What's your thoughts

L

lisa6

New member
Just looking for your thoughts..

I don't have much experience with relationships except with my husband..

Husband I both in relationship with girlfriend for 2 years..

We asked girlfriend this last Friday, Sat and Monday to get together.. Next weekend she can't because her family is visiting..

She turned us down each time.. so here we are in Tues... tues is her day off and the her kids and ours went away together this week.. although she works no kids in the house this week..

Anyway so after being turned down 3 times in a row neither my husband or I want to ask again so we are waiting for her to take iniative.. she hasn't..

She lives 15 minutes down the road..and we haven't seen her in 10 days..

This is bothering me.. should it?

She even said today she was at home bored but made not attempt to invite us over or suggest doing anything..

I feel confused and don't understand..she says she loves us and is interested in continuing a relationship.. we did see her the weekend beforeand had two dates
 
Hi Lisa,

The general gist of a lot of your posts seem to circle around the confusion you have over what your girlfriend feels for the two of you. I hear you've asked her point blank whether she's losing interest in you guys and she reassures you that that's not the case - reassuring you that she loves you both. I hear that she is not out to her family and family for her often seems to take priority over you and your husband, perhaps because explaining poly to family is something she wants to avoid so her commitments have to be family first in order to avoid an unwanted explanation of poly - maybe, maybe not. I dunno.

When words do not match actions, I often believe the actions. Personally, it hurts me when my loved ones' words do not match their actions since it comes across a bit like a lie. Maybe a more helpful way of thinking about it is that they're not lying to you, but maybe lying to themselves in the sense that they're not even consciously aware of it? Or maybe they're in denial about this aspect of themselves? From what you've written, I would guess that your girlfriend's actions speaks about wanting more space from you and it seems she would like to transition your relationship into something that gives her more time to herself.

Do you feel this may be the case?
 
Hi!

Thank you for your thoughts..

We were invited over last minute last night.. we went and spent time..

She was a bit distant and as a result my husband got upset..

Which in turn resulted in her opening up and communicating..

She that she really does love each of us and I believe her..

Gf says the issue is that she is struggling very hard being off her antidepressants ..

She is having anxiety attacks daily and is very depressed and going they a ton with that..she is embarrassed about her issues and was afraid to open up..she is also having night terrors as well.. and unfortunately being off the medication has caused her to really dislike herself so she is suffering huge self esteem issue..

I was afraid my husband was going to call it quits after she pushed him away again last night.. but now she has opened up the discussion and he wants to talk to her..i have hope we can resolve this by talking.

I don't know what the solution is other than she needs to be on her medication.. she can't afford it but we would be willing to pay for it.. don't want her to suffer without it.
 
As someone who has bipolar disorder and has had to be off my meds for periods at a time due to financial issues, I can empathize entirely.

However, this push/pull relationship has been going on for some time, and you always get hurt and anxious about it. It might be better for the two of you (and her as well, since she will no longer feel any pressure from that quarter) that you transition your relationship with her to friends at this point.

This doesn't have to be forever. But, in her state of mind, she really doesn't need any more real or imagined obligations to fulfill. She needs to work on HERSELF.

It would be an enormous kindness for you to offer to pay for her medications, but only with the explicit understanding this is not a quid pro quo situation. She shouldn't feel like she needs to start upping her game as a girlfriend for each of you in order to "earn" her medication.
 
lisa6 said:
Hi!
Which in turn resulted in her opening up and communicating..

Gf says the issue is that she is struggling very hard being off her antidepressants ..

She is having anxiety attacks daily and is very depressed and going they a ton with that..she is embarrassed about her issues and was afraid to open up..she is also having night terrors as well.. and unfortunately being off the medication has caused her to really dislike herself so she is suffering huge self esteem issue..
Click to expand...

You've been best friends with this woman for a number of years even before you entered in a relationship, correct? Yet you weren't aware she has been struggling with depression and anxiety or had gone off her meds? Why do you think that's the case? Seems like there's been a lack of communication and openness around some important issues.

I know from experience that depression can sap one's energy and put a dampener on the desire to socialise or have sex. Your gf may feel that if she agrees to see you and your husband, she will be expected to "perform" sexually even though she isn't feeling it. If she suspects that being rejected will hurt/disappointment you or your husband, she might find it easier to simply make an excuse not to come over.
 
Hi!

Yes I was aware she was on medication and I was also aware she got off.. I was not aware of how much she is struggling off her medication..I had a gut feeling most of her behavior was probably do to being off medications but was not 100% percent sure..

Oh gosh I hope she would never feel that my husband or myself expect her to perform sexually. Although I do love sex I am happy with holding hands and would never want her to feel pressured in anyway..she is a friend and a lover not a sex not a sex toy ..

As far as buying her medications- this would be an act of kindness on my part and not something done with expectations of anything in return.. I just want her to have what she needs to be healthy and for her not to struggle..
 
Yes, I understand you don't WANT to put her under any pressure, but you have.

Asking her if she still wants to be involved in a relationship with you, more than once (you have posted about this a few times), is pressure.

You don't have to choose to deal with the uncertainty. You can just transition to platonic friends at this point, with NO expectations. It would certainly seem better for all parties, instead of the questions every few weeks if she still wants to "be" with you.
 
I agree with the others.

Stop dating. Or at least stop expecting to do "big date stuff and sex" right now while she's ill.

If she were in hospital with a broken back, you would not expect to go out to dinner, share sex, go on trips, etc. At most maybe watch a movie. But even that might be too much and if she falls asleep during the movie you don't get mad at her. Because you know she's ill.

Take all the pressure off her, you, and husband. Then you don't have to keep wondering every few weeks if she's still into you or not. You accept she's not ABLE to date like a healthy person right now because she isn't healthy right now. You give her time and space to deal with that.

Could give her a pre-paid Visa card. She can then pay for her stuff. Don't make it like you go to the pharmacy with her and swipe your card like she's your child. Just give her money if you are going to give it. With no strings. Then SHE pays herself with her Visa card -- her meds, groceries, doc appointments, whatever she needs.

You can offer to help in other ways at her home -- wash the dishes, or walk the dog or bring a casserole. Respect her wishes on that. Even if you doing some chores is helpful she might be having a "hermit" day when even talking to you to let you in is too much talking and drains her. Depression sucks up a lot of patient spoons. It also makes you not think right or clearly.

She sounds like she needs a good friend more than anything else. So be that.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
lisa6 said:
Hi!

Yes I was aware she was on medication and I was also aware she got off.. I was not aware of how much she is struggling off her medication..

Oh gosh I hope she would never feel that my husband or myself expect her to perform sexually. Although I do love sex I am happy with holding hands and would never want her to feel pressured in anyway..she is a friend and a lover not a sex not a sex toy ..

As far as buying her medications- this would be an act of kindness on my part and not something done with expectations of anything in return
Click to expand...

I see. Well, you sound like a very loving and caring person, Lisa, who perhaps might not have thought some of this stuff all the way through, or who may not have had much experience with severe clinical depression.

(I have to agree with GalaGirl's thoughts on depression, as I'm mired in a recurrence of it at the moment myself and understand that it can sap ALL of a person's energy.)

Regarding expectations or pressure you and your husband may be putting on your gf for sex: I'm not suggesting you are doing this on purpose, or even at all, however it may possibly be how SHE perceives these invitations, and if so, the very idea may be all too much for her to contemplate. The thought that she's letting you down or being a "bad" girlfriend may then play into her feelings of depression, so like the others say, explicitly REMOVE all expectations surrounding physical intimacy for the moment.
 
Hi lisa6,

If it's okay for me to mention it, I think I remember from another thread that your husband was going to offer your girlfriend a job where she would have insurance and could afford her meds. Is that still going to happen?

In multiple past threads, I have observed that your girlfriend is repeatedly pulling away from you, turning down your invitations, and canceling plans with you. It is never you pulling away from her. What I mean is, maybe she is less invested in her relationship with you than you are in your relationship with her. Doesn't mean she doesn't want you around, just means that your needs, in your relationship with her, are greater than her needs in her relationship with you. And I'm not sure what you would do about that, just making an observation.

I see that you are frustrated. She lives 15 minutes down the road, yet she lets 10 days go by without visiting you. She says she is bored at home, yet she still won't invite you over or suggest doing anything. This makes you wonder if she even cares about you. Things get heated and then she says she does care ... but then the cycle starts all over again. That's frustrating.

I don't know whether pulling away from her romantically is the answer here, maybe it is. But even if you don't pull away romantically, maybe you should scale back your expectations. She's not as into you as you're into her, at least that's the way I see it. That or, she's more of a solitary person and needs more time to herself. I don't know why she keeps turning you down, I am just guessing.

I hope the three of you get a chance to talk, and work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I've had a couple of long depressive troughs in my life (caused largely by outside circumstances, generally death). I really did NOT like it when well-intentioned friends tried to jolly me out of it or distract me or whatever. The ones who tried to pretend there was "nothing really wrong with you" were odious.

The ones who actually helped? They simply let me turn to them for support, as I needed -- might've been just someone to sit with me while I cried a little, & then joined me in being happy for a little while as the clouds lifted & other (pleasant!) stuff had room to come back into my head.

A couple of years ago, I saw a commercial that likened clinical depression to a cancer patient undergoing treatment. I wanted to say it was ridiculously over-the-top... but DAMN if they didn't nail it.

It seems as though people in our society have gotten so used to hearing a chirpy "depression is treatable!!" that they then get the impression ALL depressikon is just a matter of taking this week's Magic Pill. Sure, they might have (or know someone with) mild bipolar, & leap to the conclusion that anyone who doesn't get fixed up tout de suite is just using it as an excuse (to gain control or get attention or whatever).

That attitude DOES NOT aid progress toward healing.

Poking at someone who's ill, trying to get THEM to support YOUR fragile little feelings, is NOT emotionally healthy for EITHER of you.

The difference between you two: supposedly, YOU aren't ill. Therefore, it's mostly up to YOU to fix YOURSELF.

You could begin by running past us how you might start doing that. Like, starting today.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top