Boyfriend issues

E

ElMango

Member
This is more a "I still feel new and unsure" type question.

I've come to realize that 1) as time goes on my boyfriend appears to put less...into the relationship.
Before things got more serious he'd initiate conversations, flirting, stuff like that. Now it's always me. He'll read messages and then never reply. I constantly feel like I'm vying for attention. When we are physically together things are fine and like normal. But when it comes to the whole "talking occasionally over text format because we both hate talking on the phone" it's changed and it sucks. I'm putting forth 100% of the effort

This has been slowly getting worse over the last two months or so.

I'm married, so am I allowed to say I need more of an emotional commitment or effort from him? Like I feel almost guilty because I have a husband and he doesn't have anyone else (I am not stopping him he is free to date anyone he wants provided before sex there is a clear STI test) saying "I love you but I do need some more emotions and effort from you on the communication front."

Also this relationship is still fairly new, so is this just growing pains?

Like is it normal to feel this way? Am I allowed to even ask for more from him?
 
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Ravenscroft said:
iME, freedom is worth as much as commitment. They're sides of the same coin. You're doing fine except where you insist upon frightenig yourself. :D
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Can you elaborate?
 
ElMango said:
This is more a "I still feel new and unsure" type question.

I've come to realize that 1) as time goes on my boyfriend appears to put less...into the relationship.
Before things got more serious he'd initiate conversations, flirting, stuff like that. Now it's always me. He'll read messages and then never reply. I constantly feel like I'm vying for attention. When we are physically together things are fine and like normal. But when it comes to the whole "talking occasionally over text format because we both hate talking on the phone" it's changed and it sucks. I'm putting forth 100% of the effort

This has been slowly getting worse over the last two months or so.

I'm married, so am I allowed to say I need more of an emotional commitment or effort from him? Like I feel almost guilty because I have a husband and he doesn't have anyone else (I am not stopping him he is free to date anyone he wants provided before sex there is a clear STI test) saying "I love you but I do need some more emotions and effort from you on the communication front."

Also this relationship is still fairly new, so is this just growing pains?

Like is it normal to feel this way? Am I allowed to even ask for more from him?
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You are not only "allowed" to ask for what you need, but in my opinion you should, lest this incompatibility grow into unspoken resentment and over time, an unbridgeable rift.

I'm interested to see how you approach this (should you decide to broach the topic), and moreover how your boyfriend will react... as I am experiencing a very similar issue with my male partner of two years.

In fact, just today I brought up this subject in a very serious, scheduled manner, after months of feeling like I'm his last priority, time and communication-wise. At the moment we are at an impasse, because I do not want to be offered trite words and meaningless promises without consistent effort and action to redress this issue.
 
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How did you do it? Do you have any recommendations?
 
Hi ElMango,

It seems to me that the thing you need from your boyfriend is more texting (of good quality of course). So, you could put it to him in those simple and specific words. "Honey, I am missing the texting we used to have. Could you initiate more texts to me going forward?" Something to that effect, is what I would recommend.

Certainly you are allowed to ask for what you need ... though he may say no, that is his decision. People often have this kind of problem, especially in poly. It can happen early in a relationship, and it can even happen later on in a relationship. Don't worry about that part if you can help it.

Hopefully you can come to some kind of agreement.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi ElMango,

It seems to me that the thing you need from your boyfriend is more texting (of good quality of course). So, you could put it to him in those simple and specific words. "Honey, I am missing the texting we used to have. Could you initiate more texts to me going forward?" Something to that effect, is what I would recommend.

Certainly you are allowed to ask for what you need ... though he may say no, that is his decision. People often have this kind of problem, especially in poly. It can happen early in a relationship, and it can even happen later on in a relationship. Don't worry about that part if you can help it.

Hopefully you can come to some kind of agreement.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Thank you!


The poly dynamic with this is more what is throwing me off. I'm trying to remind myself that relationships are fluid and some last and some don't but communication in a new relationship is so very different than the communication between my husband and I after 8 years haha
 
ElMango said:
communication in a new relationship is so very different than the communication between my husband and I after 8 years haha
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True, but in a relationship that's going somewhere, you don't have to extract loving attention out of your partner. Stating your needs, as if all of this is just a matter of love language administration, isn't going to address what is happening here. Poly or no, this is a typical pattern in which the partners are super all-in at first, one loses interest quickly but hangs on for the sex. The other partner is doing cartwheels to keep the waning interest from slipping off the edge of the earth. It's a pattern that's all too frequent in the dating world. No matter its age, a relationship that's going in a good direction doesn't leave one partner putting on a circus act to keep the interest of the other.

How long have you been seeing him?
 
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ElMango said:
How did you do it? Do you have any recommendations?
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In my case... my partner's extremely high IQ, ADHD and addictive personality mean he has a tendency to be easily distracted. Two years ago, we were both hit by intense NRE... unfortunately, this wore off for J sooner than it did for me, often leaving me feeling under-satisfied, confused and a little bereft when my efforts were not reciprocated in a timely fashion, the way they once had been.

I'm not generally a "needy" person or someone who tries to keep tabs on their partner 24/7 - impossible anyway as this is a LDR - however there have been many times during the past eighteen months where I have felt neglected and unimportant to the one person who swore (and still swears) I am the centre of his world.

As both J and I need a lot of space and time alone to "decompress", it can get tricky knowing how often is TOO often (or not often enough) to text, message, call, initiative sex or the like.

Intermittently, J has a habit of letting all forms of communication slide to a point where they're virtually non-existent, mainly because he is the sort of person who lives almost completely in his head. Since we both KNOW how we feel about each other, and neither of us have actually STATED that anything has changed - and especially if HE is thinking about me (perhaps writing a song, daydreaming or fantasising) - in HIS eyes, it is almost as though we are together in that moment.

While that is true for both of us to a degree, and being able to communicate without words is a romantic notion... experiencing long delays between message/replies, little obvious enthusiasm, or distracted conversations on a regular basis DOES NOT meet my needs in terms of an actual relationship.

So... the way I handled it this time, was to set up a phone-call during which I specifically addressed this issue alone; explaining the differences between Love as a FEELING or an ideal abstract concept, and the ACT of LOVING somebody i.e. the daily effort and choices we make to show that love and to meet our partner's needs, not just make sure our own are met.

I explained that while it's true that nobody is, or should be, entirely responsible for the way another person feels or their overall happiness... IF one partner has professed a commitment to another person in the name of love, and a desire to be that person's life partner, then they DO have a certain obligation to put forth regular effort to ensure the other person doesn't die on the vine waiting to be shown some affection/attention or have their efforts and care reciprocated.

As "PARTNERS", the implication is that both parties should prioritise each other wherever practical (obviously work, studies, children, family/friends and self-care that are critical and shouldn't be overlooked) - and not grudgingly, as if doing so were an obligation one must fulfil, but lovingly and enthusiastically because one WANTS to spend time with the other person and wants to see them happy.

In our case, I gave J specific examples of what I would LIKE to have him do more often (ask how I feel the next day if he knows I've been ill; ask questions about my childhood or family members to show curiosity/interest; don't forget or overlook important and unique love rituals we've developed, even if he doesn't do these every single day; and most importantly, don't just assume that because I've got another partner she will "pick up the slack". It doesn't work like that, and nobody is a substitute for anybody else!)

And yes, from time to time I find it necessary to remind my partner in an almost gravely official sense that he is breaching his "duty of care" to me as his chosen life partner and needs to address the above issue before my dissatisfaction becomes so severe that it ruins the good feelings I hold toward him. I DO truly love J, and He loves me, but the LDR aspect as well as his ADHD often hamper communication and displays of practical caring for one another.
 
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Thanks so much!
 
I also wonder how long you've been together?

Are you familiar with "love languages?" Words that show you care are very important to some people, and not important to others.

We can "train" our SOs to make more of an effort to fulfill our need for a certain kind of love. But other lovers will be resistant.

Poly has nothing to do with it. You have just as much right to be treated in the fashion you like or need by any lover as any mono person does.

All you can do is ask. If he's just not the texting type, and is really resistant, you might be shit outa luck. Then you decide if it's a dealbreaker or not.

All feelings are "normal." You decide how to act upon them.

I had a lover once who wasn't into texting often. I like a lover who will, but his other highly satisfying qualities outweighed my preference, so I adapted to it. Your mileage may vary.
 
We've been together almost 5 months.

We hung out today and talked. Less about the texting specifically and more about emotional needs in general but it was good. He kinda gets more so now that I do need that extra attention and to be more assured that in still liked

I definitely know the love languages. I don't know if he does though
 
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