When a man in a open marriage sees other women besides you and his primary partner.

S

SaintPeter87

New member
This has been a very confusing time for me.

I am new to this idea of open relationships.

I'm a single girl and met a man who told me that he is in an open
marriage.

I struggled with this fact for sometime but decided to try to be open-minded
enough to see how this could work. God knows I had enough dates were it turned out that the guy was engaged or married or with a girlfriend and basically using me to play the field! I thought at least this open marriage man was up-front and as he pointed out 'honest'.

Reality bites hard - and I don't know what I was thinking - but I asked him if he was seeing other girls besides me. And his answer was 'yes'.
The jealousy that overwhelmed me was frightening.... but how could I get so jealous .... I knew the guy had a wife so why was the knowledge that I wasn't the only girl he was dating so damn disturbing to me?

Thoughts arose in my mind that this man is using women, that he just took advantage of what he could find and all he could get, and even the thought of - if he had me why would he need another.


I hope that some kind people here won't judge me but help me through a really bad time.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

The jealousy that overwhelmed me was frightening.... but how could I get so jealous .... I knew the guy had a wife so why was the knowledge that I wasn't the only girl he was dating so damn disturbing to me?
Click to expand...


Because agreeing to be in a 3 people network is one thing. Finding out that there's more people in the network is another.

Love might be infinite but time, money and other resources for dating are not. Maybe you are concerned he's spreading himself too thin.

Are you getting what you need out of this relationship?

Galagirl
 
Hi SaintPeter87,

I am thinking that you're mostly monogamous by nature. The thought of your man already having a wife was a hard pill to swallow. Then on top of that he's got at least one girlfriend other than you, and that's overwhelming. I don't think you'll be able to be happy with this man, but I could be wrong.

Just my initial impressions ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello there. I'm sorry that you are going through a difficult time.

I believe you have to see this as an opportunity to think, defy and redefine what you think about romantic relationships. Is monogamy important to you? If so, why? Do you think is possible to care and have a romantic connection with more than one person at the same time? Do you prefer that sexual relationships are exclusive? Why? Really go deep within yourself and get some self-knowledge.

Is understandable that you were surprised to know that he is also seeing other people, because you thought it was just you and the wife. Now, I think perhaps the reason that it caused so much jealousy is because you might have defined yourself as "the new woman" versus the already set marriage. And knowing there's more "new women" made you feel threatened. I'm sorry that is confusing and painful, but think of it as an opportunity to see what is your connection really about, not just that you are "new" but what else? what is that you give him? and also as important what is that he gives you? Try to think about this in absolute terms, not "in comparison" to the wife or to the others... what is your relationship with him about? what is your connection like?

You need to think what do you want from a relationship. What do you want the communication between you two to be like? Do you want him to tell you when he meets someone new? Do you prefer that he doesn't mention anything about other people and just focus on you when you're together? There's lots of ways to be poly.

Also if you are exploring for the first time the idea of open relationships, if you're testing what you believe, what you think about monogamy, etc... why not really explore it for yourself? What do you think about keep seeing this person and start to see other guys too? I think you could learn a lot about yourself and about poly. If you try it, do it being honest with yourself and with the people you see.

Think about friendships. I'm sure you have more than one friend. And all your friends are different, they give you different things and you have different connections with them all.

Personally, the key to avoid jealousy for me is to accept the fact that I can't be EVERYTHING for one person. I'm a limited human being and I am not supposed to provide sole happiness for another person. So I'm glad that they have other connections and get interesting and good things from other people, I'm glad they are happier. This way of thinking is inclusive, not exclusive.

So embrace this experience to learn more about what you believe, what you want and what you need. You'll know yourself better after it.

Hugs!
 
I also think you are probably mostly monogamous. You are used to the thought that a married guy might have one person on the side. Knowing he has more than one makes you think there might be a competition. That's understandable.
 
Thank you and great advice

I really appreciate the answers I have received so quickly.

Also I am impressed by your compassion and interesting
questions. It gives me a lot to think about and somehow another perspective.

Great that people can reach out here to discuss difficult topics - some of which may be met with anything from horror to prejudice among everyday friends.

Much respect.
 
One more point of view: this man answered openly and honestly to your question. He is seeing other women, too, and he does not hide it. I would trust him more after this knowledge. But then, of course, I myself am not willing to be in any kind of closed relationship structure. I want the (even theoretical) freedom to see new people and want my partners to have that freedom, too.
 
Thanks I think ....

Nadya said:
One more point of view: this man answered openly and honestly to your question. He is seeing other women, too, and he does not hide it. I would trust him more after this knowledge. But then, of course, I myself am not willing to be in any kind of closed relationship structure. I want the (even theoretical) freedom to see new people and want my partners to have that freedom, too.
Click to expand...

I appreciate the first part of your answer. The rest - I found a bit uneccessary information. You are you and I am not you so I see it differently and I appreciate the empathy shown by others above.

Best wishes,
 
SaintPeter87 said:
I appreciate the first part of your answer. The rest - I found a bit uneccessary information. You are you and I am not you so I see it differently and I appreciate the empathy shown by others above.

Best wishes,
Click to expand...
You are right that you are you and everyone is free to have their own preferences. However, I don't think the description of how I work is unnecessary information in this case.

From your first post:
Thoughts arose in my mind that this man is using women, that he just took advantage of what he could find and all he could get, and even the thought of - if he had me why would he need another.
Click to expand...
These were your thoughts when you found out that he was also dating others. It is okay and normal to have these thoughts, definitely. I was trying to point out that there is a different way of thinking - and maybe your boyfriend thinks more like I do. That is why I offered you a different point of view. Not to diminish your emotions or thoughts but to widen your horizon.

The most important thing in open relationships is open communication and honesty. This man seems to behave ethically and thus seems like a reliable person - of course from this little that we know of him here. I absolutely don't think he is "using women", he just is non-monogamous at heart.
 
SaintPeter87 said:
This has been a very confusing time for me.

I am new to this idea of open relationships.

I'm a single girl and met a man who told me that he is in an open
marriage.
Click to expand...

Did you, at this time know that by open marriage, he didn't mean you were the only person he was with outside his marriage?

I struggled with this fact for sometime but decided to try to be open-minded
enough to see how this could work. God knows I had enough dates were it turned out that the guy was engaged or married or with a girlfriend and basically using me to play the field! I thought at least this open marriage man was up-front and as he pointed out 'honest'.
Click to expand...

But were you okay with your date having multiple partners at all - honestly or not?

Reality bites hard - and I don't know what I was thinking - but I asked him if he was seeing other girls besides me. And his answer was 'yes'.
Click to expand...

Sounds like from marriage as monogamy, you expected open marriage as monogamy other than wife :p

On the other hand, he doesn't seem to have helped you understand polyamory as he is practicing it (informed consent) if something like this blindsided you.

The jealousy that overwhelmed me was frightening.... but how could I get so jealous .... I knew the guy had a wife so why was the knowledge that I wasn't the only girl he was dating so damn disturbing to me?
Click to expand...

To me, that sounds like you didn't accept his being polyamorous so much as compromised with it. So the idea of more and more people to suck it up and shut up about threw you into panic. "At least honest" doesn't exactly sound like something you approve of. Merely that you appreciate that it won't hit you out of the blue later.

Thoughts arose in my mind that this man is using women, that he just took advantage of what he could find and all he could get, and even the thought of - if he had me why would he need another.
Click to expand...

He could be. Or he could just be dating women he is interested in - like you. Using women (or men) is hardly something that depends on the number of existing partners. You can be dead honest in all your relationships, or you could be using the one woman in your life. Or vice versa. If you perceive that he is using you, it may be useful to look at the behaviors that make you think like that. Dismissing it as your paranoid response to polyamory could actually make you dismiss some areas of concern. On the other hand, you could resolve your suspicion after seeing more of his behavior if he is genuinely into you.

[but don't decide on whether he is using you or not based on what polyamory should be - people are different. If you have a concern, it is your subconscious throwing up an alarm. Observe and conclude based on more information of his behavior as you see it.]

I hope that some kind people here won't judge me but help me through a really bad time.
Click to expand...

I am poly friendly but not actively polyamorous. I landed up because of trouble in a poly situation which resolved into monogamy in practice (though both of us don't believe in monogamy). I'm still here, simply because it is one of the most insightful places I've seen on human relationships overall. You'll find plenty of help here :)
 
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