It's not enough anymore - avoiding hurting your loved one

[Orlandobif]

There is this concept that’s been rattling around in my head about “enough anymore”. In our world we are constantly introduced to different people, ways of interacting, hobbies and all those fancy things lovers do. Sometimes it’s what you always wanted to do but haven’t, something you did do before but needed the right connection to do it again or even new things that are deliciously exciting.

These interactions can change you or reveal how you always were. Some call it growth or change. Some for the better and some for the worse.

What happens when your current friends, partners and hobbies “aren’t enough anymore”. That which you found exciting is duller in comparison. Maybe filled with love and closeness and fond memories but just not where you are now. We all change at different paces.

So how do you answer the plea “I’m not enough anymore” to a friend, a partner, a social group? Especially when the answer is so personally important to someone. For example, you’re introduce to kink, to the same gender or exciting weekend thrills and your current long time love looks at you and asks why is it changing after all these years “am I not enough anymore”? How do you answer that question without hurting someone. It’s just more. It’s just different, more exciting, growth and it’s with or without them. But then, “it’s not enough anymore”. The dull shine that brought you comfort, compassion, care is and always was there but shiny and new is just so exciting in comparison and they know it.

My needs for extroverted variety have always been present in my life. There are ebbs and flows. The needs of an introvert (my wife) can fly right in the face of that. How do you change the self reflection of “not enough” to “just the direction I need to go in now. I’ll be back!”?

I have had partners with very different needs and that in turn can change me. Getting what I want or not getting what I want, well, it changes me or my behaviors. I just don’t like how my direction and needs turn into a reflection of “not enough” for my partners. I don’t mean for that to happen and it’s hurtful to feel that way. What can I say to them to assure them I love them and ask they not look at it this way? I'm not leaving. I'm sorry you feel bad. How do you address that?

 

[kdt26417]

"It's just the direction I need to go for now. I'll be back!" ... sounds to me like as good a way as any to address "I'm not enough." But that doesn't mean that "not enough" will go away. Sometimes the "not enough" person will persist in thinking that way. You can't always insist that they not do that. Sometimes you just have to say, "I'm sorry you're feeling like that. I can understand why you would feel like that. Is there anything I can do to help?"

 

[GalaGirl]

I think you could be direct. Your job is to communicate clearly what is going on with you because other people cannot be mind readers.

If your partner becomes upset, happy, mad, or any other thing? It's their job to do their emotional management. They could ask you for help. Like "I feel sad. Could you please get me some kleenex?" or "I feel mad. Could you let me air out and vent about a work problem?" But THEY are in charge of managing it.

You cannot be "pre-managing" it for them so they never feel yucky things. That's not your job. You also wait to be asked. You don't just leap in and start doing things for them unasked. Maybe they prefer someone else's help or they want to handle something on their own.

You could communicate clearly.

There's nothing wrong with how you put it.

Partner: I feel bad from thinking I am not enough for you.

You: I assure you I love you. Please do not look at it this way. I'm not leaving you. I'm sorry you feel bad.​

Or something more expanded like...

"I have a need for variety. I want more than 1:1 relating. I want a variety of people to relate with. You are 1 person. You cannot turn yourself into a variety of people for me to date. Limit of the Universe.

I love you. I enjoy what we have. I am not trying to hurt you. I'm sorry you feel bad.

I want to request that you do some soul searching. If you find you only want to participate in 1:1 arrangements, I need you to understand that I cannot give you that. If you choosing to participate in 1:1+ arrangements is making you feel bad... then you might need to stop participating. Not even for me should you bend yourself into pretzels."​

Speak your truth and live authentically.


Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

I just don’t like how my direction and needs turn into a reflection of “not enough” for my partners.

Sure, your wife has all sorts of feelings and perceptions but those are not yours to manage. What is yours to manage is the way you look at your own desires/needs for ongoing growth. The need for new and novel experiences is human and people fulfill these in many ways. Why do you take the stance that it's wrong or hurtful? This is the only part that you can influence, the way you see your own desire for discovery. There are many ways to think about one's own desire for adventure: that your loved ones are "not enough" is just one - and a painful one at that. An essential element in a stable, ongoing relationship that each manages his/her own emotions and perspectives. It never works (for very long or very well) to ask the other to change because what has to change before anything else is our own perspective. This is the part that many people miss when they repeat again and again that "communication is key" and one reason that many relationships go south. You must first think about why you cling to this "not enough" motif and what you can do to embrace your desire for adventure. Right now, you're not solid with yourself about this desire and that's why you keep seeing "not enough" in your partners.

Allow yourself to want what you want and then watch what happens in your world. I guarantee you that right now, you're fighting your desires, judging the rightness and wrongness of them. This is where all of your work needs to happen, where your focus needs to be - not in trying to get your wife to see things this way or that. She will only and always show you the way that you feel inside.

 

[Tinwen]

This topic speaks to me, because in the last couple of years I've had two good friends who withdrawed from me to do other activities (and it still hurts), and I have also left hobbies/social groups which were my world for years and then just stopped speaking to me the way they did. It is hard to admit sometimes, even to myself, that this stopped being my passion - I see the beauty, but I don't want to pursue it activelly the way I did anymore.

From my perspective, I feel a loss behind the question. This "I'm not enough" is actually "You stopped doing this thing with me that I enjoyed. I'm missing it." Because if I'm feeling no loss, why be bothered by you doing something different? It's also an expression of insecurity. "I expected you would keep doing this thing with me. Now I don't know what to expect from you. Is it that you don't want to do it any more? Is there some other activity you'd rather do with me, or are you leaving the relationship as well?"

You can't undo your desire for more. So I guess the first point is to ask yourself honestly if they really stopped being enough (you don't want to hang out with them any more), or if everything is ok with them and you just seek additional thrill elsewhere (in that case, you should probably be able to provide a stable basis for the existing relationship, regardless of the changing activity?), or if it's this I'll be back situation (you can't give as much attention as usually now, but it's a temporary thing). Only then you can give a good answer to your friend or partner.