Fear of meta’s struggles being too much for partner to beat

1

1234567

Member
I could perhaps use a steadying perspective or two.

Someone I’m dating is also dating someone else. I’m poly, at least for now, so of course this is okay and celebrated. Meta was in and out of the picture; out when my datefriend and I started dating. Meta is having a hard time adjusting, sometimes, and poly is not meta’s first choice. Jealousy is hitting meta.

Which puts our partner in common in a hard place.

Which also puts me in a hard place as I both want what is best for my partner, and am going to advocate for that, whether it is me or not, AND often have seen in the past that if one partner is understanding, and one demanding, demands win.

Could be coincidence- but have experienced this from both sides of the fence, and never that understanding wins.

I’m not about to be demanding. I will share my perspective and trust my partner to listen.

A. Is there anything else I can do to try and not put my partner in the middle, while helping her advocate for what she wants with BOTH of us, knowing my meta may not be advanced enough or open enough in poly to be doing the same?

B. Any way to calm my nerves? I have never successfully been on the receiving end of a new meta in a close relationship without being replaced/broken up with, except for now, which is somewhat up inthe air. I kind of trust we can work through stuff, and that it will be whether it is good enough with us that determines whether I’m out, eventually, not someone else’s feelings. And also, yikes. This is, simultaneously, scary stuff.

I think it’s just coincidence that after 4 years and many close partners, the appearance of new partner equals breakup, as that happened for many different reasons, some because I caused polysaturation, some because the relationship was getting complex after adding me with an existing partner’s feelings, and it was easier to go with someone else than work it out. (I don’t like hierarchy)

Coincidence, but it leaves me without reassuring experiences.

C. Thinking ahead, I think some of partners fears about might be jitters about what it would feel like if one of us took another partner. Any way to help partner through this?

This is a big one. And it’s not like I can say, “I felt like that- and it was fine”. I’ve been added to a relationship without breaking people up; I’ve not experienced the reverse- someone new being added, and it being fine. (Until, potentially, now.)
 
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1234567 said:
Which also puts me in a hard place as I both want what is best for my partner, and am going to advocate for that, whether it is me or not, AND often have seen in the past that if one partner is understanding, and one demanding, demands win.

Could be coincidence- but have experienced this from both sides of the fence, and never that understanding wins.

I’m not about to be demanding. I will share my perspective and trust my partner to listen.
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Not sure about how much advice I can give overall, but your experience here is interesting. It tells me that you could be in some extreme. There is a middle ground between being demanding and being understanding to the point where everyone else but you gets their way.

Sharing perspective, and hoping that people will be understanding is one thing.
Articulating what it is that you want, need an expect from a relationship, specifying boundaries, is another.
Being demanding or pushy is a third one.

So maybe you could firm up, not losing empathy but allowing yourself to ask for what you want a bit more. Hope this makes sense.
 
1234567 said:
Which also puts me in a hard place as I both want what is best for my partner, and am going to advocate for that, whether it is me or not, AND often have seen in the past that if one partner is understanding, and one demanding, demands win.
Click to expand...

Your meta's jealousy doesn't put you in a hard place, you react to your meta's jealousy with your own difficult thoughts and feelings. You pressure yourself with the idea that somehow this is your problem to solve, when in truth it is not your business at all. You're off the hook. It's your partner's relationship and responsibility. That's a much more serene approach for you to take, as it respects your partner's maturity and ability to handle his own life. Some people mistakenly equate love & caring with getting emotionally tied up in a partner's emotions and "helping" him. Some people are compelled to show loyalty by feeling what their partners feel, thinking that this is what compassion means. But this is enmeshment, not compassion and not love, and not really helpful to anyone. Love and compassion are allowing our loved ones to be separate from us, perhaps offering our support but having confidence in them to work on their own challenges. Love is being present without fear.

If your typical experience is that demanding always wins over understanding, then you've very likely added in whole lotta fear with that "understanding." What you're calling "understanding" is perhaps resignation - there's quite a bit of fear and resentment mixed in. And what is winning? If someone chooses to be with another, how is that losing or winning? Don't you want to be with someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you? If someone can be swayed by "demanding," why would you be interested in their company anyway? Don't you want to be with someone who knows his own mind and can stand squarely, unapologetically in what is important to him? If you find yourself repeatedly getting involved in situations where "demanding" always "wins," then an examination of your own emotional world is in order, for it's not the case everywhere that "demanding" always wins - or that anyone needs to win. What is this internal narrative about competition that you have going?
 
I’ve thought about that, and that’s part of what I’m trying to figure out.

I think when i’ve seen this, it’s been a stated or unstated case of “I’m struggling; your partner going would be what I need/makes me happy” on one side,
And “It’s rough, sometimes, but I have the desires or skills to work on it” on the other.

And the “I need your partner to go” wins.

Thinking about it, no, actually, I HAVE seem the opposite. It was in a “I need you to work this out with me, or I need to go, or I need her to go” kind of way,
and the “you can go” option was honored. But I think the true issue was a need was not being met.

I think, maybe, it would be okay for me to ask of both people- or at least from my partner- that they consider trying to ask for their needs being met in a poly situation as an option, rather than raze the atructure to the ground if it came to that. I’m kind of convinced that almost any need can, but it takes discussion and sensitivity.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Your meta's jealousy doesn't put you in a hard place, you react to your meta's jealousy with your own difficult thoughts and feelings. You pressure yourself with the idea that somehow this is your problem to solve, when in truth it is not your business at all. You're off the hook. It's your partner's relationship and responsibility. That's a much more serene approach for you to take, as it respects your partner's maturity and ability to handle his own life. Some people mistakenly equate love & caring with getting emotionally tied up in a partner's emotions and "helping" him. Some people are compelled to show loyalty by feeling what their partners feel, thinking that this is what compassion means. But this is enmeshment, not compassion and not love, and not really helpful to anyone. Love and compassion are allowing our loved ones to be separate from us, perhaps offering our support but having confidence in them to work on their own challenges. Love is being present without fear.

If your typical experience is that demanding always wins over understanding, then you've very likely added in whole lotta fear with that "understanding." What you're calling "understanding" is perhaps resignation - there's quite a bit of fear and resentment mixed in. And what is winning? If someone chooses to be with another, how is that losing or winning? Don't you want to be with someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you? If someone can be swayed by "demanding," why would you be interested in their company anyway? Don't you want to be with someone who knows his own mind and can stand squarely, unapologetically in what is important to him? If you find yourself repeatedly getting involved in situations where "demanding" always "wins," then an examination of your own emotional world is in order, for it's not the case everywhere that "demanding" always wins - or that anyone needs to win. What is this internal narrative about competition that you have going?
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That is very true, and I’m feeling a lot more steadied. In none of those cases did taking a partner out of the equation actually solve the problem. There’s no competition; just an attempt to solve a problem; breaking up with someone being one of the solutions floated. And in two out of 3, there was an eventual acknowledgment and reunion; It didn’t the third time, but only because the dumpee realized they were better off without the first person.

So worse case scenario, they try a solution of excluding me from the equation. Unless I’m really the problem, or poly’s really the problem, and my partner is happier mono,, in which case, I would have been dumped eventually, they will figure out “that’s not it.” And if it was a happy relationship, it will be tried again.

That’s not so bad.

Thank you.
 
1234567 said:
I think, maybe, it would be okay for me to ask of both people- or at least from my partner- that they consider trying to ask for their needs being met in a poly situation as an option, rather than raze the atructure to the ground if it came to that.
Click to expand...

All of this drama over your metamor's jealous feelings? A much more serene approach would be to have confidence that she can work on her own challenges, he can work on his own challenges, and you enjoy your relationship with your lover/man/partner. You don't have to run around, seeing to everyone's needs or riding shotgun over yours. Let them work out their relationship and you enjoy yours.



1234567 said:
So worse case scenario, they try a solution of excluding me from the equation. .... I would have been dumped eventually....
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Again, lots of fear here. Fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of not being chosen. Competition.

The way to work on this for your own peace of mind is not to move all of the chess pieces into perfect position (seeing to everyone's "needs" and feeling as though you have to fight/advocate for yours,) but to start examining your own story about intimacy and loss. What do you bring to your relationships that calls up so much drama about one person getting shafted?
 
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That’s a good question and one that will require some thought.

Meantime, I had a revelation.

Who broke up with who aside, in my experience. no relationship is ever in danger of ending where both people feel their needs are met and are happy.

And the relationships where that is true SHOULD adjust. Either to meet needs and find happiness, or to move on.

Poly and other partners have nothing to do with this (or not much)

This revelation helps me just focus on my relationships, which is a good idea.
 
And, yes, there’s quite a backstory on intimacy and loss. One that I’m definately appreciating the ability to move through.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW? I think you could figure out what is "your stuff" and what is "other people stuff" and what is "our stuff."

Meta is having a hard time adjusting, sometimes, and poly is not meta’s first choice. Jealousy is hitting meta.
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That's all meta's choice and doing. If meta is getting themselves into situations that are ugh to them... why are they doing that? Rather than skip it? :confused:

Not your problem. Let meta either adapt, or bow out.

I'm not sure why hinge is taking back the meta and dating them again if hinge knows that meta is not up for poly. But that is hinge's choice/problem. Not yours.

If hinge is leaking their stress (from their choice) all over you and this behavior is cranking up your anxiety? That part is your problem. You can ask hinge to talk less to you or not at all -- talk to other people rather than you because you are too close.

If hinge makes it a habit to pick out other partners who are not really up for poly-dating and it's chronic waves of stress for you? You could re-evaluate if you want to keep dating a hinge who is a chronic stress bringer.

A. Is there anything else I can do to try and not put my partner in the middle, while helping her advocate for what she wants with BOTH of us, knowing my meta may not be advanced enough or open enough in poly to be doing the same?
Click to expand...

Just say that. "Hinge, I don't want to put you in the middle. I think on each side of the V you could advocate for your own self and what you want. Speak honeslty and clearly. Be up front.

On my side, I want X. If your wants and mine line up, great. If not, we can try to sort it out. Or if really not compatible, part ways amicably. It doesn't have to be doom."

Then let the chips fall where they may.

Just do YOUR jobs -- not other people jobs. Could focus more on advocating for what YOU need, take care of YOU. Not like in a selfish memememe way. But like in a self-care way. Ask yourself if what you do is taking care of you in a healthy way.

Are you trying to do other people's emotional work for them? How is that taking care of you in a healthy way if you end up all nervy?

You may have to do less and exercise some personal boundaries, advocate for your own self.

B. Any way to calm my nerves? I have never successfully been on the receiving end of a new meta in a close relationship without being replaced/broken up with, except for now, which is somewhat up inthe air. I kind of trust we can work through stuff, and that it will be whether it is good enough with us that determines whether I’m out, eventually, not someone else’s feelings. And also, yikes. This is, simultaneously, scary stuff.
Click to expand...

Believe in that part in bold. That you will either work things out one way or another and that will determine whether or not you want to keep going in this situation. Deciding to part ways due to incompatibility IS one way of working things out. Might not be the fav way, but it does sort things out so the nerves/stress can stop. Believe things can get sorted.

Then identify what behavior is happening that makes you nervy. See if you can reduce some of it on your side of the V. Like... if hinge is oversharing 20 lbs of load and you can only listen to 5 lbs before you get nervous? Tell them to talk to someone else for the other 15 lbs. Just because you are a partner doesn't mean you have to do it ALL.

If you are taking on too much and doing other people's jobs, stop doing them. Trust people can hold up their own ends of the sticks. Everyone carries their own baggage. If people are being fresh and dumping sticks on you, be firm and say "No, thank you. I don't do that" or just drop them on the floor. You do not have to carry everyone else's load.

I think it’s just coincidence that after 4 years and many close partners, the appearance of new partner equals breakup, as that happened for many different reasons, some because I caused polysaturation, some because the relationship was getting complex after adding me with an existing partner’s feelings, and it was easier to go with someone else than work it out. (I don’t like hierarchy)
Click to expand...

While your past relationships help you learn things (ex: you don't like heirarchy) remember that THIS relationship is not those.

Coincidence, but it leaves me without reassuring experiences.
Click to expand...

I would say each relationships helped you learn some things. Nothing wrong with that and learning about yourself and how to handle tough situations could be seen as reassuring. Like you get better at it each time.

C. Thinking ahead, I think some of partners fears about might be jitters about what it would feel like if one of us took another partner. Any way to help partner through this?
Click to expand...

Has partner articualted this? Or are you guessing or trying to mind reader?

Is partner asking you for help with this? Or are you leaping in unasked to assuage your OWN anxiety?

Galagirl
 
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Hi 1234567,

I would suggest you let your partner figure out her own dynamic with your meta; do not try to tell your partner what to do about that. I would ask your partner to not tell you what's going on with your meta. You don't need to know that stuff.

If you want to tell your partner what to do about your meta, suggest that your meta think about whether s/he is okay with a polyamorous setup. If s/he is not okay with a polyamorous setup, then, is your partner okay with a monogamous setup? If your partner is okay with a monogamous setup, then she should be with your meta exclusively, or with you if you also are okay with a monogamous setup.

Either way, you do not want your meta to be the controller over what happens with you in your relationships.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
FWIW, we are now broken up.

The three of us were not compatible in a poly relationship.

They make a good couple (so did we, but me being poly doesn’t leave my ex with the companionship they needed, among other things.)
 
I'm sorry to hear about the break up/incompatibilities.

I hope in time you heal and feel better.

Galagirl
 
Thanks. I guess in retrospect, the fear of my partner feeling she had to choose and that she would not choose me was completely justified, and yeah, the handwriting was on the wall.

Enough so that I knew by 2 this afternoon when she had not texted following a Day and night with meta that we were done.

(At least I got to process it with my other partner, there for the afternoon.)

My ex had told me last week she was crying to a friend about thinking she needed to break up with me, as her other partner was thinking she needed to date elsewhere otherwise. I think it was just a matter of time- none of those feelings were changing, and I knew that

Thank you all for your help managing impending breakup anxiety.
 
Sorry about the breakup, that hurts a lot even if you knew it was coming.
 
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