Approaching someone who is asexual about polyamory?

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MsEmotional

Member
Ponytail has an ex-girlfriend who he still keeps in contact with. Basically it sounds like they broke up because of sexual incompatibility but get along in all other respects. She recently learned about asexuality and told him that she finally feels like she understands herself — that it clicked. She describes herself as understanding now why she doessn’t want sex, and doesn’t want relationships (because “sex comes along with relationships”).

I know that polyamory sometimes is a relationship model that works well for asexual folks, but not being asexual myself I don’t know much about the details. Ponytail also doesn’t know if she is aromantic, or is just not interested in relationships because of the (usual) expectation for sex. How does one ask an asexual person if they would be open to a non-sexual, non-monogamous romantic relationship? Does anyone have experience with this?
 
I'm poly and ace, I know how it works for me, but not all aces are the same. In example: My first relationship came about because some guy thought I was cute, and my doctor wouldn't give the the good form of birth control (for me) until I was sexually active. We agreed this would only be a fling, and yet somehow managed to discuss marriage before the relationship was over.

I'd go about it someway of "Thank you [friend] for telling me about this off beat aspect of your life you feel comfortable in, I too have one of those called polyamory."
 
Noyse said:
I'm poly and ace, I know how it works for me, but not all aces are the same. In example: My first relationship came about because some guy thought I was cute, and my doctor wouldn't give the the good form of birth control (for me) until I was sexually active. We agreed this would only be a fling, and yet somehow managed to discuss marriage before the relationship was over.

I'd go about it someway of "Thank you [friend] for telling me about this off beat aspect of your life you feel comfortable in, I too have one of those called polyamory."
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Thank you for sharing!

Ok, so you’re saying that it would be best to broach it by explaining polyamory and seeing what she says? That’s better than showing interest in rekindling a relationship and then explaining why (because of consensual non-monogamy) sex wouldn’t have be an issue this time around?
 
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For me personally, it would be a huge red flag. Like you have this all planned out without considering me. But I'm not Ponytail's ex, and I don't know their dynamic.
 
Noyse said:
For me personally, it would be a huge red flag. Like you have this all planned out without considering me. But I'm not Ponytail's ex, and I don't know their dynamic.
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This is good for him to know too, and to think about before he talks to her. He's a little uncertain but really wants to ask her if she'd be interested in seeing him again if sex weren't an expectation.

I am going to stay out of things because I don't know much about their dynamic either!
 
Hi MsEmotional,

If I were Ponytail, I might say something like, "I've recently learned about something called polyamory, there is romantic bonds between multiple people, but sex is not necessarily expected. Would you be interested?" Of course I don't know his ex, if I did, I might word it differently. But of course you can use my words, and adjust them as appropriate. I do think polyamory could offer her something valuable, if she's interested.

Keep us posted (if you're willing) on whether Ponytail decides to approach her, what he says, and how she responds.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
MsEmotional said:
This is good for him to know too, and to think about before he talks to her. He's a little uncertain but really wants to ask her if she'd be interested in seeing him again if sex weren't an expectation.

I am going to stay out of things because I don't know much about their dynamic either!
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If she is comfortable enough to talk to him about her asexuality it seems like she might not be offended to carry the conversation further.

Like he could say: "Hey, Ex, I am really excited for you that you have discovered something in the concept of asexuality that resonates with you and gives you insight into understanding yourself. How does this affect your feelings about relationships and intimacy?

For myself, I have been exploring the concept and practice of polyamory - I'm currently dating a great lady who has other partners as well. This is what appeals to me x/y/z, and this is what has been hard for me p/d/q.

Isn't it awesome how people continue to grow and change and learn more about themselves and other people? If you ever find yourself interested in seeing what relationship WE could have if we took the expectations of sex and exclusivity OFF of the table - I would be totally excited to try out that model with you!"
 
I guess the only way to know is ask. I'd suggest beginning with reassuring that her asexuality is understood and accepted, however he still desires a romantic relationship with her.

I used to be asexual, but have not really bothered to read up on it. A friend had once explained that there are also other factors. Emotional, biological, phase/age/always and even sexual (for example, not desiring another person, but masturbating often or desiring physical touch/affection, but not sexual). Any of those could also factor into whether she desires another person to be close to, without sex. If she's steered clear of relationships because of the sex that comes along with them, there is a possibility she may be interested if he assures her that he understands that sex is off the table.
 
Ravenscroft said:
:confused:

"Can we be friends?"

Right?
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I could be wrong, but I don't think that is what MsEmotional means.

I gather her partner Ponytail would like to engage in a romantic relationship with his ex-girlfriend again, albeit without the sex.

So, more than "just good friends", but not as physically intimate as a fully reciprocal sexual relationship.

For example (and I'm literally just using examples off the top of my head here):
- Ponytail and ex-girlfriend may choose to kiss intimately and participate in some physical closeness short of actual sex.
- They may wish to do all the "coupley" things such as celebrate Valentine's Day with a romantic dinner and call each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" or "partner/s", but NOT be physically intimate beyond what close friends might do.
- They may choose to live together at some stage - by themselves or in a polycule with Glasses and MsEmotional - and/or share a bed or bedroom, but not participate in overt sexual activity.
- They may wish for the girlfriend to conceive (naturally or by artificial insemination or surrogacy) and co-parent the child, even though they don't choose to maintain an ongoing sexual relationship.

All of these things go beyond the scope of ordinary friendship in most people's view, but may be construed as behaviour that goes hand-in-hand with a romantic relationship or domestic partnership.
 
lunabunny said:
I could be wrong, but I don't think that is what MsEmotional means.

I gather her partner Ponytail would like to engage in a romantic relationship with his ex-girlfriend again, albeit without the sex.

So, more than "just good friends", but not as physically intimate as a fully reciprocal sexual relationship.

For example (and I'm literally just using examples off the top of my head here):
- Ponytail and ex-girlfriend may choose to kiss intimately and participate in some physical closeness short of actual sex.
- They may wish to do all the "coupley" things such as celebrate Valentine's Day with a romantic dinner and call each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" or "partner/s", but NOT be physically intimate beyond what close friends might do.
- They may choose to live together at some stage - by themselves or in a polycule with Glasses and MsEmotional - and/or share a bed or bedroom, but not participate in overt sexual activity.
- They may wish for the girlfriend to conceive (naturally or by artificial insemination or surrogacy) and co-parent the child, even though they don't choose to maintain an ongoing sexual relationship.

All of these things go beyond the scope of ordinary friendship in most people's view, but may be construed as behaviour that goes hand-in-hand with a romantic relationship or domestic partnership.
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Yes to all of this.
 
Ummm... hmm?

How is it that
lunabunny said:
without the sex.
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somehow leads to
lunabunny said:
They may wish for the girlfriend to conceive (naturally or by artificial insemination or surrogacy) and co-parent the child, even though they don't choose to maintain an ongoing sexual relationship.
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:confused:

I mean, speaking just for my literal self, who the fuck is THEY that she's going to get knocked up without sexual desire? Sounds kinda rapey, whether or not a turkey baster is involved. :eek:

Is there something about the definition (of the moment) of POLYAMORY that I am missing out on here?
 
Ravenscroft said:
Ummm... hmm?

How is it that

somehow leads to

:confused:

I mean, speaking just for my literal self, who the fuck is THEY that she's going to get knocked up without sexual desire? Sounds kinda rapey, whether or not a turkey baster is involved. :eek:

Is there something about the definition (of the moment) of POLYAMORY that I am missing out on here?
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Oh no, I wasn't suggesting anything at all "rapey". :(

THEY, in this instance, meaning the hypothetical couple in question (i.e. Ponytail and his former girlfriend), should THEY wish to conceive a child by whatever means, yet choose not to continue to participate in an ongoing sexual relationship.


There is no way I am suggesting or condoning anyone pressuring anyone else into engaging in any activity purely for the sake of procreation. But hey, if BOTH people concerned decide that having a child is something they'd consider, it wouldn't be unheard of for them to decide on some kind of means to an end, turkey basters included.

Like I said, I was just positing some possible scenarios wherein two people who love each other in a romantic sense MAY choose to engage in a loving, committed relationship without wanting or needing to participate in an on-going sexual relationship purely for the physical pleasure it brings most other people.
 
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