Wife says it's OK to date - how to get started?

[TheExplorer]

Hello All,

My wife currently lives in Taiwan and I'm planning on moving back in a few weeks. But many things hit me all at once that are causing me to feel depressed. I've been in this state of mind for 4 months. I realized that lack of family and close friends near me and lack of work colleagues are major reasons. My wife realizing she wants to live back in Taiwan means we have lived separately most of the time over the past 2 years as she spent most of her time there. She has spent much of this time with her on again / off again girlfriend.

One thing that constantly bites at me is this nagging thought that we never had children. I always wanted to but somehow fertility issues happened on both sides during our marriage, then about 15 years into our marriage my wife became firm that she didn't want kids. Prior to that she always seemed on the fence. Add to this now she is coming out and finds herself only attracted to women outside of our relationship.

So how to go forward? My wife supports me having children in the future but most likely this means getting divorced if it gets to that point. The thought of getting divorced with someone who I deeply care about pains me tremendously, even though we've discussed many times we still consider each other best friends.

I'm thinking this is what I need to do in order:
1) Keep in touch with my wife - should this be with or without sexual contact? Right now I feel a lot of pain, plus my wife doesn't like the idea of a "messy" relationship. I'm thinking better without the sexual contact.
2) Build social and business relationship circles
3) Keep up with my business but try other things that might interest me like teaching and acting.
4) Casually date to start once depression has lifted
5) See where things go?

I have hear stories where people find out their spouses are gay but somehow still maintain good relationships in some fashion. For example the wife finds her own girlfriend, husband finds another woman and gets married, and they all get together for holidays and special occasions.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I have hear stories where people find out their spouses are gay but somehow still maintain good relationships in some fashion. For example the wife finds her own girlfriend, husband finds another woman and gets married, and they all get together for holidays and special occasions.

It seems to be easier to take if there's a good reason like "I'm gay," but nobody needs to be gay in order to create an inclusive exes type of family. I have this with my (soon to be ex) husband. It's kinda poly-lite to me, since there's lots of affection involved but no current sex between me and my husband. I am not gay, but I left our marriage for mostly sexuality reasons. The key for us was to take it slow and to give each other lots of space and respectfully allow each other our feelings.

What is your depression all about?

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello All,

Hi Explorer, I remember you posting before.

My wife currently lives in Taiwan and I'm planning on moving back in a few weeks. But many things hit me all at once that are causing me to feel depressed. I've been in this state of mind for 4 months. I realized that lack of family and close friends near me and lack of work colleagues are major reasons. My wife realizing she wants to live back in Taiwan means we have lived separately most of the time over the past 2 years as she spent most of her time there. She has spent much of this time with her on again / off again girlfriend.

You have a lot of issues going on, let's break them down.

You want to be with your wife in Taiwan but you have no friends there. You've visited or lived there before but never made any friends? Why is that? Do you even like Taiwan? Living there just to be near your wife, with no business opportunities or friends does not sound fun. Especially if she's often busy with her gf.

One thing that constantly bites at me is this nagging thought that we never had children. I always wanted to but somehow fertility issues happened on both sides during our marriage, then about 15 years into our marriage my wife became firm that she didn't want kids. Prior to that she always seemed on the fence. Add to this now she is coming out and finds herself only attracted to women outside of our relationship.

So how to go forward? My wife supports me having children in the future but most likely this means getting divorced if it gets to that point. The thought of getting divorced with someone who I deeply care about pains me tremendously. Even though we've discussed it many times, we still consider each other best friends.

You're afraid of change. Your former sex partner has come out as lesbian. She was lukewarm about having children even when you were still having sex. Now you're not having sex. Seems to me it would be a good idea to divorce your "best friend" and start seeking someone who wants kids! Especially if you have fertility issues yourself. The biological clock is ticking.

She's lesbian, you're not having sex.
You want kids, you need a woman who will have sex with you. That's how you make babies.
You fear losing your current wife as a best friend if you divorce her.
You're already in an unusual marriage since you don't always live together and go long stretches in separate countries.

I think you can keep your wife as a best friend, and still free yourself up to date women who are attracted to you, and have long-term potential as partners, and want to have kids! And then your wife will also be free to express herself more fully as lesbian (maybe even get married herself). Being a lesbian married to a man is an unnatural state.

I'm thinking this is what I need to do in order:
1) Keep in touch with my wife - should this be with or without sexual contact? Right now I feel a lot of pain, plus my wife doesn't like the idea of a "messy" relationship. I'm thinking better without the sexual contact.

Of course. She is no longer attracted to men, so having sex would entail force or her lying there and just taking your cock without enjoying it. How is that a good thing? Yuck.

2) Build social and business relationship circles

We all need friends. Does your depression over a marriage that has basically died keep you from healthily socialising?

3) Keep up with my business but try other things that might interest me like teaching and acting.
4) Casually start to date once depression has lifted

That sounds healthy. The dating could be casual or serious. You do want children so casually dating won't produce this outcome. But of course you can start that way, since you've been out of the dating pool for... 15 years?

We all need hobbies and activities we enjoy. Do you never go out and do activities you enjoy? That is how you make friends and meet women.

5) See where things go?

That sounds passive. Seeing where things go doesn't include your power to make changes that are positive and healthy for you. You need to actively set goals, follow through, and create change.

I have heard stories where people find out their spouses are gay but somehow still maintain good relationships in some fashion. For example the wife finds her own girlfriend, husband finds another woman and gets married, and they all get together for holidays and special occasions.

Some exes do go on to be friends, whether there is a sexuality mismatch or not. If you and your current wife want this, you can manifest it, as long as your new partner trusts you to be truly just friends and not something more. However, as you make more friends and date, you may feel yourself less enmeshed with your ex wife, and won't feel so dependent on her attentions.

Of course, many people who are exes stay friendly so that their children can have holidays with both mom and dad. You won't have that motivation. If you find a new partner, and have kids with her, her friends and family will also come into the equation.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi TheExplorer,

I am wondering, what are the chances of getting an amicable divorce? It sounds like you and your wife are capable of maintaining a friendship, even though you're poorly-matched as a married couple. I don't mean that in a pejorative way, I just mean that you and your wife would probably be better off if you were married to different people. You could still be friends, of course.

You mentioned that your wife is in Taiwan right now ... can I ask, where are you at this time? Do you live close to family and close friends? Doing so might help with your depression.

I hope you get feeling better soon.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[TheExplorer]

Thanks all for asking questions...it makes it easier to elaborate.

It seems to be easier to take if there's a good reason like "I'm gay," but nobody needs to be gay in order to create an inclusive exes type of family. I have this with my (soon to be ex) husband. It's kinda poly-lite to me, since there's lots of affection involved but no current sex between me and my husband. I am not gay, but I left our marriage for mostly sexuality reasons. The key for us was to take it slow and to give each other lots of space and respectfully allow each other our feelings.

What is your depression all about?

Came up with a list of what got me into the depression:
1) Since my wife went back to Taiwan I'm living alone in Hawaii. I neglected building social circles while we were together. So feeling lonely
2) I work out of my house so don't have colleagues during the day. Been doing for many years and can break the cycle by working in an office of one of the companies I work with.
3) We can't sell our house because the board here has been dragging its feet on plumbing renovation projects, which means uncertainty about how long the noise and mess is going to last.
4) Lack of sex / intimacy and the realization this will take time.

@FallenAngelina it seems we have a similar relationship dynamic - with my separated wife we have lots of affection but no sex.

 

[TheExplorer]

Hi Explorer, I remember you posting before.


You want to be with your wife in Taiwan but you have no friends there. You've visited or lived there before but never made any friends? Why is that? Do you even like Taiwan? Living there just to be near your wife, with no business opportunities or friends does not sound fun. Especially if she's often busy with her gf.

Ooops not exactly. I've lived in Taipei Taiwan on and off for 20 years. Two of my closest friends work in Taipei. Plus all of my business is over there. I'm alone in Hawaii calling my Taiwanese business associates on the phone.

You're afraid of change. Your former sex partner has come out as lesbian. She was lukewarm about having children even when you were still having sex. Now you're not having sex. Seems to me it would be a good idea to divorce your "best friend" and start seeking someone who wants kids! Especially if you have fertility issues yourself. The biological clock is ticking.

She's lesbian, you're not having sex.
You want kids, you need a woman who will have sex with you. That's how you make babies.
You fear losing your current wife as a best friend if you divorce her.
You're already in an unusual marriage since you don't always live together and go long stretches in separate countries.

I think you can keep your wife as a best friend, and still free yourself up to date women who are attracted to you, and have long-term potential as partners, and want to have kids! And then your wife will also be free to express herself more fully as lesbian (maybe even get married herself). Being a lesbian married to a man is an unnatural state.

Yes fear of change made me want to just stick it out in Hawaii. But I realized I just simply fare better in Taiwan due to having much more social interaction.

We all need friends. Does your depression over a marriage that has basically died keep you from healthily socialising?

Most of the problem is knowing I'll move in a few weeks, it's not exactly the best time to make new friends. So it's put me into a bit of a funk.

That sounds healthy. The dating could be casual or serious. You do want children so casually dating won't produce this outcome. But of course you can start that way, since you've been out of the dating pool for... 15 years?

We all need hobbies and activities we enjoy. Do you never go out and do activities you enjoy? That is how you make friends and meet women.

Children at some point...a bit early now.

Yes been out of the dating pool for 20 years actually . And I do enjoy salsa, hip hop, and Zouk dancing very much. Fortunately there are many places for this in Taipei!

That sounds passive. Seeing where things go doesn't include your power to make changes that are positive and healthy for you. You need to actively set goals, follow through, and create change.


Some exes do go on to be friends, whether there is a sexuality mismatch or not. If you and your current wife want this, you can manifest it, as long as your new partner trusts you to be truly just friends and not something more. However, as you make more friends and date, you may feel yourself less enmeshed with your ex wife, and won't feel so dependent on her attentions.

Of course, many people who are exes stay friendly so that their children can have holidays with both mom and dad. You won't have that motivation. If you find a new partner, and have kids with her, her friends and family will also come into the equation.

I said see where things go because it's hard to see that far into the future. Not quite sure what else to think...

 

[TheExplorer]

Hi TheExplorer,

I am wondering, what are the chances of getting an amicable divorce? It sounds like you and your wife are capable of maintaining a friendship, even though you're poorly-matched as a married couple. I don't mean that in a pejorative way, I just mean that you and your wife would probably be better off if you were married to different people. You could still be friends, of course.

You mentioned that your wife is in Taiwan right now ... can I ask, where are you at this time? Do you live close to family and close friends? Doing so might help with your depression.

I hope you get feeling better soon.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for your insightful questions. Amicable divorce is a good possibility, but not so soon due to our house situation. I am in Hawaii right now and have a few friends here but it's not an easy situation since I'll be moving soon

 

[Magdlyn]

OK, it's much clearer now. I guess you and your wife bought the house in Hawaii earlier in your relationship, but she is from Taiwan and prefers living there... and now that you've spent so much time there, you prefer it too. You have more friends there than in Hawaii, and you have business contacts there.

I'm sorry your house needs repairs before you can get it on the market. I hope things move along soon, so you can sell and settle in in Taiwan.

You'll need your own house or apartment in Taiwan.

You'll be starting amicable divorce proceedings (?).

You'll work in an office for more social contact.

You'll go out dancing as a single man and maybe meet some nice people for friends or romance. Or at least some quick sex!

This is changing from a polyamorous problem (married MF couple, wife is bi, has gf), to a different problem (married MF couple, wife came out as lesbian, husband wants kids, wife doesn't).

I heartily wish you luck with all the changes you are going through! I can see how it's hard to deal with emotionally. Life is full of changes and sometimes it's very hard to accept that. If your depression is making it so you can't act, I'd recommend therapy, and maybe the dr would recommend an antidepressant, at least for this time of upheaval.

 

[dragonette]

It sounds like you have two separate problems.

The short term problem is being stuck in Hawaii...can't make any real progress on anything because you expect to move soon. So maybe try some very casual dating to get your feet wet, keep dancing, and see what you can do to fix the logistical problem. Can you hire someone to oversee the stuff that needs to happen before the house can be sold?

The long term problem is the incompatibility in your marriage. It does sound like an amicable divorce will make sense. It sounds like you may not especially want or need a polyamorous partner -- it's only your wife who has been with others -- and even some potential poly partners might be put off by the fact that you are married. So I think it probably makes sense to divorce -- staying as close friends as you both like -- so you can increase the number of potential partners you have and hopefully find someone to have children with.

Hang in there, and good luck!

 

[TheExplorer]

Thanks all for your suggestions. We're both renting out our property until this renovation madness is completed. And as far as the anti-depressants, I've done my best to stay off of them completely. I've heard so many scary things about them from people who have tried them.

The tricky part is how to communicate my situation to others...it seems the key is to take any new relationship very slowly then?

 

[kdt26417]

Taking new relationships slowly is almost always a good idea, especially where poly is involved.

Just curious, how long do you think it will take for your house to be ready to sell? Do you have to remain in Hawaii until it sells? I mean if you're going to be in Hawaii for awhile, maybe it does make sense to make some friends while you're there? It depends on how long you're going to be there.

 

[TheExplorer]

Taking new relationships slowly is almost always a good idea, especially where poly is involved.

Just curious, how long do you think it will take for your house to be ready to sell? Do you have to remain in Hawaii until it sells? I mean if you're going to be in Hawaii for awhile, maybe it does make sense to make some friends while you're there? It depends on how long you're going to be there.

We can rent easily in Hawaii. It will be about two years or so until the house is ready to sell. Preparing to move to Taiwan around the end of this month. I'd rather get on with my life that go through all of the effort to make friends and then moving so shortly thereafter.

 

[kdt26417]

That makes sense, that way the house isn't tying you down and you can focus on your move to Taiwan.

 

[TheExplorer]

One of the things that makes things a bit complicated is my wife and I still love each other very much...I am so confused and it's dragging me further into depression. She even made it clear to me it's OK if I go outside the marriage for sex. She dated another woman but this woman wants full ownership over her so it didn't work. Even if my wife and I don't have sex together, we have always been very affectionate, constantly holding hands when we walk together and frequently hugging.

How does one get through this? It all seems so overwhelming...

 

[kdt26417]

You of course do not have to divorce ... you have to figure out what works best for the both of you. There's also the option of divorcing, but retaining the PDA's. Like you're still very close friends. Something perhaps to discuss with her.

 

[TheExplorer]

Yeah you're right kdt26417, it just seems so overwhelming because I'm relocating to Taiwan while having these relationship challenges. I have a sense when I get to Taiwan my wife and I will regroup for a bit.

 

[kdt26417]

That makes sense.
I can see how things are overwhelming at this time.