Feeling devastated

[ksandra]

My nesting partner and I are separating. There are a lot of reasons around why but they mostly have to do with how he has been treating me as a result of being depressed for a long time. I chose to end the relationship but it's been an absolutely brutal process and I have been struggling. Last night I started packing and it was the most awful that I had felt throughout this entire process. I ended up sobbing on the beach near my house for a good couple of hours and was really not doing well emotionally.

Eventually I reached out to my remaining partner. He was having a date night with his wife and normally I don't even text him when he's on a date. That kind of time is super important for his other relationships and I want to be as supportive of that as possible. Tonight I did reach out though, I thought about it for a long time but I was in such a bad place that I really needed some emotional support.

What I was met with was sporadic texts interspersed with long periods of silence and eventually, an hour later, a long one where he basically said he was sorry to disappoint me but we would talk tomorrow afternoon. I feel like the air has been knocked out of me. What this says to me is that this is absolutely a secondary relationship despite numerous assurances it is not and that I cannot expect any support in a crisis.

How do I even address this? Do I have a right to feel upset? He and his wife have been supportive up until now and this is a relatively new relationship but we see each other 2-4 days of the week and my instinct is to back way off and ask for a lot more space so that I can build a support network that will actually be there in a crisis during what has been probably one of the hardest times in my personal life but am I overreacting? I've been up all night thinking about this.

 

[FallenAngelina]

What I was met with was sporadic texts interspersed with long periods of silence and eventually, an hour later, a long one where he basically said he was sorry to disappoint me but we would talk tomorrow afternoon.

How you feel is how you feel, so there's no such thing as overreacting, but his response seems quite supportive, given that your partner was spending scheduled time with a metamor. You are not wrong or right in your feelings, you just would perhaps benefit from an outsider's perspective which is that this partner does want to be there for you and can be there for you - just not that minute. His response doesn't say that you are lower on the totem pole, just that he had an important commitment but would be available for you soon.

My question to you is: where is your existing support network? Who are the friends you had before you met this man? It's a heavy weight to put on a new relationship to be your go-to person in a crisis. Is this bringing up an old issue for you? An (albeit irrational) fear that "nobody is here for me?" This isn't about what you have a right to expect, but a good question to ask yourself is why you see this as a test of whether this partner is here for you and to what degree. Measuring his response as you do says to me that you have quite a bit of fear going on that people will not be there for you when you need them.

I have been in your shoes and feel deeply for your feelings of loss. I also separated from a nesting partner who had severe life long depression and I absolutely understand what you mean when you say that it's a brutal process emotionally, so my comments are offered from a place of appreciation for what I can only imagine you're going through. The most fruitful way forward is for you to remain focused on what all of this brings up for you, which is likely to be old stuff that very much needed to come up and be dealt with. Look to friends, therapist, support groups, spiritually nourishing sources to help you along this path of awareness and discovery and you can't go wrong. Focus on your former nesting partner's issues and focus on who is or isn't there for you in a crisis won't lead you to where you want to go. This crisis is all about what is coming up for you and how your life can improve tremendously as you deal with that.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ksandra,

Sorry your remaining partner could not be there for you when you needed him. I suppose he was torn between you and his wife, he did promise her his time and attention and no doubt he should have realized not all promises can or should be kept, but this was a judgment call and he made the wrong call. I'm not ready to think that he views you as a secondary, even if he unwittingly treated you like one in this case. Try to forgive him, is what I'm saying.

Sorry about your separation with your nesting partner. I can only imagine how painful that must be. I hope the posts here are of some small help for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry about the breaking up. Even if necessary those are never fun.

I'm also sorry that you are disappointed that your other partner was not instantly available. You feel what you feel. But I wouldn't rush to devalue yourself or the relationship.

I would look into other ways to take care of yourself in the future. Like not pack up/break up in the night. Plan for it to be in the day and plan for support people ahead of time rather than calling to ask for it out of the blue.

What I was met with was sporadic texts interspersed with long periods of silence and eventually, an hour later, a long one where he basically said he was sorry to disappoint me but we would talk tomorrow afternoon.

To me it sounds like he did his best on short notice, and he's cleared time to help more very soon -- tomorrow afternoon. He also apologized if this was disappointing for you because you wanted quicker "face time" with him.

What this says to me is that this is absolutely a secondary relationship despite numerous assurances it is not and that I cannot expect any support in a crisis.

He IS giving support. Just not INSTANT support.

Is this the first crisis ever? If so, were you expecting him to be "perfect" at it right from the gate?

How do I even address this? Do I have a right to feel upset?

You can feel upset. People feel what they feel.

The issue is more how you choose to cope with that upset -- what do you want to do about it to prevent/minimize this in future?

He and his wife have been supportive up until now and this is a relatively new relationship but we see each other 2-4 days of the week and my instinct is to back way off and ask for a lot more space so that I can build a support network that will actually be there in a crisis during what has been probably one of the hardest times in my personal life but am I overreacting? I've been up all night thinking about this.

If you are upset because after him, there wasn't more people to call? You find that your current support network is not enough? Then go ahead and work on expanding it so there are other people to call when you hit a crisis. You might also include options for a therapist, a 24 hotline, or a trip to the ER if you are feeling super messed up or like you are having nervous break down.

Are you upset because he wasn't instantly available on short notice? Well...Did he know you were packing up to leave/break up that night? And that you would want/need support from him? Next time you break up with someone, you could plan ahead for your support people to be "on call and available." Let them in on what's happening sooner so the news isn't out of the blue.

To me it sounds like maybe you were underprepared for the break up. But don't neglect your present relationship because you were underprepared.
Were you wanting him to be a mind reader or be some kind of Superman? What were your expectations? Was he aware of them and made agreements to meet them?

To me it sounds like your relationship with him is pretty good. It's relatively new. You see each other 2-4 days a week. He and his wife are supportive. This sounds like the first crisis ever -- and even though he could not see you in person until tomorrow he did make some space to try to text and be there as best as he could even though he was on a date with his wife. He accommodated as best he could on very short notice.

So what would be the reason for "stepping back" from the relationship rather than "leaning into" it so you can learn how to work together better in crisis so future moments like this can roll out better?

I would suggest you deal with one thing at a time. Finish dealing with the break up process. Then later talk to your BF about how you each can help "dealing with a crisis on short notice" go smoother. Then next time one comes up, you aren't taken so off guard.

Galagirl

 

[ArtemisHunt]

I totally understand wanting to pull away, it makes the world make sense, simple, and fits the narrative of what's going.

It's so SO HARD to reach out, trust, be vulnerable when you are already so hurt. Any hint of rejection feels terrible, and in some ways it's easier to push everyone away to protect yourself from possibly feeling that again.

I don't know if your fear in this case is justified. I don't know if letting yourself depend on your boyfriend will work or not, I don't know what kind of relationship it REALLY is.

But I do know that being brave in this is usually the right choice. The reward is worth the risk, if you can manage it.

It does look like you are kind of making your current boyfriend pay the price for the hurts you are experiencing with others. You are sensitive right now, that makes sense, but he's not the one who put you there.


I would tell him that. Be honest that, fair or not, you are going to struggle to not paint him in a bad light. Tell him you had unspoken expectations that night and it really hurt that he couldn't do them.

Then discuss how to avoid those expectations in the future. Ask honestly what you CAN expect from him, what can he give and what he can't. How will you communicate your needs in an emergency like that? What do you think you need from him and what actions can he take to show you he cares? What helps you?

This is your first try and far from a normal situation. It's not the end of the world that it didn't work perfectly the first time. You say so far he's been good, so isn't he/you guys worth trying to figure out how to do this better?

And like others mentioned, set up other forms of support, both things you can do for yourself and other people you can rely on. Have them figured out ahead of time, maybe even written down.(It can be hard to see clearly the solutions when you are in the middle of the darkness).

You don't have to be alone in this, but it's reasonable to expect it will take some effort and thought working with others to get the support that works best for you.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm sorry for your break up

I had two knee-jerk reactions when reading your post.

First, yes, I would be totally disappointed and questioning the relationship if my partner only responded with sporadic texts to a crisis due to being with someone else. Other people are explaining pretty well why maybe that doesn't make sense to expect an instant reaction, but to me, maybe it does -- if the ability to respond to a crisis for you comes way before obligations to other people, that's an incompatibility to be clarified. For me, I would really wish my partner to excuse himself and call me for a few minutes at least in case of a real emergency (and we are speaking about once-in-a-decade crisis, not just some kind of everyday upset).

But, second, your decision to call your partner for support in divorce gave me a cold frown. I thought it would be much more appropriate to call a friend - firstly, because you knew your partner was not to be interrupted this evening, but secondly (and more importantly) because it's really difficult for a partner to support in case of a breakup with another. They have a bunch of their own emotions and interests mixed in and are not detached, just too close to the crisis, to the system breaking apart. Of course, I'm not saying you should not be asking any support and understanding at all -- but I really think you should take as much weight of the divorce from him as possible. He won't escape it, so don't put more on his shoulders than necessary - seek other shoulders wherever possible.

As I said, these are knee-jerk reactions, no absolute truths. Good luck, ksandra