Open relationship gone horribly wrong.
- Thread starter dmkentt
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PinkPig
Well-known member
Trying to control people never works...they do what they want anyway and you just end up looking like a controlling asshole...as you've found.
Your gf definitely has wonky boundaries (engaging in sexual behavior that she really doesn't want to engage in and repeatedly putting herself in bad situations.) But, if that's how she chooses to live, then that is her choice. If she really wanted to change those behaviors, then she would do the work necessary to change them...or get the help she needs to change. It sounds to me like she's just telling you what you want to hear.
A better approach to trying to control others is to establish and maintain your own boundaries. If her sexual practices don't mesh with your boundaries for safer sex then rather than try to force her to agree to something she doesn't want to agree to, you could just maintain your boundaries. Always use condoms and barriers with your gf or stop having sex with her and find partners whose sexual practices mesh with yours. If you don't want your partner to engage in casual sex with others, then choose partners who don't wish to engage in casual sex.
I think you could start listening to yourself:
No matter how much we love or want someone, if we aren't compatible as romantic and sexual partners, then no amount of force will fix the situation. Trying to force something that isn't working just causes more pain and strife (like trying to force yourself into a size 6 shoe when you wear an 8, just because you love the shoe...it will be painful and will never fit.) The least painful, most peaceful solution in those situations is to accept the incompatibility and let the relationship go and move on.
You may also want to do some internal work to figure out why you stayed so long in a relationship that wasn't healthy for you. What is it about the situation that attracted you? We don't end up in wonky relationships by accident...the universe has a way of giving us that which we are seeking. The key is figuring out why we were attracted to the chaos and what changes we need to make in ourselves to enable us to desire and attract more peaceful, healthy situations and relationships.
Your gf definitely has wonky boundaries (engaging in sexual behavior that she really doesn't want to engage in and repeatedly putting herself in bad situations.) But, if that's how she chooses to live, then that is her choice. If she really wanted to change those behaviors, then she would do the work necessary to change them...or get the help she needs to change. It sounds to me like she's just telling you what you want to hear.
A better approach to trying to control others is to establish and maintain your own boundaries. If her sexual practices don't mesh with your boundaries for safer sex then rather than try to force her to agree to something she doesn't want to agree to, you could just maintain your boundaries. Always use condoms and barriers with your gf or stop having sex with her and find partners whose sexual practices mesh with yours. If you don't want your partner to engage in casual sex with others, then choose partners who don't wish to engage in casual sex.
I think you could start listening to yourself:
No matter how much we love or want someone, if we aren't compatible as romantic and sexual partners, then no amount of force will fix the situation. Trying to force something that isn't working just causes more pain and strife (like trying to force yourself into a size 6 shoe when you wear an 8, just because you love the shoe...it will be painful and will never fit.) The least painful, most peaceful solution in those situations is to accept the incompatibility and let the relationship go and move on.
You may also want to do some internal work to figure out why you stayed so long in a relationship that wasn't healthy for you. What is it about the situation that attracted you? We don't end up in wonky relationships by accident...the universe has a way of giving us that which we are seeking. The key is figuring out why we were attracted to the chaos and what changes we need to make in ourselves to enable us to desire and attract more peaceful, healthy situations and relationships.
I am sorry you struggle.
I mean this kindly ok? It may not be what you want to hear.
Why battle? Relationships don't have to be this hard. You two do not sound compatible. Stop trying to square peg round hole. Accept you two are not a good fit together.
You could just as easily have written "Because, come on. If I cannot limit myself from being around her when I know she will break commitments, is there really a relationship here?"
I think you wish there was a relationship here. But there just isn't. It's mostly her telling you whatever you want to hear in the moment, so she gets whatever it is she wants in the moment.
If hanging around this woman puts you in a bad mental state? You could stop hanging around with her so your mental state has opportunity to change to something better.
If the thing is messed up, why keep going?
Just reading all that up and down stuff was giving me a headache. I can only imagine how hard it has been for you to live through. So much drama, so much STUFF. Where is the pleasure in all this upheaval?
Maybe it is "exciting" for her. There is a personality type that wants to be the "star" in their own "soap opera show." Perhaps she's that type. Always looking for the next "thrill" thing. Maybe she likes being the "damsel in distress." Who knows. I would leave all that to her therapist.
What you could ask you is what joy you get in this? To me it sounds like you get a lot of misery and upset. So... why not stop? And not do this any more so you can eventually feel better?
I don't think it is the fault of Open relationships.
I think this GF might be someone who doesn't keep her word and behaves on impulse a lot. She cheated on her ex bf with indiboy. Is that also the fault of Open? When does it become HER taking responsibility for her actions and how they might affect or ding other people?
I might be wrong but to me? It sounds like your GF has issues. I am glad she's seeing a therapist... but if you are basically dating a person that you cannot really trust to have any sense, cannot trust to keep her word/agreements, and cannot trust to practice basic personal safety measures?
You cannot be surprised when new drama stuff happens later.
If you don't want to be riding the never ending drama merry-go-round and clocking stress and worry? You do not ask her to change her ride again. You have asked to no avail. She does not change her ways. Instead? You could stop buying a ticket to her ride. You could decide to get OFF the merry-go-round. You decide not to take any more spins. Then whether she changes her ways or not? It doesn't matter. You don't get dinged any more.
Good. Could stop dating her.
That is part of the grief process. Maybe you know you need to part ways... but are not at final acceptance or are not quite ready. You are mourning. That's ok. Mourn what you have to mourn. But you cannot stay like this forever.
Could stop dating and try to be friends if that is possible. If the drama still keeps on happening -- just now under the guise of "friendship" -- you may have to stop contact entirely if you wish to be drama free.
You have to let this go and say "Look, I care about you a lot. I love you a lot. But not even for you will I stay in things that hurt me. This causes me a lot of emotional and mental upset. This hurts me. I don't want to be living like that. "
That doesn't make you an asshole. That makes you someone who doesn't want to deal in a lot of up and down drama stuff or stress. Your life belongs to you. YOU decide who you let into your and your kid's life or not.
This doesn't sound healthy. I hope you get out of it.
Galagirl
I mean this kindly ok? It may not be what you want to hear.
Why battle? Relationships don't have to be this hard. You two do not sound compatible. Stop trying to square peg round hole. Accept you two are not a good fit together.
You could just as easily have written "Because, come on. If I cannot limit myself from being around her when I know she will break commitments, is there really a relationship here?"
I think you wish there was a relationship here. But there just isn't. It's mostly her telling you whatever you want to hear in the moment, so she gets whatever it is she wants in the moment.
If hanging around this woman puts you in a bad mental state? You could stop hanging around with her so your mental state has opportunity to change to something better.
If the thing is messed up, why keep going?
Just reading all that up and down stuff was giving me a headache. I can only imagine how hard it has been for you to live through. So much drama, so much STUFF. Where is the pleasure in all this upheaval?
Maybe it is "exciting" for her. There is a personality type that wants to be the "star" in their own "soap opera show." Perhaps she's that type. Always looking for the next "thrill" thing. Maybe she likes being the "damsel in distress." Who knows. I would leave all that to her therapist.
What you could ask you is what joy you get in this? To me it sounds like you get a lot of misery and upset. So... why not stop? And not do this any more so you can eventually feel better?
I don't think it is the fault of Open relationships.
I think this GF might be someone who doesn't keep her word and behaves on impulse a lot. She cheated on her ex bf with indiboy. Is that also the fault of Open? When does it become HER taking responsibility for her actions and how they might affect or ding other people?
I might be wrong but to me? It sounds like your GF has issues. I am glad she's seeing a therapist... but if you are basically dating a person that you cannot really trust to have any sense, cannot trust to keep her word/agreements, and cannot trust to practice basic personal safety measures?
You cannot be surprised when new drama stuff happens later.
If you don't want to be riding the never ending drama merry-go-round and clocking stress and worry? You do not ask her to change her ride again. You have asked to no avail. She does not change her ways. Instead? You could stop buying a ticket to her ride. You could decide to get OFF the merry-go-round. You decide not to take any more spins. Then whether she changes her ways or not? It doesn't matter. You don't get dinged any more.
Good. Could stop dating her.
That is part of the grief process. Maybe you know you need to part ways... but are not at final acceptance or are not quite ready. You are mourning. That's ok. Mourn what you have to mourn. But you cannot stay like this forever.
Could stop dating and try to be friends if that is possible. If the drama still keeps on happening -- just now under the guise of "friendship" -- you may have to stop contact entirely if you wish to be drama free.
You have to let this go and say "Look, I care about you a lot. I love you a lot. But not even for you will I stay in things that hurt me. This causes me a lot of emotional and mental upset. This hurts me. I don't want to be living like that. "
That doesn't make you an asshole. That makes you someone who doesn't want to deal in a lot of up and down drama stuff or stress. Your life belongs to you. YOU decide who you let into your and your kid's life or not.
This doesn't sound healthy. I hope you get out of it.
Galagirl
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