Kevin's Hetero MFM Poly-Fi V

Yeah, we know from Breaking Bad that Kim isn't around anymore. Then again, neither is Chuck. :eek:
 
Got caught up with Jimmy and Co. tonight. Love the character, but he is his own worst enemy!

I wish I had half the patience Mike has. He just takes his time and watches what unfolds. To me, his death on Breaking Bad was the saddest. And funniest. Just wanting Walt to leave him alone so he could die in peace.
 
Yeah, Mike is a great character. Never disappoints. It's cool how he takes his time doing things and sometimes you don't even know what he's doing until he's finished.
 
The three of us (my MFM V) went on a road trip, and ate out at a small burger place. It made for a nice Sunday. Then for dinner we had chili dogs. :)
 
I'm a little annoyed with one of the latest posts in problems I see with polyfidelity, as well as various earlier posts. As if I am some kind of sick person because I practice polyfidelity. I apparently don't belong to the exclusive poly club, even though the word polyfidelity satisfies the definition of polyamory given in Wiktionary. I have never put down any non-poly-fi polyamorists, yet certain people in that thread have a driving need to put me (and Snowbunny, and Brother-Husband) down. Just when it seemed like we were approaching a live-and-let-live plateau, someone (ArtemisHunt) had to go after my posts' jugular.

I kind of knew it was going to happen too. Certain people start off with a seemingly friendly line of questioning, only to throw off the disguise when they think they detect a critical weakness. Then if I don't take up the gauntlet, they have their "proof" that they won the argument. Not worth my time, but it sure irks me.
 
That kind of thing irks me, too.

And I've noticed...people seem to be a bit prickly lately. I mean, I see some hackles going up in that thread that have been up elsewhere, and I feel like is it a full moon, or the Mercury retrograde or something in the air? Spring fever?

In a couple of threads I realized, there is a thing where I don't feel like the discussion is continuing in a productive way, and I am just trying to say the same thing with different words, coming up with florid metaphor after florid metaphor, and yet still not being understood. And I have to stop before it goes on for too long. That didn't used to happen here much for me, but it's happened recently.

And I was reading in the polyfidelity thread how it was getting tense with vinsanity and Marcus, and Marcus saying he didn't think they were having the same conversation. Um, just because somebody doesn't say what you think they should, doesn't mean they are talking wrong. Like I tried to say elsewhere, I was neither agreeing nor contradicting, just expressing what I saw through my own little facet of things over here...like maybe vinsanity is just seeing stuff through his own lens. So?

*sigh* Sometimes I think I should just stick to my lil blog thingie and leave the rest alone.
 
I understand how you feel, Kevin. I never practiced polyfi, only open poly, but that doesn't make polyfi any less poly (in my opinion.) Words are all just man made anyway and all have different connotations to different people, based on the context and their life experiences (and as Tinwen's blog said, the language it's spoken in.) Doesn't matter how they define it, it's what works for your poly family that matters!

I think Spork may be right, the mercury retrograde probably is hindering communication because it seems like there've been quite a few contentious posts of late.

At any rate, I hope you have a lovely evening with your poly family ;)
 
kdt26417 said:
I'm a little annoyed with one of the latest posts in problems I see with polyfidelity, as well as various earlier posts. As if I am some kind of sick person because I practice polyfidelity. ... . I have never put down any non-poly-fi polyamorists, yet certain people in that thread have a driving need to put me (and Snowbunny, and Brother-Husband) down. Just when it seemed like we were approaching a live-and-let-live plateau, someone (ArtemisHunt) had to go after my posts' jugular.
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That thread made me quite emotional too, and some posts were indeed very dismissing of polyfidelity. Ravenscroft even started it centered around the "problems" - imho he uses some restricted (or extended) definition, which brings about most of the problems.

The post you link to - I think it's actually not meant to target you at all. It is very one-sided, but I think she's still expressing her view.
Yet she has blinders on. I thought about how to argue with that post, and didn't find a way.

As for Marcus and Vinsanity (and me) not having a the same conversation, I indeed think we didn't. The important points from both sides seem to get lost in translation.

The thread brought up some quite fundamental divide between people which is actually quite interesting. I don't think I'm grasping the divide really. I'm a little more on the fidelity side, so to me it's like the anarchistic people are saying "nah, you can't agree to fidelity, what if you change your mind later" - which is bullshit. So I'll better assume that I'm not getting the whole message. And they seem to be caught up on the idea that every agreement is made out of fear, and don't hear the other reasons you (and others) have been saying.

We're living within different paradigm-bubbles, and there's probably nothing easy we can do.
 
I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out why anyone is interested in the inner workings of a relationship that they are not personally involved in? It seems that these discussions that start out as being "philosophical,' start becoming very personal very quickly.

If someone posts that they are having a problem with some aspect of their relationship, and are asking for advice, then they can expect questions about why they feel that dissatisfaction and why their relationship is structured the way it is. As far as I remember, and I have been reading this forum for five years, Kevin has never asked for any advice regarding his poly-fi relationship with SnowBunny and Brother-Husband. Why look for problems that aren't there?
 
Thanks for the support guys. Indeed, why look for problems that aren't there? I've been poly-fi for over 12 years, and I'm doing fine (as are Brother-Husband and Snowbunny). It's one thing to approach someone with respectful/non-rhetorical questions, and another thing to preach a sermon against them for simply living their life. I've vented and will be fine eventually, but I think it's a shame that we had to go there in the first place.

The forum does seem to be extra contentious lately. I'm not sure why, but I've got my guard up.
 
I am doing better now, I really don't have anything against ArtemisHunt as I don't think she consciously did anything to offend me. Lots of people are clueless when things go wrong on a forum. I'm astounded that Marcus, a smarter guy than me, didn't notice when things turned south for me on that thread.

But I don't want it to be known there that I was offended; that's what this blog is for is so I can air my grievances without stirring up trouble. It's for my own protection, I don't want people to know they've gotten to me, I don't like being vulnerable. So let's agree that whatever I post on this blog, stays on this blog.

That whole thread (problems I see with polyfidelity) surprises me and disappoints. Here we are on a poly-friendly site, and people are looking down the nose at polyfidelity. I had not encountered that attitude before that thread got up and running. I wasn't surprised that Ravenscroft started it, that guy lives to put other people down, but I was surprised at how much enthusiasm the thread was met with, from a lot of people.

Who am I to talk when I posted a lot on that thread, right? Well as I mentioned earlier, at the time I thought poly-fi's and non-poly-fi's were finally starting to get along. I was rudely awakened, and have stopped posting there since then. I guess I learned to trust people just a little bit less. Anyway with me gone, the poly-fi haters can freely hate on poly-fi without my interference. Not that the hating is done consciously, but man is it ever done.
 
I don't think that you were the only one who was taken aback, and made sure not to mention the reason I ended up going over there and reading that thread (I had not until you'd mentioned it...yours is one of a handful of blogs I read.) But I sensed in a couple of other posts that people were like, "really guys?"

I guess I jumped in a little to aggressively maybe. :(

I think it's quite fine to have a "problem" with something IN YOUR OWN LIFE without trying to poke holes in the entire practice, especially when you have very clear evidence right here, that this sort of thing can work just fine for those who choose it!

I can't believe we are in a nontraditional community of people who kinda buck the social rules, and saying that there is a right way or wrong way to do it, assuming everyone is doing what's working for them. The whole thing just blew my mind a little.

Sorry if I added any fuel to the fire there.

And I don't actually feel like Ravenscroft wants to be a jerk to people. I think he's more insensitive than malicious, personally. Like he doesn't stop and consider how anyone would feel when he's got all these strings of ideas and thought he wants to throw around. But maybe I'm wrong, I dunno.

I think you're nice. I wish everybody could be nice, sometimes myself included. Thank you for being one of the nice ones. That is all.
 
Thanks Spork.

And I hope you're right about Ravenscroft, LOL. I wrote that guy off a long time ago.

Re:
"Sorry if I added any fuel to the fire there."
Click to expand...

No worries. It's a public forum, as ArtemisHunt pointed out, so when you post in it, you tacitly agree to take your chances. She took her chances too. Your posts were one of the things that could happen on that thread. I have no problem with them.

To clarify my position, I didn't mind when ArtemisHunt was asking me non-rhetorical questions, I was happy to answer. My issue started when the questions stopped and the criticism started. Though I'm sure she didn't (and doesn't) think she was being critical at all. So be it. I don't have to participate in that thread. And I never did have to. If it was a mistake for me to start participating, I'll own that mistake. I couldn't handle it, that's the bottom line.

Anyways, you've been thoughtfully supportive towards me, and I appreciate it.
 
I hope that I didn't come off as being against polyfi in that thread. I'm against anyone who looks down at others for not being exactly the same as them, which some people who are polyfi do, but so do others on the opposite end of the spectrum, as we've discovered on that thread. I have always felt like as long as it works for the people involved, that's all that matters.

I think Ravenscroft has an elevated sense of his own worth. He's been poly for decades, he's written a book about it, so, at least in his mind, he's the expert and he feels so much more righteous and better than all of us laymen. I think he has a bit of a God complex going on, similar to what some doctors have.

I think you're a great person, Kev, and your relationship works for you and your loved ones and that's all that matters.
 
Thanks Hannah. I actually have some regrets about the role I played in how things played out in that thread. I was surprised when Artemis withdrew, I didn't expect that to happen. Maybe that thread's usefulness is used up, so it doesn't matter. The thread certainly resulted in some bad feelings.

I tend to agree with you in your assessment of Ravenscroft. And I still don't understand what in the world is wrong with polyfidelity. :mad:
 
What is wrong with polyfidelity? Nothing. Or everything. Anything that could be wrong with anything, or could not if you are doing more respectful and aware ways of relating.

What is WRONG with monogamy?

Not a damn thing necessarily. Plenty COULD be wrong...in particular relationships...

But I think they are focusing too much there on
a.) "Rules" being a mechanism forced upon one person to restrict their behavior, by another person who is being controlling, or possibly a couple towards a "third" or whatever.
b.) The common convention of the new couple that has just opened and is not comfortable straying TOO far from the safe structure of mono, so they're just doing monogamy with more than one.

Are those things, things that happen? Sure, ok. But are they always the case? No! That would be like saying that because my marriage was abusive, all men or all husbands or all marriage, or all committed relationships, or something like that, cause abuse by default and should be avoided. It just ain't so.

I could start a thread about how, since there could possibly be problems a, b, and c, about relationship anarchy, or solo poly, or whatever, titled "The problems I see with..." I could start one about all of the instances where dogs have bitten people, and title it, "The problems I see with dogs." The point might be kinda situationally valid, but holy sweeping judgmental generalizations, Batman!

How about, "Are ya happy? Are your partners happy?" If so, then you are doing it right. For you. Easy.
 
Thanks Spork; you make some good points there.
 
I guess my other question is, why do some people feel so compelled to speak out against polyfidelity? Is it something personal? :(
 
You've pretty much nailed why I only ever read the blog section any more. For what it's worth, I think it would be equally silly to judge you for being poly-fi as it is to judge... well, anyone else on what relationship style best suits them. But people love to have opinions and those on the ends are likely to voice them I suppose. I love your poly-fi blog.
 
Thanks AutumnLeaves ... and I don't blame you for just sticking with the blogs. :p
 
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