Feeling taken advantage of

[SparkyGirl]

Backstory: I am happily married, this pertains to my, um, "dating life." Or serious lack of.

I had met this person online a few years ago, and discussed having a poly relationship with them, and at the time, I wasn't very interested. However, we did stay in touch, and the more we interacted on social media, the more I realized I may have been wrong.

We met in the summer, and had a great time laughing and chatting. I indicated that I had some interest and would want to pursue that.

Right around that time (I believe shortly after), this person started to have serious issues in their personal life and with their primary relationship. They were in and out of contact with me over the course of 3-4 months as things spiralled out of control on their end. When we did finally connect, this person opened up to me about their ongoing issues, and I really did my best to support them. While a relationship was still in the back of my mind at this point, I quickly realized that a) this person was nowhere near ready for a relationship, and b) I wasn't overly excited about a relationship with a person who was constantly creating these situations with their significant other (not all their fault, but the dynamic was messed up). However, it was brought up a couple times that "the inclination was there" on their end, even though they weren't in a good place.

Throughout this time, I provided an ear to listen to their relationship struggles between them and their partner and the partner's meta. I made time for phone calls, visits (which got cancelled a bunch of times), and whatever I could do to be there for this person.

It was at this point I decided I was interested in friendship, and that maybe when things improved we might be able to pursue something together. Maybe. I thought well, if the inclination is there on their end, when things settle, this might progress. I was hopeful.

Then I didn't hear from this person for 2 weeks. When I did finally hear from them, this person told me vaguely about their last two weeks, then told me they've connected with a soulmate, not their primary.

I felt like this explained a lot and why I was ghosted. One strong part of me is VERY happy for them - finding a soulmate is a big deal, and I honestly wish them nothing but the best. I really truly want the best for them.

The other part of me feels extremely hateful and bitter. I feel like my kindness, time and compassion was taken advantage of, even on a very basic friendship level. I've been feeling very isolated and lonely lately as well (I have always struggled to make friends) and I felt like we had started to build a very strong friendship. Now I just feel like this person was too afraid to tell me they weren't interested in me in a "relationship way" so they could continue to use me for advice and counselling. Then, as soon as they were confident in their new-found relationship, they dropped me pretty unceremoniously.

Again, by this point I realize a relationship wasn't going anywhere, but I feel like this person deliberately strung me along with the possibility of a "perhaps someday maybe" EVEN THOUGH they had found someone else, and EVEN THOUGH if they had asked me what I was feeling I'd have told them outright that I knew a relationship was off the table.

I could maybe easily let this go if this wasn't a constant struggle in my relationships. I constantly feel like I put a lot of help and compassion out into the world, and when it's all used up, those people no longer have interest in me. They don't ask how I am, how I am doing or what I've been up to. It's very easy to see they were really only ever interested in the help and support I could provide until that help and support wasn't needed anymore.

Where am I going wrong? Or is the poly community inherently full of flaky people who are this incredibly self-interested? I don't have these struggles in my marriage, and my issues with my poly relationships have come from sources outside of my marriage. My spouse seems to have a lot more success than I do, and is able to form good, solid relationships. I, on the other hand, keep getting left in the dust.

I feel like if I shift gears and act in the same self-interested way, I'm going to have just as much success as I do now giving my time freely - which is no success. I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[vinsanity0]

The whole world is full of flaky people so I don't think that is poly-specific. I've grown to see the situation you described as dodging a bullet.

Acting in one's own self-interest doesn't have to be selfish. It would have been acting in your own self-interest to heed your initial feeling about this guy:

I quickly realized that a) this person was nowhere near ready for a relationship, and b) I wasn't overly excited about a relationship with a person who was constantly creating these situations with their significant other

But even if you had not held out hope for a romantic relationship, it still hurts when people you think are your friend do that to you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello SparkyGirl,

I don't think you've done anything wrong, I just think you've had some bad luck. As for this person whom you were helping, I can't tell what's gone on from their point of view. They may have done what they did out of being flaky, not necessarily out of being selfish or malicious. They may be swimming in NRE for this soulmate of theirs, which may have stifled their ability to consider your needs. Maybe they're not good at considering other people's needs in general, I don't know. I think in your shoes I would not contact that person again, they can contact me if they have some kind of genuine interest.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you, you do deserve better treatment.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[SparkyGirl]

Hello SparkyGirl,
Maybe they're not good at considering other people's needs in general, I don't know. I think in your shoes I would not contact that person again, they can contact me if they have some kind of genuine interest.

I suspect this is the case. I unfollowed on Facebook even to prevent the temptation of contacting them first. Good advice.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you, you do deserve better treatment.

Yes. Yes I do. Thank you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I could maybe easily let this go if this wasn't a constant struggle in my relationships.

Are you saying you constantly over give? And you are aware of it? Yet you keep doing it? I'm confused as to why you would keep on doing that then.

I think you could be more honest with yourself.

While a relationship was still in the back of my mind at this point, I quickly realized that a) this person was nowhere near ready for a relationship, and b) I wasn't overly excited about a relationship with a person who was constantly creating these situations with their significant other (not all their fault, but the dynamic was messed up). However, it was brought up a couple times that "the inclination was there" on their end, even though they weren't in a good place.

There you seem to list a boundary for yourself of "I don't want to take up with this person."

And the person says "I'm not in a good place but I could see us dating."

That's offering a hook, a lure, to draw you in.

And you could have obeyed your personal boundary and said "Thanks, but no thanks." And not gotten involved with them at all.

Instead, you seem to have ignored your boundary that would have helped keep you safe. You seem to choose to keep on with the person, investing in them, trying to be "friends with potential."

And you ended up hurt.

So... I think if this keeps happening in your relationships and you see yourself overinvesting? You could stop doing this behavior. Listen to your personal boundaries more.

I feel like if I shift gears and act in the same self-interested way, I'm going to have just as much success as I do now giving my time freely - which is no success. I just don't know what to do anymore.

If it's the same result minus hurt? Then go with it. Be more self-interested.

But really I think you OBEYING your personal boundaries would help you weed out the "meh" ones and help you date better quality people. Might date less often, but better less often with less hurt and more success than date lots and have chronic upset

Galagirl

 

[SparkyGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Are you saying you constantly over give? And you are aware of it? Yet you keep doing it? I'm confused as to why you would keep on doing that then.

I think you could be more honest with yourself.

I think I have just become aware of it, and have now sort of posted it as a way to admit it to myself.

I think the issue is that i haven't had many relationships. Besides a few in high school that were nothing serious, I met my DH at 19.

Instead, you seem to have ignored your boundary that would have helped keep you safe. You seem to choose to keep on with the person, investing in them, trying to be "friends with potential."

And you ended up hurt.

So... I think if this keeps happening in your relationships and you see yourself overinvesting? You could stop doing this behavior. Listen to your personal boandries more.

I think you're right and this is what I needed to hear. I think what I do in relationships is think "If I give enough and that that willingness to give, it will be reciprocated."

Not true, obviously. Where I run into issues is that I see things very black and white, and fail to understand nuance. (this is a whole other story about my background we don't need to get into) Let's just say I am socially unaware a lot of the time - I've been going to therapy to help me, but I find more and more I am just learning more what I don't know. I am very aware of what I don't know. I'm just still lacking those skills to make changes. It's a work in progress.

But really I think you OBEYING your personal boundaries would help you weed out the "meh" ones and help you date better quality people. Might date less often, but better less often with less hurt and more success than date lots and have chronic upset

Galagirl

Very true. Thank you for your insights.

 

[SparkyGirl]

Might date less often, but better less often with less hurt and more success than date lots and have chronic upset

Galagirl

And the truly pathetic thing - dating less often than I have been dating means no dating at all.

And that's a really lonely and sad place to be.

(there was another post in between this one and yours - I think it was my 5th so it's awaiting moderation)

 

[GalaGirl]

I think what I do in relationships is think "If I give enough and that that willingness to give, it will be reciprocated."

I think you could come at it more like "I am willing to give X to this relationship with no strings and no expectations."

Like I'd be willing to lend a new friend $10 for lunch if they forgot theirs at home. If they pay me back? Great. If not? Oh, well. I can afford to treat that one time to help them out. And I would say that. "Pay me back tomorrow. Or it can be my treat this one time." So we understand each other.

But I'm not going to offer to give them $100 or $1000. Why overextend myself into what I cannot afford to give?

You are giving away emotional labor too freely expecting or hoping for reciprocity when there's been no such agreement made. If your loan is conditional, SAY SO.

"Look, I can listen to you vent this one time. But after that, you have to talk to other people. I cannot be the guy all the time."

And the truly pathetic thing - dating less often than I have been dating means no dating at all.

And that's a really lonely and sad place to be

I get that it can be lonely. But... you have a spouse and hopefully family and friends to socialize with. ALL your socializing isn't gonna come from dating.

It doesn't have to be black-and-white like (you date lots) or (you date not at all.) Like an on/off switch.

Could dial the expectation down to something doable and measurable. "I go on a new date about once a month" could be a starting place. Or even every 2 months since you have other things to work on with your therapy and that takes up your free time also. Cannot be doing everything in your free time. So it's ok to take it easy on the dating for now.

Just going out once a month. Call that the "successful enough."

If it turns out to be with someone you hit it off with, call that a "bonus" and schedule another date with them.

My spouse seems to have a lot more success than I do, and is able to form good, solid relationships. I, on the other hand, keep getting left in the dust.

It's like you are right out of the starting gate wanting to be "perfect" and competing with your spouse without giving yourself any ramp up time. First, you don't have to compete with spouse. Second... it's ok to give yourself all the ramping up time you need. Even if you had dated LOTS as a teen... that's a whole other kind of dating than dating as a married adult in an Open/Poly marriage.

How about you let your spouse go at their speed/skill level?

And you be kinder to yourself and go at the speed you go at right now? Rather than talking about being "left in the dust" you could just focus on your own expectations for yourself. I mean... spouse isn't ALSO doing therapy things on top of it all and learning social skills/awareness and other stuff... It isn't like you are twiddling your thumbs. You are busy!

Galagirl

 

[SparkyGirl]

Toilets route

I think you could come at it more like "I am willing to give X to this relationship with no strings and no expectations."

Like I'd be willing to lend a new friend $10 for lunch if they forgot theirs at home. If they pay me back? Great. If not? Oh, well. I can afford to treat that one time to help them out. And I would say that. "Pay me back tomorrow. Or it can be my treat this one time." So we understand each other.

But I'm not going to offer to give them $100 or $1000. Why overextend myself into what I cannot afford to give?

You are giving away emotional labor too freely expecting or hoping for reciprocity when there's been no such agreement made. If your loan is conditional, SAY SO.

"Look, I can listen to you vent this one time. But after that, you have to talk to other people. I cannot be the guy all the time."



I get that it can be lonely. But... you have a spouse and hopefully family and friends to socialize with. ALL your socializing isn't gonna come from dating.

It doesn't have to be black-and-white like (you date lots) or (you date not at all.) Like an on/off switch.

Could dial the expectation down to something doable and measurable. "I go on a new date about once a month" could be a starting place. Or even every 2 months since you have other things to work on with your therapy and that takes up your free time also. Cannot be doing everything in your free time. So it's ok to take it easy on the dating for now.

Just going out once a month. Call that the "successful enough."

If it turns out to be with someone you hit it off with, call that a "bonus" and schedule another date with them.


It's like you are right out of the starting gate wanting to be "perfect" and competing with your spouse without giving yourself any ramp up time. First, you don't have to compete with spouse. Second... it's ok to give yourself all the ramping up time you need. Even if you had dated LOTS as a teen... that's a whole other kind of dating than dating as a married adult in an Open/Poly marriage.

How about you let your spouse go at their speed/skill level?

And you be kinder to yourself and go at the speed you go at right now? Rather than talking about being "left in the dust" you could just focus on your own expectations for yourself. I mean... spouse isn't ALSO doing therapy things on top of it all and learning social skills/awareness and other stuff... It isn't like you are twiddling your thumbs. You are busy!

Galagirl

I’m not sure why you brought up my husbands “speed,” and I don’t feel as though I am being left in the dust in comparison to him. I am frustrated that everyone around me seems to have a lot more successes with dating in general. It’s less of a comparison to him specifically and more of a “what the fuck am I doing wrong because it seems to be going well for lots of other people.

I like your suggestion of one new date per month - it’s hilarious. That would multiply my yearly date by 12. If I could get one date per month I’d be delighted. That would be more than “successful enough.”

Yes, I have my husband but that’s ALL I have. It’s an unfair expectation of him to be with me 100% of the time. I need other friends and outlets. I have none. I wish that was an exaggeration.

 

[SparkyGirl]

Honestly, at this point, I’m probably better off alone.

Poly in theory, but not in practice because apparently I’m not what anyone is looking for.

Sounds like a dark place but honestly I think I’m okay with it now.

 

[GalaGirl]

Where am I going wrong? Or is the poly community inherently full of flaky people who are this incredibly self-interested? I don't have these struggles in my marriage, and my issues with my poly relationships have come from sources outside of my marriage. My spouse seems to have a lot more success than I do, and is able to form good, solid relationships. I, on the other hand, keep getting left in the dust.

I brought it up that way because that's how I read it in the original post.

Perhaps I misunderstood how you meant it.

Yes, I have my husband but that’s ALL I have. It’s an unfair expectation of him to be with me 100% of the time. I need other friends and outlets. I have none. I wish that was an exaggeration.

Ok. Then perhaps that could be part of the "get out at least once a month" thing. Go to book clubs, game nights, farmer's markets, open mics, whatever it is interests you that is going on in your community. Not all the outings have to be date things... but you could try to get out once a month.

Honestly, at this point, I’m probably better off alone.

If that is what you prefer at this time, then it's ok to do that.

Go with what feels best for you.

Galagirl

 

[anamikanon]

I call this a narrow escape. If you didn't feel ready for a partner who was creating drama in relationships (first his, now yours, etc) have you considered that a lot of your hurt is simply ego from being overlooked in favor of someone else?

About the other thing where you go through this often... I used to do this a lot and found the "problem" to be on my end - except it wasn't so much of a problem. I used to get attracted to men I didn't really like that much (for example chap who casually looked at a woman on the street and made a judgmental comment or this other chap who was so unidimensional he literally was interested in nothing but his hobby). And they were never "meant" to be more. So if things got too much, I'd be vague and if things got vague on their end I'd be "what? you lost interest in me?" I think I enjoyed their company, but they never really made it to my personal standard for being a partner.

Took me a while to figure out why I didn't move forward with them when I could and then I learned to be explicit about it. This happened a lot with people I found "incapable" of basic stuff, who were more needy than "elastic" give/take of support, others who simply didn't invest too much and were around only when convenient, some seemed plain immature, claiming to be agnostic but suspiciously superstitious or catering to orthodox nonsense, etc. Not bad people, but not good enough for me to rely on intimately. Such people were "friend-zoned" to make way for better candidates. Life got way less exhausting without maintaining stuff that wasn't going anywhere.

Or maybe in simpler terms, if I wasn't fully comfortable with them mentally or if they seemed to take more than give even before a relationship, I was better off without them.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Nope, I would have backstepped right about at the I provided an ear to listen to their relationship struggles phase. Being made someone's (unpaid) therapist is so unromantic as to be a total boner-killer, & it's not a whole lot better as a new friend.

SparkyGirl, what is it in you that makes you feel you need this sort of BS in your life? I'd be among the last to push polyamory onto anyone, but abandoning it after a fail seems odd unless you really enjoy self-abuse & believe you're worthless.

I've taught guitar & I've taught writing. One reason I've mostly stopped is I got tired of beginners who wanted to buy a few lessons, then get a $$$ contract & be set for life. More & more, that pretty much describes people who expect to get their New Soul Mate with Life-Long Happiness after scanning OKC for a few hours & going out on two dates.

Whether or not polyamory is suitable for you, now or in the future, getting out of the house & meeting people & disentangling the YOU from your husband is highly advisable, & starting yesterday.

 

[SparkyGirl]

I call this a narrow escape. If you didn't feel ready for a partner who was creating drama in relationships (first his, now yours, etc) have you considered that a lot of your hurt is simply ego from being overlooked in favor of someone else?

I don't think it's my ego, that's not my style. I felt probably because I was strung along, but if I had been told from the start they weren't interested I'd have been fine.

Or maybe in simpler terms, if I wasn't fully comfortable with them mentally or if they seemed to take more than give even before a relationship, I was better off without them.

I think you're probably right about being better off.

 

[SparkyGirl]

SparkyGirl, what is it in you that makes you feel you need this sort of BS in your life? I'd be among the last to push polyamory onto anyone, but abandoning it after a fail seems odd unless you really enjoy self-abuse & believe you're worthless.

Because I have limited friends and even fewer people to date. Objectively, I see myself as having a lot to offer, but in the eyes of others, I am obviously valueless.

I know, blah blah, you shouldn't let people judge you, whatever. I know all that. Everyone knows all that. But it's not true because people do put value on you. I am currently feeling valueless to everyone. (this extends beyond dating relationships and into friendships and even relationships in my family. My only good relationship right now is with my spouse)

I would also say I am not abandoning it after "a" fall. I am considering abandoning it after "several" falls. Yeah, I can get back up on the horse, but eventually at some point you might decide, guess what, horse ridin' ain't for you.

I've taught guitar & I've taught writing. One reason I've mostly stopped is I got tired of beginners who wanted to buy a few lessons, then get a $$$ contract & be set for life. More & more, that pretty much describes people who expect to get their New Soul Mate with Life-Long Happiness after scanning OKC for a few hours & going out on two dates.

Whether or not polyamory is suitable for you, now or in the future, getting out of the house & meeting people & disentangling the YOU from your husband is highly advisable, & starting yesterday.

I do need to get out more. I am limited by a small town with few options.

 

[Ravenscroft]

I do need to get out more. I am limited by a small town with few options.

I moved to a remote northern Midwest town, population at last count <7,800. The nearest "city" (pop. 53,000) is 35 miles away, with only a village (435 people) between. Yet I do manage to have a social life, & could easily be doing more -- like, my fave blues guitarist moved to town a few months back, & finds my playing tolerable.

Okay, you've "fallen from the horse" more than once. Sounds like you might be expecting quality rather than settling for something "good enough for now" (deluding yourself into believing it's gonna create a Life Partner). If so, then you're saving yourself MUCH pain (maybe greater) down the road, so the effort is hardly wasted.

I am NOT saying "rub some dirt on it": by all means, take time & heal!! Having busted various bones over the years, a "minor break" is still a break. But find stuff to do that you find personally enriching, even if it means being momentarily bored.

is the poly community inherently full of flaky people who are this incredibly self-interested?

Didn't used to be, but that WAS years ago. Certainly, with so many yammering about "poly is whatever you WANT it to be!" there's all sorts of self-serving airheads claiming the term. Anyone who says "I'm poly" takes up the entire burden of proof, guilty 'til proved innocent (& even then on probation). Then again, it's up to everyone else to verify before trusting.

 

[SparkyGirl]

I moved to a remote northern Midwest town, population at last count <7,800. The nearest "city" (pop. 53,000) is 35 miles away, with only a village (435 people) between. Yet I do manage to have a social life, & could easily be doing more -- like, my fave blues guitarist moved to town a few months back, & finds my playing tolerable.

I think the issue is I am in a community double the size, but everyone knows who I am. I am a business owner. Even in my field, my star is on the rise (speaking at national conventions on topics related my industry). This is GREAT for my career which I love, but I am VERY private about this side of my life. Maybe it's that over-cautiousness preventing me from finding people.

Didn't used to be, but that WAS years ago. Certainly, with so many yammering about "poly is whatever you WANT it to be!" there's all sorts of self-serving airheads claiming the term. Anyone who says "I'm poly" takes up the entire burden of proof, guilty 'til proved innocent (& even then on probation). Then again, it's up to everyone else to verify before trusting.

The funny thing is, the small circle of Poly people I know, I see MANY who I feel (by observation) simply aren't capable of maintaining the lifestyle because of how they personally handle situations. We are past the "adjusting" with our marriage, and there's a lot of trust and happiness there. So part of me feels great that we have proven ourselves capable of not just believing in it, but able to live it. Now if I could just get my dating life together.

 

[Nonentity]

After reading both your threads, there is a lot we have in common. I also live in a small town in a fairly rural county. I also hold a fairly prominent position in the community, even worse, my family is also well known and mostly love local to me.

We have had to make choices and we chose to prioritize privacy at home. Our poly community is on the coast and we drive 1.5 hours each way for a two hour meeting group. Other events and groups surround us , about two hours drive either direction. But have made friends, are invited to parties and events, and know poly and kink friendly folk all over the state.

That choice may change for us in the future. And we are making a conscious effort to make friends and join activities local to us with no eye towards finding partners, just to work on not being as enmeshed as a couple.

Good luck, I do understand the challenge of balancing career and family with living authentically. It is not easy.

 

[anamikanon]

I moved to a remote northern Midwest town, population at last count <7,800. The nearest "city" (pop. 53,000) is 35 miles away, with only a village (435 people) between. Yet I do manage to have a social life, & could easily be doing more -- like, my fave blues guitarist moved to town a few months back, & finds my playing tolerable.

On complete tangent, I live in India, which has slightly less than twice the population of all of Europe. The population counts are incomprehensible. My "small town" has more people than that.


Sadly, our culture here is so orthodox that at the moment there is exactly one person openly claiming to be poly in the entire country and me, except I am poly in theory only so far.

 

[SparkyGirl]

After reading both your threads, there is a lot we have in common. I also live in a small town in a fairly rural county. I also hold a fairly prominent position in the community, even worse, my family is also well known and mostly love local to me.

We have had to make choices and we chose to prioritize privacy at home. Our poly community is on the coast and we drive 1.5 hours each way for a two hour meeting group. Other events and groups surround us , about two hours drive either direction. But have made friends, are invited to parties and events, and know poly and kink friendly folk all over the state.

That choice may change for us in the future. And we are making a conscious effort to make friends and join activities local to us with no eye towards finding partners, just to work on not being as enmeshed as a couple.

Good luck, I do understand the challenge of balancing career and family with living authentically. It is not easy.

I'm in a town of 15,000 ish, but I own a business, do I don't exactly advertise that we're poly. I am about an hour away from a city, which is fortunately large.