The journey to myself

Warning: Vent about my moods.

Sometimes I don't feel like doing anything. Especially, concentrating on work. Which is fine, except when it's already been a week, it's not that much fun any more.
I had terribly anxious and tired two weeks, since I've had to put together my study plan for this year, which involves more lectures and exams (I'd much rather do "real" scientific work already, but I can't avoid the lectures before the state exam, and there's no point in putting them off), and also since I have to get up earlier then I was used to to visit those lectures and my sleep pattern doesn't shift easily. Towards getting up earlier, that is, no problem the other way round :rolleyes: Add in the fourth week of my cycle, and it all culminated in pretty badly depressed state over the weekend. I just vent through the motions on Saturday (we had to go shopping with family), cried half the evening, then Sunday we had planned a shibari ws which I just barely didn't cancel, but didn't manage to enjoy for the most part anyway. Crying anytime I remember something sad. Yeah, I feel terrible still.

Shifting my day to earlier hours is also a complication to meeting Idealist, because he works with US people and prefers to work late afternoon or even into the night to meet them online. He's also not productive in the morning, so if he doesn't end before 8 pm and I have to go to sleep 10:30 - not much fun, no time to go to the club etc. Luckily he's flexible with his working hours, but I didn't really know how much sacrifice to his preferred working time he was/is making in giving me evenings. Anyway, not that much leeway at my side now, but we will try to schedule some shorter meetups for noon.

It's been just like - two weeks ago - when I felt really optimistic and confident about my ability to (learn to) manage my moods and improve my capacity to feeling happy. I felt good about managing my life. I actually made a decision to really care much more about feeling happy, and not dwell in the negatives. I started that "Positive change" thread. None of this is true now, in fact, I feel exceptionally worthless and not able to achieve goals. Well, if any of you have found methods to improve mood swings, please share.

If you feel compelled by the slightest, please do write here:
http://polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=79776
As pathetic as it sounds to ask for it, I do care if that thread gets going. Ehm.
 
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Just a random streem of thoughts comming.
I feel (somewhat) better already.
O course, the turning point of my period usually only takes a few hours.
But I think it's better for writing the above, and also for not pressing myself into the big stuff at work and instead clearing up some minor stuff (while procrastinating here and taking a nap inbetween, lol...) Not a lot for a whole day, but at least a two little things which I have been putting off are done now. I'm afraid I generally can't be asking much more from myself. Now I actually feel more attentive then in the "morning", although I've already sat at work for 8+ hours. Weird shit... but I know that I also work better evenings sometimes. Especially if no one is watching me and no one and nothing is waiting for me. Some best work is done nights. You'd say maths requires a lot of attention and it does - but the last time I did pencil-and-paper computation I sat to if for "just an hour" at 11 pm, and at 2 am it wasn't finished (actually I made a careless mistake... if you remember your high-school math classes, you'll know that kind of sign mistakes... professionals are not immune to them:)), but I had sat at it for those 3 hours straight and I developed the formulae which allowed me to finish it within an hour the next morning (ok, noon). This will never happen though if I am stressed about time and if I have distractions like a computer before me. But I loved those hours and I loved that success. I want to find ways how to get into the creative part of doing work more easily. I got into it, because I loved highschool-type math, and because of the beauty of geometry and fascinating macroscopic and microscopic world. And here I go, moved by fascination to cry again :D
I love you too, forum people.
 
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Mood management stuff that I am aware of:

1. Awareness of mood altering causes (such as hormones) and doing best to remember:

"<issue> is not deserving of big response I am giving it today. Big response is coming from <cause.> Due to <cause> I shall try to set aside <issue> until better time."

...if possible.

And I think you do this, at least insofar as you have no illusions about why you're really feeling this way.

2. Good Self Care. Sleep well, eat well.

3. Indulgence. Take the time to do something nice for yourself. A hot chocolate and a good book, or whatever is happy, enjoyable, relaxing.

4. People. When I am moody, I love going to discussion groups. There is a topic, so I don't go on about whatever maudlin nonsense might have been lurking in my brain...it helps distract me from bad thoughts, and force me to think about whatever we're talking about. But then, I'm very extroverted, so perhaps not everyone would have a mood improvement just from some social time. I do.
 
I'd like to write more about the previous topic, but life is hectic, especially at work. We're sending the article to a journal. I think I've made up for my lack of activity last week twofold.
 
To Spork's list, I'd add self-compassion. Being compassionate with ourselves when we're in a bad mood instead of beating ourselves up for being in a bad mood. When I'm grouchy, I do acknowledge it, accept that I'm grouchy and may be for awhile, give myself permission to feel sad, angry, anxious, frustrated...whatever emotions I'm feeling. Then, I'll usually acknowledge it to someone else in a joking manner....we end up laughing about it and I almost always start to feel better! I think just giving myself permission to be angry, anxious, sad, etc, helps. I also remind myself that it's temporary. I know I'll eventually feel better (and that helps, too.)

I hope your crazy schedule slows down and the publishing goes well :)
 
I hope your crazy schedule slows down and the publishing goes well :)
Yeah, thank you, hopefully they'll accept the article :) I'm just taking a break, we've decided there's nothing significant to correct anymore (though I'm sure we didn't get right a lot of English "a" and "the" and prepositions) and we're sending it today. I'm staying at work for one more hour before I meet Idealist at the swimming pool, so I'm just sitting around and remembering all the little administrative tasks I should have done etc.
I'm weighting the pro's and cons of playing in a tournament in the 'go' board game on the weekend (yeah, shibari is not the only kind of Japanese hobby I have). Pro playing - I get to play, pro staying at home - I actually get to rest and maybe even get rid of some mess.
Or maybe it would be best to just go somewhere for a long walk, but I think I'd miss not playing.

By the way, girls, we did a great scene yeasterday. Idealist got motivated to practice the more technical parts of shibari after the last workshop , so we're actually advancing from mostly floorwork to suspension and transitions in a suspension (which is the rather difficult but interesting part for both rigger and model), and it's fun to achieve.
 
Spork, PinkPIg, thank you for replies... I actually know a lot of stuff about mood already, but sometimes I seem to remember none and nothing works. But genereally I'm doing better and better :)
Mood management stuff that I am aware of:
1. Awareness of mood altering causes...
2. Good Self Care. Sleep well, eat well.
3. Indulgence. Take the time to do something nice for yourself....
4. People. ... But then, I'm very extroverted, so perhaps not everyone would have a mood improvement just from some social time. I do.
Contact is actually huge. I think I am a little more introverted then extroverted, but I do get a boost from being around people. Like, not too many people, but either one on one or small-group meeting with people I like, or doing something fun with like-minded folks. Meeting people is stimulating a and distracting, and moods are contagious, so a fun group can really take you a step up.
I've learned the hard way (oh those exam periods) that staying alone at home and not meeting people for as little as two days is a surefire ticket to depression.

To Spork's list, I'd add self-compassion. Being compassionate with ourselves when we're in a bad mood instead of beating ourselves up for being in a bad mood. When I'm grouchy, I do acknowledge it, accept that I'm grouchy and may be for awhile, give myself permission to feel sad, angry, anxious, frustrated...whatever emotions I'm feeling. Then, I'll usually acknowledge it to someone else in a joking manner....we end up laughing about it and I almost always start to feel better! I think just giving myself permission to be angry, anxious, sad, etc, helps. I also remind myself that it's temporary. I know I'll eventually feel better (and that helps, too.)
Self-compassion. Skill to learn much much better :)
 
When I've been thinking about the texniques I already know, I've realized that a lot of them fall back on one simple principle, which I will call
Get the fuck out of your head! ;)
And by that I mean, stop focusing on your thoughts or attaching meaning to them. Instead, relax into your experience.

Breathing? Bringing your consciousness away from (worrying) thoughts to an object. With additional calming effects that deep and slow breathing has.
Feeling, expressing emotions... or shifting attention from thoughts to feelings.
Doing art? Concentrating on the visual/auditory and going from (over)thinking into a more receptive creative mode...
Yoga, excercise, body awareness? Directing your attention towards your body instead of the mind.
(Formal) relaxation? Again, bringing your attention to parts of your body with the added benefit of consciously releasing tension.
Mindfulness? Concentrating on touch, taste, smell, touch, briefly anything but thoughts - and if it's a thought your concentrating on, the content is not important, just the shape.
Other kinds of meditation? Basically experiencing the present moment. My meditation has much in common with relaxation, exept I do not keep the focus up to reliese tension consciously. Instead, by defocusing (just stop to hold onto anything in particular, especially - guess what - thoughts), relaxation comes by itself.

This is maybe the most powerfull thing to practice, to detache from thoughts and embrace everything else instead, to relax in your world. Just that often leads to really deep acceptance and joy. Not easy to do when the intensity of negative feelings is past a certain point though...
I am aware that there are other ways which perhaps don't follow this principle. Positive thinking (when you replace a thought by a better one). Decision making and taking action - also basically cognitive. Naming, labeling, describing emotions - extermelly useful work. But maybe not as useful as just feeling without judgement (which, by the way, is a thought).

End of analysis, I'm going to get the fuck out of my head so that I can fall asleep comfortably :)
 
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Totally overwhelmed by administrative tasks this week. I've already spent hours just filling in the forms needed for my visit in Italy (a winter school). Still haven't started on a grant application. On the other hand, I'm going to Italy in December, yai :)
Not to mention that I need to make a poster for a workshop in Germany next week. I've never done a poster. Life is getting pretty interesting...

So a lot of urgent things. I've worked quite a bit this month, I feel the need to slow down. On the other hand it's good. I've complained earlier about not being able to make myself work, right? I remember Reverie telling me that it depends on urgent things a lot, and I find now it's true. I feel it's a little bit cheating :rolleyes: I should be able to hold to the purpose of my work, not only do things when they have to be done...

Wish you all a nice day.
 
Politics - deeply disappointed

Reading the reactions all around I've been very disappointed, scared and sad for USA really, and fearful myself. The world today has become much too small.

I've made some effort to understand last night, and I think I caught a glimpse from this article. https://www.theguardian.com/comment...ld-trump-white-house-hillary-clinton-liberals
Hillary must have been a no choice as well for a lot of people. She's the reprezentation of an extremely arrogant clique, people who think they can lead "democracy" in their own direction. I mean, it's kind of incomparable with supporting waterboarding and rape, but if you look at it from a point of frustration with what has been going on, both are attacks to human decency.

I kind of understand. When our own pig of a president was elected, I didn't vote. The alternative didn't seem that much better - old and ill, often caught sleeping at meetings, born foreign and not even speaking propper language and from a party which has been doing arrogant politics for the past four years. His only "qualification" seemed to be aristocratic origin. So now we have a dumhead president who comes drunk to ceremonies and actively supports putin (defeating the politics of the rest of gowernment). But see, non of them seemed like an authority I could follow. Luckily - it doesn't matter that much, for our president is supposed to be a representative figure (cought :rolleyes:) but has little real might.

I see a real problem with "direct" democracy that involves the rich and influential pre-selecting candidates, where only those with enough money for campaign stand a chance.
I see a problem with a culture promoting values of success instead of virtue, self-centeredness instead of compassion and entertainment instead of transcendence, a culture we are all the children of. I'm no better.

The american society is now devided by a deep and steep gap, just as the society in my country was after election. It's gotten a little better in those three years, we've survived half of it and president dissenters have become somewhat more constructive in searching good candidates for the next election. I'm trying to be hopeful. And I do believe, that if only Trump can be discreditized in the eyes of his supporters by reasonable, not unnecessarily polarized, voices, America may get some fresh air in the next election too. Hopefully he can be kept from doing extreme harm.

And I am afraid, because if America takes and even more totalitarian form then it already has (and from the my point of view, the "freedom" of US is already more and more questionable), our little middle-european oasis of safe self-expression is not self either, and not because of moslim immigrants (whom Europe is stuggling to find a reasonable stance towards). There is nobody to lean on any more. Both russia and US probably know more about all of us then we'd like to. And I haven't been really careful with what I share on the internet.
With that fear, I can feel even myself, so ignorant about political issues, getting more radical. Afraid of people and afraid of myself.

Kind of redundant on this board, but here is Pussy Riot on the issue:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-bKFo30o2o
 
I'm flying to my first conference in the mornig. Sick, and nervous at the top of that. And I'm procrastinating the packing terribly, but I'll do it now. Hopefully my flu gets better with every day not worse, then it will be good.
 
So, enough politics, back to dating ;) ...
I'll never ever do a first date in a teashop again. Ok, maybe I'll will because I really like them, but keenly aware of the danger that it takes hours to get and drink your tea.
It's the situation when you know within a minute that this person is not attractive to you and within the few sentences that great friendship is probably not ahead either. Thankfully my choice wasn't that bad, so we just talked about science.
 
So, Meta and Idealist have been going to the same tantra as I visited with Idealist last year. Apparently Meta is on quite good terms with Joker. I think it's absurdely funny :D
 
So, life and relationships. Not going that well. I haven't seen Idealist for a week as I was abroad, then we met briefly on Monday, and now he's busy with his house and I can't go there, as I'm ill again. I've been missing him badly, but now I'm already getting used to, like meh, I'm just feeling bad anyway.

I've finished going through a calculation I'm supposed to build on. Finally. I couldn't get to science due to administrative tasks for like two weeks before the conference, so now I'm pretty curious if I can expand this little piece of knowledge further. It may be the first problem I get to work on where I really have no clue about the result :) There's something wastly different between sitting down to an open problem, and doing some excercise. It almost feels like a sanctuary. I just sit down with my pencil and papers full of weird symbols ;), and I know it's up to me to get it right. There's no percieved time pressure. I sit down and do a little bit and then I'm all surprised it has been nearly two hours. A search for Truth :) although in just a tiny little corner of the universe of physics.
I sincerely hope I can keep doing this.
 
Someone asked me what I am passionate about in physics

This person contacted me at the actualized.org forum, kind of hesitating if he should continue with master's in physics, or he should change directions and work on raising his and other peoples awareness/consciousness.
... and I wrote a long answer, and you get to read it too if you wish ;) I'm using some of the terms common on that site, but hopefully nothing completelly out of common understanding.


Hello :) Well, I am not sure if I'm the person to tell to go study physics or not, but I certainly do have opinions. I also hesitate/hesitated about continuing physics ws. focusing more on psychology (I won't say consciousness work because I've done very little of that), but now I see physics as a very plausible work direction, while I have no idea how to contribute with consciousness work.
What i'm passionate about is finding "truth" , and that's why I studied physics do discover how the world works
That's certainly part of my passion, or rather was my starting point. Today I realize physics only describes this tiny little slice of the world. Physics comes short in the domain of psychology, and you know what, that is ok, because it is not physics' intention to describe that. In my worldview, physics as science is foundational (together with the art of mathematics), allowing for the basis upon which chemistry, biology, neuroscience, and (taking a huge leap) psychology and consciousness work rest, new phenomena emerging at every level (in a similar way as termodynamics emerges from the movements of individual molecules).

I guess what I care most about in physics, and mathematics, is beauty. I'm a theoretical physicist, I like structures, I like geometry, I like symmetries. I love the ability to describe stars and atoms alike on a very fundamental level. I like that physics, being at the basis of science, has the priviledge to abstract real phenomena into this perfect world of ideas (which is inherent to maths), and still get accurate predictions about the behavior of objects. I don't care very much about all the practical difficulties of measurement and application.

I do still care about knowledge/truth, and I accept and welcome that as a scientist in this modern time, I have the opportunity to contribute to a tiny bit of out picture of the world.
my life purpose seems to be in the area of Consciousness work so I was thinking if there is any way to combine physics and consciousness work but I don't see how.
I do not aim at combining physics and consciousness work directly, but I do aim at doing both in my life. I do think science at it's best (and by that I don't mean getting caught up in accademic quarrels) is in line with higher values - beauty, knowledge, surrendering to something bigger then yourself (as manifested reality is what it is). Doing intellectual work is good for your focus, and a lot of the scientists I know are at an old age still extremely bright, passionate and compassionate. I think I can reach this place by combining science and personal development, and I'm happy with that.

What I am starting to hope for, although I do not see a direct route, is combining physics and life pourpose/contribution to society. Before I found actualized.org I was perfectly happy with doing physics just because of the beauty and kind of abstract knowledge, not thinking of usefulness or application very much. Today, I'd like to actually help do peoples lives better, be it by advancing technology or otherwise - and physics is capable of that, it's a matter of getting the broad view and choosing the right question to work on (which, admittedly, I find hard).

Another personal reason to continue physics for me is, that I think I am suited for this work. Maybe I am not the brightest theoretical physicist ever (for sure not), but I have some talents which could be used well in an accademic environment, be it the ability to be concise (although this post doesn't look like it, haha ;D) or a positive attitude towards teaching the talented. And I like the relative freedom (compared to a 9-5 corporate job of course, not to a freelance meditation teacher) and creativity (again, compared to most jobs, not to the genius of a painter). And, I love to do pencil-and-paper computations. I've always had fun with that. That's why I toughed through my studies, to be able to play with symbols at work (exagerating just a little). So I'll be making my contribution, and have a rather respected place in society, at least until I do a lot more meditation and find out that actually I want to do ... whatever that will be.
So i'm thinking of becoming a life couch or meditation instructor
So I guess what I think about this decision is... where do you think you can do the greater good, and what is best left to other people? For me, I won't be a great life coach anytime soon. I don't have much to give there, and it hasn't been my calling in my teenage years. But maybe you have something to give people in this direct way?

Oh, I wish you good luck, just as I wish good luck myself O:) Thanks for giving me the opportunity to write down the thoughts that have been swirling through my head in the past year.
 
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In Clair's post http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=344028&postcount=972
she has the best description of couple commitment I've ever seen.
"I love you, your happiness is important, so I'll do my best to be accommodating and supportive of the other people and things in your life. But if the shit hits the fan, and you can't put my needs first, we shouldn't be married."
I cheer on her a lot.

It also feels quite scary to me, because while I'm somewhat compelled by the ideal, I don't think I can commit in this way. Just in the last two months, I've had a lot to do at work, was also excited about work, and at the same time I had some minor health trouble. It was enough to make me not want to invest in relationships, and Idealist had to stress his dissatisfaction with me not making time. Mind you, he's dissatisfied easily :rolleyes:, but still, once he's the one with two relationships, but I'm the one putting work ahead in priority.
I feel like there are quite a bit of things I feel spouses are "supposed" to do that I probably wouldn't do for any partner. I'm also not prioritizing family relationships very much. So I have a bad-ish conscience about it, and I wonder if I should change my attitute.

I don't have the clarity of mind now to unwind what is missalignment of my wants and behavior, and what is fear and baggage. Just wanted to drop it here.
 
Aw, thanks Tinwen :eek:

I had a couple of different reactions reading your last post...

One, and I don't mean this to be patronizing, you are so young. I got married young and so far it has worked out ok ;) but most of my friends didn't even THINK about lifetime commitments until they were done with grad school and had some idea of where their career would take them. They spent their late 20s dating casually, making their education and career top priority. Honestly, I envied them a lot in those years - I was trailing Andy's career and choosing jobs and school based on that, while they lived in New York or DC and had total freedom to do whatever. And FWIW, all the women I know who did that ended up marrying and starting families in their 30s (not that marriage/kids is the ultimate goal in life, just saying waiting doesn't rule it out).

Two, the whole "I'll put your needs first" is a two-way street. Not one person sacrificing everything for the other, but two people jointly deciding to join their lives. I read about your work stuff and health stuff, and thought, why isn't Idealist rearranging his stuff to be there for Tinwen? If he wants time, he can come over and cook you dinner while you work, listen to you brainstorm, help/listen with health stuff.

I know my definition of *commitment* is a lot stricter than others. To me, life partnership means you stop having "my priorities" and "your priorities" and just have "our priorities". With kids, careers, friendships, hobbies, education, pets, even other partners, rolled into that. I care a lot about Andy getting to see Steph, because he loves her, so rearranging stuff around their time together is a priority for *us*, not just his thing to figure out. But - sometimes Steph time will fall below other stuff on the Claire-and-Andy priority list. When that happens, it's not me saying no, it's him looking at *our life priorities* and making a decision.

If Andy and I had to hash out and schedule and nitpick over time given to other people, I think we would have divorced long ago. But we share the same priorities, we put "time with others" at the same level of importance, and we're both aware when that's a need that's getting shortchanged and deserves extra attention. So it's never "I want this but you want that" negotiation, just an almost unconscious joint moving around of other stuff to make room for it.

Wow, that got REALLY long, lol.

TLDR - if your eventual life partner places as much value on your needs as you do on theirs, committing to working life out together isn't as bad as it sounds :)
 
Ah, thanks!
most of my friends didn't even THINK about lifetime commitments until they were done with grad school and had some idea of where their career would take them. They spent their late 20s dating casually, making their education and career top priority. Honestly, I envied them a lot in those years - I was trailing Andy's career and choosing jobs and school based on that, while they lived in New York or DC and had total freedom to do whatever.
This is actually really reassuring. Not because your friends got married in their thirties, but to hear that envy goes both sides - meaning there's nothing to envy in the first place :D:p What a weird reaction from me :rolleyes:

Two, the whole "I'll put your needs first" is a two-way street. Not one person sacrificing everything for the other, but two people jointly deciding to join their lives. I read about your work stuff and health stuff, and thought, why isn't Idealist rearranging his stuff to be there for Tinwen? If he wants time, he can come over and cook you dinner while you work, listen to you brainstorm, help/listen with health stuff.
He did to some extend. I guess two months is a long enough time to start feeling the relationship one-sided if you're always the one comming over.
It was also close to impossible part of the time, because a week I was abroad and the next week he was supervising the workers changing the whole roof on his country house (really stressful for him too). So those two weeks were really really long. So I guess I reverted into my "I don't need anyone" shell, and he lashed out for the same reason.

We've mostly reconnected, but I'm still kind of at the point of reconsidering. If it's hard to even sustain a non-entangled relationship, I should really cut shit out of my life instead of thinking about multiple partners, and I want a partner who can cut shit too.
Which doesn't reconsile really well with my need for excitement/variety, and ambitions, and an admiration for ambitions :eek:
But maybe I just want to live with someone, to make connecting each day so much easier.

To me, life partnership means you stop having "my priorities" and "your priorities" and just have "our priorities".
Well, do you ever disagree on what your joint priorities should be? :D
Actually, I've got a feel of how that could look like, but that's the thing I'm too selfish at times to pull off.

TLDR - if your eventual life partner places as much value on your needs as you do on theirs, committing to working life out together isn't as bad as it sounds :)
That made me laugh :D
But hey, yes. There must be a point of equilibrium found, that is both balanced in terms of contribution of the partners (not an absolutelly measurable thing), and comfortable in terms of needs being met for both. And now I made it sound complicated again, someone kill me for the overthinking :D
 
Idealist said something yeasterday to the effect that he would be compelled by monogamy/primary with me. Definitelly not on the level of serious intention, but it seemed sincere and sent my head for a spin. I would love to discuss the context more, but it all seems too delicate to be semi-anonymously online.
I haven't even considered monogamy with him, or rather tried not too. It just doesn't/didn't seem very likely he would do such a thing.
Maybe I should be asking myself, if I would be even up for that. (Instead, my head tends to head directly for the how.) A part of me would be so relieved, and a part of me seems to be telling me to run.
And then, there are the moral aspects of even giving an approving nod to such an intention.
Confused.

edit: Seems to be more of a misunderstanding anyway.
 
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