Unable to control jealousy

T

TurtleBug

New member
I have usually been able to handle jealousy fairly well and kick it back before it gets too serious but I am having the most awful time this go round. All of my usual tactics don't seem to help or only temporarily.

I'm in a V between my husband and bf. My husband has sense branched out and now has a gf so I guess technically we have a Z dynamic going. My bf is mono. And I should probably also add that I am pregnant.

I have always had jealousy with bf. And I know it stems from past infidelity on his part. I still have hurt feelings on it that I can't seem to brush off. I still have trust issues with him no matter how hard I try to get past it. Then the other day he tells me he is chatting with another girl, in a strictly platonic way. But my mine races to the fact that I've been told in the past that his female friends were just friends and they ended up either physical or emotionally sexual. I told him it bothers me but when he said he'd stop talking to her if I wanted him to I said no. I can't put a lock on who he talks to or makes friends with. It isn't fair when he's had the same feelings towards me having male friends and didn't ask me to stop talking to them. (But I also did not sleep with/sext with those men either)

And now the jealousy is rising with my husband. Our sex life has dwindled to nearly nonexistent over the course of the last few months. I have to be the one to initiate and either I get shot down or he seems like he's not into it when we do engage. I have talked to him about it and he says hes just stressed, tired or doesn't want to bc I seem so tired. I've asked if it's bc he's weirded out bc of me being pregnant but he says that has very very little to do with it. So I just go about my way and not bother him hoping it will get better after baby is born. But then he let a comment slip the other day saying he needs more condoms to take to his gfs house bc he's almost out, which tells me that he's capable of giving her sex multiple times to have to go through a box that fast. (We just got a box a few weeks prior and he's only seen her a few days since then.) Normally, this wouldn't bother me but it's the fact that we are going on 2 months of no sex but he's giving it up easily to her several times in the course of 2 weeks. And it hurt, tremendously.

I'm having a hard time figuring out if it's just the pregnancy hormones driving my mind this way or if we have a serious problem coming between us. Thank you if you took the time to read this :p
 
TurtleBug said:
Normally, this wouldn't bother me but it's the fact that we are going on 2 months of no sex but he's giving it up easily to her several times in the course of 2 weeks. And it hurt, tremendously.

I'm having a hard time figuring out if it's just the pregnancy hormones driving my mind this way or if we have a serious problem coming between us. Thank you if you took the time to read this :p
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I try to operate from the idea that time with my wife has nothing to do with time with my girlfriend. I believe they call that thinking the "0 Sum Game" I don't have sex with one or the other because I like either of them more of less. My wife is a cookie, my girlfriend is a milkshake. I've never had a cookie that made me stop wanting milkshakes and one can certainly enjoy both, or be tired of one for a little bit..

Pregnancy was extremely rough on my marriage. Wife was a sex demon for most of it, but the last few months, whether I wanted to admit it or not, I simply didn't enjoy it the same way I did early on. Maybe when your husband says hes not in the mood he's telling the truth.

As for the boyfriend, my wife and girlfriend talk to whoever they want, and sometimes this makes me uncomfortable or hurts my feelings but we talk about it and its okay. Its really important not to read their messages or be invasive because curiosity hurts more than it helps. If you cant trust your BF to be honest, for me personally its the point where I either talk it out or leave.
 
He says the pregnancy has very little to do with it but I sense it's more than just that little bit and that entails him lying to me about it which also hurts. But like I said, these hormones have me very emotional.
 
And no, I don't read messages no matter how bad I want to. I've learned in the past that that only leads to betrayal and more hurt feelings.
 
I like that zero sum game answer. How do you look at the two relationships you have? Do you ever think, "Well I slept with BF 5 times, but Hubby only 3. I better sleep with hubby 2 more times before I sleep with BF again."? How silly is that?

Pregnancy does disrupt a relationship. I'm surprised so many people do it...lol. But seriously, it is probably affecting him on some subconscious level so maybe he's not actually lying to you. And yeah, your hormones are probably playing a part.
 
No I don't keep tally on sex between either of them lol but it has dwindled a bit between me and bf too which is a bummer. I went from being satisfied to miserable in a snap of the finger and it sucks. I'm a very sexual person. And as awful as it may sound, sex makes me feel beautiful and the lack thereof plus the growing tummy (and hair lol) makes me feel gross and undesirable. I have no restrictions from my ob and I need sexy time. I suspect NRE has a bit to do with my husband and I situation too. He's fallen hard and fast.
 
Hmm, strange...

When Anne was pregnant, her sex drive increased, AND we spent a lot of time in cryptosexual intimacy -- okay, so somehow we found perineal massage exercises sexy :p -- AND we kinda fell in love again AND the physiological changes she was going through fascinated me.

TurtleBug, in short I cannot see where it's "on you." However, apparently it IS on you to wonder where the hell your two "partners" are at here. You are at a vulnerable period: are either of them really reliable? How well have you communicated this with them?
 
I really hope they are reliable. Both have shown signs throughout this pregnancy that they are not but I was hoping it was just my nerves. And with husband going through intense NRE and the baby coming in 2 months I worry so much that I won't get the support during and after the birth (the postpartum depression scares me). I'm terrified that he will still be giving all of his attention to his gf so she doesn't feel left out during the baby days but I need so much more than what he is giving. We've waited for this to happen for the last 10 years and I really don't want him to miss out bc I really think this might be our only child.
 
I really hope they are reliable. Both have shown signs throughout this pregnancy that they are not but I was hoping it was just my nerves. And with husband going through intense NRE and the baby coming in 2 months I worry so much that I won't get the support during and after the birth (the postpartum depression scares me). I'm terrified that he will still be giving all of his attention to his gf so she doesn't feel left out during the baby days but I need so much more than what he is giving. We've waited for this to happen for the last 10 years and I really don't want him to miss out bc I really think this might be our only child.
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Have you expressed all that to husband? Along with the maybe getting carried away with NRE?

As for the previously cheating BF... what work have you guys done to repair trust?

I still have hurt feelings on it that I can't seem to brush off.
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I'm not sure one can "brush off" feelings. They get expressed so they can then be released. If you are trying to do more like "ignore" or "not feel that" they swirl around with no place to go.

And if his behavior has not changed to demonstrate he's really turned a new leaf... and you have not truly forgiven and let go...a fresh crop of the same feelings will arise later. Like being on a merry-go-round.

Galagirl
 
I have expressed some of these things to him, mostly the NRE and the stress of it when the baby gets here. And honestly he is trying harder this time around, unlike the last Nre he went through with a previous relationship. We've learned for our mistakes in the past but it's still the little things, like the constant texting when we're spending time together, that irks me. And I know it's bc he's worried about this relationship ending bc she's new to this lifestyle and he will be left in the dark if she realizes she actually can't handle this. It's been a long road for him to find another partner. But we're getting closer to the due date and I'm definitely going to need as much of his attention and support as possible. And the thought goes through my head that I'll go into labor while he's visiting her and not get my urgent phone calls. (We had a situation the other week where I had a very important question for him but he had his phone in the other room while they did whatever and it took him a few hours to respond. This I did voice to him as it really got under my skin.)

As far as bf, I have a hard time talking with him about those things. He has Asperger's and communication is not a strong point for him. So talking usually ends in him saying he's a pos and doesn't deserve me, he'll stop talking to this person if I want him to, etc. Of course I tell him otherwise, he really has made my life better despite the pit falls and I am very much in love with him. And I can't control who he does and doesn't talk to. But at the same time we cannot communicate in a way I need to start building trust with him. It ends up on the back burner and it'll settle down for a bit until I notice the signs that he's hiding things from me. So yeah, I do just ignore it for the most part until it builds up to the point of me having an emotional breakdown.
 
TurtleBug said:
No I don't keep tally on sex between either of them lol but it has dwindled a bit between me and bf too which is a bummer. I went from being satisfied to miserable in a snap of the finger and it sucks. I'm a very sexual person. And as awful as it may sound, sex makes me feel beautiful and the lack thereof plus the growing tummy (and hair lol) makes me feel gross and undesirable. I have no restrictions from my ob and I need sexy time. I suspect NRE has a bit to do with my husband and I situation too. He's fallen hard and fast.
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That doesn't sound awful. My wife was the same way with regards to sex. I agree with Ravenscroft that it sounds like you are not getting enough support from your two guys.
 
TurtleBug said:
So talking usually ends in him saying he's a pos and doesn't deserve me, he'll stop talking to this person if I want him to, etc. Of course I tell him otherwise, he really has made my life better despite the pit falls and I am very much in love with him.
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This low self-esteem, guilt tripping style of communication is a giant red flag. Good communication doesn't end in a cop out, and his words are a way of making an issue about you, about him instead. Sounds like he's absolving himself of responsibility for your feeling.
 
Cardinal said:
Sounds like he's absolving himself of responsibility for your feeling.
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He's actually taking way too much responsibility for Turtle's feelings. Responding to a partner's pain by saying (and meaning) "I'm a piece of shit" is someone who is not adept at allowing a partner to be separate. Allowing emotional separation between me and you (which is sometimes called "loving detachment") is what makes the difference between intimacy and enmeshment. People who were raised in emotionally unsafe homes often take on way too much responsibility for their romantic partners' feelings and respond by shutting themselves down, mired in guilt, resentment and powerlessness.


TurtleBug said:
As far as bf, I have a hard time talking with him about those things. He has Asperger's and communication is not a strong point for him. So talking usually ends in him saying he's a pos and doesn't deserve me, he'll stop talking to this person if I want him to, etc. Of course I tell him otherwise, he really has made my life better despite the pit falls and I am very much in love with him. And I can't control who he does and doesn't talk to. But at the same time we cannot communicate in a way I need to start building trust with him. It ends up on the back burner and it'll settle down for a bit until I notice the signs that he's hiding things from me. So yeah, I do just ignore it for the most part until it builds up to the point of me having an emotional breakdown.
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Maybe it helps you to know that, Asperger's aside, this is a classic co-depenedent cycle of attempts at intimacy - on both your parts. The good news is that there are so many resources now for understanding the cycle and making changes so that real intimacy can grow and flourish. Nobody is ever stuck just because "that's how they are." It's important for you to know that this pattern is something that both of you learned long before this relationship, but that it doesn't require both of you to change it for the better - only one. You are definitely part of this pattern and if you take your part in the responsibility for that, you can make lots of good, effective, positive changes to ALL of this without waiting and hoping for others to change.
 
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He has a lot of past emotional abuse. From family and ex girlfriends. We've tried working on those feelings but over the course of our 4 years together have only made very little progress.
 
TurtleBug said:
He has a lot of past emotional abuse. From family and ex girlfriends. We've tried working on those feelings but over the course of our 4 years together have only made very little progress.
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You're in this relationship, too. It's not all about him and his past. The best way forward, and in fact, the only way forward, is for you to focus on what all of this brings up for you. You have a past, as well.
 
FallenAngelina said:
You're in this relationship, too. It's not all about him and his past. The best way forward, and in fact, the only way forward, is for you to focus on what all of this brings up for you. You have a past, as well.
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You are very correct! It's taking that first step with him (or both of them actually ) that's so hard. I desperately want to sit and talk about these feelings but I also don't want to crush their own perspective on things.

I feel like I'm being super needy right now but also feel my neediness is validated bc of the pregnancy. But I can't make my husband put a hold on his relationship with his new gf nor can I deny bf of any potential new friends. But the fear of husband pushing me aside when I need him most and bf new friend taking a turn I'm not comfortable with weighs heavily on my mind.
 
I'm so sorry this is happening when you are pregnant. :(

I feel like I'm being super needy right now but also feel my neediness is validated bc of the pregnancy.
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You having some needs does not make you needy like some cling on person. There is a difference. FWIW, I would be concerned too if I was getting close to birth and both my partners are not being solid.

But I can't make my husband put a hold on his relationship with his new gf nor can I deny bf of any potential new friends.
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No, you cannot make them do anything. But sometimes you are not even asking for change. It's like you shut down your own voice because you have decided in advance what their response will be. Rather than asking to hear the actual response.

Or... when a solution is offered you feel guilty taking it.
So talking usually ends in him saying he's a pos and doesn't deserve me, he'll stop talking to this person if I want him to, etc.
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If he's willing to stop talking to them for a bit or modify HOW they talk? Great. Could work with that, and adjust the Asperger "volume knob" that goes out of whack.

"Please stop disparaging yourself in front of me. Please focus on the thing at hand.

Thank you for being willing to work with me. I don't want to you stop talking to your new friends. I want you to talk to them at appropriate times. Don't text them smack in the middle of a dinner date with me. Talk to them at other times when we are not on a date. Let's try that for a month and then reassess."

(Example only, you adjust it to whatever it was. But work with it. )

I really hope they are reliable. Both have shown signs throughout this pregnancy that they are not but I was hoping it was just my nerves.
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If you know they are not reliable? You could move on to making alternate plans for getting through the first year of babyhood.

But the fear of husband pushing me aside when I need him most and bf new friend taking a turn I'm not comfortable with weighs heavily on my mind.
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If those things come to pass, what are you afraid of?

Rather than spin anxiety worries, you could address it head on and ASK for what you need at this time. They either say "yes" or "no." But then you know where you stand and how much to rely on them. Rather than being up in the air.

If husband neglects his share of the baby care... how can you handle that? Can you call friends and family to pitch in for a bit? Hire house help to free you up in other ways (ex: lawn care dude to mow the lawn instead of you? A doula? Something else?)

If BF's friend doesn't want to be friends with him... how will you handle that? Allow BF time and space to get over his disappointment? Be available to listen to him vent his disappointment? Something else?

I wonder if part of this is that you tell yourself "I won't be able to cope" which brings you down even further. Rather than telling yourself "Well, that's not my ideal situation. But if it comes to pass I can find ways to handle it. I could ...."

Is that some of what is happening here? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I'm so sorry this is happening when you are pregnant. :(



You having some needs does not make you needy like some cling on person. There is a difference. FWIW, I would be concerned too if I was getting close to birth and both my partners are not being solid.



No, you cannot make them do anything. But sometimes you are not even asking for change. It's like you shut down your own voice because you have decided in advance what their response will be. Rather than asking to hear the actual response.

Or... when a solution is offered you feel guilty taking it.


If he's willing to stop talking to them for a bit or modify HOW they talk? Great. Could work with that, and adjust the Asperger "volume knob" that goes out of whack.

"Please stop disparaging yourself in front of me. Please focus on the thing at hand.

Thank you for being willing to work with me. I don't want to you stop talking to your new friends. I want you to talk to them at appropriate times. Don't text them smack in the middle of a dinner date with me. Talk to them at other times when we are not on a date. Let's try that for a month and then reassess."

(Example only, you adjust it to whatever it was. But work with it. )



If you know they are not reliable? You could move on to making alternate plans for getting through the first year of babyhood.


If those things come to pass, what are you afraid of?

Rather than spin anxiety worries, you could address it head on and ASK for what you need at this time. They either say "yes" or "no." But then you know where you stand and how much to rely on them. Rather than being up in the air.

If husband neglects his share of the baby care... how can you handle that? Can you call friends and family to pitch in for a bit? Hire house help to free you up in other ways (ex: lawn care dude to mow the lawn instead of you? A doula? Something else?)

If BF's friend doesn't want to be friends with him... how will you handle that? Allow BF time and space to get over his disappointment? Be available to listen to him vent his disappointment? Something else?

I wonder if part of this is that you tell yourself "I won't be able to cope" which brings you down even further. Rather than telling yourself "Well, that's not my ideal situation. But if it comes to pass I can find ways to handle it. I could ...."

Is that some of what is happening here? :confused:

Galagirl
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Talking about these things with my husband comes a lot easier than with bf. We have a mutual need for it to help with all kinds of issues. But with the NRE in full force it's hard to get him to stick to his word. Which I do understand to an extent bc I went through it when me and bf first started dating. It's one of those things that sucks but is amazing at the same time lol I'm pretty sure I can get him to compromise easier than I can bf. Just by asking nicely, of course, to give he and I a little more alone time and cut back on the texting when we are trying to have bonding time. It's literally all day and most of the night (him and her texting ).

I want to set up boundaries for the sex but don't know how to go about doing it without him feeling like I'm pushing him to have sex with me. Of course they are free to have sex as often as they'd like. That's no issue with me. But disregarding my needs for it for months at a time really hurts. And hurts more when we do and he seems like it's a chore instead of being excited about it. I feel like the lack of sex between us is pulling us apart and giving him more focus on the things he can do with her. We're all into bdsm to some extent and of course I'm limited on what I can partake in. That is totally understandable on my end too and honestly I don't have any hard feelings on them playing and me not being able to. But having no restrictions on sex means I can definitely enjoy that at least.

Coping with bf? No I cannot. I've become adjusted to it being a mono relationship. So much so that I have basically taken myself off the market too. I have 2 relationships now and a little guy on the way and I feel totally complete with them. I have urges for a gf but brush those off bc honestly I don't have time nor energy and possibly not the mental capacity to handle someone elses needs. I know I don't fill all of my husband's needs so my lenience for him is a lot easier. Talking with bf about it he says he is perfectly happy in this arrangement. I've offered to let him branch out multiple times. But he says he had no need to. And as far as I can tell he doesn't message these people when we are spending time together but I have noticed that he will hide things. Take his phone to the bathroom just to pee, angel it to where I can see what he's up to, changing his lock code, etc. I have never snooped through his phone or watched his actions over his shoulder. I believe in privacy and learned in the past that snooping leads to hurt feelings. But noticing these actions has me worried that there is other behavior going on that he isn't telling me. Other than the friendly talk. I mentioned this behavior a few years ago when it happened and assured him that I'd never go through his phone. But he says it's just habit bc of past relationships where gfs would consistently try to read his messages. It's just suspicious to me. Especially when there are times when I know he isn't talking to anyone and basically throws his phone at me to look something up or watch a video. Maybe I'm just paranoid
 
Hello TurtleBug,

What concerns me the most is, the baby that is going to be born in a couple of months. A newborn needs a *lot* of attention. Your husband needs to be ready to step up to the plate, not be focusing all of his attention on his girlfriend. I don't know how to say this to him, but it needs to be said, and he needs to listen.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
TurtleBug said:
... I'm having a hard time figuring out if it's just the pregnancy hormones driving my mind this way or if we have a serious problem coming between us. Thank you if you took the time to read this :p
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As usual a very poignant comment by kdt. FWIW I think you're handling it all really well. It's a situation with so many variables that there's no way to know exactly what to do. IMO just continue navigating on intuition and instinct and do what's best for you and your baby. You and hubby and the others in your relationship need to all get on board with that, and everyone's sex-life should be of second priority. That's difficult I know, but I think once everyone has that in perspective, it will actually improve that situation too.
 
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