I posted my story last week. Recently my wife I've been with for 5 years told me she wants a girlfriend. I was emotionally messed up over it, and I'm still trying to deal with it. She has been involved in lesbian poly groups and flirting with other women online. I felt she crossed the line because she was already heavily involved before she told me. She is constantly glued to the phone sending sexy pictures to girls she only knows from Facebook. I told get I would like her to stop until I get a handle on my emotions. She said she is unwilling to stop, and she needs it. I'm open to her having a girlfriend as long as she doesn't neglect our marriage. But from what I've seen so far she is already neglecting it with the internet flirting. I'm trying really hard here to just let her do her thing but is breaking my heart. Everytime she looks at her phone witch is constantly, i get an anxiety attack. I don't know if I can do this. I need some support and I don't have anyone to talk to. Any response will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Finding acceptance
- Thread starter Inzpash
- Start date
vinsanity0
Active member
How is she neglecting it with the internet flirting? Is she ignoring you completely?
You say you are open to it, but something is holding you back. What is it? A religious background??
Why do you get anxiety attacks? What are you anxious about? I asked you before what you were worried about happening. You didn't answer. You don't have to answer these here. You do have to ask yourself these questions to get to the bottom of why you feel way you do.
Also, your wife has discovered something new about herself. Should she deny her feelings?
You say you are open to it, but something is holding you back. What is it? A religious background??
Why do you get anxiety attacks? What are you anxious about? I asked you before what you were worried about happening. You didn't answer. You don't have to answer these here. You do have to ask yourself these questions to get to the bottom of why you feel way you do.
Also, your wife has discovered something new about herself. Should she deny her feelings?
Yah I would say 95% of the time were together she's on the phone. No religious background. I believe it's jealousy that is giving me this anxiety.. She barely wants to have sex with me anymore, and when she does I feel she thinks of it like a chore instead of party of a lobbing relationship. I bend over backwards to make or life comfortable and I feel like she Doesent appreciate it. I felt totally content until last week, but i guess she didn't. She's a free spirit, and when we had these discussions it hurt me bad. I'm trying to pretend everything is ok, but I feel far from ok. I'm not ready to have this relationship fall apart. Is my while life! I feel like it's slipping away. Should I continue to let her process her feelings and eventually have a girlfriend? I'm trying to be ok.
anamikanon
New member
This is not looking good for you. She appears to have moved on from how you describe. You can take it and be there for whatever scraps she throws you or leave it.
I'd opt for leaving.
I would not even consider adapting to a girlfriend while things are already bad. What basically happened was cheating. If she had regrets and now wanted to make things right with you while also accommodating her own desires, it would be a different matter. But if she does not appear to have consideration for your feeling, I don't think things will improve if you simply comply with what she wants.
Jealousy is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be an early alarm. It is hard to feel secure if your partner is indeed neglecting you.
I'd opt for leaving.
I would not even consider adapting to a girlfriend while things are already bad. What basically happened was cheating. If she had regrets and now wanted to make things right with you while also accommodating her own desires, it would be a different matter. But if she does not appear to have consideration for your feeling, I don't think things will improve if you simply comply with what she wants.
Jealousy is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be an early alarm. It is hard to feel secure if your partner is indeed neglecting you.
anamikanon
New member
One good alternative to feeling "I'm trying to pretend everything is ok, but I feel far from ok. I'm not ready to have this relationship fall apart. Is my while life! I feel like it's slipping away." is to take charge and actively dump it. Unless you have a good description for what it is that you don't want to lose. So far, you haven't mentioned much worth hanging on for.
Change can be terrifying when it comes to intimate relationships, but as a veteran of heartbreaks that felt catastrophic at that time, the only thing I have regretted in hindsight is the time I took to do the inevitable. The writing had been on the wall for a long time before I allowed myself to read it. For what? Because I take my relationships seriously and don't like ending them while there is any chance. And for that, I pretend there are chances long after I have exhausted them.
This may not be your process, and there could be things you haven't described that assure you that this may be a phase or that she may actually care more for you than the disinterest you describe here.
Change can be terrifying when it comes to intimate relationships, but as a veteran of heartbreaks that felt catastrophic at that time, the only thing I have regretted in hindsight is the time I took to do the inevitable. The writing had been on the wall for a long time before I allowed myself to read it. For what? Because I take my relationships seriously and don't like ending them while there is any chance. And for that, I pretend there are chances long after I have exhausted them.
This may not be your process, and there could be things you haven't described that assure you that this may be a phase or that she may actually care more for you than the disinterest you describe here.
anamikanon
New member
Sorry for multiple posts but "she needs it" is complete bullshit. Sex/relationships are not needed, sex with one or many partners is WANTED. It isn't something life essential that can't wait for you adopt in a responsible manner that is sensitive to both your needs. You need food. You want sex. You can live without sex for a month if that is what it takes to figure out EXISTING COMMITMENTS you chose. You can't starve for a month till you figure out those commitments. Unnecessary and unilateral upgrading of own desires and complete ignoring of yours is bad bad news.
vinsanity0
Active member
Don't pretend everything is okay when it's not. It's not a good thing to go into poly with existing problems. Saying communication is important is not just a cliche. You two need to get down and dirty about your feelings, wants, and needs. Some mono couples go their whole lives pretending they have a happy marriage because they think that is what they are supposed to do. That doesn't work with poly.
Jealousy is not a bad thing if you use it as a tool to recognize problems. You feel jealous because you are being neglected. You neglected that until your wife showed interest in others. There are reasons she doesn't want to have sex with you. You need to find out what those reasons are, not pretend it's not happening.
How is this relationship your whole life if it makes you unhappy? Sorry, but that is romantic nonsense. You are worried about rocking the boat but it is already sinking.
If your wife was here I would tell her to chill on the non-monogamy and work it all out first. Unfortunately, the people who are screwing things up aren't the ones who usually show up here. You need to confront these issues. The alternative is to live a lie.
Sorry none of this is what you want to hear.
Jealousy is not a bad thing if you use it as a tool to recognize problems. You feel jealous because you are being neglected. You neglected that until your wife showed interest in others. There are reasons she doesn't want to have sex with you. You need to find out what those reasons are, not pretend it's not happening.
How is this relationship your whole life if it makes you unhappy? Sorry, but that is romantic nonsense. You are worried about rocking the boat but it is already sinking.
If your wife was here I would tell her to chill on the non-monogamy and work it all out first. Unfortunately, the people who are screwing things up aren't the ones who usually show up here. You need to confront these issues. The alternative is to live a lie.
Sorry none of this is what you want to hear.
Alright thank you all for you comments. We both started out this relationship with completely nothing. We are both drug addicts who have been clean and sober for the last 5 year's working 12step programs. I honestly have been completely happy and fulfilled with our relationship until recently. I love this woman from the bottom of my heart. We built a life from the ground up. Both have careers, and bought a house a couple years ago. In the last few months I started to feel the neglect, I let her have some space, and then last week the bomb went off, about the girlfriend. I was in shock.
There is no dout in my mind she loves me very much. If it comes to letting it all go, I will do it. If I continue to feel like I have, it won't be worth it. I'm going to let things be for at least another week maybe more, while I collect all my thoughts, and write them down. Then after we both feel a little more stable have another conversation.
Just talking to you guys has made me feel better in this moment.
Sincerely thanks.
There is no dout in my mind she loves me very much. If it comes to letting it all go, I will do it. If I continue to feel like I have, it won't be worth it. I'm going to let things be for at least another week maybe more, while I collect all my thoughts, and write them down. Then after we both feel a little more stable have another conversation.
Just talking to you guys has made me feel better in this moment.
Sincerely thanks.
anamikanon
New member
Good call on taking time to think.
Also, the background makes it easier to understand the value you place on the relationship and why you'd want to give it your best shot.
If your partner loves you and you are certain of that, are you certain you have conveyed your distress about her behavior to her? It is not usual for someone in love to be okay with their partner's pain. Particularly if they have the power to ease it.
Also, the background makes it easier to understand the value you place on the relationship and why you'd want to give it your best shot.
If your partner loves you and you are certain of that, are you certain you have conveyed your distress about her behavior to her? It is not usual for someone in love to be okay with their partner's pain. Particularly if they have the power to ease it.
anamikanon
New member
Not "Just Friends" is a book I found very helpful in understanding infidelity, coping and healing. It really helps break down the process of both the infidelity as well as the recovery at a time when there is chaos in your own mind (or at least there was in mine) and you desperately need to make sense of things.
It isn't a poly book as such, so there isn't much space given to ethical non-monogamy, but the fundamentals are the same, and given that you are monogamous in a relationship you believed to be monogamous till last week, may not be such a big deal.
It isn't a poly book as such, so there isn't much space given to ethical non-monogamy, but the fundamentals are the same, and given that you are monogamous in a relationship you believed to be monogamous till last week, may not be such a big deal.
Ravenscroft
Banned
Speaking oly for myself, I woul find "fuck you, this is who I am now!!" to be highly indicative.
Is that what she is intending to communicate? Please, ask her.
Is that what she is intending to communicate? Please, ask her.
I'm so sorry your relationship has taken a sudden turn for the worse, after all you've been through together. Big congratulations are in order for 5 years of sobriety for both of you! Great work! Huge!
But your gf's sudden interest in other women, and her obsessive phone behavior, are concerning. Selfishly checking her phone 95% of the time you are together seems very rude and uncaring. Why be so cold just because she's been enjoying a new facet of her sexuality?
Maybe because you're being so patient, to the point of pretending everything is OK. I hear you say she is your whole life. This may have been a great anchor, this couple prominent behavior and belief, as you were in recovery together. Us against the world! The two of us can and will beat this! You don't want to drive her away, so you're letting her have her head here.
But now you've both evolved. Maybe she now finds the "we are our each others' whole lives" idea to be confining and outgrown. And that's OK, people are allowed to change as they grow older. But there are ways to gracefully inform our loved one(s) of our changes, and give them space to adapt. It's not all about you giving her space. She needs to give you space in return, lovingly and graciously. But if she thinks you're fine with all this: having an online gf, constantly sexy talking and sending nudes to several women, you won't get relief.
You can't force her to change. But you can speak your truth, using "I statements" and not accusations. Let her know you're overwhelmed with her attention constantly being elsewhere, and that you feel underserved sexually, since she seems to view it as a maintenance chore now and not a joy. Make your requests for different treatment.
But your gf's sudden interest in other women, and her obsessive phone behavior, are concerning. Selfishly checking her phone 95% of the time you are together seems very rude and uncaring. Why be so cold just because she's been enjoying a new facet of her sexuality?
Maybe because you're being so patient, to the point of pretending everything is OK. I hear you say she is your whole life. This may have been a great anchor, this couple prominent behavior and belief, as you were in recovery together. Us against the world! The two of us can and will beat this! You don't want to drive her away, so you're letting her have her head here.
But now you've both evolved. Maybe she now finds the "we are our each others' whole lives" idea to be confining and outgrown. And that's OK, people are allowed to change as they grow older. But there are ways to gracefully inform our loved one(s) of our changes, and give them space to adapt. It's not all about you giving her space. She needs to give you space in return, lovingly and graciously. But if she thinks you're fine with all this: having an online gf, constantly sexy talking and sending nudes to several women, you won't get relief.
You can't force her to change. But you can speak your truth, using "I statements" and not accusations. Let her know you're overwhelmed with her attention constantly being elsewhere, and that you feel underserved sexually, since she seems to view it as a maintenance chore now and not a joy. Make your requests for different treatment.
Hi Inzpash,
I'm very sorry to hear that your wife isn't willing to stop the online activity while you try to process things. It sounds like she isn't even willing to slow down. You said you were going to let things be for at least another week, then have another conversation. That sounds like a generally good idea. You can endure things the way they are for awhile longer, but you can't keep this up forever. Sooner or later you're going to reach the point where you say, "I can't do this anymore." Anyone would have a breaking point if they were in your shoes.
In the meantime, the best way I know of to endure all of this is to give voice to your feelings. Don't try to pretend all is well if it's not well. Tell your wife that you are struggling. And keep posting and reading on this forum, seek the variety of feedback and counsel available to you here, from people with an outside perspective on things. Also do it because it is cathartic to write down what you are thinking and how you feel. Give yourself a chance to release some of the tension.
I hope you and your wife won't have to break up over this, but, let's see what happens.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
I'm very sorry to hear that your wife isn't willing to stop the online activity while you try to process things. It sounds like she isn't even willing to slow down. You said you were going to let things be for at least another week, then have another conversation. That sounds like a generally good idea. You can endure things the way they are for awhile longer, but you can't keep this up forever. Sooner or later you're going to reach the point where you say, "I can't do this anymore." Anyone would have a breaking point if they were in your shoes.
In the meantime, the best way I know of to endure all of this is to give voice to your feelings. Don't try to pretend all is well if it's not well. Tell your wife that you are struggling. And keep posting and reading on this forum, seek the variety of feedback and counsel available to you here, from people with an outside perspective on things. Also do it because it is cathartic to write down what you are thinking and how you feel. Give yourself a chance to release some of the tension.
I hope you and your wife won't have to break up over this, but, let's see what happens.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
Thanks again everyone. Last night when we were laying in bed, she asked me if I was still awake, and said I want you to know that I really appreciate you and I know your trying really hard. I love you and appreciate everything you do. She has been having a really hard time as well. She soberly told me that her heart and her head were all messed up.
This made me feel happy for the first time in this last week. But she is still not willing to put down the phone. It is constant. Right now were sitting together outside and she has barley looked up from the phone, but to take a bite to eat...
Anyways please keep the support coming. Today had been the Brest day I have had since the beginning of this whole thing.
Thanks
This made me feel happy for the first time in this last week. But she is still not willing to put down the phone. It is constant. Right now were sitting together outside and she has barley looked up from the phone, but to take a bite to eat...
Anyways please keep the support coming. Today had been the Brest day I have had since the beginning of this whole thing.
Thanks
Ravenscroft
Banned
It's easy to ignore that "falling in love" is often just another form of addiction: NRE can be another drug to someone whose neuroreceptors are sensitized to the next big fix. Some studies have likened "falling in love" to cocaine.
You know the model. There's very little that YOU can do to stop someone else from backsliding. Until that person wakes up & recognizes the symptoms, it's going to go through the predictable pattern.
You know the model. There's very little that YOU can do to stop someone else from backsliding. Until that person wakes up & recognizes the symptoms, it's going to go through the predictable pattern.
Hi Inzpash, I'm glad you got a bit of a reprieve. For my own part, I think it's totally unacceptable that your wife is on her phone all the time. There should be times when her attention is focused on you. It's nice that she says she appreciates your efforts, but then she does nothing to make it easier for you. I think you can endure it for awhile, but at some point you'll probably say, "I can't do this anymore." I just hope her course of actions improves before then.
anamikanon
New member
This is not sounding good. This is sounding like she appreciates your efforts but not you. Your effort is to get over your hurt and accept her while she does what she wants.
It also sounds like you may not be asserting your boundaries. The status has changed. I will tell you how.
You have said you are not comfortable with this.
She has basically told you to get over it because she is going to do it anyway.
You've been upset over her neglecting you.
Now you are getting praise for dealing with it well.
She continues to neglect you.
In other words, she appears to have set the new norms for your marriage, where your consent does not matter.
This is open cheating. Not polyamory because a) polyAMORY is multiple LOVES and the love for you is definitely not manifesting. b) polyamory needs informed consent of all partners. Yours is missing and the situation is progressing without it.
In your place, I'd be having a serious talk about "Do you want our marriage to work?" And take it from there, if she does. State your requirements for attention and affection. Explicitly refuse consent to poly till the situation between the two of you is stable and loving and she asks for consent BEFORE engaging in new relationships - online/offline sexual/platonic is irrelevant. And that she may not proceed without consent.
Don't let your needs and consent be set aside in a marriage. This won't lead anywhere good.
It also sounds like you may not be asserting your boundaries. The status has changed. I will tell you how.
You have said you are not comfortable with this.
She has basically told you to get over it because she is going to do it anyway.
You've been upset over her neglecting you.
Now you are getting praise for dealing with it well.
She continues to neglect you.
In other words, she appears to have set the new norms for your marriage, where your consent does not matter.
This is open cheating. Not polyamory because a) polyAMORY is multiple LOVES and the love for you is definitely not manifesting. b) polyamory needs informed consent of all partners. Yours is missing and the situation is progressing without it.
In your place, I'd be having a serious talk about "Do you want our marriage to work?" And take it from there, if she does. State your requirements for attention and affection. Explicitly refuse consent to poly till the situation between the two of you is stable and loving and she asks for consent BEFORE engaging in new relationships - online/offline sexual/platonic is irrelevant. And that she may not proceed without consent.
Don't let your needs and consent be set aside in a marriage. This won't lead anywhere good.
Yah I had anothe horrible day today. Your right my needs are defiantly not being met, while I meet everyone of hers. I'm getting stepped all over and feeling the pain. This is such bullshit. I feel so heart broken. She is openly ignoring my feelings.
I'm begging to think there are some a actual metal health issues going on now. Some of the stuff she just said to me was totally off the wall. I love her dearly, and have a deep attachment to this relationship, but I can't go on much longer like this. It boggles my mind how everything was fine last month. Vacation to Mexico, and our anniversary. While she was always obsessed with her phone now she is obsessed with lesbians and lesbian groups. She is married to me a man, and she changed all of her statuses on Facebook, so people in her groups won't know she is married to a man. Openly right in front of me, sending sexy pictures to other women she doesn't know personally, who think she is a lesbian. Lol this is ridiculous. She is now so stubborn, and uncaring of how I feel.
I'm begging to think there are some a actual metal health issues going on now. Some of the stuff she just said to me was totally off the wall. I love her dearly, and have a deep attachment to this relationship, but I can't go on much longer like this. It boggles my mind how everything was fine last month. Vacation to Mexico, and our anniversary. While she was always obsessed with her phone now she is obsessed with lesbians and lesbian groups. She is married to me a man, and she changed all of her statuses on Facebook, so people in her groups won't know she is married to a man. Openly right in front of me, sending sexy pictures to other women she doesn't know personally, who think she is a lesbian. Lol this is ridiculous. She is now so stubborn, and uncaring of how I feel.
I'm sorry you had another bad day.
You wrote...
Well, you are about 3 days in. So almost half way through the week. You could make it to the end of the week and then talk to her. If she's still carrying on where your feelings are ignored while she does whatever she wants and you keep feeling stepped on all over and in pain? Heart broken?
Then you have to get firm.
Maybe you say something like "I love you. But I do not love THIS. And not even for you will I stay in something that hurts me. I need these off putting behaviors need to stop: (list them). Are you willing to stop doing that?
I need this behavior to start -- I need to see that you make a doc appointment for yourself for a check up to show that you are trying to work on this head/heart messed up thing. Are you willing to do that?
Otherwise, we need to part ways so you can do what you want and I can be free of misery."
Speak plain and lay all your cards on the table. Because it sounds like either she works on herself so she's not dinging you so you can be free of misery. Or you walk away so you can be free of misery.
You staying while she does off putting behavior? Keeps you in misery. Just more of same.
It is possible she was a great companion into sobriety but now once here... not so much. She's simple traded one addiction for another (phone addiction thing) and now this poor treatment of you.
I'm very sorry you deal in this.
Her ignoring your feelings and walking all over you while you watch her LIE to the online people that she's single... That's not great sounding. It's hard to admire or respect someone who chooses to behave toward people that way.
Galagirl
You wrote...
Well, you are about 3 days in. So almost half way through the week. You could make it to the end of the week and then talk to her. If she's still carrying on where your feelings are ignored while she does whatever she wants and you keep feeling stepped on all over and in pain? Heart broken?
Then you have to get firm.
Maybe you say something like "I love you. But I do not love THIS. And not even for you will I stay in something that hurts me. I need these off putting behaviors need to stop: (list them). Are you willing to stop doing that?
I need this behavior to start -- I need to see that you make a doc appointment for yourself for a check up to show that you are trying to work on this head/heart messed up thing. Are you willing to do that?
Otherwise, we need to part ways so you can do what you want and I can be free of misery."
Speak plain and lay all your cards on the table. Because it sounds like either she works on herself so she's not dinging you so you can be free of misery. Or you walk away so you can be free of misery.
You staying while she does off putting behavior? Keeps you in misery. Just more of same.
It is possible she was a great companion into sobriety but now once here... not so much. She's simple traded one addiction for another (phone addiction thing) and now this poor treatment of you.
I'm very sorry you deal in this.
Her ignoring your feelings and walking all over you while you watch her LIE to the online people that she's single... That's not great sounding. It's hard to admire or respect someone who chooses to behave toward people that way.Galagirl
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Hi Inzpash, sorry to hear you had another horrible day yesterday. I hope today is better. Have you reached your breaking point yet, or are you still enduring? Hopefully you'll both get feeling a little more stable so that you can have another conversation. Do you think therapy could help your wife?