Communication in a triad

[AlbertaBea]

Hi. I am 30/f and am dating Tommy, 30/m. We have lived together for three years and we have been dating for 5. Things are okay with us and our relationship is flexible and strong, getting stronger. We have definitely had struggles lately and broken up twice, only to decide to keep living together and dating.

I am seeking some advice. Maybe this is a naive poly perspective, but I expected other women to be as considerate and communicative as I have always been towards women in a triad. I like to check in with other women about the man I want to date and see if I'm getting into a mad house or a refuge. "Your husband is touching my butt, do you mind?" "Do you mind?" This is an ideal conversation for me.

Let me describe three recent times women have shown interest in Tommy.

1. Woman and her spouse meet us at an event and we all become friends. I invite them to our house for a dinner. She messages Tommy after about her feelings for him, and they go on a date while I am at work. He tells me about it afterwards and decides not to see her again.

2. Tommy asks married female friend and person he works with for advice about a trauma our relationship was working through. She tries to make out with him during the conversation. He tells me about it afterwards. I told a friend that I thought it was a crappy thing to do, without realizing that she had been roommates with this girl and confronted her on my behalf about needing to make amends with me. So I tried to send her a message on fb saying that my friend never should have talked to her that way, and she didn't have to get involved in my relationship drama. She called Tommy right away and told him I'm crazy. I guess things are cool now and they are platonic friends again. I try to avoid her and it puts Tommy in an awkward spot, and me as they are friends and I don't trust her.

3. Woman I have been acquainted with for a decade tries to make out with him when she hears we are struggling. Not the first time she's done this with someone I'm dating. He tells me about it afterwards and we more or less laugh it off, but I don't seek her out.

If I were trying to initiate a sexual relationship with someone who has been in a relationship I check in with their partner if we are friends about how they are doing. I find this leads to the most fulfilling relationships. Is that just me? I have had to adjust my way of thinking to not let things get to me, but still communicate my thoughts. This allows me to be supportive of Tommy, and explore my own boundaries. The idea that if this person isn't acknowledging me somehow, they must be threatening my relationship isn't true. I could tell those three examples weren't going anywhere as soon as I heard about them anyway. And maybe not everyone wants that level of communication in their relationships. Forcing it never goes well. I'm just really trying to adjust and accept, grow stronger.

What do other people think?

 

[opalescent]

You don't have a problem with other women who want to get into Tommy's pants.

You have a problem with Tommy. From the outside, this what it looks like to me in all three instances.

Tommy does something possibly borderline unethical, or outside the bounds of your relationship, or just unsettling or upsetting to you with a women who solicited such behavior from him. (The boundaries are unclear to me - what has been agreed upon between you two regarding seeing other people?) He then tells you about such activities after the fact and then watches you seethe about the other women.

Do you see the common denominator here? It's you - and Tommy. Not the other women. The concerns you have are with Tommy, his communication with you and his behaviors. Focusing on the other women, and wishing they would just check in with you before trying to get with him is displacing the issue.

I'm not sure if Tommy has actually done something unethical or broken a boundary. But you are clearly unhappy about his actions, even if you may not quite realize that. Maybe what you would like is some sort of check in from him before responding to another woman's overtures? It can be one of your agreements to check in with each other about interactions or possible interactions. Not as a veto but just a 'hey this is going on' kind of discussion. You may find that as this goes on and you learn to trust each other's judgment that you will need this kind of check in less and less and you can just rely on each other to handle your business lovingly and ethically.

It's not really the woman's job to check in with you. It's nice and a good sign if they do that but you cannot demand they do so. It's not their job to do the emotional labor of making you comfortable. This cannot be mandatory - it can be something people do on their own initiative. Obviously you fall into this camp. I feel that requiring it, or even just expecting it, can be controlling.

Maybe hearing less about his interactions with other women would help you? It's not always helpful to know all the things all the time. I find less information is often better for me.

 

[AlbertaBea]

Re:

I see the perspective that the problem is with him and our relationship. Things are complicated, but he didn't violate any boundaries in our relationship. I date other people a bit more scandalously, and I'm glad he told me what was going on. Asking for a check in would be really great but one of our relationship boundaries right now is that he wants space to do things without checking in. I can understand his perspective. He has given me veto power before, and I eventually changed my mind, and he still didn't date her. We are in a great place of trusting each other and loving each other, but considering the possibility that friendship is more for us. We still live together, depend on each other, text all day and have a regular sexual relationship. We have a weekly date night, spend most days together and welcome happiness where we are lucky enough to find it.

Accepting that the woman doesn't have to check in is where my current hang up is, and I am known for being demanding so like I said I am adjusting to all this and trying not to force anything. I don't feel wrecked or seething, just alert and wary of who is coming into my life and trying to accept and be okay with that discomfort until the situation passes. I know Tommy is in an unstable place, not looking for a relationship, and that leads him to questionable sexual situations (me too). I did not confront the most recent woman about what I felt was shady behavior, coming to my house with her spouse and not being direct with me. I'm not inviting them to stuff for awhile though.

I think telling me after the fact is Tommy's way of telling me less about his interactions with other women. He wants his own space, and I can respect that. He still comes to me after the dates to process the experience if he needs someone to talk to, and I'm glad he feels safe doing that because I also vent to him. Someone I dated informed us about our "relationship privilege" recently. It is what it is. We have struggled labeling our relationship and gave up so I also have to accept that I can't expect anyone to know how to interact with that. These must be brave women. This has been an enriching personal journey.

Have you ever had an experience like that with a partner dating another person you both know, and wishing that person were more considerate of you?

 

[Marcus]

Have you ever had an experience like that with a partner dating another person you both know, and wishing that person were more considerate of you?

I find that many people could stand to be more considerate. It's especially evident when the person I find inconsiderate is linked to someone else in my life and I, to some degree or another, need to navigate around them.

In the end though, it's either a matter of my expectations being out of whack with reality, or that I am not taking proper care of myself (setting/enforcing boundaries). What I'm getting from your story is that you may have a bit of both.

Boundaries related to the amount of influence you want your partners experiences to have on you. That is, how much communication you are letting in, how much you allow his dating habits to change your life.

Expectations related to being realistic regarding how other people do relationships. Everyone does it differently, and none of us do it perfectly. Working to embrace this idea will probably be helpful for you.​

 

[kdt26417]

Hi AlbertaBea,

I take it your issue is not that Tommy gets involved (to some degree) with other women, you just wish the other women would be more considerate of your feelings. That is, you would like them to get your okay before moving ahead with Tommy.

I'd say Tommy should delay their propositions until they clear it with you ... but you seem to be saying you want him to have the freedom to not have to do that. If you want him to have that freedom, you have to give those women that freedom too.

I think you are on a learning curve, and are just trying to get used to this. I hope our input is of help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

I don't see where anyone is being inconsiderate of you.

If someone came up to me and asked if it was okay for my partner to touch them, I would view that as passive-aggressive behavior. If they know us, then they already know we are are poly. My response would be something along the lines of you are an adult, it's up to you to decide if you consent to that or not.

 

[GalaGirl]

I like to check in with other women about the man I want to date and see if I'm getting into a mad house or a refuge.

That makes sense to me. I rarely know anyone who wants to get involved with crazy situations if they can help it.

"Your husband is touching my butt, do you mind?" "Do you mind?" This is an ideal conversation for me.

That's a weird conversation to me. Because it's your butt. If YOU are not comfortable with my husband groping you -- you tell him! I'm not his keeper.

If I had problems witnessing PDA, I would have told my husband about it well before he started butt grabbing you (or anyone else he was dating) in front of me.

If YOU were grabbing his butt in front of me and I had not made you aware yet of where I stood on PDA, I would take it as opportunity to make you aware and ask you to leave stuff beyond _____ for private moments when you and he are alone.

What you and he get up to on your own time is yours and his business. Not mine. But I don't want to walk into my house with a trail of kids behind me and see people groping in the kitchen. Oy.

1. Woman and her spouse meet us at an event and we all become friends. I invite them to our house for a dinner. She messages Tommy after about her feelings for him, and they go on a date while I am at work. He tells me about it afterwards and decides not to see her again.

You and Tommy agree that you can both date without checking in first. So... where is problem here?

2. Tommy asks married female friend and person he works with for advice about a trauma our relationship was working through. She tries to make out with him during the conversation.

That's kinda gross. If a vulnerable person comes to me asking for help, I don't take it like"Woot! Easy target! Let me put the moves on them!"

It WAS a crappy thing to do. But it's not your job to police it. You could expect him to.

Tommy could say "Whoa, lady. I thought I could trust you with a conversation and here you go putting the moves on me. What's the matter with you? I thought you were my friend."

3. Woman I have been acquainted with for a decade tries to make out with him when she hears we are struggling.

See #2. Not your job to police. Tommy has to tell these people to back off. You and him struggling doesn't mean it's time to start putting the moves on him.

If this keeps happening a lot? I would wonder if the common denominator is Tommy. Like he goes around telling women his sob story on purpose so they pity him and lavish him with attention or something. Is that his game?

If I were trying to initiate a sexual relationship with someone who has been in a relationship I check in with their partner if we are friends about how they are doing. I find this leads to the most fulfilling relationships.

Ok. If you are friends with someone and you are interested in dating their partner, you check in with them to make sure that is ok with them. Fair enough. You prefer this approach.

And maybe not everyone wants that level of communication in their relationships.

Yup. Not everyone does. Some people want very "separate" relationships. They don't check in like that. They prefer a different approach. They just deal with the person they are dating. They expect the person they are dating to clear it with whoever else. Otherwise... why be dating if not actually free to do so?

Have you ever had an experience like that with a partner dating another person you both know, and wishing that person were more considerate of you?

You are not able to ask them "Could you please be willing to do/stop doing _____? I would appreciate that" directly?

Over here? I don't care to know details. I care about my spouse, but I can't be bothered to know every little thing all the time.

Tell me if something is looking to go lover or get serious. THAT is "newsworthy" to me.

But telling me about a date here and there that ended up going nowhere or telling me some woman hit on him inappropriately? I figure he's an adult and he can deal with the world at large. Unless he's asking me for help or feedback on something in particular... I don't need to know this "play by play" stuff.

"Random announcements" about stuff doesn't do anything for me. I find them irritating. I listen to kids all day long doing "random announcements" at me because they are still learning how to communicate and deal with impulse control and all that. I don't want any EXTRA when I come home from adults. I'm tired at the end of the day.

I appreciate purposeful and clear communication. I think sometimes people want to share everything in the name of being transparent but don't realize at a certain point the amount of data coming in becomes the fountain of blahblahblah. Transparent? Maybe. Purposeful and clear communication? Not so much.

A common teacher poster is this one.

Where you are supposed to THINK before you speak.

Is it True?
Is it Helpful?
Is is inspiring?
Is it Necessary?
Is it Kind?

I would add... is it to the right person? At the right time? At the right place?

Maybe you and Tommy could have a conversation about information management. What is NEED to know. Maybe that's stuff like calendars and sex health labs. What is WANT to know, but don't have to know. And what is just too much data. Figure out what the "newsworthy" things are and the skip the rest.

just alert and wary of who is coming into my life and trying to accept and be okay with that discomfort until the situation passes.

This is WHY I don't want to know details until it is something worth getting excited about. I can't be living my life on "high alert" or "wary" all the time. I expect DH to handle his dating life and let me know when there's something newsworthy going on.

Galagirl