I'm just curious as to what people's thoughts are on getting married to your partner while being poly, versus being married and then becoming poly.
If you knew a couple who were nesting partners, but both poly when they met and continuing to be both poly and open, what would you think if they decided to get married? Do you think that marriage has a place in polyamory if it wasn't already there?
I have some thoughts but curious to hear from others.
I don't think "married first, then married and poly" is inherently more or less understandable/reasonable/desirable/whatever than "poly first, then married and poly." People get married for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes for almost none at all.
In my experience, I married my partner for the real benefits it provided (health insurance, social approval, no-effort legal ties to children and financial support). 19 years later, with the kids well established, and poly an important part of my life, we started to wish we'd never bothered to marry.
I wanted my own identity back, without the expectations of "acting like a spouse" that everyone seemed to cling to, even us. I also wanted to have a child with my other partner, and my state's statutory presumptive paternity meant the "wrong" father would be on the birth certificate (no choice for married folks!) until we could have it changed by court order. Marriage was never sacred to us, and eventually it started to feel like a lie to proclaim ourselves part of an institution whose origins and expectations we had no desire to promote.
We also figured we were lucky we weren't yet divorced (like so many), and if we settled the financial and custody stuff ahead of time, while we were still in love, we would do better by each other than if we waited until something broke. It worked. We undid it. We are happily divorced together and individually.
I totally get that marriage means something (and often many different things) to many people. I have no desire for that mindset to infiltrate my personal life again. I have intellectually considered marrying my other partner, but I can't think of a benefit that overrides the inherent negatives, for me.
I am very entwined with my partners, separately, so it's not a matter of commitment or intention to share a life. It's really just that the institution serves my needs not at all, endows privileges I do not wish to claim, and tacitly asserts truths that are not mine.
What others are willing to do to and for themselves and their partners is totally up to them, of course.