Feeling frustrated/upset

L

lisa6

New member
Hi...

I need some advice.. H and myself are in a triad with our girlfriend for about 2 yrs now..our girlfriend has been very busy over the past 4/5 weeks.. we have squeezed in a couple of group dates and some family time with the kids present..

My issue is that we haven't been able to be intimate these past 4/5.. there was only enough time for dinner out or drinks..or it was a family event like a family dinner etc.

I don't do well going long periods without intamcy sex/cuddling.. This weekend girlfriend is going to her home town to see her parents and aunts/uncles..She could leave Sat so we could have Fri for intamcy.. it is the first real opportunity we have had to have a night that would allow intamcy in awhile.. instead she is leaving Friday to go home so she can hangout with friends..

I am feeling really upset about it.. not that I care if she goes out with friends..but that another weekend would have been better to do that since we haven't had any real quality time with her in weeks 😟.. she could have gone home sat..and she saw her family 3 out of the last like 5 weekends do to birthdays, and other family events.. so it isn't like she hasn't seen her family..this is one of the reasons we haven't had intimate date time with her..

What are your thoughts? Don't want to talk to her about it because I don't want to appear needy or clingy..
 
I suggest you talk to her about it and don't use clingy/needy words when you do. She's not a mind reader. Keep it simple:

"I miss you. It's been 4-5 weeks of "fly by drinks or family dinner." Nice, but not quality time. I would like to connect more deeply than that. I would like to have some longer quality time and includes the possibility of sex. Could you be willing to set a date with me? What date could work for you?"​

You having the need to connect more deeply than just meeting for drinks or family dinners? You having the need to connect with her sexually? That is you having some needs.

That is not you being "needy and clingy" like you cannot bear to let her out of your sight and whine all the time or something.

If this were food, you might be ok with some granola bar to tide you over here and there but sooner or later you have to have an actual meal like dinner. You can't live all day on granola bar and expect it to be deeply sustaining or nutritious. Certainly not 4-5 weeks of that.

Well, you are in a relationship. If things get crazy because of work or something and you can only get together for drinks here and there -- so be it. Things happen. But eventually, you have to reconnect with something deeper. Because the entire relationship can't be just "fly by" drinks or similar. It isn't deeply sustaining.

Galagirl
 
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Hi lisa6,

Your girlfriend seems to be oblivious to your desires for intimacy. If you're not willing to talk to her about it, she is probably going to continue to be oblivious. In which case you'll have to figure out how to make do with very little intimacy. Or maybe it will all get to be too much for you and you'll break up with her. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Communication is very important in polyamory. Sometimes that means making ourselves vulnerable. Not easy to do.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
After reading your other posts with the same theme all I have to say is...

Insanity*is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
 
I can really understand how this is making you feel. I have to say I would be feeling the same way too if it had been that long. We all have needs and having needs does not make us needy in a clingy way.
If I went this long without intimacy I would be starting to wonder if there is an issue. Ok my relationships aren't based soley on sex, but not even cuddle time would drive me nuts.

You know already that you need to talk to her about it or it will just carry on. I would be thinking the same as you, why she isn't prepared to wait one day to see people she has spent a lot of time with, when you have spent so little time together.

I hope things improve for you
 
Mulberryjiggins

Thank you jk40......

Of course I love hr and my husband too.. very hard to deal with.. my husband and myself are always the last on her list when it comes to priorities..
 
Did she behave differently when you were bff without a sexual aspect to your relationship?


Leetah
 
lisa6 said:
Don't want to talk to her about it because I don't want to appear needy or clingy.
Click to expand...


Any time a person has this thought it means that there is something to be explored internally. Something important. Your GF simply reflects whatever "this" is. What is it? You keep coming back to the same issue because the issue calls to be recognized. This isn't about your GF at all.

"Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakes."
~ Carl Jung
 
Hi thanks for the advice everyone! The things that have changed in the last year are that she has taken on a part time job that leaves her less time.. and she couldn't afford her antidepressant medication so she is off that.. I think these two things have had an impact.
 
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