Primaries vs. secondaries

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think interconnected groups like yours often struggle because there are so many more relationships to maintain. Each individual dyad plus the group as a whole plus add the trios. It's a lot for some people. My guess is that formation doesn't really affect stability too much once everything is established. No evidence, just a guess. A relationship of any sort is more likely to last once it's got a solid foundation.

 

[Marcus]

Of course, I prefer sharing personally. I was just asking why other poly people prefer sharing, especially in a V. Isn't that just one easy step away from mono? Maybe that's just the first step into poly

I have relationships with individuals. Those individuals may or may not have various relationships with other people. It's got nothing to do with me. I'm not sharing them, because I have no claim over them to begin with.

I'm not polyamorous because I have some built in need for multiple romantic partners, nor because I get some kind of kink out of a romantic partner having other romantic interests. I default to non-monogamy, and polyamory, because I reserve the right to have whatever relationships with whomever I care to. Since I hold no claim over anyone, I also respect their choice to have (or not) whatever other relationships they choose. Technically that's polyamory, I think.

 

[rosephase]

Glicerio Morin

They seem to have more issues than mono relationships (obviously, more people, more possible conflicts/jealousy/etc).

ehhh...

If I was trying to be mono my relationship would have a lot more issues because it simply wouldn't work for me. I don't think it's fair to say that Vs have more issue then monogamy. Monogamy is perfectly capable of being super complex and full of conflicts and jealousy. And non-monos are capable of the opposite. I don't think it's fair to make a blanket statement that mono relationships have less issues. Some of the most painful, destructive and abusive relationships I have ever witnessed were fully mono.

 

[JackieJ]

I appreciate all the comments, thank you, especially for the constructive criticism of polygons. The outside perspective helps us understand our own situation better.

 

[JackieJ]

Does having multiple separate lovers count as polyamory? Like maybe a spouse and/or multiple mistresses/concubines/boy toys that may or may not know about each other?

That is polyamory, many loves, right? Or is that outside the original, idealistic spirit of group relationships that I am imagining?

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Does having multiple separate lovers count as polyamory? Like maybe a spouse and/or multiple mistresses/concubines/boy toys that may or may not know about each other?

That is polyamory, many loves, right? Or is that outside the original, idealistic spirit of group relationships that I am imagining?

That would be nonmonogamy but not ethical, so not considered polyamory by most. Poly relationships operate under the umbrella of ethical nonmonogamy which requires honesty and consent.

 

[Emm]

Does having multiple separate lovers count as polyamory?

Yes, so long as there's love involved and they all agreed to participate in that kind of relationship.

Perhaps you'll find the discussion in this thread from a couple of years ago relevant.

 

[Nettle]

Idealising this kind of group relationship sounds super toxic to me. I'm very ok with my parter having feelings for someone and having sex with them. And I might even like them too, but to be expected to fall in love with them and have sex with them sounds very... rapey. Learning to be bisexual and learning to love someone just to make life more stable and equal? Not my idea of equal.

If it happens naturally, nice. If it is expected and made into a common goal like you seem to suggest, oh no no no.

 

[Marcus]

Does having multiple separate lovers count as polyamory? Like maybe a spouse and/or multiple mistresses/concubines/boy toys that may or may not know about each other?

That is polyamory, many loves, right? Or is that outside the original, idealistic spirit of group relationships that I am imagining?

You're kind of smushing a couple of distinct conversations into one.

Having multiple loves, or at least being open to have many loves, counts as polyamory. There are folks here who LOVE debating the definition of polyamory. Personally, I find it to be an exercise in semantics that doesn't actually get us anywhere.

Loves not knowing about one another would probably be polyamory, but it wouldn't be ethical, as AlwaysGrowing and Emm pointed out.

The whole group relationship thing that you've got going on would fall under the umbrella of polyamory. The non-hierarchical, independent, "formless" method of relating I prefer is also polyamory. While our approaches to relating couldn't be much further apart, the one thing they do have in common (multiple loves), puts both of our views more or less into a category like polyamory.

 

[MeeraReed]

I admire the effort everyone is putting in to answer these very basic questions (that the OP could learn the answer to by spending some time reading the forum before posting so much), but, please keep in mind, there is almost definitely no actual person who is having a sexual relationship with her twin sister and her big sister/stepmother-in-law.

(Does the husband's father live with them all, too?!)

I expect we will hear a lot of little stories about this arrangement from "Jackie." Take it with a grain of salt before spending time writing thoughtful replies.

 

[Magdlyn]

I admire the effort everyone is putting in to answer these very basic questions (that the OP could learn the answer to by spending some time reading the forum before posting so much), but, please keep in mind, there is almost definitely no actual person who is having a sexual relationship with her twin sister and her big sister/stepmother-in-law.

(Does the husband's father live with them all, too?!)

No, Jackie said elsewhere he's been dead a good while...

I expect we will hear a lot of little stories about this arrangement from "Jackie." Take it with a grain of salt before spending time writing thoughtful replies.

Mmhm...

 

[mostlymonogamish]

Please keep in mind, there is almost definitely no actual person who is having a sexual relationship with her twin sister and her big sister/stepmother-in-law.

I expect we will hear a lot of little stories about this arrangement from "Jackie." Take it with a grain of salt before spending time writing thoughtful replies.

MeeraReed, I suspect that our individual BS meters are similarly calibrated.