Poly-bomb may have killed our relationship
- Thread starter CoolName
- Start date
MockingJay
New member
Hey CoolName,
Sorry I didn't have time to read all 4 pages of conversation on this topic, so someone may have covered this already. But I wanted to chime in because not long ago, I was in almost EXACTLY the same place as your girlfriend.
I am a monogamous person, my wife dropped the poly bomb on me but had not let anything happen beforehand, because she is too honest and loyal. Reading your introduction post, that could have been written by her.
Having to deal with the poly bomb is not easy and it takes time, but it is possible that your GF could come to accept it as who you are. I've had ups and downs to the point where I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it too, and almost wanted to end our relationship because of it.
Give her time to study polyamory. Go very slowly and definitely do not pursue anyone until she is ready to accept it. It sounds like you are doing everything the right way, just stick to it, keep reassuring her, explain that she will be your primary and nothing can change that.
It's very difficult, but don't listen to anyone that says mono/poly relationships can't happen. What's important is the lasting memories and relationship you have built with someone for 10+ years. What I've come to realize is that I'd rather continue to build those memories and a life together with my wife, no matter what that entails, especially something as trivial as having her date other guys if that makes her happy. I'll be okay knowing that I will always be her home.
Sorry I didn't have time to read all 4 pages of conversation on this topic, so someone may have covered this already. But I wanted to chime in because not long ago, I was in almost EXACTLY the same place as your girlfriend.
I am a monogamous person, my wife dropped the poly bomb on me but had not let anything happen beforehand, because she is too honest and loyal. Reading your introduction post, that could have been written by her.
Having to deal with the poly bomb is not easy and it takes time, but it is possible that your GF could come to accept it as who you are. I've had ups and downs to the point where I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it too, and almost wanted to end our relationship because of it.
Give her time to study polyamory. Go very slowly and definitely do not pursue anyone until she is ready to accept it. It sounds like you are doing everything the right way, just stick to it, keep reassuring her, explain that she will be your primary and nothing can change that.
It's very difficult, but don't listen to anyone that says mono/poly relationships can't happen. What's important is the lasting memories and relationship you have built with someone for 10+ years. What I've come to realize is that I'd rather continue to build those memories and a life together with my wife, no matter what that entails, especially something as trivial as having her date other guys if that makes her happy. I'll be okay knowing that I will always be her home.
Al99
Well-known member
Well said, FallenAngelina. As a polybomb survivor, I most definitely understand CTF's pov. While I have adapted to poly after my wife asked me to open up our marriage for her to explore her feelings about an old college bf (now her current poly bf), and did indeed experience a paradigm shift that allowed me to wrap my ahead around the poly viewpoint - and even experience some true compersion, nevertheless - as I have stated several times- poly would still not be my first choice.
Pivotal to the discussion is the respective view of individuals and relationships (especially marriage) in regard to mono and poly.
It has been my observation that poly seems to hold the individual as more important than the relationship. Such phrases as "authentic to one's self" seem to be mantras - and, I believe, that this concept is one of the two principles that "More Than Two" stresses - that the person is more important than the relationship. This is a valid belief and value judgment, but necessarily subjective, and neither superior or inferior to other value systems.
Mono places more emphasis on the importance of the relationship - again, especially marriage. While most mono folks would agree that abuse should not be tolerated, many also would pause at the idea that they should walk away because they are not feeling fully actualized - that the commitment made to the relationship should be honored, especially if children are involved. It is worth noting, in response to the idea that the actualization of individual should not be compromised, that there are a great many who believe that such actualization is an internal affair, and it is really not even truly valid unless it can be experienced regardless of external circumstances.
In contrast to the poly emphasis on individual expression at the cost of honoring relationship values, mono folks might tend to view such an outlook as hedonistic and self-centered. But then, the mono's would be incorrect as well - since they are seeking to impose their value judgement - since both viewpoints are subjective value judgments, with neither being intrinsically superior to the other.
A couple more cents for this valuable discussion.
Last edited:
Very true. Unfortunately, too few people see the value in having just a plain ol' boring life. Personally, it's all I ever wanted. Sure, I've had to deal with adversity, but why bring it unnecessarily?
Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
dingedheart
Well-known member
IMO the topic of honesty is very subjective. If it relates to poly bomb throwing yes of course we need to be true to oneself. If it's related to direct comparative questions posed to a poly spouse acting under the influence of NRE then brutal honesty serves no purpose. Then spin, word games and privacy are used.
When's the last time you heard someone say is an incredible lover hands down way better techincally in terms of creativity, energy and stamina. No the stock answer is she or he is just different or that's private I'm not going to talk about that. The question of who's funnier / more interesting / just all around more interesting to be around that's not going to be answered honestly if it's NOT the spouse. The general argument is why needlessly kick someone who's already struggling when there's no real upside.
My opinion is I'm all for honesty and I'd rather hear the hard truth than it being withheld or sugar coated and all 100% of the time not when it suits an agenda.
A quick example from my early beginnings was few weeks into my wife's dating experience she suggested we have a " date night " . Generally we had just played such things by ear on the weekends that kids sports, her work events/ travel or my work projects didn't conflict. Her idea was a week night . The logic being that night presented the least amount of conflicts.....( in hindsight ) one could argue it left the weekend more open other dating. Ok this sounds proactive, attentive, smart BUT as it turns out not really honest. It was a suggestion from a forum or article of things that help. The problem was her head and heart weren't at all into what she suggested. Her idea / her suggestion and yet she really would have preferred to be home alone texting or emailing her BF. This isn't some one off situation I've seen many threads here suggesting faking it til you make it. Why ? Why not be honest.
When's the last time you heard someone say is an incredible lover hands down way better techincally in terms of creativity, energy and stamina. No the stock answer is she or he is just different or that's private I'm not going to talk about that. The question of who's funnier / more interesting / just all around more interesting to be around that's not going to be answered honestly if it's NOT the spouse. The general argument is why needlessly kick someone who's already struggling when there's no real upside.
My opinion is I'm all for honesty and I'd rather hear the hard truth than it being withheld or sugar coated and all 100% of the time not when it suits an agenda.
A quick example from my early beginnings was few weeks into my wife's dating experience she suggested we have a " date night " . Generally we had just played such things by ear on the weekends that kids sports, her work events/ travel or my work projects didn't conflict. Her idea was a week night . The logic being that night presented the least amount of conflicts.....( in hindsight ) one could argue it left the weekend more open other dating. Ok this sounds proactive, attentive, smart BUT as it turns out not really honest. It was a suggestion from a forum or article of things that help. The problem was her head and heart weren't at all into what she suggested. Her idea / her suggestion and yet she really would have preferred to be home alone texting or emailing her BF. This isn't some one off situation I've seen many threads here suggesting faking it til you make it. Why ? Why not be honest.
Last edited:
Shaya
New member
With regards to the opening post, my wife feels the stress of the poly bomb in this case may have highlighted other stressors in the relationship. My wife wonders if what your wife is going through is insecurity and fear that you are going to desert her for another woman. As someone on this forum in a different context said rather poetically, perhaps your wife fears that polyamory will be the soft transition to serial monogamy.
I have no idea if my wife's hunch is right. Practicing polyamory (or even talking about practicing it) seems to have a way of working it's way into the smallest chinks in the armor of a couple's security and widening the existing cracks. Things that were not issues before suddenly become large topics of discussion.
Besides fearing that you were going to sire 100 children with 100 different women, which I suspect was a fear she had out of shock on the first day of revelation, what do you think are the reasons why your wife and you are arguing more? You don't have to give specific examples if you're not comfortable doing that, but in broad generalisations, do you think it's insecurity in the relationship? Loss of trust in you? Adaptation to change of personality in a man she thought she knew? Fear or phobia involving change of any sort? Highlighting of underlying or preexisting relationship issues? Fear of growing older or fear of loss of beauty manifesting as a fear of poly because poly may allow you to find other younger or more beautiful women (in essence, a fear of losing the most important source in the world who thinks she's beautiful)?
Depending on why she is feeling the way she is feeling, your approach may have to be different and without us understanding why, some of the advice we give may be incorrect or even bad advice.
I have no idea if my wife's hunch is right. Practicing polyamory (or even talking about practicing it) seems to have a way of working it's way into the smallest chinks in the armor of a couple's security and widening the existing cracks. Things that were not issues before suddenly become large topics of discussion.
Besides fearing that you were going to sire 100 children with 100 different women, which I suspect was a fear she had out of shock on the first day of revelation, what do you think are the reasons why your wife and you are arguing more? You don't have to give specific examples if you're not comfortable doing that, but in broad generalisations, do you think it's insecurity in the relationship? Loss of trust in you? Adaptation to change of personality in a man she thought she knew? Fear or phobia involving change of any sort? Highlighting of underlying or preexisting relationship issues? Fear of growing older or fear of loss of beauty manifesting as a fear of poly because poly may allow you to find other younger or more beautiful women (in essence, a fear of losing the most important source in the world who thinks she's beautiful)?
Depending on why she is feeling the way she is feeling, your approach may have to be different and without us understanding why, some of the advice we give may be incorrect or even bad advice.
Last edited:
While I can see why some would think that, I don't think I'd say that's quite the case. When you get down to it, the ONLY true difference between mono & poly, is the number of participants in the relationship. And while I do think that being in a loving relationship, you're part of something bigger than yourself, the same holds true whether it's 2, 3, 4 or even more people involved. And I do believe that loving someone means that you care more about them, than you do yourself. That being said, I think the concept of "unconditional love" is a flat out myth.
I won't speak for all monos, but it's less about a value judgment, and more about matching ideals. And I would assume the same goes with poly. We seek partners we're compatible with. With some it's over religion, with others it's relationship dynamics, and hell, with some it's even music, careers, or hobbies/activities.
WhatHappened
Active member
Having read plenty on groups strictly for the monos in a poly/mono relationship, I believe that most ARE very hurt by it. Regardless, he's answering Cool Name's initial post, giving what I believe (from 5 years of nearly daily reading here and elsewhere, including on monos in mono/poly relationships groups) is a very realistic possibility, that many, many relationships do not survive the poly bomb and the attempt to change the ground rules under which the relationship started.
As this is a public board, CTF is quite free to add his thoughts to a public discussion.
InfinitePossibility
New member
This is a fascinating discussion. I have no idea how I'd feel if a long term partner revealed something to me after such a long time together. I suspect that if the something revealed was something I found challenging, along with the concern about that, I'd also worry about what else was being hidden and I would probably feel lied to. It would be a lot to take on and I know I'd need a long time to think about it and sort it all through.
From a poly point of view, while I have never had a partner's desire for poly revealed to me after years of being together, I do have a partner who is living a mono life with me when he would prefer to be actively poly. Back when we were still friends, I knew his preference and said that I found the idea interesting and would look into it. He was very encouraging. He was so enthusiastic about poly, feeling that it is the best way to go about romantic relationships.
My preference is to be solo. Not solo poly - just solo. I've always been independent. Never married because I don't approve of marriage. The last time I had no partner, I had about 7 blissful and challenging years of learning new skills, meeting new people and finding a new life. No interest in romance and while I did miss sex, I didn't miss it enough to go to the effort of finding somebody.
When I dug into poly and open relationships, spoke to people, went to talks and found this wonderful, inclusive forum, the more I learned, the more trapped I felt when I considered it. The endless juggling, processing feelings, talking about relationships, trying to make sure that there is enough time, space and energy for everybody - I cannot bear the thought of it. The opportunity to find additional sex partners no more interests me than it did when I was solo - yes sometimes it seems like a great idea but not consistently long enough to want to do anything about it.
The thought of doing that so that my partner can be happier makes me shudder. I'm not a 1950s housewife who'll put myself aside to make my man happier. Don't get me wrong. I want him to be happy and I put large efforts into helping him be happy but I won't do it at the expense of my own mental health.
Similarly, the idea that having a crush on somebody means anything of importance to me is bizarre. I'm always having crushes on people and my partner frequently falls in love with women he meets. To me, that's just a normal part of being a human being. It doesn't mean that following these feelings is something I want to be part of.
So I concluded that I wasn't interested in non monogamy. There is nothing in my life I want to give up in order to make space for it - and the learning it would entail. So when my partner went from being a FWB to being a partner, it was with the understanding that we would be mono.
Of course that may change. He could easily meet somebody amazing who's open to the idea of poly and decide to start a relationship with that person. In which case, I'd be sad but he and I could go back to being friends. Or he could feel a larger desire for non-monogamy and tell me he isn't willing to live without it. Again - then he and I could go back to being friends.
To my mind, poly is a ton of work and hassle along with all the joy and excitement and fun and people who do it need to really want to do it in order to make it a success.
If I were approached about it by somebody else, I'd be wanting to know where they were finding the time and the energy. What lifestyle did they lead that allowed them so much spare time and energy? And were they committed to that in the long term or was this just something to fill a brief period of being bored?
Interesting conversation.
IP
From a poly point of view, while I have never had a partner's desire for poly revealed to me after years of being together, I do have a partner who is living a mono life with me when he would prefer to be actively poly. Back when we were still friends, I knew his preference and said that I found the idea interesting and would look into it. He was very encouraging. He was so enthusiastic about poly, feeling that it is the best way to go about romantic relationships.
My preference is to be solo. Not solo poly - just solo. I've always been independent. Never married because I don't approve of marriage. The last time I had no partner, I had about 7 blissful and challenging years of learning new skills, meeting new people and finding a new life. No interest in romance and while I did miss sex, I didn't miss it enough to go to the effort of finding somebody.
When I dug into poly and open relationships, spoke to people, went to talks and found this wonderful, inclusive forum, the more I learned, the more trapped I felt when I considered it. The endless juggling, processing feelings, talking about relationships, trying to make sure that there is enough time, space and energy for everybody - I cannot bear the thought of it. The opportunity to find additional sex partners no more interests me than it did when I was solo - yes sometimes it seems like a great idea but not consistently long enough to want to do anything about it.
The thought of doing that so that my partner can be happier makes me shudder. I'm not a 1950s housewife who'll put myself aside to make my man happier. Don't get me wrong. I want him to be happy and I put large efforts into helping him be happy but I won't do it at the expense of my own mental health.
Similarly, the idea that having a crush on somebody means anything of importance to me is bizarre. I'm always having crushes on people and my partner frequently falls in love with women he meets. To me, that's just a normal part of being a human being. It doesn't mean that following these feelings is something I want to be part of.
So I concluded that I wasn't interested in non monogamy. There is nothing in my life I want to give up in order to make space for it - and the learning it would entail. So when my partner went from being a FWB to being a partner, it was with the understanding that we would be mono.
Of course that may change. He could easily meet somebody amazing who's open to the idea of poly and decide to start a relationship with that person. In which case, I'd be sad but he and I could go back to being friends. Or he could feel a larger desire for non-monogamy and tell me he isn't willing to live without it. Again - then he and I could go back to being friends.
To my mind, poly is a ton of work and hassle along with all the joy and excitement and fun and people who do it need to really want to do it in order to make it a success.
If I were approached about it by somebody else, I'd be wanting to know where they were finding the time and the energy. What lifestyle did they lead that allowed them so much spare time and energy? And were they committed to that in the long term or was this just something to fill a brief period of being bored?
Interesting conversation.
IP
Wow this thread is POPPIN o.o
PurpleSun:
14 years this June.
Yes, people change, especially over such a long time. But I don't see this as a change in myself, only in how I identify or present myself. I wasn't aware of the term polyamory until 2-3 years ago, and I didn't really learn about it until about 6 months ago. I've been essentially lying to her our entire relationship by hiding my true self out of both a desire to not rock the boat, and because I thought those desires were inherently wrong. This constant 'lie' has caused internal torment, because I don't want to be 'hiding' anything from my s/o, and because I couldn't figure out why I couldn't just change my way of thinking and not for lack of trying.
Sure we have issues, like any long-term couple, but it would take a therapist to find any 'serious issues' that we haven't addressed. We are both aware of our shortcomings and strive to better ourselves daily. I'd say the problem isn't our relationship, but rather her fear(s) of what this means for us. She is likely afraid that she will not get the attention she deserves, or that she will be replaced, or that we will have to break up, etc. Unfortunately I won't have any more specificity than that until we talk about this further.
A part of why I felt the need to express these desires to her is to avoid that 'unfulfilled' feeling that could cause resentment, because I know that is certainly possible.
She and I have had very bad luck with our job situations over the years, every time we get back on our feet something comes along and knocks us back down. Good jobs lost, cars wrecked with only liability so there's no $$ for another, medical issues, we can't seem to catch a break. But I have never gotten the impression that she only stays during hard times for the roof over her head...
Personally I feel like developing an "exit strategy" is planning for failure, basically presuming that the relationship is already doomed. I'm more the type to keep fighting until the ship is at the bottom of the ocean; I feel that as long as you haven't given up, you haven't lost yet.
CTF:
. Asking yourself "Does she really love me if she doesn't know something so big about me?", wondering "Would she still love me if she knew?", every single day for 14 years. I technically did try your way, and it was mentally unhealthy for me.
My honesty served several purposes (in no particular order);
For her to know me fully, because I believe that is part of a healthy relationship.
For me to stop beating myself up for 'lying' or 'hiding' things.
To see if maybe we can change the dynamic if she can find compersion, or if that is not an option.
For her to understand some of my actions over the years, such as suddenly distancing myself from specific people.
...And many more!
But among the list, you'll note there is not "I felt like hurting her feelings". Now, if you had said "Your honesty did nothing more than hurt her" you might have been more accurate. Maybe in the end that's all that my honesty will have done But that isn't what you said, and it's those little differences that make you come off as negative. While you may have some insight as to my GFs side of this matter, you seem to be lacking in any understanding of my own side, which I think may be tied to your disagreements in your own relationship. Either you don't really understand why your GF did what she did, or you are imprinting what she did onto me, which again is probably why you come off as negative. Cause I didn't screw up your relationship... but you don't seem to mind having the tone that I did. Your difference in tone when replying to me vs your tone when replying to others is astounding and I cannot find any other reason for it.
That I'm not accepting that there could be massive consequences? I'm not blame-shifting. I'm not denying that what I did caused pain. I'm not saying that 'it's all okay' and that 'I haven't done anything wrong'. You've either misinterpreted what I've said as being more similar to your situation than it really is, or you are triggered by the similarities that do exist.
If I don't like the sweater, and I don't want to her her feelings, I can just goodwill that shitty sweater and move on with my life How much harm does it do me to keep that secret from my grandma? Now, how much harm does it do me to continue lying to my s/o forever? How much harm will it do if I get caught cheating down the line, instead of breaking up now if those desires are that strong? You're making a disastrous equation between a 'white lie' and 'hiding a possibly major part of yourself from your s/o'.
I'm certainly not saying that you have no right to tell your story, I do appreciate getting all versions of the mono side of this issue. However I didn't come here to argue, I came here for advice on what I need to be doing now that I told her. No one can change the past, dwelling on it is pointless. And endlessly telling someone who has anxiety and depression that they have fucked up so bad they can never fix it is just cruel
ArtemisHunt & JaneQSmythe:
I couldn't agree more, every word. These are the exact points I went through in my own head before deciding to move forward in any way
FallenAngelina:
I do this outside of my relationship, I do this when I'm the only person affected, it's something I'm working on but when things go wrong I spend a possibly excessive amount of time/energy either blaming myself or focusing on what I did to contribute to that outcome. Basically everything is "my fault" somehow, according to my inner demons. It's a problem, I have low self-worth, and this is the result =\
MockingJay:
I'm giving this as much time as need be, as much time as she needs. I have NO plans to pursue anyone, and in our limited discussions I'm always sure to remind her of the 'primary' concept, and that no one can replace her.
Shaya:
I almost feel like having her make her own post, I can see a lot of value in that idea, but I've agreed not to bring the subject up in any way, only to talk when she wants to talk. So it may be a while before we get to that point.
InfinitePossibility
PurpleSun:
14 years this June.
Yes, people change, especially over such a long time. But I don't see this as a change in myself, only in how I identify or present myself. I wasn't aware of the term polyamory until 2-3 years ago, and I didn't really learn about it until about 6 months ago. I've been essentially lying to her our entire relationship by hiding my true self out of both a desire to not rock the boat, and because I thought those desires were inherently wrong. This constant 'lie' has caused internal torment, because I don't want to be 'hiding' anything from my s/o, and because I couldn't figure out why I couldn't just change my way of thinking and not for lack of trying.
Sure we have issues, like any long-term couple, but it would take a therapist to find any 'serious issues' that we haven't addressed. We are both aware of our shortcomings and strive to better ourselves daily. I'd say the problem isn't our relationship, but rather her fear(s) of what this means for us. She is likely afraid that she will not get the attention she deserves, or that she will be replaced, or that we will have to break up, etc. Unfortunately I won't have any more specificity than that until we talk about this further.
A part of why I felt the need to express these desires to her is to avoid that 'unfulfilled' feeling that could cause resentment, because I know that is certainly possible.
She and I have had very bad luck with our job situations over the years, every time we get back on our feet something comes along and knocks us back down. Good jobs lost, cars wrecked with only liability so there's no $$ for another, medical issues, we can't seem to catch a break. But I have never gotten the impression that she only stays during hard times for the roof over her head...
Personally I feel like developing an "exit strategy" is planning for failure, basically presuming that the relationship is already doomed. I'm more the type to keep fighting until the ship is at the bottom of the ocean; I feel that as long as you haven't given up, you haven't lost yet.
CTF:
Well that's just like... your opinion, man (Big Lebowski line). You've made it obvious that honesty is not very important to you, at least in comparison. But it is to me. Being completely honest and open and being loved for who I really am is important to me. Not hiding things from my partner is important to me. The dishonesty of keeping these thoughts and feelings from her has been gutwrenching; you try lying to your partner for 14 years and see if it doesn't mess with you a little bit
. Asking yourself "Does she really love me if she doesn't know something so big about me?", wondering "Would she still love me if she knew?", every single day for 14 years. I technically did try your way, and it was mentally unhealthy for me.I'm willing to accept that sometimes people don't always find the words for what they really mean, but reading this as written implies that my "honesty" was used, by me, in an attempt to hurt her. That is what that sentence implies. An example of honesty with intent to hurt is as follows: Arguing with a dickhead who happens to be a burn victim, and then to say that they will never be loved because of their deformity, that they look like an avocado hate-f**ked another, more disgusting avocado.
My honesty served several purposes (in no particular order);
For her to know me fully, because I believe that is part of a healthy relationship.
For me to stop beating myself up for 'lying' or 'hiding' things.
To see if maybe we can change the dynamic if she can find compersion, or if that is not an option.
For her to understand some of my actions over the years, such as suddenly distancing myself from specific people.
...And many more!
But among the list, you'll note there is not "I felt like hurting her feelings". Now, if you had said "Your honesty did nothing more than hurt her" you might have been more accurate. Maybe in the end that's all that my honesty will have done
But that isn't what you said, and it's those little differences that make you come off as negative. While you may have some insight as to my GFs side of this matter, you seem to be lacking in any understanding of my own side, which I think may be tied to your disagreements in your own relationship. Either you don't really understand why your GF did what she did, or you are imprinting what she did onto me, which again is probably why you come off as negative. Cause I didn't screw up your relationship... but you don't seem to mind having the tone that I did. Your difference in tone when replying to me vs your tone when replying to others is astounding and I cannot find any other reason for it.Okay, so what exactly did I do that gives the impression that I'm not accepting responsibility?
That I'm not accepting that there could be massive consequences? I'm not blame-shifting. I'm not denying that what I did caused pain. I'm not saying that 'it's all okay' and that 'I haven't done anything wrong'. You've either misinterpreted what I've said as being more similar to your situation than it really is, or you are triggered by the similarities that do exist.Actually I have been that honest with my grandma. I've asked for a receipt several times at christmas... But that isn't the point here
If I don't like the sweater, and I don't want to her her feelings, I can just goodwill that shitty sweater and move on with my life How much harm does it do me to keep that secret from my grandma? Now, how much harm does it do me to continue lying to my s/o forever? How much harm will it do if I get caught cheating down the line, instead of breaking up now if those desires are that strong? You're making a disastrous equation between a 'white lie' and 'hiding a possibly major part of yourself from your s/o'.I'm certainly not saying that you have no right to tell your story, I do appreciate getting all versions of the mono side of this issue. However I didn't come here to argue, I came here for advice on what I need to be doing now that I told her. No one can change the past, dwelling on it is pointless. And endlessly telling someone who has anxiety and depression that they have fucked up so bad they can never fix it is just cruel
ArtemisHunt & JaneQSmythe:
I couldn't agree more, every word. These are the exact points I went through in my own head before deciding to move forward in any way
FallenAngelina:
Just part of having anxiety and depression (at least for me)
I do this outside of my relationship, I do this when I'm the only person affected, it's something I'm working on but when things go wrong I spend a possibly excessive amount of time/energy either blaming myself or focusing on what I did to contribute to that outcome. Basically everything is "my fault" somehow, according to my inner demons. It's a problem, I have low self-worth, and this is the result =\MockingJay:
I'm giving this as much time as need be, as much time as she needs. I have NO plans to pursue anyone, and in our limited discussions I'm always sure to remind her of the 'primary' concept, and that no one can replace her.
That's what I want as well, and by that I mean whatever she is comfortable with I am willing to accept. I do hope that in time she will agree with this as well.
Shaya:
As far as what I think, I imagine that most if not all of the reasons you listed could easily be true. Fear of changing or the fear of being replaced by someone younger/"cooler" would be the most likely from what you've suggested, from what I can tell. The idea of me having sex with anyone but her has come up as something that upsets her. But I can't honestly say what the 'real' core issue is until we dig into it some more, it's going to be a few weeks more until I can really pinpoint the issue like that.
I almost feel like having her make her own post, I can see a lot of value in that idea, but I've agreed not to bring the subject up in any way, only to talk when she wants to talk. So it may be a while before we get to that point.
InfinitePossibility
I tend to agree here, any relationship is a lot of work and at least a little hassle, and a poly relationship would certainly multiply those problems. It seems like it would take a good deal of effort to sustain. This is one of the reasons I'm not dead-set on changing my current relationship, but mostly looking for a higher level of knowing/understanding. I may not be cut out for poly life, I suppose I won't know unless I get the chance to try. But if I'm not, this will probably be why.
InfinitePossibility
New member
I've always thought that poly is one of the things that warrants figuring out if it is something you are cut out for before you try it.
People's emotions and well being sometimes are tied up in romantic relationships. So attempting a new way of going about them isn't like trying something like a new hobby. Your tennis coach is unlikely to be upset if you decide tennis isn't your think.
A new and current partner are likely to be more affected.
Further - I think you can have a good stab at figuring out if you are cut out for poly without doing it.
I would think about your other plans. Do you have or want a career that is demanding and likely to take up lots of time and energy? Maybe if you do, finding time and energy for more than one relationship would be tricky?
What about friends? Are you good at making time for them or does life tend to get in the way or do you not really have friends? If you fall into one of the last 2, what is it about romantic relationships that you think would cause you to make more effort in the long term? Or might it be that you'll want your current partner to take a back seat while you develop or maintain new relationships? Or might you want any new partner to understand that they should take a back seat and see you as and when your time/energy allows because your main focus is your current partner.
What about regular hobbies? How are you at turning up to activities? Do you do so reliably or are these things often dropped to do other things?
There are loads of things you can consider without leaping into poly relationships.
CoolName, I was totally in your boat. Only for a longer time, being that I am older and was married in 1978 at age 22. I was always "poly," always felt like a bad person, always trying to hide it from my husband to protect him. But he wasn't fooled! I didn't heard about poly until 1999. We broke up in 2008 finally, since we didn't see eye to eye on how to do relationship with each other, despite therapy. It wasn't just poly, but it was partly that. We'd just ended up on two different wavelengths, and had to accept we were never going to harmonize.
Believe me, it can and does. BTW, divorce (or breaking up if you're not divorced) isn't the end of the world... it can be a gateway to a much better world.
Kudos! One of my favorite movies. Remember, man, the Dude abides, and so will you.
You've made it obvious that honesty is not very important to you, at least in comparison. But it is to me. Being completely honest and open and being loved for who I really am is important to me. Not hiding things from my partner is important to me. The dishonesty of keeping these thoughts and feelings from her has been gut wrenching; you try lying to your partner for 14 years and see if it doesn't mess with you a little bit
Yep! So did I! Turns out my ex h did still love me as we were separating and divorcing. But it was too little too late. He'd done and said too many ugly things to shame me and hurt me. Sometimes love is not enough.
I'm willing to accept that sometimes people don't always find the words for what they really mean, but reading this as written implies that my "honesty" was used, by me, in an attempt to hurt her. That is what that sentence implies...
My honesty served several purposes (in no particular order);
For her to know me fully, because I believe that is part of a healthy relationship.
For me to stop beating myself up for 'lying' or 'hiding' things.
To see if maybe we can change the dynamic if she can find compersion, or if that is not an option.
For her to understand some of my actions over the years, such as suddenly distancing myself from specific people.
...And many more!
Good list!
But among the list, you'll note there is not "I felt like hurting her feelings". Now, if you had said "Your honesty did nothing more than hurt her" you might have been more accurate. Maybe in the end that's all that my honesty will have done
Okay, so what exactly did I do that gives the impression that I'm not accepting responsibility?
...how much harm does it do me to continue lying to my s/o forever? How much harm will it do if I get caught cheating down the line, instead of breaking up now if those desires are that strong? You're making a disastrous equation between a 'white lie' and 'hiding a possibly major part of yourself from your s/o'.
I'm certainly not saying that you have no right to tell your story, I do appreciate getting all versions of the mono side of this issue. However I didn't come here to argue, I came here for advice on what I need to be doing now that I told her. No one can change the past, dwelling on it is pointless. And endlessly telling someone who has anxiety and depression that they have fucked up so bad they can never fix it is just cruel
I agree. Some people come here to endlessly poke at their own wounds, and take their pain out on others who are struggling, like a constant devil's advocate... sigh. These types of responses must help the struggling monos to vent and bond. And your feelings are valid. But this isn't a "struggling mono" thread. It's a "I just came out to my partner, and I am in pain" thread. I think CoolName is well aware of what his wife is going through, and probably doesn't need a Greek chorus of monos constantly beating him over the head about how bad he is.
Ironically, you may actually end up with someone older. Women who are established in their careers, and past the intensive time of childrearing, or child free by choice, who are more self aware and confident, may often be more open to polyamory.
Just be aware she may never want to talk. Sometimes a partner faced with change may attempt to pretend it never happened, and sweep it under the rug indefinitely. You may need to bring it up yourself again in time, say, 4 weeks? 6 weeks?
I found it was LESS work being poly, since I am hardwired poly. It was much harder pretending to be mono (living a lie) than finding a poly partner and dating others as well. At least I can be open and honest about my needs and desires.
CTF:
Well that's just like... your opinion, man (Big Lebowski line). You've made it obvious that honesty is not very important to you, at least in comparison. But it is to me. Being completely honest and open and being loved for who I really am is important to me. Not hiding things from my partner is important to me. The dishonesty of keeping these thoughts and feelings from her has been gutwrenching; you try lying to your partner for 14 years and see if it doesn't mess with you a little bit
I'm willing to accept that sometimes people don't always find the words for what they really mean, but reading this as written implies that my "honesty" was used, by me, in an attempt to hurt her. That is what that sentence implies. An example of honesty with intent to hurt is as follows: Arguing with a dickhead who happens to be a burn victim, and then to say that they will never be loved because of their deformity, that they look like an avocado hate-f**ked another, more disgusting avocado.
My honesty served several purposes (in no particular order);
For her to know me fully, because I believe that is part of a healthy relationship.
For me to stop beating myself up for 'lying' or 'hiding' things.
To see if maybe we can change the dynamic if she can find compersion, or if that is not an option.
For her to understand some of my actions over the years, such as suddenly distancing myself from specific people.
...And many more!
But among the list, you'll note there is not "I felt like hurting her feelings". Now, if you had said "Your honesty did nothing more than hurt her" you might have been more accurate. Maybe in the end that's all that my honesty will have done
Okay, so what exactly did I do that gives the impression that I'm not accepting responsibility?
Actually I have been that honest with my grandma. I've asked for a receipt several times at christmas... But that isn't the point here
I'm certainly not saying that you have no right to tell your story, I do appreciate getting all versions of the mono side of this issue. However I didn't come here to argue, I came here for advice on what I need to be doing now that I told her. No one can change the past, dwelling on it is pointless. And endlessly telling someone who has anxiety and depression that they have fucked up so bad they can never fix it is just cruel[/I.
You're absolutely right, it is my opinion, albeit an opinion gained from experience, and not just in my own situation, but at no point did I claim to be factually superior.
It's fascinating though, how the mere suggestion that you think long & hard before deciding if coming out is truly necessary given that only YOU know your gf best, turns into who values honesty more. Of course I value honesty. But I also believe that communication is a 2 way street. Now, if the purpose of telling her was in hopes to chance the dynamic, then I would agree that you absolutely did the right thing (it's amazing though, you never seem to catch that when I say it repeatedly. However, knowing that your gf would not be on board, and hoping to try anyway, not only is a clear breakdown of communication on your end, but highly disrespectful & naive.
But fair enough... you told her, and now you're in the throws of panic attacks where she feels like she's not good enough.
If course I'm negative. That's nothing I've ever shied away from. I didn't used to be, but when you're wife tells you after 16 years of marriage & 3 kids together, that she's able to live others (which, effectively reduces the amount of love available for me), it's going to kill at least part of your spirit. Now, at least your gf's not being left to deal with the death of one of her parents while you're out working on this.... but in any case, as negative as my situation is, it's a far more likely path to your future than her ever reaching compersion is. Quite frankly, I think it's unfair of you to even expect her to.
The bottom line with mono folks such as myself (and from the sounds of it, your gf), is that when we say we don't want to talk about it, or try to be swayed of something, we mean it. Listed to her. If she says no, then accept it & drop it, or do the kind thing to her & move on.
Does this mean I think you're a bad guy? No. My wife isn't a bad person either. But both of you had a chance to keep this from happening. Now, my wife claims that she never needed to have another realationship, that she only told me because she wanted to tell the truth. Personally, I don't buy it , I think was a cover for a situation that was starting to go south once she told me... it was damage control. And I've seen it a million times in other couples too.
As for whether the only purpose served was to hurt. Maybe I didn't get my point across as well. Sure, you may not have intended to hurt her by telling her. But I think you obviously ignored her warning signs. Now, maybe you didn't truly know how badly it was going to hurt, but I really doubt that you didn't think she'd be so against it. I don't think you assumed that she could be on board (unless the denial is that strong), so that renders the open relationship hopes DOA, leaving nothing left, but to clear your own conscience. Sorry, but h think that's your burden to bear, not hers.
Hannahfluke
Member
Do you feel it would have been better if the original poster had just left his long-term girlfriend without having the poly discussion, since he's been really clear that he's tried to keep the fact that he's poly secret, since he knew it would be hard for his girlfriend to understand, and feels like having to hide who he is and wonder whether his girlfriend would really love him if he told the truth about this portion of himself was slowly killing him through anxiety and depression (and as someone who suffers from both these conditions, I'm not exaggerating the effect, why do you think gay teen suicide rates are so high?). I'm really curious about your answer to this. I know your wife has backtracked and said that she doesn't really need to be poly, but not everyone is like your wife. Do you really think it's more fair for the poly person to suffer in silence? Would it really be better to leave and lie about why you are leaving too, instead of being honest with your partner and saying "this is who I am, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I can no longer live monogamously and I understand if you can't live this way, but I wanted to discuss it with you?" And seeing if it is something that your partner can live with? Because any of the options available are going to cause pain and I think being honest and seeing if poly is possible is better than breaking up without an explanation, or at least the real explanation. The op has made it really clear that just continuing to live in pain is unsustainable, so other than just suck it up, you should just live as mono, do you have any suggestions?
I never said that he (or anyone else in that situation) should have just left with no explanation. Look, you folks are really taking this keep it to yourself scenario WAY out of context.
To start, I specifically said that such a topic should ONLY be avoided IF the poly partner didn't need to live the poly life. And if one suffers years of torment by hiding it, then it's obvious that this is not the case.
Why are gay teen suicide rates so high? There's a mixed bag of circumstances in the answer. Partly because of being afraid to come out, yes, but also due to the bullying by other children whose parents haven't taught them any better. I know why you're trying to compare, but it's clearly apples & oranges.
Now, if Coolname understood the risk, and was willing to put his relationship on the line in order to come out, so be it... as long as it's understood that that's exactly what he was risking. Even if there were no plans to carry it out.
I understand exactly the motives for telling her. But when you know that it's a deal breaker for your partner, the best thing, the kindest thing to do is to prepare to leave so as not to put her through the exponentially more torment. To assume that your partner should still love him/her (at least on a romantic level) is completely unrealistic. We all fall in love with the versions that our partners present. And if the factors change, so can the love.
But again, since so many have ignored my actual words... did he do the right thing by telling her? Yes, IF his goal was to have an open relationship. Of course, he never really said that in the beginning. If he really wasn't looking to open up, and knew it would devastate her, then no one is really hiding anything from anyone. And for the record, understanding you're poly is not living a lie if you never come out unless the urge is so strong that you have to act on it.
Hannahfluke
Member
It is living a lie if the person who is poly feels it is, regardless of whether you or I or anyone else does.
The op responded to Galagirl's suggestion that maybe just having his girlfriend know he's poly and accept that and remain closed would be enough with a reply that he doesn't think that will be enough, that he feels like this is something he needs to live to be happy. So I'm confused where you've gotten the idea that he ever said he didn't need to live it.
I spent several years medicated and in therapy because of issues with how my husband was going about being poly. I spent a good portion of a year of that time passively suicidal, which is still occasionally an issue. I haven't been a gay teen, so you're right, I don't know for sure, but I have been suicidal due to poly issues, so I don't think it's as far apart as you think. And when your entire social group is made up of poly people, there is certainly an element of peer pressure to accept that poly is perfect and you are the weird one.
ETA: there's also a hell of a lot of peer pressure if your entire social group is mono and you aren't that you're either crazy or a bad person. And that peer pressure is backed up by popular movies, songs, books, etc.
The op responded to Galagirl's suggestion that maybe just having his girlfriend know he's poly and accept that and remain closed would be enough with a reply that he doesn't think that will be enough, that he feels like this is something he needs to live to be happy. So I'm confused where you've gotten the idea that he ever said he didn't need to live it.
I spent several years medicated and in therapy because of issues with how my husband was going about being poly. I spent a good portion of a year of that time passively suicidal, which is still occasionally an issue. I haven't been a gay teen, so you're right, I don't know for sure, but I have been suicidal due to poly issues, so I don't think it's as far apart as you think. And when your entire social group is made up of poly people, there is certainly an element of peer pressure to accept that poly is perfect and you are the weird one.
ETA: there's also a hell of a lot of peer pressure if your entire social group is mono and you aren't that you're either crazy or a bad person. And that peer pressure is backed up by popular movies, songs, books, etc.
Last edited:
powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
I agree; revealing this information to the GF was like opening Pandora's Box. This forum is open to everyone; poly or otherwise. I think that a lot of what CTF has been posting has been unilaterally dismissed as rantings from a bitter mono.
I personally frequent these boards because I find them a wealth of information about relationships in general, and I truly care about the lives of those who tell their tales. I'm a mono living a boring mono life who used to have poly leanings but just didn't feel pursuing them was worth the cost to my marriage, even though my husband was supportive of me. I knew it would, effectively, be "robbing" him and my family of my limited time and energy.
CoolName, there is an option to not see when CTF posts, "ignoring" him. I'm just not sure how to do it, but a Mod can tell you. In turn, CTF, I completely understand what you're saying here, and support your right to say it, but I don't think it is being received in the spirit you intended.
I personally frequent these boards because I find them a wealth of information about relationships in general, and I truly care about the lives of those who tell their tales. I'm a mono living a boring mono life who used to have poly leanings but just didn't feel pursuing them was worth the cost to my marriage, even though my husband was supportive of me. I knew it would, effectively, be "robbing" him and my family of my limited time and energy.
CoolName, there is an option to not see when CTF posts, "ignoring" him. I'm just not sure how to do it, but a Mod can tell you. In turn, CTF, I completely understand what you're saying here, and support your right to say it, but I don't think it is being received in the spirit you intended.
Last edited: