Hey all, I'm new here! I've read the guidelines but this is my first post so let me know if I'm leaving anything out, breaking rules, etc.
I've been with my bf for 6ish years now. We have been in theory open the whole time but in practice about a year. We both have other partners that we have been with for about that whole year. Everything felt incredibly easy until recently.
To get right to the point I don't feel like he loves me anymore. He tells me he does all the time (4-5 times a day even) but he doesn't really want to tell me about his day, hear about mine, or play with me anymore. We touch less, we have less sex, we play less and we are more snippy at each other than usual. I love him dearly and also I feel very disconnected from him. I've asked for some specific things (kiss me before you get out of bed in the morning, talk to me about your day etc) and they aren't happening.
I'm really overworked and feeling under-appreciated. He is going to go visit his gf (out of the country) in a couple weeks and I'm irritated for several reasons:
1) It's expensive and we are broke. I'm working a lot and he isn't. The house is falling apart and we can't afford to fix it.
2) It means I won't see him/get to relax with him while neither of us are in school. He is literally gone the entire break from school.
3) I was sad about him leaving but understanding that LDR's are hard and this was one of few times he would get to see her. I asked for some specific house chores to be done before he left so that they didn't all fall on me while he was gone. I felt like this would help me feel less like he was getting to run off and play with his fun girlfriend while his house girlfriend (me) stayed home and worked. He did those things but not very happily and with a seeming lack of understanding about why they felt important to me.
So, if I'm on the organized and worrier end of the spectrum he is on the don't worry about it it'll turn out fine in the end of things. Under normal conditions those things have complemented each other well. He chills me out and I get him off his ass. Now it feels like those differences between us are actually incompatabilities because I don't feel like he is meeting me half-way anymore. I'm in school full time, working part time and keeping track of things that need done around the house. I recently stopped cleaning and the place became a pig-sty.
I'm not happy and I'm crying all the time. He has for years told me that he wanted to get married. We live together and our money is (loosely and not with clear boundaries) tied. I've always hesitated because marriage freaks me out and because I wanted to see if his mental health stayed where it had been for a while. He deals with anxiety and depression and I wanted to see if he continued getting better and was able to manage those things well over the long term.
So, now, here we are.The things I've been thinking about are:
1) If I should try to get off the escalator that we've been on and move out. I'm wondering if I had my own space, didn't have to clean or see his mess/ deal with his level of disorganization that maybe I would feel less like my needs weren't getting met and we could go back to being really fun partners to each other. He is never going to want things to be as clean as I do, or do his taxes on time or remember what day the recycling goes out to the street and I worry I'm wanting him to be someone he isn't. I should note that we absolutely rely on each other financially right now and it would be extremely difficult on both of us to not support each other in that way anymore. I'm honestly not sure how either of us would make it financially alone.
2) We break up. I don't feel loved or treated well. I'm tired of trying and sometimes when I imagine myself in a different place, not dealing with any of this anymore I feel free...but damn it I love him and I want his arms around me at night...but maybe he doesn't love me anymore and we're headed away from that anyway...
3) I'm overreacting. And we've hit a bump. He's messing up a little, I'm messing up a little, we are new at this and both under other stress. It's normal for couples to have ups and downs especially when they are still new to poly. I have a tendency toward catastrophic thoughts when things aren't going well. I'm well aware my feelings could be just that and I do, in fact, need to chill a little.
Lastly, I'm fairly committed to trying to spend the next couple weeks before he goes and while he is gone sorting out the way that I feel. I don't want to shake things up right before he goes. (The ultimate "go ahead and have your date with her I'll just ruin it with a meltdown right before you leave") and I want to be able to say clearly what I want/need when he comes back. I'm was recently fairly committed to floating the idea of me moving out once he got back but now I don't know.
Oh look, I've written a novel. Thanks for reading. Any thoughts, experiences, questions, support, advice or healthy recipes I can cook to keep me sane in the upcoming month (and months to follow) are much appreciated.
I've been with my bf for 6ish years now. We have been in theory open the whole time but in practice about a year. We both have other partners that we have been with for about that whole year. Everything felt incredibly easy until recently.
To get right to the point I don't feel like he loves me anymore. He tells me he does all the time (4-5 times a day even) but he doesn't really want to tell me about his day, hear about mine, or play with me anymore. We touch less, we have less sex, we play less and we are more snippy at each other than usual. I love him dearly and also I feel very disconnected from him. I've asked for some specific things (kiss me before you get out of bed in the morning, talk to me about your day etc) and they aren't happening.
I'm really overworked and feeling under-appreciated. He is going to go visit his gf (out of the country) in a couple weeks and I'm irritated for several reasons:
1) It's expensive and we are broke. I'm working a lot and he isn't. The house is falling apart and we can't afford to fix it.
2) It means I won't see him/get to relax with him while neither of us are in school. He is literally gone the entire break from school.
3) I was sad about him leaving but understanding that LDR's are hard and this was one of few times he would get to see her. I asked for some specific house chores to be done before he left so that they didn't all fall on me while he was gone. I felt like this would help me feel less like he was getting to run off and play with his fun girlfriend while his house girlfriend (me) stayed home and worked. He did those things but not very happily and with a seeming lack of understanding about why they felt important to me.
So, if I'm on the organized and worrier end of the spectrum he is on the don't worry about it it'll turn out fine in the end of things. Under normal conditions those things have complemented each other well. He chills me out and I get him off his ass. Now it feels like those differences between us are actually incompatabilities because I don't feel like he is meeting me half-way anymore. I'm in school full time, working part time and keeping track of things that need done around the house. I recently stopped cleaning and the place became a pig-sty.
I'm not happy and I'm crying all the time. He has for years told me that he wanted to get married. We live together and our money is (loosely and not with clear boundaries) tied. I've always hesitated because marriage freaks me out and because I wanted to see if his mental health stayed where it had been for a while. He deals with anxiety and depression and I wanted to see if he continued getting better and was able to manage those things well over the long term.
So, now, here we are.The things I've been thinking about are:
1) If I should try to get off the escalator that we've been on and move out. I'm wondering if I had my own space, didn't have to clean or see his mess/ deal with his level of disorganization that maybe I would feel less like my needs weren't getting met and we could go back to being really fun partners to each other. He is never going to want things to be as clean as I do, or do his taxes on time or remember what day the recycling goes out to the street and I worry I'm wanting him to be someone he isn't. I should note that we absolutely rely on each other financially right now and it would be extremely difficult on both of us to not support each other in that way anymore. I'm honestly not sure how either of us would make it financially alone.
2) We break up. I don't feel loved or treated well. I'm tired of trying and sometimes when I imagine myself in a different place, not dealing with any of this anymore I feel free...but damn it I love him and I want his arms around me at night...but maybe he doesn't love me anymore and we're headed away from that anyway...
3) I'm overreacting. And we've hit a bump. He's messing up a little, I'm messing up a little, we are new at this and both under other stress. It's normal for couples to have ups and downs especially when they are still new to poly. I have a tendency toward catastrophic thoughts when things aren't going well. I'm well aware my feelings could be just that and I do, in fact, need to chill a little.
Lastly, I'm fairly committed to trying to spend the next couple weeks before he goes and while he is gone sorting out the way that I feel. I don't want to shake things up right before he goes. (The ultimate "go ahead and have your date with her I'll just ruin it with a meltdown right before you leave") and I want to be able to say clearly what I want/need when he comes back. I'm was recently fairly committed to floating the idea of me moving out once he got back but now I don't know.
Oh look, I've written a novel. Thanks for reading. Any thoughts, experiences, questions, support, advice or healthy recipes I can cook to keep me sane in the upcoming month (and months to follow) are much appreciated.
