Dealing with a socipath in a poly situation

S

Smitten015

New member
Hello all,

Some of you may know me from a earlier post and the progression therin... I have had a great deal of clarity since then. Since my primary began a "realtionship" with a man at work who was married (unhappily) with 4 kids that weren't his wife's. At first they spent a lot of time together, I was not ok with this vecause his wife didn't know. In almost a juvenile sense, boundaries and agreements have constantly been pushed. During the initial phases, I was on a medication that affected my ability to emotionally regulate amd as such, while I've ALWAYS had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about this guy, I had no idea where it was coming from or why. Anyway, Here's what happened since; in point form for clarity's sake.

- they meet and start seeing each other regularly in late June. I am just starting the new medication.
- I realize that suddenly, my gf is no longer coming home for breaks and is spending less time with me. I communicate, time is adjusted to a sharing capacity.
- she reveals to me many details of their conversations and says that she feels oddly trusting of him and compelled to reveal details about us/conversations that she otherwise wouldn't
- I start to see a pattern of "input" that always puts me in a bad light but is immediately apologized for and further stated that I must be a great guy to have her.
- He expresses differing opinions during conversation with her and immediately changes his tune to agree. This is consistent and continues
- He often uses his miserable homelife as a catalyst to get her attention early on.
- I express feelings of FOMO and wanting to spend time with the both of them. He reluctantly agrees to a lunch meeting.
- Lunch doesn't happen. Next day he crosses the line with gf by groping her physically and grinding her while they are at work and in uniform. I react... poorly.
- I begin recording conversations between them... trust... medication... contrary behaviour... inability to hold to agreements are all factors
- our relationship begins to degenerate some. He states on several occasions that I'm no good for her but rescinds the opinions quickly.
- I begin seeing messages that indicate how much damage I'm doing to my relatipnship and that he wouldn't do that.
- His wife has no idea about the "friendship", I express comcern that this is not how poly works. He shoudl tell his wife.
- He fears I will tell his wife and says that he told her avout my gfs existence.
- Gf starts becoming more attached, sends him backstage photos at a show she's performing at, dedicating her performance to him. Using a routine I helped her write and choreograph. I'm offended and drink too much. Culminates in a violent (her- I never fought back) evening where I attempt to take my life.
- they talk of running away together. Mpre inapproprite touching (high school and kind of fumbling as it was described)
- despite the emotional evening we soon get our relationship headed in a better direction.
- states she will limit contact while we work on us. That lasts about 36-48 hours each time. In which he sends her the odd message and she becpmes subversive in responding.
- i see the constant failure and remove the agreement.
- find out that the medication jad been messing with my head. I cease medication.
- whole going through withdrawls, he announces he's leaving his wife.
- things start to be better between the 3 of us. We decide to meet.
- I meet him, good conversation he is charming, is definitely a bullshitter. Red flag for me, he says that he should kill his familiy and turn the gun on himself... joking. Says to me, he threatened to shoot himself should his 13 YO daughter not answer a question... wtf?
- Meet him again, he and I talk alone for about 15 minutes. We discuss the nature of their relationship (love) and that he cant do what we do. Wants to be her friend still. Good heart to heart. Boundaries are discussed, everyone is happy.
- Breaks off the possibility of a physical relationship that night. She comes home upset and crying. I console her, we have a pleasant evening.
- next day we have planned to spend together. She wants to meet him. Small fight but I tell her to go.
- He gropes and kisses her.
- I'm upset and react. Feels like I'm being jerked around and so does she.
- they have a conversation, he apologizes but states he had promised me nothing. Cites inexperience as reasons for not knowing how to behave. Sends a coffee with her for me as an apology.
- she is defensive of him, I deny him promising me anything but iterate we had a man to man understanding that he violated.
- they talk more of business ideas together. I express I dont think this is a good idea.
- he can't do it because meeting me was weird. I had started texting with him prior - similar interests in guitar, tried to give him learning resources. Was told to cease communication as it made him uncomfortable.
- he states that he can't do a secondary role because he'd always want more. She says hes allowed to evolve.
- we set new boundaries that nothing physical should happen (he was trying to make it work with his wife).
- he expresses that this is a poker match where he has shitty cards but can't lose because if I dont let them spend time together, we break up he wins, or I let them he wins. States then that its not a game and she isn't a prize, she's worth it. States that he's always 5 moves ahead of everyone. Liles manipulating people. She sees no red flags.
- they kiss again, 3 days after things are running smoothly.
- we fight about it. He is the consummate shoulder to cry on
- we agree thay they should monitor their behavour at work better. Everyone thinks they're sleeping together because she jumps in his truck and they drive off for 45-60 minutes every morning. It embarrasses me.
- I distrust gf and start tracking her movements via electronic means.
- she leaves work with him in the morning despirmte agreement not to, I question it based on tracking knowledge. She starts to feel watched. Says its ok because they met off site.
- asks me if I'm tracking her, I deny based on the day in question because that day, I wasn't
- 12 hours later, I confess that I was. She is angry and accuses me of gaslighting, technically i did. Prior, I had confessed all wrongdoing and violations of privacy. I can't lie to her.
- I find out we had a long ago mutual friend that I knew for about 6 years. Without saying anything, I ask what his impressions were. He states: "keep him at arms legnth, he's a used car salesman, he tried to hit on my girlfriend while still married - creeped her out." I share with gf, she discounts it.
- we go on a week long vacation together - in which they're not supposed to communicate. Lots of driving so lots of talking. First 2 days are strained but it improves. We have a wonderful time. He sends an email... I allow her to text with him while we are away. Vacation is still good. We have an understanding.
- returning home, I state that they can spend as much time together as they like. Last agreement standing: no physical stuff is agreed on by all parties.
- things run smooth for a few days. They kiss again.
- we fight, I feel betrayed and sabotaged in the progress. I'm upset, she apologizes. Im still upset for a couple more days. I remove all agreements, they can do what they want now. He says they're being cruel to me... he never seems to finish his sentences... I think he wants her to cut me loose.
- she tells him about the surveillance, he expresses I will become physcially abusive. (Never have... ever)
- his wife looks me up on LinkedIn, no communication but Im worried if there will be. I ask what I should say - don't want to cause more damage to our relationship. She waffles but eventually says that I should say "they have a loving friendship" if question. Sugar coated truth, I can deal with that. I ask "was that so hard?" She gets angry and says I'm being passive aggressive. Discussion degenerates, I ask if she wants to be in this relationship with me (for the 20th time) she finally says no.
- I'm upset. We talk. She meets with friends, comes back and says I'm no longer a "fuck yes" for her (we have always said its either fuck yes of no).
- doesn't want to break up. Wants me to change and get my own fire back. Fight for her and fight for myself.
- agreements removed, he and she make out as often as possible. No restraint. I don't react.
- that evening he decides to expand on his abusive childood. Leaves work in a huff.
- next day the affection is cooler, he has a crisis at home, needs my gf to call him at night when we're together
- next day has a crisis at work.
 
Further

Needs gf to call him at night when we're together.
-- I don't react. Give them space. All of it is killing me inside but I keep cool. Waiting for him to up his game. Based on recent text messages, the game is significatly upped.
- she is performing in a burlesque show, wants him to come. I'm not comfortable but say he can sit with me. He says he'll do his best to make it. I don't think he will come because the peopme that go to shows are all my friends. Sociopaths don't like risking exposure.

So... all that said... and there is more. Everytime we hit a groove, something on his end of the game changes to disrupt. I am convinced he is manipulating her. I start researching sociopathy, there are multitudes of signs.

- initially charming
- parrots her desires sometimes long after the fact
- is adept at getting personal information about me.
- she told him I'm bi
-she told him i was sexually abused in my teens
- she told him about all the strife in our relationship
- she told him about my toxic relationship with my mother.
- she stated that she tells him things lile this and doesn't know why.
- his stories are inflated bull crap and I have proven some false. I.e. he can curl 160lbs after training for a year, leg presses 900. I could achieve these numbers after years of training and being 250lbs at 14% bf. As a pro football player.
- always talks about big ideas, never follows through
- past stories about financial endeavors don't add up
- he has no close friends
- wife offered to pay him to leave
- has not yet read one article on polyamory but claims to want to understand it.
- is boyish and immature in his affections
- "exudes" a massive intellect but didn't even know there we're creatures before dinosaurs. I dont think he's very smart. She says he's inquisitve.
- subtly exploits weakness in our relationship and manipulates until there is one. No longer.
- has exploited gf's empathy from the beginning. Always a new problem.
- refused to continue meetings with me... while maintaining that he likes me... I can see through him
- relies heavily on pity especially when our relationship has been running smoothly
- no respect for boundaries
- noticed gfs prediliction for psychology (she has a degree) talks about his mentally disrurbed child all the time
- has told her that he told his dad and children about her and how he feels.
- always lies and exaggerates
- has yet to follow through on anything (been 6 weeks since he's decided he's done with his wife)
- all of the strife in the situation is attributed to me
- tells her everything she wants to hear, just the right way, everytime
- has been manipulating both her and I from the beginning.
- has had a conversation or 3 with their boss about their situation
- has weak interpersonal relationships with most people
- started just over the last few months, going out of his way to help co workers even off the clock.

Theres so many warning signs... i can't even remember them all. She and I are in a bad spot in our relationship but we haven't broken up. I've wanted to leave... this hurts but I see this guy as a sociopath and a predator. I'm still a biffer right now and I love her with all my heart, I can't leave her to the whims of this monster. Now it's all a keep cool and wait and see. Each day shows more weakness in his camp... it pisses me off that this is a game. My life and my relationship is not a game to me...
 
Disengage with him ASAP. Engage with your gf if you must, but frankly, she's headed for a wreck and not much you can do about it if all of what you say is factually correct and she remains infatuated. If you have a history of abuse and you've attempted suicide over this once, I'd recommend CHOOSING to break off (psychologically powerful position, even if you'll be miserable) rather than remain in this toxic mess - as a safety measure. Your gf isn't fuck yes anyway. Move out while the going is good. If she gets over the toxic man, AND you both are still interested, you can reconnect. This is obviously crazy stuff.

You know he can't lose. Give him the game, get a life you desire for yourself.

Boundary violations on everyone's part. Threats of suicide on his part, attempt to suicide on yours. Manipulative behavior. All this is waiting to blow up into a massive mess.
 
This man sounds like a narcissistic manipulator, bordering on dangerous psychopath at best... an anti-social "cowboy" at best. (The things he said "as a joke" about his own family/child are a major red flag to me that he has great potential to become abusive towards your gf, should they enter into an actual relationship.)

I'd do as anamikanon suggests and take a "time out" from your relationship with your gf for the sake of your own mental health, as well as your pride.

From all you've described, manipulating your gf's affections and messing with your relationship seems more of a game (i.e. power trip) to this man, rather than a case of him having genuine feelings of love for your gf, in which case her emotional well-being would be his priority.

There is little you can do to save or "spare" your girlfriend from any possible fallout from her association with this man right now, as it seems she is well and truly under his spell - especially evident from the way even SHE admitted he somehow wrangles very private information out of her, almost without her realising it. I think subconsciously, she may realise the danger he poses, which is why she is keeping you apprised of his behaviour and statements every step of the way. She may eventually wise up to his game - but then you will have to decide if you want to reconnect in an intimate sense with someone who has treated you pretty poorly.
 
OP, this sounds like a mess that you are well rid of, and you aren't allowing your girlfriend her own agency to take care of herself. "Rescuing" her is not going to do you a bit of good and may just cause her to dig her heels in further. If you are feeling suicidal yourself, how do you expect to help HER?

Again, and I've said this before, there is real danger in assigning a DSM diagnosis to anyone unless you have the qualifications and have evaluated the person in question. Checking off boxes on an internet questionnaire does NOT count. No one knows if this jerk is a "sociopath" or a "narcissist." From what we can tell, he's a jerk to steer clear of. That's all anyone really needs to know.
 
Smitten015 said:
it pisses me off that this is a game. My life and my relationship is not a game to me...
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It wasn't clear from your message whether you were writing this to vent in a safe space or if you're asking for advice. I'll err on the side of the latter and if you weren't asking advice, then ignore this message.

From what you write, it's pretty clear to me that neither one of these people have your best interests at heart nor are they acting with any sense of kindness or empathy for you. Is he a sociopath, a narcissist, a combination of different kinds of fucked up, it's hard to say, and not being a mental health professional evaluating him, I'd say the label doesn't matter but what does matter is that he's bad news. As far as your girlfriend, she obviously doesn't see or maybe doesn't care, only she knows, but once again I'd say that it's quite possible that she's bad news for you right now.

I'm really sorry to read that while you were struggling with a medication issue that these two people were creating a situation that was so obviously toxic and painful for you, nobody deserves that. I don't know if you have a network of supportive friends but if you do, now is the time to reach out to them and lean on them for a little care and support.

As far as your situation with your GF, I understand from what I read that you're feeling very conflicted emotions regarding what you feel towards her and your relationship. I also read that you're not sure you want to break up with her because you don't want to leave her to be his "prey."

Not wanting to see someone you love and care about victimized by someone you suspect to be a sociopath is a very honorable caring thing however ultimately, do you think it's possible for you to be responsible for her well being when she's shown little regard for it? I'm assuming that she's an adult and capable of consenting to the choices she's making. Given how you describe the situation, do you think you can be responsible for anyone but yourself?

So what I would say, since you're hesitant to break up with her, take a break from communicating with her. Set a time frame, maybe a week or two, and in that time the two of you will not have any communication or interaction. My guess is that you'll have to be the one enforce the no communication, so if she reaches out, ignore it, regardless of what she says.

There's a couple reasons to take this break. Mainly it takes some of the pressure off the situation while giving you the time and space to really think about how you feel about this and how you feel about continuing in a situation that is toxic to you. You say that you're angry that this is a game and that you don't see your life as a game which I believe however as long as you continue to engage with her, regardless of your reason or intent, you're playing the game by continuing to give them both so much power over your life. You're strong enough of person to reach out here and to make it through all this bs so far which makes me believe that you're strong enough to take a stand for your own well being in this situation.

Regardless of what you do, good luck and really sorry that you're going through such a shitty situation.
 
Anamikanon:

It's odd... as i posted this and have received everyone's reponses. I have been reaching out to friends more. I've not answered to her every beck and call for the past two days and I'm already seeing a transistion. She processes quickly. She is also a good person, an empath but this guy is exploiting her more for it and I've removed myself from being a complication. That is messing with his plans. He's becoming more amd more clingy as we speak. This will deter her as I continue living.. every step i take to remove myself from being a complication, every time I don't react, he slips. He will continue to slip.

I have made plans with some friends to take a 3 or 4 day roadtrip. Just us, some guitars, and shitty gas station food. I think it would be a great way to explore and get some space.
 
Iuanbunny:

Yes, what he said in our initial interactions terrified me. I do fear for my girlfriend but becaise he has 4 kids. She will never be in a position to be what he wants. She doesnt really like kids. However, I've put myself in a position amd continue to do so as primary and being open to what she wants. He doesnt want that. He wants my place in her life...

I do plan to take time if I feel I need it. Right now, I'm in a good place but could go at the drop of a hat. My continued consistency despite his behaviour, is perplexing both of them but also likely upsetting him. He's lost his grip on me. It's kimd of funny to watch.

My gf is very intelligent and can read people best, especially one as subversive as this guy, when I'm not adding complication. As it is now, her sister is in crisis and once again, Im coming to the rescue.
 
Ppwerpuffgrl1969:

I agree. Im not a psychologist and while I have presented what has occurred to a friend of mine who is and she agreed with me, the caveat was she could not tell for certain unless she met him personally. While many signs point to yes, it would be unprofessional to say for certain.
 
Refusnik:

I was looking for a little guidance although, I know what to do. And my reactions from here on out will be protective of myself foremost and her second. I will not exude harmful energy outward any longer. The withdrawls from the meds did still permeate my system until recently. I'm fully cognitive and aware of my own place now and I'm satisfied. I do believe this man is what he shows himself to be, and while my girlfriend cam be unreasonable in her desires, removing myself as a complication will allow her the space to analyze the situation with clear eyes and a clear mind. She's already beginning to see...in a phone conversation we had not 30 minutes ago, she described their first break together as pleasant enough and the second as meh ok. I asked if anything happened, she said we kissed hello but that was it. The more I support, the less I play his game, the less he has at his disposal. Its ridiculous and silly but it is what it is.

We didn't know the medication was having that effect on me because the two situations coincided unfortunately. No ome can really be blamed for that.

The more I'm simply responsible for myself, the more she seems to want time and dialogue with me. I fought her connection because my gut had been telling me it was wrong fit. The more I fought, the more she dug in and the more she became enamored with him. It's silly but makes sense.

I'm learning and good will come of this. I know it :)
 
That was exhausting to read.

Associating with these people is not bringing out your best self. Could cease and desist.

She and I are in a bad spot in our relationship but we haven't broken up. I've wanted to leave... this hurts but I see this guy as a sociopath and a predator.
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I suggest you break up with GF. And tell you her you cannot deal with this any more, you think this guy is a sociopath and a predator and don't want to be near him. You also cannot deal with her not keeping her word any more.

She keeps picking him out. So in order to be free of him, YOU have to stop picking HER out.

She keeps breaking her word. In order to be free of that, YOU have to stop picking HER out.

Break up. Let the chips fall where they may. Or... a trial separation. Or... just check out and not engage with either but observe if things are better or not.

However you do it? Hold yourself separate and away from these people right now. Me? I'd just break up because that is clear cut and simple. But you have to pick what to do.

I'm still a biffer right now and I love her with all my heart, I can't leave her to the whims of this monster.
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You are not. She's an adult, you will have given her explanation why you have chosen to disengage (in whatever form) and swim for shore and to safety. She can swim too if she wants. But if she chooses to stay on the sinking ship? That's her choice. She is responsible for her own choices.

You have to let go of the rope.

Now it's all a keep cool and wait and see. Each day shows more weakness in his camp... it pisses me off that this is a game. My life and my relationship is not a game to me...
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Then stop playing it and let this go. She either wakes up, swims for shore too, and seeks you out make repairs once landed.

Or she carries on with him and his mess.

Either way? You can be free and out of the "games."

The more I'm simply responsible for myself...
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This. Be simply responsible for your own self. Allow others to be responsible for their own selves.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Galagirl!

Thank you for your insights. Youre absolutely right. This is toxic but I also understand that he is feeding her every line he possibly can, we wouldnt still be together if there wasn't something niggling at her. Whether thats her devotion to me or something not being right with him. That reamins to be seen. Apologies for the typos. The phone is not the best place to type from in this forum. I've succeded in every facet of our relationship but somewhere along the way, I put too much of my emotional requirements on her. Its been aboutt 3 years of that and its hard. She asked for it but didnt expext it. I need to stand on my own now and I am. It feels good. This guy may be a lot of awful things but he has been the catalyst for me to call a halt to that. He may be subversive and he may be trying to pull her away from me but she is strong. She won't be swayed by the opinions of others. I've decided what I'm going to do. I want to work on me... and honestly, it's easy. I like me. I'm going to stay with her because I know he can't handle me in the picture. I am offering her a chance to explore that as a secondary relationship and enjoy it for what it is or what it will be, despite my disdain for him. I don't get to choose that. I love her wholly and completely. Whatever sacrifice I feel i have to make is minimal. My head and heart are my own. If it doesnt work, then so be it. I can hold my head high knowing that I've done everything in my power to help her become who she is and have supported every idea she's had. I'm a good person dammit lol. And we are a good fit together. I told her that because this guy is not poly, it's irrellevant to me. I will help her facilitate that in any way but I want to stay together. She knows that to pursue a Relationship with him, might mean she would have to leave me. I'm ok with that. I'll not wait but I'll be here when and if it runs it's course.

Im going to post an email I had sent her. These are my truths.
 
You have it in writing.

Dearest M,

My dreams last night were calming and beautiful. Thoughts of wonderful times we've had and hope for future happiness with you. Combined with the serenity of some rather deep, intense feelings. I held your hand, we we're on a beach... much like Long Beach but a warmer day. You said nothing throughout, only smiled, that warm loving smile I've grown so accustomed to over the years we've shared. To you I poured the depths of my soul -

"I shall always and forever love you, mind, body, soul, and spirit. However this turns out, whether we stay together and hold hands through the abating storm or we part. If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the "no's" on their vacancy sign, if there's no one beside you when your sould departs, then I'll follow you into the dark. - Kept playing over in my mind. No matter what direction we take, I want to finish my life with you. I will always support you and continue to do my utmost to see you blossom. I want to stay with you, I want to always be by your side. If you need me to leave so you can explore this new love for what it is, I will always come back, my heart is forever yours. You are everything to me and I so much adore you for you. I want to wake up to your face one morning and hear you say "fuck yes" again. I'm so sorry my sadness weighed down on you so often. I'm making that choice for change. Sometimes we have to get that close to losing the most amazing things in our lives to understand what's at stake. - in that, I took you for granted. I hope that's all it ends up being but I know no matter what, my love for you will never change. Never. I want to be with you through this experience and hold true to my promise so long ago of making it wonderful for you. To embrace the change and understanding this has brought. I'd like that very much, I'd honestly adore you more for it. I want to excel and grow with your hand in mine and do the same for you but I know there is a chance that may not happen. You still have me for as long as you want me in your life and I intend to make good on those promises unless you decide otherwise. Whatever may come, our souls are entwined with one another and it's more beautiful than anything I've experienced. I love you dearly M. Wholly and completely."

And with that, I awoke several times, repeating the moment each time. And each time, a greater peaceful happiness fell over me. You have been truly a blessing in my life, I regret nothing save not being a better me for you. I'm changing that now. I'd be honored if you would still have me but would understand if you decide no longer. I know it would change everything but in my heart it would change nothing.

All my love forever -

C
 
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Hi Smitten015,

It sounds to me like your heart is in the right place ... You care about your girlfriend, and want to stick by her through thick and thin. And sure this other guy is a sociopath, and to him this is all a game, but if you stay by her side and love her, that's the one thing that he can't handle. She is a strong person, she will see through him eventually. Right now she is caught up in NRE. You just have to stay strong for her. Work on yourself. That's the only thing you can do anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm not sure about sending her romantic/flowery letters at this time like in your post #13.

I think you could stick to plain language and list your truths. What you are and are not up for.

Your post #12 sounds like this to me if you wrote it like a letter:

Dear M:

This situation is toxic to me. I see him feeding you lines.

I'm not sure if you stay with me because you are devoted to me or because you see something not quite right with him.

I know you are strong and won't be swayed by the opinions of others, so I'm going to back off and let you figure out what you want with this guy and if he's even worth your while. That is your choice to make.

I've decided what I'm going to do. I need to work on myself and stand on my own now and I am. It feels good.

For now, I'm willing to stay in this relationship. I am offering you a chance to explore a secondary relationship with this guy and enjoy it for what it is or what it will be, despite my dislike for him. We cannot be a in a "friendly V" so it has to be a "very separate V." You date him over there, and you date me over here and we just don't mix the sides of the V together. I just don't want to be involved in anything about him.

If "a very separate V" doesnt work out, then so be it. We can break up if you prefer to pursue a relationship with him and not keep trying with the V thing any more. I'm not going to stand in the way of your happiness.

If we break up, and then later you break up with him and want to try again with me? I'm ok if you want to look me back up.

These are my truths. I love you deeply, and I want what is best for the health of the people.

Love,
Smitten015
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And send THAT. Way more plain and to the point. You hold yourself apart from all this crazy. If a "very separate V" is not separate enough so you don't have to deal with new shenanigans? Then you have to break up with her and put even more distance between you. She keeps picking him out, so you have to stop picking her out so you get some relief from the shenanigans.

She's made promises before and broke them. So if she cannot manage to keep one simple promise of "date him over THERE and don't be telling me about him over HERE" then you know this is just same old song, different day. So to be free of it you have to put even more space in there.

I'm sorry you deal in this. I think (you taking care of you and your responsibilities and your choices) and letting (other people be responsible for their own selves and their own choices) is probably best.

Galagirl
 
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Hello again Galagirl,

I totally hear what you are saying. Your letter is much more succinct. We had a super long clear talk last night and spoke of the causes and effects. How we got to where we did and while my behaviour was my own, there were reasons for it that she completely understood. I've been very reactionary throughout all of this, I wish I wasn't/hadn't of been. I don't mean to sound like I'm heaping all the blame on myself, I'm not. I do have a healthy amount of disdain and resentment for the situation and the piles of broken agreements but ultimately, I choose to stay. We've come up with a strategy: we're going to give it a couple weeks of consistent behaviour (they meet whenever and make out but nothing beyond - I accomodate as best I can) and then I'll likely head out to my parents for a couple or three days to give her the space to think about what it is she wants. I know what I want. I did spend a few hours with the new guy yesterday while at a show in which she was performing. We got on quite well as we had in the past... she's concerned the better we get to know each other, that it may cool things off or mitigate their "horny teenager" behaviour... I'm at a loss as to why this is such a problem, the better i get to know him, the more confortable I might be... I don't get it... anyway, I hope this direction works... it will all hinge on her ability to maintain a line out of respect for us and what we're trying to heal. If she can't, then I guess I have my answer.
 
she's concerned the better we get to know each other, that it may cool things off or mitigate their "horny teenager" behaviour... I'm at a loss as to why this is such a problem,
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There's some personalities who want to be like the star of their own soap opera.

Is the whole thing about "thrill seeking" for her? Clandestine making out at work, the illicit thrill of helping him cheat on his wife, the pending divorce, the roller coaster with you. You might find all that distasteful but she might find it "exciting." So if it gets too "normal" then there goes the thrill.

But that is me guessing and I could guess wrong. Only she knows her reasons.

it will all hinge on her ability to maintain a line out of respect for us and what we're trying to heal. If she can't, then I guess I have my answer
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Yup. You can only do so much and give so many second chances.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Smitten,

It sounds like your girlfriend and the other guy actually *want* this to be an affair, like the thrill of secrecy or knowing they're doing something they're not supposed to do. If he gets to know you better, it will be more like he has your okay to do whatever, and he will be invested in not harming you. Or at least that's what she's worried about. Then he'll put the brakes on things, and voilà, less horny teenager behavior. So, is she telling you not to hang out with him anymore? or is she just expressing some concerns? Either way, I think you are on the right track. Show her as much affection as you can over the next couple of weeks, then, knock on wood.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
And he just sent her an article detailing how I'm a narcissist. We've broken up already... what the hell is he trying to do???
 
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