It's a Texlahoma Story

It's a shame Andy takes it so personally, even when it's merely temporary!

I can understand his jealousy around Castle being there often to nurse you and do household work, but otoh he could just be grateful you're being well cared for! I can put myself in his place and understand how he might have both feelings at once to navigate.
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I'd be a little concerned about this. It's a little coincidental that since this cannot be the first time you did this and slept downstairs that Andy seems more out of sorts with it. I'd make sure having Castle in his face all the time is not bugging him more than he is letting on and that this tantrum or little pouting thing is not the tip of a larger iceberg.

Have your previous boyfriends been this in his face all the time. If so, then I'm probably totally wrong.
 
So true, Mags, about the separate room thing being common. Now that I think about it, I know lots of couples who have their own rooms, officially or unofficially.

Andy isn't even a cuddly sleeper, I'm the one who wants to be snuggled up all night, kind of ironic he's the one who's upset when I go sleep somewhere else :rolleyes:

sexyserb said:
I'd be a little concerned about this. It's a little coincidental that since this cannot be the first time you did this and slept downstairs that Andy seems more out of sorts with it.
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Oh, he's been out of sorts every time it's happened. He can suck it up for a night or two, but after that he gets weird.

I'd make sure having Castle in his face all the time is not bugging him more than he is letting on and that this tantrum or little pouting thing is not the tip of a larger iceberg.

Have your previous boyfriends been this in his face all the time. If so, then I'm probably totally wrong.
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That's a good point, and I will check in with him about it. In the past he has strongly preferred my boyfriends to hang out with him and do the whole "kitchen table poly" thing. (While I'm like, leave me the fuck alone when it comes to his friend-girls!) Andy occasionally worries about being left out, left behind, rejected, disliked ... It bugs him to think my boyfriend might be trying to pretend I'm single or wishes I was. He typically feels fine as long as I'm dating someone who will at least hang around and make small talk once in a while.

But Castle has been here a ton, and even though the two guys have rarely been here at the same time - usually Castle comes and goes while Andy is at work, they've spent maybe an hour together this week - it's still different from our norm. Definitely far more "extra person here", While usually it's just Andy or me being gone some evenings.
 
It's been a week, and my sprained ankle has not miraculously healed, and that frustrates the shit out of me... But other than that it was a really good weekend. Things feel MUCH better with Andy, now that I'm sleeping in our bed again. I've also been making more of an effort to do stuff together even if it's just laundry or hanging out while he works on my truck. Also got some good Castle time on Saturday afternoon.

Probably the hardest part of poly for me - at least on the having multiple partners myself side - is finding the time and energy to give to two relationships. Being injured makes that damn near impossible. I'm so tired that even when I'm with one of my guys, I'm zoned out half the time, and that really takes its toll. I'm starting to almost feel human again so fingers crossed I will have a little more energy and focus this week.

I was annoyed with Castle for the first time ever - probably a good thing, if we never disagreed or got pissed off it would be creepy! All week he had been trying to make me rest, not letting me do anything, getting on my case for even trying to go grocery shopping. Then Saturday he wanted to go to a concert - a standing room only concert, in an area with no decent parking, that would go late into the night. "We'll find you a bench or something!" Dude, seriously ??? If anyone else has suggested I go to that concert he would have wanted to kick their butt. When it's something he really wants, though... :rolleyes: I finally just said flat out that I wasn't up to it, and if i went,I'd be miserable. He pouted but eventually got over it. Normal couple stuff, it's just kinda funny to be reaching that point with him.
 
It's been forever since I've posted anything, so obviously life has been going smoothly :p

Andy is all work, work, work... If he's home he's usually on two conference calls at once. Our anniversary was this week, and he managed to come home for dinner (!!!) then passed out on the sofa for a couple of hours before getting up to work more. But when we do get time together things are great.

Castle... Where do I start. The last couple of weeks have been awesome. We had a really good talk one day - he mentioned that he always feels like he's "waiting for the hammer to drop" and I was like, huh? He meant that he worries Andy will decide one day that he wants to go back to monogamy, or just dislikes Castle, and I'll dump Castle out of the blue. So I got a chance to tell him, no, that's not how it works for me. I love Andy, so of course if he's unhappy I'm going to listen and try to find ways to improve things. But Castle is waaaay past being a casual fling, and I'd fight long and hard to keep both guys in my life.

Then this week, Castle's wife is in town:cool: I'm feeling the shitty "put on a shelf" feelings. DADT sucks. It's even worse with Castle than it was with Dag. Dag and his wife were uninvolved enough that she didn't care if he was on his phone all night or out late. Castle and his wife are happy and do stuff together - which means I don't even hear from him all day.

That's not going to work for me long term, if they both move here. Which Castle knows, we've talked about it. He's said that he would work to move their DADT to something more like what Andy and I have... No details, no having to all be besties, but being able to say, "I'm going to hang out with Claire, be home around 11" .

Except, some things he has told me about Wifey make me incredibly worried about the potential for drama. It's not the bat-shit crazy of my family, but it's not stuff that screams emotionally mature, either. Think holding grudges for decades over petty things, and throwing someone's clothes out on the front lawn during a fight, and following your ex around town to see what his date looks like. I get that I am far on the passive, quiet, hold it in side of things, but ... That stuff freaks me out. I have zero willingness to work through anything with anyone who's volatile.

So I'm torn. I love him. I love being in a relationship with him. Part of me wants to stick it out and see if he and Wifey can make a more open thing work. The other part of me is just saying, end it before shit goes off the rails. And I don't feel like I can talk to him about it, that's the worst part. I don't want to come across as trashing his wife, or trying to manipulate him with "threats" of breaking up.

:confused:
 
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GirlFromTexlahoma said:
He's said that he would work to move their DADT to something more like what Andy and I have... No details, no having to all be besties, but being able to say, "I'm going to hang out with Claire, be home around 11" .
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It seems reasonable to me to ask him to sort this out before they decide on the move.
If he's moving partly because of you, and intends to have something more open, she should know that this is the case.
Also, if drama surfaces after he asks for more open, it's gonna be drama in another city.
Let him demonstrate that he can say "I am calling claire now" at home before they move, if that's the model he wants.
 
It seems reasonable to me to ask him to sort this out before they decide on the move.
If he's moving partly because of you, and intends to have something more open, she should know that this is the case.
Also, if drama surfaces after he asks for more open, it's gonna be drama in another city.
Let him demonstrate that he can say "I am calling claire now" at home before they move, if that's the model he wants.
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Claire, pretty good advice here. So Castle is supposedly moving to a location not absolutely necessary for his job partly because of you and his wife is clueless??? Seems like they are already in DADT, which is obviously a hell of a lot easier when she is hours on a plane away.
I would also insist on knowing what his plan is and expecting him to show you its real before it gets any more uncomfortable for you.
I guess if his wife does not move there you are OK. So what is the status of that??? or percentages???

Its seems obvious right now you are spending more quality time with Castle than Andy and unless his wife buys in how you get that to continue will be a real good trick if you can pull it off.

Like Tinwen said, its time for him to clue wifey in on who you are.
 
I guess what I wanted to say is, your anxiety seems totally warranted. Not a crazy competitive mind thing.

They have DADT, so you don't hear from him all day if she's around. She's moving to town. => Of course you're worried if will be hard to get time together. Your relationship could end right there. Of course you're worried.
She's likely insecure or jealous (that's why they have DADT). => Of course you're worried that changing to something more open will be difficult. Might be feasible, but might be wishful thinking. Add in that your relationships has already progressed without her knowledge - she may be very easily (and unpleasantly) surprised how deep. Doesn't sound like great odds. Of course you're worried.

Now, worrying, although natural, is not productive, and can be best combatted by action (once you manage to stop being paralyzed). That's why I suggested getting on with the plan. At least it will show you which worries are real.
 
I know you guys are right, and that it makes sense to deal with the situation sooner rather than later. But.. I guess I'm not quite sure yet if "deal with it" is preferable to "break up before Wifey moves here".

Because, really, the chances of this working out seem slim. Very slim. Like, close to zero slim. Wifey wanted a strict DADT. I'm not going to be able to live with that if they're together full time. (If only because it drives me nuts to have to reschedule or cancel plans, and DADT means that Castle won't be able to say, "sorry I can't do x, I made plans with Claire", he'll have to cancel with me. Dag all over again. )

Wifey might well freak out about how intense things have become between me and Castle. Or, and I know this sounds conceited but it's a thing, she might get weird about the fact that I am 15 years younger than her. Or a size 4 while she struggles with having gained a lot of menopause weight. Or hell, she might get upset over something I haven't even thought of yet.

And if things don't work out, the chances of things going really badly for Castle are real. Wifey could divorce him, take half of everything he has, never let him see his stepkids again. Maybe that's me being paranoid, but stuff like that happens.

So I guess the heart to heart I need to have with Castle is whether it's worth it to try staying together when they move. I would be ok just being friends, if that's the best thing for him. Maybe it would be better for him to find someone who's ok with casual and DADT. Or maybe he would rather negotiate the "DADT isn't working, what can we try?" convo with Wifey without me waiting on the wings, creating pressure.

But damn, it's going to be hard, that talk. He sends sweet "I love you" texts every few hours, just because he knows I need to hear it even more when we're apart. Best boyfriend ever. Love that man.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
So I guess the heart to heart I need to have with Castle is whether it's worth it to try staying together when they move. I would be ok just being friends, if that's the best thing for him. Maybe it would be better for him to find someone who's ok with casual and DADT. Or maybe he would rather negotiate the "DADT isn't working, what can we try?" convo with Wifey without me waiting on the wings, creating pressure.
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You're a very brave woman.
 
I had that heart to heart with Castle yesterday. And about a dozen others. I feel sooooo much better.

Things started off weird - I met him at his place, while his wife was out talking to people about work/school opportunities for her here... It was just completely fucking weirding me out to be in the home where she's staying and her having no idea. Castle started kissing me and I burst into tears, felt awful, like his mistress. And then he felt awful, and hugged me, calmed me down, and was like, ok, you're not comfortable here, let's go out.

We sat outside at a bar down the street, and I basically just spewed all my emotional crap (which I'm sure was entertaining for everyone else eating there, lol). That I feel like we're in a no win situation, where I can't stay in a DADT, and telling his wife seems like inviting disaster. Except I'm me, so I didn't just cry or ramble, I had this long monologue that actually cited sources about the effects of divorce on kids and divorce laws in his home state.

When I was done... Well, ok, when I paused for air and he managed to get a word in... Castle basically told me, in the kindest and most loving way possible, to a) calm the fuck down and b) butt out. He said he loved me for caring so much about his family, and for my amazing recall of random esoteric torts, but he is a grown up and this is his shit to worry about, not mine. He's not unaware of any of this, he's just working really hard to not dump it on me. He's going to talk to his wife and explain that a super strict DADT isn t working, and come up with something that does give him time with me. I asked what he was going to do if Wifey blew up, and he said, "Wifey and I will work it out, or we won't. I can't be in a marriage that doesn't work for me, and part of that is being able to be with you."

Eventually we went out to the lake by his house and sat on the dock, talked some more, held each other, just reconnected. I kept reminding him to take care of his own needs in all this, and think about what's good for him... And he said that I was what he needed, and I was good for him. Awww :eek:

So we are in a good place, even though he and Wifey head out of town again tomorrow and I won't see him until next week.
 
Awww, Claire, I'm so glad you opened up about your worries and he said all the right things.
 
He really did, i mean if I didn't *know* the man I'd think he was just saying what I wanted to hear. But I do know him, and I know this situation is harder on him than on me.

Like today... Castle was going to come by and bring back some stuff he'd borrowed before they go out of town. But Wifey was over an hour late getting back from her lunch, so they were late getting the rest of their afternoon done, and he ended up not having time :( If he'd been able to be up front, he probably could have skipped their afternoon errands and come over, but... yeah. He was upset, because he's like me, rigid with schedules and hates letting people down. I kinda saw it coming and wasn't that upset. He has told me a million times that Wifey is late for everything and always changing plans. So, today, whatever. The entire rest of our relationship? Not gonna work.

I'm glad Castle has been thinking about this stuff, too, that it's not just me. And I really needed to hear that this wasn't my problem, either in the sense of having caused it or needing to fix it. It's pretty damn awesome to be dating someone who's emotionally mature and has self awareness! He was clear that Wifey had agreed to open up, that if she hadn't, they probably would have split by now, and that dealing with the open relationship is absolutely a condition of their making the marriage work. That if it wasn't me, it would be someone else, that this wasn't a *Claire* issue, it was a *Castle wants an open marriage* issue.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared shitless of how this will play out. Wifey wanted no disruption to their lives, and probably expected him to have hook ups or casual fuck buddies, I doubt she's going to like hearing he spends time almost every day with his girlfriend. But I need to trust Castle to deal with it.
 
Claire,

I have followed your blog and one thing that you have not mentioned is what Castle tells you about what if anything he knows about anything his wife has been doing. Apparently, it appears she agreed to opening the relationship on a DADT basis. I did that but that became impossible to continue when my husband stopped all business travel to speak of.

I think her reaction and Castle's issue to deal with is going to be affected by what she has done with other guys. If she moves to Texas, then her other relationships automatically become LDR that may or may not continue. So a big question is what her reaction is going to be if as you say she assumed Castle was only having hooks ups. And if they agreed to that as a condition of opening up, I would not expect a great reaction from her.

It appears he is telling you he will leave her if she does not accept his terms once he tells her. I would just be cautious and not bet the ranch on that one.
It wouldn't be the first time a man has decided to not do what he wants once faced with the financial and family aspects of a divorce.

Right now, to an outsider reading what you write, it seems like you are more invested sexually and emotionally with Castle than Andy. I'm guessing Andy must realize that and be fine with it but it will be also interesting to see his reaction if Castle moves permanently to Texas and you start spending more and more time with him.

Theres a lot of moving parts here it seems. There is no way you are going to get what you want in a DADT arrangement of his with wifey living there. I know you know that and I know he says its his problem, which it is because my guess is his wife has no clue what is headed her way. It will be very enlightening to see what she has been up to while he has been seeing you. My guess is is she is suddenly without boyfriends or never saw anyone else even though she could have, that Castle is in for some rough sledding.
 
I got sent straight home from work this morning - I'm sick sick sick. Not surprised, since a kid puked on me yesterday :rolleyes:

@sexyserb... I know I write much more about Castle than Andy, but that's just because there's uncertainty and anxiety around Castle, and rarely any at all in my marriage. I'm not sure how far back in this blog you've read, but I've had several long term boyfriends come and go. They're great (well most of them lol) but they're not Andy. They're not my husband. Andy is my rock, my center, my home. The one person in the world I can count on, the one person I know will be my best friend for life.

I probably do take him for granted sometimes, as he does me. But we still kiss and cuddle and hold each other every single day. We make time to tell each other how lucky we are, how much we love each other, how much we like and respect each other, every single day.

We just don't have sex of the kind that satisfies me, because he has no desire for that. And that's ok. I do want sex, good-for-me sex, but I don't need it to be with Andy to consider him the love of my life. He doesn't need me to be monogamous to love me and be happy in our marriage.

As for Castle ... I do get that things between us may end if he tells Wifey about me. I'll miss him, hell, I'll be heartbroken, but I'll survive. I'll move on. I'll still have Andy, my friends, my life, and eventually I'll find another boyfriend if I want one.

I haven't talked about his wife or their arrangement, mostly because it really is none of my business. But the short version is that his wife lost all interest in sex when she went through menopause a couple of years ago, and told him to feel free to sleep with others. Castle didn't act on it until they were living apart this spring, because he felt uncomfortable lying and sneaking around in order to stick to the DaDT. So, I don't think she's "dating", but (like me and Andy) they have close friends of both sexes. And how will she feel that her husband has a girlfriend? I have no idea.

For now I'm just enjoying life with Castle in the moment, because I don't know what the future holds... But I do know he's awesome and I want to cherish whatever time together we have.
 
Claire,

It's wonderful you have been able to maintain this closeness with Andy and not let all these boyfriends ruin that. I'm not sure how you pull it off. Never was an option for me.

I hope Castle turns out to be as committed as you think.
 
sexyserb said:
Claire,

It's wonderful you have been able to maintain this closeness with Andy and not let all these boyfriends ruin that. I'm not sure how you pull it off. Never was an option for me.
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It just works with us, I guess... We are damn lucky and I know that. But we've had a lot of practice, too. For our entire relationship he has spent time with Steph, sometimes multiple nights a week, sometimes week long trips sharing a hotel room. So the idea that one of us having another really important person in our lives doesn't hurt our marriage, that's just how we have always been.

But you know, I read your posts, and I wonder how you pulled off having all that fun and not getting attached and/or obsessed with the men you dated. I simply can't do that. It's not even that I get attached after sex, although I do... It's also like I can't even desire sex until I'm already attached to someone :cool: Every time I'm dating, I swear I'll stick to casual fwbs, and fail miserably. I can't summon any enthusiasm for casual, and I can't enjoy it and can't handle it when I do try.

I hope Castle turns out to be as committed as you think.
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Me too. He's truly amazing. I really hope he and Wifey can work through this, because I don't want to lose him, and I also don't want him to lose anyone else he loves.
 
Claire,

I had to laugh a bit when you talked about the men I “dated”. LOL. I really didn’t date like you do. I fucked them period. Closest I came to real involvement was with airline pilot who was LDR who I saw when he had overnights in my city when Hero was not there. But he also was one who tried to pressure me into doing stuff like parading out in public that was an ironclad no no. I would not be married today if any of Hero’s business associates or our friends saw me out and about with another man. I think that is one thing that grounded me was that unlike some situations on this board, I truly believed that I was not going to be changing the rules and have my husband struggle and suck it up any more than he was. He would cut me loose and I knew it. There are a couple of situation now I see here where guys are getting jerked around like yo you and putting up with it. No option for me.

You are leading what I would call a truly polyamorous life successfully. Just my opinion, but I think your struggles are because you are really deep down monogamous but your sexual problems with Andy lead you to others. Maybe I’m wrong, but it does not seem to me that if Andy devoted what you consider propor amount of time and lite your fuse like a firecracker in the bedroom that you would be wanting to “date”. But you are doing a great job.
 
Life is blissfully back to "normal"... I'm up at the lake place right now with Castle, sitting outside and goofing around while he does school stuff. We will go home tonight, and this weekend I'll be back up here with Andy. The biggest stress in my life is weekend schedules - it's the perfect time of year to be up here with Andy all weekend, but there are also a dozen events in town I'd love to do with Castle.

Ho hum boring poly life ;)
 
I miss Castle. Just miss him. After only a day without seeing him. I miss his voice, his smile, his smell, his warmth, the feel of his skin. I want to be next to him and soak up his Castle-ness. This is the shitty part of having two relationships. The missing part.
 
God, what a shit day. I have to go with Andy to the eye doctor today, and he's dreading it, and that makes me dread it, and we were both up all night stressed out.

On top of that, Castle was stressing this morning about our age difference. Like, someday I will feel obligated to take care of him, and resent him for it :confused: Which is... Not likely. I mean, I'm a caregiver type, but I'm not a martyr. If I'm taking care of him when he's 90 and falling apart, it will be because I WANT to. Funny that the way I got through to him was to point out that if I was truly a self sacrificing martyr, I wouldn't even know him. I'd have simply resigned myself to an unsatisfying sex life and still be monogamous.

I didn't say it to him, but the other thought in my head was, what are the chances we'll make it that far? I can't imagine us a year from now, with all the unknowns surrounding his marriage and their DADT. Even if that sorts out, there will still be endless struggles of balancing time. That has eventually killed all of my previous outside relationships, the push and pull of someone always feeling neglected.
 
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