Poly-bomb may have killed our relationship

Let me give you some advice from someone on the other side of the poly-bomb/poly hell stuff..

My wife came to me with something similar, though it was a lot more convoluted that what you describe. She had already entered into an emotional affair, and was wanting to extend that into a non-monogamous relationship.

1. Be open, 100%. She's going to be having a TON of things going through her head, and you're the only one that can answer her... And you need to. You need to be able to give her answers to all the thoughts she's having, and you need to be extremely patient.

2. Be honest, both with yourself and with her. Make sure you know what you actually want... And that's going to take a lot of soul searching, self awareness, and thought on your part. With my wife and I, one of the biggest issues I had was that she couldn't give me a clear answer to what she wanted, and it kept changing. She didn't even know...

3. Don't cheat. Cheating would be non-monogamy without her consent or knowledge. Assure her that will never happen, and that it hasn't. She probably feels like you've betrayed her trust, and feels betrayed that her world isn't the place she thought it was... don't prove that to her.

4. Assure her that she is literally your world.. that she is the most important thing in your life, (if this is the case,) and that this isn't something that will change. That you want to stay with her, but that you have needs that she isn't fulfilling, or can't fulfill.

5. Be kind. Be patient. Be easy with her emotions, because they will be raw as hell... she could be feeling betrayed, lied to, and like she can't trust you. She probably feels like her whole world has been shaken up, and that she doesn't know where she stands in it. I guarantee she is feeling confused and hurt.

6. Acknowledge her feelings. Do not disregard them. Neither of you is, "wrong," in how you feel, you just feel that way.


Lastly, admit to yourself right now that you may be at a relationship ending event. This isn't something that every couple will survive, and non-monogamy isn't something that everyone will be ok with, just like monogamy isn't something that everyone will be ok with. Neither is an ultimate, "right," and neither is better than the other... Both are just relationship models that work for different people.

If you guys want to work through this, I'd personally suggest finding an open minded therapist for relationship counseling... And I highly recommend the Secular Therapist Project for finding a counselor that is not based around religion and will be far more likely to be intelligent and open minded than most of the relationship coaches I've seen. https://www.seculartherapy.org/

Good luck, and I hope you're able to work through this together.
 
Magdlyn:
It's been years since we got passed the point where we recognized that claiming attractive people aren't hot is a damned lie, after which could comment on attractive people without judgement. My favorite is when she points out good looking women (She has some bi tendencies) :)

I can tell with 99.9% certainty that the issue isn't that "she secretly wants other people, but is trying to follow societal norms". I kinda do feel sometimes like she would prefer it if I just cheated and she never found out, but my own dedication to being honest (Policy of Truth :rolleyes:) prevents me from being able to do anything like that; I could never cheat because I'd be going crazy inside knowing what I'm doing is wrong.

dingedheart:
I agree... life is too short, and we only get one. If we can get through this though, marriage is still in the plan. Marriage has never been as important to her as some women, but it has been the end-game the whole time.

And no, we don't have kids yet, we agree that marriage should come first.

Al99:
Even if she agreed to stay with me and allow me to be poly, she has NO interest in being with anyone else, so there's no 'bargaining chip' there... Really the only thing in it for her is my happiness.

Knowing her current stance, and how much she is fighting against the idea, it kinda WOULD piss me off if she took on other partners, after how much s*** she is/has given me; I'd probably see it as revenge instead of "just having fun". However, if she was more into the idea or if I had a secondary who was poly I'd have to accept that as part of her life, and know that I'd have to get over any jealousy issues I might have at that point.

Your list of things your wife did right is incredibly helpful, even if I'm already doing most/all of them, it really is what I needed right now, as some sort of reassurance that I'm handling this correctly.
1 - I feel like I've done a good job so far at reminding her of this. There hasn't been hardly any "What did I do wrong?" type stuff being tossed around. This is about me and she knows it, just shy of the point of making me feel bad for "changing".
2 - I actually used that argument (before reading your post) and it seemed to help her understand my position.
3 - I'm taking every chance to remind her that no one will ever replace her, that she will always come first.
4 - I'm being as patient as I can, as I said at this point we've agreed to wait a month or so and come back when she is more ready, I will NOT force this issue. The only hiccup to that is the occasional anxiety she gets that forces the topic back up :(
5 - I'm the kind of person who can talk about anything all night long, repeating and clarifying if needed. Also I'm fully validating of her completely valid frustrations and emotions; I'm beating myself up inside for putting her through this.
6 - I'm doing my best on this one. I know now is the time where I gotta prove to her how important she is to me.
7 - We're both going the extra mile to be transparent as possible right now. Ex: If I do something that upsets her, she makes sure to let me know so I can stop ASAP.
8 - Like I said, she has no interest in having another partner, but I've made it clear that as long as we talk about it first, she is free to change her mind if she wants.

CTF:
Dude, I'm sorry your relationship path has caused you this much grief, but at this point you basically seem to be saying I should have just cheated and kept it a secret, which is irreprehensible to me.

And yes, given another chance I'd make the choice to tell her every time. Honesty is that important to me.

Btw I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm feeling like shit for putting her through this, I think I've made it clear that I'm already working under the assumption that this is going to end horribly (see the name of the thread) I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm taking responsibility (probably more than enough due to depression) for what we're going through, and I think that you've made your point that it doesn't always work out great in the end. Your advice would be more useful if the decision to tell her had not already been made, but since we're past that point, I ask you nicely to keep your negativity to yourself. I'm here to find out what I can do RIGHT at THIS point, not to be told how badly I f****d up, I get enough of that in my own head.

GalaGirl:
Is it enough for NOW in these first few weeks after sharing the news?
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It could be, but since we've placed a moratorium on the subject for now, that stage will have to wait until she decides what she wants to do. We probably will start at that point if she does stay with me and allow me to see other people.

How are you managing the depression/dark thoughts?
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I've had just under 2 years of therapy and am currently on SNRIs to help, but we're still working on finding the "right" meds for me. Could take a while, takes 2 months for each new med to level out and then find out it doesn't work properly. Really sucks.

I'll definitely check out those links.

sc1975:
Your list is very similar to Al99's, but helps to affirm that I'm doing everything I can at this point to make this as smooth as possible.

Assuming we don't break up, we both agree that we should definitely see a (secular) couples therapist to work through our feelings.
 
It is my opinion...

That this is a deal breaker. Monogamous people will never be happy in polyamorous relationships, and polyamorous people will never be happy in monogamous relationships.

Also, is it 4 years or 14 years? (confused about the time frame here, which could be important). Also, has it occurred to you that people grow and change, and that 17 is an awfully young age to decide who you're going to spend the rest of your life with?

It seems to me that on the SURFACE, you guys' relationship is good, but underneath it all there are serious issues that you have no addressed, and the poly bomb is just exposing them.

All in all, if you stay with her you will be increasingly unfulfilled, and will eventually grow to resent her. She will grow more and more suspicious and constantly suspect you of cheating.

You are not compatible in my view. Also, after all this time, why hasn't she become self supporting enough to be able to stand on her own two feet? That in and of itself is odd to me.
 
Purplesun, I do see the validity of some of your arguments, but I take objection to your assertion that is is "odd" that the OP's wife would have difficulty separating in a financial sense. MANY couple are very enmeshed financially and divorce is, quite often, a financial nightmare. You seem to give the impression that there is something WRONG with her that a divorce would be economically difficult.

I'm an Registered Nurse and I fully admit that divorce would personally come at a great cost. For some it doesn't, but for many it does. That does not indicate a character flaw.

As for the possibility of the relationship working, I have no idea. The wife hasn't posted with her point of view. It's impossible to know what is going on in her head, which make "armchair counseling" very difficult. I wish them luck, no matter how it goes.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
Purplesun, I do see the validity of some of your arguments, but I take objection to your assertion that is is "odd" that the OP's wife would have difficulty separating in a financial sense. MANY couple are very enmeshed financially and divorce is, quite often, a financial nightmare. You seem to give the impression that there is something WRONG with her that a divorce would be economically difficult.

I'm an Registered Nurse and I fully admit that divorce would personally come at a great cost. For some it doesn't, but for many it does. That does not indicate a character flaw.

As for the possibility of the relationship working, I have no idea. The wife hasn't posted with her point of view. It's impossible to know what is going on in her head, which make "armchair counseling" very difficult. I wish them luck, no matter how it goes.
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For one thing, they aren't married. He says that in the OP, that they never got married. Maybe this is just me, but the crux of relationships is that while no one goes into them thinking they will end, I think we all know that most of them do at some point or another. Therefore, the responsible thing to do is to try and have some kind of exit strategy. The idea of leaving the only home she's ever had in more than a decade because of a relationship ending is pretty odd to me. Again, maybe that's just me, though. The idea of my financial security and the very roof over my head being tied to the success of a romantic relationship is downright terrifying to me. Again, that's just me, though. So, yes, personally, I find it odd.

I wish them luck too, but this was seemingly a thread asking for opinions, so I gave mine.
 
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CoolName said:
CTF:
Dude, I'm sorry your relationship path has caused you this much grief, but at this point you basically seem to be saying I should have just cheated and kept it a secret, which is irreprehensible to me.

And yes, given another chance I'd make the choice to tell her every time. Honesty is that important to me.

Btw I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm feeling like shit for putting her through this, I think I've made it clear that I'm already working under the assumption that this is going to end horribly (see the name of the thread) I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm taking responsibility (probably more than enough due to depression) for what we're going through, and I think that you've made your point that it doesn't always work out great in the end. Your advice would be more useful if the decision to tell her had not already been made, but since we're past that point, I ask you nicely to keep your negativity to yourself. I'm here to find out what I can do RIGHT at THIS point, not to be told how badly I f****d up, I get enough of that in my own head.
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Look, I didn't mean to strike a nerve, and I most definitely never said , explicitly or implicitly, that you should have cheated. The point was very simply, that if your gf is anything like me, it would have been a better alternative than ever dropping the bomb. Now, my wife used the same line ("I just wanted to be honest with you")... The problem is, that it has nothing to do with being honest, unless you're hinting that that's the road you want to go down in a relationship dynamic. Otherwise, you're "honesty" serves no purpose other than to hurt. Is it really better to tell Grandma that you think the sweater she gave you was the ugliest thing you've seen? Honesty is important right? I can tell you with 1000% certainty that that's the level of honesty you gave your gf.

But alright, fair enough... you want to know how to right the ship, knowing how she feels about poly... I'll make it simple coming from someone who can wrap his head around her thought process... Let it go. Don't just put of the poly discussion for a month, put it off forever if you plan to stay with her. If she is not happily embracing the idea by now, there's 1 in a million chance that she ever will. However, if you do feel that it's something you have to have, then do the kind thing to her & let her go. She's NEVER going to reach compersion... besides, the whole "if she gives me the freedom & makes me happy will benefit her because I'll admire her more" nonsense is a naive fantasy. It's also an extremely disrespectful & unloving way to behave towards her. I get that you feel like shit for hurting her... but what baffles me is that you knew you were going t hurt her, had the choice not to, and did it anyway, and given the chance to redo, you'd make the same choice!? I really fail to see the logic in that, unless you were hoping to change her too by bending into a relationship model that clearly didn't fit her.

And if you don't want to deal with my negativity on the subject, no worries.... you don't have to. But you are going to have to deal with her negativity. So tread lightly.
 
Well ..It's about honest information, Acceptance, choice,... And growing

Thanks CTF for your point of view! I don't disagree... At this stage it's not about agreement or disagreement​.....It's about honest information exchange... Given time to understand.... Coming to terms... And decision. Then practice.

Good luck to the couple! Whatever they may choose.

Definitely isn't about hiding anything at this stage
 
I've got to disagree with CTF again, here.


I believe in honesty in relationships and that true intimacy is having the ability to be fully yourself and known. It means not having to hide. Withholding a part of yourself, even if you think it's to protect a person, puts a distance between you and takes away her ability to make choices based on reality.

Don't let anyone convince you that honesty and tact are mutually exclusive, (common excuse for deceit). Or that sharing the truth (rather than the truth itself) is hurtful act.

I know you give yourself grief for revealing this to her, but consider this:
How can you love what you don't know?

This is a part of you, how you feel and think and see the world. Even if you find you never need to act on it, you have shared more of yourself with your partner. You understand each other more.

If she is not willing to be accepting of YOU, (actually acting on poly is a separate issue) then you need to know.

Can you imagine if she isn't accepting and you hid it?

Basically you would be tricking her into staying in relationship with a person she wouldn't accept if she knew the truth. You'd spend the rest of your life wondering if she REALLY loved you or the facade you put up. Every day you would know you have this dark secret and if she ever found out you could be rejected. Further, you'd be suppressing any chance of expressing that part and moving as fully authentically as you can.

That sounds like a pretty shitty life and an unhealthy relationship strategy to me.

The fact that you have a desire that she doesn't immediately share or even understand is no crime.
 
ArtemisHunt said:
I've got to disagree with CTF again, here.


I believe in honesty in relationships and that true intimacy is having the ability to be fully yourself and known. It means not having to hide. Withholding a part of yourself, even if you think it's to protect a person, puts a distance between you and takes away her ability to make choices based on reality.

Don't let anyone convince you that honesty and tact are mutually exclusive, (common excuse for deceit). Or that sharing the truth (rather than the truth itself) is hurtful act.

I know you give yourself grief for revealing this to her, but consider this:
How can you love what you don't know?

This is a part of you, how you feel and think and see the world. Even if you find you never need to act on it, you have shared more of yourself with your partner. You understand each other more.

If she is not willing to be accepting of YOU, (actually acting on poly is a separate issue) then you need to know.

Can you imagine if she isn't accepting and you hid it?

Basically you would be tricking her into staying in relationship with a person she wouldn't accept if she knew the truth. You'd spend the rest of your life wondering if she REALLY loved you or the facade you put up. Every day you would know you have this dark secret and if she ever found out you could be rejected. Further, you'd be suppressing any chance of expressing that part and moving as fully authentically as you can.

That sounds like a pretty shitty life and an unhealthy relationship strategy to me.

The fact that you have a desire that she doesn't immediately share or even understand is no crime.
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I'm not posting these concepts with the expectation that most are going to agree. Especially on this site. However, I would also have to disagree with you to a degree as well. If we know some nugget of information is going to hurt him/her, then we must FULLY accept the consequences of choosing what we disclose. I keep hearing that mantra about "honesty" & knowing the "full me/you", yet these same people generally ignore who their partner is, and what they need by not learning to bear the burden themselves. Some folks know, unequivocally, that their partner is mono. They know how devastated their partner would be to know that a decades long relationship means just as much as someone they barely know.

Was it a crime to disclose it even if there the poly partner could be perfectly happy never acting on it? No. Personally, I find that they only say that for damage control... but I digress... is it necessary to come out to a partner when you can be happy keeping a mono life? Hell no. The ONLY thing accomplished here, was a devastated mono partner, and an end to a relationship likely imminent. This whole nonsense about love being defined as total freedom & acceptance is completely untrue. Relationships are about sacrifice just as much as they are about love. No one's talking about lying in any way shape or form. But don't treat the mono partner as being unreasonable for putting up a boundary that they never want to discuss it. Hell, you don't see poly folks bellyaching when they have don't ask/don't tell policies in their relationships.
 
Putting up a facade, hiding your feelings and thoughts, pretending to be something you are not are not healthy sacrifices. That does not foster love and connection.

It only avoids conflict. The non poly partner deserves to know the truth of how their partner sees and values them, even if they don't like the truth. To hide it is to live a lie.
 
CTF said:
Hell, you don't see poly folks bellyaching when they have don't ask/don't tell policies in their relationships.
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Really? I see this a fair amount here, and moreso at the poly discussions that I have been to. One of the reasons why many of the posters here consider DADT to be a "dangerous" way to approach poly.

Love being defined as "total freedom" maybe not, but "acceptance" YES, PLEASE:rolleyes:. There may be aspects of myself and my personality that my partner(s) doesn't really appreciate, and may actively dislike, but they have to "accept" it, because that is part and parcel of who I actually am. They can request that I modify my BEHAVIOUR but I am not a fairytale princess of perfection (and I don't expect my partner to be a knight in shining armour on a white horse:D). I am an actual human person with my own preferences, strengths and faults. If YOU want ME to change to fit some sort of ideal, then what you love is the IDEA of me and not my actual self.
 
ArtemisHunt said:
Putting up a facade, hiding your feelings and thoughts, pretending to be something you are not are not healthy sacrifices. That does not foster love and connection.

It only avoids conflict. The non poly partner deserves to know the truth of how their partner sees and values them, even if they don't like the truth. To hide it is to live a lie.
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If the urges are really that strong, then the urges exist to carry through with it. In which case, I would agree that telling their partner is the fair thing to do, just don't expect him/her to stick around.

But we're not talking about putting up a facade... if said poly partner is perfectly happy living the mono life, then there's no pretending to be anything. If the the goal is to tell than for no other reason than to claim honesty (= alleviate guilt), and it's known the devastation it caused when there are zero plans to carry it forward, then we're talking about a complete lack of respect for the mono partner. You're right about the mono partner deserving to see how the poly partner values them... and by telling them something so unnecessary, yet so hurtful, while knowing the likely impact, it shows how little they truly value them.

Look, I don't expect you to get where I'm coming from. But just because someone's honest about their desires, doesn't mean that their loved ones appreciate, or condone those desires. Like I said before, this situation usually only shifts the burden of pain onto the other partner. Amd often, telling that partner ends up being justified as though they're acting courteous to them, when they're really just trying make themselves feel better.

But whatever... everyone can just do as they wish... just don't be shocked when those they claim to love so much, choose to bail because they can't handle the stress & anguish of not being enough. Which you know as well as I do is exactly the truth. Otherwise, they wouldn't feel that way (poly) in the first place... it's kind of odd though... that's one "truth" these newly found poly folk never want to reveal to their partners. So I guess it's a selective truth.
 
You are right, you can as you wish. I'm very sorry your partners feelings towards you are not what you thought and that knowing that hurts you. I understand how you would wish it wasn't true, and lacking that wish you were still under the mistaken assumption you had before.

But yes, it is facade you wish your partner maintained: "an outward appearance that is maintained to conceal a less pleasant or creditable reality." So you could believe she was and felt something she wasn't. It's ok to say you prefer that.

I'd hazard to guess you'd really just prefer her revelation wasn't true, that you were truly compatible.

Not everyone who is shocked and hurt by the initial bomb is unable to accept it. It's a pretty big concept to wrap your head around. And not everyone who announces it feels guilty they are that way. It can lead (I've seen it) to more trust, closeness, and honesty after working through it.

I believe you when you say it will never be the case for you. If it's thing to work for the poster, he is doing it the right way. If he wants a relationship with a person who will accept who he us with no secrets and is truly compatible, this is how it is done.
 
CTF said:
If the urges are really that strong, then the urges exist to carry through with it. In which case, I would agree that telling their partner is the fair thing to do, just don't expect him/her to stick around.
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ArtemisHunt said:
I believe you when you say it will never be the case for you. If it's thing to work for the poster, he is doing it the right way. If he wants a relationship with a person who will accept who he us with no secrets and is truly compatible, this is how it is done.
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This. CTF, you realize that you have one huge IF in your reasoning, yet you keep asserting it on other people that the mono partner is irreversibly hurt by disclusure. While I sympathize, I see your case as rather extreme. Please check your assumptions before starting this discussion in someone elses thread again.
 
I don't see that CTF is saying that all mono partners feel as he does, but I do see that he makes a good point that the poly community holds up "honesty" as a kind of golden key to happiness in relationships because total intimacy and personal freedom are top priority in poly. CTF's contribution to this forum is the reminder that in monogamy, monogamy itself is the priority. So it's true that when one partner drops the poly bomb, as we call it, the mono partner often does feel bombed - the relationship irreparably shattered. Not every single mono partner is going to have this response. We see examples all the time and we have members in our forum community who have come to embrace a mono/poly partnership or who have both opened to poly. But those people are the grand exception. Most monogamous people find poly intolerable and they wouldn't say that they are compromising their intimacy by hiding their feelings for others, they's say that they are being responsible and prioritizing their relationship, which is the entire point of monogamy.

I suppose that what CTF has to say would be seen as "negative" by the CoolName, since the CoolName is dealing with a lot of guilt. To my view, the problem is not that CTF reminds us that "honesty" indeed often does permanently damage a relationship, but that CoolName is heaping way more guilt upon himself than need be. He's taking on his partner's feelings. Dare I raise the co-dependent red flag here? Really. You've already way "out-performed" in relation to the duration of most teen romances, yet you feel extraordinary guilt for "killing" your 14 year relationship. Discovering, growing and moving on to other partners is the norm when we're young and you're feeling heaps of guilt about it. Why? I'd venture to guess that this is not the first time you've taken on way more than your own part in a situation.

In any case, very interesting and valuable discussion. I always appreciate CTF's contributions because they keep us out of the poly-think bubble and remind us that there is often a very different and valid way of looking at what's important in relationships when we give out advice to poly-mono couples.
 
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I agree that CTF has valuable insight from the mono partner's point of view. Really, much of what is being posted her is purely based on assumption, because we have no input from CoolName's SO.
 
FallenAngelina said:
I don't see that CTF is saying that all mono partners feel as he does, but I do see that he makes a good point that the poly community holds up "honesty" as a kind of golden key to happiness in relationships because total intimacy and personal freedom are top priority in poly. CTF's contribution to this forum is the reminder that in monogamy, monogamy itself is the priority. So it's true that when one partner drops the poly bomb, as we call it, the mono partner often does feel bombed - the relationship irreparably shattered. Not every single mono partner is going to have this response. We see examples all the time and we have members in our forum community who have come to embrace a mono/poly partnership or who have both opened to poly. But those people are the grand exception. Most monogamous people find poly intolerable and they wouldn't say that they are compromising their intimacy by hiding their feelings for others, they's say that they are being responsible and prioritizing their relationship, which is the entire point of monogamy.

I suppose that what CTF has to say would be seen as "negative" by the CoolName, since the CoolName is dealing with a lot of guilt. To my view, the problem is not that CTF reminds us that "honesty" indeed often does permanently damage a relationship, but that CoolName is heaping way more guilt upon himself than need be. He's taking on his partner's feelings. Dare I raise the co-dependent red flag here? Really. You've already way "out-performed" in relation to the duration of most teen romances, yet you feel extraordinary guilt for "killing" your 14 year relationship. Discovering, growing and moving on to other partners is the norm when we're young and you're feeling heaps of guilt about it. Why? I'd venture to guess that this is not the first time you've taken on way more than your own part in a situation.

In any case, very interesting and valuable discussion. I always appreciate CTF's contributions because they keep us out of the poly-think bubble and remind us that there is often a very different and valid way of looking at what's important in relationships when we give out advice to poly-mono couples.
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Thank you so much for saying that. For a while, I wasn't sure if my points were getting through to much of anyone.

You're exactly right. I'm not saying that my opinions are indicative of all mono folks. I can only speak for myself. However, I do find it important for all involved to understand what could happen. None of us knows Coolname's gf. Only he does. We could all speculate on what he should or shouldn't do or say, but in reality, he since he knows her better, I was merely trying to get him to understand that he needs to use his knowledge of her feelings & how she might react when making the decision of what to say, when to say it, or even if to say it.

Words do have consequences, and just because they may be true, it doesn't make the situation immune to devastation or irreparable damage. And when someone makes the choice to speak up, they must accept the consequences that come as a result.

Now, I don't know what type of conversations they had about the subject prior to him dropping the bomb. But he did state that he knew she'd be against it. That right there should have been abundantly clear that if he drops the bomb, it could end their relationship. And so he chose to do it anyway... and now he feels guilty, when he could have avoided it. It's obvious she's not going to embrace poly happily, so either they split, or he remains monogamous. Which he had to know were the only options from the beginning.

In my circumstance, I told my wife months before, that if she had any inclinations, that I wouldn't want to know. It wasn't my cup of tea, and it's the last image I'd ever want to have floating in my mind... and she brought up anyway, which tells me that she didn't care enough about my feelings to listen to this one simple request. She knew I'd never consent, and so she had the same choice as Coolname. Either remain monogamous or split up. And she claimed the same honesty excuse too. So when the topic is brought up despite knowing there's going to be heavy fallout, it shows more of a lack of concern for his/her partner than a show of concern.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
I agree that CTF has valuable insight from the mono partner's point of view. Really, much of what is being posted her is purely based on assumption, because we have no input from CoolName's SO.
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And I think that's why I'm drawn so much to this topic. We don't have her point of view, but based on everything he has said about her, it feels like my situation all over again.
 
"If only I could have taken the blue pill ..."
 
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