Another question: breakups

[MsEmotional]

First of all, many thanks to everyone for being patient with all my questions. I am hoping to someday be able to contribute advice and wisdom of my own, but I understand that right now I am taking a lot more from this community than I am giving and I want you all to know that it is appreciated.

I have a question about handling a breakup between a partner and a metamour.

Last night the person I have been seeing for the last month and his on-again-off-again partner broke up. This has given me a lot of mixed emotions and I am wondering if anyone has any guidance. My reactions are as follows:

1. Sadness: I am sad that he is so upset by the break-up and I want to be supportive and nurturing.

2. Relief: I never met her, but from what he had told me about her I honestly didn't think that they were a good match for each other.

3. Responsibility: I feel an extra level of pressure to fill the void left by her absence.

4. Guilt: I don't know for sure, but I get the impression that part of the reason she left him was that she was insecure about the fact that he was seeing me.

5. Nervousness/Jealousy, Part 1: When he was together with the two of us (and with her being long-distance) he wasn't looking for other relationships and I could bask in the knowledge that I was the only source of NRE and get most of his attention and time. Now that they are broken up I am worried that he will start looking for another partner and that I will feel vulnerable because our relationship is still in a new/tender place.

6. Nervousness/Jealousy, Part 2: this is not the first time they have broken up. I feel some anxiety that this is not a final break-up and that there is always going to be some level of drama in his relationship with her.

Any thoughts on these emotions? Guidance?

 

[WhatHappened]

Just an observation--in years of reading here and elsewhere on poly, it seems that the vast majority of women feel their metamours are not a good match for their husbands/boyfriends--if not at first, within a few months.

Throw in 3, 5, and 6--pressure to fill the void left by her absence and jealousy/fear that you won't be getting all his time and attention. You don't want to have to fill up all his time, but you want to be the one getting all of his time and attention?

I am not saying this critically, but because you asked: consider taking a close look at what it is you really want or wanted. From the outside looking in, it sounds like you wanted a boyfriend to be there and be everything for you and dote on you and admire you and make you feel good--but you wanted it only when you felt like having him around and him having a GF was a convenient way to occupy him when you wanted to go do your own thing.

The way we toss a chew toy to the dog when we're heading out for a night on the town and don't feel like taking the dog with us.

Again, I do not mean this critically. We often do things without really digging into what's behind it, and I think you see the contradiction in your emotional reactions--especially the ones I just listed--and I think recognizing the contradiction is a good place to dig into what you really wanted. Doing so is going to help you decide how to proceed from here and recognize what you really want from him, from his girlfriends, for yourself, etc.

 

[vinsanity0]

Most of what you are feeling is normal. Empathy is good. Relief isn't horrible, that is in line with empathy.

You are not responsible for filling in any voids. Also, any insecurity on her part is not your fault.

What is causing you to have the jealous feelings? Is there a trust issue?

I don't see jealousy in the last thing. Did their problems affect you somehow, apart from feeling bad for your partner? If so maybe you could tell him to leave that drama over there and focus on the two of you when you are together.

 

[FallenAngelina]

First of all, many thanks to everyone for being patient with all my questions. I am hoping to someday be able to contribute advice and wisdom of my own, but I understand that right now I am taking a lot more from this community than I am giving and I want you all to know that it is appreciated.

You seem insightful, introspective and open minded to leaning about yourself and others. That kind of participation, whether in the form of a question or an answer, is a valuable contribution to the community. Glad you're here.

 

[MsEmotional]

Just an observation--in years of reading here and elsewhere on poly, it seems that the vast majority of women feel their metamours are not a good match for their husbands/boyfriends--if not at first, within a few months.

Throw in 3, 5, and 6--pressure to fill the void left by her absence and jealousy/fear that you won't be getting all his time and attention. You don't want to have to fill up all his time, but you want to be the one getting all of his time and attention?

I am not saying this critically, but because you asked: consider taking a close look at what it is you really want or wanted. From the outside looking in, it sounds like you wanted a boyfriend to be there and be everything for you and dote on you and admire you and make you feel good--but you wanted it only when you felt like having him around and him having a GF was a convenient way to occupy him when you wanted to go do your own thing.

The way we toss a chew toy to the dog when we're heading out for a night on the town and don't feel like taking the dog with us.

Again, I do not mean this critically. We often do things without really digging into what's behind it, and I think you see the contradiction in your emotional reactions--especially the ones I just listed--and I think recognizing the contradiction is a good place to dig into what you really wanted. Doing so is going to help you decide how to proceed from here and recognize what you really want from him, from his girlfriends, for yourself, etc.

Thank you for your response. I am trying to think about my reactions critically, but I will admit that the comparison to a dog with a chew toy felt a bit harsh. This is someone about whom I care deeply -- I am just lost in conflicted emotions and responsibilities.

I am interested in your observation that most women don't feel that their partners are making good choices as far as their other relationships. I wonder why that is? I am basing my opinion 100% on what he has told me about their incompatibility for one another -- so maybe it is a matter of men focusing on their partners' flaws when talking to their wives/girlfriends? Perhaps in an effort to make them feel appreciated and know that they fill a niche that the other partner does not fill? I wonder if this in turn leads women to assume that their partners are making bad choices when really it's more about the filter that the man uses when discussing his other relationships?

I have no idea, clearly I am new at this! But it is an interesting observation and I am curious as to what societal gender roles around relationships and communication might be contributing.

 

[MsEmotional]

Most of what you are feeling is normal. Empathy is good. Relief isn't horrible, that is in line with empathy.

You are not responsible for filling in any voids. Also, any insecurity on her part is not your fault.

What is causing you to have the jealous feelings? Is there a trust issue?

I don't see jealousy in the last thing. Did their problems affect you somehow, apart from feeling bad for your partner? If so maybe you could tell him to leave that drama over there and focus on the two of you when you are together.

They had broken up previously because she didn't want him to be poly anymore. When he and I got together he was "single." Then shortly after we started dating, she came back into his life and apologized and they reconciled....but it was still uncertain whether they would be able to find a way forward. When she broke up with him, I think it was a combination of his unwillingness to be monogamous with her (including his relationship with me) and other issues.

I wouldn't say that their drama "affected" me -- except that I felt like I was in the way of them being able to reconcile their differences (if that's even what would have happened if I had been out of the picture).

As far as the jealousy, I am just loving being in love with him and I am so new to the idea of sharing a partner with someone else. It's not so much a trust issue as it is that I am just worried that the shininess of our relationship will wear off faster if he starts dating again.

 

[WhatHappened]

Thank you for your response. I am trying to think about my reactions critically, but I will admit that the comparison to a dog with a chew toy felt a bit harsh. This is someone about whom I care deeply -- I am just lost in conflicted emotions and responsibilities.

Let's say I don't intend to be harsh, but I'm also not going to spend my energy looking for a gentler way of saying it.

Having been one of those secondaries, that's exactly how I ended up feeling--that I was expected to be his chew toy and not get so cocky (is that a good choice of words for this subject??) as to think I was, like, you know, a real girlfriend or anything. I ended up feeling very much that I was supposed to give him all the warm fuzzy feelings, but not actually start believing I was as important or real as her.

At the end of the day, she was always supposed to be number one, but I wasn't supposed to say that, because that would wreck their fantasy.

Yes, it is harsh--it is a very, very cruel and harsh way to treat another human being.

I will add I don't believe XBF deliberately treated me like that. I believe his emotions and feelings for me were (and remain) very deep and very real. But he convinced himself he could have it all, he convinced himself he could really treat two women equally and fairly for all and that no human emotions would ever come into it from his wife's part and that I would magically always be okay just being on the sidelines. Etc.

I don't believe you are deliberately meaning to treat anyone like that. I have no doubt you love your boyfriend. But I also believe all of us want certain things and are good at convincing ourselves of all the reasons and whys and wherefores that allow us to move forward with what we want. We all do it at some point in our lives and the wiser we become, the more we look at these hard questions of the real impact on everyone around us.

 

[MsEmotional]

Let's say I don't intend to be harsh, but I'm also not going to spend my energy looking for a gentler way of saying it.

Having been one of those secondaries, that's exactly how I ended up feeling--that I was expected to be his chew toy and not get so cocky (is that a good choice of words for this subject??) as to think I was, like, you know, a real girlfriend or anything. I ended up feeling very much that I was supposed to give him all the warm fuzzy feelings, but not actually start believing I was as important or real as her.

At the end of the day, she was always supposed to be number one, but I wasn't supposed to say that, because that would wreck their fantasy.

Yes, it is harsh--it is a very, very cruel and harsh way to treat another human being.

I will add I don't believe XBF deliberately treated me like that. I believe his emotions and feelings for me were (and remain) very deep and very real. But he convinced himself he could have it all, he convinced himself he could really treat two women equally and fairly for all and that no human emotions would ever come into it from his wife's part and that I would magically always be okay just being on the sidelines. Etc.

I don't believe you are deliberately meaning to treat anyone like that. I have no doubt you love your boyfriend. But I also believe all of us want certain things and are good at convincing ourselves of all the reasons and whys and wherefores that allow us to move forward with what we want. We all do it at some point in our lives and the wiser we become, the more we look at these hard questions of the real impact on everyone around us.

I didn't expect you to rephrase it more gently. And I am so sorry that your ex and his wife treated you that way. That sucks. It's one of my biggest fears -- that I will hurt the people I care about.

 

[vinsanity0]

They had broken up previously because she didn't want him to be poly anymore. When he and I got together he was "single." Then shortly after we started dating, she came back into his life and apologized and they reconciled....but it was still uncertain whether they would be able to find a way forward. When she broke up with him, I think it was a combination of his unwillingness to be monogamous with her (including his relationship with me) and other issues.

I wouldn't say that their drama "affected" me -- except that I felt like I was in the way of them being able to reconcile their differences (if that's even what would have happened if I had been out of the picture).

As far as the jealousy, I am just loving being in love with him and I am so new to the idea of sharing a partner with someone else. It's not so much a trust issue as it is that I am just worried that the shininess of our relationship will wear off faster if he starts dating again.

Well the shininess will wear off eventually no matter what. That is always when the real work begins.

As for them, try looking at it a little differently. The difference they need to reconcile is that he is non-monogamous and she is not. Nothing to do with you. That is a fundamental difference between them that would most likely be there whether you were in the picture or not. How you feel about that should be related to how committed he is to doing poly with you. In other words, is there any indication that he would cave to her and dump you to go back to mono. If not and he keeps subjecting himself to her, that is his to deal with.

As you might be able to tell, I am not a big fan of being involved in my partners' other relationships. I can be there for them with emotional support but I don't want to know all the details.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW, here is my impression. I could be wrong... but you seem anxious and like you are struggling with it. If so? Take a step back and examine your feelings.

They had broken up previously because she didn't want him to be poly anymore. When he and I got together he was "single." Then shortly after we started dating, she came back into his life and apologized and they reconciled....but it was still uncertain whether they would be able to find a way forward. When she broke up with him, I think it was a combination of his unwillingness to be monogamous with her (including his relationship with me) and other issues.

She's allowed to do that. She doesn't want to be poly any more and breaks up. Then she comes back, tries again, and finds she still doesn't want to poly and breaks up. None of that is your responsibility or concern. She is allowed to live her life as she sees fit for her own happiness.

1. Sadness: I am sad that he is so upset by the break-up and I want to be supportive and nurturing.

Understandable. Be supportive for HIM though.

Not because it is the long way around to sorting your YOUR anxiety. Sometimes people try to "fix" other people's feelings so they don't have to feel uncomfortable watching them go through a rough patch. In that event it's not really supporting the person. It's trying to make their own discomfort go away.

I suggest you ask him what he wants/needs and then respect that if they are reasonable requests.

2. Relief: I never met her, but from what he had told me about her I honestly didn't think that they were a good match for each other

Yup. Not a match. She breaks up because she doesn't want poly, then comes back thinking what? He was going to stop poly or they were suddenly going to match better?

He does want poly. So she leaves again.

3. Responsibility: I feel an extra level of pressure to fill the void left by her absence.

You don't have to fill any void. Again... if you are feeling anxious watching him process and sort through his emotions? Support him appropriately. Don't be dealing with your own anxiety by trying to "fix him" or "fix things for him" so he's not feeling yucky.

Sunny days or stormy skies? Feelings all pass in time. One weathers them out and lets them go by. You don't have to DO anything about the sun or the clouds.

Is this desire to (fill the void) a desire to (protect your NRE space with him) that you are afraid of losing?

4. Guilt: I don't know for sure, but I get the impression that part of the reason she left him was that she was insecure about the fact that he was seeing me.

Not your responsibility. He could have been seeing someone else rather than you. The heart of the matter is that she doesn't want poly and she was taking up with a poly person. So... she left again. Let her choices be hers.

5. Nervousness/Jealousy, Part 1: When he was together with the two of us (and with her being long-distance) he wasn't looking for other relationships and I could bask in the knowledge that I was the only source of NRE and get most of his attention and time. Now that they are broken up I am worried that he will start looking for another partner and that I will feel vulnerable because our relationship is still in a new/tender place.

So rather than hover or try to fill the void and deal with your anxiety/fear the long way around? Ask him up front not to date anyone new right now. You want to enjoy NRE a bit longer, and he's just broken up.

He will either agree or not agree. But you can ASK.

6. Nervousness/Jealousy, Part 2: this is not the first time they have broken up. I feel some anxiety that this is not a final break-up and that there is always going to be some level of drama in his relationship with her.

If it turns out to be some ping-pong drama thing where she's here and gone and here and gone? And you don't like that? Or don't like having to deal with partner upset and not upset and upset and not upset? And he doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain and stay broken up for good?

You can walk away from the drama and end things with him. You are not powerless. YOU can have the sense to come in out of the rain.

Again... look into solving YOUR anxieties. I think you could do that by being more assertive.

• Sort out what is your responsibility and what is not
• Support your partner in the way that he wants/needs (if reasonable requests)
• Don't try to "fix" him or his feelings so YOU can feel less anxious. Let him feel his feelings and process them himself so HE can feel better.
• Ask for what you need in the relationship.
• Decide to walk away if she comes back and it becomes drama. You don't have to choose to stay in drama.

Galagirl

 

[Shaya]

Hi

For someone going through such a tumultuous time, you pose very well-formed questions. Your #5 speaks to me.

In #5, you mention jealousy or insecurity making you fearful that he might now find another romantic partner at a time when you feel your relationship is vulnerable. Part of that may be what I call 'unjustified insecurity' or 'unjustified jealousy' and it happens to poly folk who see a loved one with a new partner - I call it unjustified because many of the emotions, when broken down, seem to stem from the leftovers of our monogamous worldview. However, jealousy can also serve as an alarm bell. In your case, your partner has just practised serial monogamy rather than polyamory; you and he started a new relationship and it may appear to some that he ejected his old relationship as soon as he felt secure with you. Using this as the basis in interpreting his relationship model, would his dating of a new girl signal his impending ejection of you from his life?

I dunno. There are probably too many factors left unsaid in your post for me to be able to read further, but I leave the thought for you to consider based on what you know about him and his past ability to do polyamory or serial monogamy. It may help contribute to an explanation of your discomfort with him doing poly.

If I were him, I would like to think that I would have broken up with the old girl first before starting a new relationship with you. Using polyamory as the soft transition to serial monogamy just cheapens the word 'amory' in my opinion.

 

[MsEmotional]

Hi

For someone going through such a tumultuous time, you pose very well-formed questions. Your #5 speaks to me.

In #5, you mention jealousy or insecurity making you fearful that he might now find another romantic partner at a time when you feel your relationship is vulnerable. Part of that may be what I call 'unjustified insecurity' or 'unjustified jealousy' and it happens to poly folk who see a loved one with a new partner - I call it unjustified because many of the emotions, when broken down, seem to stem from the leftovers of our monogamous worldview. However, jealousy can also serve as an alarm bell. In your case, your partner has just practised serial monogamy rather than polyamory; you and he started a new relationship and it may appear to some that he ejected his old relationship as soon as he felt secure with you. Using this as the basis in interpreting his relationship model, would his dating of a new girl signal his impending ejection of you from his life?

I dunno. There are probably too many factors left unsaid in your post for me to be able to read further, but I leave the thought for you to consider based on what you know about him and his past ability to do polyamory or serial monogamy. It may help contribute to an explanation of your discomfort with him doing poly.

If I were him, I would like to think that I would have broken up with the old girl first before starting a new relationship with you. Using polyamory as the soft transition to serial monogamy just cheapens the word 'amory' in my opinion.

I should clarify that he and the other girl were nonmonogamous. She wanted to move toward monogamy and he wanted to remain nonmonogamous. So it wasn't a situation of serial monogamy so much as mismatched long-term interests/intentions.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi MsEmotional,

It sounds like this breakup is causing you some problems, and not providing much in the way of benefits. In general I think you are approaching the matter sensibly and there's no need to be down on yourself.

Re: filling the void left by her absence ... is not something you can do. Maybe you could fill up the time gap, but you are a different person than her, and people can't replace each other in relationships.

Re: her leaving because he was seeing you ... is his responsibility, not yours. He chose to see you, that was his choice. You chose to see him too, but that wouldn't have happened without his complicity. She was his partner/girlfriend, and he chose to be involved with two people. He knew she was not keen on nonmonogamy.

Just addressing a few of your points, I know this doesn't address all of them. Let's hope he stays broken up with her this time around.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.