Fell in love with a Poly and I am Mono - It crashed and burned

M

MonoShocked

New member
Hey everyone,

I thought I would hit you all up since you could probably shed some light on what happened to me.

About 9 months ago I met a guy who was currently with his girlfriend for the last 3 years and had a 3 year old daughter too. As some background, he had got married fairly early in life.. he had two kids but he had cheated on her and she kicked him out. He is also bi-curious and had one incident with a guy/girl couple. I can't remember if he had this happen while he was with his girlfriend now or not. I do know his girlfriend did find an email (that he left open on his computer) about trying to hook up with a couple. She was devastated and hasn't trusted him since. It also (I think) is what killed their sex life. I'm guessing she continues to stay due to the baby and love of course.

For me, it was one of the most beautiful love affairs I have ever had. Initially he wasn't super clear about his intentions to become poly. He talked about leaving his GF a lot but was terrified of hurting her and losing his daughter. Then he made a comment and I quote "I want to have sex with as many people as possible" which of course freaked me out. He has a very high sex drive, suffers from Bi-polar, is on loads of meds, is in therapy, had a few breakdowns and his therapist said he has suffered some sort of trauma in his life but he doesn't know what it is. He has told me he used sex to pump up his self esteem because he knows its very low.

He is super hypersexual. Spends almost every evening masturbating to porn, reads a lot of erotic material and it looks like he was open to meeting others while we were together. I told him I had no problem with him being bi-sexual but then when he started talking about and this time he switched his words to "I want to be in non-exclusive, loving, sexual relationships. We had talked about it, I had even thought maybe I could handle this.

For 9 months, he had sex with a "Friend" while I was on vacation. I live in another country (western europe) but I am American. I knew I was leaving to go back to America in 6 months so I had asked him if I could have his full attention while I was in Europe. I guess there was a misunderstanding because he ended up being with a "friend" that he would sleep with a couple times a year. I was angry and thought I wasn't asking much so it was a problem to work through that.

When I went back to the states, we kept in touch daily... had long amazing emails... and he was always very honest.

Long story short, a week after I came back he casually mentioned he went on some date with a girl that he found attractive, funny, and even said maybe there was a future for him with her. It was like he was talking to his best friend.
I lost my SHITE and told him to go eff himself and good luck with her and the texts just got ugly. I told him it was great being with him and enjoyed our months together. He got confused and didn't understand why I was going nuts. I told him I would write him in an email when I came to my senses. 5 days later he wrote me the most emotionless email (like it could have been from my cousin I hadn't seen in 15 years) saying that he was waiting for an email from me but decided to take it another direction that he didn't like being called "fucked up".. yes.. I said that.. and that we needed to be away from each other for quite awhile and that if in a few years I see him differently, I could resume conversation with him and we could go for a coffee. I.WAS.STUNNED.

He is also in the process of separating from his GF and in fact, he did it two days after I returned back to Europe. He finally told her and of course, that's going to be an ugly break up. She had a break down which I understand but I also feel she probably knew he wasn't faithful to her.

He romanced me like NO OTHER for 9 months. We spent so much time together and it was just so intense both emotionally and sexually. Then he cut me off like I was an arm with gangrene.

My question is.. at the age of 42.. is this what people do when they realize they are poly? I mean, is it this much turmoil? I'm sorry that I led him to believe I could handle it but I fell in love with him... HARD. And I realized poly isn't for me. I kind of wanted to learn about it.. and did.. spent days learning about it but its just not for me. So, I lashed out.. and he dumped me. WOW.

Help me understand how people realize they are not mono and go poly.. and did I get stuck in the transition?

Please enlighten me. Thanks in advance everyone.
 
Your guy cheated on his partner with both of you and then cheated on both of you with his new partner. This isn't polyamory, it is a cheating affair. Or rather two cheating affairs, one of them cheating two women. It is just a lot of cheating.

Polyamory is multiple consensual relationships, not serial cheating. Simply telling you what he wants to do and you trying to accept it is not polyamory.

Time to say good riddance to bad rubbish.

Edit: This may sound harsh, but he appears to be a person who is in the single minded pursuit of sex. He has been caught cheating before. He didn't exactly get your consent so much as changed the relationship on you after you were involved and well, you could take it or leave it.

In my view, you didn't get stuck in the transition to polyamory, you weren't introduced to it in any kind of an ethical manner. Your polyamorous partner ought to have a clear relationship with you that you consent to. Not just be informed of it and be updated as to what he does.
 
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It looks to me less like the problem was that you're mono and he's poly, and more like the problem was that you were involved with a cheater who has no idea how to treat anyone with basic decency. Poly requires the consent of everyone involved, but as you tell it his GF didn't know about you, so she can't have consented.

I'd say you got caught in the fallout from a particularly messy midlife crisis. The fact that he slapped a "poly" label on it in an attempt to justify his behaviour doesn't mean his actions should be excused.
 
This isn't a poly issue but a he is a douche canoe problem.
 
It sounds like he has significant mental health issues which he's unable/unwilling to address. Not a good candidate for dating, let alone poly dating.
 
You're hurting. I hope things get better for you soon.

He has issues. I'd guess he had a childhood that was missing in love. Either divorced parents at a young age ( age 1-4 years, but realistically any age less than 7 years), parents who stayed together butwho fought each other for attention and favouritism with their kids, or sexual abuse, emotional deprivation or foster care.

He's chasing an NRE high. Soaking up love and affection because it's the sweetest thing to him. It's understandable, as a child, he's been craving this every day. He woos you like no other because he wants to see the desire in your eyes, that look that makes him the most loved person in your world.

The problem of course, is that your love alone is not enough. It's not your love he's searching for. He's an adult, stuck at the developmental stage of a young child learning what love and security is and has not been able to move forward. It's not your love he's searching for, it's his parents. I'm sorry for you. And for him too if I'm honest with myself, though I wouldn't want him anywhere near me or my romantic partners.
 
The cold letter he sent to you is, I would guess, the way he handled love rejection as a child - build a wall of impenetrable ambivalence. Don't let anyone who was once close to you betray you again, is what I feel may be going through his mind.
 
I chuckled when I read some of your responses which is what I needed.

I DO think he is trying to better himself with therapy and the breaking up of his current relationship is an attempt to live a more authentic life. I DO take some of the blame because he was clear with me on occasions that he just sleeps with other people. But my dumba$$ wasn't having it. The sexual and emotional connection was just too deep. He spent every moment he could with me when he wasn't at work or taking care of family stuff.

He SEEMED honest with me about things and its like I couldn't handle it. I could have left the moment he said he wanted to "sleep around" so I do take some blame here.... but I fell in love because he has such an amazing mind.. he's very intelligent amongst other things. And the sex.. well... not like anything I've ever had in my life.

But I wasn't mentally in a good place and when he casually told me that he had gone out with a friend of a couple he knows... he told me she was attractive and clever and etc. I thought, if the guy truly knew that I loved him... why would he say these things? He said there might be a future there for him but that he couldn't do "futures" right now.

When I lashed out I said "does she know how fucked up you are?"... amongst other very mean things.. I told him Id write him when I came to my senses.. a few days go by.. and he sends me a "I care about you but we deserved to respect each other in our own ways. We need to be away from each other for quite awhile and in a few years if you see me differently, and want to resume conversation, then I'd be happy to have coffee with you. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

That was it! Like... who writes that after 9 months of a heavy affair?!

I just thought I couldn't handle his ways.. and he mentioned being a poly person at some point but I assumed he was getting rid of his current GF so that he could live a certain way.. and I kind of got caught up in the whole "change over"... I do take the blame on some of it.
 
Shaya said:
You're hurting. I hope things get better for you soon.

He has issues. I'd guess he had a childhood that was missing in love. Either divorced parents at a young age ( age 1-4 years, but realistically any age less than 7 years), parents who stayed together butwho fought each other for attention and favouritism with their kids, or sexual abuse, emotional deprivation or foster care.

He's chasing an NRE high. Soaking up love and affection because it's the sweetest thing to him. It's understandable, as a child, he's been craving this every day. He woos you like no other because he wants to see the desire in your eyes, that look that makes him the most loved person in your world.

The problem of course, is that your love alone is not enough. It's not your love he's searching for. He's an adult, stuck at the developmental stage of a young child learning what love and security is and has not been able to move forward. It's not your love he's searching for, it's his parents. I'm sorry for you. And for him too if I'm honest with myself, though I wouldn't want him anywhere near me or my romantic partners.
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Wow... amazing insight! He does have some childhood issues and total lack of self esteem.. and he admits this. He also says he has used sex to boost his self esteem...His parents were married until his dad died but there was something missing in the parental factor for sure.

You're right.. I was just a "tool" for his self esteem...he never loved me.. he liked the idea of me I guess. But to throw the whole "I want to be poly" thing is a disservice to the community. Looks like I got taken for a mental health ride which left me destroyed. I wonder how many other dead bodies he will leave in his path?
 
Hi MonoShocked,

Sorry you got burned so badly, and like the others said, there is no polyamory without full disclosure and all-around consent. This guy you were with is not ready for poly. He needs to get his own house in order first, then do some basic research (just reading about polyamory in Wikipedia would help). He absolutely must stop deceiving people.

I hope you are able to get some healing and recovery.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi.

I say this kindly, but I would also recommend against affairs in future. They often burn brightly while the romance lasts but don't work in the long run. This example is of a man who had an affair, had his entire life turned upside down and is now an affair counsellor. Despite the Love he had for his affair partner, things didn't work out and he gives an enlightening story of why relationships that start as affairs rarely work in the long term even if everything else is good.

http://www.affairhealing.com/mark-affair-story.html
 
Shaya said:
Hi.

I say this kindly, but I would also recommend against affairs in future. They often burn brightly while the romance lasts but don't work in the long run. This example is of a man who had an affair, had his entire life turned upside down and is now an affair counsellor. Despite the Love he had for his affair partner, things didn't work out and he gives an enlightening story of why relationships that start as affairs rarely work in the long term even if everything else is good.

http://www.affairhealing.com/mark-affair-story.html
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Shayla,

You've been quite the voice of reason. You seem like a very level headed person. I appreciate your input. Also, reading the boards, I noticed you posted a question about France and the French... for what's its worth, I live in France and this person I got involved with is French.

The French have a bit more of a liberal attitude about sex. They lack the "puritan" American attitude so many of us Americans have.. however, as you can see, this is one person I would have been better off not knowing and lets hope that most of them aren't the way this guy is.
 
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I was quite surprised when I learnt that no one on polyamory.com was French. Thought this place would be populated by the French, or maybe that's a racist statement. Hmmm.... gotta watch what I type when I'm drunk. Just greeted a new guy on the intro thread in a most un-Shaya-like manner.
 
Shaya said:
I was quite surprised when I learnt that no one on polyamory.com was French. Thought this place would be populated by the French, or maybe that's a racist statement. Hmmm.... gotta watch what I type when I'm drunk. Just greeted a new guy on the intro thread in a most un-Shaya-like manner.
Click to expand...

Well, maybe they are all like the guy I got involved with? Maybe they SEEM open about it but its more of a "I know about it but chose to look away"... I really think that is more of the culture here. I think a more racist statement is that there would be several Dutch here :p:D
 
This is not polyamory.

This man cheated on his girlfriend, the mother of his child, with you. Then, he cheated on the both of you with a new woman. You had every right to lose your shit, and what he did is fucked up.

Healthy polyamory does not involve cheating - EVER. Everyone knows what is going on, and is okay with it. You always revisit boundaries/rules regularly, and check in with all partners to make sure everyone is comfortable and happy.

I'm sorry that this man made you think that what he was doing is polyamory, and hurt you so badly. This isn't poly at all.
 
I agree with the posters above me. This has nothing to do with a poly relationship, this is simply abuse. Unfortunately this guy is probably a sociopath and wherever he goes there's chaos and destruction. I had my fair share of this kind of people in my life. There are so many red lines (that you know about, trust me there's even more), he just doesn't care about anyone. Please don't think that you can *change him*, trust me, that's not working. As long as you allow it, he will continue to lie to you and to exploit in any way possible. I feel sorry for you and for all his other victims, including his children. There's just one solution, stay strong and move on.
 
So this guy knows he is "bipolar" and takes meds, does therapy, and his therapist suspects he had buried some traumatic event or situation. He also knows he has low self esteem.

As Multitude just said, he might also be a sociopath, specifically, a Don Juan narcissist. However, it is unusual for a narcissist to seek therapy, since it lowers their inflated opinion of themselves. So he doesn't admit he's a narc. Claims he's bipolar. Well, people can have a double diagnosis. My narc ex was on the autism spectrum. As were his parents. It can be hard to distinguish the behaviors.

Some things I have read state that narcs are often the product of a narc parent or parents.

Narcs are often, at first, very charming, great sex partners, seem like the "perfect" person for you. They will talk for hours to you online. They will shower you with attention, "love," gifts, sex, romantic dates, make you laugh, cuddle you, praise and compliment you, your looks, your sex abilities, your projects, your home decor and garden, your talents. They might even get you to do unusual sexual things, like things in public. It feels naughty and exciting and like they desire you so much, they must just take you in public, just out of sight of others, almost getting caught. It all makes you feel really "hot," really valued, loved.

But it's all a con. This is just the idealisation phase. Once their NRE wears off, they no longer get the "supply" of the boost to their ego that you once provided. They move on to the devaluation phase: flirting with others online or irl, sexting or sex Skyping, then cheating. If they ID as poly, they will be mad at you for being mad at their choice to start seeing others frequently. They will throw their new feelings for the new person in your face. This is called triangulation. They might also "gaslight" you to cause you to doubt your own feelings and actions and words.

Next follows the cold emotionless discard.

Often, 6 weeks after the breakup, they will attempt to "Hoover" you back in. Beware, this could happen to you.

Please google narcissist, relationship with a narcissist, top 10 signs of a narcissist, etc.

Here is one link (read the comments too):

http://esteemology.com/the-three-ph...ip-cycle-over-evaluation-devaluation-discard/

I was in a relationship with a poly narc for 2.5 years so I feel obligated to warn poly people about poly narcs. Your guy cheated, but my ex was open about things. He was married, but he told me all about previous lovers he had. When I moved closer to him after a year of seeming bliss (went from 25 miles away to 7), he started the discard phase. (He had also seduced my long term girlfriend/partner, and they had a FWB thing for a few months, until I asked her to stop.) His sexual desire for me started to wane. The fact that he was just using me became more and more obvious. He started getting women online to flirt with. To send dick pix to. He went on a few dates that led nowhere. Finally he found some fresh good "supply." He told me all about a married younger MF couple he started to date, as their male unicorn. He drove a wedge between the 2 of them as well! They were poly newbies and he'd play them against each other, sneaking out with one, then the other, putting one up on the pedestal, the other down, back and forth. The couple broke up and got back together with him 3 times in a few months. He kept seducing them back. I got fully disgusted with his treatment of them, as well as of me, and dumped him. He tried to hoover me back 42 days after I dumped him. I met with him, got re-disgusted, and went "no contact" for good.

Luckily I have good self esteem and he didn't ruin my life. But it took me 6 months before I was ready to date anyone besides my dear girlfriend.
 
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I see things slightly differently. I don't see where he cheated on you. He did cheat with you on his GF. You seem fine with doing that to her. You even try to justify it by saying she probably knew anyway.

Then you have some discussions and he says he wants to be non-monogamous. It sounds like you agreed to that. It doesn't sound like you two had much of a discussion about boundaries or anything. That sort of leaves things wide open.

The reality is you weren't really okay with it. You are mono. You had this romantic notion that your love would conquer all. Obviously he would see your love for him and come to his senses. There is no reason to feel bad about that. It's pretty common.

Another thing that is pretty common is his wanting to keep you in the loop. However, that is something we usually discuss. He sounds like a guy that needs a lot of communication from his partner. He is horrible at reading reactions. I can relate to this. My wife told me she wasn't comfortable discussing our other relationships with each other because it felt like we were just two friends talking. The problem was she was my best friend, as well as a plethora of other things. I felt kind of hurt by that, but respected her feelings.

Your guy has emotional problems. It shouldn't have shocked you that he shut down when the woman he loved told him he was "fucked up". I think you realize you were just lashing out at him because things weren't going your way. His defense mechanism was to shut down emotionally.

I think you did get caught in a transitional phase. Unfortunately, he was not in a good place mentally. You were not prepared to handle that and deal with your own feelings. What you have been feeling closely mirrors the 5 stages of grief.

Denial: Everything was fine when you were the other woman. Now that he has met you he will change.

Anger: He didn't change. Obviously he is an asshole.

Bargaining: If only he saw how much you loved him...

Depression: We all feel that after a loss

Acceptance: You are working on this part. I think you realize poly isn't for you. When we break up with someone it is often easiest to place the blame on the other partner so we don't have to look at ourselves. Plenty of people have rushed in to help you do this. I think your second post shows that you do accept some of the responsibility. That's very healthy, IMO.

At this point you need to move on with the knowledge you have gained.
 
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