It's a Texlahoma Story

I don't understand why your so-called rational brain is telling you you "should" be happy with the first category when Castle is what really rocks your world.

Sounds like Andy is working so hard lately, you barely see him, even on vacation. Sex with him is unsatisfying too.

Castle provides intense attention and good (great?) sex. And no pesky wife or gf just nearby either! He's practically single. It's fine to like the uncomplicated benefits of that. And he's got friends, family, nearby, so it's not like he's 100% needy and codependent on you either.

Yes, you're in NRE. Enjoy it. Protect your heart, just in case Mr Perfect turns out to be not so perfect. Or even a narcissist who has idealised you.

Otherwise, have fun!
 
Magdlyn said:
I don't understand why your so-called rational brain is telling you you "should" be happy with the first category when Castle is what really rocks your world.
Click to expand...

I have been thinking on this all day... It's like I don't think I *deserve* Castle. Not because there's anything wrong with me, but because I'm not giving him enough in return to warrant how well he treats me.

There is this narrative in my head - what nycindie would call a worm - that says a woman's value to a man is tied to her ability and willingness to build him a home and a family. Men commit not for companionship or sex, but to have ... A mom, basically. Someone who cleans and cooks and takes care of the kids and pets. That's the trade off they get for giving up their freedom to screw a different woman every night and spend all their money on video games and sports cars.

Yeah, it's silly (and embarrassingly heteronormative) but it's what I grew up assuming. All of the men in my life, my dad, grandfather, non crazy uncles, friends' fathers... Andy, too ... they totally fit the "clueless bumbling dad" stereotype. Can't figure out the washing machine, eat takeout every night if left to their own devices. When my mom died, my friends' moms started taking me grocery shopping every week and making sure I cooked and kept house for my dad. God forbid a man have to dust, lol. Then of course my dad got remarried like ten minutes after I left for college, reinforcing the "needs a woman to take care of him" thing.

But I can't offer that to Castle. I don't want to split my time between two husbands. I don't have the time or energy to be full blown wife to two guys without losing my mind. Between work, Andy, friends, dogs, house/errands stuff, exercise, and sleep, I can find a couple of days a week for him. That doesn't seem like '*enough* to warrant him seeing me exclusively here in Texas.

And I want that - to be his only girlfriend here. I can't help it. I just do. I dunno if it's NRE, or just that when sex with someone is great, I stop wanting anyone else. So un-poly of me. I mean, I'm not a stickler for monogamy. It doesn't bother me that he has sex with his wife when he's home. Even the occasional "this hook up opportunity popped up, why not" is cool. But the idea of him (anyone) going out and actively pursuing sex with others, it makes me feel inadequate. Me projecting my own shit, I guess. I had no interest in sex outside my marriage until the piv stopped. Even with Dag, I didn't want anyone but him, until he started treating me like crap, and then I was all about looking for new partners.

So that's where my brain gets stuck. I want this almost-sorta-monogamy thing, because that's what feels right and good to me. But I worry I'm not offering enough - enough time, enough sex, enough commitment - to deserve it.

For now though I'm trying to just ENJOY getting to have my cake and eat it too. Castle has offered up all this without me having to ask, and he seems thrilled with where we are, so I'm taking yes for an answer :D
 
I hate adulting in summer :p I don't miss being a kid, but I miss being a teenager and young adult... When summer meant sleeping until ten, getting paid to sit by a pool and call it babysitting, then drinking all night by a beach or a bonfire. The fact that it's summer and I still have to get the oil changed in my car, buy groceries, and go to work seems downright cruel.

First world problems... I only get to swim and boat on weekends, poor me.

Halfway through Castle's two week trip home, it's been fine, easier than I expected. We text a few times a day, nothing like the marathon chats we have seen he's here, but enough that I don't feel forgotten. He's also naturally good about not talking incessantly about his wife. He'll send selfies of him doing whatever and I'll have no idea if his wife is there with him or not. The joy of dating someone in a DADT marriage is that they are good at not oversharing!

I've thought some about why the "here's me with my wife!!!" stuff bothers me so much, and honestly it's mostly an unconscious reaction. When someone demonstrates that they are in a relationship with another person - whether it's a pic, a story, a display of affection - my brain interprets that as *unavailable* . I see someone happy with their partner, I lose interest sexually and romantically. It's a giant flashing TAKEN - BACK OFF sign. When it happens frequently I get tired of doing the mental gymnastics to remind myself this person is open/poly, and just let my subconscious read them as *not mine*.

Andy's schedule has gotten a little easier - or maybe just more predictable? He's home for a few hours between work and bedtime most nights now. That has been HUGE for my mood. Trying to plan fun summer travel etc around his work stuff is still frustrating, but at least we are home and awake at the same time occasionally these days ;)
 
I got an unexpected Andy-day yesterday - he was home when I came home from work mid-afternoon. Apparently the caterer at his meeting poisoned everyone :( Andy was in the middle of presenting after lunch when he had to clamp a hand over his mouth and run out of the room puking... Then a few minutes later, in the men's room, he hears everyone else start running in and throwing up! I'm sure the visiting VIPs were very impressed! But he was mostly better by the time he got home and it was pretty cool to have those extra hours with him.

Especially because there is a ... thing... with Castle that has unnerved me a bit and we both needed the reconnect time.

I think I have talked about how Castle is just subletting a place here in Dallas while he helps his family, since the house he owns here is leased through winter. Well, he told me the other day that he's going to look for someplace new - and asked if I'd mind if he found something closer to me. Sooooo yeah he found a month to month rental house 15 minutes from mine :eek:

I'm trying to decide if this is a big deal or not. On the one hand - the new house is no further from his family, just a different direction, and it's cheaper (like, several hundred a month cheaper). So there are reasons besides me to pick it. On the other hand, he LOVED being downtown and hates suburbia, yet now he will be in the middle of it. Not even the trees and quaint historic downtown type where I live, but tract house with one tree each and strip malls everywhere suburbia. Hmmmm. HMMMMM.

For now I'm going with "not a big deal"... Castle is a 50 year old man, he can live wherever he wants, if it happens to be close to me, ok, cool! But there's a part of me that's nervous. Because the ONLY rule Andy and I have is not to arrange our lives/make big life impacting decisions around other partners. So I can't reciprocate what Castle is doing. That's the reason I told Andy about it, really, because it *could* look like I'm headed down the path of factoring each other into big decisions with Castle, and I wanted to reassure Andy that NOPE, he did this, I didn't ask, who the hell knows.

Also? I'm so used to being the person who gives more in relationships, it feels weird to have it the other way.
 
It can be so incredibly hard to let go of scorekeeping mentality. It's been tough for me with Zen sometimes. In many ways, he gives me a lot more than I give him, at least right now. Sometimes, especially if a partner isn't asking anything of you, you just need to let them do what they're gonna do, and not worry about it.

The really good thing about this though, is that it's a month-to-month deal. That could ease your feeling of him edging in an unspoken obligation factor, by knowing that if things go south with you two, then he can easily get out of it and do something else. I'd be feeling much more "whoa..." if he signed a longer lease on something closer to you like that.
 
Apologies for the nsfw post but I REALLY need to vent right now ...

Andy and I were trying to have sexy time tonight and - you know, I just don't think you could find two people less compatible in bed if you tried :( He started talking about all the guys I have slept with ... Like, literally listing off their names. Ok, I know it's hot to him, the idea of me being slutty and sleeping with lots of people. But it's not to *me*. So I tried to maneuver things such that he was still getting stimulated but I wasn't. Because I'm ok with him thinking that's sexy, and getting off on it, but it's just an instant off switch for me, and I don't want to be touched sexually when I'm off.

He got weird, kept asking what was up, so I explained as gently as I could - hey, that's just not sexy for me, I'll be up for more if/when you're done with that dirty talk. He got upset, we both ended up in tears.

And now I find myself feeling guilty and beating myself up for having a boundary, for not just going along. Ugh ugh ugh. Why is sex so easy with some people and so damn complicated with others????
 
It took a few days but I'm feeling better about Andy-sex stuff. The fact that we aren't always on the same page with sex doesn't bother me ... But sometimes it bothers him, and it bothers me that it bothers him. Sigh. I guess after all these years I feel like we should just accept the incompatibility in that area and focus on what is GOOD about our relationship. And there is so much awesomeness in our marriage.

Things with Castle are simply wonderful. I had no idea it could be this easy and fun and fulfilling to have another partner. We went yesterday and scoped out his new place, tried to figure out what furniture he needs to pull out of storage. I went through the furniture graveyard in our extra bedroom and found quite a few things he can use. (Andy asked if I was now reduced to trading lamps for sexual favors, lol.) Castle's place is soooo cute, even if it is suburban as fuck. Plus, four pools for residents of the neighborhood to use, hello bikini.

Being with Castle is so great I almost feel guilty ??? Like I don't deserve this, or him, or something. But he tells me every day that I make him happy, and he does the same for me, so I guess I'm just the luckiest girl in the world :)
 
Happy you're happy! You deserve it. We all deserve it.
 
Magdlyn said:
Happy you're happy! You deserve it. We all deserve it.
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Thanks Mags! We do :)

I am beyond happy these days. I'm going to have to take back everything I ever said about not getting crazy NRE... Give me a relationship that feels normal and natural and BOOM it's insane :eek: I'm even getting that whole spillover effect on my relationship with Andy. Mostly because I am soooo much better at being enthusiastic and supportive about his girl side when I have another steady source of masculine energy in my life.

There are moments when I think about how Castle will be gone soon and get the sads... But honestly, knowing that things will us will come to a natural end makes it easier to enjoy the little mini relationship escalator without worrying about the end game.

Plus I've learned how important it is to me to have a physical space with a partner. One that isn't shared with a meta and doesn't require scheduling around other people to get alone time. Or constantly booking hotel rooms. Being able to just go to Castle's place anytime I want and walk in unannounced ... That feels "real relationship" to me. I don't think I will ever again date someone who doesn't have their own place, at least not until we get the lake house built and I can provide my own "this is our space" for the relationship.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
...So I tried to maneuver things such that he was still getting stimulated but I wasn't. Because I'm ok with him thinking that's sexy, and getting off on it, but it's just an instant off switch for me, and I don't want to be touched sexually when I'm off.

He got weird, kept asking what was up, so I explained as gently as I could - hey, that's just not sexy for me, I'll be up for more if/when you're done with that dirty talk. He got upset, we both ended up in tears...
Click to expand...

Had a similar experience with Dude recently...hard for him to understand a different perspective, hard for me to be gentle when I am OFF.
 
I keep waiting to have time to write a long in depth post... Time is not something I have much of these days! I've been spending at least a few hours every weekday with Castle - and sometimes way more than that. Which basically means that between work, friends, dogs, workouts, housework, Andy, and Castle... I've kind of given up sleep. Getting by on 5 hours a night the past couple of weeks.

I caught up on sleep some over the holiday weekend at the lake, at least. Andy and I are both so sleep deprived that we napped every day :eek: Still managed to get out on the boat some, I did a few long hikes with the dogs, but mostly we just did nothing, and it was pretty fabulous.

Tomorrow castle and I are spending the whole afternoon together, then doing a concert in the evening. Crazy to think I probably dated Dag for a year before we ever got that kind of time together. This is just new territory for me. Or maybe not :confused: It feels like when I first started seeing Andy, or like my mono relationships before him.

It's fucking awesome, I'll say that much. I'm getting ridiculously spoiled with time and attention. And insanely great sex. So yeah who needs sleep ;)
 
So glad you are having fun. When it clicks, it clicks!
 
Perfect day with Castle yesterday :D This guy rocks my world.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=941&pictureid=3629

I'm starting to - not stress exactly - but think about what it will be like when Castle isn't here in Dallas as much. His family stuff is going to be handled soon, his plans are a little up in the air, but it's not like he's going to be here forever. And then???

He tells me he loves me, that he wants us to be together for a very long time. But could I do long distance? I don't know.
 
Is that a picture link? It wouldn't work for me.
 
You both look super happy :D
Give the LD a try and if it doesn't work then it doesn't work. Give it a chance for a little while.
 
More pics, from getting ice cream with Castle today ...

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/album.php?albumid=941&pictureid=3635

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/album.php?albumid=941&pictureid=3634

Today was the first time since we started sleeping together that we hung out and didn't have sex - I wasn't quite ready for that milestone, good thing I'm seeing him again tomorrow :p This has just been a shit week so far, including a death in Andy's family :( so I didn't think I'd be in the mood to fool around. Five minutes with Castle and I'm thinking, why the fuck are we eating Mexican food instead of fucking each other's brains out ??? NRE is still crazy.

We have had a couple of good talks about what long distance would look like, and we are both head over heels enough to want to try. But I'm definitely giving myself permission to say nope, not working! if it comes to that.
 
Well, Castle and I crossed off a couple more relationship milestones... First time he saw me really drunk, and first hungover quickie while we tried to ignore the dogs pawing at the bed :p

We went out last night and I had 3 beers, which is one more than I can have without getting shitfaced. Cringeworthy memories include babbling about how in love with him I am (eh, I kinda do that sober ;)) ranting about Dag (whoops) and singing Salt n Pepa at the top of my lungs :eek: Oh, and trying to get Castle to adopt a dog :confused: I'm such a fucking lightweight.

Anyway, Castle ended up driving me home once it became apparent that I was not going to sober up anytime soon. So he met Andy! Should have been awkward but somehow wasn't. Maybe because I was tripping over myself and giggling and provided quite the distraction lol.

Then this morning, my car was still at Castle's and I was in no shape to go to work anyway, so he came to get me and the dogs and we took them to play at his place for a while. And managed to have hot sex despite their presence ;)
 
I have to go to a funeral tomorrow. I HATE funerals. I don't know why but I always have panic attacks :( It starts to feel like there's no air, and I can't breathe, and that turns into intense physical pain in my chest, until it's like my heart and lungs are being squeezed until they explode.

And knowing it's going to happen makes it worse, of course. Some funerals, it's not out of context to need to step outside - panic attack kind of looks like overcome by grief. I'm ok if I can get some air and walk around. But this is Andy's family, and getting up in the middle of the service would be the same as jumping on the coffin naked and punching the minister in their eyes. I'd be forever the one who Ruined The Funeral.

Ugh ugh ugh.

Andy doesn't get it. "Nobody likes funerals, Claire." Like I just want to skip it so I can go shopping or something. This is four hours of excruciating physical and mental pain. It's not that I'd rather go to the beach - I'd rather have surgery without anesthesia.

On another note - wow this blog is empty when I'm happy! No problems mean no processing, I guess :eek: Life isn't perfect - I'm struggling to maintain a sexual connection with Andy, I'm exhausted all the time from trying to balance two relationships. But I'm head over heels in love.

I'm not good at doing the "we had lunch at an Italian place yesterday" style of blog. And somehow sharing the details of my developing relationship with Castle feels wrong. Not like a violation of his privacy - more like a violation of my own. All the things we do, the sweet words he says to me every day, the way I feel about him... Those are mine. Ours. Sharing them feels icky and creepy somehow. I'm happier just talking to Castle for hours about how much we love each other :p
 
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