First Meeting With a Real Meta - Thoughts

[BonzaiBlitz]

My wife and I have now been operating in an open marriage for about 20 months, and tonight I met what I can convincingly call my first meta.
AKA, the first person to whom Bloom has developed a romantic/emotional attachment (or at least has voiced an attachment regarding) since we opened up.

We arranged a spur-of-the-moment game night at our (me and my wife's) house to test the water.

Pros:
1) He and I have very similar interests, particularly in geekdom.
2) I don't feel threatened by him, and I don't get a sense of being in danger of being replaced.

Cons:
1) I definitely felt awkward, especially in any moments of affection between him and Bloom. This has been a running issue with me regarding everyone she's dated since we opened up.
2) I realize now how much "our house" is a safe space for me, because eventually I started thinking in terms of when he'd leave, and from that point on I became more and more detached from the interaction. To the point of feeling like an annoying roommate cockblocking a date-in-progress, even.
3) Even with Pro #2 above, (and tied to Con #1) I feel discouraged regarding Bloom's interactions with him. Bloom was very...hands-on?...throughout the evening. This would be as-expected for NRE, but one thing we have struggled with over the years is that Physical Touch is my primary Love Language, and she's had to work hard to intentionally enter my bubble to provide everyday kinds of physical intimacy. That she seems to easily do this with him (and more) makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong.


Are these normal insecurities for someone who's still very much in the shallow end of the poly pool?
Especially since I'm not dating anyone at the moment (in spite of all my efforts).

 

[lunabunny]

Yes, I definitely think your insecurities are normal, Bonzai. Thus far, you seem to be handling the situation maturely, although it's clear you still have some reservations and your guard up, especially as it pertains to your wife bringing her lover(s) into your mutual "sanctuary".

As a self-described geek, you may simply be a loner-type or someone who greatly values their privacy (both understandable and pretty normal).

However, you should consider whether your distaste for a stranger "invading" your "home turf" might be because you metaphorically associate it with the knowledge that this new man has also "taken possession" of your wife in a physically intimate sense.

NOT that I'm suggesting you think of your wife as a chattel, but being faced with the reality of one's SO's connection with somebody else for the first time can be emotionally challenging for many new-to-poly people, especially if that first meeting takes place on home ground instead of neutral territory, I imagine.

but one thing we have struggled with over the years is that Physical Touch is my primary Love Language, and she's had to work hard to intentionally enter my bubble to provide everyday kinds of physical intimacy. That she seems to easily do this with him (and more) makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong.

If touch is your primary love language and you don't feel your wife has ever been able to really fulfil this need of yours without a lot of effort, then it's unlikely that it's the fault of her new relationship regardless of the NRE they are probably experiencing, and you and she should probably seek some couple's counselling or sex therapy to get to the bottom of it, so to speak.

You are most likely NOT doing anything "wrong", per se. However, it is a (sometimes unfortunate) fact that we each connect with different lovers/partners in different ways and with different degrees of intensity.

My first long-term sexual relationship was characterised by off-the-charts, almost non-stop sex. Granted, then-boyfriend and I were only 18-21 years old or thereabouts, so hormones definitely played into it. But even then, looking around at all my friends' relationships, I recognised that he and I had a special kind of sexual chemistry.

In contrast, my longest ever relationship (my recently-ended marriage of two decades plus) definitely burned less hot sexually/emotionally, yet my husband and I still enjoyed a pretty enjoyable and fulfilling sex life with a reasonable degree of frequency. We were, and remain, great friends... who connected with each other through humour and music among other interests... and he WAS pretty damn good in bed. Yet during our 20-odd years together, I always found it hard to be emotionally vulnerable with him (to spontaneously touch, say I love you, cry or allow him to cry without feeling a little awkward).

Fast-forward to my new relationships (I'm the hinge in a MFF V) and I find I am MUCH more emotionally expressive with both of my lovers than I ever was with my husband. We are long distance, so there hasn't been THAT much touch or in-person sex in order to compare, however I find I can talk about emotional stuff, in-depth sexual fantasies and the like, with both Jester and Boho (once again, with different degrees and emphasis) than I could with my husband. Then again, I LIVED with my husband for many many years, and we could often accomplish enjoyable sex without need of words or "flirtatious" courtship-type touching beforehand.

I'm wondering what the AIM was in having you meet your metamour? Was it just an exercise in getting to know each other for politeness or curiosity's sake? Do you/your wife/meta hope to... what?

- Meet/eyeball each other occasionally for the sake of exchanging information pertinent to the group?
- Be on friendly terms in order to feel less awkward in the event of future social encounters, or be less of a mystery to each other?
- Become actual friends?
- Develop a close bond with a view to meta potentially moving in down the track?

 

[BonzaiBlitz]

Thanks for the feedback.

I'm wondering what the AIM was in having you meet your metamour? Was it just an exercise in getting to know each other for politeness or curiosity's sake? Do you/your wife/meta hope to... what?

- Meet/eyeball each other occasionally for the sake of exchanging information pertinent to the group?
- Be on friendly terms in order to feel less awkward in the event of future social encounters, or be less of a mystery to each other?
- Become actual friends?
- Develop a close bond with a view to meta potentially moving in down the track?

According to Bloom, a combination of a couple of these.
Her overall goal is to be as OUT regarding polyamory as possible, e.g. to be able to walk into a regular (non-poly-support group) party and introduce her husband and boyfriend to the hosts like it's no big deal.
She also recognized that he and I have similar interests, and so is hoping the two of us can connect there, reducing overall awkwardness in the short term and maybe building a friendship for the long term.


Some additional pertinent information:
Prior to our opening up last January, I was the ONLY romantic/sexual relationship she'd ever had.
We met a few months after she turned 18, and have been together ever since, dating for nearly three years before getting married in 2009.
She also has PCOS/endometriosis, which her birth control makes manageable while making her sex drive inconsistent at best.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I'm a big fan of "Home as Sanctuary." I believe that everyone has the right to feel safe and comfortable in their home, and that agreeing to live with someone means respecting this right by not bringing people over who make your housemates uncomfortable, or not keeping them there so long that they become uncomfortable. One can always find free, neutral territory to meet up. Walking is a great activity since it doesn't require any purchased equipment, it's always accessible, and it gives people plenty of time to talk and be emotionally intimate. Not to mention the health benefits!

I'm also in introvert and homebody, and I've gotten pretty good at just owning that. So I have no qualms telling my house guests: "Hey, I hate to be rude, but I'm feeling peopled-out. I'm sorry to kick you out, but I need to have my space back. I hope you aren't offended." I've never had a single person be offended by this. And if they were? They'd never be invited back, and I'd seriously question whether I even wanted them for a friend.

Another tactic is to set a specific arrival and departure time, so that everyone knows what's coming. If you're all still having fun when that times? That just means you'll be that much more excited to see them next time. If you stop having fun before that time comes? At least you know how much longer you have to endure it.

NOT that I'm suggesting you think of your wife as a chattel, but being faced with the reality of one's SO's connection with somebody else for the first time can be emotionally challenging for many new-to-poly people, especially if that first meeting takes place on home ground instead of neutral territory, I imagine.

Oh hell, it can be emotionally challenging for anyone, no matter how long you've been poly. My husband just started his first ongoing relationship ever, he's always just been into play parties and one-nighters. So 11 years in, I'm still finding challenges to overcome being poly.

Insecurity is soooo normal, and not something to beat yourself up for at all. I love the explanation I received for it, makes so much sense. Humans have a need for "status" that's programmed deep in our DNA. In tribal times, losing status could result in rejection from your social group, and ultimately Death since humans don't tend to last very long on their own in the wild. Fast forward 30,000 years, and "losing status" is still a very scary thing for people.

I suspect this loss of status is more the root of most people's insecurity, rather than fear of losing the person or losing privileges of the relationship. I think it's the fear that their partner may think less of them, or that society might think less of them. And we really demonise the characteristic of wanting or seeking status. Which is fair because most people who seek status do it at the expense of others.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi BonzaiBlitz,

I think you are experiencing normal insecurities for someone who's still starting out on poly ... in fact, even seasoned polyamorists often have such insecurities. I would say don't beat yourself about it, time and familiarity will help things gradually get easier.

I want to also say that when all three people in my V are together, there are no PDA's beyond a (usually three-person) hug or the rare peck on the cheek. If we did more PDA's, it would probably feel awkward. And I get the impression that Bloom wants to be able to do lots of PDA's with your meta when you're around, so your situation is different. I just mean that it's perfectly understandable for you to struggle with seeing those PDA's.

You aren't doing anything wrong, you are just witnessing the powerful effects of NRE. Those will cool down after awhile, and like I said, time and familiarity will also help.

Don't hesitate to turn again to this forum if you need some more help.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[dragonette]

Your concerns sound normal and reasonable to me. Maybe meet on neutral ground next time.

Also, I think it's reasonable to tell your partner, "I'm not comfortable right now with seeing you do PDA with your other partner. I'm happy to spend more time with the two of you, but I need you not to do" whatever is bothering you (spell it out -- any touch at all? kissing? fondling?).

If the three of you end up hanging out a lot, you might need to revisit that agreement and try to get comfortable with seeing them be affectionate...but for this stage it seems like a reasonable thing to expect.