Again, I am going to edit a bit to make sure I understand your thoughts and wishes and plans, OK?
I am bi curious? Not exactly sure how much at this point. More tertiary bi.
I am bisexual, but I have never heard the term "tertiary bi." What do you mean by that? Is there any spark of mutual attraction between the 2 women, or are you going to sort of force yourself to have sex with her to fulfill a fantasy of your boyfriend's?
1 out of town [trip], we travel to [her] or she comes and stays the night.
So, there is one meeting with her per week right now? And when you travel, you and your fiance both go together to see her at her mother's?
What happens when she spends the night now? Who sleeps where?
The other main [thing] is, we are working through all the logistics currently. She is getting used to the poly family we desire. This is why I am doing all I can to help the transition. She had numerous misconceptions, and he and I have spent about 4 months getting things worked thru.
Yes it is his desire to share [one] bed. I am fine with this.
And you are doing everything you can to convince her to do this.
We have already started "breaking in" our friends. Mostly they look uncomfortable or jealous that we are making things work!
I have no problems giving time or space as needed for intimate times, but it truly is his desire to have us all share everything.
We can speak frankly here. I think you are implying, your fiance is determined to have threeway sex with both of you. You are bi-curious and willing to try. Is gf also bisexual or bi-curious? If you are all on the same page, I see no problem, as long as it is something both women really want, and you're not just doing it to please bf. But maybe this should be tried before the gf has torn up her roots, to move in with you two, with her children and all?
Is there any spark of mutual attraction between you and the other woman, or are you both planning to "share the bed" all night every night, including sharing sex, merely to please the bf? Or maybe you think there won't be touching between the women, but you both just focusing on the man?
If it's awkward and unfulfilling for you to have sex with another woman, even if there is no lesbianic touching between you, things could get very uncomfortable. In my opinion, doing it just to please the man is not a great idea. Everyone's needs and desires and feelings need to be taken into account.
What is Plan B, if sharing threeway sex and sharing sleep every night doesn't work out? Is the plan of separate bedrooms for each woman an option?
You could sleep in the guest room when you are hugely pregnant and uncomfortable in bed, and later after the baby comes. There will be times you will not be interested in having sex, or in watching them have sex, or in sitting up in the living room until they are done having sex, etc. In fact, for the first 6 weeks after the birth, while she is recovering, a new mother is not supposed to have sex. You've already had 4 kids. You know this. By the way, if you already have had 2 kids who are over 18, this pregnancy must be coming to you in your 40s? It is more taxing to have a baby at this age.
Alternatively, even without the baby in the equation, there will be times either gf or bf are not in the mood for sex. Someone may be tired, or ill, or in a bad mood, or distracted by other things (work, issues with the older kids, etc.), mad at one or the other of the partners, or just not feeling horny. The option of sleeping elsewhere should be on the table.
There are 3 dyads here, not just a triad.
You + bf
Gf + bf
You + gf
Plus bf has yet another gf.
All dyads need care and nurturing. This takes time. And one on one time. Sometimes a couple needs privacy.
He is beyond ecstatic about our child and already claiming night duty!!
So you do not plan to breastfeed? He will do all feedings at night and still get to work OK? Maybe there can be a bed in the nursery for whoever is doing "night duty," be it you, the husband or maybe even the gf?
Yes he works, I work, and so do both others.
Are you going back to work as soon after the birth as possible? If gf moves the 2+ hours to start living with you, she will need to look for work. Her kids will have to get used to new schools, new friends.
Your fiance is a very busy man. It's funny how most polyamorous men here say they have a hard time finding more than one woman to be with, and your bf has 3.
Speaking of his 3 gfs, he still has that third woman to maintain a relationship with... So he won't even be home every night to share a bed with his 2 "sister wives."
Just coordinating, which I have been assisting with! It truly is a sister wife scenario. If she can't handle things, then we have already talked thru this as well. If it is meant to be, it will work itself out. If she keeps feeling uncomfortable then things will terminate.
Things will terminate! That means if this gf can't handle living with her bf and his wife, sharing sex with him and wife (if she is not bisexual "enough," or kinky "enough"), sharing a bed every night, sharing parenting a newborn not her own, your bf will break up with her, and she will have to haul herself and her kids back to her mother's house?
What if
you can't "handle things"? What if she likes the 3 in the bed thing, but you don't? Will your fiance/bf/husband be displeased with you? Will things with
you be terminated? It seems you and bf were together before, and broke up before. What if that happens again, and now with a newborn baby in the mix? Where would you go?
Or is there some other solution, such as I keep suggesting, not having a triad where all three are sexually and romantically involved, but a V arrangement, where the man is sexual and romantic with both women, but the women are just friends? Would bf be OK with that? Or is he really invested in the threeway sex thing? It sounds like he is:
Those are his desires: to be able to have his SOs cohabitate, and everyone raise our family. Ideally a triad where most things are done together, go out to eat, etc., together.
And sleep together...
That is a nice fantasy. It is the most common sexual fantasy of the male. Both you women seem to be bending over backwards to make your bf's dream a reality.
Anyone who can't handle [this] doesn't have space in our schedule.
Are you referring to other (platonic) friends, or to the other girlfriend, who will be "terminated" if she doesn't live up to the ideal of constant togetherness?
The reason I am spending time with her and trying to explain and assist is simple: I love him, I want his happiness [and] her happiness.
And I suppose you will do anything to assure their happiness, and their happiness will be your own. All you desire is to serve your bf. It sounds like a Mormon sister wife scenario, or perhaps a Dom/sub thing?
I have compersion. [I am] an empath, so when things are not going well it affects me. I want what he wants. [Also], I understand I don't [ful]fill every aspect of him. And will do everything in my power to help us achieve our goals of one big poly family.
And yes she has gotten me annoyed, due to her own lack of researching and paying attention while he has explained these things to her.
You have said you have ADHD. Do both women have a hard time paying attention sometimes? Do you have trouble coordinating
your thoughts?
Her answers have mainly been "me" issues, not "we" [issues].
I think that is understandable and practical of her! She is being required to lay a lot on the line. Her life, her children's lives. She is being asked to take a huge leap of faith, to throw in with her bf with his threeway desires. You are a stranger to her, and it sounds like she is undergoing a lot of pressure from the two of you to conform to a very specific lifestyle. You claim to be empathic, but I don't think you feel her fears.
And that has been frustrating as well. She shows a different side to him than me.
What are the two "sides" she shows? Is it so surprising she tells each of you different things? The guy is her lover. For all she knew, a couple weeks ago, she was his primary and you were some "side chick." She is probably still in shock.
I want to add to everyone, not be a thorn in their side.
But you
are a thorn in her side, pressuring her to enter into a triad when that was not her expectation for what she had going on with her bf.
I want everyone's happiness: a happy polycule that works.
If this "polycule" of a triad doesn't work, what is plan B? (Separate bedrooms and no shared bed/sex? A V, not a triad?) Plan C? (Termination of her?) Plan D? (Termination of you?)
