My Boyfriend is Poly and I am Not..

xxRenaxx

xxRenaxx

New member
As the title states I am Mono and dating a Poly man whom I love very much. Our relationship has had its rough times, but here we are back together again and communicating better than we used to.

My problem is how to deal with my jealousy. I am bipolar, suffer from depression and insecurities. My boyfriend is aware of this and is as supportive as he can be. But, in the end I know that these are my demons to face. He's assured me of how special I am to him and I believe him, but still when my illnesses rear their ugly head I can't seem to remember that.

I know that if our relationship is to continue to progress positively that I have to find some kind of solution. I've looked online and most things seem to say that maybe this lifestyle isn't for me. But, I refuse to give up on this or on us. Its been years since I loved someone this much and truthfully I never thought I ever would again.

I've looked up compersion, but its more confusing than anything to me. Surely, I can't be the only person that has had or has this problem.
 
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xxRenaxx said:
My problem is how to deal with my jealousy. I am bipolar, suffer from depression and insecurities. ...
I know that if our relationship is to continue to progress positively that I have to find some kind of solution. I've looked online and most things seem to say that maybe this lifestyle isn't for me. But, I refuse to give up on this or on us.
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If it is the case... as I read it... that you attribute your relationship trouble at least partly with your overall mental health issues... forget about managing jealousy as separate issue.
Or not. Go ahead and learn jealousy management strategies, negotiate around specific issues etc. Just don't make it your sole focus.
Dive into the self-help field, go manage your illness better and better until depression is just an inconvenience and not something to stop your life, and become a stronger personality overall. This is my path at least (hope it works out :)). It is hard to point at specific techniques as everybody is quite different, but it seems mindfulness meditation is a usually recommended one, and imho a bit of worldly success doesn't hurt either ;)
 
xxRenaxx said:
As the title states I am Mono and dating a Poly man whom I love very much. Our relationship has had its rough times, but here we are back together again and communicating better than we used to.
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That's good! Communication is good for people in any relationship arrangement, of any relationship orientation. The less said, the worse in these cases. :)

I am bipolar, suffer from depression and insecurities. My boyfriend is aware of this and is as supportive as he can be. But, in the end I know that these are my demons to face. He's assured me of how special I am to him and I believe him, but still when my illnesses rear their ugly head I can't seem to remember that. . . I know that if our relationship is to continue to progress positively that I have to find some kind of solution.
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Are you in therapy right now, and is your therapist aware of what's going on? I have an interesting brain, as do my nearest-dearest both. Communication is one part of this, but sometimes the right help is professional, not poly-oriented.

I've looked online and most things seem to say that maybe this lifestyle isn't for me. But, I refuse to give up on this or on us. Its been years since I loved someone this much and truthfully I never thought I ever would again. . . . I've looked up compersion, but its more confusing than anything to me. Surely, I can't be the only person that has had or has this problem.
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Maybe poly isn't for you. And maybe it'd be a good idea to honestly evaluate what you feel would happen in X situation, Y situation, Z situation, etc. If you're staying for him, but you can't accept all of him, what happens when he does find someone he loves as much as he loves you? Do you force the relationship into a specific place in his life and yours? Do you let it grow as it will? How will your jealousy impact your metamour's life?

If you and your boyfriend are only going to be miserable in that case, please put both of yourselves out of your misery before it can happen -- you'll be saving another person, or a string of other people, a lot of sadness and wasted time.
 
Hi xxRenaxx,

I have been diagnosed bipolar and I suggest meds, therapy, or both. I won't tell you that poly is not for you because maybe it is for you. I just hope you'll get professional help. Meanwhile we'll try to be here for you on this forum.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you so much. I am on meds and I was in therapy for a bit, but due to money issues I had to stop going.
 
No offense, but I've read and heard too many times that poly may not be for me. Honestly, I'm beginning to get annoyed by this. Its like I'm researching or looking for help and the solution is just to give up. Accept defeat. I love this man and he loves me. Staying with him isn't about him, its about us and our feelings for one another.
 
Sometimes love isn't enough.... Loving someone should not be a cause of distress, pain, or anxiety.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean they are good for you.
 
I'm not saying that loving him causes me stress or anxiety. This kind of relationship is very new for me. My first time out I did things all wrong, but now I know and am trying to learn and grow more this time around. I ask him questions about things and he answers as best he can. Neither of us is perfect, but one thing we agree on is giving things our best try this time around.
 
I would recommend the book More Than Two. Read it chapter by chapter separately, answer the questions, and then come together to discuss. That might help a great deal.
 
I have a question to the original poster...

Do **you** have any interest in getting another partner? While your boyfriend is poly, I'm sure he's not demanding that you stay mono. So is there a reason why you are staying mono? Are you just a mono person and you want to make poly work? Or have you never considered becoming poly yourself?

Sometimes the best way to understand something is to live it. If you got a second partner, you would understand the thought process that happens when you love two people. If you can understand it yourself, then perhaps you will have less issues with jealously.

The people I know with the jealously biggest are almost always mono partners in a poly relationship. It's probably one of the hardest dynamics. Perhaps you can consider expanding your horizons and taking on a second partner. Maybe you can get past the idea that having a second partner doesn't mean you love the first one less.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I am bipolar, suffer from depression and insecurities. My boyfriend is aware of this and is as supportive as he can be. But, in the end I know that these are my demons to face.
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For the mental health part of it, I think you could see your doctors and do the management program they have you on as best you can. If money is tight for follow-up appointments, perhaps check the colleges and see what low cost/free alternatives there might be. Your continued care is important so do you best on that front.

My first time out I did things all wrong, but now I know and am trying to learn and grow more this time around. I ask him questions about things and he answers as best he can.
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For the poly part of it, I think you could educate yourself and accept that while your BF is great, he cannot be your only teacher or only poly support person. Try to branch out.

Some of it you could learn on your own by reading. Here's some starting links

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com

You could also look up poly groups in your areas and attend their munches/round tables to see how other people in real life handle things as well as starting to build a support network for yourself.

I see that you don't want to break up and I hope it doesn't get to that point.

But don't let your soft feelings for your BF stop you from defining what the deal breakers are for yourself. It is your job to take care of you and look out for your well being.

I know that growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone, but there's choosing to be a little uncomfortable or "comfortably uncomfortable" and taking it in baby steps. And then there's biting off way more than you can chew and putting yourself through the wringer and dinging your mental health. You have to set a pace here that you can deal with and not run yourself ragged. YKWIM?

Go for it, but take it at a pace you can deal with while looking out for your mental health care.

Galagirl
 
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Savant said:
Sometimes the best way to understand something is to live it. If you got a second partner, you would understand the thought process that happens when you love two people. If you can understand it yourself, then perhaps you will have less issues with jealously.

The people I know with the jealously biggest are almost always mono partners in a poly relationship. It's probably one of the hardest dynamics. Perhaps you can consider expanding your horizons and taking on a second partner. Maybe you can get past the idea that having a second partner doesn't mean you love the first one less.
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I won't claim to speak for the original poster, but from the mono perspective, there's a fundamental difference that often blocks the ability to even consider that as an option. Sure, there are those that make that sacrifice & take on an additional partner he/she never wanted, but that's more of a stop gap measure at best. Then of course, there's the huge risk that he/she loses interest in the original partner altogether because maybe they chemistry/compatibility is a tad bit better.

Some never do get past the idea that having a second partner doesn't mean they love the original partner less, because some people don't believe that's possible or realistic.
 
Savant said:
Sometimes the best way to understand something is to live it. If you got a second partner, you would understand the thought process that happens when you love two people. If you can understand it yourself, then perhaps you will have less issues with jealously.
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This is like suggesting to a homosexual person that they should live a heterosexual life. Or to a transgender person that they accept their birth gender. It is insulting to a truly monogamously wired person.
 
CTF said:
I won't claim to speak for the original poster, but from the mono perspective, there's a fundamental difference that often blocks the ability to even consider that as an option.
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I certainly agree, but the original poster hasn't said one way or the other if they have considered it as an option. I knew one mono/poly couple, (sexes reversed though) she was poly and he was mono. When she 'came out' as poly to him, he accepted it, but it didn't 'click' with him that it meant he could be poly too. IOW, he essentially made the assumption that poly only applied to her. He never considered the idea of another partner since he never considered that he was in a poly relationship now. Kind of a chicken and egg thing if you follow what I'm saying.

Also, the mono partner might have an interest in poly, but they worry about the opposite. They worry if they get another partner that their (main) partner will leave them. I'm not suggesting a mono-wired person can be 'converted' to poly. What I am suggesting is that a person who says they are mono, may not consider trying poly since they have never considered it as an option before.
 
Savant said:
I have a question to the original poster...

Do **you** have any interest in getting another partner? While your boyfriend is poly, I'm sure he's not demanding that you stay mono. So is there a reason why you are staying mono? Are you just a mono person and you want to make poly work? Or have you never considered becoming poly yourself?
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That is something that we've touched on and to be honest its something I'd possibly like to delve into later. I've chosen to be mono for the time being because I feel it feels like the best thing.

Also, I've not had the best luck in finding the right person and I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm magnet for weirdos and not the good kind either.
 
Bluebird said:
I would recommend the book More Than Two. Read it chapter by chapter separately, answer the questions, and then come together to discuss. That might help a great deal.
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Is it easier to understand than The Ethical Slut? I tried to read this a few years ago and it was very hard for me to comprehend certain parts.
 
GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.


For the mental health part of it, I think you could see your doctors and do the management program they have you on as best you can. If money is tight for follow-up appointments, perhaps check the colleges and see what low cost/free alternatives there might be. Your continued care is important so do you best on that front.



For the poly part of it, I think you could educate yourself and accept that while your BF is great, he cannot be your only teacher or only poly support person. Try to branch out.

Some of it you could learn on your own by reading. Here's some starting links

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com

You could also look up poly groups in your areas and attend their munches/round tables to see how other people in real life handle things as well as starting to build a support network for yourself.

I see that you don't want to break up and I hope it doesn't get to that point.

But don't let your soft feelings for your BF stop you from defining what the deal breakers are for yourself. It is your job to take care of you and look out for your well being.

I know that growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone, but there's choosing to be a little uncomfortable or "comfortably uncomfortable" and taking it in baby steps. And then there's biting off way more than you can chew and putting yourself through the wringer and dinging your mental health. You have to set a pace here that you can deal with and not run yourself ragged. YKWIM?

Go for it, but take it at a pace you can deal with while looking out for your mental health care.

Galagirl
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I do know what you mean and he's not my only poly support; or he wasn't a few days ago. I had met someone on Fetlife and she was great to talk to and get advice from. Sadly, she's left the lifestyle. So she's no longer an option. I have tried going to a munch and to be honest it didn't go well as I am very quiet and shy and tend to keep to myself for the most part.

I've searched the web for various links and honestly all the information is very overwhelming to me. I see all this information and I have no idea where to even start. If only there were a For Dummies book on this.
 
xxRenaxx said:
Is it easier to understand than The Ethical Slut? I tried to read this a few years ago and it was very hard for me to comprehend certain parts.
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I've read both, and I personally found More Than Two easier to read and comprehend.
 
Poly FAQ is kind of like a "Polyamory for Dummies" page, it deals with the questions newcomers have. Give it a try; you don't have to read the whole thing; it's not too long though.
 
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