Zeggplant is back (with a lot of questions)

[Zeggplant]

Hi everyone,

I've spent the last 2 days writing down some thoughts I had. I would like to share them with you here, and I hope you can give me some feedback.
It'll be a 4 part thing, with a lot of text. I'll tell you who I am, who is my partner, why I came on this forum last November and how I'm doing now.

I hope it's not too much. I could really use some help discussing and figuring out stuff.


See you below !

 

[Zeggplant]

I) Who am I (what matters)

I feel it is important to give you a better idea of who I am and how my heart and mind work. It'll help (me?) determine how I view poly and how I fit in this whole thing.

That being said, remember that I am only 24 and still have a lot to learn/to work on.

I've always been a daydreamer. I've always been living in my inner world which is complex and full of adventures. I'm rarely out of my bubble and act most of the time in auto pilot.
Thanks to that (or because of that?) I am able to function, almost like a machine or a robot, in any given situation. I can be in intense pain and still be operational. I have been a wonderful nanny while depressed and suicidal ; I have written essays during exams while having a migraine. I'm not saying that to brag, just so you can understand what I'll say later on.

I have also been easily obsessed with things/subjects/persons for a short period of time, but so intensely that I almost feel a physical starvation for knowledge of that subject or presence of that person. It could be love, it could be crush, it could be friendship. Either way it's always intense but fades away once I have satisfied my craving.

Apart from that, I've always felt deeply concerned about people's emotional and physical well-being around me. While I spent my early years until ~18 in my bubble - making me wonder, later in life, whether I may have Asperger Syndrome, but I digress - and didn't really understand the impact of my actions on others, I still can say that even as a child I felt compelled to "fix" people who don't feel good.
May some kind of superhero or nurse complex, I don't know. It comes from the fact that I've lived alone with my mom for 12 years, just the two of us, and of course I felt responsible for her well-being. I've worked on that issue already, with several therapists.
I became a very caring and affectionate person. For people who matter to me - and pretty much everyone around me matters, even just the client or the coworker I'll see 5 minutes a day - I can do a lot. I've had a friend on the phone for 3 hours a day, everyday, for a week, because she was about to break up with an abusive boyfriend and she was scared.

But that doesn't mean I don't listen to my own needs. Helping people around me, being nice to them and making them happy is actually one of my needs. And even though for a long time I've been unable to express my own needs this has since changed and now I allow myself to say what I want and need. Not all the time, and of course it depends on the subject, but when I feel I know precisely what I want I make people know.

The last thing I'd like to say about me is that I've battled social anxiety and depression already. They're still around sometimes but after hospitalization, therapy, a lot of self-improvement I can now proudly say that I don't need any more medication and that I'm out of the "life-threatening zone" for good. I've fought for that, and at no point I've tried to run away from my problems. When I delay action it's because I feel there is more to it, it's not the right time or I feel I don't have all the infos.

Here's all that I think matters about me. It's not a tinder profile, and although it can look like I've omitted some negative aspects of who I am - and I did - I only put what I felt was necessary for a better understanding of things I may write later on.

 

[Zeggplant]

II) Who is Be [what matters]

My current boyfriend, Be, is 26. We met 4 and a half years ago, and at the end of the month we'll celebrate our 4th year together.

Be has a very complicated past, and I don't know a whole lot of it. What I know is that his parents had divorced early and that his mom went with a violent man. I know that he defended her at some point and even hit the guy. I think he was pretty young at the time, maybe less than 10. He and his little brothers spent some time, maybe some years, in an institution after their mom was sent to a psychiatric hospital.
He had to grow up quickly to take care of his brothers and his mom. When I see them together, I sometimes wonder who is the adult and who's the child.

When we met he was living alone. Prior to that he had been in a 5 years relationship with his 1st important girlfriend (you know, the "first true love"...) who cheated on him. Apparently - I know that from his brother - she cheated on him for a few months and became irritated all the time. When he found out he broke up and left.

Be used to have anger management issues. While he never became physically abusive, he used to shut himself down when angry. I could feel violence in him and I'm sure shutting down was the only way he knew - at the time - to avoid exploding. That being said, silent treatment is pretty hard especially considering that at the time I was deep into social anxiety - and, later on, depression. I was unable to put clear limits in his behavior.
As I started feeling better, though, and as I felt more assertive, things went drastically better. Little by little I started telling him his harsh words and silents were unfair, and little by little he started apologizing and stopped doing that. When people ask me why I stayed despite all that, I always answer that I knew the potential we had.
He also wasn't there when I faced depression. It was too much for him, I suppose. I guess it reminded him of his mother, and he didn't feel like bearing this once again. We never discussed this abandonment (it felt like one for me) and since then things became so much better between us that it would only bring harm to talk about it.
However, I did tell him my trust in him was in a bad shape after these events, and that only good experiences and time could help me heal this wound. And it did.

Now, more of the positive sides of Be : when he feels secure enough, he is very gentle and affectionate. Even after 4 years he sends me texts every day with a heart or a "I love you". He likes to cuddle and kiss, and when we're in public he likes to stay by me, stroke my hair or my hand.
He makes me laugh. A lot ! ^_^
He's always helpful, whenever we're with family or friends he would do the dishes, bake a cake or pay for people's drinks. He's great with kids and my siblings (who are pretty young, from 5 to 12) love him very much.
He's pretty rational too and helps me get back on Earth when I'm too deep in my world.
Also, it took some time, but now I can ask for comfort whenever I feel sad or depressed, or anxious, even if he doesn't understand the reasons he now accepts it as it is.

He is loved by everyone, for he is caring, helpful and fun to be around. I am amazed at how well he turned considering what he's been through.

Now, here's the thing [that matters] : I'm afraid he has abandonment issues and that he's the kind of person who could be satisfied with just a love relationship. He's got friends and colleagues and hobbies but now he'd rather stay at home with me, and sometimes he would even cancel his plans with friends if I say I'm not coming. On the other hand, he's 100% okay with me going out with my friends or spending some alone time. I asked him to tell me whenever he felt neglected though as I can be carried away in new friendship or hobbies and that I would always listen and cancel anything if necessary. He never used that veto right but he knows he can.
He isn't very good at expressing his needs. Whether it is physical, emotional, or sexual, I usually am the one checking on him and insisting to know if he wants anything. He carries my bags, lets me have the last slice of pizza, lets me decide how and when we have sex - all of that whether I want it or not.

Now that I've worked on myself enough to have a strong self esteem and self confidence, I begun working on the dynamics of our relationship. I'm starting to let him know he too can eat the last chicken nugget or make me know whenever he has any desire. He doesn't lack desire, but it's complicated for him to express it.

All of that being said, I love him very much, and I feel we've both worked so hard to make this work that we really deserve what we have now. When I come home, later than him, it's an everyday joy and comfort to know he'll welcome me and that we'll snuggle on the couch during dinner. I sense he'll be an awesome father. I am not afraid to spend my life with him. I feel we are now intimate enough to talk and work on most issues we may encounter, and while we still have a lot to learn we're on a good way.

 

[Zeggplant]

III) Polyamory.com [what brought me here]

I came to this forum last November as I was struggling with feelings I had for another man. It begun last August, and after a roller-coaster of emotions and events I'd say my feelings settled down on March. For eight months I kept those feelings secret. Only my closest friends and my therapist knew, as well as my mom.

Being attracted to someone, or having a crush while in a relationship, isn't that rare for me. But this time it really took a serious turn, as I could see Sleepwalker was as interested in me as I was him.
I started wondering whether it was normal or not, since my feelings for him didn't alter those I had for Be. I even felt I loved Be even better now that I had two to love (I know it probably wasn't actual love I had for Sleepwalker but let me hope...)

Sleepwalker is 31. I've known him for more than a year but we would only see each for roleplay sessions with other people. I didn't think much of him. Then late August he went to other events and I started noticing him a bit more. He was touching, and I felt how lost and unhappy he was. So, having the superhero complex, I felt compelled to help him feel better !
We started talking more by PM on a forum we're on, then on Skype, I would at the beginning spend hours talking to him after Be was asleep, then at work when I wasn't busy, and so on. I started being involved in his writing project.
I liked how I could see beyond his grumpiness and his apparent mean personality. I could see how insecure and tender he was. And I was right : as we started talking more, I saw that part of him that I only sensed at first. While thick-headed on some subjects and sometimes prone to criticize unfairly, he actually is very kind and ingenuous ; his bad behavior, I understood, is here as a defensive mechanism.

I grew more and more attached to him but felt deeply guilty. At some point I remembered someone talking about polyamory so I did some research. I'll develop that later, but basically I really thought I had discovered a part of me that I thought was abnormal and deviant.Loving two at the same time was possible, and some people were living it on a daily basis ! What a relief, to know that I wasn't such a monster after all.

I then thought about how it could impact me, Be, Sleepwalker and the different connections I had with them. Because of what I said earlier about Be, I didn't expect him to understand, I feared he would stay stuck on a misunderstanding and that it would destroy our relationship.
On the other hand, Sleepwalker had just started feeling better in life in general and he even got a girlfriend (...that didn't work for long though) ; and I thought telling him I had feelings for him but couldn't pursue, knowing that he liked me too, would have been unfair and useless. He wasn't even stable enough by himself, I couldn't bear the guilt of making him feel unhappy again to know there would have been something that, in the end, didn't happen.

So I decided to say nothing. Every time I would feel an impulse for Sleepwalker I would redirect it towards Be. I would hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him, using the energy my feelings for Sleepwalker gave me. I used that ability I have to function no matter what I feel, and ignored the pain it caused me to shush my feelings. Be was ultra happy, he was showered in love and affection, and it actually made us even closer than we were before.
I always told Be when I was going to see Sleepwalker (just as I would do any other friend). I also told him we talked late at night. He had the facts, but didn't have the feelings involved with them. This helped me a lot, as I was afraid I'd become secretive and create a "secret garden" where I'd be free to pursue something with Sleepwalker in secret. I've done something like that before and I know how easy it is for me to go back to the "dark side". I like to handle things my own way...
I think at some point he guessed something was going on : he began having harsh words about Sleepwalker whenever I talked about him.

"Hm, Sleepwalker almost got in a fight with Lambda, it started as a joke but it almost turned very bad
- Yeah well isn't that something he does all the time ? Say stupid and mean stuff that make people hate him?"

"Sleepwalker sent me a new part to correct for the book, this one might take me a week.
- No surprise, didn't you tell me his grammar was hideous?"

And so on. He would also look insecure at times when I was going to work with Sleepwalker on the writing project. But he never clearly said anything, and after some time he relaxed. I don't know how but somehow my behavior made him secure again.

As for Sleepwalker, I became jealous and anxious when he started a relationship with a woman. Since I forced myself to be content with what I had with him, I panicked at the idea that the little things we had together would disappear. I became irrational, and convinced myself that he was really distancing himself from me. It wasn't true, but in my inner world it was. So we got in a Skype fight and both said horrible things to each other. At the same time we both expressed being attached to each other. It was weird, it was painful, but it liberated us from the tension that has been here for months. We both apologized, and we both forgave. During January we barely talked. Then the roleplay sessions started again, and we also got back to working on the writing project.
I made sure not to nurture too much of my "romantic" feelings for Sleepwalker, without avoiding being friendly. It turned out okay, and my feelings slowly calmed down after 8 month. Now we go for a coffee once a week and work on the project. It's going well so far ! I can look in his eyes without my heart skipping a beat. I see him as he is, and not as an idealized person. I'd say we're friends, and that this chapter has had a happy ending. Well, a realistic happy ending.

 

[Zeggplant]

IV) Am I poly? [What brings me back here]

What happened with Sleepwalker strengthened my relationship with Be. We grew closer, became more comfortable and safe with each other.

Sleepwalker and I still work on our writing project, we expect it to be ready for September.

Last January, some health issues arose : I started having genital eczema. I had to wait 3 months to have a proper diagnosis, but after a proper treatment it got away... until last week.
My therapist told me eczema usually appears on people who have to face a change that is too painful to endure. A shock, a grief, a divorce, something they have to accept but they cannot. I thought, since it's in a very peculiar body zone, it might be linked to my understanding that I have a mindset fit for poly, but that I chose not to make it official. I thought this might be the way my body made me pay for the secrecy, for ignoring the pain, for handling things on my own in the shadows for the "greater good", or at least the well-being of others.

Last week, one of my coworker left. I had a bit of a crush for him, nothing serious. Apart from that, he was an great asset for the team, and knowing that he was about to leave made me anxious. The return of my eczema, at the same moment, made me wonder if there was something I had to deal with, something more than just physical ; and if so, would that be somehow linked to the whole poly questioning ?

The exact same day I started wondering, I received a PM sent by someone from the forum.
So, yeah, here I am !

Now that my life is calmer (in the romantical field at least) I want to take some time to reflect on what I think polyamory means, and how I can fit in all that. Here are different things I've observed through introspection, and that caused me emotional pain or discomfort, and that could be linked to it :

A/ Inadequate way of expressing affection.
I don't know how to put this, but I can sense I am different in my way of considering affection and the way to express it. The difference between love and friendship can be very blurry for me. I have a female friend who I know I could hug or kiss or maybe more if the circumstances lead us to that. That wouldn't mean I'd be in love with her.
Intimacy and physical contact is to me just a way to appropriately express affection, no matter what "role" the other person has. If I didn't learn social standards, if I were more spontaneous, I wouldn't put people in boxes with "friends" and "lover" attached to it. I would flirt and kiss, embrace and caress, joke and dream ; it wouldn't matter if what I feel is "love" or something else.
I know what I have with my partner is different, I want to stay committed to him in a special way that includes living together, making his well-being a priority on top of other people's (I mean friends and family). I guess commitment (and maybe sex? Ill come back to that later) is what makes this relationship different.
On the other hand, I wouldn't be physical with just anyone. I'm still figuring out what would be my limits, but let's just say for now I wouldn't be physical (hug, touch, kiss, sex) with someone that I don't have any affection for. I don't think I would enjoy casual one-night stands, for example. Maybe I could with a friend.
Okay, I'll stop now on that subject, I'd rather discuss that with other people rather than just by myself... It's just too confusing to tackle alone.

B/ Fear of being stuck in life.
You know how society make life look as if the main quest of it all was to find one person, marry them, have kinds, and then die ? I may not have played a lot of video games, but I know for sure that finishing the main quest and not having the opportunity of having fun with the side quests isn't entertaining enough for me.
I am happy to have Be as my partner in life. I already covered how good this relationship is to me. I have no fear of spending my life with him, and by the look of it we should be healthy enough, as individuals and as a couple, to make it strong and long-lasting. However, I do fear getting stuck in a role, in an identity, that takes opportunities from me. Maybe it's because I'm only 24, but when Be implied he may propose at some point, I panicked.

Others would be thrilled to already have a steady partner who wants to marry them. But all I can think is "and then what?". Do I definitely stop dreaming about others stuff I'd like to explore but I'll never be able to have with Be? Is this what life is about, definitive choices that we make, and then that's all ?
Again I am not sure what I am or want exactly. But I do know this perspective of exclusiveness scares me. Which leads me to :

C/ What do I want, that Be cannot give to me.
When I think about Sleepwalker, and some others I had feelings for, I realize there are some aspects of a romantical relationship I would like to explore, but I can't have with Be.
I don't actively crave those aspects, thought I can see the men I've had feelings for usually had them. It's like a relationship with them would have complemented what I already have. Be isn't creative, he doesn't have a lot of imagination (and I don't mean that as a negative trait, that's just who he is). Sleepwalker, on the other hand, can imagine complex stories and tell them, impersonate the characters... We had great creative talks, and when we work on ideas for the writing project it feels so good !

Another aspect I fear I may never explore with Be is sex. Be is very gentle and attentive to what I want, but that means he never take any initiative. Unless I clearly say so, we won't change positions, we won't try anything different. I talked to him about that, and he said he just doesn't think about it, and that he's personally satisfied with what we have.
I think sex is like a playground. It's fun, you can experiment, you can play, even roleplay ! But it's no fun playing by my only rules. And while I really appreciate Be's concern for my own satisfaction, and that he respects my needs and my desires, I really feel there's something missing here.
Be is totally vanilla. I tried to play a bit with him but it already took months to make him understand a bite isn't a bad thing in the good context. And he would only do it... when I ask. I fear I'll regret not exploring more of that. I used to mess around with my ex, we'd experiment, test our limits. It was fun ! And I miss that. I wish I could find someone to play with, because I know Be wouldn't be interested in complex sexual interactions.


D/ What if I am poly ? / Why I won't talk to Be for now.
If I were to consider myself poly, that would mean this :
- I wouldn't feel guilty for my crushes anymore
- Whenever those crushes would appear, it would make it easier for me to deeply think about what to do with them
- If I were to actually really like someone, I could (in an ideal world where my partner would consent to that) stay flirty and playful with them, and maybe develop an actual relationship with them
- I may become more spontaneous with my friends who know me enough to handle a hug or a kiss (there are some)
- I'd be more honest about my feelings. My friends and my partner would know something is troubling me and I wouldn't have to hide it anymore. I wouldn't have to feel like a crush is a monstrous secret. For now I always fear Be will come across my texts to my friends whenever I bring up the subject of polyamory (or when I talk about my feelings).

I've been writing all that for 2 days now, and I have to end it on a clear note : no, I will not talk to Be right away. Yes, I am afraid to lose him. Yes, for now it makes me feel frustrated and anxious sometimes. Yes, I will have to talk to him at some point. But as long as I don't have a clear idea of what's going on I won't tell him anything. I know how he is, and I don't want to put unnecessary stress or pain to our relationship. Once I have a better understanding of what I am/want, I'll start thinking about discussing it with him.

Thank you for reading, I know it's a lot of text. Writing all that down exhausted me, but I have great hopes it'll help me discuss and understand better who I am.

Feel free to comment on any part of this, I'd love to have some feedback.

Have a nice day/evening/night

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. I hope you feel a bit better for writing all that out.

The nutshell highlights to me seem to be something like this. I might be wrong. You correct me, ok? But maybe seeing it condensed in bullet list form as firmer statements helps you clarify what it is and is not. I'll quote just to visually block it off for you to look at and consider.

BACKGROUND

• I am coming to terms with my being poly after a crush on a guy, Sleepwalker. That never became a thing, but it was an eye opening experience for me.
  
• I am not in an Open relationship at this time.
• I have dating Be for 4 years.

MY HEALTH

Past stuff, but healed:

• past depression
• past suicidal thoughts
• social anxiety

Work in progress:

• past difficulties with setting healthy boundaries (?)
• possible undiagnosed Asperger's (and its related stuff -- obsessing on topics, being a "robot", not noticing pain, etc)
• recently learned how to express my needs in a healthy way and become more confident in being assertive.
• used to have "White Knight" Syndrome (Super Hero Rescue People thing) and learning to let that go.

New things:

• eczema from stress

CURRENT PROBLEM/SOURCE OF STRESS

• As I've worked hard to become a healthier person in myself, I'm having another eye-opening experience. I am learning Love may not be enough. There has to be more than Love for deep compatibility.
• I am realizing that Be and I may not be "Deeply Compatible." I am not comfortable with that idea.
• I am also worried about coming out as poly to Be, but that part might not even matter. Because we may not be deeply compatible from other things as it is. Poly or not.

START OF DRAFT: MY PERSONAL STANDARD

Things I want in a partner?

• I want a partner who is ok with me being poly. I don't want to hide or be ashamed about this side of me any more.(Not sure Be would accept poly me. Suspect not.)

• I want a partner who consents to poly relationships so I can enjoy meeting, flirting with, pursuing, and loving other partners free of guilt. ( Not sure Be is up for poly relating. Suspect not. And I'm worried he would not be honest with me and he'd just go along with whatever even if is not really what he wants because maybe he's gotten too latched on to me as his caretaker/SuperHero/Rescuer person. )

• I want a heathy partner. (Be is not a healthy person. He has anger issues and shuts down when angry. I don't like walking on eggshells or sensing the violence in him.)

• I want to be able to rely on my partner through thick and thin. Not just in sunny weather. But on rainy days too. (Be bails when things get tough.Like when I was depressed in the past -- he emotionally abandoned me. I didn't like that and am not sure he won't bail on me again in future. It's hard to trust him for big important stuff like that. I like him fine for the small stuff of life and I enjoy him. But I'm not sure how solid he is for the Big Stuff of Life. )

• I want two way street relating and communicating. (I have to "fish it out" of Be sometimes -- he doesn't communicate directly and up front. I am tired of fishing. Be will also just go along with whatever I say. Because that's our pattern. He allows me to do most of the work in the relationship, most of initiating things, and make all the decisions. I used to enjoy this because of my "SuperHero Fix Everything for Everyone" thing. But now that I have become healthier? I'm not enjoying this as much any more. This relationship dynamic is starting to feel one-sided to me. I care about Be and love him, but I want a healthy two-way street relationship. Not a one-way thing where I do all the work. )

• I do not want marriage. (I am worried Be will want marriage one day. I don't want the typical “find one person, marry them, have kids, and then die” thing. I want more adventure and experiences than being a wife with kids. )

• I want emotional/mental intimacy. My partner should be able to handle mental intimacy/emotional intimacy with me. Being open and honest with each other. (Be and I do not have that. Been together 4 years and I do not know his past very well. Also, I talk to my therapist, my mom, and my close friends about my inner word and the changes I am dealing with as I come to grips with being a poly person. I do not talk to Be about my inner world because I don't feel safe doing so. I'm not emotional honest as i would like, I am afraid he will see texts with my friends where i talk about my feelings or poly things. Maybe because I am afraid he will emotionally abandon me again.)

• Sexual intimacy. My partner should be able to share that and be willing to explore lots of ways to share sex. (Be is very passive, rarely initiates, and prefers vanilla. I want more than that in my sex life.)

• Creativity is really important to me. My partner must be creative. I want a creative partner I can do/share creative things with. (Be's not very creative and has no interest in exploring it/becoming so.)

CURRENT PLAN OF ACTION

I don't want to talk to Be right this minute. I will eventually. But before I come to that conversation...

• I need to finish coming to terms with discovering I am poly, what types of Open models I am up for and not, and if I'm really ready/wanting to embrace this side of myself.

• I need to finish clarifying my personal standards for what I want in a solid partner(s). Then see if Be actually measures up to that personal standard or not.

UNEXPECTED OBSTACLES PREVENTING ME FROM FINISHING PLAN AT THIS TIME

• I started a draft and I started to measure Be up against the start of my personal standard... and now I kinda don't want to know/finish. Because I'm afraid to find out that I have outgrown Be or we have grown apart and we will break up from that. Love each other and care, but not enough deep compatibility here for something long haul.

OR

• I am worried me being poly is a deal breaker for Be and we will break up from that. Love each other and care, but he wants monogamy and I want polyamory and those are are not compatible models together.

BOTTOM LINE

• I am sad and mourning both possibilities. I am in anticipatory grief.

Is that the general vibe? Anywhere in the ballpark?

If so? I encourage to finish your soul searching. Perhaps these worksheets to help you think things outs on the poly side.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Zeggplant,

I think that you've done an amazing job organizing your thoughts, feelings, and story. It seems that right now the main thing for you is figuring out whether or not you are poly. I can't help you much with that, it's a discovery for you to make on your own. However, read Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ, if you haven't already, and see if what you read resonates with you. That may help you get some idea of whether you are poly.

It does seem that discovering you are poly would free you of a lot of inner guilt feelings and such. But it would also threaten your relationship with Be. So it's not something that you'd discover lightly. But you need to find out. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you don't want to travel a path that you would regret over the years.

I hope this forum has helped you so far, and that it will continue to help you. I'll try to let you know if I come up with some more advice or insights.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I have nothing to add to GalaGirl's post. But I just wanted to say, this OP is a great contrast and addition to recent posts and threads by Coolname and CTF and a couple others, about how, or even if, to come out to a partner as poly, when you've been in a monogamous relationship for a good chunk of time.

People have been acting like the "poly bomb" is a terrible inconsiderate thing to do to your mono partner. I think, as a board for polyamorous people, we still need to focus on the struggles and tough decisions poly people who have been attempting to live monogamously, go through. We aren't monsters. We don't mean our mono partner harm. We aren't (all) inconsiderate, selfish, mentally ill people. (Some are of course.) We feel, we love, we care about the people in our social circles. We are talented, creative, imaginative people with value and worth and dignity. We deserve respect.

 

[Shaya]

Dear Zeggplant,

You strike me as a thoughtful, intelligent, considerate young adult, blossoming in your sexuality and wondering if the stable relationship you have with Be is what you will have for life. No more new adventures, no more excitement, stale sex. In many ways, my partner and you seem to have a similar outlook on life, except she's in her 30s and still asking the same questions. I'm not sure I have any answers for you that you haven't already thought of.

For my wife and I, we realised very quickly that our dependency and security that we had with each other may have been fine for monogamy, but was a killer for polyamory. While you highlighted in your post that you had hobbies separate from him, he sometimes cancelled plans with friends when you had to cancel. I interpret this as he puts you first, even before himself. I see more of this behaviour in your comments that show his chivalry, and also in his love attachment style to you that may be due to him having had to put his mother and other siblings first whilst growing up. Be sounds like an awesome guy to be with who consistently gives and helps others, is ultra sensitive in trying to avoid pain and hurt (he won't bite you). In my line of work, I see quite a lot of people who enjoy "giving" to others, and most also expect something in return. In Be's case, I suspect he expects your emotional and sexual fidelity in return. As a child, he was probably given reassurance and affirmation of love in return for everything he did for his mother and siblings. His love attachment style as an adult is likely still the same. I suspect Be will give and sacrifice anything for you, but expects your heart in return. Just a guess. Don't want to offend. In a book I'm reading called Wired for love, people like this are described as a wave, though I probably don't know Be well enough to actually classify him like that with confidence and apologise if I've understood him incorrectly. In summary, my partner and I had security and some dependency on each other. Whilst this is not a problem and can sometimes even be helpful in monogamy, I think dependency on each other without seperate lives is a killer for polyamory. I'll explain below.

Imagine that your biggest goal in life is to "succeed." Society has rules on what success is. One of these is to find a long term stable partner, marry, have children, good job and live together for the rest of your lives. Be sounds like he's at the "marry" stage. His success in life depends in part on you being in his life. If your relationship were to flounder, I suspect Be would start sacrificing time and energy to fix it as his number one priority. If this fails, I suspect Be would feel like a failure - his thoughts may include "Zeggplant is so important to me, I'm trying my hardest and not succeeding. If I'm trying my hardest to get what I want most in life and I'm still failing then I must be a failure." I have no idea if Be would think this. I would. The critical flaw in this method of thinking is that his ability and self worth comes from whether he can hold his relationship with you together. It's perhaps made more important for Be since from age 10, he's been holding his family together.

I don't think I've said anything you haven't already thought of. You seem to feel that polyamory with Be will be impossible at this stage. I agree. It's just too big a shift from monogamy. At the same time, you don't seem to want your life to stagnate. You're still young!

I feel you have a few options.

• First, nothing wrong with monogamy. Polyamory can lead to massive heartbreak, intense psychological distress, maybe another hospitalisation. Monogamy will have security but can lead to boredom and frustration. Life isn't perfect. Anybody who wants a perfect life can go live in a third world country without clean water or electricity for a few months then come back to the first world of fast internet access and probably be happy. Just saying... happiness is relative. Monogamy can be the right choice simply because polyamory can destroy lives (example 1: first post in this thread, example 2: contrast first post on first thread with first post on last thread.)
• Secondly, you could do polyamory - just not right now and not for Sleepwalker. It would be a slow transition. It may start with you asking Be if he thinks a random girl walking down the street is hot or not. Over some months, you guys might talk about sexual attraction, monogamy and the animal kingdom, polyamory and the animal kingdom, sexual fidelity amongst animals that live for 2 days versus 2 years versus humans who now live 80 years. I think other interesting topics may include bestiality (humans having sex with animals is a great discussion for the ethics of consent, affairs, and that totally relates to polyamory in a roundabout way). If he gets an attraction for someone else, you may then introduce polyamory to him. He may get the first partner. You may get polyamory in return, but it may not be with Sleepwalker since the two of you admitted feelings for each other already and that may cross the the grey line of monogamy in Be's opinion.
  
  The important aspect of this option 2 presented here is that you and Be choose to do polyamory because it would enhance your relationship - you choose to do it for each other rather than choosing to do it for Sleepwalker. I feel that Be is most likely to be receptive to this idea if you make it clear that Sleepwalker is off the table. Experienced polyamorists on this forum will likely flame me for this opinion because it does not take into account what you want, because it gives Be control over your relationships and because of its couple-centric polyamory approach which comes with its own ethical problems. But my point remains that if you try and talk a monogamist like Be into polyamory with the intention of dating Sleepwalker, he is likely to be non consenting to polyamory.​
• Thirdly, you may decide a life without Be is what you want (I doubt you want this, but it's a possibility). Options here include serial monogamy if you want to explore your sexuality while you're young. As more radical options, you may find relationship anarchy or other models of polyamory more suited to you. These may be temporary options as you explore your sexuality and get to know what you want in life.
• Fourthly, polyamory may be easier to ease into if you start with other forms of consensual non monogamy that don't involve as much of an emotional connection. I know you said sex on its own without emotions is not for you, which may rule out kink, swinging and BDSM, but consider these as stepping stones in an escalator of emotional maturity of your relationship towards polyamory.

Finally, you will find on these forums that although people are generally well meaning, we sometimes read too much of our own situation into yours and I apologise if I've done so. Just let us know if you think this is happening.

Good luck Zeggplant!
-Shaya.

 

[Zeggplant]

Woah, thank you all for your answers and the insights you gave me.

I feel overwhelmed, I've opened a door that I have no idea how to go through... So I gues I'll start by simply taking a peek first.

I'll answer to each of you, for you all really helped. I'll take my time in that too, though

First, Magdlyn, I have to say a huuuuuuuuuuge thank you. You helped me realize how much my self-esteem is shaken by all this. I can see how society depicts polyamory as a sinful, shameful situation. I talked to a friend today and I was saying such awful things about myself... How I felt I was a monster, that I was afraid of hurting my partner, but at the same time I hurt myself by "protecting" him from the truth.

I also realized it'll be hard, apart from a few friends (3 to be precise) and my therapist, if I were to come out as poly and if Be decided to break up because of that... I'm not even sure my family would be "on my side". They all adore him, from my grandparents, to my aunt, to my mom and my siblings... And most of them are religious to an extend.
My mother, as I said in another post, define relationships as mono (that's mandatory apparently) but full of pain and choices. She said something like (I roughly translate into English)
"You know, Zeggplant, that's how life is. You commit to one person, and you hang on to that person. Whenever temptation comes around, whether it's physical or emotional attraction, you have to let go of the person you feel attracted to. I've been through that already. I've felt attracted to other men than my husband [my step-dad], and yes it was painful, extremely painful at times, but I went through, and [stepdad] doesn't know anything about it. Because that's how things work."

I fear I'll be misunderstood. I don't seek to actively have another partner, hell I don't even have enough time for my friends lately because of work...

So thank you Magdlyn for your considerate answer, I felt understood and supported thanks to what you said.

 

[Zeggplant]

I read the article you liked here, kdt26417, and I have to say I agree on most of what it says.

I've had issues with jealousy earlier in my life, as I have been with a man who had a unhealthy relationship with his ex (always responding to her texts/calls before mine, and so on). I was afraid my partner would compare me to another woman and decide I wasn't as good as the other one.

I've worked on that and when I finally healed that wound, I discovered there is no comparing nor competition in healthy relationships. I like to compare (heh) it to kids or friends. Each individual is different, thus each relationship will be different. If I were to be afraid of my partner breaking up because they found someone "better", then that would mean our relationship wouldn't have been healthy to begin with.
I left my ex a few months after meeting Be, and we quickly got up together as we both had feelings for each other. But I didn't leave my ex for Be, I left my ex because I wasn't happy with what we had, and our relationship was too damaged. I didn't have any strength left to work on it.
Each relationship is different, and each can bring different satisfactions, insights, and great experiences. I get that. I truly get that. And I agree.

So, yeah, I do think polyamory is theoretically great. It sounds great. It sounds like people who would be kind, compassionate, and honest with themselves - and with their partners - would be able to develop complex and amazing relationships.

I have no idea how I would fit in all that. But I thought about having a partner who has another partner... And I truly thought, if everyone was honest with what they feel, want and need, it wouldn't be a problem.

You're right, kdt26417, I'll take my time figuring things out. I can't help though but wondering : what do you think I could do and regret later on ? What you said here would be interpreted as either I am young and shouldn't waste time on a relationship that can potentially hurt a lot (staying with Be, and trying to stay mono, even if I don't feel like I am) ; or did you mean I shouldn't rush the coming out and regret it later as it could end up in a misunderstanding that would ruin my relationship ?

I'll also answer to GalaGirl and Shaya later, you made me have a nonstop brainstorm for the past days. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing... Good, I guess, as I know myself better and better, but bad because sometimes I don't feel brave enough to tackle all that

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Zegg,

There's various things you could later regret, but I guess I was thinking of shirking away from poly, only to eventually regret that decision, and even subconsciously resent Be for being the reason you shirked. On the other hand, what if you tried poly and didn't like it, and by the time you realized that, Be had already left. You could regret that too. I guess the bottom line is that you should choose carefully. And you do have to choose. Eventually.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sounds like replies were helpful. Take your time in your soul searching. There's no rush.

I'll also answer to GalaGirl and Shaya later, you made me have a nonstop brainstorm for the past days. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing... Good, I guess, as I know myself better and better, but bad because sometimes I don't feel brave enough to tackle all that

You don't have to be doing all this nonstop thinking. It is ok to take it more slowly.

It's ok to know yourself well. It's also ok to take up the space you do in the world.

Growing in your understanding of yourself sometimes comes with some mental "growing pains" as you figure out what to carry forward and what to leave behind. But you can't stay the same you forever. You are no longer baby or toddler or teenager you, right? It's ok to grow on to become young adult 20's you. Then grow again to be your 30's you. And again to be your 40's you and so on. All still YOU, but at different points in time, with different interests and so on.

My mother, as I said in another post, define relationships as mono (that's mandatory apparently) but full of pain and choices. She said something like (I roughly translate into English) "You know, Zeggplant, that's how life is. You commit to one person, and you hang on to that person. Whenever temptation comes around, whether it's physical or emotional attraction, you have to let go of the person you feel attracted to. I've been through that already. I've felt attracted to other men than my husband [my step-dad], and yes it was painful, extremely painful at times, but I went through, and [stepdad] doesn't know anything about it. Because that's how things work."

That it show it works for your mother.

Over here? I tell my spouse when I have crushes. He tells me about his. We both enjoy knowing about it and the whole crush experience. Is it painful? No. It's pleasurable to crush and to talk about it with spouse. The emotional/mental intimacy with each other is fun.

We don't tell the crushee, or pursue at this time. Because work, raising children, and eldercare suck up most of our time. There is no space for a dating partner right now. That's how it works for me at this time. Not how it used to be, and might not be how it is in future. But that is how it is right now. I don't have the free time to date. I'm not going to go "Hey, I like you. Want to have a date and help me chase my Alzheimer parent around?"

You have to figure out how it is going to work for you, and how to want to be with whatever partner(s) you choose to hang out with. You get to author your life.

It is ok if it is not like your mom's life, or my life, or whoever else's. It just has to be YOURS. So you can feel like you are living your life authentically, and not just "going through the motions." All life has some joys and disappointments, but when you life your life authentically, hopefully there is more joy than sorrow.

I fear I'll be misunderstood. I don't seek to actively have another partner, hell I don't even have enough time for my friends lately because of work...

When you keep secrets from your partner about yourself, how is that behavior helping him to understand authentic you?

So, yeah, I do think polyamory is theoretically great. It sounds great. It sounds like people who would be kind, compassionate, and honest with themselves - and with their partners - would be able to develop complex and amazing relationships.

It is not polyamory that makes people be kind, compassionate and honest with themselves and their partners.

• If one chooses to be kind? One is kind.
  
• If one chooses to be compassionate? One is compassionate.
  
• If one chooses to be honest with themselves? One is honest with themselves.
  
• If one chooses to be honest with their partners/others? One is honest with their partners/others.

They could do this and be in a poly relationship. They could do this and be in a monogamous relationship. They could do this and not be dating anybody. Has nothing to do with what "relationship shape" the person is in. Has to do with how the person chooses to live and behave in their life.

Again... take your time with your soul searching. And figure out how you want live and behave in your life at this time. It is yours, you get to make the choices. You don't have to be living it like everyone else chooses to live theirs.

You are also not "locked in." How you choose to live your life in your 20's may not be how you choose to live it in your 40's or 60's. Your preferences and circumstances may change. And that is OK.

Galagirl

 

[Zeggplant]

Hi GalaGirl,

I quoted my mom because I thought about what she said at that time when I hoped for reassurance and got showered with morale rules.
It made me realize how influenced I am, and how it severed my self esteem regarding matters like polyamory (and others too but that's not the subject). I understand where that feeling of "I am abnormal, I am a monster, I should be ashamed" comes from. Not especially my mom, of course, but my overall education and society's demands.
That's a first step, now to get rid of that preconceived judgement, that's... A whole other story ^^"

I didn't mean polyamory changed people into being kind, compassionate, etc. I meant when people are - or choose to be, as you said, and I agree with that - kind, compassionate, respectful and honest, then polyamory looks like a viable option.

As for the nonstop brainstorming, I... I didn't really ask for it, it just popped in my head and didn't stop. Looks like I know what my new obsession is about ^^'
I'll try my best to take it slow. I am so grateful to have a job that keeps my mind busy! Not that I want to run away from my questioning, but thinking nonstop about it clearly doesn't sound like the healthiest way to deal with it...

I'll write a better organized and complete answer later - I'm on my phone now.

 

[Zeggplant]

Answer to GalaGirl

I've been away for a while, I wasn't feeling well. I started a draft of my answers but had to rewrite some parts, so sorry in advance if it's not enjoyable to read

First, my answer to GalaGirl :
Answer to GalaGirl :

GalaGirl, I wish I could tell you you got it all wrong, but unfortunately you're pretty accurate on a lot of things here. I'll use your summary of what I said and add what I feel is needed - either change entire sections or add some details.

BACKGROUND
Yep, you got it all right

MY HEALTH
Same here, except my eczema got worse recently as I was very stressed and depressed

CURRENT PROBLEM
- Yes, it is true that I am uncomfortable with the idea of Be and I growing apart because of who I am and what my desires and needs are.
- Yes, I am afraid of coming out. We worked hard, both of us, to get through what life threw at us and we made it work fine. It's so hard thinking I may destroy all that because of who I am - I'll come back to that later.

START OF DRAFT: MY PERSONAL STANDARD
- Yes, I want a partner who accepts me for who I am, even the "poly" part of me that I suspect. I need to be able to talk about what I think and feel, I need my partner to understand being poly doesn't mean they're not enough, nor that I'm abandoning them. Here I have to point out the fact that apart from the poly part, Be has become very accepting of who I am. I have a lot of traits that weren't exactly deal breakers, but still were annoying him. For example, I am messy and forgetful, which used to make him mad; we have talked since and we found compromises. I'll develop more of the challenges we faced together on my reply to Shaya.
- Be is far healthier now that when we met, and so am I. While there are still things to work on - it never really ends, does it? especially at our ages - I find he has matured a lot during those 4 years. Especially when it comes to anger management: he doesn't have anger issues anymore. Again, I'll tell more later.
- I can rely on Be now. It's true that I felt abandoned when I had my depression, and it's true that he didn't help me at all at that time. But we've talked through this, and I told him (I think that was 2 years ago) how I felt and that I didn't know if I was going to be able to trust him ever again. I even thought about moving out and take a flat on my own, and I told him that. I was lucid enough to tell him I needed time and good experiences with him to rebuild my trust, but that I could not make any promises. I then slowly started trusting him again, and now I can tell him whenever I feel down. He usually doesn't comment, but he listens, and he always asks what he can do to help improve my mood.
- We're working on our communication skills, but we both had troubles with that to begin with - again, see my answer to Shaya.
- Marriage... uhm, while I wouldn't say I have commitment issues, I definitely sense an issue with lifelong decisions. We were visiting Be's mom last weekend and she asked "When are you going to buy a house?". I got instantly anxious. I'll have to work on that... I hope I won't end up finding out that I'm not really poly but trying to find an excuse to a hidden fear of commitment. That would suck...
- I already commented on mental intimacy, so I will just add that Be knows that if he ever abandons me again like he did I'll leave right away. He didn't really know what I was going through at the time but now he knows, so no excuse!
- About sexual discovery: I don't /need/ a partner who's into kinky and playful stuff all the time. I actually really appreciate Be for being gentle and respectful, and it's pretty fun to teach him sometimes. And while I wish I had maybe a partner with whom I could explore and experiment more, I still respect Be's needs and limits as they are.
- About creativity, I actually find it super cute when Be tries to be creative but ends up being awkward ^_^. Maybe I should say 'artistic' instead of 'creative', though. Be doesn't have a lot of imagination, but that's good because I have enough for two. I even think it's a good thing 'cause he helps me get back to Earth when I'm too far into my inner world.

CURRENT PLAN OF ACTION
- Yes. The primary/secondary structure sounds good to me as a way to begin polyamory while reassuring my primary partner. I wouldn't mind being someone's secondary partner either as long as everything is honest and clear. On the other hand, I would probably be afraid my secondary partner(s) would feel left up. I thought about how different it would be if I were single right now. I feel I would be more into plural primary relationships as I'm always very concerned in the well-being of everyone around me.
- Yes, I agree with all of that.

UNEXPECTED OBSTACLES PREVENTING ME FROM FINISHING PLAN AT THIS TIME
- It's more of the second one
- There's another obstacle, which is I don't accept myself as potentially poly. Those last weeks were emotionally rough, and I truly fear of a relapse because of all the tensions these questions brought up. I see myself through others' eyes: my family, my partner, society... And I keep feeling like I'm sick or abnormal. I can't see these desires as what they are and see them as problems I have to solve. I'm used to deal with 'things that make my life suck' in a certain way: analyze, understand, solve. That's how I got rid of OCD: I understood it wasn't okay to miss my bus 3 days in a row because I needed to check 4 times if my door was locked. I talked to my therapist and looked for solutions on the internet. Then I tried my best to apply said solutions until I solved the problem.
Now, I know this is different. Needs/desires aren't problems or symptoms that need to be solved. And I really need to work on accepting them. I saw my therapist 2 weeks ago and cried and said I wanted to die because it was too hard for me. She said I needed to stop struggling against what I feel because the struggle was the cause of me being depressed and anxious all the time. I agree, of course... But that's easier said than done...

BOTTOM LINE
- I started writing this answer on a notebook more than 2 weeks ago. It was before meeting my therapist, but here's what I wrote:
I need to accept myself first before I can ask anyone else to accept me as poly. I still don't feel comfortable with that part of me and need to know/understand more before bringing the one I love into all this.

I'll tell more about myself and my story with Be on my answer to Shaya. Thank you for your kind words and for pointing out things I didn't want to see by myself.

 

[Zeggplant]

Answer to Shaya

Answer to Shaya:

You wrote an accurate analysis of Be. He's a giver - we both are actually. He does put everyone's needs before his own. He's loved for his dedication. Whenever we visit friends or family, he does the dishes, play with kids, fires the barbecue...
He really went through Hell during his childhood. He's the oldest of 3 kids, all boys, and he's the only one who ended up mentally healthy and stable. The youngest one is violent and the other one is a drug addict. Both of them are harsh to their mom, Be is the only one who's kind to her.

Our backstory:
We met 5 years ago. At that time, I was living alone and suffered from acute social anxiety. I had at least 1 panic attack per week, and my then boyfriend wasn't very supportive. He didn't understand what I was going through and even said "Well why don't you simply force yourself to go out and meet people?".
I had, with my ex, a complicated story of being the second and hidden girlfriend for a while. Even after they broke up, I still felt like I wasn't legit somehow. I found out he still texted and mailed her frequently, telling lies about us ('I hang out with zeggplant because I can't stand being alone since you left me', 'I can't find in anyone the echo I felt in you' - did I mention he neglected her so she left him and he could be with me? He didn't break up himself...) and got my trust shattered. I had trust issues, jealousy issues, and on top of all that I had moved out to a faraway city on my own and didn't feel supported through what I was experimenting.
Then came Be. He seemed simple, nice, honest and strong. I fell for him because he made me feel secure, because it seemed he would help me get through whatever life would throw at me. He didn't judge when I talked about panic attacks, and simply accepted what I said as facts.
Long story short I broke up with my ex after thinking it through, and Be and I got together a bit later.

The obstacles we faced together:
At that time, I was fragile. I couldn't stand for myself and was prone to emotionally retract into a corner whenever I was pushed, even a little.
Also, it was my first year living on my own and as someone who's always in her inner world you can guess it was messy and unpractical - but I didn't care, it was MY place and it followed MY rules.
Be, on the other hand, was already very mature about how to keep a home clean and working properly. He also already had the experience of living with a woman as he lived with his ex until they broke up. So, he sort of had a vision of how things should be when you live with someone... and let's just say I didn't quite correspond to his demands.
I forgot a lot of stuff and made some mistakes - nothing dangerous or very bad, but enough to annoy him.
This created unhealthy dynamics between us. I'll take an example of how things happened then, and how it happens now.
Now:
Let's say I forgot to clean the dishes and that Be was home before me. I come home and he tells me 'Zeggplant, could you be mindful of the dishes and clean them more often? I feel I do them more often and it's tiring'. I'd reply 'Oh you're right, I totally forgot those days, I'll cook dinner tonight to make it up to you okay?'
And it'd be done.
Then:
Same situation. He'd get mad and say 'I'm tired of doing everything in this goddam house, can't you make an effort for once?' and I'd become anxious and fearful so I'd say nothing and accept whatever he said. And, of course, I forgot even more, which made him even more mad, which led to him saying harsher words, making me even more hurt, etc. You get the idea.
I slowly gained back my self-esteem and slowly became confident enough to stop him before it got too bad. I started saying stuff like 'I understand what you mean, but are you sure it's the proper way to say it?' and then I'd go for a walk to give him time to think about it. He would then apologize, and little by little we managed to have a healthier and more balanced dynamic.

Now, about our communication skills...
Because of his past, Be is used to keep his thoughts and problems to himself. He'd bury them deep until they pop back, leading him to explode. It happened twice, and each time he stopped talking to me. Literally. I think he was too angry to be able to communicate and the only way to stop himself from being violent was to shut down entirely. So, two years in a row, around Easter, he stopped talking to me for more than a week. We talked about it since then and I said there would be no third time.
And I was no better than him as I got used as a kid to hide away my problems and try to solve them on my own so I would not add my problems to what my mom already had to go through. It led to early self-harm (from 12 to 22, and I am 2 years free now) and overthinking everything. I grew up being secretive and never talked about my own problems unless they were already solved.
You can see where this is going: neither of us talked about what was wrong, so both of us ended being hurt and deceived. But since we never clearly established our needs, I'd say we had it coming...

It's better now. I learned to be more connected to reality and to remember what he asks me. He learned to be more gentle with me and to accept my flaws as I accept his.

He is learning to let go.
I've started, a few months ago, to initiate a bit of a kinky game. Nothing too violent, just teasing and controlling. I'd tease him and then stop, and tell him he can't approach me and has to wait until I start again. As you can imagine this is frustrating but he plays along, and with this game (which was originally just a way to spice up our sex life) he is learning to let go and to trust me. I'm the one in charge of his physical pleasure, not the other way around. This is a massive change as he always put my pleasure/comfort/needs before his own. In this situation, he has no choice but to either stop the game, or play along and leave me in charge.
I went back to what I wrote in the beginning of this thread and GalaGirl's analyze of Be never choosing anything. I think that's because he finally lets go, finally accepts not to be in charge. His mom couldn't give him that as she was ill, hospitalized, etc. But he has softened up enough to let me decide of trivial things in our everyday life. And I think it's a good thing (as long as it's just a phase and that after a while we find a more balanced dynamic again).

Now, about Sleepwalker (and other temptations out there)
I see Sleepwalker once a week to work on our writing project. I won't say my feelings for him have entirely vanished, however they have faded away and I don't have any more urge to pursue him.
For now I just want to understand what I want/need and how I can make it work with what I already have (if possible). As I said on my answer to GalaGirl, I am not at peace with this discovery. I see how destructive it could be, and it hurts me so much I sometimes wish I wasn't alive at all.
I keep feeling I would enjoy being openly poly, but at no point I want to leave Be for this. You read what we've been through and how we both worked hard because we loved each other enough to get through all that. Other couples would have called it a day and break up, but we continued. And we were right: if it wasn’t for me suddenly questioning everything we would be as happy as it can be!

Conclusion (for now)
I can't write anymore for now. I feel I can't talk about polyamory for too long because the dilemma I'm facing makes me slip into what feels like a relapse. I can see everything slowly turning to grey as I start hating myself again. I'm concerned this'll turn into depression again, but since I don't want to rush things I need to be patient.
A good friend of mine, whose new boyfriend would be okay with her swinging, said she'd be glad to start talking about open relationships one day when Be is around, so maybe it can start an actual discussion about open relationships in general. That would be better than a direct 'Hey, see how happy and content you are with our monogamous relationship? Let me destroy all the trust you have in me by questioning everything at once with my needs and desires before you can even start having an opinion on this topic!'

I started writing those replies weeks ago so I had to rewrite them. I certainly forgot to add a lot of stuff but that's already like 3.5 tons of text so that'll do for now. Thanks for reading and answering... and sorry for the depressed turn it took.

 

[anamikanon]

Sounds like you're doing good and have a direction.

About Be... and please take this with a healthy bucket of salt - I don't think monogamously very well at all, and I don't tend to separate sex/relationships from life at large.

That previous line said...

For me, a partner I can depend on is one who will accept me as I am. Whether it is me leaving the laundry for the maid (or whoever wishes to do it) or me enjoying interacting with people I am attracted to. Definitely his comfort and acceptance is important to me, but I don't really place specially different points on whether I can't tell a partner that I blew my budget buying something I really wanted or that I am attracted to another man. If there is something I do or am that I have to hide from a partner for fear of the reaction (disagreement is fine, control or anger is not), I take it as a sign that this person does not have the capacity to survive a relationship with me with his sanity in place. Because I know I am independent minded and I don't take well to tiptoeing around people.

Having some areas to be careful of is understandable. When you bring two people together, there will be some give and take, some issues that impact each other and so on. It is your call to decide what is important to be accepted and how much. But if you're rescuing someone all the time and you can't count on them if you need a shoulder to rest your head on, you need to ask yourself whether you are looking to adopt someone or share your life with them.

In your place, I wouldn't assume what Be's response would be, but initiate a simple conversation about how you feel sometimes. See how he responds. If it doesn't go well, it was just a thought you shared, it isn't like you did anything. But you now have the information to see whether his reaction/response is something you can live with - or, decide how you will proceed with disengaging and finding relationships where you feel accepted better. You don't even have to conclude you are poly (though you sound like it) - simply describing what actually happened is definitely you. Can he accept you as you are?

 

[Shaya]

I like your idea of bringing up the conversation with Be in a social setting with others. Example 1, 2 and 3 on my reply to this thread (post 2) show people who wish they never brought up the concept of poly with their partners directly. All 3 are still hurting, years down the line. There are of course, many who are happier now that they're poly and you'll find many on this forum (and many who don't feel the need to come to a forum to discuss their polyness).

 

[GalaGirl]

Then I tried my best to apply said solutions until I solved the problem.
Now, I know this is different. Needs/desires aren't problems or symptoms that need to be solved. And I really need to work on accepting them. I saw my therapist 2 weeks ago and cried and said I wanted to die because it was too hard for me. She said I needed to stop struggling against what I feel because the struggle was the cause of me being depressed and anxious all the time. I agree, of course... But that's easier said than done...

I need to accept myself first before I can ask anyone else to accept me as poly. I still don't feel comfortable with that part of me and need to know/understand more before bringing the one I love into all this.

Good that you arrived at what you need to be focussing on first. I hope your therapist can support you as you work to accept yourself.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

 

[Zeggplant]

I like your idea of bringing up the conversation with Be in a social setting with others. Example 1, 2 and 3 on my reply to this thread (post 2) show people who wish they never brought up the concept of poly with their partners directly. All 3 are still hurting, years down the line. There are of course, many who are happier now that they're poly and you'll find many on this forum (and many who don't feel the need to come to a forum to discuss their polyness).

I also really like this idea, especially since we usually don't talk about serious things wen we are together. We usually initiate discussions with others (friends, family) and then, when we're just the two of us, we talk about it a bit more.
I started volunteering recently and as we were having a beer with friends, Be said "Hm, sure, she'll spend more time talking with strangers than going to the movies with me !" (as a joke)
I still thought it would be a good opportunity to check if it was okay with him that I start that kind of commitment. He said he was 100% okay and that it was a mean joke, and he also apologized.
That's just an example but I think it shows well how it works for us. For now, at least ^^

Also : since Be is very insecure, it would be unfair of me to talk about my will to maybe open our relationship before he even has a chance to think about it himself. I don't want to tell him something like 'Hey, I'm not unhappy with you, quite the contrary actually, but see I sense I'll become less and less happy each time I'll be tempted out there, so either you let me try poly, or I'll slowly molder because I don't want to leave you but I also want to experiment more'
As my therapist said, I had months and months to think about it before I understood what my needs/desires are. If I strike him with the 'I'll be tempted and be unhappy eventually' it'll be unbalanced. I would like to begin the discussion on the zero-ground of it : poly, what is it, and how we both feel about it in theory, before considering bringing it into our lives.

It's not easy all of this... You know, a few years ago I really lacked consciousness of others. I used to easily break up without feeling guilty just because I followed my needs. Intense relationship that goes nowhere ? Nope, I'm out. And even tough I knew my partner would be hurt, I didn't really feel guilty when it was done. Today, it's the total opposite : I get anxious and start imagining how things will go... And of course, in my head, it goes wrong all the time.
I keep fearing I'm actually a bad person for overthinking behind Be's back and for not being able to be content with what we already have...