Triad: How Can I Be More Intimate With My Girlfriend?

Clirkus

Clirkus

New member
I’m a female in a triad relationship with a man and a woman. The beginning of our relationship was formed by the three of us together and we’ve always placed a strong emphasis on equality, meaning that we want to be as equally involved with each other as individuals as we are all together. In the beginning I was closer to each of them than they were to one another, and we’ve since been able to even out that rough patch and build up enough trust for them to be more open and comfortable with each other. We’ve been together a little over two months now and things are going spectacularly.

For me, this is my first serious relationship, and for my girlfriend and I it’s our first time being romantically involved with another woman. Our shared inexperience has us exploring ideas of how we can be more intimate (romantically, but mostly sexually) with each other. It’s a learning curve, and our boyfriend is very supportive of our endeavors but there’s not a whole lot he can do to aid us since, well, it doesn’t directly involve him. We’ve talked about maybe getting a few toys but I don’t think the root of our problem is completely related to “equipment” so to speak.

Suggestions would be nice but I’d like to hear if anyone else has had a similar experience. This isn’t really a problem for us, just an area of our relationship we would like to explore and grow in. Any input is welcome!
 
In terms of lesbian sex, I learned the absolute most from getting involved with an experienced lesbian. Porn helped a little too, but lesbian porn sucks mostly. Are y'all open? Keep exploring with each other, but if you're open and willing, maybe you can each try learning from more experienced lesbians individually or together.
 
Calle DANONE

ThreesACrowd said:
In terms of lesbian sex, I learned the absolute most from getting involved with an experienced lesbian. Porn helped a little too, but lesbian porn sucks mostly. Are y'all open? Keep exploring with each other, but if you're open and willing, maybe you can each try learning from more experienced lesbians individually or together.
Click to expand...

No, we’re closed and not interested in changing that. Experimenting with people outside of our relationship isn’t something we’ll open up about anytime soon, if ever.
 
Hi Clirkus,

As a man, I'm not in much of a position to advise you on how to increase intimacy in woman-to-woman encounters. I guess one thing you could do (if you're not already doing it) is talk a lot with your girlfriend about your sexual encounters with her. Like, talk explicitly, about what things each of you likes the most, and which things you don't care for as much. It can be awkward to talk about sex, but maybe it's something you can get used to a little at a time.

Other than that, I believe it helps to build intimacy outside the bedroom. That is, greater general intimacy makes greater sexual intimacy possible. So communicate a lot, about your feelings and even about the little things, and do lots of stuff together. You might already be doing that, of course.

I hope your triad relationship will continue to blossom and grow.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think one of the things that has been most odd for me with my female partners over the years (and they have all been other bisexual women, often ones who had very little experience), is that we're all socialized to be the responsive partner rather than the initiating partner - both sexually and to a lesser degree in terms of physical intimacy, less so for emotional. (In other words, conversation was easy, physicality or "making the next move" was hard!)

Even discussing this or just acknowledging it helped, because we could be aware of the dynamic and both work to fix it.
 
I've been involved in a LTR with a woman now for close to 9 years. Prior to meeting her, I was in a 30+ year marriage with a man, monogamous.

I had 2 one night threesomes, FMF, with friends before taking up with my ex husband. So lots of sex with a woman came almost as a new thing to me when I separated from my ex and met my gf.

I am not sure why it's awkward with your gf... But sex rather comes naturally to me. I enjoy giving and receiving oral sex, fingering, breast play, kissing. As well as some toy use, a variety of dildos and vibrators, for example. We also purchased a strap on, but don't use it much, since we both have boyfriends for "intercourse" type sex.

I also had a 3 month relationship with another woman who enjoyed two way oral and vibrator play and all the other good things.

So, could you be more specific about what acts, exactly, you're having trouble enjoying?

One idea of a way to relate is massage. Get a nice lovely smelling massage oil and enjoy giving each other pleasure to the body, leaving out the breasts and genitals until it seems natural to go there, whether it's that time, or after a few times doing non sexual massage.

Maybe you could take a nice shower together first, have a light dinner, scented candle light, music. Women enjoy all those romantic niceties more than the ordinary guy does! Use just a little wine or weed, if you ordinarily enjoy that. (Do NOT get drunk on the wine, or shitfaced on the weed.) Then move to the bed for massages. One day one person is the giver, another day you switch. Cuddle afterwards. No pressure for sex and orgasms until you're really ready.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Clirkus,

As a man, I'm not in much of a position to advise you on how to increase intimacy in woman-to-woman encounters. I guess one thing you could do (if you're not already doing it) is talk a lot with your girlfriend about your sexual encounters with her. Like, talk explicitly, about what things each of you likes the most, and which things you don't care for as much. It can be awkward to talk about sex, but maybe it's something you can get used to a little at a time.

Other than that, I believe it helps to build intimacy outside the bedroom. That is, greater general intimacy makes greater sexual intimacy possible. So communicate a lot, about your feelings and even about the little things, and do lots of stuff together. You might already be doing that, of course.

I hope your triad relationship will continue to blossom and grow.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

I agree, a lot of this will probably be resolved via communication. It is awkward, and not a subject that comes up in conversation naturally. We actually are planning to go on a one-on-one date sometime in the near future. We’re both of the mindset I think that we’d like to let our relationship develop naturally and not try to do everything immediately. I’m sure with time we’ll get to the level of intimacy we both want.

Like I said, the whole relationship has been a learning experience. It probably helps that we live together, but our other roommate is unaware of the status of the relationship and I want to keep it that way at least until we get another place to live because she’s a childhood friend of mine and very conservative and I’m afraid if I tell her she’ll tell her parents who will in turn tell my parents (who are very religious and would be horrified if they found out) and since I’m still dependent on them for insurance I’d like to keep them out of the loop for now.

Still, we do get plenty of alone time together so that’s not a big issue at the moment.

icesong said:
I think one of the things that has been most odd for me with my female partners over the years (and they have all been other bisexual women, often ones who had very little experience), is that we're all socialized to be the responsive partner rather than the initiating partner - both sexually and to a lesser degree in terms of physical intimacy, less so for emotional. (In other words, conversation was easy, physicality or "making the next move" was hard!)

Even discussing this or just acknowledging it helped, because we could be aware of the dynamic and both work to fix it.
Click to expand...

I totally agree with your observation. For both of us, sexual intimacy is much easier with a male partner (and when the three of us are together the sex is fantastic) but when it’s just the two of us we’re at a loss for what to do because all of our prior experience has been with men. Not only that but she and I are very different in what we like and what “does it” for us. She’s actually the easy one to figure out. I’m complicated and don’t always know what I want, and I think that discourages her from trying things with me. Not that she doesn’t want to, but I don’t really blame her.

Magdlyn said:
I've been involved in a LTR with a woman now for close to 9 years. Prior to meeting her, I was in a 30+ year marriage with a man, monogamous.

I had 2 one night threesomes, FMF, with friends before taking up with my ex husband. So lots of sex with a woman came almost as a new thing to me when I separated from my ex and met my gf.

I am not sure why it's awkward with your gf... But sex rather comes naturally to me. I enjoy giving and receiving oral sex, fingering, breast play, kissing. As well as some toy use, a variety of dildos and vibrators, for example. We also purchased a strap on, but don't use it much, since we both have boyfriends for "intercourse" type sex.

I also had a 3 month relationship with another woman who enjoyed two way oral and vibrator play and all the other good things.

So, could you be more specific about what acts, exactly, you're having trouble enjoying?

One idea of a way to relate is massage. Get a nice lovely smelling massage oil and enjoy giving each other pleasure to the body, leaving out the breasts and genitals until it seems natural to go there, whether it's that time, or after a few times doing non sexual massage.

Maybe you could take a nice shower together first, have a light dinner, scented candle light, music. Women enjoy all those romantic niceties more than the ordinary guy does! Use just a little wine or weed, if you ordinarily enjoy that. (Do NOT get drunk on the wine, or shitfaced on the weed.) Then move to the bed for massages. One day one person is the giver, another day you switch. Cuddle afterwards. No pressure for sex and orgasms until you're really ready.
Click to expand...

We do a lot of things together already that seem intimate. Showering together sometimes, cuddling (clothed and unclothed), and she sleeps in my bed more often than not, we kiss a lot but it rarely leads to anything more. I like your massage suggestion. For me (and both of my partners know this) I just want to be touched. One of my favorite things is recieving physical affection; kissing, cuddling, having my hair played with, generally being petted like a dog... even just holding hands or sitting close to one or both of them. She is more responsive to me giving physical affection than our boyfriend, so doing those sorts of things with her are very easy. Us both being girls, and that sort of non-sexual affection, I think we just know how to appreciate each other better in that way than our boyfriend does. (Not saying this is true of all men but for ours at least, physical non-sexual affection doesn’t matter that much to him. So in a way we’re closer in that manner.)

Specifically, when it gets to genitalia, that’s when things sometimes get uncomfortable. I know what to do to get her off but she can’t do the same for ke. I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong, it’s me. I’m difficult in that regard, and I’m very aware of it because I’m dating two people who regularly have multiple orgasms during sex, and it’s a great night for me if I have one, and most often I have to do it myself. There are only three instances where it was solely my partner who got me off. Two of which were my current boyfriend and that was over a span of a year of sleeping together.

I know there’s nothing really wrong with that, it’s just how I am and I still have fun regardless, and they’ve both assurred me multiple times that it’s fine... I just know how much it means to me to be able to get my partner off. Like, if I was in their position I would feel bad not being able to. I have a lot of confidence in my ability to please my partners, and at least with my boyfriend I get the most enjoyment out of sex from penetration, but I also don’t enjoy being fingered that much and it doesn’t do it for me. Recieving oral is either unpleasant or meh. Clit stimulation is iffy at best, and I don’t really like being touched there either. So in my mind, unless you have a penis, having sex with me is a lot of work and you’re probably not going to get paid in the end. I know your instinct might be that my partners are just bad in bed but they are both very experienced and have no problem getting each other off.

I wouldn’t mind it so much, except that pleasing my partner is very important to me and my inability to be pleased has and still does make me feel bad sometimes, so in a lot of ways I feel like I’m the obstacle, even though I know it’s not my fault or anyone else’s.
 
Clirkus said:
The beginning of our relationship was formed by the three of us together and we’ve always placed a strong emphasis on equality, meaning that we want to be as equally involved with each other as individuals as we are all together.
Click to expand...
It is very unlikely that any two people are going to be in the identical headspace about a given subject area at any given moment.

More? Vanishing small, infinitesimal, approximately zero. What is the reality?

Clirkus said:
In the beginning I was closer to each of them than they were to one another
Click to expand...
So, you are thereby rescuing their relationship, making up for gaps that they are incapable of resolving or maybe unwilling to confront. How is that emotionally healthy for any of you?
 
Can I ask a really obvious question, Clirkus: are you sure you and your gf are both bisexual and actually *want* to be sexually involved with each other?

I ask, because from what you describe, you are emotionally close to each other (to the point of being romantically attracted, according to your post) and enjoy physical closeness. However, the rest sounds to me as if you're really not particularly sexually attracted to each other - at least, you are not, to her.

It is possible to be closest friends bordering on romantically/emotionally attracted to somebody else, without wanting or needing an explicitly sexual relationship with them. Or, conversely, it's possible to enjoy group sex (even if not everybody involved matches your preferred gender or orientation) and have little need or desire to also date that person separately to the original or hinge partner (in this case, your shared boyfriend).

It just sounds to me as if you and gf are trying to force a sexual relationship that isn't coming naturally, if you'll excuse the pun.
 
Hi Clirkus,

It sounds like your main challenge for now is that, you can get your girlfriend to climax easily enough, but she cannot get you to climax so easily. Is that a problem for you? Do you feel disappointed when you don't climax? Some people can enjoy sex without having to climax every time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Ravenscroft said:
It is very unlikely that any two people are going to be in the identical headspace about a given subject area at any given moment.

More? Vanishing small, infinitesimal, approximately zero. What is the reality?


So, you are thereby rescuing their relationship, making up for gaps that they are incapable of resolving or maybe unwilling to confront. How is that emotionally healthy for any of you?
Click to expand...

I think you should go back and reread my original post because it seems like you weren’t paying attention the first time. This thread is essentially about my inexperience with other women, and I’m asking for insight from others based on their experiences. Right now our relationship (all three of us) is going very well because we have already found a better balance, emotionally and otherwise, so you bringing that up is sort of off topic and not really relevant to my question.

lunabunny said:
Can I ask a really obvious question, Clirkus: are you sure you and your gf are both bisexual and actually *want* to be sexually involved with each other?

I ask, because from what you describe, you are emotionally close to each other (to the point of being romantically attracted, according to your post) and enjoy physical closeness. However, the rest sounds to me as if you're really not particularly sexually attracted to each other - at least, you are not, to her.

It is possible to be closest friends bordering on romantically/emotionally attracted to somebody else, without wanting or needing an explicitly sexual relationship with them. Or, conversely, it's possible to enjoy group sex (even if not everybody involved matches your preferred gender or orientation) and have little need or desire to also date that person separately to the original or hinge partner (in this case, your shared boyfriend).

It just sounds to me as if you and gf are trying to force a sexual relationship that isn't coming naturally, if you'll excuse the pun.
Click to expand...

I can see where your concern is and it’s something I’ve thought about a lot (before I had even met either of my partners). I’ve always felt that my own sexuality was somewhat ambiguous. I rarely experience sexual attraction, and when I do it’s only after I’ve gotten to know the other person on a personal level. I feel very lucky to have met two people that I’m attracted to both physicaly and emotionally. I can’t say that I’m bisexual, because I’m not generally attracted to men or women, so I’m pretty sure I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum, though I don’t often experience attraction toward people I meet, I still have desire. So yeah, sexually ambiguous.

For my girlfriend, she identifies as bisexual, and has wanted to be in a poly relationship with a man and a woman for a long time. However, I happen to be the first woman she’s been with. Neither of us are forcing anything, and there’s really no pressure to rush into anything. I’ll reiterate again, my original question is not related to any problem. We’re happy where we’re at. Mostly generalized curiosity because I would like to learn more, because I know that I’m inexperienced. Since this is a forum, I was hoping that someone may have gone through a similar experience to mine.

I think a lot of people are thinking that this is a problem I’m trying to solve, when there is no problem. I’m in a happy relationship, but being inexperinced as I am, I’d like to learn more so that I can be a better partner to my girlfriend and, by extension, our boyfriend. I know that with time the relationship between me and my girlfriend will develop naturally and at its own pace, in fact is already has since we started dating, and I’m not trying to rush anything, I just want to learn.

kdt26417 said:
Hi Clirkus,

It sounds like your main challenge for now is that, you can get your girlfriend to climax easily enough, but she cannot get you to climax so easily. Is that a problem for you? Do you feel disappointed when you don't climax? Some people can enjoy sex without having to climax every time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

From a purely sexual standpoint, yes that is the challenging bit. It’s not a problem for me because if I know it’s not going to happen for me I’m happy to do other things, but I know that both of my partners would like to be able to do that for me. Personally, as long as everyone had a good time I don’t care if I can’t climax, and even though I’ve been assurred that it’s fine as long as I’m still enjoying myself, when things get all hot and heavy in the bedroom it’s verbally expressed that they want me to climax, and I feel pressured to perform (even though I’m sure that’s not their intention, it’s just a byproduct of talking dirty.)

However I think this issue is largely unrelated to my original question so I don’t really want to talk much more about it. It’s something I just need to talk about with my partners.

Back to the topic: How can I be more intimate with my girlfriend, I think I should expand on that. I don’t expect us to have the same kind of sexual relationship as we do with our boyfriend. The question comes from a mutual desire to develop intimacy between each other out of love. It’s not a problem for anyone, we’re all very happy with the way things are and I know that with time, as with any relationship, these things will happen naturally. From a sexual standpoint both of us are inexperienced with women and still figuring each other out, in a physical sense, and I’m curious if anyone else has had a similar experience. I want to come at it from a learning standpoint is all, for my own personal growth.
 
I wish I was better qualified to answer your original question ... as a man, and one without much variety of experience, I don't know how to increase the (sexual?) intimacy between two women. Communication is the only thing I can think of. Talk about sex. Discover each other's sexual viewpoints. On the other hand, if it's about intimacy but not (just) sexual intimacy, I guess I would say do fun things together. And communicate. Discover each other's feelings.

Hopefully others who have better qualifications than I do will chime in.
 
kdt26417 said:
I wish I was better qualified to answer your original question ... as a man, and one without much variety of experience, I don't know how to increase the (sexual?) intimacy between two women. Communication is the only thing I can think of. Talk about sex. Discover each other's sexual viewpoints. On the other hand, if it's about intimacy but not (just) sexual intimacy, I guess I would say do fun things together. And communicate. Discover each other's feelings.

Hopefully others who have better qualifications than I do will chime in.
Click to expand...

I agree, and I think that is the case with us. We just need more time and more colmunication. Like I said, it’s not something that worries me. We have amazing emotional intimacy, and sometimes we stay up all night talking. We cuddle a lot and are otherwise very physically affectionate with each other. But we’re both new at this and still learning a lot. Right now we couldn’t be happier with each other. I love her a lot.
 
How to be intimate? When you already cuddle and have sex?

Maybe fart around each other and poop with the door open?
 
Clirkus said:
I’m a female in a triad relationship with a man and a woman. The beginning of our relationship was formed by the three of us together and we’ve always placed a strong emphasis on equality, meaning that we want to be as equally involved with each other as individuals as we are all together. In the beginning I was closer to each of them than they were to one another, and we’ve since been able to even out that rough patch and build up enough trust for them to be more open and comfortable with each other. We’ve been together a little over two months now and things are going spectacularly.

For me, this is my first serious relationship, and for my girlfriend and I it’s our first time being romantically involved with another woman. Our shared inexperience has us exploring ideas of how we can be more intimate (romantically, but mostly sexually) with each other. It’s a learning curve, and our boyfriend is very supportive of our endeavors but there’s not a whole lot he can do to aid us since, well, it doesn’t directly involve him. We’ve talked about maybe getting a few toys but I don’t think the root of our problem is completely related to “equipment” so to speak.

Suggestions would be nice but I’d like to hear if anyone else has had a similar experience. This isn’t really a problem for us, just an area of our relationship we would like to explore and grow in. Any input is welcome!
Click to expand...

Sounds like you're already on the right track to me. Provided the depth of communication is there that you want, then just keep doing what you're doing. If you want to push the boundaries, maybe get into a little role playing. That might open up some paths to deeper intimacy that you haven't explored yet.
 
PolyNatural said:
Sounds like you're already on the right track to me. Provided the depth of communication is there that you want, then just keep doing what you're doing. If you want to push the boundaries, maybe get into a little role playing. That might open up some paths to deeper intimacy that you haven't explored yet.
Click to expand...

Thanks! I really feel like we are on the right track. I’m glad I found this forum because even though it’s not an issue or anything I don’t have anyone in my immediate circle with any sort of poly relationship experience and it just feels good to talk about what’s on my mind regarding my relationship status with other poly peeps.

Ravenscroft said:
Couples therapy.
Click to expand...

Any reccomendations for someone living in SC lol
 
Clirkus said:
Thanks! I really feel like we are on the right track. I’m glad I found this forum because even though it’s not an issue or anything I don’t have anyone in my immediate circle with any sort of poly relationship experience and it just feels good to talk about what’s on my mind regarding my relationship status with other poly peeps.
Click to expand...

And thank you for the vote of confidence :)
 
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