Find my happiness and my true self with so many questions.?

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Gria2004

New member
I need some advice from other poly people. This year I started my happiest search after a year of lots negative things coming at me. I'm sorry it's long and so...

I have so many question. With no answers and no one to really talk to about it because no one really knows me. I feel like I been living a lie or worse letting people think they know me and I did nothing to change it. One person yes and who I was with but they are not apart of my life. The one person can't answer all my questions because I can't answer them and I been there, read books, and been that person. Am I still that person even if I'm single for a year? What if it's five years or I only date one other person? Am I that person if I'm not living that person and being truly happy? Am I still that person if people don't know who I really am?

Over the last year a lot has happened but I been trying to find me, trying to deal with the things I never did, and truly find that person and be her every day. How can be her every day if I'm not sure we're to find her? How can be her if people think one thing believing who I am but I don't t say anything? Is that lying to them? Am I leading them to believe who I'm really not? Is that deceiving them? How can I be happy if I'm. Is that being my true self?

How can I talk about my true self when people don't know me? How can I talk about me when I lead them to believe I was one way? How can I tell people who I had a chance to but didn't because I was scared? Scared for the wrong people knowing to time is right? Scared for how can I tell people who I know will not understand? How can I be me and have them understand I'm truly happy being that person if I'm not living it at the moment? How do I make this hole go away? Can I come out about what makes truly happy if I'm single and not living poly?

How do I come out when I know most won't understand? How can I keep living a lie and being in the closet just so I don't lose people maybe family?

I have cried over this so many times over the year. I wish I was that person I was years go living my true self without so many questions. I did it because it felt right, more right then other time. I just knew in my heart that I felt home. That I was home and could be happy here forever.
 
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Hey Gria,

You sound like you're in a lot of pain, and you sound like you've just experienced something quite painful in the last few hours or days on a background of something that has been going on for months. You sound like you're struggling to try to live poly, or authentically as you call it, and realising at the same time that it is not authentic unless you can be truthful about it to your close friends and family. The dichotomy or cognitive dissonance of authenticity or lack thereof seems to be eating away at you.

Perhaps you feel you live a double life and the stress of this is getting to you?

I don't know if I got that right. Can you confirm or clarify if that is the issue?

Warm regards in your time of need,
Shaya.
 
I have so many question. With no answers and no one to really talk to about it because no one really knows me.
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I am sorry you are struggling. I hope you feel a bit better for the vent. I'm not sure I understand your whole post, so I'm going to guess. Forgive me if I guess wrong, ok?

I feel like I been living a lie or worse letting people think they know me and I did nothing to change it.
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You don't have to "prove" anything to anybody. If people assume things, you don't have to correct them unless you feel like it. It's fine not to feel like it.

You also don't have to be shouting who you are on the inside from every street corner to all and sundry.

You get to choose:
  • You choose which people you want to share certain things about yourself with. Or not.
  • You also get to chose HOW MUCH of yourself you want to disclose to them. Or not.

For instance, do I tell my grocery bagger that I'm poly? No. I tell them "Have a nice day!" We simply are not that close. Our relationship is one of "general polite" and if I see them about town not in the grocery I can wave hello and keep on moving.

Do I invite them to my birthday parties? No. Not that close. They are more than total red circle strangers to me. So they are close enough to me that I'm willing to share hello waves if I see them around. But they are not more than orange "community helper" people to me so I'm not going to share bday invites with them.

Does that mean I'm living a lie? No. It just means I want to develop close bonds with some people and not with everyone.

Am I still that person even if I'm single for a year? What if it's five years or I only date one other person? Am I that person if I'm not living that person and being truly happy? Am I still that person if people don't know who I really am?
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I'm not certain what you are asking there. Do you mean...

"Am I still poly even if I've been single for a year?" Sure.

"Am I still poly if I never get to be in a poly relationship structure?" Sure.

Because YOU decide what/who you are.

If a teen is a virgin, does that mean them being straight or gay or whatever doesn't really "count" because they've never had sex? Of course not. They can know who they are without ever having shared sex because who they are comes from themselves -- THEY decide.

Just like you get to decide who/what you are. It's ok to be you.

How can I talk about my true self when people don't know me? How can I talk about me when I lead them to believe I was one way? How can I tell people who I had a chance to but didn't because I was scared? Scared for the wrong people knowing to time is right? Scared for how can I tell people who I know will not understand? How can I be me and have them understand I'm truly happy being that person if I'm not living it at the moment? How do I make this hole go away? Can I come out about what makes truly happy if I'm single and not living poly?
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That part sounds like coming out to people that you care about and are close to you. Closer than the grocery store bagger. Maybe relatives. Maybe family friends.

I get not wanting to be rejected by close family and friends.

At the same time, if you decide to come out to them? They either accept you or not.

What you have to accept is that has nothing to do with you. That has to do with them and their ability to understand/accept. Some will, some won't right now but might over time, and some never will. That's just how people are. They come with different abilities.

I get that you are concerned about being authentic you. Well... it works the other way. You could accept them being authentic them. Sometimes that means thinking someone is not able to understand and being surprised that actually...they can.
Or thinking someone can understand but actually... when push comes to shove they are kind of a jerk to you because they cannot.

How can I tell people who I had a chance to but didn't because I was scared? Scared for the wrong people knowing to time is right?
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If you previously were "passing" with a person and now you want to move them in closer to you? You can just be honest. "Hey. I want to clear something up. I didn't bring it up before because I needed to feel safe and build trust with you first. But now I want you to know that I am...."

How do I come out when I know most won't understand? How can I keep living a lie and being in the closet just so I don't lose people maybe family?
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If you know the person is not a safe person? Don't come out to them. Accept a less close relationship with them. Or don't relate at all.

Understanding? That's their part of the job and they either can do it or not. A long time ago I came out to my mom. The first thing she said was "OMG, don't tell your Dad."

Have they gone anywhere? No. Am I super close/tight with them? No. Because they've shown me that they don't really want to know about certain parts of my life and aren't really interested in knowing authentic me. They like keeping things surface level, kinda shallow. They know... but they like acting like they don't know. It's more comfortable for them in their minds like that.

So I just don't share those parts. I also don't hang out with them lots because I don't enjoy investing lots of time in shallow relationships. Good enough for lunch or dinner once in a while, but I'm not spending tons of time there.

Am I living a lie? Nope. I just don't have my family of origin in the same circle of intimacy as other people. Maybe looking at another picture helps you. To me? Simply being my relatives doesn't mean they get the instant fast pass to my closest intimacy circle. I have cousins and people I just know nothing about. I don't know them. They don't know me. Why would I put them closer me when they are pretty much strangers?

I just accept that with some family and friends we are super close. And with others I am not super close.

It can also change over TIME. Just because some people are Family of Origin? And they used to be very intimate with me because I was a kid growing up with them in the house? Doesn't mean they are in my "inner ring" forever. They used to be. Now they are not. When was the last time my parents saw me in pajamas? Years and years. They are no longer "immediate relatives." They are extended family. My immediate relatives now are my spouse and kids -- the people who live in my house NOW.

It's not like there is just "inner circle" and "not inner circle." It's ok to have various rings or levels of closeness in your relationships. And people don't stay in the same ring all you life. You grow closer, grow further apart. They move far away, come back, etc.

You sound like you are struggling between (sharing nothing) and (sharing it all). Where you simply don't have to do that. You only share the amount you feel good sharing.

At all times, you are still being the real you.

I don't think it's "living a lie" so much as "how close do I want to be with you right now? How much of myself do I feel like sharing with you at this time?"

Some people you share lots with, some not so much. It is ok to do that.

Hope that helps you some.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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@opalescent yes I agree. I'm surrounded by so much monogamy. That makes me feel almost stuck, not sure how to live authentic, and like shaya said I feel like I'm living a dibble life and stress me out. Like I been living a lie. I don't really feel authentic because I'm not living that life at the Monet, or have many poly people in my life.ive been single for a year. If that makes since. It's hard for me to write everything out just right.
 
Galagirl

galagirl sorry if this done wrong I tried hitting the button to quote part of your message and to Just message you under your thread but none of the buttons do anything but quote your hole message.

If a teen is a virgin, does that mean them being straight or gay or whatever doesn't really "count" because they've never had sex? Of course not. They can know who they are without ever having shared sex because who they are comes from themselves -- THEY decide.

Just like you get to decide who/what you are. It's ok to be you.
Never really though about it that way. Thanks.

Quote:
How do I come out when I know most won't understand? How can I keep living a lie and being in the closet just so I don't lose people maybe family?
If you know the person is not a safe person? Don't come out to them. Accept a less close relationship with them. Or don't relate at all.
To me that is really sad because most people around here and around me won't get it so I need to stay in the closet because if I don't and come out I think I lose most them friends/family. If I don't lose them I can hear the voice of how bad this is and how worried they are about me. Almost like I'm making bad choices. Like drugs, or alcohol abuse. I know this from a few things I shared on Facebook about this and others coming out whatever way they did. Just things around this and other lifestyle. I know there response when all I was doing trying to post more the real me stuff that I enjoy watching or reading. Hope you understand. It was hard to explain.

Thanks for responding.
 
To quote something, put it in brackets like this.

{quote} Sentence I want to quote.{/quote}​

only use the square brackets [ ] instead of the curly ones { }

To me that is really sad because most people around here and around me won't get it so I need to stay in the closet because if I don't and come out I think I lose most them friends/family. If I don't lose them I can hear the voice of how bad this is and how worried they are about me. Almost like I'm making bad choices. Like drugs, or alcohol abuse. I know this from a few things I shared on Facebook about this and others coming out whatever way they did. Just things around this and other lifestyle. I know there response when all I was doing trying to post more the real me stuff that I enjoy watching or reading. Hope you understand. It was hard to explain.
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I'm going to take the liberty of repeating that back in my own words so I know i get the way you mean it. Correct me if I am wrong, ok?


  • When I try to be open about my interests in what I like to read, like to watch, or how other people have come out on Facebook?
  • My family/friends tell me how bad this is and how worried they are. Like I'm making bad choices for being into these things. Like I'm doing drugs, or alcohol abuse.
  • This leads me to believe that I need to stay in the closet. Because if I come out to them, I think I will lose most of my friends/family. I think they will distance themselves or disown me.

Staying in the closet/shrinking yourself/saying nothing is one way to deal with that fear of losing family. It doesn't sound like it works for you though.

You don't sound happy being in the closet -- you sound like you are "shrinking yourself." And you don't like hearing the "running commentary" from the friends and family. Like you don't want to lose them from your life, but you don't like how they behave/talk around you either.

You could try other solutions to see if they feel better.

1) Keep them as FB friends, change nothing about how you post.

If you want to be how you want to be on Facebook? Be how you want to be. You don't have to "shrink yourself" so other people can be comfortable. Especially if the "shrinking" does you harm. They don't have to be reading your page.

If reading your page causes them stress or worries? Let them handle their own stress or worries. If your family/friends are having anxiety/worries? It's their stuff to solve. You do not have to solve it for them. Are you able to see that?

You could say "Thanks. But I haven't asked for input. In this area, you needn't worry or concern yourself. I can handle my stuff. And you don't have to be reading my page."

It's a polite way of saying "Mind your own business." YOU know you aren't doing anything bad. Because you having an interest in reading things or watching things or in having your romances being however they are... that's not abusing drugs or alcohol or bad stuff. That's just you being your own self living your own life.

They have a life to live of their own. What's not fair about that?

2) Remove these people from your FB

My parents used to get all cranked up about my Facebook posts and I solved it by unfriending them. They see me at other times with visits, phone calls, etc. Well before Facebook was invented we did these other things to keep in touch. So it isn't like they HAVE to be on my FB connections. FB isn't the world.

You could choose to unfriend these people and not deal with them on the Facebook platform.

3) Limit what they see on your Facebook.

Or you could choose to filter your posts -- so they only see the posts you make to certain circles. Learn to use that feature.

Or you could create a separate account for people who are "super close" to you and another for people you are only "medium close" with.

Some people do that -- to have one account for work and another account for non-work. This is similar.

But regardless of how you handle the FB situation? I think you could have firmer boundaries with your family.

If they are making mean comments about LGBT issues or poly or whatever? You could say "Could you be willing not to talk like that around me? It's fine not to agree or have other interests. But stop talking down about people. You are better than that." And if they are not willing to change their talk? Get up and leave the room so you don't have to be listening to junk.

You don't have to come out to your family or break up with them if you don't want to. But that doesn't mean you have to sit there trapped listening to junk either. You can leave the room.

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl

I think you understood it very well.

2) Remove these people from your FB

My parents used to get all cranked up about my Facebook posts and I solved it by unfriending them. They see me at other times with visits, phone calls, etc. Well before Facebook was invented we did these other things to keep in touch. So it isn't like they HAVE to be on my FB connections. FB isn't the world.

You could choose to unfriend these people and not deal with them on the Facebook platform.
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I can here them now if I did that why did you do that. Come on .. don't be this way. Your just need to get your temper checked. They say something close to that.

Thats just one thing I been thinking about. Thenthere is how to authenticate myself. Not being poly for a year and being single I feel like my flower is Drooping and not being nourished by the people around me. If that makes since. I feel like there are things missing. Things that people don't know about me and I just let them the other day think whatever they wanted and that's not right. It's like if you know something but you do tell it and let people think one thing but they only make fool of them self. It's kind of like that concept . Last all the things I mentioned in my first post . I don't have many around I can share idea, ask questions, get advice, learn from about this as those people are not about my life right now. My exs.
 
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I can here them now if I did that why did you do that. Come on .. don't be this way. Your just need to get your temper checked. They say something close to that.
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Mine used to tell me I was "too sensitive" whenever they encroached on my personal space/boundaries.

I just agreed. "That's right. I am. I don't like it when you do that. I asked you to stop. You did not. I solved it another way. "

Not that I am actually too sensitive. But why argue? I prefer to cut to the chase. I let them on my FB. Then it wasn't working for me to have them be on my FB because they didn't know how to behave. They started with their weird comments and I don't need that. I asked them to stop. They did not. So I removed them. Problem solved. They didn't like that, but so what? It's my FB. And FB isn't the world.

It's ok for you to be an individual person and take up the space you do in this world. Your family sounds like they are all up in your stuff and you allow it. You might want to consider developing better boundaries.

Thats just one thing I been thinking about. Thenthere is how to authenticate myself. Not being poly for a year and being single I feel like my flower is Drooping and not being nourished by the people around me. If that makes since. I feel like there are things missing. Things that people don't know about me and I just let them the other day think whatever they wanted and that's not right.
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Well, who is drooping your flower? If you are not being nourished by the people around you... why are you keeping company with these people?

You sound lonely to me.

You don't have anyone close to you right now that you are dating or friends that you feel comfortable being (open and authentic you) with.

Your family doesn't help because even though they are family? You aren't especially close to them. Like you wish you were, but you just aren't. You feel judged by them and not safe around them. You cannot relax and be more open, authentic you. So around them you are "passing" or "in the closet" and have to be a bit "on guard." Which is fine to do, if that's what you need right now. But it doesn't help with the lonely.

It's like if you know something but you do tell it and let people think one thing but they only make fool of them self. It's kind of like that concept . Last all the things I mentioned in my first post . I don't have many around I can share idea, ask questions, get advice, learn from about this as those people are not about my life right now. My exs.
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You can share here while you work on making more poly friends in real life. Maybe attend some group events or meetings. Seek other company to keep.

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl

I wish it was that easy finding group avents. I know for a fact because this not a big town but not small and how very few poly are up here I have to go a hour or more to find it. If not there then two hours or much more. It's not like I close to Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, Boston, and other bigger cities like that.

ow it. You might want to consider developing better boundaries.
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mom wants to know everything about everyone. She like that with her sister my aunt to. I don't tell her everything. Not even close.

I do have friends but not ones I feel I could tell any of this to and though some are great it still Saddens me. I have a great best friend but she is not poly and will listen but she doesn't always know what to say. Our last conver about this was maybe try online more not sites like pof, or tinder but like swinglifestyle. That's not really what I'm looking for. I tried that but I get a lot of how long have you been in to this lifestyle so I ask what lifestyle they answer swingers. I just hang my head and say did you read my profile. I said poly. There answer to that is it basically the same. Now I smack head. So that site didn't go well.

Maybe I do seem loney about a this. I been though a lot in year and now on my happiness journey has lead me to all this thinking and some been good but some makes me sad. They say from great sadness can come great joy and enlightening.
 
Hi Gria2004,

It sounds like you are torn up about whether to come out as poly to your various relatives such as your mom. You want to be your true self and get advice from people close to you in your life, but yet you're too scared to tell them about your polyness because they might judge you. Also you feel like you are not a true poly because you are single right now. This is what I gather from reading your first post here, let me know if I am wrong.

I know that poly groups are rather scarce in Michigan, and this seems to be part of what worries you. I think there is like one group in Michigan, and you might have to drive quite a ways to attend their events. I am sorry about that. Is it possible you could turn to this forum for your advice and information? We probably won't be judgmental like your family members might be. As for your family members, maybe you can come out to them a little at a time. The same goes for friends.

You don't have to come out to everyone, it is okay to be in the closet for now and until you feel comfortable coming out. You don't have to come out to be your true authentic self. Some things just aren't other people's business.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Kdt 26417

Yes you are right. And I'm having a real hard time feeling like I'm poly being single all this time and not having any poly people around me. The only ones I know in town are my exs, and a couple that use to come to town that I'm not interested in. Driving a few hours for an advent with no one to go with doesn't seem safe or me. So here I am.

Still in this happiness search feeling like this really is a big part of it. Still struggling to find poly in my life. Online dating sits are not helping. Onces I have more poly in my life I think it will be easier for me to come out. But I'm still struggling like I'm lying to people and like I'm keeping a part of me from them who I know gives me great happiness.
 
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Could you be willing to host poly events locally in your town? Like set up a meetup in a bookstore coffee place? Library study room? Maybe that could help you meet more poly people to be friends so you have a support systems?

Dating would be nice too... but maybe start there so you aren't so alone/lonely feeling?

Galagirl
 
Galagirl

Hosting an event in a small town like this one won't really work for a couple of different reasons. It's not that small of a town but people know me, my parents would find out, and just those kind of places I don't think would allow it here. A lot of people up here are not very poly my noon there are some yes and some I don't even know about yes. But most of them up here are very kind of country if that makes any sense. Lots of religious people. I remember a few years ago when I started working at a very small discrete little sex shop up here and all the religious people coming out and hated us. It really didn't take off and go well. Most people were afraid to even come into it. And it was a nicer one than some that you go to. Because it had lingerie and nice products besides just adult stuff. But sadly most would not give it a chance. And I feel Polly is even worse than that up here.
 
Hi Gria,

It sounds like finding someone poly to date is your first priority. So, how will you find someone to date? Have you tried OKCupid?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hosting an event in a small town like this one won't really work for a couple of different reasons
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Fair enough. You are not willing to do something like that at this point in time.

So... what kind of things ARE you willing to do at this point in time to help yourself?

Galagirl
 
Girlfriend, this is one reason all the cool people move to the cities. I have a dear friend who moved up here to Massachusetts from the mountains of Tennessee. She's not poly, but she's transgender. She waited til rather late in life to move. The horror she endured down there!

Her entire life is different now. She is finally happy and feels safe and accepted and authentic.

I thank the gods every day that I grew up and live in the Northeast (LINY, Phildelphia, and in and around Boston).
 
I live in the Minnesota boondocks. Yet polyamory has come out publicly in -- wait for it -- Fargo. :eek:

http://hpr1.com/index.php/feature/culture/polyaware/

http://www.wday.com/news/4033278-look-polyamorous-community-fargo-moorhead-area

http://www.inforum.com/news/4033448-f-ms-polyamorous-community-challenges-norms-monogamy

They've discussed launching an offshoot in Grand Forks, which is a mere half-hour away from me. If I'd simply stop being lazy, I'd volunteer... :rolleyes:

If this can happen in the land of jackpine savages (which I swear WILL be the name of my next band :D), then it can happen anywhere north of Indiana & east of Idaho.

But I agree with Magdlyn: anyone who finds themselves living in a place where they feel threatened on a daily basis for life factors they cannot change really needs to relocate. It is NOT easy being a tiny outpost deep in the middle of enemy territory -- BTDT.
 
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