Hello all,
Wanted to share my story. Not sure how typical this is, so I wanted to hear some feedback from the group. A few weeks ago, my wife and I had our second conversation in as many months about the fact we aren't having sex any longer after 26 years of marriage. We were both very honest with each other, and it was very helpful to share how we are both feeling about the situation.
We have two kids, ages 17 and 21, and have had a reasonably happy marriage over the years. I have, however, always felt since I was in my late teens, that being married - and completely monogamous - with one person for the rest of my life, was actually kind of ridiculous and unrealistic. For most of human history, this has not really been the case, but is actually a 20th century thing.
Of course, in society, this has led to a lot of cheating, divorce, and guilty feelings for those involved who are made to feel that they are evil for desiring another person, or even - gasp - having lunch or coffee with a member of the opposite sex. And as much as some people deny that this is an issue, the prevailing mood in society is that "men and women can't be just friends" without it being more.
Back to my marriage - about 5 years ago, the sex just stopped. She just had no interest at all, and wrote it off to being over 40 and said no one over 40 has sex very often. Well, I begged to differ, but because we were married, didn't see that I had any other options. And a few years after that, she had major cancer surgery and five months of chemo, which completely eliminated any hormones and sexual desire she had (which had not been much beforehand).
So, especially after her surgery and chemo, I literally resigned myself to never having sex more than a few times per year for the rest of my life.
I got to a point where I felt like I couldn't win. I couldn't have sex with my wife. I also couldn't look for it elsewhere - at least in my understanding of "the rules." So I decided to sit down with her and see where she was coming from - and the answer surprised me.
She said she would be OK if I had an affair because she had no interest in sex and didn't want me to just be shut out of the experience. Unable to believe what I was hearing, we continued to talk about it, and she repeated it several times, and even gave me a few names of single women who she knew liked me.
Combine this with my lifelong feelings about how monogamy is unrealistic, and having had repressed feelings for other women several, several times over the years, I began to read more about polyamory. It has been an epiphany - because now I know there are others who feel the same way and have groups that talk about such things, and have fun together.
My question to the group - I am attending my first polyamory group meeting this upcoming week - a social hour to meet a few people over pizza. My wife does not want to be involved, due to her lack of interest in sex, so I'm afraid people will think I'm scamming them. How should I address this? Is this a common occurrence?
Thanks everyone!
Wanted to share my story. Not sure how typical this is, so I wanted to hear some feedback from the group. A few weeks ago, my wife and I had our second conversation in as many months about the fact we aren't having sex any longer after 26 years of marriage. We were both very honest with each other, and it was very helpful to share how we are both feeling about the situation.
We have two kids, ages 17 and 21, and have had a reasonably happy marriage over the years. I have, however, always felt since I was in my late teens, that being married - and completely monogamous - with one person for the rest of my life, was actually kind of ridiculous and unrealistic. For most of human history, this has not really been the case, but is actually a 20th century thing.
Of course, in society, this has led to a lot of cheating, divorce, and guilty feelings for those involved who are made to feel that they are evil for desiring another person, or even - gasp - having lunch or coffee with a member of the opposite sex. And as much as some people deny that this is an issue, the prevailing mood in society is that "men and women can't be just friends" without it being more.
Back to my marriage - about 5 years ago, the sex just stopped. She just had no interest at all, and wrote it off to being over 40 and said no one over 40 has sex very often. Well, I begged to differ, but because we were married, didn't see that I had any other options. And a few years after that, she had major cancer surgery and five months of chemo, which completely eliminated any hormones and sexual desire she had (which had not been much beforehand).
So, especially after her surgery and chemo, I literally resigned myself to never having sex more than a few times per year for the rest of my life.
I got to a point where I felt like I couldn't win. I couldn't have sex with my wife. I also couldn't look for it elsewhere - at least in my understanding of "the rules." So I decided to sit down with her and see where she was coming from - and the answer surprised me.
She said she would be OK if I had an affair because she had no interest in sex and didn't want me to just be shut out of the experience. Unable to believe what I was hearing, we continued to talk about it, and she repeated it several times, and even gave me a few names of single women who she knew liked me.
Combine this with my lifelong feelings about how monogamy is unrealistic, and having had repressed feelings for other women several, several times over the years, I began to read more about polyamory. It has been an epiphany - because now I know there are others who feel the same way and have groups that talk about such things, and have fun together.
My question to the group - I am attending my first polyamory group meeting this upcoming week - a social hour to meet a few people over pizza. My wife does not want to be involved, due to her lack of interest in sex, so I'm afraid people will think I'm scamming them. How should I address this? Is this a common occurrence?
Thanks everyone!
