Doubts! Closing open/poly relationship?

[CherryPie]

This relationship is bringing up a LOT of anxiety around intimacy and sex, both in you and in your BF, CherryPie. That is actually good - it's what love relationships do if there is "stuff" to work out. But you are focussing a tremendous amount on him and his problems, looking either for ways that he can be fixed or for ways that you can contort yourself into the present situation. A supportive, mature, stable relationship allows for exploring intimacy issues (and most of us have them to some extent) within the arms of another who is ready to hold us and sit with us exactly where we are. That your BF can't hold you safely while you explore doesn't mean that he is doing anything wrong, it just says that he can't hold you. What he can do for you is mirror to you what you need to look at and work on in yourself. You will never fix this by focusing on him and his issues, nor will things get better the more you try to embrace a relationship model (poly) that this relationship is simply not stable enough to sustain. The way forward will always and only be found in working on all of the anxiety that this situation brings up in you.

I'm never a fan of "all you can do is break up" because our intimate partners reflect ourselves. Often, the most troubling people turn out to be our most blessed angels, for they illuminate places in us that desperately need the sunlight. If you just break up and don't do the inner work, you roll off onto another who brings out the same thing. There is no such thing as fault in relationships (my opinion, of course.) That's never a helpful way to look at things. There is so much more to be found in taking your focus off of what he is doing and putting it on thinking much more about what you want, what nourishes you, what makes your heart sing. There are many supports for this approach. Al-Anon, Buddhism, meditation - just to name a few. You'll never solve things by focusing on the problems that another person has. That's just a basic life lesson there.

This makes a lot of sense! I never really had a stable and long lasting relationship in the past. In my previous relationship, my partner cheated on me multiple times but I still wanted to work things out. It took me a lot of time to decide that breaking up was the right thing to do because we had a good connection (beside the cheating and lying part). After this, I was single for more than 3 years and I was really happy about it. I could make independent choices, wasn't responsible for my partners feelings, there was no anxiety of being vulnerable or hurt. When I met my current boyfriend, I felt like I was ready for a new relationship, but there are times when I feel like I'm in my previous relationship again. Mostly because of my own uncertainties and anxieties. I really want to work on this, but his emotionally distant behaviour makes it harder for me. We both have issues and problems, and maybe I tried to convince myself that solving his problems would also spontaneously solve mine. I know that I'm a strong and self-reflective person and that I have the ability to improve my own life and well-being. Sometimes it just feels like it's harder to work on this while being in a relationship. I've had three good years while being single and it feels like I did a few steps back since I'm in a relationship again.
So.. how do I work on this? I don't want to break up with him, because I love him very much and it would probably cause the same pattern! I can imagine that I would feel the same way in a different relationship with a different person. Or should I believe that I'll once meet someone who fits me 'perfectly' and helps me to solve these issues? I personally don't think that's healthy or beter! Should I go to therapy?

 

[kdt26417]

Therapy might help.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I tried to convince myself that solving his problems would also spontaneously solve mine. I know that I'm a strong and self-reflective person and that I have the ability to improve my own life and well-being. Sometimes it just feels like it's harder to work on this while being in a relationship.

Firstly, you won't solve his problems and secondly, working on him (in your head) won't bring you closer to working on yourself. Life is a lot easier for some of us while single because there's no intimacy to challenge us - or more pointedly, to scare the crap out of us. I feel for what you're describing and hid in a marriage that was romantically lackluster for me because it was emotionally peaceful. Romance is bloody terrifying, if you ask me, but I'm determined to find peace and deep love. How?

Self-reflection is paramount. So is a willingness to be vulnerable and risk a broken heart. So is a good support network. I find spiritually based yoga and meditation to be essential. I've also newly started going to Al-Anon because I find myself getting all too easily embroiled in concerns over (what I perceive to be) my romantic partner(s) emotional problems. Hyper focus on someone else's problematic life is called co-dependence and alcohol doesn't need to be a factor. It often is, but the dynamic of co-dependency is what you might consider addressing. Wanting to "fix" another person, believing that if he only changed "X" then your life would be good together - that's co-dependency. There are Al-Anon meetings everywhere - they are free and they are frequent. I'm a pretty self-aware person, like you, and I was surprised how very much in a short time that I have gotten out of simply being present in the meetings. Al-Anon is all about taking your focus off of the problem person and putting it on creating a life for yourself, whether that other person changes or not. It's just a great basic life skill that you can learn (or learn to get better at) in a community of people who are being real with each other and who want to make life better. I find it so positive and inspiring - and we hardly talk about alcohol. It's about us, the people who want to get better at intimacy even while we are loving another who isn't an easy person for us.