It's a Texlahoma Story

I'm sorry, Claire :( I agree with everyone else....it's not a reflection on you at all! I am just very thankful you discovered the truth before you were more involved. ((Hugs))
 
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If anyone is curious about the sordid details, pm me
 
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Poor decision making, poor impulse control.

Definitely not something that YOU should feel stupid over though, and I'd caution you to be careful of that thing where sometimes we take one unfortunate setback in our love lives and extrapolate it into this "why was I so dumb as to think things would work out for me?" sort of negative mindset. Meh, shit happens, and sometimes plenty of it before we get to wherever we're going. Learn whatever you can, congratulate yourself on your stellar research skills and excellent common sense, and just keep swimming.

If anything this makes you the clever one, the winner here, you found him out before things went very far. Yay, you!!

I always Google them, too. Had one of my prospects last year inform me that he didn't like that, he thinks it's creepy. Sorry pal. Tough. It's my opinion that while it would likely creep some of the guys I've dated to know some of the stuff I've been able to easily find out (using free resources via Google)...it's how I use, or more importantly DON'T use that info, that matters. I'm always curious about what I call the "internet footprint" of people. The Worm King would probably freak if he knew how easy it was for me to find out, for instance, where his parents live. They own several rather pretty Victorian homes in this town, and I found that just an interesting bit of trivia. Would I even go so far as to drive anonymously past in person to lay eyes on one of those houses? NO. My curiosity definitely has its limits.

Zen, in contrast, has an almost nonexistent internet footprint. He would say it's because his life has been boring maybe. I don't know.

But anyhow, I'm glad you found this out when you did. Good on you for doing your homework. Don't beat yourself up over any part of this.
 
Spork said:
But anyhow, I'm glad you found this out when you did. Good on you for doing your homework. Don't beat yourself up over any part of this.
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This :)
It's a pitty he turned out to be so... stupid... and very great that you found out (before sex).
 
You know, what sucks the most about this is that I am getting nothing from Andy but "To Catch a Predator" jokes :mad: I don't think he understands that I'm genuinely sad. Yeah, it was only a couple of dates, and normally I shrug off things that don't pan out for whatever reason. But Draper ...

I REALLY liked him. I let myself believe he really liked me. Me. The whole person. I was over the moon that after months of "you're sexy" and " you're hot" I had finally met someone who told me I was beautiful. And smart, and sweet.

It just hurts, to think I fell hook, line, and sinker for a ... Whatever he is. It hurts even more that now I'm like, well, I guess I should have known. I'm not the girl who gets called beautiful and sweet. I'm the girl guys look at and go, eh, I'd do her. Because the one time I found someone who said I was lovely, it was a big fat lie.

I'm so tired of getting my hopes up and then shit falls apart. Usually because the guy calls me sexy and I want to be called lovely. And the ONE TIME the guy treats me how I want? This crap happens.

I changed my mind. What sucks the most is that the person I want to cry to is fucking Draper. He made me feel known, wanted, seen. Safe. Except, he's not safe, I'd never trust someone with such poor judgement to be a safe person for me. My head is just a mess and this. fucking. sucks.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
You know, what sucks the most about this is that I am getting nothing from Andy but "To Catch a Predator" jokes :mad: I don't think he understands that I'm genuinely sad. Yeah, it was only a couple of dates, and normally I shrug off things that don't pan out for whatever reason. But Draper ...

I REALLY liked him. I let myself believe he really liked me. Me. The whole person. I was over the moon that after months of "you're sexy" and " you're hot" I had finally met someone who told me I was beautiful. And smart, and sweet.

It just hurts, to think I fell hook, line, and sinker for a ... Whatever he is. It hurts even more that now I'm like, well, I guess I should have known. I'm not the girl who gets called beautiful and sweet. I'm the girl guys look at and go, eh, I'd do her. Because the one time I found someone who said I was lovely, it was a big fat lie.

I'm so tired of getting my hopes up and then shit falls apart. Usually because the guy calls me sexy and I want to be called lovely. And the ONE TIME the guy treats me how I want? This crap happens.

I changed my mind. What sucks the most is that the person I want to cry to is fucking Draper. He made me feel known, wanted, seen. Safe. Except, he's not safe, I'd never trust someone with such poor judgement to be a safe person for me. My head is just a mess and this. fucking. sucks.
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You know, it really sucks how both of us have this way of taking a thing that someone ELSE did wrong and sticking knives into our own selves for it. I mean you know damn well that the fact he turned out to be a bad option hasn't got a damn thing to do with who you are, how "men" see you, or what you "deserve." Those are just those lil asshole gremlins. He said you were lovely and beautiful and it was all a lie...why was it a lie? How? Do you not suppose he is more complex than that one life event, than that poor judgment and lack of self control? Have you not done things you've regretted, and forgiven yourself for those things, and refused to let them define you? I'm not saying you should give him a chance, I understand the choice you've made here. But I'm saying that just because Draper turned out to be a no-go for you, doesn't mean that every nice thing he ever said to you was false, or that he is incapable of seeing your whole self or appreciating it. Heck, you don't know what he saw in that other person either, and for all you know it might have been more than you think.

And none of it even really matters.

You know what does? Whatever you can learn from this, and keeping your chin up, and moving forward!

I always talk about the most risky and questionable of my dating history of the last couple years, Worm King, but I don't look at that as a mistake even though it didn't work out and it made me very sad, and he turned out to be at the very least a player, liar, and jerk...and at worst a possibly dangerous sociopath. Well fine. But what did I safely learn, what lesson did I get with no real harm to me, was in analyzing what I liked about him, and trying to be open to that vibration in future opportunities. Now Zen took a few things I liked about Worm King, his combination of Sadism and sensuality, his older age and general body shape and his geekery and intellect, and dialed all of the best things right up through the roof without all the bad stuff that WK brought to the table. But you know what? It's possible that I would not have known to give a man like Zen the time of day, had I not already had a little taste of some surprisingly enjoyable stuff with WK first.

It is funny how the universe works. And in the long run, I don't think that the point of any of this is to make us suffer or cast us in the role of the butt of a big cosmic joke or tragedy.

You ARE lovely. I'm speaking to the person inside, who writes words in a forum here. She's lovely. Beautiful. A true bright spirit. And you're gonna be ok, Claire.
 
The weekend was awful. Awful but necessary, I think. Andy and I just had a three day cry fest, basically. I'm exhausted.

The very short version is that my frenzied dating has really taken a toll on him. I have always known that watching me date was tougher on him than seeing me in a stable other relationship, but... I didn't realize how bad it had been for him lately. He summed it up as, "I understand why you would sometimes sacrifice time with me to spend time with someone else you care about. But when you give up 'us time' to go on dates with people you don't even like, I feel like I must really suck."

And I get that. I do. I have never seen it that way, but I see how he could. Especially because I have been going through guys at a dizzying pace. The new crush every week is tiring even for me. Watching me jump back in okc after the Draper debacle was the last straw for him, really, the moment of "spending time with your husband is so shitty that you'd rather risk dating another felon?"

So we cried, and talked, and cried some more. Decided together that I will take a dating break for a month or two, focus on each other. Talk about ways we can make my dating less emotionally stressful for him. I'm not sure what that will look like, more daytime dates and less late nights is one thing for sure.

We also talked about sex, with (you guessed it) more crying. Because while I'm more than happy to have Andy be the only guy I go out and do things with for a while... The prospect of not just no actual sex, but no flirty texts, no sexy pics, no make outs, no any kind of sexual stimulation from others, that's tough. I'm too wiped out to go into it all tonight, but we did have some good talks about what's "missing" for me in our sex life.

One thing I asked Andy for is some sexy times that are just for me... Where I can get dressed up in my lingerie and pull out my favorite toys and just ENJOY, without worrying about his reactions or needs. That sounds selfish when I say it like that. But I do that for him all the time. It is incredibly hard for me to shift gears between "stuff Andy likes" and "stuff I like". The upshot of which is that I just stay focused on what he wants and let my wants slide - and then get frustrated. Like he sees me wearing something sexy, he gets excited to dress up too, and then making him feel admired and sexy in lingerie kills the mood for me. Sigh. I'm hoping he will be ok with this turn taking thing for a while at least. He wasn't super enthusiastic (though to be fair, he was also exhausted after days of crying).

Anyway. Y'all should get a nice break from Claire's flavor-of-the-week dating blog ;)
 
You blog about whatever you want, whenever you need. I am glad you're putting some energy into Claire + Andy. I think that needs to happen. And I think it isn't too much to ask at all that you create space for some dedicated sexytime where the focus is on your enjoyment.

I mean, that is kind of the need that has you frantically swiping left and right, no? And getting excited over a new prospect, and all flustered and pissed off when it falls through. Yeah, it's exhausting, but it's kinda what happens when your relationship with Andy is so thoroughly rooted in serving HIS needs that yours go unmet...

Here's hoping you can chill and take some time and get some peace and satisfaction together.
 
Reverie said:
(((((SO MANY HUGS)))))

The endless processing weekends are just the WORST.
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Thank you ... Yes they are. Especially because after hours of crying, Andy and I both just lose our ability to THINK about how our words will come across and blurt out hurtful things. We're usually better about considering how the other person will take something, choosing our words with care... But this point of exhaustion comes and all that goes out the window.

At one point Andy said, "it would have been fine if any of these guys had worked out" and that just crushed me. He was trying to explain why he hadn't asked earlier for me to slow down with the dating - he kept thinking I'd meet someone great and things would settle down. But, damn, hearing that my inability to meet anyone was hurting not just me but my marriage? Salt in the wound.

Things are ok now, just focusing on moving forward. And still exhausted.

Spork said:
You blog about whatever you want, whenever you need. I am glad you're putting some energy into Claire + Andy. I think that needs to happen. And I think it isn't too much to ask at all that you create space for some dedicated sexytime where the focus is on your enjoyment.

I mean, that is kind of the need that has you frantically swiping left and right, no? And getting excited over a new prospect, and all flustered and pissed off when it falls through. Yeah, it's exhausting, but it's kinda what happens when your relationship with Andy is so thoroughly rooted in serving HIS needs that yours go unmet...

Here's hoping you can chill and take some time and get some peace and satisfaction together.
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I'm hopeful, but nervous. It has been over FOUR YEARS since Andy has been my only sexual partner. I mean, there have been stretches between guys, but this past 6 months is by far the longest. And this will be our first time with me not even LOOKING for another.

There's two parts to it, really ... The actual sexytimes, and my sense of myself as an attractive, desirable woman. The first is easier. I need to be better about saying what I want, and Andy needs to work on not taking it as a personal rejection when my wants don't align with his.

The second part, fuck if I know. In the past when Andy and I were mono, I struggled hard with feeling good about my body and my sexuality. I had long periods where I felt gross about myself and my desires, because they seemed like purely physical urges, detached from any bonding or closeness, or even shared pleasure and fun. The physical enjoyment and the emotional enjoyment seemed split, and that was hard for me.

There is just such a difference, to me, between "I am enjoying this sex with you physically, it arouses me, it gives me sexual pleasure" and "I am enjoying this sex with you on a purely emotional level, there's no arousal in it for me, but I like giving you pleasure." With Andy, it's like we take turns, one getting the physical pleasure, the other the emotional pleasure of doing things the other likes. That's just harder for me, it's hard not to feel selfish, or self conscious, or ... I don't know.

I'm going to read Come As You Are, and maybe a couple of others, and try not to slip into that "I am weird for having sexual desires" place.
 
Your last sentence makes me happy because when I was reading your response to what I said, all I was thinking was, "she should really read Come As You Are"...so I got to the end and I'm like "lol yay!"

I think it will help.

And while it is a book that is aimed at female people, those both female in biology and identification that is, the author does make a very good point that ALL HUMANS of all genders, are made of the same parts, just organized differently.

So that whole accelerator and brakes thing? Yeah, guys have that too. In fact most of the concepts in that book that are psychological and excellently metaphorical apply really well to anyone, it's just they can be adjusted slightly for individual variables.

So maybe you and Andy can both read it. Maybe it helps you both connect? That would be nice, I think. I'm in your cheering section. :)
 
Awww, thank you!

I know it sounds silly but I am NERVOUS to read the book. I read a lot of sex-positive, love-yourself-the-way-you-are books when Andy first started doing the CD thing. And most of them were not helpful ...

Hey, ladiez, it's ok that you can't come from penetration, no one can! It's ok that you can only get aroused by thinking about gargoyles wrestling in a tub of jello! It's ok that you weigh 600 lbs and have 16 toes - your body is perfect! It's ok that your clit is bright blue, 8 inches long, and shaped like a monkey - everyone's genitals are unique! Throw out your makeup, grow out your pubes, embrace your inner slut!

I'd just read that and think, damn I'm boring. I get off from five minutes of plain ol' intercourse. I fantasize about guys in tuxedos buying me jewelry. My body looks like the body of the instructor of whatever fitness program I'm doing. My genitals look like the ones in porn videos. I like makeup, and shaving, and I don't like casual sex. All I got from this $20 book was the image of a giant blue monkey shaped clit seared into my retinas.

I need a book that's like, hey, it's ok to wish you and your husband were more compatible in bed. It doesn't make you a shitty wife to fantasize about other guys. It isn't silly to shave and do your hair and get dressed up just for yourself. Or to wish someone would notice.

Maybe I'll just stitch it on a pillow or something.
 
Well, you COULD stitch it onto a pillow. Did you ever hear of or see the website Regretsy before it vanished without a trace? That would have been a VERY Regretsy thing to do. But there are whole collections of horrible things done on like cross stitch samplers. I rather like the notion.

But yeah, this is the book for you. The first bit IS a "look ladies, if it doesn't hurt, you are healthy and normal and fine, alright?" but it's mostly to get that out of the way, which does double duty in explaining that EVERYONE (as I mentioned) has the same parts organized a bit differently, and that's an important concept because it's not just about your lady junk. It's about the parts of your brain that direct what you might feel like doing with it. Or not. And why. And how to hack that system. If you want to.

It is FAR, FAR more about your brain. And it doesn't so much say "go forth and be an unshaven slut monkey" (that should be a band name, I want to see it on T shirts...) as it does to say, figure out what YOU would like to make changes to, in order to bring greater happiness and satisfaction to your sex and love life...and work with what nature gave you (in your brain) to get there, instead of fighting to be something that isn't natural to you at all.

I think you'll like the book. I'm certainly finding it very enlightening.
 
Damn it's been a long week.

A good one, though.

The dating break felt like drug withdrawal for the first few days. I craved the dopamine hit of likes and messages. Physically craved it. Sex, whatever, relationship, eh, but damnit give me those okc profile views :eek: Amazing how dependent I had become on that to feel good about myself.

Reconnecting with Andy in bed has been very, very, very nice. It requires me to step out of my comfort zone and ask for what I want, which is hard... Not because I fear rejection or judgment, exactly, but because I do not feel attractive when I am the one asking and initiating. I get off on feeling wanted, pursued, seduced. Not being serviced. But I do ok if I can say ahead of time what I want, and then let him take the lead once we get started. And a happy wife who wants sex twice a day seems to make up for Andy's discomfort with being in charge ;)

Also, as embarrassing as it was, I managed to straight up tell my husband that I'm really not getting much enjoyment from all those fancy, aerodynamic, modern art objects masquerading as vibrators. I want something that is 9 inches long and shaped like an actual penis, sorrynotsorry. And THAT makes all the difference in the world.

I'm not sure what non monogamy will look like going forward. I don't want another "serious relationship" where I feel obligated to make time, spend money, put in a ton of emotional energy. But I don't want anything as casual as just a booty call, somehow knowing that it's just sex ruins it. I really just want what nycindie jokingly called the boyfriend experience... Casual-ish but dressed up with flirting, compliments, seduction. At least right now, I'm not in any hurry to find something.
 
Every night this week, I've woken up screaming from nightmares. Like, actual screaming. Scares Andy and the dogs to death, I feel terrible. Especially because I have no clue what's causing it. They're just bizarre stressy dreams. Being at work and finding a room full of babies that haven't been fed or changed all day. Running through the woods carrying my dog trying to hide from a wild boar. Who knows.

K had surgery this morning and everything went smoothly, that's one less thing to worry about at least. Oh! And she and R are going to finally make things legal and get married officially :D :D :D They've asked Andy to get ordained by the Church of Bacon and perform the ceremony. We already found a stole that looks like a giant piece of bacon.

Happy thoughts in the hope of happier dreams.
 
I've been having many more nightmares than usual lately too. I blame Trump at least partly.
 
I finally worked up the nerve to start reading Come As You Are... It's like time travel to the early 70s, lol. Are there really still women who have not looked at their clit or labia? And wtf hand mirror... Camera phone, the better to preserve for posterity!

I dunno, I do not get the "all genitals are beautiful" thing. I mean, some are just objectively not, to me. I assume most people like their own, and their partner's, but c'mon we all have aesthetic preferences. I have rejected guys because of their junk not being to my liking (not that I told them the reason!).

I guess I wasn't that happy with my own bits as a teen - but the first time I shaved, it was like, oh! there's pretty under all that icky hair! Since then I have had the edges lasered and I do not let the rest grow out beyond a 1/4 inch, and I'm all good. With an entire dirty album in my iPhoto to prove it lol.

So, the first few chapters, meh. Eagerly awaiting getting beyond the encounter group shtick.
 
Until a few weeks ago, when I was going through the body/sex positivity workbook I blogged about, I'd never looked at my own genitals. I didn't have any desire to, and only did it because the workbook said I had to. Wasn't as bad as I thought, but it wasn't any great "ooh, look at that," it was more "huh, I have that. okay, moving on now."

I sat in front of a full-length mirror to look; the workbook recommended a hand mirror, but I don't own one. And I don't like having fully-clothed pics taken, so I would definitely not have wanted to take a pic of that.

As for partners' junk... I don't look at that either. I've been trying to consciously remind myself to look at Hubby's or my boyfriend's when applicable, but I have to actually think to do so. Mostly, I don't look, I just know it's there, and it's been like that with all the guys I've fucked.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I finally worked up the nerve to start reading Come As You Are... It's like time travel to the early 70s, lol. Are there really still women who have not looked at their clit or labia? And wtf hand mirror... Camera phone, the better to preserve for posterity!
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At least one woman here has never looked at her genitals.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=85954

I take pix of my nethers too. I think my kitty is pretty. My lovers do, and I agree lol

I dunno, I do not get the "all genitals are beautiful" thing. I mean, some are just objectively not, to me. I assume most people like their own, and their partner's, but c'mon we all have aesthetic preferences. I have rejected guys because of their junk not being to my liking (not that I told them the reason!).
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I personally love to look at pussies and cocks, irl or in photos. I like big labia and big cocks especially lol

I guess I wasn't that happy with my own bits as a teen - but the first time I shaved, it was like, oh! there's pretty under all that icky hair! Since then I have had the edges lasered and I do not let the rest grow out beyond a 1/4 inch, and I'm all good. With an entire dirty album in my iPhoto to prove it lol.
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I do too, except I don't think it's dirty, but sacred. *pagan*

So, the first few chapters, meh. Eagerly awaiting getting beyond the encounter group shtick.
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Well, I'm glad the "look at your vulva" step is already a step you've taken!
 
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