What I want vs what he wants

T

Tinkerbell87

New member
I've recently stepped back from everything and really focused on the big question 'what do I want in a poly relationship'. I have been reading The Ethical Slut and realized I am not happy with our current arrangement. I was on a dating site, as well, but I deleted the app because it was just bothering me. I've come to realize I want to be the hinge in a V. I want to meet another man and have a real relationship with him as well. The problem with this is my husband is not comfortable with emotional involvement and me falling in love with another. As I was reading The Ethical Slut I realized that this is a big problem. The reason I have not been able to enjoy poly is because I am so worried about having real emotions for someone and violating a rule. It is unrealistic to say that an individual cannot fall for another because we cannot control those emotions. He wants random hookups, to limit the amount of times we see the same person and things like that but I don't do random hookups and I find it silly to invest time in finding a person I actually connect with to only be allowed to see them a few times. I had a fwb, so to speak, before we moved but I could tell the guy was starting to fall for me so (as to not violate any rules) I lost him as a friend too. That is not fair or right. I know I need to sit down and have a big discussion with the husband but I'm just unsure of how to go about it without causing problems.
 
I know I need to sit down and have a big discussion with the husband but I'm just unsure of how to go about it without causing problems.
Click to expand...

I think you could focus on the front part of that. You seem to know what you need to do.

I grey out the back half. It isn't like you aren't already having problems with the current agreements. The agreements don't fit and don't work for you. Not having needed conversations because there might be problems makes no sense when you area already having problems.

Go ahead and talk. Keep it simple. Maybe something like...

"I've tried these agreements for X amount of time. They are not working for me. I would like to renegotiate.

I know you want random hookups, to limit the amount of times you see the same person and things like that. I don't do random hookups and I find it frustrating to invest time in finding a person I actually connect with only to see them a few times before moving on. I would prefer to develop longer lasting relationships that might eventually include love. I would like to change our agreements so you can continue with casual hook ups on your side because that suits you. And change to longer relationships on my side because that suits me.

I know you are not comfortable with emotional involvement and me falling in love with another. What can I do to help you get more comfortable with this? Could you be willing to talk about this and renegotiate agreements?"​

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi Tinkerbell87,

GalaGirl is right, you need to sit down and talk with your husband. He might not like what you say, but your alternative is to sit there feeling unsatisfied with the current arrangement and possibly feeling resentful toward your husband. I'm assuming you don't want that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi,

You're hurting and confused. In previous posts, you've previously called your husband your best friend and felt a solidly good relationship with him as recently as 6 months ago when you were closed (monogamous). Since he vetoed your relationship due to new feelings (4 months ago), you feel like your best friend has hurt you. Saying that he agreed to polyamory only because he thought you would cheat on him if he didn't give you polyamory is hurtful. I think this is a very difficult time for both of you.

I think jealousy is playing a large role here as well as insecurity. You mentioned in a previous thread that he seemed to be surprised at how well you handled his date with another girl, almost like he didn't believe you weren't jealous. Reading that made me feel like he almost expected (or wanted) you to get jealous that he was showing affection for someone else. I might be completely wrong in my analysis of that, with apologies, but you and your husband may find my megapost on jealousy helpful in highlighting the different ways you and your husband approach jealousy and in doing so, perhaps come to a mutual understanding of why he gets jealous when emotions are displayed for others and why you cope better.

Going from monogamy to polyamory can be difficult. There are more couples who practice non monogamy with rules that limit feelings than those who practice polyamory. Your husband's fears and insecurity, especially this early into an open relationship, are hurtful to you and to your lovers, but they aren't abnormal. Your wants and needs are also not wrong either. This period of transition from monogamy to polyamory often destroys the existing monogamous relationship and I'd advise going slowly. It may be that you and your husband need to go from monogamy to polyamory via an intermediate form of an open relationship that doesn't involve feelings. True polyamory may only be possible years down the track. Alternatively, you and your partner may have to separate if he wants to limit the emotional component of non monogamy now and you feel it is unethical to do so.

Good luck, I hope some of this serves to be helpful for you.
Shaya.
 
Definitely listen to the advice above.

If he's allowing polyamory just to keep you, that isnt a good situation at all. If you find out that this is the case, you both need to resolve this before anything else can happen. It could to lead to the relationship falling apart.
 
Polysnow said:
Definitely listen to the advice above.

If he's allowing polyamory just to keep you, that isnt a good situation at all. If you find out that this is the case, you both need to resolve this before anything else can happen. It could to lead to the relationship falling apart.[/QUOTE]

If Shaya stated it correctly, six months ago you initiated an open marriage discussion and it appears your husband RELUCTANTLY went along with it with certain agreements. So it is obvious you do not have a partner on board with non monogamy in general totally, and now after a short time you want to change all the rules on him before his emotions catch up.

So far, its all about you. But six months ago he was your best friend and you had a monogamous marriage.

So now you want to be a V and have two men longing for you. Did it ever occur to you that not all men are going to be Ok ever with that model. Your husband has already made it clear by his boundaries he asked for how he feels, but you are ready to push him further down the rabbit hole.

yes agreements can change, but you might as well understand yes you can have a discussion, and yes you may be able to coerce him into what you want. But that more than likely will be temporary.

So he goes along because he thinks you will cheat otherwise ( hardly mutual agreement), and now instead of loving him for participating in what you proposed you MUST have more. Why is he not allowed to argue??

Now, poly or non monogamy or whatever you want to call it works if both parties work at it. Not if one partner is regularly presented with "I Need This" and its not negotiable. And negotiable mans his opinion counts also.

There was just a thread about another couple where the husband reluctantly went along with opening the marriage and his feeling were ignored. Divorce papers abruptly followed. if thats OK with you, your call.

But maybe you should slow down a little bit, and instead of trying to think of how you can seemlessly get hubby to agree, maybe think about how he really feels if that matters.
Click to expand...
 
I sat down and talked to him and explained how I have issues with the "no emotional involvement". I also told him how I feel that we both kinda jumped in head first before fully understanding what we were doing. Since neither of us are currently talking to anybody, I suggested that we put the entire arrangement on hold until we can fully discuss what each of us really wants. On top of everything else we just moved 1500 miles and are remodeling a house. All that stress and an unstable open marriage do not mix. To my surprise, he really didn't want to put a stop to it. My biggest issue is he tells me what he thinks I want to hear rather than what he really means. I brought that up as well. I informed him that in order for this to work we have to be completely honest and open with each other first. Maybe after a full discussion, that should have happened a long time ago, we will agree to an open marriage but from conversations thus far I believe that a casual swingers type of arrangement would better suit our relationship. For now I am hoping to just end all outside involvement until we can decide what's truly best for us.
 
It's good that you guys are talking now, hopefully you will be able to come to an agreement.
 
Tinkerbell87 said:
I sat down and talked to him and explained how I have issues with the "no emotional involvement". I also told him how I feel that we both kinda jumped in head first before fully understanding what we were doing. Since neither of us are currently talking to anybody, I suggested that we put the entire arrangement on hold until we can fully discuss what each of us really wants. On top of everything else we just moved 1500 miles and are remodeling a house. All that stress and an unstable open marriage do not mix. To my surprise, he really didn't want to put a stop to it. My biggest issue is he tells me what he thinks I want to hear rather than what he really means. I brought that up as well. I informed him that in order for this to work we have to be completely honest and open with each other first. Maybe after a full discussion, that should have happened a long time ago, we will agree to an open marriage but from conversations thus far I believe that a casual swingers type of arrangement would better suit our relationship. For now I am hoping to just end all outside involvement until we can decide what's truly best for us.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you made a very smart decision. The two things you still will need to think about are the one you mentioned about him going along with what you want to hear. If you are truly willing to listen, he needs to stop that style because it can have dire consequences. If he agrees to something, he has to won it and cannot make excuses later.
As far as the casual "swingers" thing. That is probably what he wanted all along but you need to understand the same thing can easily happen as before. If you socialize with the same swingers group, it is inevitable that you will find a man you like having sex with and then you are in the same predicament to an extent with the boundaries on "amount of times".
But at least you have taken a step back and understand with all the stress now is not the time to add more. Congratulations on working through this
 
I've always been a fan of going slow.

You say there's no one on the table at the moment and you've just moved 1500 miles. Sounds like a busy time of life for you and an appropriate time to stop and think for a while.

Good luck,
Shaya.
 
Keep digging through this site. While answers do sometimes crop up, it's invaluable for learning the questions, how to examine the situation & your feelings & suchlike.

There's people who have had huge problems making the "simple" stuff work, & those who've somehow been able to steer their way through what reasonably ought to have been nothing but an endless string of relational trainwrecks. :eek: Learn from their experiences -- at very least, it's more efficient than always reinventing the proverbial wheel.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top