How to deal with being shamed by society's labels

T

TheExplorer

Member
Hey All,

It seems one of the greatest challenges to polyamory is not managing the relationship internally, but dealing with all of the labels which establishment society puts on what we do:

For example, having sex with someone other than your partner is labeled "cheating", "affair", "adultery", etc. even if it done with full knowledge and consent of your partner.

Then a woman who has sex with a committed man is labeled as a "mistress", even if the committed man's SO fully acknowledges and consents to what is going on.

One thing that frustrates me is if I hear such labels all the time, I start to internalize them. I know the labels are just labels, but it's hard to just push them aside.

So how do you deal with all of this? Are we just supposed to keep closeted about what we do because others think we are just evil people? It bugs me out because I often hear some harsh "you should suffer in hell for what you are doing" statement from someone with this kind of thinking. Or even if it's not to such an extreme, people who know what's going on give you funny looks.
 
Hey ESM,

Shame is a feeling within ourselves and is probably rooted in our upbringing, buffered by our self confidence and impacted by society pushing on our self confidence.

I would disagree when society labels consensual non monogamy with words like "cheating", "affair" or "adultery", though I can see why, from their monogamous perspective, it can seem the same. I usually point out that the sex is between consenting adults and nobody is being hurt by it. However, this may not be a good enough reason for some people with strong religious world views, since "God" did not consent to it. In their eyes, it's still "adultery" in God's words so it remains adultery despite the consent of all humans involved.

In summary, monogamous people can sometimes change their thinking if you point out the different forms of non monogamy and draw a distinction between consensual and non consensual. If you can't, then there may be some deep-seated world views you are fighting against. If you feel their judgement shames you, and you can't avoid them, do you identify self confidence as a key aspect that you could improve in order to overcome this?

I'm not saying it's fair that you should have to work on this - I believe society should change to be more understanding and more inclusive. But you seem to be suffering from a real problem and the real practical solution would be to develop skin as hard as stone, if possible. ;)
 
Hi esmfromhawaii,

Living in the closet is a valid choice, many people do it myself included. It's too bad we have to consider that choice, but there's a lot of things society isn't ready to accept and polyamory is just one of them.

It sounds like you have endured a lot of verbal abuse. I'm sorry that has happened to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
esmfromhawaii said:
It bugs me out because I often hear some harsh "you should suffer in hell for what you are doing" statement from someone with this kind of thinking.
Click to expand...

Who are these people and why are you spending time with a person who says that anyone should burn in hell?
 
Very interesting - thanks all for your thoughts and perspectives. Generally I've been a very open person but now am starting to realize like many of you that polyamory just is not accepted in society as a whole so we need to be careful about who we open up to. I'm learning to pick up on cues from people who are interested in such a lifestyle and are more willing to share and listen.

To be fair, I was exaggerating about the "burning in hell" comment...but I actually did get the third degree from a close relative. The gist of the conversation was that what I was doing is immoral because it goes against the 7th commandment, and I should be following what religious institutions, laws (imho many of which are a bit archaic), and societal norms are telling me to do.

Nowadays we have so many ways to communicate with each other. Email, Skype, chat rooms, Facebook. It's having a dramatic effect on how we relate to each other and it seems we can stay very connected and involved with others lives in ways like never before. But our social norms are much slower to change.

And yes the funny looks actually don't bother me too much...it's just usually an indication that whoever your talking to might find not quite know how to react...
 
esmfromhawaii said:
For example, having sex with someone other than your partner is labeled "cheating"...
Click to expand...
I've found sporting metaphors can help with this. For example: picking a ball up and running with it is cheating if you're playing soccer, but it's a vital part of the game if you're playing rugby. It's not the action that makes it cheating; It's the context in which the action takes place.

If I've agreed to play soccer then I need to avoid using my hands, but if I (and everyone else on the field) am playing rugby then I don't have to do so just because it'd be against the rules if I was playing soccer.

If the rules of my relationship include "you can have sex with other people" then having sex with others isn't cheating just because monogamy exists.
 
Sorry you've had to endure that kind of treatment from people. It never ceases to amaze (and sadden) me how the people who should be the first to support us are often the first to condemn.

My husband and I are being very careful who we tell about polyamory right now. Only friends we consider safe. I think, as time goes on, we'll tell more people, and eventually let it be known to everyone, because I don't like hiding who I am. But we're not there yet.

Both our families would probably be horrified, mine more than my husband's. We walked away from our faith upbringing (and the associated religious trappings) a year ago, and that is still causing ripples between us and our families. So at least I kinda know what to expect when we decide to go public with polyamory.

Hang in there. You're not alone. And no matter how many times you hear those labels, they don't define you.
 
Personally, I just correct them. I've been living outside social norms pretty much my entire adult life. When someone pulls the God card I just look them in the eye and tell them I am unencumbered by religion.
 
Visanity, you're doing it wrong. When someone Christian tells you to believe in God, ask them which one. When they say all the rest of the gods are bogus gods except for the one God, point out that you and them are both atheists at heart, but that you just take your atheism one God further!

;)
 
I feel so fortunate in the friends I have, my "chosen family" people, and even my blood relatives who accepted a long time ago that I am likely to do strange things sometimes.

I am usually surrounded by supportive voices. If I seem to be choosing things that they are concerned about, or think might be harmful, they know they're going to need to present a pretty solid argument, because odds are, I have thought it through long and hard. Might still be a mistake I'm making in life, but it's one propped up with a thought-out justification, by golly.

The judgmental ones? I just shut them out. I don't need them making me uncomfortable, and they don't need me making them uncomfortable.
 
Does this really happen, honestly? Look, I know that a lot religious circles frown upon it, even though all involved consent, but do you have any examples of "society" criticizing those who are open about those types of relationships?

I'm not saying that it never happens, but to claim that it's just the common way in society to label poly folks as cheaters & mistresses seems like a red herring.
 
CTF said:
Does this really happen, honestly? Look, I know that a lot religious circles frown upon it, even though all involved consent, but do you have any examples of "society" criticizing those who are open about those types of relationships?

I'm not saying that it never happens, but to claim that it's just the common way in society to label poly folks as cheaters & mistresses seems like a red herring.
Click to expand...

My guess is, depends a lot on where you live, what side of "society" you will see.

In California, as in most of the west, even the more "conservative" areas are in some ways at least kind of libertarianish...they might judge you, but they do it quietly and ultimately don't care what you do, as long as you leave them alone. In other areas, (out of the ones I have lived, Virginia and Ohio, and Iowa) they expect a higher degree of conformity and if you visibly step out of line, you can and likely will see some consequences. For instance, in the aforementioned places, a woman who went to a job interview, with a tattoo of a flower on her foot showing above her dress shoe, would not get an office job. In Washington state, and in Colorado (where I have lived after living in those other places) no one would care. And in fact she could probably have purple hair, too, and it would be alright. Unless she was applying at a particularly conservative place, like one of the church orgs here in Colorado Springs for instance.

The problem is...after a while if you are surrounded by people of a certain mindset, that becomes your "normal" and what you see of "society." You think that's just the way it is...and forget that it's not that way everywhere, with everyone. There were ideas and political alignments that made a lot more sense to me when I lived in Iowa, and make no sense to me now, because I absorbed the socialization of the people around me to some extent.
 
CTF said:
Does this really happen, honestly? Look, I know that a lot religious circles frown upon it, even though all involved consent, but do you have any examples of "society" criticizing those who are open about those types of relationships?

I'm not saying that it never happens, but to claim that it's just the common way in society to label poly folks as cheaters & mistresses seems like a red herring.
Click to expand...

It happens quite a bit. It got so bad with one friend that i finally had to tell him to piss off. I had a boss that always seemed dumbfounded that I wanted to go home because he knew I was dating some women in Seattle so he just assumed my wife and I weren't together.

Does an angry crowd descend upon us with torches and pitchforks? No, but a lot of people cannot wrap their heads around the concept. People fear what they don't understand. That fear can cause people to react badly.
 
Spork said:
My guess is, depends a lot on where you live, what side of "society" you will see.

In California, as in most of the west, even the more "conservative" areas are in some ways at least kind of libertarianish...they might judge you, but they do it quietly and ultimately don't care what you do, as long as you leave them alone. In other areas, (out of the ones I have lived, Virginia and Ohio, and Iowa) they expect a higher degree of conformity and if you visibly step out of line, you can and likely will see some consequences. For instance, in the aforementioned places, a woman who went to a job interview, with a tattoo of a flower on her foot showing above her dress shoe, would not get an office job. In Washington state, and in Colorado (where I have lived after living in those other places) no one would care. And in fact she could probably have purple hair, too, and it would be alright. Unless she was applying at a particularly conservative place, like one of the church orgs here in Colorado Springs for instance.

The problem is...after a while if you are surrounded by people of a certain mindset, that becomes your "normal" and what you see of "society." You think that's just the way it is...and forget that it's not that way everywhere, with everyone. There were ideas and political alignments that made a lot more sense to me when I lived in Iowa, and make no sense to me now, because I absorbed the socialization of the people around me to some extent.
Click to expand...

What kind of consequences? Do you have any examples when it comes to the poly relationship models?

As for the tattoos, it happens everywhere. Even here in California, there are countless places that don't hire people with visible tattoos. As for me personally, I'm not concerned with things like tattoos or piercings, etc... (provided they're somewhat tasteful). I have tattoos myself. Rather, I'm talking about the specific complaint that society is judging open honest poly participants as being cheaters or mistresses.

I hear so often about the "societal pressures" against poly relationships, but have yet to see true examples beyond a friend or family member passing judgement.
 
CTF said:
I hear so often about the "societal pressures" against poly relationships, but have yet to see true examples beyond a friend or family member passing judgement.
Click to expand...
I will be mostly passing judgement, yes.
Frankly, passing judgement is bad enough, if it's your mother automatically assuming that your partner is an abuser (he must be, since he has two women) and you're just naive. Thanks, mom. The word mistress was there too, but I don't see that one as insulting.

I'm mostly not afraid of 'real consequences' and pretty much out to friends, yet I refrain from leaving to much of a poly-related footprint on my facebook, I'm not out to extended family and I would be worried of judgement to be out at work. I do the same thing with bdsm and tantra.

I believe though I could loose a job over polyamory if I was a (high) school teacher. That's why I keep my internet footprint anonymous on that topic - in case I want to work with kids some day, or take up some kind of job which requires keeping up a façade of trustworthiness (like, maybe, politics? not likely :D).
 
Last edited:
vinsanity0 said:
It happens quite a bit. It got so bad with one friend that i finally had to tell him to piss off. I had a boss that always seemed dumbfounded that I wanted to go home because he knew I was dating some women in Seattle so he just assumed my wife and I weren't together.

Does an angry crowd descend upon us with torches and pitchforks? No, but a lot of people cannot wrap their heads around the concept. People fear what they don't understand. That fear can cause people to react badly.
Click to expand...

I'm not talking angry mobs, but rather, there seems to be a lot of chatter about society handing out consequences to openly poly individuals. This is not the same as a disagreement with a friend, or erroneous assumptions made by your boss.

Of course there are people who don't understand, there are also those who do, but disagree on a personal level (myself sort of included), but I have yet to see anything by "society", that signifies substantive punishment.
 
Tinwen said:
I will be mostly passing judgement, yes.
Frankly, passing judgement is bad enough, if it's your mother automatically assuming that your partner is an abuser (he must be, since he has two women) and you're just naive. Thanks, mom. The word mistress was there too, but I don't see that one as insulting.

I'm mostly not afraid of 'real consequences' and pretty much out to friends, yet I refrain from leaving to much of a poly-related footprint on my facebook, I'm not out to extended family and I would be worried of judgement to be out at work. I do the same thing with bdsm and tantra.

I believe though I could loose a job over polyamory if I was a (high) school teacher. That's why I keep my internet footprint anonymous on that topic - in case I want to work with kids some day, or take up some kind of job which requires keeping up a façade of trustworthiness (like, maybe, politics? not likely :D).
Click to expand...

Again... family members & friends passing judgment is not the issue at hand. Of course, we'll always have someone who sees us in a negative light. Hell, my mother would be devastated if she found out I'm an Atheist. I have a number of family members who would either try to convert me, or disown me, so it becomes a need to know basis. And even though I too am in such a lopsided minority, I'm not under any delusions of societal consequences.

And btw, under most circumstances, you cannot lose your job for being poly. Your jurisdiction may vary, but chances are, they'd be up against a hell of a lawsuit if they tried.
 
CTF, what definition are you using for "social consequences"? Being ostracised by friends or family members due to your relationship choices seems like a textbook example to me.
 
I'd imagine that you might be passed over for promotion in some high profile jobs if your superiors took a distatse your lifestyle choice. I'd imagine in some occupations, they'd rather not risk a media fallout over the issue. Just imagining stuff. I have no real evidence.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top