Husband & Wife of 4 years, just got our first girlfriend!

[xbadshewolf]

Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to read my post. First a little about my husband and I.

Weve been together for 8 years, married for the last 4 years. Our relationship is really wonderful. We have always maintained honesty and open communication without fear of judgment since Day 1. Like all relationships, we had our hiccups. I cheated 6 months into our relationship, he lied to me our entire first year of dating. But we both showed the commitment and sincere honest feelings of wanting to be better. Since then, we've built our relationship stronger. We have had a few one night stands with other girls, but just that, in and out, never seen or heard from again.

For the past couple of years we frequented this Mexican food place, it was a bit far from home, but i know how to encourage my husband to go, hehehe. Last year, a new girl began working there. She was pretty, but i didnt like her at first because she put rice on my burrito when i explicitly asked for no rice. (This is a funny story to us now)
A few months ago, my husband went to get us some dinner from there and told me when he got home that the cute girl was flirting with him, not overly flirtatious, but smiling a lot, batting eyelashes, and gave him "extra" stuff with the food.
A month ago, he went to get us dinner again and came home to tell me he gave her his number. They began texting almost immediately.
This whole time i was okay with everything. He was open with me and allowed me to read the messages every day. The only thing im concerned about is him falling in love with the girl and sneaking off to be with her.
But its been 3 weeks now, and she comes over almost everyday. She is fresh out of a young bad marriage, so she is adjusting to "single" life again. But she has the two of us here for her and she doesn't want to find someone. She wants to be with us.
We have clearly communicated our boundaries and that violating anyones boundaries is an act of disrespect.
So currently, 3 weeks in, we consider her our girlfriend and she likewise.
We kiss and makeout mainly. The furthest we've gone is one night we took shots to loosen up and my husband and she began making out, and my husband was rubbing her breasts, and while all this was happening, i gave my husband a blowjob. After an hour, she went to the restroom and my husband and i had a quickie to relieve the tension.

I just want to be sure we're doing this right. I feel like we have the honesty and open communication part down. We both have a relationship with her. We know we're not ready for one on one sex times.
Anyone have any bits of advice that can help me feel like i know what im doing? Lol

 

[Marcus]

Team Dating

I just want to be sure we're doing this right. I feel like we have the honesty and open communication part down. We both have a relationship with her. We know we're not ready for one on one sex times.
Anyone have any bits of advice that can help me feel like i know what im doing? Lol

Team dating has a low success rate as far as I have seen. I'm sure some folks manage to do it without treating their third like a chew toy, but I don't see that as being very likely.

So long as you (individually) understand what your expectations are and discuss (with everyone involved) what those expectations are, you have a shot. I don't know what these "boundaries" are that you guys have discussed, but I'd suggest taking a close look at them and making sure they treat everyone with equal dignity.

 

[xbadshewolf]

Hi thanks for replying.
So this is technically team dating?
The boundaries that we have are individual boundaries that we all respect.
My husband is simple. He wants to fully respect both me and our girlfriend's boundaries, but he has no limitations of his own. His primary focus is to make me his wife happy above all, as he does not want to spoil our marriage.
My current boundaries is that my husband and the girlfriend cannot do anything sexual outside of my presence. They can makeout, hold hands, go on dates, etc. But sexual touching and sex itself is a no-no when i am not present. Its not because im jealous, but because it turns me on to see my husband getting pleased by another woman. I can "make believe" what that looks like all day, i want to see it and join in on it.
Our girlfriend is the one setting the pace of the relationship. She has less sexual experience than either of us, so she is more reserved and shy about doing things. But, she is very much interested in continuing our relationship with all the "boundaries" mentioned. She cares about both of us and wants both of us, not just one or the other.

 

[Lea]

Hi thanks for replying.
So this is technically team dating?

sounds like it.

The boundaries that we have are individual boundaries that we all respect.
My husband is simple. He wants to fully respect both me and our girlfriend's boundaries, but he has no limitations of his own. His primary focus is to make me his wife happy above all, as he does not want to spoil our marriage.
My current boundaries is that my husband and the girlfriend cannot do anything sexual outside of my presence. They can makeout, hold hands, go on dates, etc. But sexual touching and sex itself is a no-no when i am not present. Its not because im jealous, but because it turns me on to see my husband getting pleased by another woman. I can "make believe" what that looks like all day, i want to see it and join in on it.

You've basically set rules on your gf's relationship with someone else (your husband) whether she likes it or not, and while it's easy to agree to that as first, what if they want to have sex and you keep saying no? Equally, if you and she end up NOT working, are you going to force them to break up? In this, you end up treating her, as Marcus alluded to, as a toy, a thing, something to use for the two of you and be tossed when it doesn't work. I HIGHLY suggest you read "More than Two" https://www.morethantwo.com/more-than-two-polyamory-book to understand how this can and will likely end up toxic to the relationship. Chapters 9 and 10 discuss this exact thing.

Our girlfriend is the one setting the pace of the relationship. She has less sexual experience than either of us, so she is more reserved and shy about doing things. But, she is very much interested in continuing our relationship with all the "boundaries" mentioned. She cares about both of us and wants both of us, not just one or the other.

Those aren't boundaries. They are rules. (see the book, trust me). I don't want to sound negative, but the couple finding their 'girl' is a tragic poly story in a lot of causes.

I'm in a very successful triad with my bf/gf. I would be happy to answer any questions you have about how we formed, how we make it work, how we support each other's couple relationships, how we are COUPLES first and then a triad behind that.

I posted this picture for someone else

I really think reading the book and discussing it together is super helpful, and something my triad is working through to help us understand what we want. We have no veto. We are all equal. We can all go have another relationship at any time. We do not place rules on each other or our time together. We love each other and we don't view each other as people we need to limit time or activities with the others for our own sake.

And I really think that's the way relationships work best.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi xbadshewolf,

I second the recommendation to read that book, "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. It is generally considered a staple of poly reading, and gives a lot of good tips in general for successful poly. In addition, I would suggest keeping this thread active with periodic updates, as we can give you additional tips that way and answer more questions.

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your girlfriend, and I wish you the very best going forward.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

As many have and will reply, much more research and communication is needed. Forbidding your "shared" girlfriend from being intimate with your husband without you present isn't ideal. How would it feel if she decided that you having sex with your husband without HER present is unfair? Search for threads regarding "couples privilege" and you will see your situation being played out again and again with often disastrous results.

A triad CAN work if you can throw the notion of "adding" her to your relationship out the window. Educating yourselves can prevent future resentments and heartache.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, welcome to the board.

What you have here isn't polyamory. You've left out the amory/love part. You and your h seem to be seeking sexual thrills with this "girl," who is in a very vulnerable place, having just gone through a breakup.

It's more like swinging than polyamory. Polysexuality. You don't know this woman well, and are jumping into flirting and sexytimes... The first few times might be fun and thrilling and all that, but there will come a time where she wants to have sex, or you want to, or h wants to, and the third partner isn't in the mood, or is working, or away, or sick or whatever. What then?

You and hubby also have a history of lying and cheating way back. There can be cheating in poly, especially when the new partner is handed a "no one on one sex" rule.

You're also afraid of your h "falling in love and running off" with her. First of all, polyamory is all about love. Second, if your h runs off with her, he isn't polyamorous. Loving 2 at once, with the consent of all, and making this work, is what defines poly.

Also, if I were a shared gf I would not want a third partner to be reading my texts with the other partner.

Telling her that she can't have one on one sex with your husband because you insist she is there to meet your desire for voyeurism is kind of rude.

Most triads fail because the shared partner starts to feel abused emotionally.

Triads aren't a 3 person relationship. They are 3 V's stacked up. They are the most complicated thing to make work.

You+her
You+husband
Husband+her

AND

All 3 together

It happens so often here that we hear stories from the gf's or wife's POV that the new gf falls harder for one of the couple than the other. It's usually that she falls harder for the man, and then the women "try" to fall for each other to make things "equal." But that never works. You can't force sexual attraction or love. It's either there or it isn't. In this case, new gf has been flirting more with your husband. I see that as a yellow flag. Is new gf even bisexual? Is she experienced at loving women and doing healthy relationships?

 

[StumblingAlong]

I have been the "unicorn" in a triad. I'm also currently dealing with a triad that recently ended.

When I was a unicorn there were so many rules for me. I loved both my partners a great deal but in different ways. I could not make my gf understand that. After I left it realized just how badly I was being mistreated due to her insecurities. I did not end things with them. She ended things with me for them.

Now because of the fact that I was a unicorn or third in another triad I knew how to not treat my gf in my triad that just ended. I did my best to make her feel loved and respected. My recent triad actually ended because my husband could or would not give our gf what she needed. She loved him very much, but he either couldn't not or would not all himself to reciprocate those feelings. She cares for me in her own way, but did not feel she could continue a relationship with me after our triad ended due to her continued feelings for him. She felt she would be uncomfortable and I respect that. I know I did not make her feel as if she was less or used as a prop for my marriage, and for that I am thankful.

It does happen all to often in triads though. Put yourself in her place. If you would not be comfortable with the rules you have as a gf to your established marriage, I can promise at some point she will not be comfortable with them either. They must be an ongoing conversation and you and your husband have to be willing to change them and make them fluid as the relationship grows and changes. Otherwise it won't work and aLloyd 3 of you stand to be badly hurt.