Help desperately needed

[Wifeincrisis]

Ive been in a pretty amazing marriage to my best friend and soulmate for 21 years.
My husband and I started going to polyamory events because it was something interesting although we never intended on much participation. It was also a way to market our adult business at the time. And he loved flogging and shocking women.

He fell head over heels for the whole scene, short of intercourse. I did not. We attended these events, large and small for a few years before I just couldn't handle it anymore. I struggle with severe anxiety.

Since then, we haven't really done any events. He admitted that he's been resentful of me because we aren't involved in that scene anymore. We closed our business and we're trying to liquidate some last bdsm inventory when he came across a local FetLife group. He began chatting on Kik with them encouraging them to come to the Valentine's event at the bar. A few came and he really clicked with one of the younger girls. They invited him to come to a shock and flog instructional event for their small group. He had hung out with them without me a few times, but I thought he was networking for our insurance agency business we run together.

I attended the event and watched as he gave sexual pleasure to woman after woman. It occurred to me then, that I wasn't ok with this. It felt like cheating. He has explained multiple times, that he is not aroused, that it's a power Trip/ego boost to get these other women aroused or to climax.

He's always had no sexual female friends, so this friendship wasn't a huge deal. She was in a relationship with an abusive douche and within weeks the relationship was over. And she turned to my husband for advice. At the same time, he and I were in a pretty bad place, so he began hiding his interactions with her from me, and started avoiding spending time with me. I knew he was misleading me and one night I checked his FetLife account and indeed he had been misrepresenting what his interactions with her were. He says it was all for show to " rub her ex's face in it". But what I saw devastated me.

He had been posting publicly that he was her master, collared her, owned her. He had commented on nude photos of her, flirted with her, called her by the same terms of endearment he calls me....and bought her a new nicer collar and then posed with her in a love dovey picture showing it off. On the private Kik friends group they also proclaimed to be together and she took the female mate version of his screen name. He's Alpha, she changed her name to She Wolf.

I confronted him about the dishonesty and feeling betrayed and he justified it as just fake stuff to put up a front. And also said that he's sorry I was hurt but he would not end their friendship, and he would not stop seeking events where he could dominate other women.

The sad part is I love being flogged, but he never did that for me. And just because I hate being shocked, he used that as justification that we weren't into the same things. I asked him to flog me and he did, but it didn't make me feel connected to him. All I could see we're the other women there before me/after me. It wasn't intimate at all. We did have sex, but I was desperate for our connection again. It wasn't there.

I'm very confused and hurt. He says he loves me with his whole heart and since he isn't aroused, it shouldn't matter that the women are aroused. I feel cheated on because he allowed this girl to slide into my position as his mate, and I feel cheated on when he gives other women sexual pleasure ......even if I'm there. And now the thought of being flogged by him makes me feel like the whole experience is degraded now because of the other women.

The girl is everything bdsm-wise that he wishes I was. He's told me so. And I don't believe they have had a physical relationship aside from the flogging seminar I attended. But she still needs a need in him that I don't anymore.

Does anyone have any advice. I'm seriously so hurt and confused. I just want my relationship with my husband the way it was during the first 17 years or so.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you are hurting.

This may be hard to hear, but I mean it kindly, ok?

His words and actions do not match. He says he loves you. But he does less than loving behavior toward you. When words and actions do not match? Believe the actions. Because talk is cheap:

• You guys don't sound like you even agreed to be in an Open/BDSM relationship.
• He shares sexual pleasure with other women, sometimes in front of you and you feel yucky observing this.
• He minimizes your feelings. Like you shouldn't feel hurt because he is not sexually aroused and it is just an ego trip. Rather than LISTENING that you feel hurt because you are TELLING him you feel hurt.
• He took up with a new GF/play partner.
• When you ask him about this, he tries to play it off or tries to "explain away" or misleads/lies. Like he was doing it just to rub her ex's face in it. That is not his place to do. Her problems with her ex are her problems, not your husband's.
• He puts you down by comparing you to his new GF/play partner. That the girl is everything bdsm-wise that he wishes you were.
• He behaves like his feelings/pleasure are more important than yours and you shouldn't complain if how he behaves dings you.
• "And also said that he's sorry I was hurt but he would not end their friendship, and he would not stop seeking events where he could dominate other women." His apologies are not sincere. He is not sorry you are hurting. He's sorry you are inconveniencing him by reminding him of his obligations to you. If he wanted to treat you respectfully, he could break up with you decently first, and THEN move on to his new life. Not just do as he pleases while dragging you along in his wake. But it's about his fun, not yours. And if he's getting off on "rubbing things in people's faces" now... I guess it includes you and your face. That's not domme stuff...that's plain MEAN.
• He behaves like he does not value maintaining a good relationship with you.

Do you enjoy this treatment? No.

Do these behaviors make you feel close, connected, loved, appreciated? No.

Is it going to stop? He said he is not gonna stop. Basically something akin to "This is how it is now. Suck it up." I suppose you could ask him one more time. Just to be sure/clear about it that he is not going to stop these behaviors.

But if he's not willing to stop behaving in ways that ding/hurt you? All you can do is BELIVE him and get yourself out of the way so you cannot be dinged again. The old him you miss is gone. There's this new him now. And you have to decide if you like this new him or not.

He is in charge of how he chooses to behave. You are in charge of YOUR behavior. Your "stayingness" belongs to you. If someone is treating you poorly, you don't have to stick around for more poor treatment. You could choose to leave and get you out of the line of fire. So you can mourn the loss of the relationship and "old him" away from this "new him" without incurring new fresh dings.

The "new him" of the last four years or so doesn't sound very nice to you.

Again, I'm sorry you deal in this. I can only imagine how hurt you feel right now.

Galagirl

 

[Wifeincrisis]

Thank you.

The whole she meets what I lack discussion was my observation that he thought about and later agreed with. He didn't just come out and tell me that.

In every other way, he has been more kind, loving and thoughtful than almost any other hubby we know. We have daughter. We're both dominant, but I'm dependant and he's independent. His "GF" holds zero sexual attraction for him he says, and it's a purely platonic relationship. I believe him. I think it's more likely an emotional affair. He's turning away from me, to her.

We are starting therapy. I have been struggling with severe anxiety for 5 years or so and I think that plays a huge part in him needing an outlet. My issues have traumatized us both. And btw, my mental issues are caused by a little known genetic mutation called MTHFR. It's biological.

He resents that if he decides it will be this way and I disagree, that it doesn't happen. But if I decide i dont want it that way, then we do it my way. For 17 years we we're in a moderately monogamous relationship. We could find others attractive, we weren't threatened by casual platonic friendships. We're experimental sexually, I'm not vanilla. I wish he could fulfill his bdsm needs with only me. Especially since he doesn't get any sexual thrill from these activities.

I hope therapy works. I sometimes feel like this is killing my love for him. Mainly I'm just sad all the time. And I feel like our intimacy has been tainted now. I love to kiss him, cuddle, be cuddled......but thinking about sex with him/being vulnerable with him .........I just can't right now.

His lies were White lies, small details, timeline discrepancy, omissions etc. So part of me feels like I might be overreacting. It's hard to know what's real and what is paranoia/anxiety.

 

[GalaGirl]

I noticed you do not clarify, so I will ask again. I see that you guys are into kink and practice it with each other. Are you also in an Open relationship? Where he can kink with other people and have other play partners? Or is the current agreement to practice monogamy and only kink with you? And now he's cheated on his agreements in taking up with this other woman in particular and going off to kink events to find other play partners in general?

If he's basically cheating on agreements, call it what it is. He is cheating on his agreements with you.

I guess you could see if therapy can help what ails this relationship. Try to hang on until the appointment.

I don't see any "white lies." Those are harmless. If you are feeling hurt and anguished as a result of his behaviors toward you? There were other kinds of lies going on here.

Lies can break down trust.

I sometimes feel like this is killing my love for him. Mainly I'm just sad all the time. And I feel like our intimacy has been tainted now.

It's going to be hard to love someone you cannot trust to keep agreements. And it is hard to love someone who treats you poorly. It's also hard to love someone who doesn't behave in loving ways towards you.

I don't think you are overreacting. He's behaving kinda crazy. So of course you feel anxious about that. Who wouldn't? Of course you don't feel eager to be intimate/vulnerable with him right now. You have been recently dinged. You are leery of receiving yet another ding.

He resents that if he decides it will be this way and I disagree, that it doesn't happen. But if I decide i dont want it that way, then we do it my way.

I'm not sure what this means. What is "it" that you are talking about? Sex? Marriage? Something else?

I get that dealing with chronic illness can be tough on the patient and on the spouse of the patient. But your illness is not an excuse to act all....weird/mean.

I'm flabbergasted at this Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde sounding transformation.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

My husband and I started going to polyamory events because it was something interesting although we never intended on much participation.

I'm confused. You are saying "polyamory" but you are talking about BDSM. Is this related to polyamory? Or is this BDSM? They are different.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Wifeincrisis,

I am thinking maybe your first post was you venting? It really paints your husband in a bad light, and I'm not sure that's what you meant to do. More like you were sad about *some* of the things he's been doing, but glad about the rest of what he does. Your marriage has good things and bad things, it is a mix, but you want to stay focused on the positive and get your marriage back to the state it was in in the first 17 years. There is hope that therapy can do that for you. But maybe things have changed. Maybe the first 17 years are in the past and no longer available. This doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is over, but maybe it means your best bet is to move forward, and let the past be in the past. You and your husband can have (I hope) a good marriage, but a different one nonetheless.

Just some thoughts; I can't think of any actual advice but I do sympathize with your situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

I'm confused. You are saying "polyamory" but you are talking about BDSM. Is this related to polyamory? Or is this BDSM? They are different.

I'm confused about this as well. I do belong to a kink group that is a subset of a poly group. It almost sounds like this couple was seeking out kink events so they could promote their bdsm business and maybe came across a poly kink group.

 

[vinsanity0]

His lies were White lies, small details, timeline discrepancy, omissions etc. So part of me feels like I might be overreacting. It's hard to know what's real and what is paranoia/anxiety.

I don't think setting up a FetLife profile showing another woman as his mate, all behind your back, is just a white lie or a small detail. It sounds like a double life. It is cheating. Don't fool yourself into thinking it's not. His explanations may or may not be true, but his actions were taken without your consent.

I know all too well about having a partner who can't fulfill certain sexual needs. My wife was vanilla when it came to bdsm. However, I could not have, in good conscious, went behind her back to get those needs fulfilled.

 

[Wifeincrisis]

My mind has been a mess, so I'll try to elaborate.

"It" was going to swingers events.

We had the understanding that I didn't like him playing bdsm with other women, but he did, so we limited the activities to basically a class or seminar....but while I was there, it was apparent that he was still basically just doing the same thing, but on a smaller scale.

Bdsm and polyamory are different, but in our world they crossed paths. So we weren't playing with bdsm, he was only doing it to other women, which made me uncomfortable, but I tried to be ok, enjoy, get involved for a few years. I would describe our relationship as monogamous at its core. But never jealous of each other's appreciation for members of the opposite sex. Like he could point out a girl he thought was hot, and it never bothered me. I sold used hosiery to foot fetishists and it never bothered him.

So basically he enjoys being a dom to other women without the sex. I am also somewhat of a dominant myself. But I have loved being flogged. What was a juicy exciting scene to be around, became a problem when I discovered that him giving sexual pleasure to other women bothered me and felt like cheating, and he discovered he thoroughly craved it.

Only now, after finally flogging me for the first time, it felt hollow, and not at all intimate or bonding. I felt interchangeable with any of the random females he's flogged.

I guess I wondered how or if there's a compromise.
Of course I love him and there has been a ton of good stuff. But he just admitted to holding a five year grudge against me for putting on the brakes when it came to swingers events.

The FetLife profile stuff he says was all faked just to piss off this girl's ex. And he did ask if it was ok if she told this guy that she was poly with us to get him to leave her alone. "Tell him"" being the key here. And hiding anything from each other has always been mega taboo in our relationship.

 

[vinsanity0]

I think your feelings are typical of a mono person. They often think that if their partner does something with someone else then everybody is just interchangeable. For the most part that is not true.

Since you are both Dominant, did you ever discuss that predicament before you got together? Was there any plan for how to fulfill your urges, or did you just decide you both would ignore those urges?

I really don't see a compromise here. Either he has to quit playing with others or you have to be okay with him playing with others. The third option is to go your separate ways.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more details.

And hiding anything from each other has always been mega taboo in our relationship

Sounds like an agreement.

But he just admitted to holding a five year grudge against me for putting on the brakes when it came to swingers events.

Sounds like he broke the agreement.

He chose to go against his own grain in stopping swinging.
He chose to stay silent for 5 years rather than speaking up. Which broke agreement and bred resentment.
Then he blames YOU for HIS behavior choices and holds a grudge. How's that make sense?

He could have

a) kept the "no secrets" agreement and said something sooner and tried to renegotiate in order to NOT breed resentments. Swinging with you in the picture.

b) kept the "no secrets" agreement and said something sooner like "I tried to let it go, but this REALLY matters to me. I cannot compromise on this. If you don't want to go there, I respect that. But I want to go. So we have become incompatible, and we must part ways so I can go there cleanly and you can continue to be free of it." Swinging without you in the picture.

Done the responsible thing. But he didn't.

And he did ask if it was ok if she told this guy that she was poly with us to get him to leave her alone. "Tell him"" being the key here.

So you agreed him and "Jane" (just a generic name for the woman, you can change it if you want) could tell the abusive douche that she was involved with you guys so he would go away.

That's an agreement.

Does NOT sound like you agreed to these extra bonus things:

He had been posting publicly that he was her master, collared her, owned her. He had commented on nude photos of her, flirted with her, called her by the same terms of endearment he calls me....and bought her a new nicer collar and then posed with her in a love dovey picture showing it off. On the private Kik friends group they also proclaimed to be together and she took the female mate version of his screen name. He's Alpha, she changed her name to She Wolf.

That's him breaking agreements. You gave an inch, he took a mile. It also sounds like he started and affair with Jane.

How is he being great friends with you?

All the BDSM stuff set aside? The main issues to me seem to be (whether or not you trust him to keep his agreements) and (whether or not you trust him not to do behaviors that hurt you.) His recent track record on both has been poor. Future projections? He says he will not stop doing behaviors that hurt you. So how is this a healthy relationship for you to stay in?

You did not agree to Open the marriage for real. The agreement was monogamy. Now he's breaking it. And he expects you to do what? Just lump it? Again I ask... how is he being great friends with you?

I can imagine it is hard to FEEL. But the actions seem simple. You have to leave this crazy so it stops dinging you so much. Right now it is dinging you lots. You feel overwhelmed and not able to think right. So you have to get away from this. The only choice you have is HOW you leave. I don't see that there can be healthy compromise here on the leaving part.

Compromise is for small stuff you don't care about too much. You accept a lesser standard because the thing you are coming to compromise on is not a big deal. Examples:

• I wanted to watch netflix now, but I can live waiting an hour. Show will still be there later but I let my kid watch their show first so they can have it before bedtime. Rather than me first, and them zero because they have to go to bed. Huge deal to them, not so much to me.

• I wanted a whole popsicle and kid wanted a whole popsicle. Only one left. We are both ok splitting it for now. Not a huge deal to either of us. Because we are doing groceries tonight and can get more. We can each have a whole one later tonight.

You are talking about big deal things that matter to you in your relationships. You are also talking about your mental health and general well being. I am concerned that you might be considering compromising yourself, your values, and your health in order to stay with a person who has treated you poorly. Going against your own principles is going against your own grain. And not even for him should you do that and throw yourself under the bus. It's not going to feel nice down there. You can love someone a whole lot. Even up to 49% of your love. But the 51% that is left you leave for loving yourself. You love yourself more than anyone else. That's not selfish. That's necessary. Because when you love yourself a bit more than anyone else, it helps you say NO.

"No. I will not do that. Not even for you will I stay here in a marriage that is hurting me."​

Now you are considering saying

"Yes. Even if you hurt me in this marriage, I will stay here."​

That is not small stuff like netflix and popsicles. That is big stuff -- your mental health and general well being. And for what? To avoid breaking up with a husband who tells lies, breaks agreements, and does hurtful behaviors? Is that the kind of husband you want to have?

At this time, he says he is not willing to change any of his behaviors. BELIEVE him.

So the only choices I can see are:

• You compromise yourself and your values. You accept poor treatment. In order to avoid the pain of a break up. At the expense of more dings in future. Because he says he is not going to stop doing these behaviors. (I do not suggest this as a healthy thing to be doing. So I grey it out.)

• You decide to leave. You do not accept poor treatment and step away from the crazy mess. HOW you leave and step away from the mess? You could...
  
  • Separate and take the time out. Live apart. Gives you a chance to see what life on your own is like, do some soul searching. Gives him time to see what life on his own is like too.
    
    • If he becomes willing to stop behaving hurtfully? And if you are willing to start something new with him? See what can be repaired or rebuilt or not.
    • If he carries on with hurtful behaviors and treating you badly? Move on to divorce.
  • Go straight to divorce. Don't bother with a separation time. (I could be wrong in my impression, but you don't sound ready for this at this point in time. So I grey it out.)

Not all choices in life are "win - lose" type. Some are "this choice sucks and this other choice sucks... so which one sucks LESS?"

I think leaving sucks less. Still sucks in the short term, but contains hope for some kind of relief and resolution in the long term. You just have to pick which kind of leaving.

If he behaves in ways that hurts you, and plans to continue behaving that way and continuing hurting you? And you pick staying up close with him? That's you picking never ending suckage to me. Sucks now and is gonna suck later.

I value myself and my well being. I would not want to sign up for never ending suckage.

I hope you value yourself and your well being too. You have worth, dignity and value. You deserve to be treated well.

I am truly sorry you are dealing with this.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

I see 3-4 layers here, which could be problem-solved separately.

1) His (fake?) love affair with that girl.
I am not sure what is actually going on there, if you know it was really all fake, or if he had some kind of emotional (?) affair there. Anyway, he was lying and breaking your trust. IMHO, that is the most urgent matter. You shouldn't let him slide on this. Make it clear that, no matter the other problems, this is a separate issue - and one where he's done something truly dishonest and trust-damaging. Figure out, if and how trust can be rebuild, with a counselor if necessary.

2) You being in a bad place mentally
... over the last five years. Your mental health is something you're attending to in therapy. Maybe there's more that you could do, I don't know.

3)Your relationship being in a bad place
This is a long-term issue, which won't go away easily. But if your relationship is in a bad place, it has to be solved somehow, work has to be put in by both of you in the long run.

Anyway, you say your mental health been wearing down on your husband too - what I want to respectfully suggest is to check if you were uploading too much of your anxiety on him. Maybe you could find other means of support, like friends, a diary, self-help groups, a hobby or anything that helps you calm down, so that you have a little more positive energy to spend on enjoying the positives with your husband. That is your end - of course he's got things to correct on his end too.

This can't be solved now. But if you indeed both wish to renew your marriage, a mutual commitment can be made and first steps can be taken.

3) Your disagreement on poly/bdsm
I've got an uncomfortable feeling that there's more to this topic than what has been revealed so far. I think this will require a lot more talk - which perhaps could be still suspended after point 1 is cleared.

However, what has been said so far, is IMHO not hopeless. He sais he wants certain kinds of play with others. You have expressed being uncomfortable with watching it, but you don't indicate that clearly your level of discomfort when these things are not in your sight. Maybe this issue can't be solved with a combination of a) you not watching and giving him privacy while playing, b) bringing in brutal honesty, more understanding of each other, and making good agreements, and c) shifting the focus towards your relationship and doing the work to make you own sex life good and unique again.

I think you are not at all clear what your levels of comfort are if the you+husband relationship is in a good place, and you could still give it more soul searching. I think you both could benefit from reading some of the standard poly advice, although you're not going full blown poly - for example the poly for monos and the common mistakes from the More Than Two website.

Somewhere on that webpage there has been also an excellent thought (which I can't find now). It suggests to think of relationship needs like this: the needs of one person involved, the needs of the second person involved, and the needs of a relationship itself. What kind of attention does your relationship need to become healthy again?

But maybe ultimately you do the talking and thinking and come to understand that he wants more than you can give, and then GalaGirl is right - don't compromise, leave.

You have a blend of problems here. Try not to mix all together in the discussions with your husband. IMHO relationships are strong - good luck to you.

P.S.: As a little side note on the flogging, of course it felt hollow if he's in no place to give and you are in no place to receive right now. I'd say don't deem the activity uninteresting based on one try only, wait until you're in a better emotional place.

 

[Wifeincrisis]

All of your advice is spot on.

We didn't realize either one of us were Dom until way later in the marriage. We married young, and only after exposure to the scene around year 16 ish, did he decide dominating other women made him feel power and ego boost. I'm hoping it's a midlife crisis, coupled with self esteem issues, that makes him crave the rush and ego boost. And that once those are addressed, the need to involve others will be as well.

Because this has been a relatively​ new development in what he sees as his need, I was hoping, that dominating me occasionally would be enough. I'm certainly willing to look at that direction. It is the sexual involvement with others that bothers me. Want to teach a class, take a class, explore bdsm together? Great!

Want to go give other women pleasure? NOT ok. And contrary to our marital values of 15 years.

We have silenced the discussion until we're both in front of a therapist. And he is trying to do what he can to show me how much he loves and values me. He has been incredibly kind and thoughtful when he is around, but he still avoids spending much time around me.

We both want our relationship back. Neither wants a divorce. But you're right, I can't see myself staying with him if he insists on pleasuring other women, whether I'm there or not. Whether it's sexual for him or not. And always he has firmly stressed that I am the only one he could ever love. And I can't imagine divorce easing any of the pain, because divorce wouldn't end my deep love for him and the belief that we're soulmates.

 

[GalaGirl]

We both want our relationship back. Neither wants a divorce. But you're right, I can't see myself staying with him if he insists on pleasuring other women, whether I'm there or not. Whether it's sexual for him or not. And always he has firmly stressed that I am the only one he could ever love. And I can't imagine divorce easing any of the pain, because divorce wouldn't end my deep love for him and the belief that we're soulmates.

Let me ask you something. You both want the marriage relationship model back? Or do you wan to be in right relationship with each other? You want the the "ok with each other" back?

If the model is pinching? It might be time to let the marriage relationship model go. And trying to practice a different model together of "exes and friends." To see if you can remain close, but allow him the freedom TO do whatever BDSM things he wants to be doing with other people. And allows you freedom FROM that.

Because if practicing kink with only you is not enough for him? And you don't want to be in an Open relationship where he kinks with others because that is not enough for you? You have become incompatible for marriage to each other.

Might not like thinking about it, but disbanding the marriage model in favor of a "good exes and friends" model may be what allows you to remain close.

Friends cannot be soul mates?

Friends cannot deeply love and care about each other?

I am glad you guys are seeing a therapist. I hope they can help you sort all this stuff out.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

 

[Wifeincrisis]

That's the big question.

All I know is that he was looking through old photos and bawling about how much he missed me/us. You know, back before any of this started and we were each other's whole world.

But today I found more disturbing updates to his FetLife profile...... Even after I clearly told him how I felt about his public proclamation of his play relationship, last week.

I'll keep it to myself until after our joint therapy session tomorrow morning, and our date we have planned for tomorrow evening.

PS.... You may be surprised to learn, we are LDS (Mormon).

 

[kdt26417]

Heh, small world. I was LDS (Mormon) from 1973 until 2002. Very active in the church. But now I am atheist. Anyway, just a side note.

It is jarring, sometimes, how much things can change in our lives. Do you agree?

 

[Shaya]

I feel that Tinwell has summarised it well with all the multiple layers. Your strong initiative on pulling him to relationship therapy is a good idea too. As an additional note, it seems the two of you are maturing on divergent paths with him wanting to explore his kink deeper and you feeling this crosses the border into cheating.

It seems like you plan to discuss what you each feel you need in a relationship with a therapist. Wish you the best of luck. If your paths are irreconcilably divergent, how will your daughter or other family members handle this?

 

[Hannahfluke]

Like Kevin, I used to be LDS too. I was born and raised in the church. My husband's family joined the church when they moved back to Utah from California when he was 7, mostly because his mom believes a whole mishmash of things, so isn't tied to one specific religion, and the LDS church was the closest to their house. They stopped going after a few years and my husband only became active again because he knew it was important to me. We left the church in Spring of 2005 (sometimes I find it hard to believe it's been that long). We didn't open our relationship until a few years later, but we have friends who were poly while active in the church. It seems like a difficult thing to manage, to me, but people do it and are successful.

 

[FallenAngelina]

...we were each other's whole world.

No marriage can withstand this expectation - which a lot of people have, BTW. Marriages grow and thrive or else they wither. Many people remain together but have long withered. The question, then, is not how do you get back to where you were (you cannot,) but how are you going to grow and thrive?