The story of Spork.

[Spork]

Tons of talk right now about sexual assault. I have a friend who is in the process of coming forward about an incident from years ago, involving a man who was formerly a member of a band. I have known about the situation quite a while, but didn't know how to feel about it. Still don't, really. I decided that my official position is to simply hear and support her, stop supporting him, and otherwise stay out of things...and that was easy when she wanted it kept quiet anyhow.

She's about to name him. There will be reactions.

Thing is... She had a serious habit of getting blackout drunk at most social and band events she attended. She was a hardcore drinker. At one backstage hangout in Richmond, she was hammered and she groped and made out with me briefly. Well, I really don't have issue with being physically affectionate with my friends. No big deal to me. But later, someone told her what she had done (she didn't remember) and she messaged me with apologies, said she felt terrible about it, that she's not into women and only did that because of her drinking problem. I told her that I hoped she was able to get whatever help she needed, and I was supportive of her desire to stop the heavy drinking, since it seemed to create issues for her. I didn't care about the makeout session. But she did. It was almost as though drunk-L. violated sober-L. in a way.

Knowing that, there was a kernel of...???...in my heart, regarding the incident with the guy from the band, except for the fact that other people knew that he was kind of scummy in how he pursued women anyhow.

She was very drunk when it happened, had a long history of intense flirtation and innuendo (publicly and well known) with him, which she thought was done in a friendly, bantering fashion, and she says she repressed the memory of it for years, until another woman came forward with a similar story about another man, and it all came "rushing back." As someone who has never been drunk, I can't really imagine how this would feel. I can't put myself in those shoes. So I hit my default position which was, "Give her support and belief, stop supporting the guy, but don't try to go on any kind of a crusade of shit talk against him either." Best I could do.

It's hard to be reasonable and compassionate, sometimes. I still do believe that vastly more women are assaulted and never get any kind of justice, whether they seek it or not, than there are men who are falsely accused in any way. But I do also worry that with the prevalence of women speaking out, many of whom are legit, that it's also quite possible for some people in this world to use accusations as attacks to try and damage their political opponents and business rivals and other enemies. Which of course makes it all the harder for true victims to pursue justice, like that needs to be any harder than it is.

*sigh* You know how they say, "I don't want to adult today"..? Sometimes I feel like, "I don't want to human, today." Maybe it's why I like being home so much, with my cat, with my Zen, with the who and the what, that makes me comfortable and happy. Is that unconscionably lazy of me? Probably.

 

[Spork]

Well, she did it. The names are now public. Lynette has thrown down with the truth, to hundreds of GWAR fans, that their former bassist, Todd Evans, who is now fronting a band called Mobile Deathcamp, is a rapist.

And I am happy to say that the reaction thus far has been mostly loving and supportive. Fucking thank god. Seriously, the fan community has become too much of a shit show in recent years.

I posted a message of support, and a writing to make a point... Because someone in one of the forums asked if there was "proof." A predictable reaction that often happens... And I wanted to speak to that. Of course there isn't proof, and you know it when you ask. Rapists don't tend to rape in front of witnesses. They tend to get their victims somewhere private, as this man did, and one might be able to prove sex, but one cannot often prove rape, especially since it's rarely a stranger that is doing it.

Which means that people simply have to decide what they are prepared to believe.

We weigh what we know of those involved. What others may have said, or not said. Other factors if there are any. I weighed the fact that Lynette was an alcoholic, against the fact that Todd is known to be touchy, aggressive, and scummy to women. The fact that I'd overheard the band saying that a big reason they put Todd out, when they did, was that he had a habit of creating "drama" on the road by aggressively pursuing unwisely chosen female conquest targets such as married women. The fact that Lynette suffers from debilitating PTSD and severe anxiety, to this day. The fact that she watched another woman get crucified online and have her life threatened for speaking up against the lead singer of the Casualties a few years back...knowing damn well the risk of bringing an assault to light, I don't think that most women would do it lightly.

And I decided too, that while a lawyer or a judge might ask for proof in a court of law, I am neither a lawyer nor a judge and this isn't a court of law, I am a friend. And friends don't ask for proof. Friends believe and support.

So maybe the accused has supportive friends, too, and they've chosen to believe him...I cannot tell anyone how to think, but I don't have to stand there and listen to it, either.

It all speaks to my thinking that there are very few things in life that should really be taken as absolute objective truth. About nearly everything, each of us must decide what we believe. About the things we are told, about people we know or have heard of, about history as it's taught or NOT taught, about events and about religion and about science and...everything. I've known this ever since I read a book on conspiracy theory as a young adult...and I realized...everything in that book COULD be true...but that doesn't mean that it IS. I think that most people have problems accepting that they might not know the truth about things. But we're all just choosing what to believe, all the time. Part of being a human.

And that was what I said on Facebook more or less, ending in a point of calling Lynette a badass and appreciating her courage. And as I said...the overall response to all of this has been supportive of her, and that is heartening.

....

Tonight, I am happy to say I'm not going anywhere. I'm blowing off Game Night, even though it's an activity I do like, and staying home with Zen. His love makes me feel like everything is good with my world. Tomorrow will be a busy one. I need to get Ninja out for some behind the wheel driving practice. Then the former leader/owner/manager/whatever of Voodoo, the lady I haven't seen since before she stood me up for tea, she's having a birthday. I decided it's been too long since I've seen her, I am not really upset about the tea thing, I just let it give me an excuse to sit at home and be lazy. So we're going to go see her at some point before the BDSM party later on. Should be a good weekend, I think.

Today I am wishing/fantasizing, that I could get in a vehicle, not a care in the world, nowhere I have to be at any particular time, and just be free and travel. Anywhere. No particular destination. I have a wish to stop thinking so hard, to live in a pure moment where there is no past and no future, the sun and the air and the road. But hey, my Grandparents were bikers so maybe it's in my blood.

 

[Spork]

News on my friend... The band, Mobile Deathcamp, has responded by saying that she is a cheap groupie slut who had sex with the whole band and is now upset that she is old and no one wants her so she's starting drama. Right because women are totally like that. Especially women who have been in a relationship for the last 15 years, or I dunno, have serious social anxiety and PTSD, yeah, totally, she wants "attention." They also sent several menacing messages to her and another supporter, saying "This is not a request! You will cease and desist in saying these things and retract and you'll apologize, and if you don't, we'll see you put in prison for these false allegations! You will hear from a powerful lawyer, the most powerful attorney in the entertainment industry and we will bring a civil class action suit for defamation and slander! I used to work for Metallica! You have no idea who you're messing with here!"

It is...well...laughable. A nice heap of screenshots is being gathered. This so called manager guy has just handed her ammunition to file a lawsuit of her own. And I was like man...he's just slinging every scary legalistic word he can think of, isn't he? I want to chime in like "HABEAS CORPUS! POWER OF ATTORNEY!" 'cause I've totally got the Harvey Birdman theme song in my head right now...

Some of her friends in comments here and there got a little feisty with what they thought should be done to rapists, but Lynette just spoke her truth, she didn't say anything that could be construed as threatening or asking anyone to do anything to him. She's now settled back to a place of just collecting any hostile messages as evidence, asking anyone else who witnessed the events or who has had experiences with the guy to message her privately, and is expressing gratitude to supporters.

And I can't help but think... We talk (in society in general) so much about how women can or should handle these situations. Before and after the fact. Or rather, how victims should...but male victims are made pretty invisible. And the only focus we see on the other side of it is, "To prevent rape, don't be a rapist, or teach people not to rape." I don't think it's that simple. We talk about making a safe world for victims of consent violation (a term I prefer, over "rape" because it covers grey areas better among other reasons) to come forward and speak...but what about making a world where a consent violator can respond appropriately to these things?

How about... As common as consent violation is, it isn't just a few monstrous individuals running around doing it. Not everyone who commits a consent violation is "a rapist" plain and simple. I know, because I have violated someone's consent myself. We were teenagers, and he said no repeatedly. I was of the mindset that consent was something a male had to get from a female, and as a good looking gal who was used to getting her way, I didn't understand that males had any right to say no. Like was this some kind of a game? So I was relentless and I would not stop, clinging and wrestling and pressing for what I wanted until he gave in just to get me to leave him alone. And if our genders were reversed? Yeah. Many years later we got back in touch, we'd been friends before and after all of that, and he did not feel traumatized or bothered by it...but nevertheless, I apologized and made the point that I understand how wrong it was, now.

Now there is a power differential...he was slightly stronger than me, not strong enough to make me stop, but strong enough not to be afraid of me. And I do think that the fear of being beaten or killed, that has many female victims give in and let a rapist have his way, was absent in this case. But still, he was living in my home, his parents had kicked him out and he had nowhere to go. Anyhow... I did not press beyond apologizing and thanking him for accepting my apology, with him. No one can tell a victim that they should recognize that they are a victim, how to process, view, or feel about their situation. But without naming him and in circles distant to his life, I have spoken about this because I want people to understand how the complete lack of education about consent, with teenagers, causes problems. The reason I did what I did was stupid wrong-thinking and ignorance. Curable conditions, to be sure. So maybe there is no requirement for restitution to the person I wronged, I can still at least try to do some good here.

And that gets to my point...why does someone violate another person's consent? It isn't always a power trip of a criminal monster. Maybe alcohol is a factor and maybe the corrective action is for someone to stop drinking, because they do things while drunk that they know better and wouldn't do when sober. Maybe they have an unclear set of thinking on what consent looks like, or lack of it. The man who violated mine as a teenager wasn't a monster...he believed that if a good looking young woman brought him into her home, and he thought he was going to get sex and was happy about this, there was no turning back. When I began to get panicky and uncomfortable and tried to say no and leave, he didn't feel I had a right to do so at that time. Just like people saying that if you go to a man's house, or hotel room, you've given consent...no. No you have not. True consent can be revoked at ANY time. But not everyone thinks so. Not everyone honestly understands that. It's the way many people look at it, that is at the heart of many problems. Some people think a person has consented if they simply don't say no. Yet there are victims who freeze and go non-verbal, and can't say no even though everything inside is screaming it. Which means that at some level, one must get a yes.

So I do believe that many consent violations are mistakes. Not patterns of predatory or monstrous behavior, but mistakes. So if one is a man, and years after a sexual encounter one believed was consensual, a woman tells you that in fact from her perspective, it wasn't. She feels violated and damaged. How do you handle that? Do you go on full damage control, denial, ass-covering mode? Insult and discredit her as best you can, do everything in your power to protect yourself from "allegations?" I don't think this is productive, but I damn well understand why men do it.

So I'm thinking...what is more productive and why doesn't it happen?

The next right thing...the compassionate thing...would be to set aside the need for objective truth and try to work out why someone you thought was a consenting partner at the time now is saying otherwise. (I'm prepared to believe that this is the case at least sometimes.) Why does she feel this way? What happened to make her feel this way? I think in the shoes of some of these men, I would be saying, "At the time, I believed that my actions were done in good sexy fun, and did not understand that I was doing harm. I apologize and acknowledge that I was wrong in this. Can we please talk about what I can do to make this right?" Some of these rich guys could perhaps make donations to charities of their victim's choices or something. I don't know. What is the path to healing? I don't think it lies with vengeance. I think it lies with getting someone to see why and how they fucked up so they won't do it again, and maybe some gesture of time or money or effort on their part to try and put some good energy into the world.

The man who violated my consent as a teenager, would I want to see him harmed in any way? No! He's probably got a family by now. Putting him in jail could starve children. No, absolutely not. We had what I consider to be a cultural disconnect (he was from rural Mexico) and I don't think he's a monster. Would I like him to learn better behavior? Oh, yes. I hope he does not force his wife, if he has one, to have sex when she doesn't want to. It would make me happy to hear him say that he understands now that he did something wrong, and he treats women better now that he is a wiser man.

So, I'm just thinking of these men now being accused of all sorts of consent violations and how could we in the world structure the dialog to be productive and compassionate. Not that the world out there would get on board...but I'm thinking about this today.

 

[Spork]

In news of life, rather than thought processes...

It has been a really good weekend. Zen and I had lots of good time, snuggles, watching some shows we like. We went to the tea-lady's birthday thing, which was called an "open house" because she just wanted to have people come and go between the hours of 2-7pm. I think that was wise, she prefers smaller groups and is very introverted, so having people coming and going and not all hanging out at the same time in one big gang was probably less stressful for her. And her cats, one of which was way overstimulated. Her poor little female, it looked like she just wanted to relax, but with strangers around looking at her and talking and putting energy into her space, she couldn't. She got a bit attacky at one point, rather like a toddler that needs a nap. She finally gave up and fell asleep on a throw pillow, where she could still keep half an eye on everyone and react to anything she might need to react to.

Then we went to the party at Voodoo, had a lovely scene, and went home for sexytime. All very satisfying and happy stuff, at least from where I stand.

Also this weekend, I took Ninja driving...it was far less nerve-wracking than I feared it might be. He's still definitely learning and nowhere near ready to get out on main roads and interact with traffic much, but we drove around a quiet residential area with wide streets and almost no other traffic for about an hour, and then took a back street over to the Safeway shopping center, where he navigated the parking lot successfully, and managed (after several maneuverings back and forth) to get the van parked in a space. We grocery shopped, and then I had him drive us home.

And I'm dealing with a bit of stress over Thanksgiving. See, a family has rented Voodoo as event space to host a family friendly Thanksgiving potluck. I am all about this, I can spend less money than I would if I were making us a feast, and we can gather with a larger group, which will make the holiday feel more special than if it were just us at home. They are de-adulting the place by putting away the dungeon furniture and the erotic art and covering the cases with the gear for sale, which they have done before to do a wedding there. Voodoo is in the lower level of a dance hall, and looks a lot like a dance hall, more so than a "dungeon." It's a fine space for something like this. Ninja says that if his...friend-girl...is wanting him to go spend time with her family, then he will. I'm ok with this. What I am not ok with, is either of my sons sitting home alone, because they don't want to go meet my friends but they don't have any other plans. I was like...if you can find other plans, that's fine. If not though, you won't be sitting at home playing video games alone. That will not happen. At least...that was my initial position, anyhow.

And why am I not surprised...Q is pissed off. He doesn't want to go, his Dad says that this is a "sex club" where everybody has had sex with his Mom and he wants nothing to do with it, doesn't want to meet my friends, doesn't want to spend time with people he doesn't know, thinks I am choosing my "new family" over my "old family." He wants to stay home, and he's mad that I'm not cooking Thanksgiving dinner at home. Because me cooking all day so that he and his brother can spend 30 minutes tops eating food and then vanish back to their rooms and computers, is a great way to celebrate a holiday, and how dare I think otherwise??

We fought about this. I am not sure that it's resolved. But yesterday we did at least get somewhere in terms of spending some family bonding time, which tends to make Q feel less salty and melodramatic about life in general. It's a shame he seems to think he's got to get so nasty and obnoxious to get any attention when he's feeling unloved. I didn't raise him this way, but his Dad always acted this way towards me and I guess he internalized some of that.

So yesterday, I got some housework done, then the boys and I went out for lunch (steakburgers & custard from Freddy's!) and then we went hiking in this big "open space" park near where we live. I love how Colorado Springs has all of these tracts of wild land right in the middle of the city areas. Like they are parks, but they're not like planned city parks. They are wild, with trails. Patches of woodland surrounded by city. We saw a big buck mule deer maybe 20 feet away, just strolling along with perfect chill across an open area up the path. I love how mule deer are so relatively calm compared to the whitetails back east. We all really enjoyed our time together, and I'm hoping that Q's head can reset somewhat to a better place to discuss Thanksgiving.

We have a long weekend and we can totally spend some family time at home. And in fact...if Ninja finds other plans, I am a little more willing to let Q stay home if he really wants to. I understand that being there where you really don't know anybody could be uncomfortable and awkward and not fun. But if his brother is going, I really want him to, for much the same reasons. At least they'll have one another to talk to. I don't know...we'll have to wait and see how it all works out.

 

[Spork]

God, the drama.

Q texted his Dad, AND his Grandma (Dad's mom) over the weekend talking about me trying to ruin his life making him go hang out with weird people when all he wants is to be normal. Grandma called him yesterday while we were hiking and I heard him tell her that "Everything is fine now, we're out hiking."

Then my ex called me this morning, briefly, to yell at me that Q is NOT going to this thing, and that is final! I was like whoa, whoa dude. This isn't helpful. Negotiations with Q are not closed right now. I'm not MAKING him do anything. I really wanted him to go, but if he really does not want to, then I won't force him. Frankly I do not appreciate the judgmental attitudes towards my friends, nor do I appreciate being forced into a position where I either have to call off my plans when people are counting on me now, OR be accused of choosing my friends over my kid.

Classic though. Set her up and knock her down. Too easy. I'm a terrible person no matter what I choose.

Well, I still need to deal with my ex, later on. He's going to call me back. But I got a hold of Q over my lunch break, and talked to him. I told him he did not have to go, I was a little bummed out that he didn't want to but I wouldn't make him. And if that was how it was going to be, would he at least want to spend some time together doing some family things at some other time over the 4 day weekend I've got coming? Well, he eventually apologized and said he would go. I felt like he was capitulating, but he insists now. So I said, how about this for compromise...I understand that not everyone is comfortable in social settings, is an extrovert like I am...if you get there and you hate it and you're not comfortable or happy, you can quietly let me know and we will leave early. Because as far as I'm concerned, my main obligation is in delivering the food that I promised to bring. I don't want to flake out on that. As long as I'm able to do that much, I can be flexible and we can leave early if we need to.

He said that yes, that does help.

He does have a habit of having more fun than he planned to, once I get him out of the house, so we'll see. I will bring games, hopefully we can get a group together for some.

I also said that it was hurtful to me that he judges my friends and my friendships, these are people who have been really nice and kind to me, they help me be happy and mentally healthy. And particularly since I spent so long with his Dad judging my friends and calling them "idiots" but expecting me to be friends with HIS buddies and all, and Q accepted his Dad's friends like family, but won't give mine a chance. And Q said that maybe if I'd done like his Dad and invited them over to the house, he could have got to know them a few at a time, and it's different being dropped into a whole party full of strangers. Well...that's fair. Guess in a way, it was part of why I became kind of uncomfortable with the quad, I always had to go away to see them and leave my kid home alone, and I'd hoped they might come spend time at my place after I moved out of Old Wolf's house, but that never really came about. I had to accept that the people who wanted relationships with me weren't always that willing to have relationships with my kids....but I still have obligations to my sons, and need to spend time with them.

Still though, I am very glad that Zen has struck the balance that he has. He's around, enough that the kids feel ok with him around, but he's not trying to jump into a "step parent" role and be too heavy handed. With kids that are older, that rarely works out well.

*sigh* 679 days until Q turns 18. 916 days until graduation.

 

[Spork]

Not a lot of exciting stuff has happened in the last day...I ran some errands, began a jigsaw puzzle, and Q woke me up twice in the night because he heard weird noises and saw weird shadows on his wall that freaked him out. Zen and I watched a couple episodes of Red Dwarf.

Now some idea chewing.

I came across this article. At first, I thought I knew what it was about, a subject of mild interest in light of recent events. But by the end, I was getting very excited indeed, as the article sent big concepts rolling off at high speed all over my mental landscape. The article is a long read, but here...it's worth it.

https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2017/11/20/art-monstrous-men/

I have 2 big thought/reactions...
Thought #1 - I just don't see the whole "grown men with teen girls" thing, the same way others do.

I can't remember ever feeling like a CHILD. I was happiest when I was quiet-ish, building something, or in a conversation about big ideas with grown up people. Other kids have always made me feel awkward and strange. I have never understood the way they play, and other kids were cruel to me, so I've never believed in their innocence or basic goodness. And since I was giving myself sexual pleasure literally further back than I can remember, I don't associate childhood with sexual purity or innocence in that way either. I feel like I was ALWAYS an adult. Just a restricted and unwise one, when I was smaller.

I remember very well what it felt like to be a teenage girl. I most definitively did NOT feel like a blushing innocent being shown the mysterious mysteries of sex. I felt some combination of powerful, and almost angry. Powerful, because the child that no one liked now had a new and mighty tool to attract attention and interest, to draw males into my life, and hold them at least for a time. To get what I wanted, which was nothing more than to be seen, heard, to have the company and appreciation of other people. Powerful to the point that I had a VERY hard time gracefully accepting any male's wish to NOT have sex with me. And angry, because in the early years of coming into this power, I listened to boys, trying to work out what they wanted from me. How to not only net them, but to keep them...and what I got, was a pile of impossible contradictions. Whatever "good" meant, in terms of how I was supposed to be, I couldn't live up to it. It is impossible. No matter what I did with this new power of mine, those boys were going to shame, mock, and hate me on some level for having it. That made me ANGRY. Angry enough to want to use them the way they seemed to want to use women. I wanted to wield my sexuality like a dark weapon. Like the vampires in the movies did, since pivotal concepts in my emerging sexual identity were films like The Lost Boys, and Dracula (the one with Gary Oldman.) Then Interview With the Vampire. Yeah, vampires in those films were all about sex. The blood thing was just a metaphor.

That was me, at 14-18...striding through the world in my combat boots and leather trench-coat, and pentagram necklace, ready to take some boy home and...and...do something that was supposed to be like the dark majesty of those vampires, but in the end...was just sex. Still, the candlelight on sweaty skin, and that magic where my eyes saw them differently when we were done, it was a wonder. It was something.

So from this framework...when I hear about famous men who had sex with teenage girls, so long as they did not FORCE them, I kind of struggle to see it as this dirty experienced pervert forever blighting the life of an innocent little delicate flower. Untouched by mortality, with a head full of trivial nothing, just fresh and pristine. I was never that. I don't know what it even is to BE that. If anything, those girls in school, were the ones who were the cruelest to me for being different. Were they innocent? I didn't think so at the time.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone is, honestly.

And I have said it before and I mean it...all the casual sex in the world could not do a fraction of the damage that one bad long term relationship did to me. If a 60 year old man had shared my bed when I was 14, it would not have damaged me so badly as the father of my children did with his ideas about sexual morality and shame, among other things. And that...that was the socially sanctioned relationship! All adults, made a family, vows spoken, the works! Well it didn't work. It sucked.

I feel like society has it all wrong. But so many others agree, maybe I am the one who is wrong. All I know is what harmed me and what didn't, and the ideas that feel true, and the ones that feel false, from my perspective on life.

Thought #2 - The article talks about, in order to be an artist, writer, a successful maker of creative work, you MUST be a monster to some degree. And the more monstrous you are, the more successfully creative. As a woman, particularly a mother, the monstrousness is in the selfishness of it. To not only begin, but to finish, creative work, you have to neglect your family, shut yourself away. Your monstrousness measured in your child's homework not checked, the dishes not done, spousal sex not had, etc. That the men in the industry did what it took, and that's why they are so successful. They shut themselves away, locked out their kids, went on book signing tours... That every woman who is creative and also a mother troubles themselves with this conundrum. Would I be a better mother if I were not also an artist? Would I, more disturbingly to ask, be a better artist, were I not also a mother?

This is huge. In an article talking about creative men of power who fall from grace due to truths or allegations of sexual predation and consent violation, this woman is taking herself to task for being "monstrous" in the mere act of being selfish enough to want to write. And she mentions that other people will be quick to say it, too.

This is something I've been trying to articulate my entire life, I think. There is an expectation that everything a woman does, she will do for others. That is at the core of what our society dictates that it means to be a "good" woman. I have heard men stab back at feminists, saying "What of value have women built, invented, or created?" Well, not as much as men. Because men are encouraged to be PEOPLE. Whole people who get to pursue their dreams and ambitions, to build, write, make art, leave their mark. Women are just supposed to be the vessels to care for them so that they can and to make more people, to do the thankless work of comforting the man, tending the house, raising the kids, and be happy about it. This is why I did not want to be a wife or a mother. I knew it when I was 18 years old, and I told my ex many, many times. He nodded and let me make noise, knowing all the while he would quietly con me, with dependence and co-dependence, into being exactly what he believed a proper woman should.

There was a time I decided that I wanted to learn to build a computer. I set out to research and learn online. I got a wall of quiet disapproval from my ex for this. When I asked why he didn't really want me to do it, he said, "Well I don't know about you, but I don't know anything about motherboards." I was not to do this thing, because he couldn't.

Every time I did an art project, he would come and tell me how I should do it, or offer to take it over and do it better, or do something else with it that he thought was better.

When I made my own friends in the world, he disapproved, he desperately tried to reason with me that the women were idiots and the men just wanted to get in my pants. Pleading with me almost, to stop trying to be such a PERSON.

This was why I had that whole quiet desperation thing going on, which was so hard to explain to him. When I tried to stand up for my right to be even sometimes selfish, in order to leave any kind of a mark on the world besides "<Spork>, wife to <man>, mother to <sons>" he seemed almost hurt that it wasn't good enough for me.

For a good woman, I guess it should be. Maybe I was right all along with the vampire thing, maybe it was always something of a monster that I wanted to be.

It is funny that in an article that starts talking about creative men who sexually abuse other people, arguably doing harm, then goes on to talk about the female crime of being selfish... This was one of the frustrations, when I look back...my ex can be forgiven for doing harm, violence, damage, destruction. My crime is greater for simply being selfish. If a woman fails to give everything of herself to others, she is as monstrous as a man who rapes, assaults, abuses or kills people. Is this a thing I am supposed to accept? I'm seeing this now in how my sons have forgiven their father for all that he did, but have judged me a terrible person...it is not truly about whether I left their father, or had sex with anyone else, or who else under what circumstances. I am being judged for the crime of wanting, demanding, and taking, space for ME, which in the view of their father, which he has shared with them, makes me monstrous.

"You threw a case of soda down the stairs at our son, you threw dirty dishes all over the kitchen that I had to clean up, you tackled and choked and hit our older son, and you eventually used a loaded gun to try and frighten and manipulate me."

"You didn't make me feel wanted. You never loved me enough. You gave too much attention to other people, and made me feel insecure."

He is not responsible for any of what he does, because my monstrous selfishness drove him to it, and I would not care anymore...except that my kids seem to believe it, too. And apparently it is a big enough thing that some woman I have never met, wrote an article about it.

 

[Spork]

To make something very clear, I am not feeling upset or stressed right now. If anything, it was just somewhat astonishing to run into this article that echoed and spoke to things that have been making me incoherently upset for many years. I think that it is monumentally fucked up that if a man does actual harm and a woman merely neglects some natural duty to serve others...the man is more readily forgiven or excused, and the idea has echoed through my life and most especially in my marriage.

I am beyond glad to have a far, far more loving and supportive partner in Zen. I don't feel like any of this touches us, and I think that our community has mostly far more fair thinkers. I can hope for a future where I never feel that way again.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Just now catching up with your blog and there's a lot of stuff going on here!

The consent violations issue is a huge topic I could write a lot about but won't, as you are pretty much spot on in my view.

As for women being expected to be endlessly self-sacrificing, I really feel it this week. My step kids are wondering why I am not single-handedly making Thanksgiving dinner for them. They can't help, you see, because they are going to be at their mother's early in the day, and they feel entitled to TWO Thanksgiving dinners. My mother, in the past six months, has been put in a home due to her sudden-onset dementia and other health issues. So, she can't help, AND I need to spend a couple of hours with her on Thanksgiving, instead of cooking by myself at home. Well, my daughter can help, but an eleven year old can only do so much

My husband has to work until 4 that day, so he really can't help. When he saw how stressed out I was about a damned turkey dinner, he had no problem with my suggestion we go out instead. Yes, I will leave a huge tip out of guilt for enabling employers to make their employees work on Thanksgiving.

My daughter doesn't care about going out, but my fifteen year old stepson especially is looking upon me with judgement. That kid is WRONG of course, but I still feel guilty. What gives me the right to choose a halfway stress-free day over a nervous breakdown?

Kids sure suck sometimes. Sorry about the long post, but I saw the chance to vent!

 

[Spork]

Just now catching up with your blog and there's a lot of stuff going on here!

The consent violations issue is a huge topic I could write a lot about but won't, as you are pretty much spot on in my view.

As for women being expected to be endlessly self-sacrificing, I really feel it this week. My step kids are wondering why I am not single-handedly making Thanksgiving dinner for them. They can't help, you see, because they are going to be at their mother's early in the day, and they feel entitled to TWO Thanksgiving dinners. My mother, in the past six months, has been put in a home due to her sudden-onset dementia and other health issues. So, she can't help, AND I need to spend a couple of hours with her on Thanksgiving, instead of cooking by myself at home. Well, my daughter can help, but an eleven year old can only do so much

My husband has to work until 4 that day, so he really can't help. When he saw how stressed out I was about a damned turkey dinner, he had no problem with my suggestion we go out instead. Yes, I will leave a huge tip out of guilt for enabling employers to make their employees work on Thanksgiving.

My daughter doesn't care about going out, but my fifteen year old stepson especially is looking upon me with judgement. That kid is WRONG of course, but I still feel guilty. What gives me the right to choose a halfway stress-free day over a nervous breakdown?

Kids sure suck sometimes. Sorry about the long post, but I saw the chance to vent!

You're welcome to vent here whenever you like. There are times I feel like...am I overreacting? But I know that with regard to some people I am not. No, it's not all the men in the world or all the women, but stuff like this happens often enough to be a thing.

In my case, there are many things I don't mind doing. I don't mind doing the dishes every day, or being the only one who does them. I'm a little particular and meticulous about how that task gets done, so I will happily take ownership of it. I don't really mind making holiday dinners. I cheat, though. I do stuff out of cans and boxes. I'm not an amazing cook but I'm an adequate one (in my own opinion.)

I guess what makes me so salty is when people make assumptions, take things for granted that I sometimes do, and when I choose not to do those things, for a change, then they act like I am wronging or victimizing them. Like if I give someone a gift regularly, but then one day I don't, they get mad because they've stopped seeing it as a voluntary act of generosity, and started seeing it as an entitlement. And now they can go right ahead and beat me up over it, and somehow it is more ok (to some) for them to react with uncontrolled outbursts of anger or violence or bad attitude or whatever. That's the thing I used to get so upset about with my ex, that was so hard to get across to him (he still doesn't understand.) The expectation on me was to generate positive, to give give give. The expectation on him was to maybe be neutral, but if he blasted negative energy into our home that was understandable, too. It's just because he's got issues. Well what if I had an issue? Not allowed. No one here has time for that. Smile and give, woman!

It comes down to this idea that men are allowed and expected to be selfish, but the same on the part of a woman is viewed as morally reprehensible.

Like the standard for a man to be "good" is kind of a neutral thing, do for yourself and don't victimize others...the standard for a woman to be "good" is to go a lot further, not only do for yourself, not only don't victimize others, but devote your life to serving others. Hell! Even in the Leather community, I see men whose commitment to "service" is more of a self-aggrandizing thing, than one of sacrifice, it sometimes seems. And I tend to think of "my people" as being quite enlightened and ahead of the general social curve. But I think some of these concepts are kind of insidious.

I LIKE to be generous and giving. I don't plan to stop. But I do NOT like it to be taken for granted, assumed, not appreciated but rather treated as an entitlement, and I don't think anyone has a right to punish me because I did not give of myself as much as they wanted of me. And I'm tired of having people close to me who believe that their needs matter and mine don't even have any business existing. I got rid of the ex who treated me that way, and I hate to say it since I remember when my kids were my whole universe and I would have given my life for them, but we have reached a point where I'll be happy when they go, too.

Maybe I will spend more time, as the lady in the article says, being an "art monster." I think I can handle having Zen around to aim generous impulses at, he does not make me feel taken advantage of. He makes me feel loved and appreciated. I never feel like he sees a woman's love in any form as just a basic entitlement.

I hope this post wasn't incoherent and rambly. I think I am getting a cold, which means a few things...I'm not feeling 100% today, I took Nyquil last night so it's still making me fuzzy brained, and I'm not able to smoke (I'm kicking around the idea of trying to quit again) because I'm sick and smoking hurts and makes it worse, which means that I have the mental fog of not smoking going on as well. So in other words I'm not thinking clearly. I'm coping...going to drink hot tea with honey today and pick up some Airborne on my lunch break. It usually helps.

 

[Leetah]

No time now to contribute deep thoughts, just want to say "Yay Red Dwarf!"

Leetah

 

[Spork]

No time now to contribute deep thoughts, just want to say "Yay Red Dwarf!"

Leetah

Yeah, I've been sort of half-assed trying to get Zen into it. I know it takes a while to get used to the accents, when I first got into the show it definitely took me a bit.

We also caved to the strong recommendations of a number of our friends, including my kiddo Q, to watch "Stranger Things" and we've binged through season 1 now. And we're keeping up with Dirk Gently, now that I've got the DVR recording it, so no more problems with my On Demand being stupid. And we are watching The Orville, which is quite good as well.

So the 4 day (for me) weekend was mostly nice relaxing lazy time. Zen and I mustered the energy for some sex, and we all went on a short hike on Saturday, and I did get some of my housework done, and finished my jigsaw puzzle...but nothing too strenuous.

So after all the fuss last week about Thanksgiving, we wound up going to the Voodoo gathering. They did a very fine job of using big black tablecloths to cover all adult things and render it a basic event space, and there were probably 40-odd people there. Ninja was quiet and just doing his best to put a good face on things, and Q brought his laptop and tried to ignore everyone for a while, but after we ate, Fire and another of our friends came over and engaged us in conversation, and the kids started to realize that yeah...there are nice people here and no one is going to eat you...and nothing terrible is going to happen...and no, it's not a bunch of people looking at your Mom like a pork chop (since their Dad had them thinking I engaged in weekly orgies and had banged every single person there or something.) Q had actually asked me how many people there I'd had sex with. I was like, "Um, only the ones you know, like Zen and my former poly quad, and you didn't hate them when you met them, so I don't know what your problem is." Old Wolf apparently has been telling them that Voodoo is a "sex club." Nice. Well, it may be in all fairness, not a lie to describe it that way, but it's like calling Safeway a "vegetable store." Sure, they've got 'em, but that's hardly all it is...and it's not generally why I'm there. Later in the evening, around 8:30/9pm or so, the little kids went home and we got a small group together for some Cards Against Humanity, and that convinced Q that the whole thing was not a waste of time.

Meanwhile, Zen and I have had a cold, and I know that Zen was not feeling great, but he coped through the evening as well, and I think that for me at least this cold has been mild enough to not be debilitating, but lingering and annoying. It's a respiratory sort of thing. And with this in mind I did not feel bad about skipping the GWAR concert in Denver on Saturday....well. I felt LESS bad. It does feel a little like I'm letting one more part of my former life go...but I'm ok with it I guess. But it's true that with the guitarist having this bone marrow cancer thing he's dealing with now, it probably was a kinder decision to keep my cold germs at home. It's not like they are struggling to fill crowds or sell tickets, they're doing great this tour from everything I've heard.

And I took Ninja out driving yesterday, he drove us around the neighborhood and then to the grocery store via the back residential streets. He's still got a long way to go, but he's doing ok. He gets tense and his reaction to everything is "OMG hit the brakes!" It will be a while before I'm ready to get him out on main roads with traffic. The ones we've used have only had the rare and occasional car for him to interact with and not hit. Really quiet, wide, neighborhood streets. In fact we've got more to worry about with deer, as we did see one last night. But I've observed that the mule deer are a lot less dangerous than the whitetails back east where I grew up. Whitetails seem to be more numerous and a lot more flighty. They will stupidly zig and zag and bound about, and jump right into your car. Mule deer just sort of plod along calmly, almost horse-like. And the approach of a car doesn't send them into blind stupid rabbity panic. They just continue walking the direction they were before, like "yeah, yeah...gimme a damn minute...I'm walking here..."

I was thinking about going to a class tonight at Voodoo, but not sure if I will now. I had some pain in my upper back yesterday and it's worse this morning. Has to be the way I'm sleeping or something. But my neck and upper back are all stiff and sore, and I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to drive down there and sit in a metal chair or whatever. I'll probably skip it, stay home, maybe soak in a hot bath or something.

 

[Spork]

I went to the class after all, when Fire (thank you! muah!) offered to rub my neck and back for me if I did. It was the couple who has been running the class doing it, I wasn't sure if it would be them or someone else. It was a class on certain forms of um...manual stimulation (I'm on a computer at work right now lol, not trying to get TOO graphic...) and I can't say I learned a ton of new stuff but I did learn a few things I guess. Mostly that I need to buy some things at some point. Toys and disinfectants and such. *sigh* One of these days!

So my back is feeling better.

Not a whole lot else going on. Just another day...

 

[Spork]

Oh, so it's been time for a shift in the music that I've been listening to. While I expressed some annoyance with Amazon's "unlimited" mp3 service...I have to admit that when it comes to just exploring stuff, like...

OK, I want to pull up this artist and just listen to a bunch of their stuff and decide if I love any of these songs enough to pay a dollar to have the file...

It works pretty well for that.

Or for just pulling up a CD from my teen years like "OH yeah, I used to have that, sweet..." So while I was doing my jigsaw puzzle I was listening to Soundgarden's "Superunknown" album, which I definitely had when I was a teenager. And now I'm thinking that there are 4 songs from it, "Fresh Tendrils," "4th of July," "Head Down," and "Like Suicide" which I think eventually I might buy the actual song files.

Oh, and I found a third party app that allows me to play files directly out of my Google Drive, so that's pretty nice too. I can make playlists of my own mp3s.

Still haven't tried Spotify, but I will eventually.

Today I have remembered that I love Björk. Like really, I love her. I read an interview. The way she describes experiencing love, and fashion, and the whole "gratuitous nose twitches"...oh my god, how can you not love a little Icelandic woman with a twitchy nose... She is precious and creative even in how she just exists, let alone the truly unique way in which she sings. What a delightful and fantastic person. Like I was reading these things she was saying, and at the same time I was smiling and my eyes were watering, just imagining her saying them. I don't know what's up with that.

Then there is the movie, "Dancer in the Dark." It's just...really weird. I had Zen watch it, I don't know if he liked it. Maybe not. Reviews online are kind of funny how polarized and different they are. Some appreciate the art value of how tormented it is and how odd. Others refer to it as an "abject failure" which...well, I would not go that far. Like I am glad I've seen it, but at the same time I am not sure that I ever really need to watch it again. It's an easy film for me to feel conflicted about. Kind of like Pan's Labyrinth, or "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." I am glad I've seen those films. I'm not sure if I need to see them ever again. I remember them being kind of long to get through.

Anyhow. I'm listening to Björk today.

 

[Spork]

I'm going to a discussion group today, and that's pretty much the only interesting thing on my radar right now, with regard to the real world and real life.

Been thinking though...between Reverie talking about how when NRE mellows out for her, she loses libido with established partners, and a thread elsewhere discussing marriages having problems because people aren't having sex enough...I've recommended the book, "Come As You Are," twice today.

Like I definitely have plenty of experience with loss of desire in a longterm relationship. I've been thoroughly over the failings of my marriage here and I'm not in the mood to contemplate them. That was bad, bad mojo. I don't imagine I'll ever get so inhibited and avoidant with Zen, ever.

But I have to say I'm having one thing that I think stands to become an issue...laziness. Like just sheer laziness. I truly enjoy just laying around with him, snuggling, touching, watching shows. It's way too easy to be super lazy. And then I feel kind of bad that we have not got around to doing this or that sexual thing, or that we did not have a lot of sex in some particular weekend. I think I occasionally need to know that I'm not letting him down. It's a deep psychological tic for me that is probably never going to be completely at ease 100% for good, this fear that he is silently disappointed with me but not saying anything. Spork problems.

I also think maybe that we could make a box, or even multiple boxes, with bits of paper that have different activities on them, and maybe when we're having the kind of day where he asks me "How ya feelin?" and I'm like...dammit...I'm feeling like I could do any of like ten different things right now, including everything from eating to sleeping to watching a movie, to regular sex or kinky sex, to vacuuming the rug or doing the dishes, so would you please don't ask me what I want to do right now because I am in the mood for LITERALLY WHATEVER. And will default to lazy as fuck, especially if we can binge watch some show. lol... YOU TELL ME. OK, well maybe on those days we can reach in the kinky fuckery box and see what we come up with, or draw some combo of sexual and non-sexual activities to direct what we do that weekend. I don't know. I just know that for the most part, whatever I am doing, I am much happier doing it with Zen.

I just want to know that he's happy, too. I think he probably is. I don't think he minds having lazy time with me some weekends.

Also I get frustrated with time. Because there's always...only so much of it. It's the story of my life, how I want to do this, that, and the other thing...but then I wind up either lazy and not doing any of the things, or there's limited time and I do some at the expense of the rest. So I enjoy lying around watching Stranger Things, but that was also time we did not do other stuff. I really want to work more on certain kink things...I would like to see if Zen is willing to work more with bondage and learning more skills in that area. I'm not into the most elaborate kinds of suspension and all, but I love the feeling of being tied for sex. And wax, I want to get into wax play I think. Maybe both bottoming and topping. I even have some appropriate candles for that but I could (and would like to) get more. Then there are things for him that I think we should do more of, too...

And after that realm of possibilities, I've got on the other side of his basement door, the world of obligations to my sons, a cat I should get around to grooming, art projects I need to deal with, friends I want very much to invite over or just hang out with, and housework wanting doing. Oh, and Christmas is coming. Ho, ho, ho. Now I want to just go take a nap, just thinking about it all! lol

Maybe I should take some time off from work. I have quite a bit of PTO saved up. It accumulates much faster now that I'm past the 5 year mark and earning 5 weeks a year plus holidays and float days...

So in other words? Same old train of thought, different day.

 

[Reverie]

Maybe I should take some time off from work. I have quite a bit of PTO saved up. It accumulates much faster now that I'm past the 5 year mark and earning 5 weeks a year plus holidays and float days..

Dude. Can I come work with you? Seriously, I've been at my job for nearly 6 years and technically get only 10 days PTO with not even being allowed to take unpaid when that is up. That includes vacation, sick, and personal days. They made an exception for me this year for my honeymoon and "let me" take some days unpaid, but one of the things I am the most dissatisfied with about my life right now is the "chained to the desk" feeling.

I think I'd live almost anywhere if I had that kind of flexibility of time off to travel.

 

[Spork]

Dude. Can I come work with you? Seriously, I've been at my job for nearly 6 years and technically get only 10 days PTO with not even being allowed to take unpaid when that is up. That includes vacation, sick, and personal days. They made an exception for me this year for my honeymoon and "let me" take some days unpaid, but one of the things I am the most dissatisfied with about my life right now is the "chained to the desk" feeling.

I think I'd live almost anywhere if I had that kind of flexibility of time off to travel.

Wait...I'm wrong. I actually had to look! Jeez.

See this is what happens when I set everything up in a spreadsheet that manages all of my information, and then let it auto pilot and forget about it. Just like putting all of your phone contacts in your phone, does anyone remember when we actually had to MEMORIZE phone numbers??

I feel like an idiot.

No, it WAS 10 days and it went to 15 days but I had some carryover from last year. Then there are 7 paid holidays in addition to that, and 3 "floating holidays" that I can just use exactly like PTO days. The 15 days are for sick, vacation, whatever.

But we are allowed to "borrow" up to 40 hours of unearned PTO, too, if we need to. And we're also usually let go early before holidays, like they let us leave 2 hours early the day before the Thanksgiving holiday and paid us for it (no need to use PTO.) Also sometimes the office will close if the weather is bad, like ice or snow, which I love about being here compared to places like Iowa where I've lived, and you couldn't miss work or be late just because the roads were perilous, because that was pretty much the entire freaking winter.

Yeah, this company is a good one to work for. I have my issues with my job but it has to do with the actual work I'm trying to do here and the lack of tools supporting it, stuff like that. The company, its culture and perks, and my coworkers and even supervisors...love all of that.

 

[Reverie]

Wait...I'm wrong. I actually had to look! Jeez.

See this is what happens when I set everything up in a spreadsheet that manages all of my information, and then let it auto pilot and forget about it. Just like putting all of your phone contacts in your phone, does anyone remember when we actually had to MEMORIZE phone numbers??

I feel like an idiot.

No, it WAS 10 days and it went to 15 days but I had some carryover from last year. Then there are 7 paid holidays in addition to that, and 3 "floating holidays" that I can just use exactly like PTO days. The 15 days are for sick, vacation, whatever.

But we are allowed to "borrow" up to 40 hours of unearned PTO, too, if we need to. And we're also usually let go early before holidays, like they let us leave 2 hours early the day before the Thanksgiving holiday and paid us for it (no need to use PTO.) Also sometimes the office will close if the weather is bad, like ice or snow, which I love about being here compared to places like Iowa where I've lived, and you couldn't miss work or be late just because the roads were perilous, because that was pretty much the entire freaking winter.

Yeah, this company is a good one to work for. I have my issues with my job but it has to do with the actual work I'm trying to do here and the lack of tools supporting it, stuff like that. The company, its culture and perks, and my coworkers and even supervisors...love all of that.

Still, sounds a hell of a lot better than what I have. The envy persists. You should totally take some time off since you have it!

 

[Spork]

Still, sounds a hell of a lot better than what I have. The envy persists. You should totally take some time off since you have it!

Well, I dunno, you said you'd live almost anywhere if you had this kind of flexibility and time off to travel? You know what's funny about that, is we've got a crap-ton of California transplants here in Colorado. Seems it's a cool place to live but without quite as high a cost of living.

Yeah, I'll look into taking maybe a couple of days off in December or something.

Oh, now that I think of it, I have a damn good reason for doing so. I need to get a plumber out to my place, we've got some small leaks that are running up our water bill. So I can be prepared to take time off when the plumber is scheduled to come out. That's a good reason.

(Why do I feel like I need a good reason? LOL!)

 

[Reverie]

Well, I dunno, you said you'd live almost anywhere if you had this kind of flexibility and time off to travel? You know what's funny about that, is we've got a crap-ton of California transplants here in Colorado. Seems it's a cool place to live but without quite as high a cost of living.

Ha, yeah. I tried to tell myself when I got here that I was done moving because I really do love it here, and always have. And I can't seem to stay in any one place for longer than a few years, which was getting exhausting. If I can find a way to continue to live here (or, at least, nearby) without being perpetually broke and like I'm living to work rather than working to live, I'll totally do it.

Even so, the perks of other places begin to call. Who knows. Everything else is currently in flux. Why not that, too.

 

[Spork]

Ha, yeah. I tried to tell myself when I got here that I was done moving because I really do love it here, and always have. And I can't seem to stay in any one place for longer than a few years, which was getting exhausting. If I can find a way to continue to live here (or, at least, nearby) without being perpetually broke and like I'm living to work rather than working to live, I'll totally do it.

Even so, the perks of other places begin to call. Who knows. Everything else is currently in flux. Why not that, too.

Hey...never know!

Well, after trekking up to the Pacific Northwest to retrieve an old Airstream camper, my friend Reecy has made it down to your neck 'o the woods. Ish. She's posted photos of her camper parked someplace where they have some enormous dinosaur statues. So if ya see any gigs out there with a gal called Reecy Pontiff playing ukulele, that's my friend/girl-crush. We're gonna miss her in these parts. She's a nomad though. She'll be back through eventually.

Got another new friend on my radar now, a woman who posts in another forum I visit, she's local and used to be in some branch of the kink community here ages ago. We've been kicking around the notion of getting ice cream or coffee or something (she suggested gelato, which is just an all around win if you ask me) so we'll probably get together next week. I'm making a friend date! I'm like really proud of me for that shit.