Where We Stand

M

MrsStack51217

New member
I'm relatively new here but am hoping for some advice or thoughts. I am married to my husband as well as in a relationship of 2 years with my girlfriend--who is married as well. I will try to be as brief as possible.

Our husbands were made aware at the first spark of it being mutual love. Unfortunately for me, there has always been unevenness in support. After she and I had been together for the first 2 mos., I returned home from a business trip and was promptly told that our relationship was over. Her husband would no longer allow "us." I have severe trust issues and I must say, even almost two years later, that a piece of me was lost in the relationship from then on. During the time that we were apart, she still initiated contact (both simple communication and physical contact.) Somehow things were fixed and we were able to move forward in our relationship. But again, a part of me definitely stayed wary. **Note: My husband has been beautifully supportive of my poly lifestyle from day one. He is mono and it is his choice to only be with one lover.

Fast forward almost two years later. I let her back in completely. But I am at a point of wishing to go. I love her so dearly, but between her two children (I have none), a husband and a very taxing job, the life that she and I shared is slowly going away. And I am a realist--I understand that these things happen. I have been through 2y of tumultuous ups and downs on her husbands whim. I have gone to the ends of the earth for her and shown her unconditional love in a way that no one ever had (her words.)

But I am fading. After moments where I find hope and solace in her and my love for her--I feel optional and temporary. Plans are broken every time she makes them with me. Our one night a week together is now down to a meal. The evolution has been me putting in most effort to see her. I've made efforts to tell her and show her that she's losing me but it breaks my heart when it hurts her and so I quietly just hide my feelings. She tells me that she will never give up on us and our once in a lifetime love. I guess in my seeking advice, I am looking for poly opinion of someone needing you so badly but you, yourself, slowly pulling away for your heart's sake. I'm just not sure where we stand any longer.

My husband of course watches how things unfold. He wants to see me happy and I think I want that, too.
 
It sounds like she is more in love with the idea of you rather than actually spending time with you.
 
vinsanity0 said:
It sounds like she is more in love with the idea of you rather than actually spending time with you.
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Or simply that she feels trapped in her life and can't find the strength to fight for what she wants. Which in reality, changes the situation for you guys not one iota. :(

My first poly relationship was a little bit like this. Not so extreme, in that we had a fair amount of time together, and there wasn't so much negativity from my partner's spouse, but still. There was definitely a sense that what we had was being stifled, for want of a better word, by her other relationship, and that that was not something that could ever change. When I expressed a desire for a less secondary role in her life, it was refused. This went on for four years or so, and didn't change until I finally found myself another person that wanted a more primary role in my life. Unfortunately for my girlfriend at the time, after living in the tiny box her and her spouse had made for me so long, I was done with poly and with her. I broke up with her, and then the wheels came completely off and the truth came out. Her and her spouse had essentially been living apart. They hadn't been sexually intimate for years. She identified more as a lesbian than as bisexual, and didn't love him romantically at all.

She begged me to come back. Was willing to go back on her lifelong stance of not wanting kids, because that was something I wanted one day. She would change jobs so we could live together. She would come out to her family. For me and for us, this was happening all too late. I walked away and she was pretty devastated by it all. Her relationship with her spouse broke down. She was so depressed, she was forced to come out to her family anyway because they were so worried about her. And then slowly, things got better for her. She embraced her sexuality. She changed her job for herself, not for anyone else. She moved away and started afresh. She met a lovely woman, and is now much happier. They got married, and she's still on good terms with her ex-spouse. In short, me leaving her ended up being a really good thing, for both of us. I realised that me being there all those years, all that day-dreaming and fantasising together, all the tortured romance - it was nothing more than enabling the situation to go on between her other partner and her. If I hadn't been there, they would have either been forced to work on their issues, or they would have parted. But instead, I was there, being a bandaid, allowing her to blow off steam and feel like she was getting a bit of a life she wanted but was too scared to fight for.

I won't lie, I felt horrible when I walked away - there was a lot of guilt because I was leaving because I'd found a relationship that worked better in my life, and because she was so broken by it all. At the same time, there was relief, because I hadn't even realised how under stress I was by it all. Limiting yourself, putting a lid on your feelings, tiptoeing the edge of someone else's comfort - well, it takes an emotional toll, as you no doubt know. I felt so much happier to be done with it, even though I still had a lot of love for her.

Anyway, there's no easy solution to the problem you are facing. I just wanted to share my experience and say that sometimes, walking away works out, or at the very least, can encourage the players involved to figure out what their priorities are and what they are willing to fight for. Right now I see you as enabling the situation in the same way I did: by putting up with less-than, you are not encouraging anyone to actually take your needs seriously. I think you would feel a lot better if you were the one to end it rather than wait for another bout of insecurity from him which puts it on hold. Sometimes living with the uncertainty or a diminished form of that which you desire is worse than not having it at all. Good luck.
 
Hi MrsStack51217,

It sounds to me like your girlfriend's husband is putting a chokehold on your relationship with her. And maybe the only way to fix that is for her to divorce him. But that's her decision to make. The most you can do is ask her to get a divorce; then she gets to decide. Maybe this is an unacceptable situation for you? Would you rather break up with her, and seek another girlfriend who will prioritize her relationship with you? You seem to be headed in that direction.

Sorry you are going through this difficulty right now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW? Here's what sticks out to me. I mean all this kindly ok? :eek: It might be hard to hear.

HER BEHAVIORS -- WORDS WITHOUT ACTION TO BACK THEM UP
  • She tells me that she will never give up on us and our once in a lifetime love.

HER BEHAVIORS -- TIME MANAGEMENT
  • Plans are broken every time she makes them with me.
  • Our one night a week together is now down to a meal.

She says one thing, but does another.

YOUR BEHAVIORS -- SELF NEGLECT
  • I have been through 2y of tumultuous ups and downs on her husbands whim.
Who chose to be "up and downing" for 2 years? YOU.
I get that his behaviors are a problem that affect her -- maybe he pressures or bullies her.
And then her behaviors in response to that affect you -- in terms of broken dates and stuff.
But the one choosing to remain even under these conditions for 2 years is you. You do not exist to be her life raft.:(

  • I have shown her unconditional love

I think you loving someone could be conditional. You can love them a whole lot. Even up to 49% of your love. But the remaining 51% you have for you loving YOU. Then you don't let your soft feelings for someone else lead you into self harming behavior. I think maybe you have let your soft feelings for her influence you into sticking around much longer than has been healthy for you. Like you've subsumed yourself and your well being to the relationship.

There is no need to do that in healthy relating. You could not do self neglect. :(

That's the condition. You can love someone. But only up to the point where it is still healthy and you are not harming your own self.

YOUR BEHAVIORS -- UNEVEN EFFORT
  • The evolution has been me putting in most effort to see her.
  • I have gone to the ends of the earth for her

YOUR BEHAVIORS -- LACK OF EXPRESSION
  • I've made efforts to tell her and show her that she's losing me but it breaks my heart when it hurts her
  • I quietly just hide my feelings


YOUR CURRENT FEELINGS
  • I feel optional and temporary.
  • I am at a point of wishing to go.
  • I want to be happy. (My husband of course watches how things unfold. He wants to see me happy and I think I want that, too.)

I think you could speak your truth. Maybe something like

"I'm sorry if this seems out of the blue. I can't be doing this like THIS any more. I'm breaking up with you.

You say nice things like you "will never give up on us and our once in a lifetime love." But then in your actions I notice you are not making the same effort as me to get together and plans get broken a lot. Words and actions do not match.

I am tired of mixed messages. I am feeling optional rather than valued. What I'm getting is that you are willing to have a relationship with me, but not actually ABLE. So I want to let the relationship go.

Thank you for sharing some time with me. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Optional line, Maybe you are just done. ---> If later on you are actually both willing AND able to share a relationship, you can look me up. "​

If you cannot do it verbally, send email. Speak your truth however it is you need to do it. But actually do it. Stop bottling it up.

Then take a time out to heal and then move on so you can feel better in the fullness of time.

Not every choice in life is "win" or "lose". Some are "this stinks, and that stinks. Which stinks less?" Right now? You are picking never ending stink hanging in there with the up and downy. Breaking up also stinks, but at least there's an end point and hope of feeling better in time.

She will either deal with her marriage or not. Whether than means exercising better boundaries and not answering to his every whim or that means a divorce -- that part is not under your control. She has to make her own choices.

Just as you have to make yours. So if you have been choosing to endure "up and downy" for 2 years and you find you don't like it? I suggest you stop doing that behavior.

I get that is FEELS hard. But the actions seem pretty straight forward.

Galagirl
 
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vinsanity0 said:
It sounds like she is more in love with the idea of you rather than actually spending time with you.
Click to expand...

These are words that I have said to my husband almost verbatim.

I appreciate all of the input. It is all exactly what I have been feeling but in a way thought it to be selfish of me. But I know that's not true. I also know that if I keep giving to a relationship such as this, I will eventually have nothing left. I will always love her for who I know she is--but that can be from afar.

She's one that tends to stay numb to her feelings--and she doesn't believe that she deserves all that she does. At some point I have to realize that she is the only one that can find her voice. What breaks me the most is knowing that she found freedom for the first time in our relationship. I didn't expect anything from her. And I still don't.

For so long, though, I have felt that me being dissatisfied with the relationship is selfish--that with a poly dynamic I was just asking too much. I have finally realized that that is not the case. For us to have a relationship communication and trust has to exist--and it doesn't. And for us to have a "better" relationship, there has to be a relationship to start with. I feel as though I am just her bandaid, her escape. And that is a heavy burden. I've carried it this long because when I love, I love through seasons of good and bad regardless. But her seasons only trend towards one thing--me giving my best and progressively getting less and less in return.

I've accepted that it is ok to let someone go that I love. And like tenK said, it may be for her greater good as well.
 
GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW? Here's what sticks out to me. I mean all this kindly ok? :eek: It might be hard to hear.

& You are very right on all accounts. I am the only one who kept myself in this for this long. I definitely take ownership of why I am here today. It just took me time to realize that things were never going to change.
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Glad to hear you have come to a solution. I feel that you have the right idea.
 
Galagirl always gives amazing advice!

I just want to throw in my support for you and your decisions and your happiness and also glad that you have such an amazing husband!
 
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