Doubts! Closing open/poly relationship?

[CherryPie]

Hi everyone,
First of all: I’m new here and it’s the first time I talk with other polyamorous people about my relationship. Usually I wouldn’t ask advice from strangers online, but I feel like you could give me insight and share the expertise I need. I also already apologize for the language mistakes because English isn’t my mother tongue.

I’m 23 years old and I have a relationship with my boyfriend – who is 25 – for ten months now. When we were together for three months, we already moved in together. After two months of living together, my boyfriend told me that he was curious about having sex with other girls. He knows I’m very openminded and experimental but I was jealous and upset at first. On the other side, I could understand him: he has a very high sexdrive and is very adventurous when it comes to sex. Besides, I also sometimes felt attracted to other people during my previous relationships. I agreed with having an open relationship but had a lot of panic attacks in the beginning. My boyfriend always supported me and told me that I just have to get used to the idea. He set up a lot of rules: no texting with other people and only one-time hookups. After a few weeks I suggested having a polyamorous relationship because I just don’t want to have meaningless sex with strangers. My boyfriend was scared at first but now really likes it.
Months passed and I met a lot of guys online. I liked talking to them and even meeting them in real life but didn’t feel the urge to really date them or have sex with them. My boyfriend has a harder time meeting girls who are interested, but there was a period in which he was constantly sexting with girls on chat sites. One evening, he even isolated himself at home to send nudes to these girls and masturbated while talking to them, without involving me. When I also discovered that he had lied about these conversations, I got really mad and we had a big fight. He realized that it was not healthy for our relationship and stopped the sexting completely. Right now he feels attracted to a few girls but they are in a closed relationship or just not interested in him. I’m currently dating another man (who’s in an open relationship and not interested in polyamory), but we haven’t kissed yet. So in general, we both haven’t done anything practical with our open/poly relationship.

Now, there are a few problems:
1. After the first few months of our relationship, my boyfriends sexdrive lowered a lot. I’m always the one who has to initiate sex and he constantly turns me down. We have sex once a week, mostly because I make him understand that I need it. He’s either too tired or stressed or just not in the mood. He says it’s not my fault, that he just feels a little bit down and he’s also not interested in other girls in these periods (but he sometimes talks to me about other attractive girls and that he still watches porn). A few weeks ago, I talked again with him and stated that something has to change. I notice he’s really trying now and that we have sex more often, so that’s a good thing.
2. While I’m dating this other man, something just doesn’t feel right. I mean, he’s really nice, sweet and handsome and I really like him. But I like my boyfriend more and I sometimes feel guilty about spending time with someone else. My boyfriend is perfectly fine with it, but I’m not. I’d rather go on these dates with my boyfriend (although we already do a lot of fun things together). Why would I ‘waste’ my time on another man (who I really like but in the end just wants to have sex with me), while I already found someone I want to spend every day of my life with? Besides, I’ve also got enough friends and family who surround me and ‘improve’ my life.
3. My boyfriend feels attracted to a girl we met a few months ago, since she’s part of our big group of friends. The thing is: I really don’t like her. She very arrogant and always lingers around my boyfriend (even when she didn’t know about our open/poly relationship) while she’s in a monogamous relationship. My boyfriend wants to have sex with here (if she’d be single or in an open relationship) but I really don’t like this thought. When I told him, he laughed it off and said that he still has a free will.
4. My boyfriend talks a lot about his previous relationships in which he felt imprisoned and bored. He’s so happy that we have an open/poly relationship and he has the freedom to meet, date and have sex with other people. In the meantime, I have a lot of doubts. When we talk about it, he says that we can find a way that works for both of us and I don’t have to worry. But I found out he talks to other people about never wanting to go back to a monogamous relationship. He also talked about it with that girl he likes, and I feel like she used it to hurt me while I was talking to her about our open/poly relationship: when I said that it’s not a necessity for me and I could be monogamous again, she just said “but your boyfriend can’t!”
I just feel so pressured to be comfortable with it, even when I’m not! It’s like I don’t have a choice anymore…

I’m so sorry for the very long story, but as you can read it’s a very big issue for me. I’ve got a few questions: do I have the right to feel this way? Is it just the jealousy and anxiety I have to overcome? If yes, how do I do so?
Would it be a good idea to temporary close our relationship again, or isn’t that fair? I sometimes feel like we opened our relationship too early and for the wrong reasons. Do you agree? I sometimes mention to my boyfriend that I’m thinking about the idea of being monogamous again, but he doesn’t seem eager to try. How do I start this conversation again, without pressuring him? I don’t want him to feel the same way like he did in previous relationships, but I’m just not happy with how things are now. I want to work on my own emotions and our relationship, because I love my boyfriend a lot. I'm just not sure about how I see our future. How can I continue from this point?

Thank you very much for reading this, it really means a lot to me!

 

[Marcus]

1. After the first few months of our relationship, my boyfriends sexdrive lowered a lot. I’m always the one who has to initiate sex and he constantly turns me down. We have sex once a week, mostly because I make him understand that I need it... I notice he’s really trying now and that we have sex more often, so that’s a good thing.

Is it though?

Hassling someone into doing something they don't want to do might yield desired results in the short term, but that's not a great idea for building healthy, flourishing associations. That's not even taking into account how weird and touchy people are about sex.

Also, sex drives toward specific individuals change over time (increase or decrease). Sometimes these changes are just situational and temporary, while sometimes they come from a more fundamental place and might not switch back to the way they were.

You guys haven't been together for very long. It's entirely possible that you are just now recovering from NRE (new relationship energy), and are only just meeting one another with clear heads. It can take a long time to get to know how someone works, and that timeline won't even start until you're out of puppy love status (which can easily last for many months).

when I said that it’s not a necessity for me and I could be monogamous again, she just said “but your boyfriend can’t!” ... I just feel so pressured to be comfortable with it, even when I’m not! It’s like I don’t have a choice anymore…

What she said may well be true, but that's for him to decide (not the two of you). You are doing a lot of focusing on what he's doing and what you want him to do... I suggest turning that effort inward and thinking about who you are, and what style of relating is authentic for you.

 

[CherryPie]

Is it though?

Hassling someone into doing something they don't want to do might yield desired results in the short term, but that's not a great idea for building healthy, flourishing associations. That's not even taking into account how weird and touchy people are about sex.

Also, sex drives toward specific individuals change over time (increase or decrease). Sometimes these changes are just situational and temporary, while sometimes they come from a more fundamental place and might not switch back to the way they were.

You are completely right, but I think it's a good sign that he's trying. A month ago we started foreplay and then he would suddenly stop,say that he's not in the mood, turn around and go to sleep. While now, he tries to create and keep a sexual atmosphere. I don't know what other way there is for him to try and take in account my feelings.

You guys haven't been together for very long. It's entirely possible that you are just now recovering from NRE (new relationship energy), and are only just meeting one another with clear heads. It can take a long time to get to know how someone works, and that timeline won't even start until you're out of puppy love status (which can easily last for many months).

That's exactly the reason why I feel we started an open/poly relationship too early. How do we find out what works right now while we're also spending energy on meeting other people? Especially the first months of our open relationship were very hard for me because we didn't know each other well enough to completely trust each other. But can we now? I'm not completely sure... I mean, he is honest about everything but I don't experience it that way. I know that the trust issue is my problem, but I don't know how to fix it.

What she said may well be true, but that's for him to decide (not the two of you). You are doing a lot of focusing on what he's doing and what you want him to do... I suggest turning that effort inward and thinking about who you are, and what style of relating is authentic for you.

He also tells me that he can't go back to a completly monogamous relationship, but he never specifies if there are any admission he is willing to make. When I ask him, he gives an evasive answer.

I think a lot about who I am and what I want. I'm trying to find the root of this problem.. is it something within me or something between us?
I do genuinly believe that I can be polyamorous and happy with it. Sometimes I feel good about it and I don't have any jealous feelings. In the beginning, my boyfriend had contact with a girl and they were arranging a date. I didn't feel the same jealousy I experience now. (They never went on this date because she was suddenly in a monogamous relationship by the way).
But as I said, sometimes I feel pressured and very unhappy about the open/poly part of our relationship!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi CherryPie,

It seems that you and your boyfriend are at a standoff. You want monogamy, and he wants open/poly. I don't think either of you should get a say-so in what the other does, you both have your feelings and they are valid. You can ask him to try monogamy for awhile, but going by your description, it doesn't seem possible to convince him. So I am inclined to suggest a breakup ... which probably isn't what you want to hear, but what can you do?

I'll try to offer more advice if you'll keep us posted here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[CherryPie]

Hi CherryPie,

It seems that you and your boyfriend are at a standoff. You want monogamy, and he wants open/poly. I don't think either of you should get a say-so in what the other does, you both have your feelings and they are valid. You can ask him to try monogamy for awhile, but going by your description, it doesn't seem possible to convince him. So I am inclined to suggest a breakup ... which probably isn't what you want to hear, but what can you do?

I'll try to offer more advice if you'll keep us posted here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you for your answer! As I said in my previous reply: I'm convinced that I can be poly, or at least have an open relationship. I'm sure that I can give my boyfriend his freedom and also allow myself to enjoy another man.

Yesterday, after posting this story, I asked my boyfriend what his boundaries are and which sacrifices he wants to make (without feeling frustrated and retained). His answer was that he could also be happy with only threesomes and swapping, sex with other people but only with my presence and participation. I'm still thinking about this, but I feel like this wouldn't be someting that makes me feel more 'secure' and happy. No, even thinking about us being completely monogamous doesn't change this feeling. I talked about this with a good friend of mine today and he asked me the right questions which gave me some insight. I'm crazy about my boyfriend and we're a good match: we always have a lot of fun together, we respect each other, we want to invest in our relationship,... But he has a lot of troubles with emotional connection (towards himself en towards me). When I try to talk about my feelings and thoughts (even when it has nothing to do with us), he changes in a cold and distant robot and he can't say another word. For me personally, I also experience this distance during sex, it's all about the physical part, the sexual arousal and his orgasm. I've already talked about this with him in the past and he doesn't understand what I'm talking about or what I'm missing. There are periods in which he has no sexual interest at all, and then there are short periods in which he has an extreme interest in sex (like the sexting part I described in my story, or being very uncaring and rough with me, watching porn every day and even paying for it, or arranging sexdates with girls he doesn't even think are attractive, ...). These changes and lack of balance are very hard for me to cope with. And on top of that, I can't talk about it without him changing into this emotionless robot. It leaves me frustrated and scared, and I realize that it's in these periods I feel so jealous and insecure!

 

[Tinwen]

I'm crazy about my boyfriend and we're a good match: we always have a lot of fun together, we respect each other, we want to invest in our relationship,... But he has a lot of troubles with emotional connection (towards himself en towards me). When I try to talk about my feelings and thoughts (even when it has nothing to do with us), he changes in a cold and distant robot and he can't say another word.

So this seems to be an important feature of your relationship. Three things come to mind
- You might have to accept that this is the case and work around it or break up.
- If he wants to, he might be able to work on his emotional intelligence, preferably in therapy.
- There's probably a reason withing you why you choose an ... emotionally distant ... person like him, and you might want to examine that for your own development's sake.
Anyhow, I'm sending best wishes.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi CherryPie,

It sounds like the problem with your boyfriend is that he changes into an emotionless robot if you ask him the "wrong" questions. You have to tell him he needs to answer your questions without reservations, and tell him why. Hopefully he will understand.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[CherryPie]

Thank you all very much! Just writing about these problems and trying to find a 'structure' in the story, gives me a lot of insight!

So this seems to be an important feature of your relationship. Three things come to mind
- You might have to accept that this is the case and work around it or break up.
- If he wants to, he might be able to work on his emotional intelligence, preferably in therapy.
- There's probably a reason withing you why you choose an ... emotionally distant ... person like him, and you might want to examine that for your own development's sake.
Anyhow, I'm sending best wishes.

He already goes to therapy. I suggested this a while ago when he was very stressed and feeling down. But he's not a good talker so he (and the therapist) both have the feeling it isn't really going anywhere. I asked him if I could maybe join him next time, but he's scared that I will say things he doens't want to talk about (like everything that has to do with sex for example).
None of my previous partners where emotionally distant so I don't know if there's really a reason for it. I just fell in love with my boyfriend for so many different reasons. I still choose to be with him because of and despite of who he is as a person.

Hi CherryPie,

It sounds like the problem with your boyfriend is that he changes into an emotionless robot if you ask him the "wrong" questions. You have to tell him he needs to answer your questions without reservations, and tell him why. Hopefully he will understand.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I already told/asked him, but he just can't... It's not about bad intentions!
So I hope we can work on this and find a way to make it work

 

[Tinwen]

He already goes to therapy. I suggested this a while ago when he was very stressed and feeling down. But he's not a good talker so he (and the therapist) both have the feeling it isn't really going anywhere.

I see. Maybe he could shift his assignment to the therapist - instead of "feeling stressed and down" try to have a look at "I have trouble talking about feelings". But of course it may be that conventional therapy is unsuitable.
There are other, more experience-based approaches to working with our personal hang-ups (immaginative and relaxation techniques, groups sharing various kinds of activities), but I don't think I can guess anything suitable.

I already told/asked him, but he just can't... It's not about bad intentions!
So I hope we can work on this and find a way to make it work

If anxiety is the cause, could writing an email - instead of face to face - help some?

 

[CherryPie]

I see. Maybe he could shift his assignment to the therapist - instead of "feeling stressed and down" try to have a look at "I have trouble talking about feelings". But of course it may be that conventional therapy is unsuitable.
There are other, more experience-based approaches to working with our personal hang-ups (immaginative and relaxation techniques, groups sharing various kinds of activities), but I don't think I can guess anything suitable.


If anxiety is the cause, could writing an email - instead of face to face - help some?

Thanks for your advice I will do some research and (try to) talk about it with him!

 

[Marcus]

He already goes to therapy. I suggested this a while ago when he was very stressed and feeling down. But he's not a good talker so he (and the therapist) both have the feeling it isn't really going anywhere. I asked him if I could maybe join him next time, but he's scared that I will say things he doens't want to talk about (like everything that has to do with sex for example).

I have to disagree with my esteemed colleagues on going down this road. For me, this whole concept of getting involved in someone elses therapy is HUGE no-no. There are a couple of reasons:

1) it will most likely breed resentment. This is a person on their own journey and they are forced to endure someone trying to hand-hold them. In my experience, this will not end well.

2) it's a sign that you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. If there are fundamental personality differences that are not working in your current configuration, the more reasonable approach would be to adjust your configuration to fit the people who are actually involved (instead of adjusting the personalities to fit the configuration).

 

[FallenAngelina]

This relationship is bringing up a LOT of anxiety around intimacy and sex, both in you and in your BF, CherryPie. That is actually good - it's what love relationships do if there is "stuff" to work out. But you are focussing a tremendous amount on him and his problems, looking either for ways that he can be fixed or for ways that you can contort yourself into the present situation. A supportive, mature, stable relationship allows for exploring intimacy issues (and most of us have them to some extent) within the arms of another who is ready to hold us and sit with us exactly where we are. That your BF can't hold you safely while you explore doesn't mean that he is doing anything wrong, it just says that he can't hold you. What he can do for you is mirror to you what you need to look at and work on in yourself. You will never fix this by focusing on him and his issues, nor will things get better the more you try to embrace a relationship model (poly) that this relationship is simply not stable enough to sustain. The way forward will always and only be found in working on all of the anxiety that this situation brings up in you.

I'm never a fan of "all you can do is break up" because our intimate partners reflect ourselves. Often, the most troubling people turn out to be our most blessed angels, for they illuminate places in us that desperately need the sunlight. If you just break up and don't do the inner work, you roll off onto another who brings out the same thing. There is no such thing as fault in relationships (my opinion, of course.) That's never a helpful way to look at things. There is so much more to be found in taking your focus off of what he is doing and putting it on thinking much more about what you want, what nourishes you, what makes your heart sing. There are many supports for this approach. Al-Anon, Buddhism, meditation - just to name a few. You'll never solve things by focusing on the problems that another person has. That's just a basic life lesson there.

 

[EdmDaddy]

You do have a choice

"I just feel so pressured to be comfortable with it, even when I’m not! It’s like I don’t have a choice anymore…"

That is typically how one partner feels in a poly relationship, and they feel they should suppress it.

I don't think confronting your boyfriend will make any difference, and you shouldn't just repress your feelings, that won't work for any length of time.

Its probably time to move on.

 

[Marcus]

"I just feel so pressured to be comfortable with it, even when I’m not! It’s like I don’t have a choice anymore…"

That is typically how one partner feels in a poly relationship, and they feel they should suppress it.

This is typical of polyamorous relationships? Can you clarify what you mean by that?

 

[EdmDaddy]

Sure,

I think that when two people who have not been polymorous before start down that road in their relationship:

About 1% of the time, the conversation goes like this
IP - Initiating Partner
OP -Other Partner
IP: Um...I'm not sure how to bring this up, but I really think that monogamy is not for me, and I think we should invite others in
OP: Really, that's great, I was thinking the same thing...ok, here are some rules I think make sense

And, about 99% of the time, its something like this

IP - Um...I'm not sure how to bring this up, but I really think that monogamy is not for me, and I think we should invite others in

OP - Really, why? Are you unhappy with me? Is the sex not good

IP - Its not you, I just really crave the ....

So, in that 99% of cases of couples making the 1st time transition from monogamy to polyamory, one partner (the one who didn't initiated it), feels somewhat obliged, or trapped, into going along with it, thinking that the IP would leave them if they didn't agree.

That has been my experience observing. Now, for the 1%, or 5%, or whatever number you think it is, polyamory can be great. and in some of the other cases, both partners may learn to love polyamory. But I think in a lot of cases one partner just feels that its something they have to go along with, or risk losing the initiating partner altogether.

I could be wrong.

 

[FallenAngelina]

"I just feel so pressured to be comfortable with it, even when I’m not! It’s like I don’t have a choice anymore…"

That is typically how one partner feels in a poly relationship....

No. This is typically how one partner feels when they don't have an equal voice in a relationship, when they feel that what they want doesn't matter or that the other's wants are "bigger" and for whatever reason take precedent. This can only happen when the partner lets him/herself be "smaller" or less important, so just moving on isn't going to address why someone would fail into this role. If CherryPie felt solid about who she is and what she wants, she wouldn't be wrestling with this, she'd either be all in or all out. This isn't "just what happens" in poly relationships or any kind of relationship. This is what happens when someone is self-diminishing her needs or isn't clear about what they are. CherryPie is exploring that and that is why she is in this relationship and asking these questions.

 

[EdmDaddy]

"No. This is typically how one partner feels when they don't have an equal voice in a relationship, when they feel that what they want doesn't matter or that the other's wants are "bigger" and for whatever reason take precedent"

Very well put, and to my point exactly.

It is very common in relationships of all types for one partner to feel more or less important. Not good, but common.

So, adding a poly element to this equation simply makes it more obvious to the "lesser" person in the relationship that the other person feels they want more.

Poly relationships can be great, when both people want the relationship to be poly, and don't feel less than. That's just not what happens most of the time, when one partner in a monogamous relationship introduces the idea of polygamy.

Successful poly relationships require unique people, and can be quite stable. I suppose that same sentence can be said of monogamous relationships to.
But, with two people in a relationship, there is no "escape hatch" for one person, so there is a less likelihood of a feeling of inequality to develop.

In my humble opinion, and in what I've observed.

 

[Ravenscroft]

It's generally not a good thing -- especially in a new all-in relationship -- when someone says "oh, by the way, did I accidentally forget to mention I'm interested in being nonmonogamous?"

This does kinda resemble an abduction. At the very least, it's a bait & switch tactic.

 

[Marcus]

I could be wrong.

The thing I would point out is that your assertion, right or wrong, is speaking for one specific configuration and mindset shared between the two people involved; the configuration is a traditional, coupling, monogamous association.

Within this specific setup, it seems reasonable enough that both people are not likely to progress at exactly the same rate in their own worldview change. As you pointed out, this is true between any two people associated with one another holding traditional coupling as the highest value, regardless of it being monogamous or polyamorous. This brings in to question the core ideology of the traditional coupling configuration far more than it does the change to polyamory.

So I would say you are making a strong case against ideas like traditional coupling, holding longevity as a primary goal, and 'team dating'.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I think that when two people who have not been polymorous before start down that road in their relationship:

About 1% of the time, the conversation goes like this
IP - Initiating Partner
OP -Other Partner
...

And, about 99% of the time, its something like this

I do think that it is important to remember that NOT all poly relationships stem from a formerly monogamous pairing, even though that situation is the one we read about so often (perhaps because it IS a difficult transition to make).

But, everyone who comes to this board at least KNOWs that poly is an option (whether or not they successfully practice it on their first attempt). If people are going into dating with this knowledge, then the convo can go:

IP: I'd like to date you, but you should know that I am looking for nonmonogamous relationships.
OP: I'm poly, I'd like to date you too.

-- then they date and see if they (and their unique takes on nonmonogamy) are a good fit. Remember, EVEN IF two people are poly that does not mean that they will automajickally live happily-ever-after. Even if you are not looking for "The One", you still have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find "One of the Ones"