Okay, I am the hinge in a LDR "V" relationship with two people who used to be intimately involved with each other, but who are now not - by agreement of all parties - though they are very close friends. At the moment, the relationship is going quite well in general, however I have two separate, niggling issues I am dealing with right now:
Problem 1: My gf, B, lives closer to my other partner than I do. She is also far better off financially than either of us. She and I came to an agreement (at my suggestion) that we don't buy/send each other expensive or substantial gifts throughout the year, other than at birthdays and Christmas, because I hate to be in the position where I cannot reciprocate or feel there is a power imbalance.
However, my bf (and her former lover/friend), J, is even less financial than I am. He rarely buys/sends material gifts, although he contributes and gifts us both in other ways, as he is a musician and artist.
(NOTE: J and B do NOT have the same agreement as B and I do about gifts throughout the year - and she has been in the habit of sending him things on a fairly regular basis whenever she feels like it or when he needs something, since before I entered the picture. They also go away on trips together semi-regularly, and most of the costs incurred are worn by B. )
I do not begrudge him her gifts/financial help. At all. My problem with this is... whenever *I* save up and do something special for J, or give him something I consider to be a unique and meaningful gift from me alone... B invariably swoops in soon afterwards and gives him something in a similar vein; takes him on lavish vacation; or offers to "help him out" out of a financial jam in a fashion I simply cannot afford. On the surface, her gestures appear magnanimous and selfless - and they probably are, at heart, as she is a very giving person - however it sometimes feels as if she is trying to "out-do" me, whether she means to or not. I feel my own efforts are soon forgotten/unappreciated/outshone by her grand-er gestures.
I realise this may seem like a petty gripe, however, the more often it happens, the more it is starting to rub me the wrong way. My question is: should I say anything about my feelings or should I just suck it up and be glad she is so generous with J?
***************
Problem 2: Completely unrelated to the above. There is a mis-match of libidos between J and I. When we began our LDR we "matched" perfectly in this respect. NRE was extremely powerful, even though our relationship was not conducted in person, and we managed to get each other off on a regular basis in some very creative ways, despite limitations of privacy on both parts (my children's presence, his flatmates' presence, a lengthy stay in rehab etc.)
J had/has issues with substance abuse and he admitted he almost always used ED drugs to combat issues affecting libido and the ability to "finish" with previous partners in the past, on the relatively rare occasions he engaged in PIV sexual intercourse. Additionally, he told me he'd never felt this romantically or sexually connected to a person, and the frequency and tone of our activities seemed to bear that out for the first 6-8 months of our relationship.
After this, the cyber-sexual part of our relationship took a sharp nosedive, and I later (much later) found out that there were many causes for this, including a relapse of sorts, when it came to using drugs such as speed and weed. I was unaware he was using again, at the time, and was baffled his sudden non-interest in this side of our relationship, though he made many excuses.
Fast forward a year or so >>> J and I meet in person and the sex is good. Maybe not off the charts great, but satisfying and regular enough, considering the limited time we had together.
However, I later discover that, unbeknownst to me, J had been using both speed AND Cialis in order to perform, or as he put it, to WANT to perform. (Without drugs, he claims he has very little desire to engage in sex. Not that he "can't".) Naturally, this hasn't done much for my self-esteem. It's not that I feel undesirable per se - as I know I am relatively attractive for my age and my other partner still wants me - however, I now feel un-desired by J, whereas we used to have a strong sexual connection. To be honest, this connection was part of the attraction and was bound up in the "specialness" of our relationship. I admit, I loved that he wanted me more than he'd wanted other lovers - and without the aid of drugs, ED or otherwise.
Sure, we still CAN have a satisfying sex life, as borne out by the time we spent in person, but it baffles and disheartens me that he now says he cannot achieve this without chemical assistance. When he was totally clean, he seemed to feel desire much more strongly, and it bothers me that any future real-life sexual interaction will involve some level of substance use. It also bothers me A LOT that he wasn't open about this being an issue (with ME) until AFTER I had already slept with him in person multiple times, returned home, then confronted him about my suspicions.
Problem 1: My gf, B, lives closer to my other partner than I do. She is also far better off financially than either of us. She and I came to an agreement (at my suggestion) that we don't buy/send each other expensive or substantial gifts throughout the year, other than at birthdays and Christmas, because I hate to be in the position where I cannot reciprocate or feel there is a power imbalance.
However, my bf (and her former lover/friend), J, is even less financial than I am. He rarely buys/sends material gifts, although he contributes and gifts us both in other ways, as he is a musician and artist.
(NOTE: J and B do NOT have the same agreement as B and I do about gifts throughout the year - and she has been in the habit of sending him things on a fairly regular basis whenever she feels like it or when he needs something, since before I entered the picture. They also go away on trips together semi-regularly, and most of the costs incurred are worn by B. )
I do not begrudge him her gifts/financial help. At all. My problem with this is... whenever *I* save up and do something special for J, or give him something I consider to be a unique and meaningful gift from me alone... B invariably swoops in soon afterwards and gives him something in a similar vein; takes him on lavish vacation; or offers to "help him out" out of a financial jam in a fashion I simply cannot afford. On the surface, her gestures appear magnanimous and selfless - and they probably are, at heart, as she is a very giving person - however it sometimes feels as if she is trying to "out-do" me, whether she means to or not. I feel my own efforts are soon forgotten/unappreciated/outshone by her grand-er gestures.
I realise this may seem like a petty gripe, however, the more often it happens, the more it is starting to rub me the wrong way. My question is: should I say anything about my feelings or should I just suck it up and be glad she is so generous with J?
***************
Problem 2: Completely unrelated to the above. There is a mis-match of libidos between J and I. When we began our LDR we "matched" perfectly in this respect. NRE was extremely powerful, even though our relationship was not conducted in person, and we managed to get each other off on a regular basis in some very creative ways, despite limitations of privacy on both parts (my children's presence, his flatmates' presence, a lengthy stay in rehab etc.)
J had/has issues with substance abuse and he admitted he almost always used ED drugs to combat issues affecting libido and the ability to "finish" with previous partners in the past, on the relatively rare occasions he engaged in PIV sexual intercourse. Additionally, he told me he'd never felt this romantically or sexually connected to a person, and the frequency and tone of our activities seemed to bear that out for the first 6-8 months of our relationship.
After this, the cyber-sexual part of our relationship took a sharp nosedive, and I later (much later) found out that there were many causes for this, including a relapse of sorts, when it came to using drugs such as speed and weed. I was unaware he was using again, at the time, and was baffled his sudden non-interest in this side of our relationship, though he made many excuses.
Fast forward a year or so >>> J and I meet in person and the sex is good. Maybe not off the charts great, but satisfying and regular enough, considering the limited time we had together.
However, I later discover that, unbeknownst to me, J had been using both speed AND Cialis in order to perform, or as he put it, to WANT to perform. (Without drugs, he claims he has very little desire to engage in sex. Not that he "can't".) Naturally, this hasn't done much for my self-esteem. It's not that I feel undesirable per se - as I know I am relatively attractive for my age and my other partner still wants me - however, I now feel un-desired by J, whereas we used to have a strong sexual connection. To be honest, this connection was part of the attraction and was bound up in the "specialness" of our relationship. I admit, I loved that he wanted me more than he'd wanted other lovers - and without the aid of drugs, ED or otherwise.
Sure, we still CAN have a satisfying sex life, as borne out by the time we spent in person, but it baffles and disheartens me that he now says he cannot achieve this without chemical assistance. When he was totally clean, he seemed to feel desire much more strongly, and it bothers me that any future real-life sexual interaction will involve some level of substance use. It also bothers me A LOT that he wasn't open about this being an issue (with ME) until AFTER I had already slept with him in person multiple times, returned home, then confronted him about my suspicions.
Last edited:
