Well what i want and told her i want better communication the be able to spend more time with her i didnt see her for 2 weeks cus she was allways with friends and i want her to be able to leave the house every once in a while. I would honestly be fine with her flirting with other people if that helped i just wouldent want her falling in love with them she did explan that she was not in love with the other guy more of a likeing of him and she easly dropped him of i asked her to make a list of what she truely wants so we can try to work everything out
Please help
- Thread starter Hermanl
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Well what i want and told her i want better communication the be able to spend more time with her i didnt see her for 2 weeks cus she was allways with friends and i want her to be able to leave the house every once in a while. I would honestly be fine with her flirting with other people if that helped i just wouldent want her falling in love with them she did explan that she was not in love with the other guy more of a likeing of him and she easly dropped him of i asked her to make a list of what she truely wants so we can try to work everything out
It doesn't sound like you're looking for anything extreme, more somewhere in the middle (e.g. leave the house once in awhile but not all the time). I hope she reacts well when you tell her what you want, if not then I guess that's where better communication comes in.
I think she toke it well not positive before all this started happing she was put on medication for adhd and idk if its affecting anything but i do know that she has told me that she wouldn't be able to handle the thought of me being with someone else ( witch i dont wanna be with anyone else anyway)
I havent gotten to talk to her about that yet but we use to do things before but she never would want another girl involed our me to talk to any other girls and she said she couldent stand it if i would it wasnt a poly relationship just 3 ways (im straight so it was us two on her)
Now when you say "us two," do you mean you and one other guy? (or you and one other gal?) I hope I'm not prying, I'm a curious man. In any case, she seems to have a double standard and maybe that's a reason not to go in the open/polyamory direction. I'm not sure.
Me and one other guy she wouldent alow another girl happend a couple time different guys but if i would bring up about she could pick a girl then she would quickly say no not going to happen.
Allso she keeps saying shes poly but i really dont think she is i have read alot about it and all she has ever said was she can like another guy while loveing me but allso says she wouldent want another relationship what does this make her cus i think she maby confused
Well polyamory is usually understood to mean having relationships -- not just having a crush on someone, as seems to be the case with your wife. What does she have in mind, a FWB? That's kind of in the gray area between poly and other kinds of nonmonogamy. If all she wants to do is crush on the guy from afar, that's not even necessarily nonmonogamy, lots of monogamists crush on this or that movie star for example.
As long as she is saying, "I don't know," I would say that any open/poly plans should be put on hold. Maybe she knows what she wants and is afraid to say it. But that's not your responsibility, at least not if you are providing her with a safe space to express her wants. To put it simply, your job is to believe her -- whatever she says. Even if what she says is, "I don't know." I'm pretty sure *you* don't want her to have multiple romantic partners; correct me if I'm wrong.
I really dont want her to
If it were me in your shoes? I think that's unfair. If she doesn't know what she wants? Then why rock the boat and upset everything and put me through the wringer telling me she really likes him and wants to sleep with him? And that she wants to date other people and that she would like to sleep with other people? Only to back pedal into the land of "I don't know?"
I dislike waffling. I like straight up communication.
I think you could be firm about what YOU want. If you don't really want to be doing anything Open/Poly/threesome with her? Say it firmly. Say what YOU want:
- More communication and less going in circles.
- More time together and not her always going out with friends and neglecting (you + her) time.
- Closed marriage in general, a little flirting for kicks is ok. No open, no poly, no threesomes.
She either meets your personal standard for what you want in a spouse or she doesn't. If she doesn't make the cut? You decide whether or not you want to keep on with her as your spouse.
I agree with kdt26417 that it is on her to articulate what she wants. Giver her time and space to do that.
At the same time, if she keeps on saying "I don't know what I want" forever? You could accept that she isn't saying that she loves you and wants to be Closed and committed with you. So it's on you to decide how long you want to be "living in limbo" like that.
I would have a hard time staying married with someone who isn't sure she wants to be with me. Becoming exes/co-parents would be my choice. Then I can be free of the "limbo" stuff. I can understand needing time to figure herself out, but I'm not spending 10, 20, 30 years in "lukewarm limbo marriage" like that. I deserve to be happy in my life and I want a marriage that is more than that.
I don't have to put MY life on hold forever or continue with a kinda "meh" marriage just because she doesn't know what she wants. I can know what *I* want.
I know I want to be with someone who really loves being with me and is excited about being with me. I do not want to be with someone who isn't sure what she wants and just wants to keep me around for a "back up plan" or something.
So I'd suggest giving her some time to figure out and articulate what she wants. Listen, but don't be "fishing" or trying to "pull it out of her."
Decide how much time you want to give that process. A year? Two years? Certainly not 30 years of "I don't know" stuff, right?
Live normal life and get your other stuff together in the meanwhile -- finding a job, making more friends, getting settled in the new state, check ups, etc.
Galagirl
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I think that i will give her a little more time to find herself but she is the one that brought up everything and i have told her what i want and everyday not knowing whats going on is torcher the only thing she said she was certain about was she wants to be with me
I agree. I wouldn't want to be living like that every day indefinitely, hurting the whole time. Give it some time, but not forever.
Be with you HOW? All "meh" limbo? That's her best offer? That might good enough marriage for her. But that would not be a good enough marriage offer to ME.
I'm not sticking around in a "meh/limbo" marriage if it is better for me to part respectfully, be decent exes/coparents, and then move on to so I have a chance at a really loving and fulfilling marriage with a spouse who really loves being with me and is excited to be with me.
She can still have me in her life - as a good ex and coparent. But she cannot have me as her spouse in a meh marriage. I want a better quality marriage/life than that.
I guess you give her some time, and if that's the best offer she can give you? You decide it that's a tasty offer to you or not.
Galagirl
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Im really hopeing she does find out what she wants soon but at the same time i no she doesnt have much time to resurch about what she wants our think about who she really is do to her job and how meny hours she works so i think the best option would be to wait till her days of have passed and she has the whole day to think about things
Shaya
New member
Hi again Herman,
I'm hearing you say that your wife is finding herself attracted to another man and confused about her feelings for you. Polyamory is a term she's come across and with which she feels she identifies with. I hear you say that you don't believe she quite fits polyamory based on the polyamory resources you have read. I further hear a double standard in that while she wants to have multiple partners, she doesn't want you to have multiple partners. I furthermore hear that you are uncomfortable with sharing her with others.
That's a lot to take in.
I see issues about her, and I see issues about you.
It's clear that there can be no polyamory right now. There's work to be done before polyamory can be entered into ethically.
I'm curious what you see as the problem and how to approach it. What does your partner see as things she needs to change about herself in the near future. What do you see as things you would like to change about yourself to make yourself a better person?
Finally, I'm not sure about others on this forum, but I'm finding it hard to understand what you write. I think putting in full stops into your sentences will help me follow what you're writing more easily.
Thanks! And best wishes,
Shaya.
I'm hearing you say that your wife is finding herself attracted to another man and confused about her feelings for you. Polyamory is a term she's come across and with which she feels she identifies with. I hear you say that you don't believe she quite fits polyamory based on the polyamory resources you have read. I further hear a double standard in that while she wants to have multiple partners, she doesn't want you to have multiple partners. I furthermore hear that you are uncomfortable with sharing her with others.
That's a lot to take in.
I see issues about her, and I see issues about you.
It's clear that there can be no polyamory right now. There's work to be done before polyamory can be entered into ethically.
I'm curious what you see as the problem and how to approach it. What does your partner see as things she needs to change about herself in the near future. What do you see as things you would like to change about yourself to make yourself a better person?
Finally, I'm not sure about others on this forum, but I'm finding it hard to understand what you write. I think putting in full stops into your sentences will help me follow what you're writing more easily.
Thanks! And best wishes,
Shaya.
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