powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
I completely agree. It shouldn't be impossible to find a middle ground somewhere. It seems like some people just look for an excuse to be butt-hurt. Makes no sense to me.
The story of Spork.
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Spork
Active member
This post is in response to GirlFromTexlahoma. But it's all about me, so I'm putting it here, and just linking to it there.
Regarding the deep down messages we grow up with:
This has been a struggle for me, too. I'm realizing the parallels, I'm starting to recognize this particular sensation, this feeling, that squicky, "brakes" feeling, the bad feeling, just below my sternum, this I want to shrink, retreat, stop playing, quit caring, hide, be defensive, withdraw...that FEELING. It is not just sex-brakes. It is associated with a number of things, and I can remember some childhood family drama that started the programming of that code.
Essentially I think for me it boils down to: I have to try to make people happy or they won't love me and they'll abandon me, not care for me. So I've got to find ways to be what they need me to be, so they'll be pleased, so they'll stick around and let me attach lovingly to them, and give me love back. The problem with this sort of...performance anxiety almost... is that it's more focused on the flipside. The failure. If I fail, they WILL abandon me. And every rejection, is because I failed.
Trying and failing is far more frightening, than never trying. The best defense is a great big heap of "I don't care." No one can hurt you, if you don't care! And you can't really FAIL if you don't try, you can't lose if you're not playing. So I can be caring and invested and vulnerable and sometimes scared...OR...I can be aloof and cool and confident because I don't give a damn.
I can't even try anything unless I'm pretty confident I'll succeed at it, at least not where anybody can see. I am horrified to be embarrassed or to disappoint other people, to not do it right whatever IT is.
That code was written by my parents when I was a really little kid. And it executes again and again on so many levels, in so many ways in my life.
So applied to sexuality, I take literally EVERY single message I hear from any man ever, and from society and culture, about what a woman is "supposed" to be...and I expect that if I don't somehow manage to be ALL of them at once, I am a failure who will never be allowed to give or receive love, and whose lot is to inevitably disappoint and be abandoned. If it's not happening, it's only because they haven't gotten to know me well enough yet, just how Not Perfect I am. Because I can't be this impossible EveryGirl person, who is perfectly shapely, curvy and plump but also athletic, tiny and slim, a redhead for every guy who likes that, has perfect skin and perfect grace and perfect everything, who is somehow smart and respectable and charming and innocent and demure and alluring at the same time as being naughty and sexual and willing to do everything that any man wants any time, but not in a trashy way! Oh, and if I'm being something utterly impossible can I also not ever get a bodily cramp or discomfort that causes me to have to shift position when my lover is enjoying what we're doing? Oh, and I must always have stimulating things to talk about, but never drama or stress or problems. I'm in perfect health at all times and require no maintenance whatsoever.
I know how ridiculous that is. But I feel like my inability to be something impossible means that I don't deserve happiness and love.
Or. I can not care, shut up my heart to giving and receiving love, but at least have companionship...and just be who I am, take it or leave it.
Because child me didn't understand that my dad wasn't around, and my mom was sleeping all the time, because they were unhappy with EACH OTHER, not because I wasn't good enough. Not because I failed at soccer and tumbling and being whatever I was supposed to be as a girl.
And I don't hold anyone else to this ridiculousness. Other people, most people, are perfect just as they are. Should be forgiven and understood. I have always been forgiving and understanding of others, I've been doing that my whole life, too. Again, back to my parents not parenting me wasn't because THEY were doing anything wrong, it had to be me. I just don't give myself that compassion, nor expect it from anyone else, really. This behavior expresses itself in lots of ways. I point out certain of my flaws, and explain them to people, because I'm apologizing for not being perfect, and because I feel the need to say, "Look, I am telling you this so you can know I don't care, and you can't hurt me with it. I do not give you the power to mess with my self esteem, and trust me, I do enough to myself without your help." When instead what comes out of my mouth is the story of how I have a "brain tumor" on my nose, or how my breasts used to be nice before I had my kids, or any of my other disclaimers about this defective meat-mech I'm piloting around.
Is it ok? I'm sorry it's not perfect. I'd be perfect for you, if I could.
It's like telling my parents, look...I'm sorry that I'm kind of clumsy, ok? I'm not graceful or feminine, I'm not really good at this whole girl thing. I'd rather be building something, or running around in the woods, than dancing in a dress, and I know that's disappointing for you and all. But if you could still find it in your heart to give me a bit of your time, that'd be pretty nice, ok? Maybe find something good to appreciate about me instead of spending hours railing at me for every single failure? No?
And Claire is over there, knowing damn well that she wants to be sex positive, and is supportive of slut walks and whatever, but is super sensitive to the notion that her sexuality is something she could be judged badly for.
My poor wretched ex feels that women, starting with his biological mother, don't want him and always abandon him. To the point where he is driven to CREATE the circumstances that lead to his relationships ending, in such a way that he can cry "See! This always happens!" He has at least learned, this time around and through the many hours we spent talking about it, that a significant part of his troubles comes from his own behavior, though he can't see that he's setting it up to happen all over again, right now.
OK, so we dig and we find this stuff, buried in our heads. We examine it, understand it, grok it right down to its very origins... How in the everloving hell do we FIX it though?? In the sense that no only can we say, "Yeah that just doesn't make any damn sense" but actually get our hearts to agree that it's time to stop feeling that way, as it is counterproductive...?
The only answer that people have ever given me, is "therapy." But I don't have the time or money for that right now. I don't know.
But if any of us ever figures out the secret, let's promise to share it, huh??
Regarding the deep down messages we grow up with:
This has been a struggle for me, too. I'm realizing the parallels, I'm starting to recognize this particular sensation, this feeling, that squicky, "brakes" feeling, the bad feeling, just below my sternum, this I want to shrink, retreat, stop playing, quit caring, hide, be defensive, withdraw...that FEELING. It is not just sex-brakes. It is associated with a number of things, and I can remember some childhood family drama that started the programming of that code.
Essentially I think for me it boils down to: I have to try to make people happy or they won't love me and they'll abandon me, not care for me. So I've got to find ways to be what they need me to be, so they'll be pleased, so they'll stick around and let me attach lovingly to them, and give me love back. The problem with this sort of...performance anxiety almost... is that it's more focused on the flipside. The failure. If I fail, they WILL abandon me. And every rejection, is because I failed.
Trying and failing is far more frightening, than never trying. The best defense is a great big heap of "I don't care." No one can hurt you, if you don't care! And you can't really FAIL if you don't try, you can't lose if you're not playing. So I can be caring and invested and vulnerable and sometimes scared...OR...I can be aloof and cool and confident because I don't give a damn.
I can't even try anything unless I'm pretty confident I'll succeed at it, at least not where anybody can see. I am horrified to be embarrassed or to disappoint other people, to not do it right whatever IT is.
That code was written by my parents when I was a really little kid. And it executes again and again on so many levels, in so many ways in my life.
So applied to sexuality, I take literally EVERY single message I hear from any man ever, and from society and culture, about what a woman is "supposed" to be...and I expect that if I don't somehow manage to be ALL of them at once, I am a failure who will never be allowed to give or receive love, and whose lot is to inevitably disappoint and be abandoned. If it's not happening, it's only because they haven't gotten to know me well enough yet, just how Not Perfect I am. Because I can't be this impossible EveryGirl person, who is perfectly shapely, curvy and plump but also athletic, tiny and slim, a redhead for every guy who likes that, has perfect skin and perfect grace and perfect everything, who is somehow smart and respectable and charming and innocent and demure and alluring at the same time as being naughty and sexual and willing to do everything that any man wants any time, but not in a trashy way! Oh, and if I'm being something utterly impossible can I also not ever get a bodily cramp or discomfort that causes me to have to shift position when my lover is enjoying what we're doing? Oh, and I must always have stimulating things to talk about, but never drama or stress or problems. I'm in perfect health at all times and require no maintenance whatsoever.
I know how ridiculous that is. But I feel like my inability to be something impossible means that I don't deserve happiness and love.
Or. I can not care, shut up my heart to giving and receiving love, but at least have companionship...and just be who I am, take it or leave it.
Because child me didn't understand that my dad wasn't around, and my mom was sleeping all the time, because they were unhappy with EACH OTHER, not because I wasn't good enough. Not because I failed at soccer and tumbling and being whatever I was supposed to be as a girl.
And I don't hold anyone else to this ridiculousness. Other people, most people, are perfect just as they are. Should be forgiven and understood. I have always been forgiving and understanding of others, I've been doing that my whole life, too. Again, back to my parents not parenting me wasn't because THEY were doing anything wrong, it had to be me. I just don't give myself that compassion, nor expect it from anyone else, really. This behavior expresses itself in lots of ways. I point out certain of my flaws, and explain them to people, because I'm apologizing for not being perfect, and because I feel the need to say, "Look, I am telling you this so you can know I don't care, and you can't hurt me with it. I do not give you the power to mess with my self esteem, and trust me, I do enough to myself without your help." When instead what comes out of my mouth is the story of how I have a "brain tumor" on my nose, or how my breasts used to be nice before I had my kids, or any of my other disclaimers about this defective meat-mech I'm piloting around.
Is it ok? I'm sorry it's not perfect. I'd be perfect for you, if I could.
It's like telling my parents, look...I'm sorry that I'm kind of clumsy, ok? I'm not graceful or feminine, I'm not really good at this whole girl thing. I'd rather be building something, or running around in the woods, than dancing in a dress, and I know that's disappointing for you and all. But if you could still find it in your heart to give me a bit of your time, that'd be pretty nice, ok? Maybe find something good to appreciate about me instead of spending hours railing at me for every single failure? No?
And Claire is over there, knowing damn well that she wants to be sex positive, and is supportive of slut walks and whatever, but is super sensitive to the notion that her sexuality is something she could be judged badly for.
My poor wretched ex feels that women, starting with his biological mother, don't want him and always abandon him. To the point where he is driven to CREATE the circumstances that lead to his relationships ending, in such a way that he can cry "See! This always happens!" He has at least learned, this time around and through the many hours we spent talking about it, that a significant part of his troubles comes from his own behavior, though he can't see that he's setting it up to happen all over again, right now.
OK, so we dig and we find this stuff, buried in our heads. We examine it, understand it, grok it right down to its very origins... How in the everloving hell do we FIX it though?? In the sense that no only can we say, "Yeah that just doesn't make any damn sense" but actually get our hearts to agree that it's time to stop feeling that way, as it is counterproductive...?
The only answer that people have ever given me, is "therapy." But I don't have the time or money for that right now. I don't know.
But if any of us ever figures out the secret, let's promise to share it, huh??
You could start acting in a different way, and the feelings would follow.
It's not the feelings we have, so much as the actions we take, that determine our success, and define our paths and our evolution.
Therapy breaks you down, and then rebuilds you. The rebuilding partly consists of encouragement to ACT a different way, a way that reflects your insights.
It's not the feelings we have, so much as the actions we take, that determine our success, and define our paths and our evolution.
Therapy breaks you down, and then rebuilds you. The rebuilding partly consists of encouragement to ACT a different way, a way that reflects your insights.
Spork
Active member
Well, part of my process is figuring out where my boundaries are.
Like, some behaviors I want to challenge and change.
Others, I don't. And I feel like those are limits or boundaries I should be able to have.
I want to be able to watch porn without feeling like I can't possibly be EveryGirl and therefore am doomed to fail and disappoint. So. Working on that. Wanting that behavior to change, and that thinking, and that feeling.
Talking myself logically out of the idea, that is one thing. Confronting it without feeling the feel is another. But worth an effort in my mind.
However, there are things where I do NOT want to be pushed, nudged, or encouraged if I am not feeling comfortable.
Foods. Dancing or singing, or playing any sort of instrument.
Now, Zen will maybe read this and think of Saturday night, where certain songs I liked a lot played, and I danced a little bit. I don't know if he will remember a moment that he said, "move with the bass rhythm," or something to that effect, and I immediately stopped dancing altogether. I cannot take instruction or guidance, because my body won't even take guidance or instruction from my brain. I can only dance a bit if I feel my way into it and just move without thinking about it. If I try to think about what I'm doing, or coordinate to a planned action, I flail and bumble around like an idiot, I just...can't. Make me aware of my movements and make me TRY to deliberately do something and just forget it. I'm done. My body won't do what I want it to.
And once that reaction is triggered, I not only don't want to try...I kind of want to leave. I worry if anyone saw me, and I wonder why I am so different. Other people can follow along with a choreographed set of movements, but I can not. I mean, there was one of the few musical acts that does get me up trying to dance and then (horror!) they started this lead and follow set of vaguely bellydance-ish motions. Pretty simple ones. Put one hand in the air and do a beckoning wave thing, do something with one foot, shake your hips, turn in a circle. How could anyone possibly fuck it up? Well somehow without being told, the entire audience knew to do it a certain way, with a certain hand and foot leading and turning to the left first and all, and I managed to get it backwards. Wrong hand, wrong foot, turning the wrong way. When you look around and realize you're all fucked up and doing it differently from everyone, there is just no coming back from that. I fled, to the back of the crowd, immediately. Prior to that realization, it had been taking all of my concentration to just mimic the motions.
Other people do this very naturally. I don't. Never have. And it makes me horribly frightened when people seem to...expect...that I can.
So pushing against these things in a "change your behavior" way, I could just pretend I'm like everyone else or just go fail and let everyone see me failing and realize maybe that the world didn't end just because I looked like an idiot, I guess. But I would REALLY rather not. I mean that feeling of being different and not...humaning...properly, makes me want to live alone with my cat forever. Like give me my cat and some nice tea and my jigsaw puzzles, no one will ever judge me again. The other monkeys can fuck off.
I find it very intellectually fascinating though, that one essential WORM (write once, read many for anyone who hasn't already encountered the term)...in the brain, can manage to infiltrate and cause responses for SO MANY different situations. And I'm glad at least that when I feel that feeling I can now say, "Oh. There is that feeling. Is it related to that old bad code in some way? Do I want to work on changing it, or live with the limitation that it places on me?"
...................................................
Met with my beloved Zen man for lunch. Had yummy apple pie. Plotting and scheming and scheming and plotting, for the Big Awesome Vday-Bday Weekend Thing. Wish I could share my plans and my schemes, but I can't because he reads this and it's gonna be sort of surprisey. Ish. He could figure it out if he tried, I think. But anyways, I'm not gonna just give it away completely.
I'll tell you guys later.
I love Zen. He still gives me the zingy zings of happiness.
Oh...and in other real world, outside of my head stuff news...
Did I mention that Old Wolf made it to his destination? Yeah. Haven't talked to him since he arrived, but I'm ok with that.
I need to go meet with the people who my older son is staying with. We all need to sit down and talk about his grades and his future.
And I found out today that I have to actually execute and put into practical reality my "restoration" to my maiden name, before I file my bankruptcy. The lawyer says that my maiden name has to be on the docs. Yeah, that means my ID needs to match...but I don't know if I've got to contact all the creditors and change my name on all of those accounts too or what. Such a damn hassle. Almost wish I hadn't asked the court to change my name back, and I wish I could go back and change my mind now, but I can't without just as much hassle, not to mention expense. I'd hoped I could skate by using my married last name on everything until after the bankruptcy was over with, but no.
*sigh*
PinkPig
Well-known member
I'm a people pleaser, too, Spork. All part of my fear of abandonment issues. Same reason I attach and don't let go of relationships easily....even when they're obviously not right for me. I am in therapy. It's costly, but it's helping. I'm also trying to use mindfulness and meditation to redirect and retrain my thoughts. Like Magdlyn said, changing actions/acting as if (until it is), helps. So does challenging my thoughts. When I recognize a programmed thought....or any thought that isn't beneficial, I visualize a stop sign and change my thoughts. Reprogramming I guess. Like you said though, sifting through it all and determining which areas to prioritize and which areas I don't wish to change, is time consuming. Some things that I recognize as programmed bs from childhood, I still don't necessarily wish to work on. Sometimes it's not that important of an issue. ....and some things, if changed, would change me in ways I don't wish to be changed ...especially if it'll change something about me that I like. But just having the awareness of where it came from helps, imo.
Hey Spork, I am trying to figure out the secret. And so far as I understand it until now, the trouble is, there is no ONE secret, and that's why nobody is telling you. But there's a bunch of different tips and techniques, and I've picked up a few. Most of them... take time and consistency.
- Magdlyn sais action, and that's certainly one of the best ones. Take action by doing more of the thing you want to learn, or just go get new life experience. But sometimes it's just not an option, or not an option yet.
- One of the first steps may be emotional release. This can happen spontaneusly when contemplating, when talking to a partner or therapist, and there are various techniques to take you back to traumatic events safely. (I only tried one immagination, kind of long to describe.)
- (Self)acceptance. Again, there are powerful exercises out there to help you. One visualization example that I have encountered (in therapy, haha) is visualising yourself disolving into love (this could be liquid of some kind) and then inviting the demon/hard feeling you want to come to terms with to take all the love it needs. I've had pain in animal form play around in the water... this can produce quite a shift.
- Positive thinking is a popular one. Consistently re-focus your thoughts on what you want to have in your life, not the trouble. The obstacle with this one imho is, that it can't be really done with any feeling of 'obligation' to change or achieve, otherwise it leads to more suppressing and more resistance. On the same front, positive affirmations. (I don't know how to apply those successfuly.)
- Maybe the simplest but hard to apply consistently is "just watching it", awareness. Particularly useful with addiction. It works this way: you don't stop yourself from (taking your cigarette, eating your burger, worrying your brain off although you know it's a bad habbit), you do it and you're extra mindful with it. You notice how you feel before, during, after, how the thing smells or tastes, what it does to your body. You don't judge, guilt or shame yourself. You don't try to stop yourself. ... Do this for a long enough period of time, and you may notice that you just don't want to do your bad habbit any more. Trouble is, you have to remember to be aware and non-judgemental, and also very patient. But I think this one could be applicable to you - "Oh there's this paralysis/pretence/urge to overperform again, let me give an approving nod to it and just watch it."
- They say a meditation habbit helps.
Spork
Active member
Thanks for the thoughts, you two!
The one thing, Tinwen, I have to be careful of, is letting the trouble behaviors slip back into quiet background where they still operate and function but without my awareness. I did a lot of that, before.
So "fake it till you make it" only goes so far, I'm afraid that if my gremlins are not watched and worked on in a mindful and aware sort of a fashion, they'll get up to mischief where I can't see.
Has anyone heard this phrase in memes or on the net or whatever? I don't know where it originated... "But did you die?"
Like you ride in the car with someone whose driving habits scare you, "But did you die?" might be the appropriate response at the end of the trip, right?
Well one thing I'm doing is where I see an area that I feel touchy or avoidant or whatever about, I remember that just experiencing it isn't going to kill me. Nothing terrible is going to happen. It'll be fine.
Again, I really don't expect that I'm going to completely erase all of my inhibitions and I'm not sure that I really want to. But I'm trying to claim the power to make change in areas where I want to.
So. Yesterday I took a chance and popped by Zen's work with a bag of candy and a card. My gut was saying "I am really not sure this is a good idea...you probably shouldn't bother him at work..." but after work yesterday was the first chance I'd had to step out and pick up a bit of Valentine's Day stuff and I wanted to give him just a couple of small tokens of affection if I could. I argued with my gut that I would be SUPER QUICK and would not really bug him and that hey, there was a chance I'd brighten his day, since work is very stressful for him.
Well, I walked in and I could tell that he was in a sort of "flow"...moving about very efficiently and in work-headspace. I lurked for a few seconds holding my gifts, wanting very much to sort of hide in the background until I could catch him at a moment when he was not rushing about. Like the second he stops to take a breath, I'll pop up, hand him the things, make a quick smoochy face at him, and vanish like a Valentine's ninja!
Unfortunately his coworkers noticed me standing around and started to be very, "Can I help you with this, may I help you with that?" and my cover was blown, and he noticed me mid-task, and yeah I think I disrupted his work-flow....but he isn't mad at me for it. And I appreciate that.
Best laid plans of mice and girlfriends. Oh well. LOL. But the candy and the card were well chosen, well received, and appreciated, once he found a moment to do so.
This weekend should be pretty awesome though. I'm excited. Can't wait until Friday!
EDIT: Wanted to share...this musician, Aurelio Voltaire Hernandez (his real name) who goes by Voltaire...he's kind of an indie/goth/convention folk nerd music comedy guy. Very, VERY talented in many areas of art, writing, and music. Anyhow. I'm on his email list, and evidently he is trying to figure out where, among email, Youtube, Facebook, he is effectively reaching his fans. So he asked in the most recent email today if we would please reply and let him know that the messages were not being filtered to spam or something.
You want to hear from us? Really? OK... I'm sure he got deluged. But I replied, and as part of my reply wanted to wish him a happy...something. Valentine's Day? No, that just passed. Ah! "Half Price Candy Day!" or "Sloppy Seconds Day!" And then I was like no, best stick to the candy thing...
The one thing, Tinwen, I have to be careful of, is letting the trouble behaviors slip back into quiet background where they still operate and function but without my awareness. I did a lot of that, before.
So "fake it till you make it" only goes so far, I'm afraid that if my gremlins are not watched and worked on in a mindful and aware sort of a fashion, they'll get up to mischief where I can't see.
Has anyone heard this phrase in memes or on the net or whatever? I don't know where it originated... "But did you die?"
Like you ride in the car with someone whose driving habits scare you, "But did you die?" might be the appropriate response at the end of the trip, right?
Well one thing I'm doing is where I see an area that I feel touchy or avoidant or whatever about, I remember that just experiencing it isn't going to kill me. Nothing terrible is going to happen. It'll be fine.
Again, I really don't expect that I'm going to completely erase all of my inhibitions and I'm not sure that I really want to. But I'm trying to claim the power to make change in areas where I want to.
So. Yesterday I took a chance and popped by Zen's work with a bag of candy and a card. My gut was saying "I am really not sure this is a good idea...you probably shouldn't bother him at work..." but after work yesterday was the first chance I'd had to step out and pick up a bit of Valentine's Day stuff and I wanted to give him just a couple of small tokens of affection if I could. I argued with my gut that I would be SUPER QUICK and would not really bug him and that hey, there was a chance I'd brighten his day, since work is very stressful for him.
Well, I walked in and I could tell that he was in a sort of "flow"...moving about very efficiently and in work-headspace. I lurked for a few seconds holding my gifts, wanting very much to sort of hide in the background until I could catch him at a moment when he was not rushing about. Like the second he stops to take a breath, I'll pop up, hand him the things, make a quick smoochy face at him, and vanish like a Valentine's ninja!
Unfortunately his coworkers noticed me standing around and started to be very, "Can I help you with this, may I help you with that?" and my cover was blown, and he noticed me mid-task, and yeah I think I disrupted his work-flow....but he isn't mad at me for it. And I appreciate that.
Best laid plans of mice and girlfriends. Oh well. LOL. But the candy and the card were well chosen, well received, and appreciated, once he found a moment to do so.
This weekend should be pretty awesome though. I'm excited. Can't wait until Friday!
EDIT: Wanted to share...this musician, Aurelio Voltaire Hernandez (his real name) who goes by Voltaire...he's kind of an indie/goth/convention folk nerd music comedy guy. Very, VERY talented in many areas of art, writing, and music. Anyhow. I'm on his email list, and evidently he is trying to figure out where, among email, Youtube, Facebook, he is effectively reaching his fans. So he asked in the most recent email today if we would please reply and let him know that the messages were not being filtered to spam or something.
You want to hear from us? Really? OK... I'm sure he got deluged. But I replied, and as part of my reply wanted to wish him a happy...something. Valentine's Day? No, that just passed. Ah! "Half Price Candy Day!" or "Sloppy Seconds Day!" And then I was like no, best stick to the candy thing...
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Hannahfluke
Member
My therapist recommended the book Self Compassion by Kristen Neff. I'm a lot like you, really judgmental about myself but kind and compassionate to others. My therapist really likes this book for situations like that and it definitely has helped me be more aware of my patterns of thought and help to change them. I also love the books by Brene Brown (she's a shame researcher).
Spork
Active member
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
On the deep-down messages and how do we move past them...
For me, I have to be truly ready, truly wanting to change. Doing something because I'm "supposed to" or because it will please someone else just never works. I find myself digging in my heels, getting defensive, fighting the change, even if rationally I believe it would be for the better.
The other thing I have found, and I know it's such a therapy cliche, but it has helped me - sometimes you just have to let yourself grieve the unfairness of life. I am one of those "paste on a smile and look on the bright side" types, so that doesn't come easily to me. But sometimes when I am clinging to negative patterns and unhelpful attitudes, it is because I am sad, angry, and resentful that life is hard.
This is a whole fuck ton of "me" but maybe it will help...
My bio family was amazingly awful, but I survived childhood because my parents were somewhat less crazy than their families, and decent humans who loved me. Then my mom committed suicide when I was in middle school. And my dad... Checked out emotionally, understandably. I didn't really grieve, because I couldn't, I was too busy surviving the random acts of batshit crazy. What I did instead was develop anorexia, a drug habit, a taste for skipping school, and a drinking problem that was really impressive for someone too young to buy alcohol.
I was in therapy for years, through high school and the first years of college, and I fought tooth and nail against everyone's efforts to help me sober up and eat and be happy. Because I didn't want to sober up and eat and be happy. That would be like pretending everything was fine ... And everything was not fine. I grew up in hell, I lost my mom, then I lost my dad (in my eyes) to his new wife. I was NOT OK and life was NOT FAIR and I just wanted someone to see that. Someone to acknowledge, for once, that I got dealt a crappy hand, in so many ways, and that sucked.
You know who I needed that acknowledgement from? Myself. I knew deep down no one in my family was going to give it to me, and as much as I craved it from my friends, it wasn't their responsibility. I had to do it on my own, say out loud that life was unfair. That some things were going to be harder for me than for other people. Grieve it. Accept it.
I still struggle, of course. But I do try to give myself time and space to get sad and angry about the shitty things. Both the personal ones and the world in general. When I find myself getting frustrated with my sex life, I stop and say, yeah, you're right, it sucks to be incompatible with your husband in that way... it isn't fair that some people have great sex with their husbands, while you struggle with it, and have to look elsewhere for a compatible sex partner. When I see the ridiculous media messages, I take time to think, damn, it's shitty that our society expects women to be demure madonnas and wild sex maniacs at the same time.
It's not a magic pill. But it helps me to get past the defenses and move forward.
For me, I have to be truly ready, truly wanting to change. Doing something because I'm "supposed to" or because it will please someone else just never works. I find myself digging in my heels, getting defensive, fighting the change, even if rationally I believe it would be for the better.
The other thing I have found, and I know it's such a therapy cliche, but it has helped me - sometimes you just have to let yourself grieve the unfairness of life. I am one of those "paste on a smile and look on the bright side" types, so that doesn't come easily to me. But sometimes when I am clinging to negative patterns and unhelpful attitudes, it is because I am sad, angry, and resentful that life is hard.
This is a whole fuck ton of "me" but maybe it will help...
My bio family was amazingly awful, but I survived childhood because my parents were somewhat less crazy than their families, and decent humans who loved me. Then my mom committed suicide when I was in middle school. And my dad... Checked out emotionally, understandably. I didn't really grieve, because I couldn't, I was too busy surviving the random acts of batshit crazy. What I did instead was develop anorexia, a drug habit, a taste for skipping school, and a drinking problem that was really impressive for someone too young to buy alcohol.
I was in therapy for years, through high school and the first years of college, and I fought tooth and nail against everyone's efforts to help me sober up and eat and be happy. Because I didn't want to sober up and eat and be happy. That would be like pretending everything was fine ... And everything was not fine. I grew up in hell, I lost my mom, then I lost my dad (in my eyes) to his new wife. I was NOT OK and life was NOT FAIR and I just wanted someone to see that. Someone to acknowledge, for once, that I got dealt a crappy hand, in so many ways, and that sucked.
You know who I needed that acknowledgement from? Myself. I knew deep down no one in my family was going to give it to me, and as much as I craved it from my friends, it wasn't their responsibility. I had to do it on my own, say out loud that life was unfair. That some things were going to be harder for me than for other people. Grieve it. Accept it.
I still struggle, of course. But I do try to give myself time and space to get sad and angry about the shitty things. Both the personal ones and the world in general. When I find myself getting frustrated with my sex life, I stop and say, yeah, you're right, it sucks to be incompatible with your husband in that way... it isn't fair that some people have great sex with their husbands, while you struggle with it, and have to look elsewhere for a compatible sex partner. When I see the ridiculous media messages, I take time to think, damn, it's shitty that our society expects women to be demure madonnas and wild sex maniacs at the same time.
It's not a magic pill. But it helps me to get past the defenses and move forward.
Spork
Active member
Claire, that's some good food for thought, and I appreciate it.
I think I fear letting myself explore some of my negative emotions because:
1. If people get the sense that I'm feeling bad things, it's off-putting. Like, it's one thing to think your way through something rationally. But I don't want others to feel burdened by my "drama" or see that I'm being irrational, or emotional. So I don't want to let that hang out. I try to be calm and groovy mostly always, as far as anyone knows, even if I'm going through stuff or talking about problems, I try to make sure I never give anyone the impression that I am not OK. I'm always OK.
2. Yet I'm afraid to explore my negative emotions by myself, because if I do, then I might lose control of them and wind up in a depression state again (hasn't happened in a long time.) And if that happens, I don't know how to reach out to others, I wind up stuck in bed and not able to function. I don't eat. I'm afraid I might even go back to smoking if that happened. Like bad things could happen. I don't want to let go the grip on my self control. The last time I did that was when my ex was deployed in like 2010 or so. It was really, really bad.
Climbing out of the well is hard when you're alone, but I can't bear the thought of anyone seeing me like that, so I have never had help in the past when it happened. I work really hard to prevent it instead. I use every tool I have to manage my mood and keep myself on an even keel.
And that means sometimes I don't grieve things when I need to maybe, or I don't let my emotional states run their course. You know what the author of "Come As You Are" has to say about that.
So I don't know. Also, crying gives me a headache.
Anyways. I went to a discussion group last night. The MFQ (Lady who runs the dungeon) is more herself these days, she had a time being submissive to a man she was relationshipping with, but they broke up and she's...well, frankly, acting more like the woman I knew before. I may ask if she'd like to top me sometime soon. It felt weird before. That's because her vibe then was more...vulnerable, introverted...in a sub role she seemed to be entirely different in her demeanor. She has said that there were unhealthy things going on in the relationship, as well. I won't get too much into her business, though. Mainly I want to say she was acting different and it made me not so comfortable to approach her about a scene. And now she is acting more assertive and I feel like the idea might be received differently, and I might, if it is ok with my Zen.
I need to find a point very soon, to go down to the house where my son is living and talk to the friends who are housing him and talk to him. I've been watching his grades, and he's failing three classes. It has only been a week since Old Wolf left, but I've seen not a bit of positive change in his grades, and I need to get an idea for if this arrangement is actually working out for everyone, and if I maybe need to be more involved.
If Ninja doesn't graduate, I'm probably going to have to take him back in and help him get his ducks in a row for the next stage of his life. Like get his GED and help him learn to drive and figure out what comes next, college or job or whatever. According to the divorce, and according to everything we'd discussed leading up to it, Old Wolf was supposed to take responsibility for our older boy. Instead, he pawned him off on someone else as quick as he could, and abandoned everything, and borrowed large sums of money from his friends to get himself relocated up to Oregon to chase his old flame. Having a woman to fasten onto (a narc supply, really) was so crucial to him that he spared not a thought to his responsibility to his son, and kept telling me that his friend would take care of this and that, and I didn't have to worry about Ninja. Well I'm fucking worrying about him. I cannot just forget about him, he is my kid.
Yet of course Old Wolf and his buddies figure I'm totally neglecting Q, to run around and have fun. They all look down on me. Q did what teenagers do, and talked shit about me to his Dad to try and play us against each other, which I expected having played the same game myself as a kid. But the fact is, I DO keep a close eye on what Q is up to, I DO watch his grades, I DO counsel him almost daily on what he needs to be doing. Am I out all or most of the evening, several times a week? Yes. Does that mean I'm not parenting the boy? No. Just because I'm not spending every moment I'm not working or sleeping, cooking or cleaning or helping him with his homework, doesn't mean that I'm not parenting him.
Funny how OldWolf can warp the perceptions of people he talks to. They all think he is the living, breathing embodiment of high moral standards somehow, duty and honor and loyalty...and I'm just some shiftless slut who "wasn't The One after all"...like they've all bought in to him as the Hero of the story and me just a plot device. Well fuck 'em. I don't need their approval.
This is why I haven't tried to talk to his family. On the one hand, it pisses me off that they only have his side of the story. On the other hand, they are his FAMILY and his support system and I don't have any desire to undermine that, and I'm afraid I'll feel compelled to tell them the truth, or defend my own name...and frankly...my gut says it's just better to let him have his people, let them think what they want, and do what I need to do on my side of things.
You know, he kept saying he had to get the hell out of this town because he kept running into people who knew me. Maybe that's part of his discomfort. He kept running into people who did not know the narrative as told by him. The "she never loved or wanted me, all I wanted was to be loved, no woman can be trusted, she broke my poor heart" story. Followed by what a terrible mother I am for going to *gasp* "sex parties!!" and leaving our son alone in the apartment. Yeah, our son is bored because he hasn't made a bunch of friends in the area. He plays a lot of video games. But I know he isn't having sex or doing drugs, even though he used to sneak and smoke his DAD'S pot when he was over there. I know his grades are good. Even when I'm not there, I know what he's up to. Oh, but I'm a terrible mother according to the kid, because he's bored, and because we can't afford to buy him every single thing he wants every moment that he wants it. And I ask him to take out the trash. Yeah. It's awful.
*sigh* Maybe I shouldn't be so pissed off that my ex warps reality like that, I mean...he DID vote for trump...and our son, I forgive, because I did it too, but I warned my ex that he might try this, and not to play into it. It's basically just a teenager trying out certain social power plays. Divorced parents provide a perfect playing field for kids to attempt to learn manipulation, which, no lie, CAN be a useful social skill to master. So I am not really that bothered by what my son says. I know the reality.
Now I just need to concern myself with what's going on with my older kid, and if he might need my intervention or help at some point. The only reason he stayed with those friends, was to finish high school in the same school, but if he's failing three classes, I'm not sure that was a great plan...
I think I fear letting myself explore some of my negative emotions because:
1. If people get the sense that I'm feeling bad things, it's off-putting. Like, it's one thing to think your way through something rationally. But I don't want others to feel burdened by my "drama" or see that I'm being irrational, or emotional. So I don't want to let that hang out. I try to be calm and groovy mostly always, as far as anyone knows, even if I'm going through stuff or talking about problems, I try to make sure I never give anyone the impression that I am not OK. I'm always OK.
2. Yet I'm afraid to explore my negative emotions by myself, because if I do, then I might lose control of them and wind up in a depression state again (hasn't happened in a long time.) And if that happens, I don't know how to reach out to others, I wind up stuck in bed and not able to function. I don't eat. I'm afraid I might even go back to smoking if that happened. Like bad things could happen. I don't want to let go the grip on my self control. The last time I did that was when my ex was deployed in like 2010 or so. It was really, really bad.
Climbing out of the well is hard when you're alone, but I can't bear the thought of anyone seeing me like that, so I have never had help in the past when it happened. I work really hard to prevent it instead. I use every tool I have to manage my mood and keep myself on an even keel.
And that means sometimes I don't grieve things when I need to maybe, or I don't let my emotional states run their course. You know what the author of "Come As You Are" has to say about that.
So I don't know. Also, crying gives me a headache.
Anyways. I went to a discussion group last night. The MFQ (Lady who runs the dungeon) is more herself these days, she had a time being submissive to a man she was relationshipping with, but they broke up and she's...well, frankly, acting more like the woman I knew before. I may ask if she'd like to top me sometime soon. It felt weird before. That's because her vibe then was more...vulnerable, introverted...in a sub role she seemed to be entirely different in her demeanor. She has said that there were unhealthy things going on in the relationship, as well. I won't get too much into her business, though. Mainly I want to say she was acting different and it made me not so comfortable to approach her about a scene. And now she is acting more assertive and I feel like the idea might be received differently, and I might, if it is ok with my Zen.
I need to find a point very soon, to go down to the house where my son is living and talk to the friends who are housing him and talk to him. I've been watching his grades, and he's failing three classes. It has only been a week since Old Wolf left, but I've seen not a bit of positive change in his grades, and I need to get an idea for if this arrangement is actually working out for everyone, and if I maybe need to be more involved.
If Ninja doesn't graduate, I'm probably going to have to take him back in and help him get his ducks in a row for the next stage of his life. Like get his GED and help him learn to drive and figure out what comes next, college or job or whatever. According to the divorce, and according to everything we'd discussed leading up to it, Old Wolf was supposed to take responsibility for our older boy. Instead, he pawned him off on someone else as quick as he could, and abandoned everything, and borrowed large sums of money from his friends to get himself relocated up to Oregon to chase his old flame. Having a woman to fasten onto (a narc supply, really) was so crucial to him that he spared not a thought to his responsibility to his son, and kept telling me that his friend would take care of this and that, and I didn't have to worry about Ninja. Well I'm fucking worrying about him. I cannot just forget about him, he is my kid.
Yet of course Old Wolf and his buddies figure I'm totally neglecting Q, to run around and have fun. They all look down on me. Q did what teenagers do, and talked shit about me to his Dad to try and play us against each other, which I expected having played the same game myself as a kid. But the fact is, I DO keep a close eye on what Q is up to, I DO watch his grades, I DO counsel him almost daily on what he needs to be doing. Am I out all or most of the evening, several times a week? Yes. Does that mean I'm not parenting the boy? No. Just because I'm not spending every moment I'm not working or sleeping, cooking or cleaning or helping him with his homework, doesn't mean that I'm not parenting him.
Funny how OldWolf can warp the perceptions of people he talks to. They all think he is the living, breathing embodiment of high moral standards somehow, duty and honor and loyalty...and I'm just some shiftless slut who "wasn't The One after all"...like they've all bought in to him as the Hero of the story and me just a plot device. Well fuck 'em. I don't need their approval.
This is why I haven't tried to talk to his family. On the one hand, it pisses me off that they only have his side of the story. On the other hand, they are his FAMILY and his support system and I don't have any desire to undermine that, and I'm afraid I'll feel compelled to tell them the truth, or defend my own name...and frankly...my gut says it's just better to let him have his people, let them think what they want, and do what I need to do on my side of things.
You know, he kept saying he had to get the hell out of this town because he kept running into people who knew me. Maybe that's part of his discomfort. He kept running into people who did not know the narrative as told by him. The "she never loved or wanted me, all I wanted was to be loved, no woman can be trusted, she broke my poor heart" story. Followed by what a terrible mother I am for going to *gasp* "sex parties!!" and leaving our son alone in the apartment. Yeah, our son is bored because he hasn't made a bunch of friends in the area. He plays a lot of video games. But I know he isn't having sex or doing drugs, even though he used to sneak and smoke his DAD'S pot when he was over there. I know his grades are good. Even when I'm not there, I know what he's up to. Oh, but I'm a terrible mother according to the kid, because he's bored, and because we can't afford to buy him every single thing he wants every moment that he wants it. And I ask him to take out the trash. Yeah. It's awful.
*sigh* Maybe I shouldn't be so pissed off that my ex warps reality like that, I mean...he DID vote for trump...and our son, I forgive, because I did it too, but I warned my ex that he might try this, and not to play into it. It's basically just a teenager trying out certain social power plays. Divorced parents provide a perfect playing field for kids to attempt to learn manipulation, which, no lie, CAN be a useful social skill to master. So I am not really that bothered by what my son says. I know the reality.
Now I just need to concern myself with what's going on with my older kid, and if he might need my intervention or help at some point. The only reason he stayed with those friends, was to finish high school in the same school, but if he's failing three classes, I'm not sure that was a great plan...
Spork
Active member
Hitting the bloggo real quicklike since I'm waiting for Zen to arrive. We are going to maybe watch a movie and relax before tonight's adventure.
I went to see Ninja last night. Picked him up and took him and Q to Sonic. Ninja had not been eating that much, he had no lunch money (so I gave him some) and he had eaten dinner at the house but was still hungry, so I bought him another meal and he ate that, too. I told him to please get in touch with me if he needs anything, and not just try to get by without it. Especially if it's something important, like food.
I then talked to him about his grades. My position is that I am not sure that with only a couple of months left, he can really pull one particular important class out of failing state, and he needs that class to graduate. He said he was confident that he could and had spoken to his teacher, and they had a plan and were working together on it and it would be fine.
I want to believe him, but the kid has gotten pretty good at saying what people want to hear, with tones of absolute truth and confidence, so I am not holding my breath. But I also gave him a deadline to get ready for his written test for his driving learner's permit, since he's made no progress on that, either, I told him to be ready in one week, and how to go about studying for it. I will follow up and bug him.
I made sure to repeat that his parents had not abandoned him, and I was just up the road, anytime he needs anything, I was only a text away. Asked to make sure his phone is working.
I was thinking I might do visit Sunday, but got it taken care of yesterday instead...maybe I'll go down Sunday anyways...but I can now consider some of the other things I can be doing on Sunday. I am not going to the pyro workshop, I have considered a discussion group and an invitation to shoot pool, and I'm a pretty solid "yes" on an invite for a photo shoot at the club.
Meanwhile I ordered some stuff that was supposed to be here by now, and it isn't and I'm a bit annoyed about that. But I guess I'll live.
I went to see Ninja last night. Picked him up and took him and Q to Sonic. Ninja had not been eating that much, he had no lunch money (so I gave him some) and he had eaten dinner at the house but was still hungry, so I bought him another meal and he ate that, too. I told him to please get in touch with me if he needs anything, and not just try to get by without it. Especially if it's something important, like food.
I then talked to him about his grades. My position is that I am not sure that with only a couple of months left, he can really pull one particular important class out of failing state, and he needs that class to graduate. He said he was confident that he could and had spoken to his teacher, and they had a plan and were working together on it and it would be fine.
I want to believe him, but the kid has gotten pretty good at saying what people want to hear, with tones of absolute truth and confidence, so I am not holding my breath. But I also gave him a deadline to get ready for his written test for his driving learner's permit, since he's made no progress on that, either, I told him to be ready in one week, and how to go about studying for it. I will follow up and bug him.
I made sure to repeat that his parents had not abandoned him, and I was just up the road, anytime he needs anything, I was only a text away. Asked to make sure his phone is working.
I was thinking I might do visit Sunday, but got it taken care of yesterday instead...maybe I'll go down Sunday anyways...but I can now consider some of the other things I can be doing on Sunday. I am not going to the pyro workshop, I have considered a discussion group and an invitation to shoot pool, and I'm a pretty solid "yes" on an invite for a photo shoot at the club.
Meanwhile I ordered some stuff that was supposed to be here by now, and it isn't and I'm a bit annoyed about that. But I guess I'll live.
Spork
Active member
Big weekend stuff happened!! I combined stuff for Zen's Birthday which was yesterday, and Valentine's Day, into a big long love weekend thing. I took off Friday, and Monday.
Friday we watched "Live, Die, Repeat" while I made a cake, and we had cake and then took off to my big surprise. I had been pretty cryptic about what we were doing. I had booked us a room at Rockledge, which is one of three properties that sit near one another and are run as...well, they have BEEN operating as B&B establishments for a long time. But they were bought and are now going by the name "Sun Mountain Shala" and the lady says they want to run it as a yoga retreat or something. Regardless, they have not been promoting it well or really selling it as a B&B, though you CAN still book a room. We got up there and checked in and I noticed how quiet it was, and I asked, "Are we the only guests tonight?" and was told that yes, and that there wouldn't be any staff on site either, and we'd be on our own in the house. (!!) Zen asked if we could explore, and she said, any room with an open door, we were welcome to check out.
We had the run of the place, in this 100 year old mansion, they left us unsupervised. There was a huge hot tub out on the terrace, overlooking the mountains, and our bathroom was huge and had heated floor tiles, a bidet, and a big jetted tub with (slightly tacky, but still kind of cool) brass (I think?) fixtures, like a big swan for the faucet. Mirrors everywhere.
We were in lots of places, took a bunch of pictures, had generally a fantastic time. Had some impact play in a room that was not our room. I wandered around with no clothes on. It was just generally a lot of fun.
We still struggle to get decent sleep together in the same bed. Both of the nights we spent together, we didn't get a real solid night's sleep and wound up wanting (and having) a lovely nap later in the afternoon.
Saturday, after we had our organic hippie breakfast at the B&B and enjoyed a nice long bath in the big tub together, we headed out. I got a call from Fire. I'd agreed to do a photo shoot thing, and she was at the thrift store with the other ladies who were doing this, and found some old fashioned lingerie she wanted me to stop and try on. Well, we just so happened to be driving right past there at that very moment, so I was able to very easily pop in and get the stuff and pop out. Zen and I went back to his place and napped, then we had dinner with his friend, and then went to a play party at Voodoo.
In retrospect, I feel like I could have made a production of it being his birthday, at the party at Voodoo...brought cake and ice cream or something. But I'd already made him cake, and I don't necessarily feel it's a good idea to bury him in sweets. I know he tries, more or less, in normal life, to moderate his consumption of things that are not good for him. And frankly I am not sure that Zen has a particular enjoyment of being the center of attention for an entire social gathering like that. He IS somewhat more introverted than I am. Perhaps it is just as well. Regardless, we enjoyed one another's company and did a fun impact scene. Got to use some of the new toys.
Sunday he had to work. I went to a discussion group, and then the photo shoot at Voodoo. The woman who runs the place wanted to do a sort of "reclaim thy mojo" shoot where she was all fierce and bitey and primal and Dominant. So she needed some uh..."victims?" Photo shoot stunt bottoms? She invited me and a few others. I think there were five of us, four women and a man, to be her prey. She locked us all in a cage, and poked us with impact toys, and chewed on us and we had fake blood but real biting. Well. She didn't bite me TOO hard. But anyways it was tremendous fun, and the pictures turned out really cool.
After that, when Zen was off work, I went to his place and spent the night, and then yesterday we spent almost the whole day in bed together. With the exception of brunch at our favorite brunch place, and another dinner with his friend (but this time also with his wife) we had a lovely relaxing day of mostly sex and snuggles and snoozing.
Such a good weekend. The scenery was cool, the events were fun, the food was great, but most of all, I was in the best possible company.
Today I have a ton of little life-things clamoring for my attention, and I am TIRED. But I'll cope. I have a doctor's appointment to "follow up" with regard to this thyroid stuff. Interestingly, I was feeling this "something in there" feeling, like I had rocks stuck in my throat, at the time that they diagnosed my problem. And I can recall having felt that way in the winter, for a time, the last two winter seasons at least. And now it's gone, that feeling. I wonder if thyroid nodules can come and go like that? Probably depends on what sort of a thing it was in the first place. I'd be pretty happy if I went in and they did more testing and they were like, "Whatever was going on is gone now, you look fine." That would be cool. I'm not holding my breath though.
Friday we watched "Live, Die, Repeat" while I made a cake, and we had cake and then took off to my big surprise. I had been pretty cryptic about what we were doing. I had booked us a room at Rockledge, which is one of three properties that sit near one another and are run as...well, they have BEEN operating as B&B establishments for a long time. But they were bought and are now going by the name "Sun Mountain Shala" and the lady says they want to run it as a yoga retreat or something. Regardless, they have not been promoting it well or really selling it as a B&B, though you CAN still book a room. We got up there and checked in and I noticed how quiet it was, and I asked, "Are we the only guests tonight?" and was told that yes, and that there wouldn't be any staff on site either, and we'd be on our own in the house. (!!) Zen asked if we could explore, and she said, any room with an open door, we were welcome to check out.
We had the run of the place, in this 100 year old mansion, they left us unsupervised. There was a huge hot tub out on the terrace, overlooking the mountains, and our bathroom was huge and had heated floor tiles, a bidet, and a big jetted tub with (slightly tacky, but still kind of cool) brass (I think?) fixtures, like a big swan for the faucet. Mirrors everywhere.
We were in lots of places, took a bunch of pictures, had generally a fantastic time. Had some impact play in a room that was not our room. I wandered around with no clothes on. It was just generally a lot of fun.
We still struggle to get decent sleep together in the same bed. Both of the nights we spent together, we didn't get a real solid night's sleep and wound up wanting (and having) a lovely nap later in the afternoon.
Saturday, after we had our organic hippie breakfast at the B&B and enjoyed a nice long bath in the big tub together, we headed out. I got a call from Fire. I'd agreed to do a photo shoot thing, and she was at the thrift store with the other ladies who were doing this, and found some old fashioned lingerie she wanted me to stop and try on. Well, we just so happened to be driving right past there at that very moment, so I was able to very easily pop in and get the stuff and pop out. Zen and I went back to his place and napped, then we had dinner with his friend, and then went to a play party at Voodoo.
In retrospect, I feel like I could have made a production of it being his birthday, at the party at Voodoo...brought cake and ice cream or something. But I'd already made him cake, and I don't necessarily feel it's a good idea to bury him in sweets. I know he tries, more or less, in normal life, to moderate his consumption of things that are not good for him. And frankly I am not sure that Zen has a particular enjoyment of being the center of attention for an entire social gathering like that. He IS somewhat more introverted than I am. Perhaps it is just as well. Regardless, we enjoyed one another's company and did a fun impact scene. Got to use some of the new toys.
Sunday he had to work. I went to a discussion group, and then the photo shoot at Voodoo. The woman who runs the place wanted to do a sort of "reclaim thy mojo" shoot where she was all fierce and bitey and primal and Dominant. So she needed some uh..."victims?" Photo shoot stunt bottoms? She invited me and a few others. I think there were five of us, four women and a man, to be her prey. She locked us all in a cage, and poked us with impact toys, and chewed on us and we had fake blood but real biting. Well. She didn't bite me TOO hard. But anyways it was tremendous fun, and the pictures turned out really cool.
After that, when Zen was off work, I went to his place and spent the night, and then yesterday we spent almost the whole day in bed together. With the exception of brunch at our favorite brunch place, and another dinner with his friend (but this time also with his wife) we had a lovely relaxing day of mostly sex and snuggles and snoozing.
Such a good weekend. The scenery was cool, the events were fun, the food was great, but most of all, I was in the best possible company.
Today I have a ton of little life-things clamoring for my attention, and I am TIRED. But I'll cope. I have a doctor's appointment to "follow up" with regard to this thyroid stuff. Interestingly, I was feeling this "something in there" feeling, like I had rocks stuck in my throat, at the time that they diagnosed my problem. And I can recall having felt that way in the winter, for a time, the last two winter seasons at least. And now it's gone, that feeling. I wonder if thyroid nodules can come and go like that? Probably depends on what sort of a thing it was in the first place. I'd be pretty happy if I went in and they did more testing and they were like, "Whatever was going on is gone now, you look fine." That would be cool. I'm not holding my breath though.
Spork
Active member
Oh, and I did a culinary experiment...
So there is a place that has this brown sugar baked bacon. And I thought well...I have a pound of bacon that I don't want to let it go bad and I have brown sugar and I can bake and...why not try to make this?
I thought I should perhaps melt down the brown sugar to a liquid goo first, that was a mistake. It turned into a sort of taffy like stuff, and was hard to pour on the bacon. But I made it work. I added honey, and some salt and pepper. And I baked it at 450 degrees in the bottom part of a broiler pan (deep enough to hold the grease, and sturdy enough for high temps.) I constantly watched it and frequently flipped the bacon and moved it around. I tried to keep it from burning.
Well, I think I maybe did overcook it just a bit, but it came out like BACON CANDY. Kind of crisp, very sweet. Only burned the ends a bit. Not too bad.
I was not sure if I loved it or hated it. I think now that I've eaten quite a lot I can say that I love it but only in tiny nibbles. It has an intense flavor, so I hit a point where I have to stop pretty quickly.
I have shared it with a number of coworkers today, and with the exception of one friend who also had difficulty deciding if he loved it or...not...and concluded it was "weird", everyone has been enthusiastic about it. One person said I should add red pepper flakes.
And I just had my doctor's appointment, and there is encouraging news! She said that the ultrasound of the thyroid nodule showed nothing that they consider a concern, and today she tried to feel it and she says she thinks it might have actually just gone away on its own, or shrunk, because she could definitely find it before but not today. And she ordered more blood work because she said that the tests before point towards "sub-clinical" hypothyroidism. Which is to say (just as we discussed here earlier) my TSH is high, but my other levels are not actually very low, not in a range of concern. She says that it should be monitored, because with my family history it is almost certain that eventually it will need to be addressed, probably just with medication.
Well I am surprised but not, really I was just curious. Because things I've seen online:
Weight: I am stable at 115-125 lbs and have been my whole adult life except when pregnant of course. I don't have to even try. My diet isn't especially healthy and I don't exercise, but my appetite is usually small.
That points to HYPER, but I am HYPO (if anything.)
My skin is combination oily/dry in spots, my hair tends to be dry but I have thick, course hair that's prone to that. I don't dye it or use heat on it, because it cannot handle that, never could.
Points to HYPO (I think maybe?) Or nothing.
Energy. I do have times of extreme fatigue, but they come and go.
Depression. Sometimes. Not consistent either.
Temperature... I am very intolerant of cold. My extremities get cold easily, and I hate being cold.
All points to hypo...but not extreme, I don't think.
But regardless though, the good news is that she isn't terribly excited about anything going on in my neck and isn't ordering any needles stuck into me (YAYYY!!!!!!!) and I'll follow up in a year for another ultrasound to just see if anything new is happening in there.
It's looking like I got off easy. Holy smokes! I'm so relieved!
Gonna go have another nibble of bacon in celebration. It's my small way of throwing myself a party. It will be my discreet cubicle party bacon.
So there is a place that has this brown sugar baked bacon. And I thought well...I have a pound of bacon that I don't want to let it go bad and I have brown sugar and I can bake and...why not try to make this?
I thought I should perhaps melt down the brown sugar to a liquid goo first, that was a mistake. It turned into a sort of taffy like stuff, and was hard to pour on the bacon. But I made it work. I added honey, and some salt and pepper. And I baked it at 450 degrees in the bottom part of a broiler pan (deep enough to hold the grease, and sturdy enough for high temps.) I constantly watched it and frequently flipped the bacon and moved it around. I tried to keep it from burning.
Well, I think I maybe did overcook it just a bit, but it came out like BACON CANDY. Kind of crisp, very sweet. Only burned the ends a bit. Not too bad.
I was not sure if I loved it or hated it. I think now that I've eaten quite a lot I can say that I love it but only in tiny nibbles. It has an intense flavor, so I hit a point where I have to stop pretty quickly.
I have shared it with a number of coworkers today, and with the exception of one friend who also had difficulty deciding if he loved it or...not...and concluded it was "weird", everyone has been enthusiastic about it. One person said I should add red pepper flakes.
And I just had my doctor's appointment, and there is encouraging news! She said that the ultrasound of the thyroid nodule showed nothing that they consider a concern, and today she tried to feel it and she says she thinks it might have actually just gone away on its own, or shrunk, because she could definitely find it before but not today. And she ordered more blood work because she said that the tests before point towards "sub-clinical" hypothyroidism. Which is to say (just as we discussed here earlier) my TSH is high, but my other levels are not actually very low, not in a range of concern. She says that it should be monitored, because with my family history it is almost certain that eventually it will need to be addressed, probably just with medication.
Well I am surprised but not, really I was just curious. Because things I've seen online:
Weight: I am stable at 115-125 lbs and have been my whole adult life except when pregnant of course. I don't have to even try. My diet isn't especially healthy and I don't exercise, but my appetite is usually small.
That points to HYPER, but I am HYPO (if anything.)
My skin is combination oily/dry in spots, my hair tends to be dry but I have thick, course hair that's prone to that. I don't dye it or use heat on it, because it cannot handle that, never could.
Points to HYPO (I think maybe?) Or nothing.
Energy. I do have times of extreme fatigue, but they come and go.
Depression. Sometimes. Not consistent either.
Temperature... I am very intolerant of cold. My extremities get cold easily, and I hate being cold.
All points to hypo...but not extreme, I don't think.
But regardless though, the good news is that she isn't terribly excited about anything going on in my neck and isn't ordering any needles stuck into me (YAYYY!!!!!!!) and I'll follow up in a year for another ultrasound to just see if anything new is happening in there.
It's looking like I got off easy. Holy smokes! I'm so relieved!
Gonna go have another nibble of bacon in celebration. It's my small way of throwing myself a party. It will be my discreet cubicle party bacon.
Spork
Active member
Here are some pics of the place, on various sites.
http://www.bestromanticinns.com/Rockledge-Country-Inn/rockledge_country_inn_colorado.htm
https://www.innshopper.com/gallery.aspx?ListingID=2772&showbig=2772_8762.jpg
http://sunmountain.holarchy.us/rockledge/
(gallery towards bottom of page)
(Image 4/6 was the very bathtub that Zen and I enjoyed Saturday morning!)
http://www.bestromanticinns.com/Rockledge-Country-Inn/rockledge_country_inn_colorado.htm
https://www.innshopper.com/gallery.aspx?ListingID=2772&showbig=2772_8762.jpg
http://sunmountain.holarchy.us/rockledge/
(gallery towards bottom of page)
(Image 4/6 was the very bathtub that Zen and I enjoyed Saturday morning!)
Spork
Active member
Not a lot to write about today really, or maybe just not a lot that I WANT to write about.
Had to talk to Old Wolf earlier, because of our son's grades and because of a bit of bank business, I've received my letter and I am officially OFF the mortgage. The assumption went through. No more mortgage liability for me.
Ended up mad, getting into a bit of back and forth about the ending of the marriage, which was stupid and unnecessary. I went back to my desk and wrote a long email that I won't send him. That's the thing, there is SO MUCH that swirls around in my brain that I would like to say to him but there is NO point. He won't ever see my perspective. It will never matter how eloquent I am, how many ways I find to express myself, how many clever metaphors I spin up. He is absolutely in his own bubble and he can't see outside of it, or lacks the imagination to contemplate the view from another bubble. And that's just how it is.
So the words go unspoken.
Maybe one day I'll send one of those emails. In my saved drafts folder, there are so many, going back years. All the unsaid things.
Maybe one day I'll print them off and bind them up into a book and mail it to him.
Or maybe I'll forget all of them and one day I won't have that email account anymore and all of the unsaid words will just vanish into the ether. I wonder if there are parallel universes for each of those messages, where it was sent instead of not sent.
He has his first job interview today. He is living in the basement of Song's house, the one she shares with her boyfriend of over 20 years. He is making friends with her cats. Trying to sell the RV. Trying to "start his life over."
He says that he knows what I say about him. He says that he hears what I tell the kink scene people about him. I don't know through what channels he gets those messages, but you know...I don't care. Anything that I've said about him, is something I would say TO him, and the only reason that I haven't in some instances, has been this overwhelming sense of futility. I don't mind him finding out how I really feel or what I really think. Not one little bit. It's just I figure if I spoke the words right to him, he wouldn't listen, because he tends not to, I've sort of gotten used to that.
I'm sure that Song sees his misery, and believes that I was its architect. She doesn't have any way to see, all those years ago when I would have done anything to get him to have faith in happiness. When I explained, that without faith that life would get better, without some basic optimism...how could you claim to love your family, what were we even working for? Wasn't that the whole point of living? To make things as happy for ourselves and our children, our FAMILY, as we could?
And he explained to me that no, the value of a life was in what it was traded for. That he would give anything to die with honor. And that if he could only do that, he cared not one bit if he or anyone was ever happy. Happiness was an impossible illusion, he said. I don't know how a person, especially one who wanted to be a father, can look at his children and feel that way.
So. Song will blame me. But he has never even believed in happiness, not really, his misery cannot be laid at my doorstep. He'll let her think it. Maybe eventually she will learn.
I don't think I'll ever send that email.
I had lunch with Zen today. And I am glad. Between the frustration of dealing with my ex, the worry I have about the fate of my older son, who is still struggling in school, and some bad family news making me so sad for Fire and Hefe lately (a relative of his, in hospital)... Well, the wheel of fortune turns. But it was comforting to hold those hands and look into those eyes.
It's been a mixed bag...good news, bad news, got a lot accomplished, still worried about all the stuff ahead... But I do not stop being grateful and happy about Zen.
Had to talk to Old Wolf earlier, because of our son's grades and because of a bit of bank business, I've received my letter and I am officially OFF the mortgage. The assumption went through. No more mortgage liability for me.
Ended up mad, getting into a bit of back and forth about the ending of the marriage, which was stupid and unnecessary. I went back to my desk and wrote a long email that I won't send him. That's the thing, there is SO MUCH that swirls around in my brain that I would like to say to him but there is NO point. He won't ever see my perspective. It will never matter how eloquent I am, how many ways I find to express myself, how many clever metaphors I spin up. He is absolutely in his own bubble and he can't see outside of it, or lacks the imagination to contemplate the view from another bubble. And that's just how it is.
So the words go unspoken.
Maybe one day I'll send one of those emails. In my saved drafts folder, there are so many, going back years. All the unsaid things.
Maybe one day I'll print them off and bind them up into a book and mail it to him.
Or maybe I'll forget all of them and one day I won't have that email account anymore and all of the unsaid words will just vanish into the ether. I wonder if there are parallel universes for each of those messages, where it was sent instead of not sent.
He has his first job interview today. He is living in the basement of Song's house, the one she shares with her boyfriend of over 20 years. He is making friends with her cats. Trying to sell the RV. Trying to "start his life over."
He says that he knows what I say about him. He says that he hears what I tell the kink scene people about him. I don't know through what channels he gets those messages, but you know...I don't care. Anything that I've said about him, is something I would say TO him, and the only reason that I haven't in some instances, has been this overwhelming sense of futility. I don't mind him finding out how I really feel or what I really think. Not one little bit. It's just I figure if I spoke the words right to him, he wouldn't listen, because he tends not to, I've sort of gotten used to that.
I'm sure that Song sees his misery, and believes that I was its architect. She doesn't have any way to see, all those years ago when I would have done anything to get him to have faith in happiness. When I explained, that without faith that life would get better, without some basic optimism...how could you claim to love your family, what were we even working for? Wasn't that the whole point of living? To make things as happy for ourselves and our children, our FAMILY, as we could?
And he explained to me that no, the value of a life was in what it was traded for. That he would give anything to die with honor. And that if he could only do that, he cared not one bit if he or anyone was ever happy. Happiness was an impossible illusion, he said. I don't know how a person, especially one who wanted to be a father, can look at his children and feel that way.
So. Song will blame me. But he has never even believed in happiness, not really, his misery cannot be laid at my doorstep. He'll let her think it. Maybe eventually she will learn.
I don't think I'll ever send that email.
I had lunch with Zen today. And I am glad. Between the frustration of dealing with my ex, the worry I have about the fate of my older son, who is still struggling in school, and some bad family news making me so sad for Fire and Hefe lately (a relative of his, in hospital)... Well, the wheel of fortune turns. But it was comforting to hold those hands and look into those eyes.
It's been a mixed bag...good news, bad news, got a lot accomplished, still worried about all the stuff ahead... But I do not stop being grateful and happy about Zen.
Spork
Active member
So today I'm hearing about how they discovered seven planets that may support life. My first thought is, this discovery, during the time of Trump...like seriously what if we got the intro to the intergalactic community at this point in America's (and the Earth's) political history?
My snark brain immediately responded: "Fuck. We're gonna have to build another wall, aren't we?"
I had no serious plans yesterday after work and that was nice. I went home and took a nap. Got up and read a book, and watched a little TV (which is pretty rare for me) and wrote some stuff to Zen before going back to bed later on. In other words I did relaxey at home stuff like normal people. CRAZY!
Hefe's family member who was in the hospital passed yesterday, and I'm very sad for them. I often feel a bit awkward in situations like that. I want to DO SOMETHING loving and supportive, but I'm never sure what. "Sending prayers" always seems kind of bullshit, especially when we're all more or less atheists. And of course that basic fact makes all of the "he's in a better place now" platitudes somewhat meaningless, too. True he was hurting, and now he is not. I should clear a bit of time and space soon to go be generally snuggly and absorbent, if they want. I love them and I am sorry that they are sad and have lost a loved one.
And on the opposite end of the human experience spectrum, my little brother has just announced that his wife is pregnant with their second baby. Their first, little Hattie, is nearly a year old. So their children (at least the first two) will be close together. I wonder how many they will end up having. They are the sort of people I could easily imagine having lots of kids. Both are teachers of one sort or another, and they like kids.
And speaking of kids, mine (Q, anyhow) is sick with a cold. He did not ask to stay home, but he sounded pretty rough, and I told him since his grades are good, and they did not slip the last time he stayed home sick, I am willing to let him stay home today without a fuss, but I expect him to get online and find his work like he did last time, and not fall behind. I'm glad that one of my sons is doing pretty well in school, though Ninja is struggling now. Man, I really hope we can get him pulled out of the fire and able to graduate. He's got one class that I wish he could just drop in favor of a study hall, "Singles Living." I mean, there is stuff there that could benefit him to learn, I'm sure, but he's failing it and it's not necessary, it's a surplus class to what he needs. I don't even care if he fails it. I want him to pass his American Government and his two Lit/Comp classes that he's struggling to stay above water with, those he actually needs to get his diploma.
Zen asked me yesterday, if my doctor thought I needed to change my diet. She knows how I eat, we've talked about it. She said that no, as far as she could tell I am doing just fine. My BMI is healthy, my cholesterol and blood pressure are excellent, I'm in overall fantastic health, except for the need we have to watch this thyroid business. And diet doesn't have much to do with that unless it's causing weight gain or diabetes risk, which mine apparently is not. This issue is not caused by diet, or exacerbated by it, it's entirely hereditary. And under the circumstances, given that I should be gaining weight out of control if I'm hypothyroid supposedly, but I'm still small and everything... I think I am doing fine. She said if I hit a point where I am either struggling with serious depression, or I am severely exhausted, like just feel like I can barely move, dog-tired, then to come back in because those are the most likely symptoms I would experience to signal a need to start medicating for this.
I am very glad it's not hyperthyroid though. The risk of heart attack scared me.
I am feeling a strong desire to get cracking on an art project. And that is good, because there is that art show at StarFest that I could contribute to, if I manage to make something cool in time for it. I'm thinking a multimedia sculpture accented wall piece, like a painting but with some raised 3-D elements to it, perhaps, or maybe one of my customized frame jobs. Maybe a big piece, since Zen has brought me some rather large canvases to work with... But I need to manage time and get it going. Maybe I will skip the discussion group tonight. I dunno.
My snark brain immediately responded: "Fuck. We're gonna have to build another wall, aren't we?"
I had no serious plans yesterday after work and that was nice. I went home and took a nap. Got up and read a book, and watched a little TV (which is pretty rare for me) and wrote some stuff to Zen before going back to bed later on. In other words I did relaxey at home stuff like normal people. CRAZY!
Hefe's family member who was in the hospital passed yesterday, and I'm very sad for them. I often feel a bit awkward in situations like that. I want to DO SOMETHING loving and supportive, but I'm never sure what. "Sending prayers" always seems kind of bullshit, especially when we're all more or less atheists. And of course that basic fact makes all of the "he's in a better place now" platitudes somewhat meaningless, too. True he was hurting, and now he is not. I should clear a bit of time and space soon to go be generally snuggly and absorbent, if they want. I love them and I am sorry that they are sad and have lost a loved one.
And on the opposite end of the human experience spectrum, my little brother has just announced that his wife is pregnant with their second baby. Their first, little Hattie, is nearly a year old. So their children (at least the first two) will be close together. I wonder how many they will end up having. They are the sort of people I could easily imagine having lots of kids. Both are teachers of one sort or another, and they like kids.
And speaking of kids, mine (Q, anyhow) is sick with a cold. He did not ask to stay home, but he sounded pretty rough, and I told him since his grades are good, and they did not slip the last time he stayed home sick, I am willing to let him stay home today without a fuss, but I expect him to get online and find his work like he did last time, and not fall behind. I'm glad that one of my sons is doing pretty well in school, though Ninja is struggling now. Man, I really hope we can get him pulled out of the fire and able to graduate. He's got one class that I wish he could just drop in favor of a study hall, "Singles Living." I mean, there is stuff there that could benefit him to learn, I'm sure, but he's failing it and it's not necessary, it's a surplus class to what he needs. I don't even care if he fails it. I want him to pass his American Government and his two Lit/Comp classes that he's struggling to stay above water with, those he actually needs to get his diploma.
Zen asked me yesterday, if my doctor thought I needed to change my diet. She knows how I eat, we've talked about it. She said that no, as far as she could tell I am doing just fine. My BMI is healthy, my cholesterol and blood pressure are excellent, I'm in overall fantastic health, except for the need we have to watch this thyroid business. And diet doesn't have much to do with that unless it's causing weight gain or diabetes risk, which mine apparently is not. This issue is not caused by diet, or exacerbated by it, it's entirely hereditary. And under the circumstances, given that I should be gaining weight out of control if I'm hypothyroid supposedly, but I'm still small and everything... I think I am doing fine. She said if I hit a point where I am either struggling with serious depression, or I am severely exhausted, like just feel like I can barely move, dog-tired, then to come back in because those are the most likely symptoms I would experience to signal a need to start medicating for this.
I am very glad it's not hyperthyroid though. The risk of heart attack scared me.
I am feeling a strong desire to get cracking on an art project. And that is good, because there is that art show at StarFest that I could contribute to, if I manage to make something cool in time for it. I'm thinking a multimedia sculpture accented wall piece, like a painting but with some raised 3-D elements to it, perhaps, or maybe one of my customized frame jobs. Maybe a big piece, since Zen has brought me some rather large canvases to work with... But I need to manage time and get it going. Maybe I will skip the discussion group tonight. I dunno.
Spork
Active member
Well...shit.
I got upset because Ninja plans ("plans") to go to school in Tulsa in July, and since I have backed off, told that other people have "got this" and stopping being involved, Ninja has only shown a complete failure to keep his grades passing, to learn to drive, to really accomplish much. So I'm getting involved, because the hour is late and the kiddo needs...well, clearly, something. Encouragement? Motivation? Freedom from distractions? Parenting? Something.
I also am really concerned, because all I've heard about Tulsa is that Ninja is talking to a college recruiter, they've got all the ducks in a row (but this guy operates like a commissioned salesman, which he might be, so...) and Old Wolf said he'd put the kid on a Greyhound bus and send him out there.
It's a vocational school. Which I am assuming means no dorms, I mean...what vocational school has dorms?...and I have heard nothing at all about where Ninja is supposed to live, like what is he gonna step off the bus and just...be in Tulsa? No transportation, no home, no job, no clue? What?
I'm not getting that there is a good plan in place or anyone helping him. And the kid is kind of oblivious, I mean, he's a teenager and he acts like it.
So I am willing to do research, legwork, take time off work, drive him to Tulsa, get a room, help him apartment search and apply, and basically try to get him set. That I can do. What I cannot do, is provide money to get there and back, to get a motel room, to pay first month's and deposit on an apartment, or provide initial funds to get him by for a bit until he can find a job or get his GI Bill money (transferred from his Dad's service) coming...like he needs a financial boost at that point, in addition to some logistical help.
So I did what was probably stupid, and I reached out to Old Wolf, making the case that I don't feel this is being adequately prepared for, and I can help with the time if he can help with the money.
And of course he threw an absolute conniption fit over how his military service has given our kids 18 months of free college each and that should be enough, and he shouldn't have to pay anything, and he doesn't even have a job up there in Oregon yet...etc. Basically he's not wanting to be responsible to help for this. And he blames Ninja for not having got a job months ago, and saving up for his own future and doing his own planning and all.
And I said FINE, well if he can't go to Tulsa, he might just end up living with me, will you cover part of his support then??
He said that only if Ninja will get into community college and then his living stipend can go into a joint account, and then his dad will take that money and "save it" for when the GI Bill runs out, and he also has to get a job, and Wolf will give him $300 a month, but expects to have management of his income. That would give him an incentive to move out and manage his own life. So basically he'll help...by taking all of the kid's money and supposedly helping him save with it. But Old Wolf's history is one of borrowing money from family and friends and not necessarily paying it back, he's all promises and no deliver. And he's never saved money for anything that I've ever known of. So....yeah, I wouldn't trust him with this. He would absolutely use Ninja's money for his own stuff and then promise to pay it back but not do so.
This was his way of convincing me to not ask for support, though. "I'll give $300/month but only if the kid gives me all of his income to hold on to." He knows that won't fly. He just wants me to give up and release him from all responsibility and obligation. Which...I would love to. But I worry about being able to get the bankruptcy paid for, get deposits on the house for my move, and get Ninja started, and...all the stuff...on my own. And furthermore, Wolf was supposed to contribute SOMETHING and I hate the feeling that I'm just taking a financial beating here and he's getting off the hook. It pisses me off.
Oh but if we don't like these options, then Ninja can come share a bedroom in Song's house with his dad, or he could always enlist in the military. That's what Old Wolf keeps falling back to, "I shouldn't have to help because the kid can always enlist in the military." Or "If I have to help, I'm gonna call recruiters to come talk to the boy."
I swear, and he's got a way of ranting, raving, and running little circles around every bush and tree in the conversational forest, until you thoroughly and completely regret ever asking him for anything. I should just go to court and get a support order. He wouldn't pay it voluntarily, but at least I'd get his tax refunds and they'd garnish his pay. The other thing that is frustrating as hell is that we can't seem to have a conversation about the needs of the kids without dragging a bunch of post-mortem forensics about the marriage into it, and I am SO DAMN TIRED of talking about our failed relationship. It's over, for heavens sakes.
But the problem, I think, is that we both carry a lot of stuff that we want to say to each other...I think he is just now allowing himself to examine some of it, and I feel like either I've said it before and he hasn't heard me, or there's just no point in trying, so I don't want to bother. But there's all that unresolved, and unspoken shit. And sometimes it threatens to burst our respective dams when we're trying to deal with other stuff.
So...communication is hard. And exhausting.
And I spent my lunch break out in my van dealing with this and I haven't eaten today and that sucks. So glad that eventually...later on tonight...if the snow does not interfere...I will get some time with Zen. Man do I ever need some Zen in my life today, physically and metaphorically speaking.
Gonna go eat some crackers. And stop replying to my damn ex.
I got upset because Ninja plans ("plans") to go to school in Tulsa in July, and since I have backed off, told that other people have "got this" and stopping being involved, Ninja has only shown a complete failure to keep his grades passing, to learn to drive, to really accomplish much. So I'm getting involved, because the hour is late and the kiddo needs...well, clearly, something. Encouragement? Motivation? Freedom from distractions? Parenting? Something.
I also am really concerned, because all I've heard about Tulsa is that Ninja is talking to a college recruiter, they've got all the ducks in a row (but this guy operates like a commissioned salesman, which he might be, so...) and Old Wolf said he'd put the kid on a Greyhound bus and send him out there.
It's a vocational school. Which I am assuming means no dorms, I mean...what vocational school has dorms?...and I have heard nothing at all about where Ninja is supposed to live, like what is he gonna step off the bus and just...be in Tulsa? No transportation, no home, no job, no clue? What?
I'm not getting that there is a good plan in place or anyone helping him. And the kid is kind of oblivious, I mean, he's a teenager and he acts like it.
So I am willing to do research, legwork, take time off work, drive him to Tulsa, get a room, help him apartment search and apply, and basically try to get him set. That I can do. What I cannot do, is provide money to get there and back, to get a motel room, to pay first month's and deposit on an apartment, or provide initial funds to get him by for a bit until he can find a job or get his GI Bill money (transferred from his Dad's service) coming...like he needs a financial boost at that point, in addition to some logistical help.
So I did what was probably stupid, and I reached out to Old Wolf, making the case that I don't feel this is being adequately prepared for, and I can help with the time if he can help with the money.
And of course he threw an absolute conniption fit over how his military service has given our kids 18 months of free college each and that should be enough, and he shouldn't have to pay anything, and he doesn't even have a job up there in Oregon yet...etc. Basically he's not wanting to be responsible to help for this. And he blames Ninja for not having got a job months ago, and saving up for his own future and doing his own planning and all.
And I said FINE, well if he can't go to Tulsa, he might just end up living with me, will you cover part of his support then??
He said that only if Ninja will get into community college and then his living stipend can go into a joint account, and then his dad will take that money and "save it" for when the GI Bill runs out, and he also has to get a job, and Wolf will give him $300 a month, but expects to have management of his income. That would give him an incentive to move out and manage his own life. So basically he'll help...by taking all of the kid's money and supposedly helping him save with it. But Old Wolf's history is one of borrowing money from family and friends and not necessarily paying it back, he's all promises and no deliver. And he's never saved money for anything that I've ever known of. So....yeah, I wouldn't trust him with this. He would absolutely use Ninja's money for his own stuff and then promise to pay it back but not do so.
This was his way of convincing me to not ask for support, though. "I'll give $300/month but only if the kid gives me all of his income to hold on to." He knows that won't fly. He just wants me to give up and release him from all responsibility and obligation. Which...I would love to. But I worry about being able to get the bankruptcy paid for, get deposits on the house for my move, and get Ninja started, and...all the stuff...on my own. And furthermore, Wolf was supposed to contribute SOMETHING and I hate the feeling that I'm just taking a financial beating here and he's getting off the hook. It pisses me off.
Oh but if we don't like these options, then Ninja can come share a bedroom in Song's house with his dad, or he could always enlist in the military. That's what Old Wolf keeps falling back to, "I shouldn't have to help because the kid can always enlist in the military." Or "If I have to help, I'm gonna call recruiters to come talk to the boy."
I swear, and he's got a way of ranting, raving, and running little circles around every bush and tree in the conversational forest, until you thoroughly and completely regret ever asking him for anything. I should just go to court and get a support order. He wouldn't pay it voluntarily, but at least I'd get his tax refunds and they'd garnish his pay. The other thing that is frustrating as hell is that we can't seem to have a conversation about the needs of the kids without dragging a bunch of post-mortem forensics about the marriage into it, and I am SO DAMN TIRED of talking about our failed relationship. It's over, for heavens sakes.
But the problem, I think, is that we both carry a lot of stuff that we want to say to each other...I think he is just now allowing himself to examine some of it, and I feel like either I've said it before and he hasn't heard me, or there's just no point in trying, so I don't want to bother. But there's all that unresolved, and unspoken shit. And sometimes it threatens to burst our respective dams when we're trying to deal with other stuff.
So...communication is hard. And exhausting.
And I spent my lunch break out in my van dealing with this and I haven't eaten today and that sucks. So glad that eventually...later on tonight...if the snow does not interfere...I will get some time with Zen. Man do I ever need some Zen in my life today, physically and metaphorically speaking.
Gonna go eat some crackers. And stop replying to my damn ex.