It's a Texlahoma Story
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GirlFromTexlahoma
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I'm sitting here looking at Castle's car parked in my driveway - he left it here while he's back home for the week. Kind of a nice reminder that he's in my life, even though tonight he's camping with his wife and stepdaughter and out of cell range 
Getting to drive him to the airport felt sweet and domestic ... Not that I don't get plenty of that already with him! After only a couple of months, I'm as comfortable sleeping next to him as I am next to Andy.
This whole relationship is just... Well, it's amazing. And it's turning everything I thought I felt about poly inside out and upside down.
Except - it doesn't feel "poly"???? I feel like I have a monogamous life partner thing with Andy, and a monogamous boyfriend -girlfriend -passionate sex- thing with Castle. I still can't imagine doing any sort of life entanglement stuff with anyone except my husband. I still have an incredibly hard time being sexual with more than one partner. I'm just cool with that, right now. I'm not looking to some future white picket fence relationship with Castle. I'm not forcing myself to feel sexual with Andy. I'm enjoying each relationship for what it is, not stressing because there are missing pieces from each.
Getting to drive him to the airport felt sweet and domestic ... Not that I don't get plenty of that already with him! After only a couple of months, I'm as comfortable sleeping next to him as I am next to Andy. This whole relationship is just... Well, it's amazing. And it's turning everything I thought I felt about poly inside out and upside down.
Except - it doesn't feel "poly"???? I feel like I have a monogamous life partner thing with Andy, and a monogamous boyfriend -girlfriend -passionate sex- thing with Castle. I still can't imagine doing any sort of life entanglement stuff with anyone except my husband. I still have an incredibly hard time being sexual with more than one partner. I'm just cool with that, right now. I'm not looking to some future white picket fence relationship with Castle. I'm not forcing myself to feel sexual with Andy. I'm enjoying each relationship for what it is, not stressing because there are missing pieces from each.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Well, I managed to be zen and happy with poly for, what, 6 weeks? Tonight I just feel like everything is falling apart. It's not even poly, it's the distance - or maybe the combination. Who knows.
I have been having a crap night in general, and then Castle sends me pics of himself and his family on vacation, and - boom, I feel like punching something. Why do random pictures bother me so fucking much? Plus he's texting endless I -miss -you messages, but when I tried to talk about my night he was like, hang in there!!! and vanished. Ugh.
I get it, he's busy with his family. No way on earth would I have initiated a real conversation tonight! A quick, no reply needed hi at most. But when he was texting for 30 minutes, I figured it was ok, and then he's checked out.
Honestly, there's probably no way I could do a LDR. I'm just not wired for it. I get so much happy love energy from in-person time, and next to none from texts or phone calls. Right now, this feels like the Dag days, trying (and failing) to stay connected when we the time together is insufficient. Feeling shittier about the relationship with every day that passes without seeing each other. I swear sometimes I'd be happier not even trying to keep up with each other over more than a few days apart.
I'm not going to make any decisions when I'm this upset, but I'm writing this now so I can't gloss it over and imagine it was easy having him hundreds of miles away.
Tonight I just feel like everything is falling apart. It's not even poly, it's the distance - or maybe the combination. Who knows. I have been having a crap night in general, and then Castle sends me pics of himself and his family on vacation, and - boom, I feel like punching something. Why do random pictures bother me so fucking much? Plus he's texting endless I -miss -you messages, but when I tried to talk about my night he was like, hang in there!!! and vanished. Ugh.
I get it, he's busy with his family. No way on earth would I have initiated a real conversation tonight! A quick, no reply needed hi at most. But when he was texting for 30 minutes, I figured it was ok, and then he's checked out.
Honestly, there's probably no way I could do a LDR. I'm just not wired for it. I get so much happy love energy from in-person time, and next to none from texts or phone calls. Right now, this feels like the Dag days, trying (and failing) to stay connected when we the time together is insufficient. Feeling shittier about the relationship with every day that passes without seeing each other. I swear sometimes I'd be happier not even trying to keep up with each other over more than a few days apart.
I'm not going to make any decisions when I'm this upset, but I'm writing this now so I can't gloss it over and imagine it was easy having him hundreds of miles away.
Actually, you could try this next time. He's gone for a week? Ok, you imagine you have no boyfriend. Can't go more wrong than what is now...
Hope you're better already
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Actually, you could try this next time. He's gone for a week? Ok, you imagine you have no boyfriend. Can't go more wrong than what is now...
Hope you're better already
Actually this is kind of what I did today, and it did help! Not exactly pretend I had no boyfriend, but not bother trying to feel close and connected. Focus on my own stuff, have a me day. Painted my nails, bought some new makeup, got my hair cut and colored, did yoga, read a book. It felt nice.
Then Castle texts a ton, says he's going crazy not talking to me, so we texted for a bit... But I could tell he had other stuff going on and was not really engaged.
It's like, I enjoy having an actual conversation over text. And I am happy to use it to pass along information (cool restaurant we should try, what time I'm off work, etc.) But the whole "here's me, doing something!" pic stuff, or the hourly updates like "finished the yard work, going out to dinner"... That stuff makes me feel *distant*, not close . It's like Facebook. It's not connecting. For me, anyway. Dag lived for that shit, and it seems like Castle does too. Ugh.
When he gets back I'm going to have to bring this up. I already did, once, but in the context of why things didn't work with Dag, not in relation to us. I tried to explain that text/phone/skype stuff doesn't at all substitute for time together to me, but I guess I didn't say that it also makes not seeing each other worse. Or he forgot, we were a little drunk during that conversation.
Anyway. I'm trying to chill out about it and not feel pressured to do the whole text-text-text thing. Because if I keep trying I'm going to end up pissed off by the time he gets back
Spork
Active member
Here's a thought...
You know about Love Languages right? Well, my top one being Words of Affirmation...if I were apart from a lover, they could keep me feeling happy and connected by sharing words. The right words put me over the moon. The wrong words (a cold tone, or a misspoken phrase) can make me question everything. So there is the positive AND the negative of my top LL. Basically that one thing has a lot of power to influence how I feel in a relationship.
My bottom of the list LL are gifts and acts of service, and those are actually sometimes more likely to make me feel bad, obligated, worrying about keeping score, etc. Especially if done with extravagance.
So here is how I'm seeing this relate to YOU. I would guess that Quality Time ranks HIGH for you. QT with you makes you feel connected. Knowing your partner is doing QT with others makes you unhappy. You'd rather have radio silence than the negative poke of hearing about his QT with his family. Words probably not high on your list, I would guess. Maybe higher on his, since he seems to feel like communication of any sort makes him feel more connected to you.
Thinking of it this way and later perhaps talking about it, might help you two get closer to the same page on how to handle one another lovingly in certain situations. ??
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. This thing seems too good to just flip the switch on just because you've hit a speedbump. Just my advice.
You know about Love Languages right? Well, my top one being Words of Affirmation...if I were apart from a lover, they could keep me feeling happy and connected by sharing words. The right words put me over the moon. The wrong words (a cold tone, or a misspoken phrase) can make me question everything. So there is the positive AND the negative of my top LL. Basically that one thing has a lot of power to influence how I feel in a relationship.
My bottom of the list LL are gifts and acts of service, and those are actually sometimes more likely to make me feel bad, obligated, worrying about keeping score, etc. Especially if done with extravagance.
So here is how I'm seeing this relate to YOU. I would guess that Quality Time ranks HIGH for you. QT with you makes you feel connected. Knowing your partner is doing QT with others makes you unhappy. You'd rather have radio silence than the negative poke of hearing about his QT with his family. Words probably not high on your list, I would guess. Maybe higher on his, since he seems to feel like communication of any sort makes him feel more connected to you.
Thinking of it this way and later perhaps talking about it, might help you two get closer to the same page on how to handle one another lovingly in certain situations. ??
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. This thing seems too good to just flip the switch on just because you've hit a speedbump. Just my advice.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Words were actually my top love language when I took the quiz years ago... But I think the Dag experience messed with that His words did not match his actions, and eventually I started to believe "talk is cheap". Now when Castle says he misses me, my gut reaction is to see the words as scraps he's throwing my way to avoid having to put in actual effort.
And that's unfair. Castle isn't Dag. This relationship isn't that relationship. I know that, but... The heart takes a while to bounce back, I guess.
These last few days have been a good opportunity to really face my fears, though. Dig down and say, what hurts me about that? why is that scary?
I think I've talked about this before, but I never had the "typical" new-to-poly fear that my partner would meet someone better and leave me. One, it seemed like that was just as likely (if not more so!) in a monogamous relationship. Two, a breakup would be awful and painful but survivable. Even if Andy left me, i would still be ok. It would hurt and I would be sad and angry, but I wouldn't die, you know? So I never felt that particular fear.
Yet there was, and still is, so much anxiety and fear around poly, and it's always been sort of nebulous and hard to explain. I looked back and it has come out before in this blog as "my partner will talk about me with his other partners" and "my partner will like his other partner better but not break up with me". I'm still searching for the right words to explain it, but...
Did you ever have a back-up friend? One who you didn't really care about that much but they were always free, or always had money to go out, or would go along with whatever you wanted to do? So you'd do stuff with them when your real friends were busy... Invite them to things occasionally... Basically give the "friendship" just enough effort to keep them around when you were bored?
Or did you ever know someone who has that one sure thing booty call? They would never publicly date the person, they'd only hit them up if they had no better options that night, but there was Mr. or Ms. Booty Call, always waiting by the phone.
My ultimate fear is being the girlfriend version of the back-up friend or the sure-thing booty call.
Like, what if my boyfriend mentally ranks his partners, and I'm last? Even worse, what if everyone knows that but me? What if they're all snickering behind my back that I'm head over heels in love with this guy who doesn't care that much? What if he's just keeping me around because it doesn't cost him anything so why not?
I never worried about that in mono relationships because... Well, if you only get ONE partner, you're going to choose someone you like. As long as I was the official public girlfriend - and later, wife - I figured my guy actually wanted me. But poly - there's nothing stopping anyone from having all the partners they want, so why wouldn't they keep a few "spares" around?
So that's my fear. The fear that gets triggered when I see my partners spending lots of time and energy on their other relationships. That I am just the bottom of the heap, not worth the effort, in-case-of-emergency girlfriend. One who can be kept on a string with a few texts here and there.
It's irrational. Mostly. I think there are probably people who do that. But I don't think Castle is one of them, honestly I don't think Dag was, either. They are both just dudes who occasionally do fun things with their wives. So I am trying to just sit with the anxious feelings and remind myself that very few people (outside of high school kids and my batshit crazy evil relatives, anyway) spend much of their time conspiring and laughing behind others' backs.
His words did not match his actions, and eventually I started to believe "talk is cheap". Now when Castle says he misses me, my gut reaction is to see the words as scraps he's throwing my way to avoid having to put in actual effort. And that's unfair. Castle isn't Dag. This relationship isn't that relationship. I know that, but... The heart takes a while to bounce back, I guess.
These last few days have been a good opportunity to really face my fears, though. Dig down and say, what hurts me about that? why is that scary?
I think I've talked about this before, but I never had the "typical" new-to-poly fear that my partner would meet someone better and leave me. One, it seemed like that was just as likely (if not more so!) in a monogamous relationship. Two, a breakup would be awful and painful but survivable. Even if Andy left me, i would still be ok. It would hurt and I would be sad and angry, but I wouldn't die, you know? So I never felt that particular fear.
Yet there was, and still is, so much anxiety and fear around poly, and it's always been sort of nebulous and hard to explain. I looked back and it has come out before in this blog as "my partner will talk about me with his other partners" and "my partner will like his other partner better but not break up with me". I'm still searching for the right words to explain it, but...
Did you ever have a back-up friend? One who you didn't really care about that much but they were always free, or always had money to go out, or would go along with whatever you wanted to do? So you'd do stuff with them when your real friends were busy... Invite them to things occasionally... Basically give the "friendship" just enough effort to keep them around when you were bored?
Or did you ever know someone who has that one sure thing booty call? They would never publicly date the person, they'd only hit them up if they had no better options that night, but there was Mr. or Ms. Booty Call, always waiting by the phone.
My ultimate fear is being the girlfriend version of the back-up friend or the sure-thing booty call.
Like, what if my boyfriend mentally ranks his partners, and I'm last? Even worse, what if everyone knows that but me? What if they're all snickering behind my back that I'm head over heels in love with this guy who doesn't care that much? What if he's just keeping me around because it doesn't cost him anything so why not?
I never worried about that in mono relationships because... Well, if you only get ONE partner, you're going to choose someone you like. As long as I was the official public girlfriend - and later, wife - I figured my guy actually wanted me. But poly - there's nothing stopping anyone from having all the partners they want, so why wouldn't they keep a few "spares" around?
So that's my fear. The fear that gets triggered when I see my partners spending lots of time and energy on their other relationships. That I am just the bottom of the heap, not worth the effort, in-case-of-emergency girlfriend. One who can be kept on a string with a few texts here and there.
It's irrational. Mostly. I think there are probably people who do that. But I don't think Castle is one of them, honestly I don't think Dag was, either. They are both just dudes who occasionally do fun things with their wives. So I am trying to just sit with the anxious feelings and remind myself that very few people (outside of high school kids and my batshit crazy evil relatives, anyway) spend much of their time conspiring and laughing behind others' backs.
Spork
Active member
I never had an emergency backup friend either. I understand paranoia about "they're talking about me" but in different context. It used to hit me in school as a teenager, but it's so much worse as an adult at work. I work in a big office full of people. They often have quiet (or not so quiet) conversations. There are days I'm afraid that my job is in peril and everybody knows but me, and those women over there whispering, or the person I just walked past in the hall KNOWS something I don't. It is irrational, but it tweaks me sometimes. I consider it a holdover from my days as an awkward and unliked middle school kid.
But I am rather ferociously defensive of my sexuality in that regard. I am who I am, I am a woman who loves good sex, and I will be damned if anyone makes me feel ashamed of that in any way. I don't care what anyone says or thinks.
I kind of struggle to really understand this feeling of competition you seem to have. But I've got my own insecurity and "comparison" triggers, they are just different from yours.
I have been the "sure thing booty call" girl before. And I knew it, and I let it be that way, because I enjoyed that person enough that I would take whatever they had to give. I knew the terms, I signed up for that. They weren't emotionally available enough to give me more. I preferred that over nothing at all. Sometimes it sucked when they ended the situation, either because they found someone they wanted to be more relationshippy with or because they were spooked by my feelings. But those experiences and memories were good ones, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I do not believe it makes you a sucker or less-than, even if it is exactly that.
I guess I get grouchy at this notion that a woman's sexual choices tie into her morality and her value as a human being, or that under any circumstances should a woman be judged because she is enjoying sex under less than committed terms. If you're doing a thing that you're enjoying, and everyone is on board with the parameters of it, there should not be a problem. But that's just me?
But I am rather ferociously defensive of my sexuality in that regard. I am who I am, I am a woman who loves good sex, and I will be damned if anyone makes me feel ashamed of that in any way. I don't care what anyone says or thinks.
I kind of struggle to really understand this feeling of competition you seem to have. But I've got my own insecurity and "comparison" triggers, they are just different from yours.
I have been the "sure thing booty call" girl before. And I knew it, and I let it be that way, because I enjoyed that person enough that I would take whatever they had to give. I knew the terms, I signed up for that. They weren't emotionally available enough to give me more. I preferred that over nothing at all. Sometimes it sucked when they ended the situation, either because they found someone they wanted to be more relationshippy with or because they were spooked by my feelings. But those experiences and memories were good ones, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I do not believe it makes you a sucker or less-than, even if it is exactly that.
I guess I get grouchy at this notion that a woman's sexual choices tie into her morality and her value as a human being, or that under any circumstances should a woman be judged because she is enjoying sex under less than committed terms. If you're doing a thing that you're enjoying, and everyone is on board with the parameters of it, there should not be a problem. But that's just me?
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Well. Yes. I haven't done the back-up friend thing since college, when spending a Friday night alone was social suicide, but ... I still do the back-up date thing anytime I'm online dating. Anybody remember Clark
It's not even for sex, it's just the self esteem boost of having someone who's interested. So I'm definitely projecting my shitty behavior onto others. But I could still be right See, I read this and think, easy for you to say, in a mono(ish) relationship with Zen! Because who's going to judge you for enjoying sex with your committed exclusive boyfriend? I guess I still have a lot of internalized shame around being non-monogamous.
It's tough to be all "this is who I am, fuck anyone who doesn't like it!" when deep down I know it's not a situation I would have sought out. If Andy and I could have a satisfying sex life, I'd go back to monogamy in a heartbeat. But shit, it has been almost 5 years since we had piv sex, the only kind of sex that really works for me. Am I supposed to give up on that? Or leave a man I love with all my heart and truly believe is my soul mate?
So I do the best I can. When Castle is here, and I have him as my boyfriend and Andy as my life partner, things feel good. When Castle is away, though... Idk. Insecurity and shame creep in. I start to beat myself up, feel worthless, and at that point it's hard to believe anyone could truly value or care about me.
Spork
Active member
Well, (regarding my mono-ish 'ship w/ Zen) ...I was thinking more along the lines of when I was dating around, when I was casually in a FB situation with Worm King, then dating Analyst, then also Fire and Hefe, then Zen... I had four partners for about a year, and a few casual hookups before then. I felt really proud of the wealth of love in my life. And I have always (since I was 14 years old) felt completely entitled to pursue sexual gratification, and far more often than not I did so with no desire for commitment of any kind.
I don't feel more valuable at all for going mono with Zen. If anything, I feel restricted sometimes. Like if you were to go to a theme park and you're the only one who won't ride the rides. Like a vegan in a steakhouse. But then, I'm part of a big social group chock-full of poly people. So that has in a sense become my normal, and it was what felt natural to me from the very outset of my sexual beginnings anyhow. When I get into a relationship, suddenly I can't do things I might otherwise be free to choose to do. And the only reason why, is that someone else doesn't want me to.
I have to actively remind myself that I really don't have time for another relationship, and that the ONLY other male I would even be somewhat interested in hooking up with would be Worm King and he's no good for me anyhow. So I'm really not losing out on anything real.
Like I freely admit though, to anyone I feel like talking to, even people I barely know, that I've had 50 partners in my sexual history. This makes me feel like "man, I am lucky I've had such a wonderful richness of life history and memories." Not at all like I wasn't good enough for any of those to keep permanently or that I tried and failed 50 times. None of those things were supposed to last forever. And for the most part, with nearly all of them, if they had offered me a life-bond, I'd have turned them down.
I don't feel more valuable at all for going mono with Zen. If anything, I feel restricted sometimes. Like if you were to go to a theme park and you're the only one who won't ride the rides. Like a vegan in a steakhouse. But then, I'm part of a big social group chock-full of poly people. So that has in a sense become my normal, and it was what felt natural to me from the very outset of my sexual beginnings anyhow. When I get into a relationship, suddenly I can't do things I might otherwise be free to choose to do. And the only reason why, is that someone else doesn't want me to.
I have to actively remind myself that I really don't have time for another relationship, and that the ONLY other male I would even be somewhat interested in hooking up with would be Worm King and he's no good for me anyhow. So I'm really not losing out on anything real.
Like I freely admit though, to anyone I feel like talking to, even people I barely know, that I've had 50 partners in my sexual history. This makes me feel like "man, I am lucky I've had such a wonderful richness of life history and memories." Not at all like I wasn't good enough for any of those to keep permanently or that I tried and failed 50 times. None of those things were supposed to last forever. And for the most part, with nearly all of them, if they had offered me a life-bond, I'd have turned them down.
Spork
Active member
Thinking about this on my smoke break...I think we just come from very different perspectives. But I see a certain amount of self-judgment that makes me a little sad, if that makes sense? And that sense that you have something that makes you very happy, but you have trouble enjoying it because of some of the background programming you've got going on.
You're awesome, Claire. It would take an awful lot more than some guy, or the whisperings of any others, to change that.
You're awesome, Claire. It would take an awful lot more than some guy, or the whisperings of any others, to change that.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Sooooo... Picked my amazing guy up from the airport today, spent all afternoon in bed, then went out to dinner... And poof all my worries and anxieties are gone.
Why do I fall apart when I have to go more than a few days without seeing a partner? Because it's not just a castle thing, I did this rollercoaster with Dag, too. Ugh. I think I just invest too much of myself in relationships Not necessarily that I give too much, but I draw too much of my self worth - and sense of who I am, even - from partners.
Or maybe I'm just. that. needy.
Regarding the sex/commitment stuff...
Pre open marriage, I never slept with anyone I didn't think, at the time, would be my one and only forever partner. Since opening up, that's different, obviously. But I still have the hope that every guy I sleep with will be a deep, loving, lasting relationship. I kind of HAVE to think that, or I lose all interest in having sex.
Castle and I have talked a few times about how if circumstances were different, if we weren't already married to people we love, we would want to be together "for real". The whole sappy relationship escalator. And truly that is the thing that makes me feel the most loved. Knowing he would want to (at least try to) live together for the rest of our lives - THAT is sexy.
Why do I fall apart when I have to go more than a few days without seeing a partner? Because it's not just a castle thing, I did this rollercoaster with Dag, too. Ugh. I think I just invest too much of myself in relationships
Not necessarily that I give too much, but I draw too much of my self worth - and sense of who I am, even - from partners. Or maybe I'm just. that. needy.
Regarding the sex/commitment stuff...
Pre open marriage, I never slept with anyone I didn't think, at the time, would be my one and only forever partner. Since opening up, that's different, obviously. But I still have the hope that every guy I sleep with will be a deep, loving, lasting relationship. I kind of HAVE to think that, or I lose all interest in having sex.
Castle and I have talked a few times about how if circumstances were different, if we weren't already married to people we love, we would want to be together "for real". The whole sappy relationship escalator. And truly that is the thing that makes me feel the most loved. Knowing he would want to (at least try to) live together for the rest of our lives - THAT is sexy.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Crazy weekend - my friends K and R broke up then got back together, well sort of back together. I am trying to be a good friend to K by loving her and supporting her, but... When your best friend calls you in hysterical tears and tells you all the horrible things her fiance is saying, it's damn hard to cheer her on in trying to work things out with him.
Other than that little emotional roller coaster, life is good Castle continues to be beyond amazing. I didn't know it was possible to feel secure and loved like this with someone who's married to another person. You know what it is? He tells me all the time that he would love to live with me, spend our lives together, if circumstances were different. "Relationship escalator" really is my love language. And my definition of romantic love, the thing that separates "partner" from "friend". But it turns out that simply knowing we both would want it is enough.
Most valuable lesson ever, maybe. I spent so long feeling rejected by Dag because he insisted he was happy only seeing each other occasionally. To me that's ... Like saying I'm not good enough. If I was good enough, you'd want more. I know that not everyone (maybe not anyone, lol) sees life and love the way I do. But I can see, now, that if someone can't at least understand how I see it, and speak to that understanding, I'll never feel right in the relationship.
Other than that little emotional roller coaster, life is good
Castle continues to be beyond amazing. I didn't know it was possible to feel secure and loved like this with someone who's married to another person. You know what it is? He tells me all the time that he would love to live with me, spend our lives together, if circumstances were different. "Relationship escalator" really is my love language. And my definition of romantic love, the thing that separates "partner" from "friend". But it turns out that simply knowing we both would want it is enough. Most valuable lesson ever, maybe. I spent so long feeling rejected by Dag because he insisted he was happy only seeing each other occasionally. To me that's ... Like saying I'm not good enough. If I was good enough, you'd want more. I know that not everyone (maybe not anyone, lol) sees life and love the way I do. But I can see, now, that if someone can't at least understand how I see it, and speak to that understanding, I'll never feel right in the relationship.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
I am simply so head over heels madly in love with Castle that being away from him is physically painful. Which sounds all wonderful and romantic and all, but it seriously sucks when I have to squeeze in time with him around the rest of my life. I spent the night at his place Friday, left around 9 am, so it's been... 36 hours? And I'm, like, dying here.
Poly is hard. It's just hard. I don't have enough time with Castle. Because what would "enough" even look like? I want to wake up next to him every morning, come home to him every day, sleep curled against him every night. But I also want that stuff with Andy. Ugh. I don't know how to be ok with less than everything with either of them. And I'm EXHAUSTED. All the time. I barely sleep, trying to get plenty of time in with both of them and still manage work, taking care of my dogs, and some semblance of a social life.
It's worth it, to have Castle in my life. Absolutely. But I still wanna vent and complain once in a while
Poly is hard. It's just hard. I don't have enough time with Castle. Because what would "enough" even look like? I want to wake up next to him every morning, come home to him every day, sleep curled against him every night. But I also want that stuff with Andy. Ugh. I don't know how to be ok with less than everything with either of them. And I'm EXHAUSTED. All the time. I barely sleep, trying to get plenty of time in with both of them and still manage work, taking care of my dogs, and some semblance of a social life.
It's worth it, to have Castle in my life. Absolutely. But I still wanna vent and complain once in a while
Reverie
Active member
I am going through the exact. same. shit. right now. It hurts from inside the heart, radiating all the way down through the bones. Owwww.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Yes yes yes. I left Castle's place about two hours ago and I'm already feeling it. In previous relationships I remember feeling sort of fulfilled and sated for a couple of days after time together ... Not with Castle. I just want to be with him all the damn time.
Of course, I miss Andy if I don't see him all day, too, so... fuck.
My life lately is get up at 5, walk dogs/take dogs to daycare, work until mid afternoon, drive to Castle's, spend a few hours there, drive home, spend a few hours with Andy, workout, crash around 11, sleep like the dead for 6 hours, repeat. Sometimes I have dinner with Castle, sometimes at home with Andy. Weekends I'm usually at the lake, and don't see Castle... If I'm sleeping over with Castle, I don't see Andy at all that day.
I miss everybody all the time. Including my friends, whom I never have time to see, and my dogs, who now think the staff at daycare is their real family. But it's not like I could give up either relationship. So I'm trying to get used to it. Hoping it eases with time - it hasn't even been 3 months with Castle yet. And hey, the insane amounts of crazy awesome sex almost make up for the sleep deprivation
I don't know if this helps you at all... it helps me some, when I am in the throes of NRE.
The longing to be with a new partner every damn minute is "just" hormonal. It's Nature with a capital N. It's not in your heart, really, that's just poetry. It is biology. It is just hormones whooshing around in your body and affecting your brain and your genitals. It's Nature, that desire to be together, that incredibly intense need to pair bond that Nature demands, which is for one reason: to get couples to trust, to build a stable relationship, to mate, to breed, to sustain the human species.
(And yes, Nature makes it so even if we are gay, or past the age for child-breeding, or fertile but living with the decision to be child-free, we still feel those strong desires to pair bond.)
I guess, over 9 years of being free to be poly, and previously, when I would get intense crushes on someone in my social circle, I have experienced this enough to be able to be slightly objective about it. I don't kowtow to it, I don't let it push me around to actually physically be with the new person super frequently, if it is having a detrimental effect on the rest of my life.
I am have learned to temper it, to continue to be able to take care of business, my nesting partner Pixi, friends, pets, housework, my kids, good friends. To be able to take care of myself, my health, nutrition, rest and sleep, exercise, intellectual stimulation, artistic expression, etc., etc.
In other words, I tell my hormones, You're not the boss of me!
I'm feeling it now after only 2 dates with the new man in my life. haha! He keeps popping up in my mind, and it seems it even disturbed my sleep last night. I saw him for the second time on Sunday night, and I WANT to see him today, but I am making myself wait til Friday. My health is still shaky and I don't think having the kind of vigorous sex we had Sunday night would be good for my body and my energy reserves! So I am just trying to enjoy thinking of him, remembering our dates, and waiting until an appropriate time to meet him again.
The longing to be with a new partner every damn minute is "just" hormonal. It's Nature with a capital N. It's not in your heart, really, that's just poetry. It is biology. It is just hormones whooshing around in your body and affecting your brain and your genitals. It's Nature, that desire to be together, that incredibly intense need to pair bond that Nature demands, which is for one reason: to get couples to trust, to build a stable relationship, to mate, to breed, to sustain the human species.
(And yes, Nature makes it so even if we are gay, or past the age for child-breeding, or fertile but living with the decision to be child-free, we still feel those strong desires to pair bond.)
I guess, over 9 years of being free to be poly, and previously, when I would get intense crushes on someone in my social circle, I have experienced this enough to be able to be slightly objective about it. I don't kowtow to it, I don't let it push me around to actually physically be with the new person super frequently, if it is having a detrimental effect on the rest of my life.
I am have learned to temper it, to continue to be able to take care of business, my nesting partner Pixi, friends, pets, housework, my kids, good friends. To be able to take care of myself, my health, nutrition, rest and sleep, exercise, intellectual stimulation, artistic expression, etc., etc.
In other words, I tell my hormones, You're not the boss of me!
I'm feeling it now after only 2 dates with the new man in my life. haha! He keeps popping up in my mind, and it seems it even disturbed my sleep last night. I saw him for the second time on Sunday night, and I WANT to see him today, but I am making myself wait til Friday. My health is still shaky and I don't think having the kind of vigorous sex we had Sunday night would be good for my body and my energy reserves! So I am just trying to enjoy thinking of him, remembering our dates, and waiting until an appropriate time to meet him again.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Thanks Mags, I really needed to read that today!
One of my dogs is sick, and because of that I'm going to miss 2 overnights with Castle... We were going to take the dogs to the lake, that's obviously out... and then next week we had planned a road trip, but if I can't board the dogs, I can't go And I really can't board them, since I'm 99% sure she's sick because they give her cheese no matter how many times I tell them not to
I'm sad and disappointed and irrationally angry at Andy - why can't he adjust his work schedule to take care of the dogs for 48 hours???? (Um, because it's not his job to make it possible for me to go on vacation with my boyfriend?)
Castle has been sooooo sweet and came over today to just hang out and help, and he will again tomorrow. So it's not like I'm not seeing him. I just have this feeling of missing out on stuff, missing out on chances to have more time with him. It's frustrating. It's anxiety-stirring. Even though it's silly. Even though I know it's just NRE.
One of my dogs is sick, and because of that I'm going to miss 2 overnights with Castle... We were going to take the dogs to the lake, that's obviously out... and then next week we had planned a road trip, but if I can't board the dogs, I can't go
And I really can't board them, since I'm 99% sure she's sick because they give her cheese no matter how many times I tell them not to I'm sad and disappointed and irrationally angry at Andy - why can't he adjust his work schedule to take care of the dogs for 48 hours???? (Um, because it's not his job to make it possible for me to go on vacation with my boyfriend?
) Castle has been sooooo sweet and came over today to just hang out and help, and he will again tomorrow. So it's not like I'm not seeing him. I just have this feeling of missing out on stuff, missing out on chances to have more time with him. It's frustrating. It's anxiety-stirring. Even though it's silly. Even though I know it's just NRE.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
My sweet doggy is finally feeling better, so I was able to leave her with Andy while he worked from home, and spend the afternoon and evening at Castle's place. It felt soooo nice to get real time with him, not just a rushed few hours. It's crazy, if you'd asked me before I met him, I would have laughed at the idea of wanting to see a guy every day. And now, I don't just want it, I need it, or at least it feels that way.
You know what's really cool? I can talk to him about that. About anything and everything. About how crazy weird it is to be this in love while we're married to other people. About how perfect we are together and how almost creepy that is. About how things could play out in the future, if he is on the east coast and I'm here, or if he and his wife move back to texas full time.
I think I blog here much less, not just because I'm happy, but because I do all my thinking out loud and squeeing and daydreaming and processing with Castle. There's just not much left to churn over, honestly.
You know what's really cool? I can talk to him about that. About anything and everything. About how crazy weird it is to be this in love while we're married to other people. About how perfect we are together and how almost creepy that is. About how things could play out in the future, if he is on the east coast and I'm here, or if he and his wife move back to texas full time.
I think I blog here much less, not just because I'm happy, but because I do all my thinking out loud and squeeing and daydreaming and processing with Castle. There's just not much left to churn over, honestly.