Sleeping arrangements

[UrbanWitch]

Hello there,

A little history first to understand better what's going on (you can skip, I'll mark the end of this rant with a colored * OK ?)

My partner B and I moved together. Half because it was convenient : he needed to move out and I needed it for career purpose, half because we wanted to live together. It's been a year now.

But I had to make sacrifices. I'm the one who had to move from one city to another, and for about 6 month, we had to live in one bedroom...sort of as a whole. I stayed at his family's, as kind of a guest, and I would first sleep on a floor mattress, until I secretly slept into B's bed with him. I had very little stuff of my own : a luggage and a cleaned out drawer for my clothes and stuff. We shared a lot, and I lost some of my dependence because of this. I know that. We got a job. A bad renting experience and then, finally, peace.

We're now renting a nice flat, in a nice neighborhood. Some things are still difficult, but they're turning for the best, or at least, they're turning. I'm very proud of us for this.

*

We are polyamorous from the beginning, we used to never bring home metamours. Because we were unable to.

Now we can. And now we ''fight'' a little.

Mainly because of me. I'm very lonely. B is my best friend, and...I'm learning all over again to be my own person. The transition is not easy, I've lost so much recently, and as I've been making friends of my own, I also got deeper in my depression now that I lost my job. So I'm trying, but here lies the problem.

We still share his bedroom, but now I also have mine (yaaay! ). We agreed that I'd sleep in my bedroom when B and his partners wanted to share some alone time and vice versa, I would get my partners in my room when they visit yadda yadda. B always check with me if I'm alright with it before inviting his partners over for the night (cuz mine can only come once a month or so, so it's planned in advance but B's partners are near so it can be a spur on the moment thing), and I'm at a place in my mind where I can't say no to this without feeling selfish.

But every time they spend the night together and I have to retreat to my room, I'm emotionnally distressed all night long. I just can't deal with it, I feel so rejected. Crying, shaking. Afraid.

I love my metamours, they're close friends and I have no problem with B and them spending time together. I'm happy for them. When they come visiting I give them space if they want it, I make sure they have private moments, or that we share them all together as a polycule. I'm happy. If I'm visiting family and not coming home for a few days, I don't give a damn if they stay the night with B. It's only when they come home to spend the night with B and that I'm here that I get anxious and distressed. It's when I feel ''forced'' to go back to my room and ''listen to them''. It feels like I'm being punished and isolated.

We talked about it, we tried to slow it down and make them sleep on the pull-out couch but it's almost the same (my trust was abused on a misunderstanding).

At last one of my compromise was that I'd rather he spent the night at their places so I can have my space alone and they have their own to enjoy. And he would. He agreed. But. It can't happen. My metamours for personal reasons (that I know of) can't have B over theirs.

I also don't have friends to sleep over at.

I know another solution would be to talk to them but...ah it's a little complicated at the moment and I'd rather not. Not A Good Time. At. All. And still, they wouldn't be able to have B at theirs.

So we didn't find any ground to meet on and it felt unfair and just unproductive.

Thank you for bearing with me til there. Sorry for the rant.

Suggestions, thoughts ? Any help is welcome.

 

[Emm]

If you usually share a bedroom with B, would it be possible to change your separate room into the "overnight guests" room? That way it's the person with the visiting partner who uses it while the other remains in their usual bedroom. It might help avoid the feeling of being kicked out of your own bed to make way for someone else.

 

[vinsanity0]

You came up with a few solutions except one. Figuring out why you feel this way and address that.

 

[anamikanon]

If it is about jealousy that he isn't with you whenever he has partners and you are at home, it will be harder to resolve. Emm made a good suggestion - that if you're always sleeping together, keep the other bedroom as a spare for use with visiting partners. That way the space the two of you share remains yours.

If you are being distressed by spontaneous sleep overs rather than sleep overs, you could negotiate that they make plans and give you a heads up, so you aren't expecting to spend your evening/night with him and suddenly feel shut out. You could retain an option to refuse if a spontaneous plan makes you feel distressed. While refusing partner to meet metamors is not cool, nor is being kicked out of bed unexpectedly or having to give up your time based on their whims. So you could add a negotiation there. Or some sort of a scenario where they could come over spontaneously, but sleep in the guest room for the night. Or something. They probably wouldn't like it, but simply presuming that you'd adapt to their whims is unrealistic. Particularly when they would literally be replacing you in your usual bed in your own home (even though you have your own room).

If you're feeling jealous of him spending time with them while you are home and not otherwise, you may just want to accept that you want to hog his time while you are home Nothing wrong with desiring that, but rather impractical to expect absolutely daily in a poly partner. So sometimes it will suck, and sometimes you'll get your desire. Such is life.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello UrbanWitch,

It seems to me that you'll have to choose between being "banished to your room," and between giving up some of your independence and turning your room into a guest room, so that you don't have to switch rooms when B has other partners over. Or there's always a third option; namely, leaving things the way they are. Suffering in silence. Unless you can somehow change your feelings without changing anything else. Maybe seeing a therapist would help.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[UrbanWitch]

Drive catton

Hello~

If you usually share a bedroom with B, would it be possible to change your separate room into the "overnight guests" room?

I'm very attached to my room, It's really a part of my individuality and come from a need for me to be more independant. But, nice suggestion, it gave me a few ideas.

If it is about jealousy that he isn't with you whenever he has partners and you are at home, it will be harder to resolve.

No, it's really only when they sleep at home that I have such intense reactions.
Anyway, thank you for suggesting planning in advance, B and I talked about it too and it might be a good idea. So I can "plan" other things to do even if I stay at home. I could do meditation just before. Excellent !
Also big thank you, because you made me feel better with the lighter tone.

Or there's always a third option; namely, leaving things the way they are. Suffering in silence. Unless you can somehow change your feelings without changing anything else. Maybe seeing a therapist would help.

You came up with a few solutions except one. Figuring out why you feel this way and address that.

Leaving things the way they are...yeah maybe. It's for sure a very hard thing to go through but I can see the harsh positiveness it could bring... Kind of like, confronting my fear and seing that it's all in my head and I have nothing to worry about, right ? If all else fail, I'll do just that I guess.

I know my issues run deeper and I should see a therapist for a lot of reasons but, ahah, I have absolutely no idea where to begin and a lot of what ifs.
But yeah, I probably should seriously consider this.

Well, thank you all for your suggestions, it was VERY much appreciated. I'll try most of them, see how it goes and...give feedback ? If you want ?

Anyway, it's not the end of the world but I needed someone opinion on this

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Just out of curiosity...Perhaps I missed it, but why wouldn't it work for you to always sleep in YOUR room and he come and sleep with YOU there, rather than you going to sleep in his room? So HE is the one that has to go sleep elsewhere when HE chooses to invite someone home (or when you have people over)?

 

[UrbanWitch]

Ahah, there's a very simple reason for this : his bed is bigger x) but yeah why not after all ! We'll try

 

[anamikanon]

I'm very attached to my room, It's really a part of my individuality and come from a need for me to be more independant.

So totally get this. I'd rather give up the partner than my space

Which pretty much leaves JaneQSmythe's suggestion as a very good one. He can come to your space or remain in his, while you remain in yours.

Unless the two of you are oversized or don't sleep too close, I find bed sizes to be overrated. Most of the time I find most of the bed unused There is much to be said about wraparound boyfriends *cough* Spexy *cough*.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

...

Unless the two of you are oversized or don't sleep too close, I find bed sizes to be overrated. Most of the time I find most of the bed unused There is much to be said about wraparound boyfriends *cough* Spexy *cough*.

Haha..I personally don't care about the size of the bed, but my bedmates might - despite being the smallest of us (at 5'2") I can, apparently, take up an ENTIRE BED of any size ALL by myself... along with EVERY bit of bedding. We have a king-size bed with 9 pillows, 3 comforters and 2 sheets and somehow MrS ends up clinging to one edge with the corner of a pillow and half of a sheet. (Dude just elects for the couch, but the dog doesn't mind a bit!)

 

[PinkPig]

Can you get a larger bed for your room, too? Then he can stay in your room. Of course, that assumes that its just a territorial feeling about the bed/room. If that doesn't take care of it, you may need to dig deeper and root out why you feel how you feel.

If I choose to live with another partner I will have my own bedroom and a king size bed because I like my space when awake and when sleeping (though I still prefer to sleep with a partner, lol. )