Ruminations about power exchange stuff...
Yesterday.
I asked Zen if he would consider a more D/s thing than what we have. Some here have made the assumption that because we are involved in BDSM and I am a masochist and all that, that this is what we've got, Dom and sub. Well, he has not agreed to go there, though I have been kind of hoping it would lean that direction at some point. The problem is one of semantics and what it means to each of us, and on that...more discussion is needed. He has been calling it a top/bottom dynamic.
Now the thing is, I am a firm member of the "There is NO one twue way" club. Your relationship dynamic is what you say it is, and it looks how you want it to look, if everyone involved in it has consented to what you're doing and agreements have been reached and we're all happy campers, then GROOVY, you are not doing it wrong.
I know that some of the old guard Leather folks might not agree with me, but my favorite Leather person I know is not strict protocol old guard, she refers to herself as "Pirate Leather" so she is in the "make it up as you go" camp, too. A bit rebellious. I love that about her.
So I should explain my personal stance on what the different dynamics mean. To me, top/bottom is super casual. It really has nothing at all to do with a dedicated relationship. It refers to play, to activities. I could go pay for a massage and I'd be bottoming for the masseuse. I could ask anyone at a party to top me and I would bottom for them. So, unless we agree otherwise, Zen and I are boyfriend and girlfriend where our play tends to be him topping me. That is what top/bottom means to me. And there is a level of casualness implied in it, as far as I am concerned. I prefer to call him my Sadist, if anything, than my top. Why? Well, the partners I had, who didn't really get much out of causing me pain, for whom there was not this serious energy exchange, it was just a fun sexy thing to do...they were topping me, too. Sadist/masochist at least implies a slightly deeper depth to the experiences we're having together. And an element of "this is in my nature, to want this and get something meaningful from it."
One bold step up the ladder of investment, you have Dom/sub. To me, that implies a relationship. A serious, committed one, but maybe analogous to a longterm relationship where the power is just not ~quite~ equal, and sometimes it is very unequal. But are the sub's needs and wishes still a significant part of the picture? Yes. Is the Dom in service to the sub? Abso-fuckin'-lutely. Ask any of the Doms in the community, having a sub is just as much about serving their needs as it is using them, having and owning them, to fulfill your own, and of course subs serve their Doms. But to me it's less casual.
If I am merely Zen's bottom, other players in the scene might eye me as a prospect and approach me with..."Are you available for...?" whatever they have in mind. And I have to field each and every one of them with a separate choice and an answer. If I am Zen's sub, someone might ask his permission to play with me, or possibly mine if he isn't there, but they aren't going to see me as fair game. I am his person. And if he is not there to be asked, or to answer, then I feel it's on me to answer in the manner he would want me to answer...and I already try to do that.
There could be rules and protocols if we want them. There would likely be a collar involved. And yes, if my Dom wanted to put time and energy into pushing my limits and making me grow, doing things I might not choose to do, but in the interest of my own good, well he might choose that. But I still retain the right to my limits. I do not see myself ever being a "no limits" and consensually waiving my right to "red" as some people do, kind of a person. I want there to be a certain expectation of negotiation.
The most significant meaning of D/s to me, is the dedication though. It's me saying, "I am yours, I have given myself to you." It is in the fact that I have implanted in my brain, a check-in on my other interactions when I am in the world by myself, to tend boundaries with his name on them. This is HIS. And in the fact that I have not expected him necessarily to do the same....In my mind, he had greater freedom than I have chosen to have, myself, since I backed it off with the quad last summer, even if he chose not to exercise it.
What do I want, in wanting a D/s thing? What I see others enjoying, I guess, the pride of appearing in the community, saying "This man is amazing and I rank him higher than myself, and he deserves to own me, and I am proud to be HIS. Look! I am claimed." There is a sense of security in it. Being only top/bottom? Felt like I was the first in what might be hoped would be a series of experiences to be had. The first body to build skills on, but not necessarily that significant. And my fearful/insecure side was noticing words like "play partner," "friend" and "roommate" ...which to my deeply invested heart felt like I was being held at a careful arm's length. Yet all of our in person interactions don't FEEL like that, so I was experiencing some confusion. We have both sent one another some conflicting messages, whether we meant to or not.
Thing is, other partners could top me, but without the feeling that I have really given my heart, I would never talk about D/s.
Now, that said...D/s is as far as I go. Zen had some questions as to whether I had it in my personality to be dominated, to be submissive, really, and we had some disconnects in regard to what these terms mean. The things he described, if one adds a bunch of protocol and contracts and rules and puts a lock on the collar that can't be taken off, well you get into Master/slave territory, and THAT is beyond what I can do or be. I cannot be a 24/7 total power exchange partner. I have to be able to interact sometimes as an equal, and have some degree of autonomy and independence, and be able to negotiate. But for the most part...I enjoy him being in control, and I AM interested in some psychological boundary pushing and power gaming. And I AM his, unless he does not want me to be. Have been. For a while now.
When I think about him, it is like a section of the back part of my brain, like if I fanned my fingers in the space behind my ears, inside my skull there, has bubbles of pleasure-reward-hunger-fullness cascading and exploding and tingling me...and my entire lower abdominal region, not only my lady parts but everything inside, in my belly, is full of a sort of longing, my energy wanting to reach for and merge with his, and you just don't get that with any old play partner or top, and I'm a little in awe of it, and yeah, I want to belong to the man who makes me feel that way.
So. Yesterday's talks got us to a place where...yes, we're both invested and our love for each other is very strong. But we are not sure about D/s dynamics. Maybe we'll get there...maybe not. My fears about him holding me at a careful distance, my fear that I'd been ignoring certain words he's used, reading meaning in his actions and eyes and touch, that maybe I had been foolish, hoping for more than was my lot in love, well those fears were unfounded in reality. I'm ok there. The IMPORTANT part of what we are is safe and sound. Whatever we do, I DON'T want to fuck with that, I don't want that to change. So. We will see.
Yesterday I did a lot of talking back and forth with Zen, and a lot of thinking. Some of my thinking was wrong, and some was right, and I'm glad I took a break from slinging my every thought out into my blog. I typed several posts that I did not submit, and in the end decided to wait.
