AutumnLeaves
New member
Just now reading about your daughter. OMG that sucks. Hugs and hopes for a full recovery. I know you're feeling overwhelmed, but you got this.
Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love
- Thread starter Bluebird
- Start date
Bluebird
Well-known member
Thanks!
All of my kittens were adopted this weekend, except for the two that aren’t ready yet, and the 4 month old. That one went to live at PetSmart in their cages, and the 2 who have to wait will be going to their new foster home on Wednesday night. So I am glad there is a plan in place for that.
Today DarkKnight and I picked up moving boxes from the local game store and filled them all. I also had 5 Rubbermaid totes borrowed from our Pandemic Legacy friend, which we filled with clothing and items that my daughter needs to sort through. So all of those are now in my living room, awaiting her attention. I ran out of packing materials, but an online person offered a lot more boxes, so DarkKnight is going to pick those up tomorrow afternoon.
Right now the plan is for me to go and rent a storage unit tomorrow, and everything we packed today will be moved over there then. PunkRock says he will move my daughter’s pet snake back to our house on Friday after work, and we’ll rent a moving truck on Saturday to bring over her bed and all the other furniture to the storage unit. All week long I hope to bring boxes to storage, a little each day. I want to have the place empty and clean before Thanksgiving. It’s a lot of work but I do well with a plan! I canceled both classes this week, so i will be able to be there for my daughter for her surgery Tuesday and work on moving all week.
All of my kittens were adopted this weekend, except for the two that aren’t ready yet, and the 4 month old. That one went to live at PetSmart in their cages, and the 2 who have to wait will be going to their new foster home on Wednesday night. So I am glad there is a plan in place for that.
Today DarkKnight and I picked up moving boxes from the local game store and filled them all. I also had 5 Rubbermaid totes borrowed from our Pandemic Legacy friend, which we filled with clothing and items that my daughter needs to sort through. So all of those are now in my living room, awaiting her attention. I ran out of packing materials, but an online person offered a lot more boxes, so DarkKnight is going to pick those up tomorrow afternoon.
Right now the plan is for me to go and rent a storage unit tomorrow, and everything we packed today will be moved over there then. PunkRock says he will move my daughter’s pet snake back to our house on Friday after work, and we’ll rent a moving truck on Saturday to bring over her bed and all the other furniture to the storage unit. All week long I hope to bring boxes to storage, a little each day. I want to have the place empty and clean before Thanksgiving. It’s a lot of work but I do well with a plan! I canceled both classes this week, so i will be able to be there for my daughter for her surgery Tuesday and work on moving all week.
Whew! My sympathies to your daughter and to you. Even minorly broken bones are so painful, I hate to think what she is going through! And you were just getting your household in order when this throws everything out of whack! I know you and your loved ones will manage it all no matter the complications, you always find a way.
Leetah
Leetah
Bluebird
Well-known member
Yeah, my house was still a crazy stacked up mess - now it’s crazypants. PunkRock finally has the unfinished half of the basement sorted, so there is room for me to take all of the storage totes in the sunporch down there. Only, I have zero time to sort through them this week. Maybe next? It’s all holiday stuff. But once the sunporch is emptied, then the outdoor patio furniture that I bought will go in there for the winter. I never found time to paint it. Shit, half the trim and doors in my house have no paint. All the little touchups everywhere need to be done. I don’t want to start listing things, or I will cry.
My schedule this week is continually being overwritten. Thank fucking god I canceled my classes!
Yesterday I had sex 3 times, once in the morning with DarkKnight, followed up by PunkRock shortly thereafter, and then PunkRock again that night, when I thought we were going to sleep. You’d think that would leave me sated, but I masturbated this morning as well. Stress will either have me drop dead, asleep on my feet, or so full of stuff in my head that I need sex as a coping mechanism to soothe my frazzled nerves. It was kinda awesome - DarkKnight approached me for sex, and the morning session with PunkRock - he had told me the night prior he wanted to be woken up with sexytimes. All of them were very, very good for me.
That said, I’ve had nightmares the last two nights and terrible stress dreams as well. All involving kittens. D’oh!
So anyway, today I stayed in bed until PunkRock had to leave for work - I think it was around 11 am. It was fitful, as I hadn’t slept well due to the nightmares, and it was that early morning UGH sleep where you really want to pass out but it’s just impossible so you just lay there and doze in and out. Yeah. After showering, I discovered that last Thursday’s deposit STILL hadn’t shown up in my bank account, so I was still broke, as I had been all weekend. I have seriously been dumping $5 at a time into my gas tank because I have so much going out right now. So yeah, another $5 in gas, and then I went over to the animal shelter. I had to drop off all of the sharps from the distemper shots PunkRock did for the kittens this weekend, as well as the folders from the adoptions I facilitated. Then I went and ate some comfort food for lunch at Boston Market.By the time all of that got done - which you’d think wouldn’t take long at all, but totally did - it was almost 2:30 pm. I went home, swapped out some laundry and did some research on new beds for my daughter.
While I was involved in that, DarkKnight went and picked up some moving boxes from someone on the Internet, and then together we went to my daughter’s apartment. We ran out of packing tape, but I did manage to finish up her kitchen and bedroom, and there’s like half a bookcase to finish in her living room.we came home, had dinner, and DarkKnight is doing dishes right now. I swapped out and folded laundry, and emptied the cat litter boxes since it is garbage night.
Tomorrow morning I hope to get up early enough to get over to the cable company and drop off my daughter’s modem and cancel service. She needs to be at the hospital at 10 am, and surgery is scheduled for noon. No one thought to ask how long the surgery would be! Also, I didn’t plan well, because neither DarkKnight and PunkRock could get off of work because I didn’t ask. I am already feeling upset and stressed about my baby girl being in surgery. I did talk to SirGawain a little bit he didn’t offer to come over and I felt hesitant to ask. I might ask. Last time my daughter had surgery I cried the entire time. I am trying to stay strong and positive in front of her though. This is scary though, because she is high risk for blood clots. I am really worried about that. The surgeon is too - he told us as much.
So yeah. If I can keep it together, I am going to try and grade this week’s Chemistry quizzes while my daughter is in surgery. I haven’t printed them yet, so that’s kind of a prerequisite. Sigh. I also need to do budgeting for both my daughter and my own household. I mentioned buying a bed - this is an absolute necessity right now for her! Her bed has seriously been in the family for decades. I don’t even remember when we originally got it, but it wasn’t new when it came into our possession! She had been saving up, but there is no way she can use that bed to recover on for 8 months. The plan now is to buy a memory foam mattress from Amazon, along with a new frame. If I finally get my fucking deposit tomorrow (and I should) I can order it in the morning and hopefully it will be here Thursday. It’s supposed to sit out for 48 hours before using, and I think that will be perfect since her room will be ready on Saturday.
My son called today and he is going to come over on Wednesday to move all of the boxes I have packed so far into my car that day. I hope to get a storage unit and have all of the boxes out of my daughter’s apartment by Wednesday night. I think that is doable. I have yet to pack up her loft, but that shouldn’t take but a couple of hours. Wednesday night I need to then take my two remaining foster cats to the shelter for their rehoming. If everything goes ok, I need to go see SirGawain. We haven’t had a sleepover in over a week, but I just haven’t been able to get away.
Gah! At some point tomorrow I HAVE to go grocery shopping. We are bare bones around here.
I just took some headache medicine. I think I am just hanging on at this point. One thing to the next thing to the next thing. This is too long. Friday PunkRock will be moving my daughter’s snake over, and on Saturday we are renting a moving truck to put all of her furniture in storage. Hopefully by Sunday the apartment will be clean and empty and I can get the keys over to the landlord. To have this week of chaos over will be wonderful.
My schedule this week is continually being overwritten. Thank fucking god I canceled my classes!
Yesterday I had sex 3 times, once in the morning with DarkKnight, followed up by PunkRock shortly thereafter, and then PunkRock again that night, when I thought we were going to sleep. You’d think that would leave me sated, but I masturbated this morning as well. Stress will either have me drop dead, asleep on my feet, or so full of stuff in my head that I need sex as a coping mechanism to soothe my frazzled nerves. It was kinda awesome - DarkKnight approached me for sex, and the morning session with PunkRock - he had told me the night prior he wanted to be woken up with sexytimes. All of them were very, very good for me.
That said, I’ve had nightmares the last two nights and terrible stress dreams as well. All involving kittens. D’oh!
So anyway, today I stayed in bed until PunkRock had to leave for work - I think it was around 11 am. It was fitful, as I hadn’t slept well due to the nightmares, and it was that early morning UGH sleep where you really want to pass out but it’s just impossible so you just lay there and doze in and out. Yeah. After showering, I discovered that last Thursday’s deposit STILL hadn’t shown up in my bank account, so I was still broke, as I had been all weekend. I have seriously been dumping $5 at a time into my gas tank because I have so much going out right now. So yeah, another $5 in gas, and then I went over to the animal shelter. I had to drop off all of the sharps from the distemper shots PunkRock did for the kittens this weekend, as well as the folders from the adoptions I facilitated. Then I went and ate some comfort food for lunch at Boston Market.By the time all of that got done - which you’d think wouldn’t take long at all, but totally did - it was almost 2:30 pm. I went home, swapped out some laundry and did some research on new beds for my daughter.
While I was involved in that, DarkKnight went and picked up some moving boxes from someone on the Internet, and then together we went to my daughter’s apartment. We ran out of packing tape, but I did manage to finish up her kitchen and bedroom, and there’s like half a bookcase to finish in her living room.we came home, had dinner, and DarkKnight is doing dishes right now. I swapped out and folded laundry, and emptied the cat litter boxes since it is garbage night.
Tomorrow morning I hope to get up early enough to get over to the cable company and drop off my daughter’s modem and cancel service. She needs to be at the hospital at 10 am, and surgery is scheduled for noon. No one thought to ask how long the surgery would be! Also, I didn’t plan well, because neither DarkKnight and PunkRock could get off of work because I didn’t ask. I am already feeling upset and stressed about my baby girl being in surgery. I did talk to SirGawain a little bit he didn’t offer to come over and I felt hesitant to ask. I might ask. Last time my daughter had surgery I cried the entire time. I am trying to stay strong and positive in front of her though. This is scary though, because she is high risk for blood clots. I am really worried about that. The surgeon is too - he told us as much.
So yeah. If I can keep it together, I am going to try and grade this week’s Chemistry quizzes while my daughter is in surgery. I haven’t printed them yet, so that’s kind of a prerequisite. Sigh. I also need to do budgeting for both my daughter and my own household. I mentioned buying a bed - this is an absolute necessity right now for her! Her bed has seriously been in the family for decades. I don’t even remember when we originally got it, but it wasn’t new when it came into our possession! She had been saving up, but there is no way she can use that bed to recover on for 8 months. The plan now is to buy a memory foam mattress from Amazon, along with a new frame. If I finally get my fucking deposit tomorrow (and I should) I can order it in the morning and hopefully it will be here Thursday. It’s supposed to sit out for 48 hours before using, and I think that will be perfect since her room will be ready on Saturday.
My son called today and he is going to come over on Wednesday to move all of the boxes I have packed so far into my car that day. I hope to get a storage unit and have all of the boxes out of my daughter’s apartment by Wednesday night. I think that is doable. I have yet to pack up her loft, but that shouldn’t take but a couple of hours. Wednesday night I need to then take my two remaining foster cats to the shelter for their rehoming. If everything goes ok, I need to go see SirGawain. We haven’t had a sleepover in over a week, but I just haven’t been able to get away.
Gah! At some point tomorrow I HAVE to go grocery shopping. We are bare bones around here.
I just took some headache medicine. I think I am just hanging on at this point. One thing to the next thing to the next thing. This is too long. Friday PunkRock will be moving my daughter’s snake over, and on Saturday we are renting a moving truck to put all of her furniture in storage. Hopefully by Sunday the apartment will be clean and empty and I can get the keys over to the landlord. To have this week of chaos over will be wonderful.
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Bluebird, I am so sorry to read about your daughter and all the extra work it causes you! I can relate to health worries stress, having been through my cancer in the past year. It SUCKS!!! Poor kid, I hate she has to suffer, but she will get through it! Young people heal quick! I hope she does better and heals faster than anyone expects, and gets back to a good life.
So I am not quite sure, but I think you mean you had to clear out the cat room to be your daughter's room? I am so sorry you will need to give up fostering for a while. You were doing wonderful work and it made you happy.
I hope all your men keep stepping up and you get lots of physical and emotional help, as well as lots and lots of stress relieving sex!
(((((((many hugs))))))
So I am not quite sure, but I think you mean you had to clear out the cat room to be your daughter's room? I am so sorry you will need to give up fostering for a while. You were doing wonderful work and it made you happy.
I hope all your men keep stepping up and you get lots of physical and emotional help, as well as lots and lots of stress relieving sex!
(((((((many hugs))))))
Bluebird
Well-known member
Yes, the kitten room is my daughter’s room, so everything I have started there is now going into storage. 
It’ll be back eventually.
Good news though! We went to the hospital at 10 am yesterday, and after getting an IV and all prepped for surgery, the doctor came in to tell us he was canceling! Apparently the CT scan gave him a different view of the foot, and though it is broken all across the top in multiple places, the edges are still intact, so he didn’t need to put in a metal plate after all. We are looking at HALF the recovery time now! 4 months is much better than 8 months, that’s for sure! The relief my daughter felt was palpable. Poor baby. Unfortunately, the immediate effects are still the same - she can’t drive, can’t work and can’t live alone in her apartment. So we continue as we have, though the long term look is much improved!
In two weeks she will be going to see the orthopedic surgeon again, and he’s going to give her a cast. She’ll have that for 6-8 weeks. Then a boot, for another 6 weeks. He said she will still have life-long arthritis and pain, but that was going to be the case either way. But, she will be able to heal without surgery!
I did order her a new bed yesterday from Amazon, and I hope it turns out ok. Anything is better than what she currently has - one of her goals was to replace her existing mattress & boxspring, and I just couldn’t have her using that when recovering. I bought a frame that has a built-in boxspring and a memory foam/spring mattress. It will arrive on Thursday. Since the goal is to have her back into the bedroom on saturday, I figure that will give it enough time to roll out and recover from shipping. Both pieces were rated highly, so we will see!
Yesterday really was a roller coaster of emotions. SirGawain did come over in the morning to meet us at the hospital, but he arrived right after we left, and I redirected him to Panera Bread, since my daughter wa starving and nrequested broccoli cheddar soup. Lol He told me he was going to offer to come initially, but then thought maybe he’d be overstepping his place in my life. That made me
Feel kind of shitty, to be honest. I have never wanted him to feel like he wasn’t important to me or that I wouldn’t welcome his presence - especially when his presence was so greatly appreciated!
We dropped my daughter at home, where a friend of hers was bringing her Starbucks. SirGawain and I spent the rest of the day running errands - I had to drop off my daughter’s modem and cancel her internet service, and then spend some time at the insurance office. She had had issues with her renter’s insurance, but I got it squared away and canceled, and then the rep gave me a price quote on changing up her car insurance. Can you imagine?! She pays $176/ month for basic liability on her vehicle. If we add my name to her title (at the cost of around $100) I can put it and her on my own policy and it will only increase my bill by $50/month. Since she can’t freaking drive there is zero chance of her getting into an accident and raising my rates, so I now have a trip to the MVA on my to do list. Maybe Thursday?
What else? We went and I got a storage unit in my name, so that is all ready to go now. I paid up through January 1. My son will be here at 10 am today, to load boxes and we’ll get as many as the two of us can into storage this morning. I am going to be packing my daughter’s loft area as well. It’s doable, but I am so very tired of this process already! I have so much to do here at my own house that is getting shuffled to the side. Sigh. Did everyone know that next weekend is Thanksgiving?! My tree is not up, the ornaments are unsorted and I have yet to make a menu or shopping list for the dinner. My other daughter and her boyfriend will be here next Friday! I am freaking out about this, more than just a little, but I can’t stress about that yet because I don’t have time. DarkKnight says he has all next week off, and we will get it done. It’ll work out; he’s right. But yikes!
So, anyway, I also did a good sized shopping trip last night at Sam’s Club, but after that, I was worn out and SirGawain deserved better than nothing but a day of errand running with me! DarkKnight left for his choral rehearsal, so we decided to go to Mango Grill for dinner, where we were met by PunkRockAwesomesauce. The food was amazing and it was definitely restorative. Lol SirGawain ended up leaving right from there to go home, and PunkRock and I came back home to eat cupcakes and take care of the remaining two kittens.
After working with my son today on box removal, I need to take the remaining kittens to the shelter to go home with their new foster parent. I am donating my extra litter and food and then everything else needs to go into storage.I will empty out the room on Thursday - I plan to spend tomorrow night as a sleepover with SirGawain.
It’ll be back eventually.Good news though! We went to the hospital at 10 am yesterday, and after getting an IV and all prepped for surgery, the doctor came in to tell us he was canceling! Apparently the CT scan gave him a different view of the foot, and though it is broken all across the top in multiple places, the edges are still intact, so he didn’t need to put in a metal plate after all. We are looking at HALF the recovery time now! 4 months is much better than 8 months, that’s for sure! The relief my daughter felt was palpable. Poor baby. Unfortunately, the immediate effects are still the same - she can’t drive, can’t work and can’t live alone in her apartment. So we continue as we have, though the long term look is much improved!
In two weeks she will be going to see the orthopedic surgeon again, and he’s going to give her a cast. She’ll have that for 6-8 weeks. Then a boot, for another 6 weeks. He said she will still have life-long arthritis and pain, but that was going to be the case either way. But, she will be able to heal without surgery!
I did order her a new bed yesterday from Amazon, and I hope it turns out ok. Anything is better than what she currently has - one of her goals was to replace her existing mattress & boxspring, and I just couldn’t have her using that when recovering. I bought a frame that has a built-in boxspring and a memory foam/spring mattress. It will arrive on Thursday. Since the goal is to have her back into the bedroom on saturday, I figure that will give it enough time to roll out and recover from shipping.
Both pieces were rated highly, so we will see!Yesterday really was a roller coaster of emotions. SirGawain did come over in the morning to meet us at the hospital, but he arrived right after we left, and I redirected him to Panera Bread, since my daughter wa starving and nrequested broccoli cheddar soup. Lol He told me he was going to offer to come initially, but then thought maybe he’d be overstepping his place in my life. That made me
Feel kind of shitty, to be honest. I have never wanted him to feel like he wasn’t important to me or that I wouldn’t welcome his presence - especially when his presence was so greatly appreciated!
We dropped my daughter at home, where a friend of hers was bringing her Starbucks. SirGawain and I spent the rest of the day running errands - I had to drop off my daughter’s modem and cancel her internet service, and then spend some time at the insurance office. She had had issues with her renter’s insurance, but I got it squared away and canceled, and then the rep gave me a price quote on changing up her car insurance. Can you imagine?! She pays $176/ month for basic liability on her vehicle. If we add my name to her title (at the cost of around $100) I can put it and her on my own policy and it will only increase my bill by $50/month. Since she can’t freaking drive there is zero chance of her getting into an accident and raising my rates, so I now have a trip to the MVA on my to do list. Maybe Thursday?
What else? We went and I got a storage unit in my name, so that is all ready to go now. I paid up through January 1. My son will be here at 10 am today, to load boxes and we’ll get as many as the two of us can into storage this morning. I am going to be packing my daughter’s loft area as well. It’s doable, but I am so very tired of this process already! I have so much to do here at my own house that is getting shuffled to the side. Sigh. Did everyone know that next weekend is Thanksgiving?! My tree is not up, the ornaments are unsorted and I have yet to make a menu or shopping list for the dinner. My other daughter and her boyfriend will be here next Friday! I am freaking out about this, more than just a little, but I can’t stress about that yet because I don’t have time. DarkKnight says he has all next week off, and we will get it done. It’ll work out; he’s right. But yikes!
So, anyway, I also did a good sized shopping trip last night at Sam’s Club, but after that, I was worn out and SirGawain deserved better than nothing but a day of errand running with me! DarkKnight left for his choral rehearsal, so we decided to go to Mango Grill for dinner, where we were met by PunkRockAwesomesauce. The food was amazing and it was definitely restorative. Lol SirGawain ended up leaving right from there to go home, and PunkRock and I came back home to eat cupcakes and take care of the remaining two kittens.
After working with my son today on box removal, I need to take the remaining kittens to the shelter to go home with their new foster parent. I am donating my extra litter and food and then everything else needs to go into storage.I will empty out the room on Thursday - I plan to spend tomorrow night as a sleepover with SirGawain.
Bluebird
Well-known member
That was getting super long, so I decided to start another entry. I wanted to mention that out of the blue, I received a message from Greg yesterday. This was surprising because he had straight up ghosted me after I told him that I was seeing someone with herpes. He told me that he had kinda freaked out and didn’t know what to say and now he felt pretty shitty about itand wanted to apologize. In spite of that, he was all over the place in his conversation with me and I couldn’t figure out really what he wanted. I told him straight out a couple of times that he wasn’t being clear and that I was confused. I need to talk with him some more.
Which may sound kind of wonky, I know. I am not used to giving guys a second chance if they ghost, but I DO understand his hesitation and need to step back and really think about whether he wanted to be in a polycule with someone who has a connection with a positive person. However, the fact that he just disappeared without discussing anything at all was kinda hurtful, and I told him that. Nothing has changed from that time, and he still seemed like he didn’t know what he wanted from me. I told him I was willing to dialogue some more, because, well, I like him. But I am not going to tolerate communication lapses - it’s just a crappy way to treat someone. I hope to be able to carve out some time to discuss stuff soon. He says he is still interested in me. I guess we will go from there.
I actually had a talk about it briefly with SirGawain yesterday too. He told me he remains concerned about his status as boyfriend material, as he may get a job in DC working in big law again, which means he won’t have time for even himself during the week. I told him that we would worry about that when it happened. I have enough to bother over right now. I really haven’t had a whole lot of time to sort out my feelings with him - I do enjoy my time with him, in and out of the bedroom - but I just can’t bring myself to trust more. It has zero to do with him, so I feel crappy about it. Also, we need to seriously schedule some dates that aren’t just dinner and a sleepover. It’s all I seem to have time for lately, and we haven’t done much out of the bedroom that is fun and couple-y, if that makes sense. We did go see Thor together, but DarkKnight went too. I want to schedule a real date soon. We talked about laser tag a while back - maybe we can do that tonight. Though, I don’t really see that happening. After moving boxes all day, I am going to probably not want to run around like a fruitcake!
Which may sound kind of wonky, I know. I am not used to giving guys a second chance if they ghost, but I DO understand his hesitation and need to step back and really think about whether he wanted to be in a polycule with someone who has a connection with a positive person. However, the fact that he just disappeared without discussing anything at all was kinda hurtful, and I told him that. Nothing has changed from that time, and he still seemed like he didn’t know what he wanted from me. I told him I was willing to dialogue some more, because, well, I like him. But I am not going to tolerate communication lapses - it’s just a crappy way to treat someone. I hope to be able to carve out some time to discuss stuff soon. He says he is still interested in me. I guess we will go from there.
I actually had a talk about it briefly with SirGawain yesterday too. He told me he remains concerned about his status as boyfriend material, as he may get a job in DC working in big law again, which means he won’t have time for even himself during the week. I told him that we would worry about that when it happened. I have enough to bother over right now. I really haven’t had a whole lot of time to sort out my feelings with him - I do enjoy my time with him, in and out of the bedroom - but I just can’t bring myself to trust more. It has zero to do with him, so I feel crappy about it. Also, we need to seriously schedule some dates that aren’t just dinner and a sleepover. It’s all I seem to have time for lately, and we haven’t done much out of the bedroom that is fun and couple-y, if that makes sense. We did go see Thor together, but DarkKnight went too. I want to schedule a real date soon. We talked about laser tag a while back - maybe we can do that tonight. Though, I don’t really see that happening. After moving boxes all day, I am going to probably not want to run around like a fruitcake!
Oh I am SO glad your daughter's foot is only half as bad as you/she/they thought! What a relief she won't need surgery!!
Can I just backtrack and say it's seriously creepy that WarMan is still reading your blog and had the temerity to post on it! Seriously, man, get a life and leave BB alone!
Can I just backtrack and say it's seriously creepy that WarMan is still reading your blog and had the temerity to post on it! Seriously, man, get a life and leave BB alone!
Bluebird
Well-known member
I wouldn’t call it creepy. I know for a fact there are a couple of guys I have dated that still read what I write. That said, it puts me out of sorts that he posted publicly. I feel, if he really cared, it would have been a private message. As busy as I am, I know several hundred people saw the post before I did and it really put me into a negative headspace, because then I couldn’t just ignore it. It was controlling.
At the end of our relationship, he was falling apart and not healthy in any way. If that were the extent of it, I could probably be ok with considering him a friend. But from the very beginning, he lovebombed and lied about himself, and he gaslighted me throughout. That’s not normal relating behavior. I can’t put myself in any sort of position where I would be vulnerable to those things. Because I still love and care about him, I would be vulnerable. Since I am like 99% sure he hasn’t gotten therapy or help on learning how to communicate and function within a relationship, if I allowed him into my life, it would be a disaster for me.
I hope that makes sense.
At the end of our relationship, he was falling apart and not healthy in any way. If that were the extent of it, I could probably be ok with considering him a friend. But from the very beginning, he lovebombed and lied about himself, and he gaslighted me throughout. That’s not normal relating behavior. I can’t put myself in any sort of position where I would be vulnerable to those things. Because I still love and care about him, I would be vulnerable. Since I am like 99% sure he hasn’t gotten therapy or help on learning how to communicate and function within a relationship, if I allowed him into my life, it would be a disaster for me.
I hope that makes sense.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Well yesterday ended up not going as planned. I overslept and my son showed up late, and then when I went to feed my foster kitties, we discovered that Queen had once again removed her cast. So, instead of spending the morning moving boxes into the storage unit, I had to take both cats over to the clinic, since there was no sense going to the shelter twice today. We donated two huge bags of litter, two bags of Iams kitten food, and about 20 cans of wet kitten food.
After we finally finished there, we made three trips to the storage unit. Everything loose is packed at my daughter’s apartment now, except for half a bookcase. We ran out of packing tape again! My son also managed to squeeze in her kitchen table and chairs, so that was good.
We finished up around 4 pm, so I was able to head out to Frederick to stay at SirGawain’s after taking care of some at home stuff. I was really eager to see him, as it felt like we hadn’t had a sleepover in forever! We met at Barnes & Noble and I bought a book. We had dinner together st Chili’s, and I told him I was concerned about whether or not we’d be still seeing each other at christmas, as now he had made several comments over time about how when he gets a job it’ll be in DC, and with big law he won’t be home til super late, and how he isn’t looking forward to driving up over the mountain to see me once the weather gets shitty. Like, he has made these comments more than once. I’m like, are you trying to dial back our relationship? I wanted him to be more direct, rather than seemingly beating around the bush about things. Again - remnants of WarMan - he had early on said he wanted a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, so I have been thinking maybe he is trying to find ways to suggest we fall back to a booty call/FWB status or something.
He told me that he wasn’t thinking like that at all, but in fact the opposite! That he was worried that if he started working late and not being able to see me during the week, that maybe I would want to downgrade him - he was trying to manage my expectations so I would be more understanding in the future. I found that kinda sweet, but I told him not to do that, and instead just be more direct, like saying he was worried or concerned or whatever.
I was pretty tired after dinner, and when we went back to his house, I crashed and read my book for a couple of hours, and then we had some good sex. In the morning, we had breakfast at a local diner and then I was headed back to Hagerstown. I remain concerned that whenever we are together lately that our dates are just dinner and then bed, or him coming with me to run errands. I don’t think that is the fault of anyone, just kind of speaking to how crazy busy my life has gotten. I don’t want him to feel like he’s not important to me, so he needs to just be happy with whatever I can give him.
At dinner, I had mentioned to SirGawain that Greg had messaged me, and later he was asking more about what we discussed, etc. I reassured him that I wasn’t thinking of replacing him with Greg or shifting his time to even less. I really think I am reading things correctly and that SirGawain is crazy in love with me, and wants to see me more often. I feel bad that I am not there yet. This is the first relationship i have been in, ever, where I feel like the emotions are mismatched. That makes me feel sad, because I do care about him, but for reasons that I mentioned before in other posts, I am just not there yet. And I think he knows that, and he isn’t pushing me at all, which I really appreciate.
I do want to say that I do think that my feelings for him are growing stronger. I would like to see more romantic type of gestures from him, but I think again, he is holding back to not freak me out. However, I need something to build off of and we need to spend some time doing something together at this point, that isn’t dinner and fucking. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy both of those things immensely, but we need some experiences together too. I have these and build dates into my week with both of my husbands, but due to the scheduling lately, it’s been really difficult on my end to give him the same. I’m kind of a shitty girlfriend right now. My life is kind of chaotic right now - what can I say?
I am going to snag another overnight with him Sunday, maybe. I told him on my way out today that his household mess situation has GOT to get sorted because I am not enjoying my time at his place because it’s icky. He agreed that this was the case, and I told him on our next date day, I wanted to spend time together on his kitchen again. Not a super fun date, but it needs to happen. I know he wants to see Justice League soon, as does DarkKnight, so we might all do that together, because I honestly don’t want to see that twice. Lol Maybe Tuesday? IDK. (I think PunkRock and I are going to go see the Orient Express movie tomorrow.)
After we finally finished there, we made three trips to the storage unit. Everything loose is packed at my daughter’s apartment now, except for half a bookcase. We ran out of packing tape again! My son also managed to squeeze in her kitchen table and chairs, so that was good.
We finished up around 4 pm, so I was able to head out to Frederick to stay at SirGawain’s after taking care of some at home stuff. I was really eager to see him, as it felt like we hadn’t had a sleepover in forever! We met at Barnes & Noble and I bought a book. We had dinner together st Chili’s, and I told him I was concerned about whether or not we’d be still seeing each other at christmas, as now he had made several comments over time about how when he gets a job it’ll be in DC, and with big law he won’t be home til super late, and how he isn’t looking forward to driving up over the mountain to see me once the weather gets shitty. Like, he has made these comments more than once. I’m like, are you trying to dial back our relationship? I wanted him to be more direct, rather than seemingly beating around the bush about things. Again - remnants of WarMan - he had early on said he wanted a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, so I have been thinking maybe he is trying to find ways to suggest we fall back to a booty call/FWB status or something.
He told me that he wasn’t thinking like that at all, but in fact the opposite! That he was worried that if he started working late and not being able to see me during the week, that maybe I would want to downgrade him - he was trying to manage my expectations so I would be more understanding in the future. I found that kinda sweet, but I told him not to do that, and instead just be more direct, like saying he was worried or concerned or whatever.
I was pretty tired after dinner, and when we went back to his house, I crashed and read my book for a couple of hours, and then we had some good sex. In the morning, we had breakfast at a local diner and then I was headed back to Hagerstown. I remain concerned that whenever we are together lately that our dates are just dinner and then bed, or him coming with me to run errands. I don’t think that is the fault of anyone, just kind of speaking to how crazy busy my life has gotten. I don’t want him to feel like he’s not important to me, so he needs to just be happy with whatever I can give him.
At dinner, I had mentioned to SirGawain that Greg had messaged me, and later he was asking more about what we discussed, etc. I reassured him that I wasn’t thinking of replacing him with Greg or shifting his time to even less. I really think I am reading things correctly and that SirGawain is crazy in love with me, and wants to see me more often. I feel bad that I am not there yet. This is the first relationship i have been in, ever, where I feel like the emotions are mismatched. That makes me feel sad, because I do care about him, but for reasons that I mentioned before in other posts, I am just not there yet. And I think he knows that, and he isn’t pushing me at all, which I really appreciate.
I do want to say that I do think that my feelings for him are growing stronger. I would like to see more romantic type of gestures from him, but I think again, he is holding back to not freak me out. However, I need something to build off of and we need to spend some time doing something together at this point, that isn’t dinner and fucking. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy both of those things immensely, but we need some experiences together too. I have these and build dates into my week with both of my husbands, but due to the scheduling lately, it’s been really difficult on my end to give him the same. I’m kind of a shitty girlfriend right now. My life is kind of chaotic right now - what can I say?
I am going to snag another overnight with him Sunday, maybe. I told him on my way out today that his household mess situation has GOT to get sorted because I am not enjoying my time at his place because it’s icky. He agreed that this was the case, and I told him on our next date day, I wanted to spend time together on his kitchen again. Not a super fun date, but it needs to happen. I know he wants to see Justice League soon, as does DarkKnight, so we might all do that together, because I honestly don’t want to see that twice. Lol Maybe Tuesday? IDK. (I think PunkRock and I are going to go see the Orient Express movie tomorrow.)
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I think so, too!
Bluebird
Well-known member
We ended up not moving my daughter’s furniture out today - it was raining hard for most of the day, and since we’re not really in a time crunch, we decided to do it tomorrow instead. My son arrived before we made this decision, and SirGawain was running late - so he was told mid-drive. He continued in and hung out all day at my house. Not a whole lot was going on and I think it was pretty boring, but I did empty out my sunporch and clean it from top to bottom. We had moved up all of our holiday storage totes in there while PunkRock was applying drylock on the storage side of the basement. So, all of those are now in my living room.
This was an important step, because when my daughter had to be moved to my house, we had to shut down our kitten fostering operation, and all of the items we had for the cats were hastily put in my game room/classroom, making it unusable. So, now that my daughter is settled into her bedroom, I had time to empty the sunporch and put all the kitten room stuff in there for storage until she moves out. We were playing Pandemic Legacy 2 tonight, so I absolutely needed the space in my game room! Lol It was like, musical piles of crap. Only, most of it isn’t crap and now that the dust is settling, the house is looking better. I am so tired of organizing though!
Now my living room looks a fright with all the holiday totes, but I sorted through those today as well, and got rid of a bunch of stuff. I need to vacuum this week and get my damn tree up before my daughter in NY arrives on Friday. I have a few days for that, thank goodness! It isn’t going to be tomorrow - I have to do some more grocery shopping and PunkRock and my son will be again attempting to move my youngest daughter’s furniture from her apartment into storage. DarkKnight is working, so it will just be the two of them. It isn’t a ton of things, so it should be ok.
As far as Pandemic Legacy 2 goes - things have not been going well for our campaign. We lost both March sessions and the first half of April was complete shit. The world is not doing well on our watch! It’s still been fun but tonight I felt defeated before we began - our pulls were really bad and we now have two collapsed and infested cities. We aren’t going to play next week because Saturday will be our Thanksgiving dinner, since that’s when my oldest daughter will be here. On Thanksgiving our Pandemic friend is coming over to hang out, but we have decided to play Mansions of Madness 2, because there is a longer scenario (4-6 hours) that we haven’t attempted yet. We will order Chinese like we have the last few years, and play this game. It should be fun!
I had a scary thing happen to me last night but I am running out of time to type it - I had someone I talked to on OKC post on one of my topless FetLife photos. Then he messaged me privately. This wouldn’t be an issue, as I had friended him several months prior, but then decided against meeting him and going on a date.I had forgotten he was even on there, honestly. But the freaky thing was that in the private message, he talked about a post I had made on a Facebook group. So, out of nowhere this dude shows up, posts on my tit picture and eludes to this Facebook post. I never told this guy my real name, so it was off putting, to say the least. The group has like 22,000 members, so the odds that he just happened to see me are probably not very high.
Anyway, I was rattled. I blocked him and deactivated my Fet profile. SirGawain reported him for stalking, but I didn’t think it counted, since he was my Fet friend at the time it happened. It was a sexual comment, but it wasn’t threatening. It did have me nervous and a little scared though. IDK. It’s done now, I hope. I am not friends with the guy on Facebook at all, and he isn’t a regular in the Facebook group - I certainly had never seen him post anything there. I tried looking for him in the member list, but I don’t know his real name and yeah, 22,000 members, so that didn’t get too far.
This was an important step, because when my daughter had to be moved to my house, we had to shut down our kitten fostering operation, and all of the items we had for the cats were hastily put in my game room/classroom, making it unusable. So, now that my daughter is settled into her bedroom, I had time to empty the sunporch and put all the kitten room stuff in there for storage until she moves out. We were playing Pandemic Legacy 2 tonight, so I absolutely needed the space in my game room! Lol It was like, musical piles of crap. Only, most of it isn’t crap and now that the dust is settling, the house is looking better. I am so tired of organizing though!
Now my living room looks a fright with all the holiday totes, but I sorted through those today as well, and got rid of a bunch of stuff. I need to vacuum this week and get my damn tree up before my daughter in NY arrives on Friday. I have a few days for that, thank goodness! It isn’t going to be tomorrow - I have to do some more grocery shopping and PunkRock and my son will be again attempting to move my youngest daughter’s furniture from her apartment into storage. DarkKnight is working, so it will just be the two of them. It isn’t a ton of things, so it should be ok.
As far as Pandemic Legacy 2 goes - things have not been going well for our campaign. We lost both March sessions and the first half of April was complete shit. The world is not doing well on our watch! It’s still been fun but tonight I felt defeated before we began - our pulls were really bad and we now have two collapsed and infested cities. We aren’t going to play next week because Saturday will be our Thanksgiving dinner, since that’s when my oldest daughter will be here. On Thanksgiving our Pandemic friend is coming over to hang out, but we have decided to play Mansions of Madness 2, because there is a longer scenario (4-6 hours) that we haven’t attempted yet. We will order Chinese like we have the last few years, and play this game. It should be fun!
I had a scary thing happen to me last night but I am running out of time to type it - I had someone I talked to on OKC post on one of my topless FetLife photos. Then he messaged me privately. This wouldn’t be an issue, as I had friended him several months prior, but then decided against meeting him and going on a date.I had forgotten he was even on there, honestly. But the freaky thing was that in the private message, he talked about a post I had made on a Facebook group. So, out of nowhere this dude shows up, posts on my tit picture and eludes to this Facebook post. I never told this guy my real name, so it was off putting, to say the least. The group has like 22,000 members, so the odds that he just happened to see me are probably not very high.
Anyway, I was rattled. I blocked him and deactivated my Fet profile. SirGawain reported him for stalking, but I didn’t think it counted, since he was my Fet friend at the time it happened. It was a sexual comment, but it wasn’t threatening. It did have me nervous and a little scared though. IDK. It’s done now, I hope. I am not friends with the guy on Facebook at all, and he isn’t a regular in the Facebook group - I certainly had never seen him post anything there. I tried looking for him in the member list, but I don’t know his real name and yeah, 22,000 members, so that didn’t get too far.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I am avoiding work today and that’s bad, so I will make this entry short. Lol Today is pretty much the only day this week I can spare to fix up the outside of my house. There have been seven or so litter boxes and scoops out on the front lawn for at least 4 days. (I am totally cringing as I write this!) When we emptied the kitten room and cleaned out the sunporch, I scooped out everything and then, since it was raining, I set out everything to give it a good natural rinse. Then I got distracted, and my place is now “that house” in the neighborhood. Sigh. I went out right before I started writing this and stacked them up and brought them inside. The water had turned to ice. After I finish this writing, I will be scrubbing them out and getting everything sanitized. Then - into a storage bin!
What else is on my to do list? I’ll be hanging up our outdoor lights on the porch. That is a MUST for today. I also need to pull up the bright blue tarp that is currently hugging the left corner of the house - I had DarkKnight put it down to kill the grass and create a new flower bed. It’s done that, and it needs to be picked up and folded up and put away. It will probably have to go down again in the spring because I am out of landscaping fabric and I have zero time or effort to devote to flower beds at the moment! Oh well.
My porch is also full of misc stuff that needs to be brought inside - patio furniture that needs to go into storage, some gardening tools and a cat carrier that is waiting to be wiped out. Fuck. When I stop to itemize it all, shit has been slipping.
The inside of my house is looking pretty rough as well, but I am tackling that tomorrow! I need to get my tree up, and take some cat litter donations to the shelter.
I don’t want to get off of my couch, but, well, no one else is going to do it.
What else is on my to do list? I’ll be hanging up our outdoor lights on the porch. That is a MUST for today. I also need to pull up the bright blue tarp that is currently hugging the left corner of the house - I had DarkKnight put it down to kill the grass and create a new flower bed. It’s done that, and it needs to be picked up and folded up and put away. It will probably have to go down again in the spring because I am out of landscaping fabric and I have zero time or effort to devote to flower beds at the moment! Oh well.
My porch is also full of misc stuff that needs to be brought inside - patio furniture that needs to go into storage, some gardening tools and a cat carrier that is waiting to be wiped out. Fuck. When I stop to itemize it all, shit has been slipping.
The inside of my house is looking pretty rough as well, but I am tackling that tomorrow! I need to get my tree up, and take some cat litter donations to the shelter.
I don’t want to get off of my couch, but, well, no one else is going to do it.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I haven’t done a photo drop in a while - here are two pics to give you an idea of what I am dealing with.
My living room, BEFORE it got bad. Things were chaos when my daughter moved in, and now her stuff is all here AND it’s the holidays.
https://www.amazon.com/photos/share/IyR5kCNYorv3nDkxJEcm4dO9NSmDdEhrVEakMJLxsom
https://www.amazon.com/photos/share/54vzQGMLT67xiaj4Z6vOp55mDymp2jIW0qLzbavAiQY
I seriously want to burn it down and start over. Since that is not an option, I guess I should start cleaning...
My living room, BEFORE it got bad. Things were chaos when my daughter moved in, and now her stuff is all here AND it’s the holidays.
https://www.amazon.com/photos/share/IyR5kCNYorv3nDkxJEcm4dO9NSmDdEhrVEakMJLxsom
https://www.amazon.com/photos/share/54vzQGMLT67xiaj4Z6vOp55mDymp2jIW0qLzbavAiQY
I seriously want to burn it down and start over. Since that is not an option, I guess I should start cleaning...
Bluebird
Well-known member
I so don't even want to update - I feel out of sorts and not like myself today. I got my period in the wee hours of the morning, and that probably has everything to do with it.
Thanksgiving weekend was great - my oldest daughter arrived earlier than expected on Friday, and the dinner turned out to be delicious. She thought SirGawain was "cool" and her boyfriend said he thought SirGawain was "weird." lol I miss my girl already, so that is probably also a big part of my sense of discontentment/ennui/sigh.
Thursday, Thanksgiving itself, was a mixed feeling. We were crazy trying to get the tree done, and then I spent the entire afternoon-evening playing games. Our Pandemic Legacy friend came over and we played a 5-hour Mansions of Madness 2 game - me, PunkRock, DarkKnight, my youngest daughter and our friend. We lost, but still had a blast. We were SOOOOO close. Afterward, PunkRock went to chill out in the basement and the rest of us played a game of something called Coliseum, and I won. That was super fun and different - but a quick search on Amazon came up blank, since it is a Euro game. Sadly, after our friend left for the evening, he texted shortly thereafter that his father had died while we were playing.
You may remember that PunkRock and I recently went to the funeral of this friend's mother. Well, his father fell ill shortly after and has been hospitalized the last few weeks. It wasn't unexpected, but it still sucks. It looks like the funeral for his dad is going to be this coming Friday. PunkRock has the day off of work by chance, so we'll be doing that together. So yeah, that happened.
SirGawain came over today and helped me to clean my youngest's apartment. Everything that is left there is piled in the kitchen entrance, and it's easily just a bunch of stuff that should fit into my Rogue and be able to go to the storage unit in one trip. Her old mattress/boxspring we moved to the balcony, and PunkRock will be taking that to the dump on Wednesday. So we should be able to give the landlord the keys that afternoon. My daughter has an appointment tomorrow at like 3 with the orthopedic surgeon, so we hope to finally get her medical emergency vacate letter then. I still have to turn off her electric and...there is something else, but fuck if I know right now. lol
At the moment things are going well with both of my husbands. I feel very cherished and loved by both of them. PunkRock has been moody lately, but he is completely off of his nicotine gum now and I am attributing his emotional state to that. I give him his space, and he seems to bounce back fairly easy. He certainly doesn't make me not feel loved - we had some good sexy times this morning in spite of my period! His birthday is coming up soon, and I am kinda torn about what to get him. I am going to order it on Thursday, once I decide. DarkKnight has been an absolute peach and just a rock for me, as always. I am so very lucky!
SirGawain is the same as always. He hasn't changed much as our relationship has progressed. By progressed, I am referring to time moving forward. I think we are at 3 months now. Or like, in a day or so of 3 months. lol I really am up and down with him in my head. Some days, I am thinking I will break up with him because I am just tired of feeling out of sorts. Other days, I really enjoy his company and I am glad he is in my life. To feel so wishy-washy is certainly not who I am as a person, so I am just kind of letting things continue. We have a good sexual chemistry, though it is not at all the DD/lg dynamic I had envisioned. He makes me feel bad sometimes because he is a nice guy. I can't pinpoint anything at all that he is doing wrong. It's definitely me. I feel like I have no space in myself for another person, or if I made a space, it would be out of shape and no one would fit correctly.
After we cleaned my daughter's apartment, we got pizza and came back to my house. DarkKnight and him hung out in the kitchen talking about superheroes, and my daughter and I sat in the living room. After a while, SirGawain came back out, everyone else ghosted, and we literally just sat on the couch and watched 2 episodes of Ultimate Beastwarrior. Is that the name? I don't know - some dumb show I started getting into. Anyway, I felt kind of awkward. We didn't kiss the entire day - he was an hour late arriving (he is SO not good at being punctual for anything, so I expected it) - and it just didn't happen until I said goodbye. This is not the only time this has happened. It's so weird. I think he is holding back because he can sense I am so conflicted. I don't know what I am conflicted about, half the damn time though. It's just fucked up. He's doing everything right and I am just a mess in my head.
I just printed a bunch of quizzes for my Chemistry classes tomorrow, and in the morning I have to get up and grade them. I have this week and next and then we are off until January. Anyway, Chemistry and then my daughter's appointment, and then I am supposed to go to SirGawain's for an overnight. He is excited about making me this special family meal that he does all the time. Today he was talking about taking me to see where he grew up in Montgomery County. I wish I could muster some enthusiasm but I am just in the doldrums today. I think a large part of it is my period, so I will be glad when that has passed, but I do know that more of it may just be who I am now as a person. which kind of sucks. I need to think.
Thanksgiving weekend was great - my oldest daughter arrived earlier than expected on Friday, and the dinner turned out to be delicious. She thought SirGawain was "cool" and her boyfriend said he thought SirGawain was "weird." lol I miss my girl already, so that is probably also a big part of my sense of discontentment/ennui/sigh.
Thursday, Thanksgiving itself, was a mixed feeling. We were crazy trying to get the tree done, and then I spent the entire afternoon-evening playing games. Our Pandemic Legacy friend came over and we played a 5-hour Mansions of Madness 2 game - me, PunkRock, DarkKnight, my youngest daughter and our friend. We lost, but still had a blast. We were SOOOOO close. Afterward, PunkRock went to chill out in the basement and the rest of us played a game of something called Coliseum, and I won. That was super fun and different - but a quick search on Amazon came up blank, since it is a Euro game. Sadly, after our friend left for the evening, he texted shortly thereafter that his father had died while we were playing.
You may remember that PunkRock and I recently went to the funeral of this friend's mother. Well, his father fell ill shortly after and has been hospitalized the last few weeks. It wasn't unexpected, but it still sucks. It looks like the funeral for his dad is going to be this coming Friday. PunkRock has the day off of work by chance, so we'll be doing that together. So yeah, that happened.
SirGawain came over today and helped me to clean my youngest's apartment. Everything that is left there is piled in the kitchen entrance, and it's easily just a bunch of stuff that should fit into my Rogue and be able to go to the storage unit in one trip. Her old mattress/boxspring we moved to the balcony, and PunkRock will be taking that to the dump on Wednesday. So we should be able to give the landlord the keys that afternoon. My daughter has an appointment tomorrow at like 3 with the orthopedic surgeon, so we hope to finally get her medical emergency vacate letter then. I still have to turn off her electric and...there is something else, but fuck if I know right now. lol
At the moment things are going well with both of my husbands. I feel very cherished and loved by both of them. PunkRock has been moody lately, but he is completely off of his nicotine gum now and I am attributing his emotional state to that. I give him his space, and he seems to bounce back fairly easy. He certainly doesn't make me not feel loved - we had some good sexy times this morning in spite of my period! His birthday is coming up soon, and I am kinda torn about what to get him. I am going to order it on Thursday, once I decide. DarkKnight has been an absolute peach and just a rock for me, as always. I am so very lucky!
SirGawain is the same as always. He hasn't changed much as our relationship has progressed. By progressed, I am referring to time moving forward. I think we are at 3 months now. Or like, in a day or so of 3 months. lol I really am up and down with him in my head. Some days, I am thinking I will break up with him because I am just tired of feeling out of sorts. Other days, I really enjoy his company and I am glad he is in my life. To feel so wishy-washy is certainly not who I am as a person, so I am just kind of letting things continue. We have a good sexual chemistry, though it is not at all the DD/lg dynamic I had envisioned. He makes me feel bad sometimes because he is a nice guy. I can't pinpoint anything at all that he is doing wrong. It's definitely me. I feel like I have no space in myself for another person, or if I made a space, it would be out of shape and no one would fit correctly.
After we cleaned my daughter's apartment, we got pizza and came back to my house. DarkKnight and him hung out in the kitchen talking about superheroes, and my daughter and I sat in the living room. After a while, SirGawain came back out, everyone else ghosted, and we literally just sat on the couch and watched 2 episodes of Ultimate Beastwarrior. Is that the name? I don't know - some dumb show I started getting into. Anyway, I felt kind of awkward. We didn't kiss the entire day - he was an hour late arriving (he is SO not good at being punctual for anything, so I expected it) - and it just didn't happen until I said goodbye. This is not the only time this has happened. It's so weird. I think he is holding back because he can sense I am so conflicted. I don't know what I am conflicted about, half the damn time though. It's just fucked up. He's doing everything right and I am just a mess in my head.
I just printed a bunch of quizzes for my Chemistry classes tomorrow, and in the morning I have to get up and grade them. I have this week and next and then we are off until January. Anyway, Chemistry and then my daughter's appointment, and then I am supposed to go to SirGawain's for an overnight. He is excited about making me this special family meal that he does all the time. Today he was talking about taking me to see where he grew up in Montgomery County. I wish I could muster some enthusiasm but I am just in the doldrums today. I think a large part of it is my period, so I will be glad when that has passed, but I do know that more of it may just be who I am now as a person. which kind of sucks. I need to think.