Hannahfluke
Member
That's sure an interesting formula
It's a fairly common budgeting technique, I've read quite a few budgeting blogs about it. Normally though I think it's used more often for roommates than romantic partners.
The journey to myself
- Thread starter Tinwen
- Start date
It's a fairly common budgeting technique, I've read quite a few budgeting blogs about it. Normally though I think it's used more often for roommates than romantic partners.
I met a long-term male friend today. He's a mathematician living abroad and only comming to visit here every few months, but it seems he's comming home starting April I know he's submissive and we talk about relationship stuff (a futile search on his part, since he's quite shy, and besides he's had to move countries 2 times in the last three years).
It seems I really want that... more entwined... relationship since I started thinking how it would be like to be with him (hint: if you want to be careful, don't talk about sexuality with your male friends, intimacy follows). He seems accepting of polyamory in principle at least, which is so rare, although he doesn't have enough relationship experience to really tell. He's a scientist, we'd be understanding of each other carrier difficulties. He'd probably be into building a family. I even find him kind of physically attractive, although he lacks that "something".
But he's submissive. I have some dominant streak, but probably not enough, and I'd most probably miss passion on my part. Maybe I'd even struggle to keep respect, if he's too shy in the relationship. Have a partnership of reason and look forward to passion with someone else? as a first plan? I'm telling myself not to go crazy.
I know he's submissive and we talk about relationship stuff (a futile search on his part, since he's quite shy, and besides he's had to move countries 2 times in the last three years).It seems I really want that... more entwined... relationship since I started thinking how it would be like to be with him (hint: if you want to be careful, don't talk about sexuality with your male friends, intimacy follows). He seems accepting of polyamory in principle at least, which is so rare, although he doesn't have enough relationship experience to really tell. He's a scientist, we'd be understanding of each other carrier difficulties. He'd probably be into building a family. I even find him kind of physically attractive, although he lacks that "something".
But he's submissive. I have some dominant streak, but probably not enough, and I'd most probably miss passion on my part. Maybe I'd even struggle to keep respect, if he's too shy in the relationship. Have a partnership of reason and look forward to passion with someone else? as a first plan? I'm telling myself not to go crazy.
I had Idealist overnight yeasterday, and it was wonderful. I'm very much in love again It's so easy, especially with bdsm in the picture
We also got to continuing our discussion. There's no easy solution, but at least we got from the abstract to the concrete, which felt good.
I talked about my carrier outlook, so at least we got clear on that.
In 3-4 years I'm gonna be finishing my phd. I will be over 30 then. At that point there's this critical spot in a women's scientific carrier: the accademic environment expects you to get experience as a postdoc, likely more successive postdoc positions, which generally means moving countries two, three, several times until you're able to find a more stable job within your field (if you're able to at all), maybe even back in your homecountry. People, especially women, drop out of science, because it's not that easy to find jobs, to move with a partner, not that easy to "take a break" to have children and then get back into your field. I don't want to drop out of my field, since I don't see other options this meaningful workwise, but I don't think I want to put work before having a family.
So in 3-4 years I'm gonna either move abroad or have a child or both in some way /(time order). Or maybe I'll be fed up with science then
So what does that mean for partnership? I should probably stick to dating IT guys At least work wise, they should be able to move, since their language is international
Ok, half joke, but this is a thing to be considered early on. If I need to go abroad, will they consider it? (I know for sure at this point that a long distance relationship would be very hard on me.)
Also, an additional reason for not making compromises regarding a primary partner. A good partnership which can withstand such upheaval is much more practical here then an interdependent poly network, even a really good one. Idealist... was very generous in the discussion, but probably can't be going anywhere with me.
I still feel more optimistic now then in my previous posts. If I go date now, I know a little better why I'm doing it and what I'm searching for.
It's so easy, especially with bdsm in the picture We also got to continuing our discussion. There's no easy solution, but at least we got from the abstract to the concrete, which felt good.
I talked about my carrier outlook, so at least we got clear on that.
In 3-4 years I'm gonna be finishing my phd. I will be over 30 then. At that point there's this critical spot in a women's scientific carrier: the accademic environment expects you to get experience as a postdoc, likely more successive postdoc positions, which generally means moving countries two, three, several times until you're able to find a more stable job within your field (if you're able to at all), maybe even back in your homecountry. People, especially women, drop out of science, because it's not that easy to find jobs, to move with a partner, not that easy to "take a break" to have children and then get back into your field. I don't want to drop out of my field, since I don't see other options this meaningful workwise, but I don't think I want to put work before having a family.
So in 3-4 years I'm gonna either move abroad or have a child or both in some way /(time order). Or maybe I'll be fed up with science then
So what does that mean for partnership? I should probably stick to dating IT guys
At least work wise, they should be able to move, since their language is international Ok, half joke, but this is a thing to be considered early on. If I need to go abroad, will they consider it? (I know for sure at this point that a long distance relationship would be very hard on me.)
Also, an additional reason for not making compromises regarding a primary partner. A good partnership which can withstand such upheaval is much more practical here then an interdependent poly network, even a really good one. Idealist... was very generous in the discussion, but probably can't be going anywhere with me.
I still feel more optimistic now then in my previous posts. If I go date now, I know a little better why I'm doing it and what I'm searching for.
Quick bloggy entry in bullets.
1) We got to finish and play our music/theatre performance for a con last weekend. Kind of crazy project I joined of people who make very amateurish musicals inspired by JRR Tolkien. It's the group I'm in even with Meta.
We invited a few family members for the last practice, and I was very happy with that. Even my parents admitted that we are good (which is quite a bit of satisfaction after my mom said that she can't possibly stand the whole performance last year).
I wasn't overly happy with the actual performance at the con, since I was starting to get ill again (and I wasn't the only one). And I'm still ill. Crap.
2) "Selflessness" in friends sucks sometimes. I've previosly complained here about a dear friend who stopped communicating with me much. Well, she came to see the performance, which I was very happy about. But then she said that she only came because of us. I'm pretty sure she meant well, showing that she cares and I know she does - but this kind of ruined it for me. I want her to meet me to enjoy herself, otherwise anything we do is worthless.
3) I'm ill again. And doubting my career, as I feel pressure (mostly self-imposed, no doubt), and I wonder if I'm running into illness from it. I took the opportunity to buy a "life purpose" course, which really is about how to find a meaningful fulfilling occupation in life, and started watching the videos. He's recommending choosing one thing you're passionate about and which has a meaningful contribution to society, and study it until you're a world-class master. So it seems like physics would be a propper choice - with some clarification needed around the impact I can and want to make. I already put like half of the study time needed to become worldclass into it. I sure had passion around it once. I'm not sure it lasted though. The course also sais that enjoying the work/practice on a day to day basis is absolute necessity. I'm having greater and greater difficulties getting started on my work and immersing myself, especially with new (and hard) things I need to learn. I wonder if I can do something to start enjoy studying again, or if I'll have to switch to a different field eventually.
4) I'm not sure how to proceed to better my health. I've been nearly constantly ill for the last three months, constantly tired, missing work and life. There's certainly a cause for it, and part of it is my bad eating habits and little excercise. I should do a change right there, but I have a lot of resistance against it. Partly because I feel it's maybe not the root/only cause. I feel lacking in my attitude towards work, which adds so much unnecessary stress. I also think the resistance is pointing at some greater imbalance then failing to excercise properly. Also, it's a fucking tonsilitis 3-4 times a year for 10 years now (joined by some sever colds now), and that's absolutelly not normal. I'm surprised that the doctors are unable to give any recommendations apart from antibiotics. I wonder whom I should consult about these things, maybe some hollistic doctor or even healer, just someone with plenty of experience working with people, not diseases, could give me some guidance. (Ok, no kidding, I know I'll have to start excercising anyway.)
5) I missed a shibari workshop I wanted to attend wery much this weekend. Luckily Meta could go with Idealist for the most time, so the money was at least of some use and he was less disappointed. He talked me into comming at least for 2 hours (took me there and back by car), and I'm very glad I did. I enjoyed myself immensely. Maybe it wasn't good for my tonsilitis, but I'm sure it was very healing in other ways. I love this teacher (http://yoroishibari.net/). Besides extensive knowledge of the body and emotions, he's so ... human. Kind, always striving to be the best, and detached like a zen master at the same time. He must have plenty of meditative training from his martial arts studies. He appeared in my dream afterwards
6) Aaand, to make up somewhat, I'm going to shorter a workshop on sunday. Oh please let me be healthy! This time I'm the one tying someone up, I'll be working with a friend who's completelly new to this. I hope both to learn something, and give him the best first experience! Hope
1) We got to finish and play our music/theatre performance for a con last weekend. Kind of crazy project I joined of people who make very amateurish musicals inspired by JRR Tolkien. It's the group I'm in even with Meta.
We invited a few family members for the last practice, and I was very happy with that. Even my parents admitted that we are good (which is quite a bit of satisfaction after my mom said that she can't possibly stand the whole performance last year).
I wasn't overly happy with the actual performance at the con, since I was starting to get ill again (and I wasn't the only one). And I'm still ill. Crap.
2) "Selflessness" in friends sucks sometimes. I've previosly complained here about a dear friend who stopped communicating with me much. Well, she came to see the performance, which I was very happy about. But then she said that she only came because of us. I'm pretty sure she meant well, showing that she cares and I know she does - but this kind of ruined it for me. I want her to meet me to enjoy herself, otherwise anything we do is worthless.
3) I'm ill again. And doubting my career, as I feel pressure (mostly self-imposed, no doubt), and I wonder if I'm running into illness from it. I took the opportunity to buy a "life purpose" course, which really is about how to find a meaningful fulfilling occupation in life, and started watching the videos. He's recommending choosing one thing you're passionate about and which has a meaningful contribution to society, and study it until you're a world-class master. So it seems like physics would be a propper choice - with some clarification needed around the impact I can and want to make. I already put like half of the study time needed to become worldclass into it. I sure had passion around it once. I'm not sure it lasted though. The course also sais that enjoying the work/practice on a day to day basis is absolute necessity. I'm having greater and greater difficulties getting started on my work and immersing myself, especially with new (and hard) things I need to learn. I wonder if I can do something to start enjoy studying again, or if I'll have to switch to a different field eventually.
4) I'm not sure how to proceed to better my health. I've been nearly constantly ill for the last three months, constantly tired, missing work and life. There's certainly a cause for it, and part of it is my bad eating habits and little excercise. I should do a change right there, but I have a lot of resistance against it. Partly because I feel it's maybe not the root/only cause. I feel lacking in my attitude towards work, which adds so much unnecessary stress. I also think the resistance is pointing at some greater imbalance then failing to excercise properly. Also, it's a fucking tonsilitis 3-4 times a year for 10 years now (joined by some sever colds now), and that's absolutelly not normal. I'm surprised that the doctors are unable to give any recommendations apart from antibiotics. I wonder whom I should consult about these things, maybe some hollistic doctor or even healer, just someone with plenty of experience working with people, not diseases, could give me some guidance. (Ok, no kidding, I know I'll have to start excercising anyway.)
5) I missed a shibari workshop I wanted to attend wery much this weekend. Luckily Meta could go with Idealist for the most time, so the money was at least of some use and he was less disappointed. He talked me into comming at least for 2 hours (took me there and back by car), and I'm very glad I did. I enjoyed myself immensely. Maybe it wasn't good for my tonsilitis, but I'm sure it was very healing in other ways. I love this teacher (http://yoroishibari.net/). Besides extensive knowledge of the body and emotions, he's so ... human. Kind, always striving to be the best, and detached like a zen master at the same time. He must have plenty of meditative training from his martial arts studies. He appeared in my dream afterwards
6) Aaand, to make up somewhat, I'm going to shorter a workshop on sunday. Oh please let me be healthy! This time I'm the one tying someone up, I'll be working with a friend who's completelly new to this. I hope both to learn something, and give him the best first experience! Hope
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So, yai for guided self-exploration. I finished watching the concept section, and now I started the actual exercises. The first part concerns itself with values - which apparently aren't supposed to be things you kind of think important or noble or whatever, but those which bring you the most meaning and happiness. So contemplating my values has been rather fun and eye-opening. Not-that-surprisingly family and community dropped out of the top ten; however, compassion and intimacy insofar didn't. As for work-related values, most of what I thought were the values (and I would name the at the beginning of the process) like logic or structure didn't come anywhere near. Excellence/mastery had a shot, but it didn't feel as good after all. What remained, and I think is related to theoretical physics, was wisdom/thorough understanding, and beauty/elegance/simplicity. Oh well. Maybe I can work with that.
On other minor news, I got a spellcheck app into my browser at home
So you all will be suffering a little less while reading my posts.I'm seeking therapy for these things, the pressure I put on myself, the excess exam fear, my inability to concentrate properly at work, the lack of positive motivation to care for my health. Maybe there will be a free option, but I'm seriously considering paying for it. I've been offered a therapeutic group, but it's twice a week mid-afternoon (which would interfere with work very much), and it's a group. I've been to group therapy and it was beneficial, but I don't see it being very beneficial for these problems, as I need both work on some childhood issues and an action plan. So I'm seeking individual. I hope I'm doing the right thing.
PinkPig
Well-known member
If the fit is better and you're able to get more from it, then yes, you're absolutely doing the right thing! I'm paying out of network for my therapy. About $90 more/visit. It's a stretch for me...but it's well worth it. The cheaper alternatives just were not a good fit (personality wise, and style wise.) This therapist is turning out not to be as poly friendly as I'd hoped, but she fits in all other areas, and overall, I'm making much more progress with her than with my past therapists.
I know she had some influence in my breakup with Blue; however, I think our issues were more related to his desire for freedom...the freedom to connect with any person, at any time, in any manner, without consideration or discussion from his existing relationships. I really admire his ability to be that free! But, it's outside my comfort zone, by a long shot. Just an incompatibility in our styles. He's probably more suited to solo poly though he really wants a nesting partner so I"m not sure how that would work. But, that's his problem, not mine.
Can you do both the free group therapy and individual therapy? If so, you may see more benefits, quicker. I'm in a free support group for personal growth. It's the discussion in that group that helped me to identify the root cause of my procrastination (simplistically speaking, it's rooted in my perfectionism, which is rooted in my fear of failure, which circles back to my people pleasing and finally to my fear of abandonment.) Understanding those things about myself gave us a better place to start the paid therapy.
starlight1
Active member
Hey Tinwen,
Love reading the blog. I thought i'd just mention quickly you can get your tonsils removed. I used to get tonsillitis and also carry strep throat to others for many many years. I finally got them removed when I was 17 or so. It was the best decision ever. So there are better options than antibiotics, plus you run the risk of building up immunity to them using them so often. It won't remove getting the virus completely forever, but it'll be a lot less likely..and theres a teeny tiny small chance they can grow back .But mine haven't and I've never regretted getting them done.
As far as the career goes, you might just be experiencing burn out. Any possibility of taking a gap year before the phd? You could get a breather and then go forward with a refreshed sense of self before applying to different countries. Although I had a friend who is in science that we keep in touch and he moved all over the world. From Bahrain, to UK to Germany to Canada before finally settling in Austria. It's not easy but it can be done. There's also the option of freezing your eggs and coming back to mother hood later on, say 38/39 after you got established more
Love reading the blog. I thought i'd just mention quickly you can get your tonsils removed. I used to get tonsillitis and also carry strep throat to others for many many years. I finally got them removed when I was 17 or so. It was the best decision ever. So there are better options than antibiotics, plus you run the risk of building up immunity to them using them so often.
It won't remove getting the virus completely forever, but it'll be a lot less likely..and theres a teeny tiny small chance they can grow back .But mine haven't and I've never regretted getting them done.As far as the career goes, you might just be experiencing burn out. Any possibility of taking a gap year before the phd? You could get a breather and then go forward with a refreshed sense of self before applying to different countries. Although I had a friend who is in science that we keep in touch and he moved all over the world. From Bahrain, to UK to Germany to Canada before finally settling in Austria. It's not easy but it can be done. There's also the option of freezing your eggs and coming back to mother hood later on, say 38/39 after you got established more
Thank you for encouragement, PinkPig! Maybe investing the time and money into finding a good fit is worth it indeed. But even the cheapest paid therapy would be a significant investment - considering one visit a week it's nearly a fifth of my net income. As I still live in my parents' house and have some safety I could do it - some support in my development is worth very much to me at this point of time - but you can see how the math is scary.
I don't think I can do the group therapy without compromising work. They call it "evening group", but it's at 3pm, lol
I asked if they can offer me individual (hopefully we can find some time that doesn't collide with my rhythm so much), and I also wrote to my former therapist, so let me see what comes out of that. My experience with the group I was in (it was 7 weeks intensive, yes, I was that down, and luckily able to do it as a student) is, that it was great for gaining insight into different personalities, group dynamics, conflict resolution, how I function with people, etc.. I also have my now best friend from there
But it didn't help much with the specifics. It's true that there were a lot of people with serious depression or personality disorders, like the guy who didn't come out of his room for years. Honestly I don't want to repeat a group like this O But if your group is less "therapy" and more "growth", I'd like that Oh yeah, I think I might have something like that going on. I had a talk with Idealist which was worth $90/visit
It went down to (simplistically) how I try too hard, because I have this fear that I'm not "good enough" and I won't survive. So here's one of the starting points. Thanks!
I know, but I've heard it's no longer recommended by the doctors
My mum had them removed, and she sais now the illnesses descend deeper down her throat and you can't tell what it is. But maybe that's an excuse, it's fucking scary to think about removing them! Good to hear it has helped you. I've already started, I would have to drop the position I have here -- not sure I want to do that and what to do next. I will try to slow down and hopefully I can do a month off in the summer, or something like that. I do think an active break would be beneficial.
Whoa, thanks for making me aware. That sounds like a move one might want to consider before 30. It's not cheap and it feels scary and weird, but it's a real option.There's also the option of freezing your eggs and coming back to mother hood later on, say 38/39 after you got established more
starlight1
Active member
Nah the surgery is super simple, and it was on the day with gas that knocks you out. Then you drink liquids for a few days. In fact compared to my wisdom teeth it was super easy!
I haven't had any issues with it descending deeper, but good to know. Also if they aren't removed and they keep getting infected or swollen there's other complications too like not being able to breathe!
Also changing my diet helped immensely generally with getting any immune stuff, cutting out dairy and red meat in particular was hugely helpful.
Just giving you options!
Yeah and I never pre-planned all this stuff so I try to think, what would I have told myself then that I know now? LOL
I haven't had any issues with it descending deeper, but good to know. Also if they aren't removed and they keep getting infected or swollen there's other complications too like not being able to breathe!
Also changing my diet helped immensely generally with getting any immune stuff, cutting out dairy and red meat in particular was hugely helpful.
Just giving you options!
Yeah and I never pre-planned all this stuff so I try to think, what would I have told myself then that I know now? LOL
Getting my tonsils removed came with two full weeks of intense pain and then the following few years of getting bronchitis instead of tonsillitis.
Things have been better since then, I had kids and lifestyle changes like giving up work and getting more rest and eating more healthily eventually stopped the
Infections taking hold but I think that would have happened if I hadn't had them removed too.
Things have been better since then, I had kids and lifestyle changes like giving up work and getting more rest and eating more healthily eventually stopped the
Infections taking hold but I think that would have happened if I hadn't had them removed too.
Thanks again for your insights Starlight, and Confused. I am getting better, although slowly, I even went swimming after something like 4 months. My throat is still sore but not in the strep-way (I've been told to look into food allergies, but generally no one knows -- so I'll just stop to take the troat very seriously). I'm glad to hear you were both able to get rid of your infections, so hopefully I can follow your good example. Dietary change gets appealing in comparison to surgery
On the relationship front ---
Idealist has been super great lately, after having neglected me somewhat in autumn, he somehow got to terms with my problems, and he was at my place very regularly, always asking what I need. I also shared the "Life Purpose" course with him, and we both got excited about the concepts together. We're trying to put our puzzle pieces together, and I'm enjoying the process very much
We've been talking about what it means that I might want him to myself, and to my surprise, he does hold it as a possibility. I refuse to get my hopes up (ok, lie, they do get up no matter that I'm holding them down and that I'm not even sure it's a good idea to want him for myself), I know he's nowhere near a change and this is "just" first "exploration". And ... I would very much like to hold up some ethical standard, but it's pretty damn hard, and not even clear what it is.
When I first went into this relationship, I didn't expect it to last. I also had a clear resolution -- if I'd start to want him for myself, I would leave. Downside: obvious. I don't want to. Unrealistic?
I even have doubt about the "ethics" now. It's not just me who's formed a solid bond, it's him too. And their couple is not sacred. So I hurt me & him not to hurt her (which may fail spectacularly anyway).
So here I am, "exploring" if there's will and possibility to have Meta partly or wholly out of the picture behind her back which feels pretty shitty. What's the right thing to do?
Tell her that I'm having these thoughts? That could lead to premature escalation of the situation.
On the one hand there's nothing really to tell as no tangible decisions are being made as of now. We don't see the right direction. On the other hand...
Idealist has been super great lately, after having neglected me somewhat in autumn, he somehow got to terms with my problems, and he was at my place very regularly, always asking what I need. I also shared the "Life Purpose" course with him, and we both got excited about the concepts together. We're trying to put our puzzle pieces together, and I'm enjoying the process very much
We've been talking about what it means that I might want him to myself, and to my surprise, he does hold it as a possibility. I refuse to get my hopes up (ok, lie, they do get up no matter that I'm holding them down and that I'm not even sure it's a good idea to want him for myself), I know he's nowhere near a change and this is "just" first "exploration". And ... I would very much like to hold up some ethical standard, but it's pretty damn hard, and not even clear what it is.
When I first went into this relationship, I didn't expect it to last. I also had a clear resolution -- if I'd start to want him for myself, I would leave. Downside: obvious. I don't want to. Unrealistic?
I even have doubt about the "ethics" now. It's not just me who's formed a solid bond, it's him too. And their couple is not sacred. So I hurt me & him not to hurt her (which may fail spectacularly anyway).
So here I am, "exploring" if there's will and possibility to have Meta partly or wholly out of the picture behind her back which feels pretty shitty. What's the right thing to do?
Tell her that I'm having these thoughts? That could lead to premature escalation of the situation.
On the one hand there's nothing really to tell as no tangible decisions are being made as of now. We don't see the right direction. On the other hand...
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
So here I am, "exploring" if there's will and possibility to have Meta partly or wholly out of the picture behind her back which feels pretty shitty. What's the right thing to do?
Tell her that I'm having these thoughts? That could lead to premature escalation of the situation.
On the one hand there's nothing really to tell as no tangible decisions are being made as of now. We don't see the right direction. On the other hand...
If nothing else, I think it's good that you can be this honest with Idealist - and that he can be supportive and understanding!
I definitely would not say anything to Meta. If idealist wants to talk to her about how HE feels, I guess that's his choice. But "premature escalation" for sure. (I know that in her place, if my long term partner brought up the possibility of leaving me for another, I'd just save him the headache and end things immediately.)
But it's not *your* job to worry about her relationship with him. Your part is just to figure out what you want, what you need, what you are and aren't willing to do. How he handles that, and how it affects Meta, are his job.
You guys will figure it out. Even if you have no idea yet what the next steps will look like. Honesty is a great first step.
Thanks, Claire. It made me sight with relief to read it's not my job.
Actually it is my job to care about my own relationship with her, which I still consider one of respect, if not friendship. So the question is not who manages which relationship, but if there is a path of decency and integrity for me & her. I mean, it's not a burning question not letting me sleep, but I don't want to step too far away from living up to my moral standards. So this is the "wait, what exactly are you up to here, are you sure you're not gonna destroy the world by pressing this red button?" pause
To go ahead, follow urges and claim his relationships his responsibility, now that is the easy thing to do. Maybe I'm far in the murky waters of complicated real human interactions which no ethical codex can really capture, but I prefer to stop and look left and right first, although most likely it won't change much.
In the hypothetical "the other way round" situation -- I think I would prefer the hinge to tell me any serious doubts early on, so that we can take action. Certainly not the metamour.
Actually it is my job to care about my own relationship with her, which I still consider one of respect, if not friendship. So the question is not who manages which relationship, but if there is a path of decency and integrity for me & her. I mean, it's not a burning question not letting me sleep, but I don't want to step too far away from living up to my moral standards. So this is the "wait, what exactly are you up to here, are you sure you're not gonna destroy the world by pressing this red button?" pause
To go ahead, follow urges and claim his relationships his responsibility, now that is the easy thing to do. Maybe I'm far in the murky waters of complicated real human interactions which no ethical codex can really capture, but I prefer to stop and look left and right first, although most likely it won't change much.
In the hypothetical "the other way round" situation -- I think I would prefer the hinge to tell me any serious doubts early on, so that we can take action. Certainly not the metamour.
Keeping boundaries is so hard.
Idealist has this fucking "country" house about one hour's drive from the city. He's got a reconstruction going on there. Plans have to be made. Maintenance work has to be done.
I've told him countless times last year that although I'm not particularly thrilled about the property, I'm up to go there with him if he needs to, but my offer doesn't stand for three people visits. I told him countless times that spending time the three of us is stressful.
Of course, he's not thinking about any of it. Makes arrangements with Meta to go there both weekend days (fine, I'll miss you), then tries to convince me that I should go on Sunday, and when I inquire today what the final arrangement is he tells me that I'm of course free to go along. (It was slightly more complicated.) Dude, the last time I said I'm definitely not going as the three of us was Thursday. I couldn't break these words even if I wanted to.
And I was tempted to see him, and it's a beautiful weekend to spend out of city, and I was forced to expain myself and, you know, it could be ok but it could also go so horribly as it did times and times before, with me just completely worn out by the interactions although "nothing was really wrong". So here I am unhappy about this course of events and wearing myself out anyways by replaying that weird conversation (where he inquired for reasons) in my head and going over the scenarios and trying to put a finger on that fucking reason why this kind of a three people Sunday is just so damn unfulfilling and tiring, the reason I feel I need to give him when he asks ---- instead of just being ok having boundaries about things that feel tiring and unfulfilling. Here I am worrying in a nonsense kind of way if I'm hurting the relationship by insisting on this kind of limitation.
His whole repeated inquiry just made me want to flee the relationship.
Someone please send me a hug and tell me that keeping boundaries within love relationships is supposed to be hard, ok?
Idealist has this fucking "country" house about one hour's drive from the city. He's got a reconstruction going on there. Plans have to be made. Maintenance work has to be done.
I've told him countless times last year that although I'm not particularly thrilled about the property, I'm up to go there with him if he needs to, but my offer doesn't stand for three people visits. I told him countless times that spending time the three of us is stressful.
Of course, he's not thinking about any of it. Makes arrangements with Meta to go there both weekend days (fine, I'll miss you), then tries to convince me that I should go on Sunday, and when I inquire today what the final arrangement is he tells me that I'm of course free to go along. (It was slightly more complicated.) Dude, the last time I said I'm definitely not going as the three of us was Thursday. I couldn't break these words even if I wanted to.
And I was tempted to see him, and it's a beautiful weekend to spend out of city, and I was forced to expain myself and, you know, it could be ok but it could also go so horribly as it did times and times before, with me just completely worn out by the interactions although "nothing was really wrong". So here I am unhappy about this course of events and wearing myself out anyways by replaying that weird conversation (where he inquired for reasons) in my head and going over the scenarios and trying to put a finger on that fucking reason why this kind of a three people Sunday is just so damn unfulfilling and tiring, the reason I feel I need to give him when he asks ---- instead of just being ok having boundaries about things that feel tiring and unfulfilling. Here I am worrying in a nonsense kind of way if I'm hurting the relationship by insisting on this kind of limitation.
His whole repeated inquiry just made me want to flee the relationship.
Someone please send me a hug and tell me that keeping boundaries within love relationships is supposed to be hard, ok?
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GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
I'll send lots of hugs, but... Boundaries shouldn't be that hard. That's something I realized when everything was a mess with Dag last year. I felt guilty for needing or wanting anything without an ironclad logical reason. And that's bullshit. If you don't enjoy spending extended amounts of time with Meta, that's enough of a reason to, you know, not spend extended amounts of time with her.
I can't tell from your post if Idealist is just busy and excited about the house to the point of being forgetful about your boundaries (which is annoying but happens) or if he's deliberately pushing them because three person hangouts make his life easier (which is incredibly shitty).
It's the shitty case - he hears what he wants to hear. I haven't been entirely firm, as I said, I was tempted to go see him. But knowing it's not such a great idea. I don't think he was actually trying to make me do the thing I don't want, but three person time would be kind of his ideal, so he's grilling me with questions to hopefully find the source of the discomfort and work around it somehow.
Also, he's got a severe problem sometimes to respect boundaries which he does not understand, and then it takes a serious effort to draw the line. I've ran into it more than once. I know he does need to get a why -- it's the way he works in all situations of life. Not a pure logical why, but understandable enough to him. That man can get very severely unhappy if he can't understand something. He's got deep layers of philosophical understanding and emotional intelligence to employ on the world. I actually love his asking and aiming at the root of things. When it's about me, I'm usually keen to open up and enjoy the attention. But sometimes his conceptual framework just doesn't match the rest of the word, so... He. Just. Doesn't. Get. It. Period. If it's a boundary, it becomes a severe problem. Let's say it needs several iterations of the same conflict, until he can integrate them as a fact, and it's upsetting.
I'm gonna be ok. I may need to make another boundary called I don't engage in repetitive discussions
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...especially at night on the phone. All the conflict was easy the next day, I was like "hey, do you even know you totally stressed me out?" and the answer was "no, I don't, sorry for that". I didn't feel the need to say much more. It sucks though that I lost sleep over it.I'm gonna be ok. I may need to make another boundary called I don't engage in repetitive discussions
There was a loose continuation last night, luckily in person this time. I'm getting pretty tense when just talking about sharing space with Meta (and having a hard time identifying the emotion let alone to conveying it), and a similar situation occurred when I just didn't want to talk about any of it at all and he wasn't quite getting it. At some point he said "you know, for me, the two of you are one" *, and I was just like "Wait, what?" Surprisingly, it felt like an illuminating idea, and the built-up tension I couldn't identify resolved in tears for a moment.
So I need to feel special, I need to feel I can't be replaced, I'm not interchangeable with anyone. I didn't know the sentiment is so strong in me. When I see people here writing about something being special, I'm often like "what's the big deal?
" I thought my jealousy was mostly a fight for resources, but this seems closer to the root. It's not really fear (of being replaced), it's really a much more pure and ...joyous... feeling than that. It's not even really competition. A desire of being unique, and being unique to someone.
I don't think he's treating us interchangeably. It's just... my conflict (with polyamory maybe). Does it follow that I need to be the only one? I don't know.
* As for how anyone comes to such a weird notion, it was clarified that what he meant was an archetypical-like feeling, something like the anima or a goddess. But that was not important to me.
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